Some of My Take-aways from the Affirmation Conference

Randall Thacker, John Gustav-Wrathall, Todd Richardson

While attending the Affirmation Conference this past weekend, upon hearing something that was meaningful to me, I would write the thought on my Notepad in my I-Phone.  What I want to do is to share some of those ideas, and riff on them a bit.  This is part of my processing of what was a transformative experience for me.

"Take one day at a time to deal with the ambiguity"

While the LDS LGBT community would ideally like for Church policy to change through modern revelation to general Church leadership, Randall Thacker, current president of Affirmation, warned the Community that they will be greatly disappointed if they expect such a momentous change to occur.  Affirmation is not about lobbying for such a landmark shift; rather, it seeks to facilitate and support the community in their efforts to live and even thrive in the uncertainty.

When speaking to uninformed LDS members about Affirmation, some grasp the ambiguity.  How does someone who has not chosen to have same-gender attraction but has felt it as long as they can remember, reconcile these feelings that can't be prayed, read or fasted away with Church doctrine which seems to speak only to a heterosexual heaven, and whose leadership and members are often unloving and even hostile to them?

Those who attended the conference were challenged to accept the need to tolerate unanswerable questions.

"We don't have revelation as a Church as to what God thinks about His homosexual children"

This is a paraphrase of what someone in Affirmation leadership was told by a General Authority. It is true and it rings true.  If there were such revelation, then it would be preached over the pulpit, included in the General Handbook of Instructions, and stake presidents and bishops would hopefully be more consistent in their treatment of their LGBT members who still want to be connected to the Church.  Presently, lacking specific revelation, local leaders are left to their own opinions and their own biases--how they interpret the revelatory ambiguity.

What the Church does know has been placed by it on their website: mormonsandgays.org.  This is a website that the LGBT community was pleased to see because it gave them hope that their ambiguity was being recognized by general Church leadership, and it gave voice to one of the community's greatest aspirations: that Christians and particularly LDS people should show love to all God's children, as Christ would show it.

"The Kubler-Ross stages of grief can help assist in giving clarity to members of the LDS LGBT community"

I have previously blogged about this helpful teaching and would refer the reader to it for increased insight.  I had not considered its relevance and application to the LDS LGBT community until I attended a discussion group about the Stages of Grief during the Conference.  The stages are:

-- Denial  Most in the Community have wrestled with themselves and with God that they or their loved ones were indeed LGBT.
-- Anger  There is often much anger pointed outward toward family, friends and insensitive Church members.  But often there is also anger pointed inward.  "Why was I born this way?  Why doesn't God take away these feelings?
--  Bargaining  Many LDS LGBT people have tried to make a deal with God.  "If I serve a mission, will you please take away these feelings?"  "If I pray more, read scriptures longer, fast more frequently, attend the temple more regularly, will you then please give me peace of mind?"
--  Depression  Nearly all in this Community have dealt with depression.  It manifests in so many ways.  Much of the depression comes from wrestling with their paradox of wanting to be accepted by God and by His Church, but realizing that their homosexuality or feelings about their gender are undeniable.
--  Acceptance  The path that this Community walks hopefully leads to a peace and self-acceptance of their own or their loved one's homosexuality and their gender.  This path also demands acceptance of the inherent aforementioned ambiguity of their lives. 

"Our challenge is to bring the body and spirit together"

I interpreted this to mean that for the LDS LGBT person, it is necessary to neither ignore their sexuality nor their need for connection with God.  As in the LDS doctrine of resurrection in which the glorified body is brought together with the glorified spirit to form a single unit of great joy and contentment, so should the Community seek to bring their physical natures together with their spiritual natures into one. Neither nature can or should be neglected.  Successfully integrated in mortality, the LDS LGBT person can experience joy and contentment now.

"Labels can be good and bad"

If I think of myself as sensitive and caring, I am labeling myself.  Likely, if I do it consistently, I will come to fulfill that expectation.  In other words, it becomes a self-fulfilling prophesy.  But if I think of myself as a slacker or an addict, I will likely become or continue to be that person.

This experience of labeling happens routinely in our interactions with others, especially those who are seen as different from us.  People label others in a conscious or subconscious attempt to distance themselves so they do not have to interact with them or find out more about them.  And for the non-LGBT member of the Church, it is important that we do not fall into this trap with regard to those among us who are LGBT.  Those who take the time to get to know the LGBT individual and experience, will come away with increased empathy and hopefully will be enlarged in their capacity to love.

Darius Gray, Friday's Exceptional Featured Speaker

"Everyone is: A Child of God, Loved of God, and Part of God's Plan

All LDS members need to embrace this doctrine, for their own self-love and for their interactions with those who are different from them.  While many realize that they are indeed a child of God (what a wonderfully spiritual experience to hear us sing I Am a Child of God as one of our worship songs this past weekend!). I learned again that many in the LDS LGBT community wrestle to really believe that they are loved of God.  Many also wrestle with the concept that their homosexuality and gender are part of God's plan.

I found the words of the 2nd Verse of I Am a Child of God to be particularly poignant as I sang them with my LGBT brothers and sisters:

I am a Child of God, and so my needs are great.  Help me to understand His words before it grows too late.

Another talk dealt with the idea that we are all seeds, that God has planted us, that within a seed is the promise of becoming what eventually the seed will become, but that God is fine with us being a seed.  God lovingly sees the seed as perfect, and that we, as seeds, are perfect at every stage of becoming what we will eventually become in God's garden.  Our grwoth is part of God's Plan.

"Life is to be enjoyed, not just to be endured"

Because of living in the ambiguity, and because living inside and outside of the closet is challenging for the LDS LGBT person, it is a challenge to not simply get through the day or to get through life, but to really find and feel joy.  The last phrase in the scripture found in 2 Nephi 2:25 in The Book of Mormon comes to mind: "...men are that they might have joy."

It takes mindful effort to live life in the moment and to enjoy the journey.  It takes effort to rid ourselves of damaging, illogical thoughts and begin the process of challenging them and replacing them with uplifting, affirming, logical thoughts which can then positively influence our feelings and behaviors.

"It is called the Plan of Salvation, not the Plan of Damnation"

LDS believers embrace what is called the Plan of Salvation.  What sometimes occurs is that they choose to put more emphasis on the Plan part and less on the Salvation part.  Adherents of the LDS faith get caught up in what they see as the beauty and logic of the Plan, but give short shrift to the concept that the Plan is to save all of God's children.  God's work is "to bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of man," and may I say parenthetically, ALL MEN, ALL HUMANITY.

His purpose is not to damn us, or stop our progression, but to faciliate that progression.  His business is not to damn us but to save us.  That should be cause for us who believe to really believe what He has said.  The LDS LGBT Community that surrounded me this past weekend was filled with light and with belief in God's assurances.  They are worthy, as am I, of His saving grace and his unconditional, salvational love.

"Life lessons to be learned are best realized in a marriage setting"

This understanding has changed my mind regarding my view on same-sex marriage.  It has not come easily.  It is a process and it is still evolving.  But I have chosen to embrace it even though my Church, through its backing of Proposition 8 and the continuing rhetoric of some General Authorities, preaches otherwise.  My evolution on this subject has been the source of great consternation and distress to my extended family who have not been shy in voicing their opinions to me.

But if, in fact, life lessons are best realized in a marriage setting, and if life is really to help us to become the best we can be, to learn about ourselves, to learn to love unconditionally, how can that be done by someone who has no option but to remain celibate?  That is not to say the single people cannot learn those important lessons, but an LGBT does not have the choice to be married with the Church's blessing.  And becoming involved in a mixed orientation marriage is not the answer, as it once was preached by the Church.   For the record, I learned that current statistics show that 85% of marriages to someone of the opposite gender of LGBT people who have served LDS missions ends in divorce.  The statistic is 95% if neither has served an mission.

So does God love LGBT individuals less?  Are they supposed to sojourn in life as flawed, damaged individuals?  It is easy for someone who is a privileged heterosexual and has the opportunity for marriage to think that an LGBT just needs to go through life without the profound love found in a marriage covenant.  Isn't it called The Plan of Salvation and not The Plan of Damnation, and doesn't the doctrine apply to everyone?

One person spoke of sacred personal revelation he had received from God regarding his query about persuing a same-gender relationship.  He remarked that God revealed to him "I want you to have happiness in this life and in the next.  (My emphasis)  Isn't that really what God wants for all of us, or is it just hyperbole?

"Stay at the table"

This phrase was uttered a few times in a discussion about LGBT people and their interactions with family and friends who cannot embrace their sexuality.  It is a challenge for an LGBT person to not step away from "the table" in their interactions with loved ones out of frustration that their decisions are not supported by loved ones, out of feeling rejected by them.  It is also a challenge for certain of their loved ones to step away who simply cannot open their hearts and minds to the reality that their son, daughter, father or mother is same-gender attracted and do not give heed to their calls to repentance. 

The LGBT attendees were encouraged during the Conference to stay at "the table", to continue the process of reconciliation, however painful that process is.  Testimony was offered as to the benefits of perservering and loving, especially when it hurts.  They realize that their loved one may never be reconciled to their sexuality, but then it is incumbent upon them to love them as the Savior loved those around him even when they did not agree with him or injured or crucified Him.

"Embracing the 'And'"

Julie de Acevedo spoke and performed on the last day of the Conference.  In her psychotherapy office, she has placed a large representation that shows a large ampersand, an "&."  She put it there to encourage people to think about themselves being more than just one aspect of their lives.  In other words, a person may identify themselves as LGBT, but then, what else are they, or what else can they be?  People are so much more than just one aspect of their lives, and that we need to embrace that truth.  I found the idea incredibly liberating, and I hope that my LGBT brothers and sisters did as well!

"Love unfeigned"

The keynote speaker on the last day of the Conference is a BYU professor in the Department of Microbiology and Molecular Biology and is a former member of a stake presidency and a former mission president.  He delivered a lecture at BYU in 2010 that cause quite a stir there and at Church Headquarters called "The Evidence for a Biological Origin for Homosexuality,"  It likely was that presentation that led to the Church hierarchy to soften its stance on the idea that homosexuality was a choice.  Since then, he has been involved with researchers at Utah State University collecting data on the attitudes of present and former LDS LGBT persons. 

Among many important concepts, he spoke of the idea of "love unfeigned" taken from an LDS scripture.  He talked of the importance of truly loving ourselves and others, a love born of true caring and concern. He spoke of the hypocrisy and falseness of those who say that they "hate the sin but love the sinner," and how such people rarely truly love the sinner as Christ would; that this was "feigned love." 

For me, perhaps the most poignant moment of the entire weekend, and which to me was a powerful example of "love unfeigned," was something I didn't hear, but I observed.  It was at the conclusion of the "testimony" meeting held on Saturday, a meeting in which a few LGBT persons spoke of the ambiguity of their paths but also of their fondest desires to be associated with the Church and of their desire to follow God.  It was during the final congregational song of the meeting, "The Spirit of God Like a Fire Is Burning."

I noticed that a few rows ahead of me, the Senior Vice President of Affirmation, John Gustav-Wrathall, had both arms encircling the shoulders of the men on either side of him (one being the head of Affirmation from Mexico), and he was enthusiastically singing the song that has special meaning for members of the Church. That in and of itself was not so exceptional, but what was is the fact of his spirited singing of the special song of the Church that had excommunicated him, that had abandoned him, that had dismissed him, but to which he desperately longs to stay attached.  It is the Church he loves and which is part of who he is as a son of God. He has love unfeigned for the Church, for those around him, and for himself, embracing his LGBT life and experiencing love as an LGBT son of God.

Listening at a Different Conference

I'm sitting at a computer at a motel in Salt Lake City processing what I have just experienced the past 48 hours through attending the Affirmation Conference.  I will admit to feeling quite overwhelmed by my exposure to so many loving people, and by my exposure to a lifestyle that I know so little about.

In my desire to understand the LDS LGBT (lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender) population. and out of desire to learn more about these people so that I might be able to render much needed and almost unavailable psychotherapeutic help, I decided to attend the Conference. I came not knowing a soul (at least I didn't think I did until I met one mother of a gay in my Stake), but left having made some new acquaintances and friends.  I better understand the challenges that this troubled population faces.  I think I know a little better how to help. Perhaps most importantly, I have greater empathy for these wonderfully loving people.

The purpose of the Conference has been for 20+ years to affirm the faith of the LDS LGBT community in the Church whose members have largely been critical of them.  I learned that Affirmation is a international group offering emotional support to this community regardless of whether they still attend services, have felt unsafe to attend and have stopped attending, or are wondering what course to take.  I learned that many of those that attend have deep emotional attachments to the Church, but more importantly, deep emotional attachments to God.  And although no two paths are the same, many feel peace with who they are and the path on which they find themselves.

I listened intently as different people related their difficult stories.  I listened to a man married for over 20 years with children who divorced, and then came out as gay, and has been out for seven challenging years.  I listened to a Latino young man who felt the need to move from Salt Lake City to a more gay-friendly area (Seattle, Washington).  I listened to a man who marched in the SLC Gay Pride Parade and felt it was one of the most wonderful experiences of his life, especially as he heard the crowd roar and cheer all along the route. I listened to a woman who does not feel safe coming completely out of the closet for the fear of the response from her very active LDS family.

I listened to a man who was kicked out of his home when he came out as gay.  I listened to the love that another man feels for his partner.  I listened to the depressed words of an older man who has been overwhelmed by the rejection of members of his local congregation and some Church leadership.  I listened to a woman who has been blessed with an understanding bishop and stake president and who has been given a calling even though they know of her status.  I listened to a young man from Mexico who has sought to understand scripture in an effort to appreciate more fully God's love for him.  I listened to a person who is transgendered and is trying to find her way away from her male past.

I listened to a woman who tried to fall in love with a man but ultimately couldn't.  I listened to an articulate man who bore strong testimony of the Church that he feels unsafe to attend.  I listened to a transgender person speak about her work at a non-profit civil rights group and who would like to start her own non-profit to help those who follow her incredibly challenging transition from married father to woman.  I listened to a older man that came out a few years ago and who recently lost his job and is striving to maintain a relationship with his boy on a mission but whose daughters have rejected him.

These are just some of the stories that I listened to.  I could go on for much longer.  These people freely shared with non-LGBT people like me because they knew that I would not judge them, that I was safe, that I would be open and accepting of who they are.  I found them to be very appreciative of my safe status as an LGBT Ally.  I am grateful for what I have learned, but more importantly, for what I have felt.  This was an experience never to be forgotten.

Zip-a-Dee-Do-Dah!

            For most of my 60 years, I have tried to be in control of my physical environment.  I am definitely not an adreneline junkie--I am the very opposite of it!  Occasionally, however, I will do something not because I want to, but rather, because I feel it is good for me to put myself either completely out of control, or somewhat out of control.  I sometimes feel the need to really challenge myself, and to my perception, put myself at risk.

This past Labor Day weekend, I decided to do one of these very difficult, nervewracking, uncomfortable activities.  In the past, while on holiday, I have both water and snow skied, been pulled on an inner tube behind a speeding boat, and hiked along some dangerous, steep terrain--all big deals for me.  But what my wife and I did two days ago really challenged me. 

I wanted us to rent a cabin up in the pines this weekend before my wife started teaching at PCC in earnest.  I didn’t want to travel too far, so that eliminated Big Bear Lake and Idyllwild, and there weren’t any cabins at Pine Mountain Club available when I finally decided to rent.  I decided to try Wrightwood, near Mountain High Ski Resort, some 11/2 hours away.  I was able to find a nice cabin there, but then, other than hiking, which we both like to do, what do you do there in the summertime?

You go on multiple zip lines rides, often hundreds of feet from the forest floor from one platform to another at speeds of up to 55 miles an hour!! You cross flimsy rope bridges, also many feet above the trees!!  And you rappel twice down from those lofty zip platforms to another platform or to the ground!!

The zip line after the speed zip!  Still nervewracking, still difficult, still fast!

I felt very anxious as I was strapped onto those cables the very first time.  Even though it was only about 50 feet from start to finish, and not incredibly high from the ground, I felt so nervous.  I didn’t look down; I only looked straight ahead and tried to brake my inertia as I had been instructed.  And I survived!  And after three “training” runs, it was time to graduate to the real zip lines.  The first one was the fastest zip line!  It wasn’t the longest, but the fastest.  I was in line to be first, so I sat down and zipped.  I figured I was flying about 35-40 miles per hour! I couldn't bring myself to look down or around; my eyes were firmly fixed on the platform and eventually the instructor, when he came into view!  I zipped until some 50 feet from the end, as I was supposed to do, when the instructor motioned to me to use one of my gloved hands to begin to brake.  What a rush to fly!

The first rope bridge--I smiled because I lived to make it to the other side!

Walking along the rope bridges also made me feel very uncomfortable.  Again, I did not look down but just looked ahead.  The last rope bridge (I believe there were 5) was the most emotionally difficult for me.  The wood slat/board we walked on was only about 10 inches wide, and while we’re able to hold onto the ropes as we inch our way across, I really felt nervous and out of control.  There was never any possibility of crashing down to the earth (I was told!); you’re connected, but that was of no comfort to me.  I was so glad when I reached the other side!

The grin hides the terror!

Many people have rappelled and it’s probably no big deal for those people.  But it was a big deal for me.  Of course, you control how quickly you descend, but again, I didn’t really feel in control.  I never did look down, just straight ahead, or at the rope that I was holding on to.  I felt a sense of accomplishment when I finally touched the ground or a platform.  

In fact, I felt quite a sense of thrilling accomplishment each time I faced my fear and did a hard activity.

The last thing on the course was the longest zip.  The wind was starting to blow and the zip line went on for about 1500 feet or so.  It was called the DRZ, the Dual Racing Zip, and my wife and I launched at the same time in a race to the end of the line that you couldn't even see from the start platform!  I immediately felt the wind in my face and saw that Ann got a better start and for about ½ of the line, I saw she was ahead of me.  Even though the wind was blowing fairly strongly in my face, my competitiveness got the best of me.  I tucked into what the instructors called the Cannonball position, which I believe cuts down wind resistance and makes you go faster.  About ¾ of the way, I pulled even with her, and then flew (literally) past her and won the race! Interestingly, by now I was able to think about winning the race and not about surviving!  

THE WINNAH!!!

I am proud of myself for accomplishing this difficult thing.  I faced my fears, was briefly out of control (at least in my head), and came off the conqueror.  Woohoo! Yay me!  

Believing in the Process

               

                It has been my experience that change is usually not a one-time event.  Whether it is international, national, organizational, familial or personal, change inevitably occurs over time.  It must be so because one-time events rarely have the powerful effect necessary to produce a course change.

                There are exceptions to my postulate.  When the Japanese bombed Pearl Harbor, the US changed its behavior immediately and declared war because the politicians realized that action needed to be taken quickly.  In the Bible, Paul was visited on the road to Damascus, and that heavenly apparition changed the course of his life from that moment on.  But frankly, such incidents are few and far between.  History is replete with examples of change that occurred over time—sometimes long periods of time.

                Leaving the subject of changes on a macro scale to others with more time and knowledge, I am focusing my thoughts on a micro scale, on changes that occur within individuals, or small groups of individuals, like partners/spouses or families.

                Many persons are content with their lives.  They like where they are physically, emotionally, spiritually, socially, educationally, religiously.  And even though there may be aspects of their lives they wish would change, those desires are really just that--wishes, and not really a deep internal need or feeling to change themselves or their environment.  Change can be challenging, it can be scary, it can be difficult, if for no other reason than that change requires time.  For wishful thinkers, that is too much of a personal investment.

                 Most of the time, people who come to me for psychotherapy are not satisfied with their current situation(s) and, ostensibly, want to change.  Some of the people like me that attend Sunday worship services or recovery meetings are looking to change who they are, although attending such meetings does not mean that someone is honestly looking to effect a change in their lives.  On a personal level, some of my family and friends and I are undertaking the process of attempting to change ourselves, in profound ways.  Thus, much in my life is involved in this process of changing, and so I give it significant thought.

                I have learned that in order for I or someone else to engage in the change process, we have to feel genuine discontentment in what we are, have or do, that whatever challenges that lie ahead are worth the discomfort.  To this end, with certain clients I will occasionally use a couplet I once heard regarding breaking free from addiction.  The couplet reads:

"When the pain of addiction is greater than the pain of recovery, a person will seek for and work on recovery.  But if the pain of recovery is greater than the pain of addiction, a person will stay in their addiction.”

In other words, I have to really dislike who or where I am currently to put myself through the difficult and usually protracted process of change.  And if that change is too daunting, I will continue to live with my current problem(s).  Obviously, this truth pertains to more than just moving past an addiction.

                Also, in order to continue in the process of change, a person needs to believe in the rightness of the journey they are on.  And if that involves a person or persons that are sharing or mentoring that process, they have to believe in them.  This is no easy thing to do for many people, because they may not be sure of the helpful person or their motives, or they have made themselves vulnerable in the past and have been hurt by that person or other persons.  In spiritual matters, a person needs to ultimately believe that God is willing and able to help them in the difficult change process and will not leave them alone.

                The process of change involves being open to people, to possibilities, to direction, to direction changes.  It usually involves reminding ourselves on a regular basis why we are putting ourselves through this.  It usually involves receiving positive feedback from people whom we have allowed to be acquainted with our journey, and to dig deep and give ourselves positive feedback. It involves keeping the goal in mind with our eyes single-mindedly focused on the prize.   It involves humbly admitting when we lose sight of the prize and lose our way, reviewing what happened, learning from it, and then commencing the journey again with new vigor and hope.  (Admittedly, the latter is particularly hard to do alone!)

                It involves being real with ourselves and not allowing ourselves to be caught in the trap articulated in the recent Lego Movie that “everything is awesome!”  It involves realizing the challenging nature of our journey but not being too harsh on ourselves. It involves recognizing and accepting the weariness that we sometimes might feel in our difficult process, and taking care of ourselves by being good to ourselves along the way.  It involves attempting to keep a sense of scope and a sense of humor for our journey.  If we are spiritually minded, it involves “letting go and letting God.”

                I know of what I speak, both clinically and first hand.  I personally am in transition, and it has not been easy.  Currently, I am embarking on preparing to take the test to finally become licensed as a Marriage and Family Therapist, and the thought is indeed daunting for me.  I must continue to do what I tell others they should do. 

As I implement these strategies, I have experienced significant contentment and fulfillment.  I have felt satisfaction and increased faith in myself and my ability to meet and work through difficult challenges.  I have acquired greater understanding and new truths about myself and those around me.  I have developed greater empathy and compassion for my fellow travelers along the way.   I have learned to believe in the process!

Loving Detachment

It may be due to how I perceive what happens around me, but it sure seems like events occur in my life that are meant to teach me some important lesson or truth.  Something will happen, or someone from my past or present will say or do something, or I will receive some inspiration or understanding.  These occurrences will cause me to ask myself, "is there purpose in what I am experiencing?"  "What am I supposed to be learning?"  Sometimes it is a truth that I have already understood, but for some reason it is important to ask myself again in order to internalize once more.

My life seems quite full of those moments.  Perhaps it is because of being an introspective person.  Perhaps it is because of the psychotherapy work that I do each week, particularly with couples or partners in a couple/dyadic relationship, and what I experience in that setting.  Whatever their cause, I routinely have these inner dialogues about meanings.

What was very important for me to understand and internalize a few years ago was the concept of being codependent.  A codependent person has been defined as:  "a person who has let another person's behavior affect him or her, and who is obsessed with controlling that person's behavior."  It is as important to me today as it was when I first understood it, and I understand it better now because I continually scrutinize my life, and because I see codependency everywhere I look!

I learned that codependency is what I call "the mother of all addictions" because 1) it is a behavior present in nearly every addiction, and 2) it is the most wide spread addictive behavior of them all.  And while many people would say they have no addictions or addictive behaviors, given some time to review their behaviors with those around them especially with their children, I can usually spot codependent behavior.  Codependence is really an addiction, and most people are blissfully ignorant of it.

The truth of codependency was given to me through examining my life, observing what was happening around me, and seeing my own codependence, particularly with my wife, children and extended family.  I realized that I allowed myself to be negatively impacted by a loved one, who for whatever reason did not do or be what I asked them to do or be, or who for whatever reason did not return the love I had offered them in my words or deeds.  I wanted them to follow my path or to think well of me, and that they didn't do it was unbearable.

As a result of my research, my experience in the psychological health care field, and my own life experience, when I have codependent expectations (and I sometimes still do), they are almost always about me and not about the loved one.  In other words, if my teen aged child decided not to follow my path, including my morals and values, and I attempted to control their behavior, that is really about my anxiety, and not necessarily about my love for them.  If I allow their contrary behavior to affect me negatively, that is my issue, not theirs.

For example, if my wife does something that I wish she didn't do, or think she should do something differently, a better way (my way), a way that to my belief wouldn't cause so many problems, I am attaching to her in a codependent way.  If I am trying to live her life for and through her, I have made her life about me, not about her.  It is easier for me to stay unhealthily attached to her.  At least I can live in the illusion that I'm trying to help her.

To the degree that I worry, stew, react, or try to control her, I am being codependent.  I have made her behavior about me.  But in doing so, I am disrespecting both her and me.  Never mind that what I am doing keeps my emotions churning because of what she did or didn't say or do, or will do next.  Never mind that what I am doing isn't really helping her or me.  

If I am so enmeshed and attached to her, and don't realize what I am doing, I will keep on doing it because it's my default setting, and it's easy.   Self-realization is challenging and frought with fear, and usually requires change.  Ouch!

I am experienceing a better way.  It is called "loving detachment."  It is not a cold, hostile withdrawal, a resignation, a despairing acceptance or what life has dealt me.  It is not ignorant bliss or being unaffected by people and problems.  It is not cutting off relationships or a removal of love or concern.

It is lovingly, not angrily, disengaging mentally, emotionally, and sometimes even physically from unhealthy entanglements that belong to another person's life.  It is calmly detaching from their responsibilities, from problems we cannot solve.  In her landmark book titled Codependent No More, which I esteem nearly as important as religious scripture, Meloldy Beattie writes the following:

Detachment is based on the premise that each person is responsible for himself, that we can't solve problems that aren't ours to solve, and that worrying doesn't help.  We adopt a policy of keeping our hands off other people's responsibilities and tend to our own instead.  If people have created disasters for themselves, we allow them to face their own proverbial music. [Yes, parents, that means us!]  We allow people to be who they are.  We give them the freedom to be responsible and to grow.  And we give ourselves that same freedom.  We live our own lives to the best of our ability.  We strive to ascertain what it is we can change and what we cannot change.  Then we stop trying to change things we can't.

She further writes incitefully about having faith in ourselves, our Higher Power (if we have one), and other people: 

We believe in the rightness and appropriateness of each moment.  We release our burdens and cares, and give ourselves the freedom to enjoy life in spite of our unsolved problems.  We trust that all is well in spite of our conflicts.  We trust that Somebody greater than ourselves knows, has ordained, and cares about what is happening.  We understand that this Someone can do much more to solve the problem than we can.  So we try to stay out of His way and let Him do it.  (And I would say that from my personal experience, He is much better at solving problems than I am--because that is His responsibility and He does it perfectly!)

I have felt a great increase in my personal peace, my personal serenity.   I have felt more energized about my life and my ability to find real solutions to problems.  I have felt much less guilt about my life and responsibility for the lives of others.  And in some cases when I have lovingly detached, it has motivated and freed people around me to begin to solve their own problems.  I have stopped worrying about them and they have picked up the slack and have finally started taking responsibility for themselves.   I am minding my own business.

An acknowledgement as I conclude this blog posting.  Sometimes detaching lovingly is impossible, but often that has to do with our loved one.  We shouldn't think that it is impossible as we begin the process of detaching lovingly, but sometimes it is in our best mental and emotional health to just detach--and maybe it won't be pretty.   Detaching is ultimately about taking care of one's self.  And if you find you can't detach, try to relax, chill out, sit back, and take a deep breath.  Just try to make their lives about them and not about you!



  

Twelve Relationship Myths

        1.      If we loved each other, we wouldn’t have any problems.  Relationships require self-knowledge, listening skills, problem solving skills, hard work, and the ability to relax and have fun.  With these resources, you will find your relationship much more likely to thrive.  Love alone is not enough.

     2.     If my partner really loved me, he/she would know what I want.  The more your partner gets to know you, the easier it will be to know many of your wishes.  However, sometimes we year to slip back to a very young phase of life when mother knew what our crying meant and would change our diaper, hold and cuddle us, or recognize you needed to get to bed soon.  Or we might have had an overly involved mother during our childhood and teenage years.  Since your partner has not been with you all of your life, he/she will probably need you to define the subtle nuances of the things you want.  Of course, even then you may find your partner not picking up on your expressed wish.  This can be quite disappointing and deserves to be explored in a time and space when both of you are in a relatively non-defensive place.

      3.     I have to say what I feel/You should say what you feel.  Saying much of what you feel helps partners to relate and make your relationship work.  However, sharing a negative feeling at the wrong time and/or in the wrong way may produce a very unhappy outcome.  One does not have to reveal feelings in any given moment.  Given in the wrong way can produce a lot of reactive defensiveness on your partner’s part.  In fact, such a bombshell may lead to a very unhappy, unproductive situation.  You can make a decision to hold onto the feelings until a good time for sharing, and you should make every effort to tell your partner when that will be.  Holding onto feelings until the right time can save a marriage/partnership.  However, repressing your feelings without ever exploring their negative impact on you can lead to anger and to distancing from your partner.

      4.     Getting out all of your feelings will strengthen your partnership.  Feelings need to be responded to with empathy and care.  Creative solutions need to be discovered.  Exploring all of your feelings in one sitting can be a script for disaster.  The middle of the night when you both are tired and exhausted is not the best time for creative barnstorming.  Often, problems will become less so as time goes by.  Talking about your feelings over a period of time will allow you both to recover and will allow what may be less important to fade.

             5.  If my partner would just change, our relationship would be great.  Most relationship counselors find both partners feel this way when therapy begins.  As you grow, you will learn that you can only change yourself.  You cannot change your partner’s behavior; only he/she can—if they want to.  Waiting until your partner changes simply is folly and not an effective way to improve your relationship.  Serenity comes from accepting that you cannot change your partner and exercising courage to change yourself and it is a process to know how to do that.  Looking for ways to develop your own self-understanding and your social skills can dramatically strengthen your partnership.

            6.  Unless my partner talks about his/her feelings, I will always feel like I do not know him/her.   Often, feeling-driven partners have a desperate need to hear about their partner’s feelings, and they spend wasted energy confronting the partner about how they “never share feelings.”  Many individuals—especially women—turn outward to express and to process their feelings.  Others—often men—turn inward to explore their own inner yearnings.  Some research even indicates that men are “hard wired” to be less in touch with their feelings.  Repeated confrontation around this subject leads to even more defensiveness and subsequent withdrawal.  Finding times to relax and share common visions and dreams leads to a more free-flowing exchange of thoughts and feelings. 

     7.   If she would just be more logical/rational, then at least we might get somewhere in this conversation.   Individuals are different.  You may have fallen in love with a partner who more easily accesses the part that you find most difficult.  So some men seem to “allow the spouse to do the feeling for them.”  Thinkers need to remember that to their opposites, feelings are facts and facts need to be gathered as a part of any decision making process.  Learning to listen all the way through what is being stated through active or reflective listening will provide a much more acceptable environment for your partner to the clarity of your logic.

     8.   The perfect partner could make my life complete.  The reality is that only you can make your life complete.  We may marry someone who does bring a new dimension to our lives and then believe that by “osmosis” we will absorb the trait of our partner.  But the hard work of sorting what you need in your life, identifying a way to get there, and setting things in motion remains entirely up to you.  You will make more progress by attempting to live your life to the fullest and inviting your partner to share and enjoy your life with you.

     9.    If he were just honest, I could deal with anything my partner did.  If one has been raised in a family where there was punishment for dishonesty, that person will probably wince or become angry at any discovery that their partner has been hiding something.  That person may even become an expert at pointing out ways that their partner may be in denial about their denial.  Other persons are raised in families where what mom and dad did not know kept them from being punished.  Withholding certain things in that context seemed like the smartest thing to do.  Once again the focus on “just being honest” can be a way of retreating into mutual defensiveness rather than looking at the roots of the deception and making it safe to be honest.

           10.     If we just had more sex, everything would be great.  Most couples experience a difference in sexual appetite.  For men, sometimes the demand to have sex becomes a way of resolving everything rather than looking at the deeper issues that need to be explored.  The man’s yearning to be more physical at times often misses the disconnection that the spouse may be feeling that keeps her from feeling emotionally close enough to enjoy having sex with him.  Truthfully, women crave emotional connection with their spouse and without it, she may feel pressured and feel anger if compelled or manipulated into having sex.  Sex is a delicate dance that requires great sensitivity on the part of both partners.

            11.    Never go to bed angry.  The middle of the night tends to be a poor time to be creative in problem solving or discerning the nuances of your partner’s feelings.  Some well-meaning authority figures in our lives sometimes share this admonition prior to marriage and couples feel the burden to stay up all night to work through an issue.  Either partner would do well to recognize the degree to which clarity does not seems to be emerging in a conversation.  Continuing to talk in this situation will likely lead to things being said that neither will want to remember the next day.  Couples should find relief in agreeing to a “ceasefire.”  If a partner tends to feel abandoned in such a circumstance, he/she will likely respond to setting a clear time and date for renewing the attempt to problem solve when both partners can think clearly.  This concept works during the day as well.  Giving a spouse hope for resolution of a problem through offering to revisit it at a specified time works wonders, but it is important that the appointment be kept when meaningful “win-win” solutions can be negotiated.

            12.     My partner had a physical or emotional affair because he/she is selfish and doesn’t love me anymore.  This is a very natural response to the discovery of an affair.  However, affairs happen for many reasons and mean very different things to different individuals. These differences can lie in cultural expectations, what one’s parent(s) did, or from a deep sense of loneliness.  It usually is a selfish act, but it is often a complicated act.

Often when one emerges out of the shell of an old sense of purpose, one often feels empty and does know what will make life seem exciting again.  Like a teenager, a partner does not know what might work but cannot imagine that a parent—or in this case a partner—will understand.  Again the pursuit of an affair can be a way to try to understand what one is searching for.

The reasons above do not excuse a partner from having had an affair because affairs have a devastating impact on most relationships, yet assuming that your partner no longer loves you may prove to be an erroneous perception.  There needs to be an exploration of what the partner who had the affair actually feels about the spouse, often best accommodated with the help of a therapist or clergy.  The betrayed spouse needs to observe if the partner acknowledges the tremendous breach of trust, wants to understand the pain, and is committed to sincerely rebuilding the relationship.  If such “turnabout” is sincere through actions, the relationship may well be salvageable and worth the effort it will take to rebuild it.  


Based upon a paper written by L. David Willoughby, MFT, RN, and edited by Robert Davis, MA, MFTI

Musical Tastes

Devo

Anyone who has followed this blog for more than a few months, or who knows me at all, knows that music is an important part of my life. It has been so my entire life and I don't see that changing any time soon.  If you'd care to catch up on previous postings related to music, please find below a listing of them and the date I posted them.

• My Non-Choral Classical Top 40 Songs - - September 18, 2011
• Roll Down the Windows (Heavy Metal Top 40) -- October 10, 2011
• Singing Praises -- February 12, 2013
• Only the Black Notes (Amazing Grace) -- April 2, 2013
• I Know My Father Lives -- November 5, 2013
• Beatles Top 40 -- January 13, 2014
• Where Were You? (Top 10 Beatle Covers) -- February 6, 2014

Since music is such an important part of me, and since part of the reason why I blog is so that there is some record of my feelings and thoughts for my posterity, I thought it would be worthwhile to list some of the artists and/or the genre of music that I listen to.  The list that follows is not an exhaustive list of all of the music recordings that I own, but it covers most of my collection.  Some recordings are compilations of various artists of a parrticular genre, and that will be noted.  The classical list will consist of composers and performers.

I've decided to list them in rough categorical genres.  It might be interesting for my readers to see how many you recognize.  Based upon those tastes, if any reader has suggestions as to possible artists that I might enjoy, don't be bashful to let me know!  I'm always open to new artists, groups, or composers.

POP, ROCK, FUNK
Beatles, Beach Boys, Jon Bon Jovi, Blood, Sweat & Tears, Crosby, Stills & Nash, Bread, Chicago, Devo, Earth, Wind & Fire, Elton John, Gary Numan, Edgar Winter Group, George Thorogood & the Destroyers, INXS, Luscious Jackson, The Moody Blues, The Police, Presidents of the United States of America, Queen, Robert Palmer, Paul Simon, Simon & Garfunkel, Soundgarden, Stevie Ray Vaughan, Sting, Stevie Wonder, U2, The Who, Neil Young, ZZ Top

Duke Ellington

JAZZ
Chuck Mangione, Duke Ellington, Diana Krall, Isaac Hayes, Ella FItzgerald & Louis Armstrong, The Ink Spots, The Mills Brothers, Antonio Carlos Jobim, Playboy After Dark Compilation (excellent!)

HEAVY METAL
Rush, Van Halen, Billy Squier, Metallica, Nirvana, Queens of the Stone Age, Stone Temple Pilots, Ozzy Osbourne, Led Zeppelin

Van Halen

NEW AGE
The New Romantics Compilation, David Lanz, Mannheim Steamroller, Kitaro

PATRIOTIC
Various Compliations

Linda Ronstadt

LATINO/SALSA
Linda Ronstadt, Susie Hansen

OPERA
Greatest Hits of Opera

FOLK, EASY LISTENING
James Taylor, Gordon Lightfoot, Judy Collins

James Taylor

SOUNDTRACKS
The Straight Story, Bossa Nova, A Clockwork Orange

CLASSICAL-Composers
Bach, Beethoven, Chopin, Copland, Debussy, Dvorak, Durufle, Faure, Gershwin, Holst, Lauridsen, Mozart, Part, Puccini, Ravel, Rimsky-Korsakov, Rachmaninov, Rossini, Saint-Seans, Tchaikovsky, Verdi

Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart

CLASSICAL-Performers
Atlanta Symphony Orchestra, Estonian Philharmonic, LA Master Chorale, London Classical Players, New York Philharmonic, Cleveland Orchestra, Stuttgart Chamber Orchestra, BYU Choruses & Philharmonic Orchestra, Luciano Pavarotti, King's Singers (not just classical), Robert Shaw Chorale, Thijs Van Leer, Vienna Philharmonic, Mormon Tabernacle Choir, Chant

GENRE CROSSERS & MISCELLANEOUS
Nat King Cole - Jazz, Pop, Leo Kottke - Guitar, Barbershop Quartet Compilation, John Jarvis - Piano, Willie Nelson - American Songbook

Willie Nelson

Misconceptions about Pornography Addiction

• Pornography is not addictive.  Current medical studies on the brain document the chemicals that are produced in the brain when viewing pornography greatly impact it and can create addiction to the chemicals, and subsequently to pornography.  One study equates the effect pornography has on the brain with the use of cocaine.  Not everyone that looks at pornography is an addict, but it is risky behavior that can lead to terrible consequences.
• If you regularly look at pornography, you must be a sex addict.  Most of the people that use the term "addict" don't really understand addiction, and use it to describe someone who really likes doing some behavior or using some chemical.  If you regularly look at pornography. and cannot stop after repeatedly attempting not to, and do so at the peril of important relationships in your life, then you may be a sex addict.  But many people who look at pornography do not reach that level.  Understanding why one can't stop looking at pornography and masturbating is more productive than putting a label on one's self or another as being a sex addict.
• Pornography is merely about sex.  When a someone looks at pornography, they will almost always masturbate, but their behaviors are not really about sex.  They are about what they are feeling, or trying not to feel, as they use pornography and masturbate to self-soothe or to cope with stressors in their lives. Studies show that many if not most people who have chemical addictions such as with alcohol or drugs also have sexual addictive behaviors--because they use all of their addictions to deal with the challenges of their lives.
• Pornography helps the addict to deal with less sexual activity with their partner.  This behavior comes at a great cost.  Pornography dulls the ability to connect with a partner emotionally, and usually involves isolating. The more one engages in this behavior , the easier it is to disconnect. Partners can sense when they are being objectified and will eventually rebel. All porn addicts lie to cover up their dual lives, thus destroying the trust that their partners have in them. Pornography addiction is often referred to as an attachment disorder.
• Children can’t get addicted.  Not many people have this belief these days. The average age for first exposure to pornography used to be age 11, just ten years ago.  That age is now younger, meaning there are 7 or 8 year olds that are becoming addicted.  Children can become addicted to the "chemical banquet" that occurs in their brains and bodies, just like people who are older. Nearly all people currently wrestling with problems of sexual acting out started doing so when they were in their early teens, if not earlier.
• If a filter is placed on computers or phones, there will not be any exposure to pornography. Many people, including youth, who are computer saavy at all can often get past a filter.  Some filters are harder to figure out than others.  Some programs have accountability partners while others try to control internet searches.  But online pornography is only one of many sources of pornography.
• If someone is addicted to pornography, they will probably be a child molester.  Although there is ample child pornography on the Internet, most men do not access these sites.  And even if they go to these sites, there is no certainty that they will become child molesters.  Many child molesters were molested themselves as children.  
• Being abstinent is the same as recovery.  When someone is in their addiction, the focus of their life (and if they have a family, their family members' lives also) is on the addiction.  Recovery cannot take place while acting out.  Thus, abstinence is an absolute requirement for recovery, but it is not recovery.  Abstinence hopefully takes the focus off of the addiction, and onto the "whys" of the addiction.  When one is able to focus on these reason(s), recovery can begin.  Otherwise, it is often only a matter of time before the addict acts out; when "white knuckleing" or will power fails them.  
• If the addict keeps slipping up, they will never be able to stop their behaviors.  Most addicts will slip up, especially if they are using sheer will power.  Slips are a part of the process of becoming abstinent and being in recovery.  The truth is that for most addicts, they stop themselves from their addictive behaviors more often than they give into them. Most addicts have great will power. They lack needful support from a group of their fellow addicts who can hold them accountable. They lack a sponsor or a person who has been through the process as an addict and can be there for them in the wobbly times. They lack understanding why they engage in their addictive behaviors.  Even then, they may not be perfect.
• If a partner is addicted to pornography and masturbation, it is the other partner’s fault.  This is a manipulation the addict puts on their loved one so as to not confront the real reason(s) why they act out.  Addicted partners often use this manipulation when they perceive that they are not engaging in sexual activity as often as they need to, or when their sex life for them has become stale and unexciting.  But as previously explained, sexual addiction is not really about sex; it's about how they use sex to self-soothe.  It is their own issue.
• Shaming or embarrassing those with addictive tendencies will motivate them to stop.  Quite the opposite is true.  Shame, embarrassment and condemnation tend to cause those with such tendencies to hide them and be more secretive about them in order to avoid exposure.  People who attend relgious services can be shamed by doctrine and by eccleciastical leaders, who may ignorantly tell them to prayer more diligently or read scripture a little longer. What they need is an atmosphere of love, hope, and support, with appropriate boundaries thoughtfully and lovingly placed.
• Pornography will help a couple enhance their relationship.  This is another manipulation by the addicted partner who wrongfully believes that new, more exciting sex will make their relationship better.  Pornography is degrading to the participants, and if one of the partners is already routinely looking at pornography, chances are they will think about the person's body in the media rather than their partner when engages in sex with them.  
• If a partner has a sexual addiction, the other partner should leave (or divorce) because they will never change.  Never is a long time. People can change if they are inwardly motivated to do so. Often being discovered by their partner serves as a genuine wake up call, but an addicted partner needs to want to stop the behavior for themselves and not just to please their partner or to meet their partner's ultimatum.  Divorce is a "nuclear option" and should be used with the greatest of care, especially when children are involved.  Boundaries need to be put in place with consequences.  
• If single, getting married will solve the problem.   If one has been abstinent, being able to engage in sexual activity does not make the desire go away to look at pornography and masturbate.  There is an underlying reason for the behaviors and until they are addressed in a therapeutic setting (or if one does a genuine Fourth Step of the SA Twelve Steps), the newly married person will continue their behaviors.
• If I am active in a church congregation, God will protect me from addiction.  This is self-deceit. In most church congregations, there will be a number of people who struggle with pornography and masturbation.  They are filled with shame and often lead an exhausting double life.  Praying, studying scripture, and attending services will not automatically take away the desire to indulge in these behaviors.  
• If a partner confesses to an ecclesiastical leader, the addiction will go away.   Such thinking would be similar to going to the family doctor to talk about one's diabetes and then believing it will go away.  Besides, most ecclesiatical authorities to not understand addiction. The addiction won't go away until the addict confesses to themselves that they are powerless over their addiction and that their lives have become unmanageable. 

If you or a loved one has challenges with a possible addiction to pornography and masturbation and would like some help, please contact me personally at my email:  robertedavismft@gmail.com.