Misconceptions about Pornography Addiction

• Pornography is not addictive.  Current medical studies on the brain document the chemicals that are produced in the brain when viewing pornography greatly impact it and can create addiction to the chemicals, and subsequently to pornography.  One study equates the effect pornography has on the brain with the use of cocaine.  Not everyone that looks at pornography is an addict, but it is risky behavior that can lead to terrible consequences.
• If you regularly look at pornography, you must be a sex addict.  Most of the people that use the term "addict" don't really understand addiction, and use it to describe someone who really likes doing some behavior or using some chemical.  If you regularly look at pornography. and cannot stop after repeatedly attempting not to, and do so at the peril of important relationships in your life, then you may be a sex addict.  But many people who look at pornography do not reach that level.  Understanding why one can't stop looking at pornography and masturbating is more productive than putting a label on one's self or another as being a sex addict.
• Pornography is merely about sex.  When a someone looks at pornography, they will almost always masturbate, but their behaviors are not really about sex.  They are about what they are feeling, or trying not to feel, as they use pornography and masturbate to self-soothe or to cope with stressors in their lives. Studies show that many if not most people who have chemical addictions such as with alcohol or drugs also have sexual addictive behaviors--because they use all of their addictions to deal with the challenges of their lives.
• Pornography helps the addict to deal with less sexual activity with their partner.  This behavior comes at a great cost.  Pornography dulls the ability to connect with a partner emotionally, and usually involves isolating. The more one engages in this behavior , the easier it is to disconnect. Partners can sense when they are being objectified and will eventually rebel. All porn addicts lie to cover up their dual lives, thus destroying the trust that their partners have in them. Pornography addiction is often referred to as an attachment disorder.
• Children can’t get addicted.  Not many people have this belief these days. The average age for first exposure to pornography used to be age 11, just ten years ago.  That age is now younger, meaning there are 7 or 8 year olds that are becoming addicted.  Children can become addicted to the "chemical banquet" that occurs in their brains and bodies, just like people who are older. Nearly all people currently wrestling with problems of sexual acting out started doing so when they were in their early teens, if not earlier.
• If a filter is placed on computers or phones, there will not be any exposure to pornography. Many people, including youth, who are computer saavy at all can often get past a filter.  Some filters are harder to figure out than others.  Some programs have accountability partners while others try to control internet searches.  But online pornography is only one of many sources of pornography.
• If someone is addicted to pornography, they will probably be a child molester.  Although there is ample child pornography on the Internet, most men do not access these sites.  And even if they go to these sites, there is no certainty that they will become child molesters.  Many child molesters were molested themselves as children.  
• Being abstinent is the same as recovery.  When someone is in their addiction, the focus of their life (and if they have a family, their family members' lives also) is on the addiction.  Recovery cannot take place while acting out.  Thus, abstinence is an absolute requirement for recovery, but it is not recovery.  Abstinence hopefully takes the focus off of the addiction, and onto the "whys" of the addiction.  When one is able to focus on these reason(s), recovery can begin.  Otherwise, it is often only a matter of time before the addict acts out; when "white knuckleing" or will power fails them.  
• If the addict keeps slipping up, they will never be able to stop their behaviors.  Most addicts will slip up, especially if they are using sheer will power.  Slips are a part of the process of becoming abstinent and being in recovery.  The truth is that for most addicts, they stop themselves from their addictive behaviors more often than they give into them. Most addicts have great will power. They lack needful support from a group of their fellow addicts who can hold them accountable. They lack a sponsor or a person who has been through the process as an addict and can be there for them in the wobbly times. They lack understanding why they engage in their addictive behaviors.  Even then, they may not be perfect.
• If a partner is addicted to pornography and masturbation, it is the other partner’s fault.  This is a manipulation the addict puts on their loved one so as to not confront the real reason(s) why they act out.  Addicted partners often use this manipulation when they perceive that they are not engaging in sexual activity as often as they need to, or when their sex life for them has become stale and unexciting.  But as previously explained, sexual addiction is not really about sex; it's about how they use sex to self-soothe.  It is their own issue.
• Shaming or embarrassing those with addictive tendencies will motivate them to stop.  Quite the opposite is true.  Shame, embarrassment and condemnation tend to cause those with such tendencies to hide them and be more secretive about them in order to avoid exposure.  People who attend relgious services can be shamed by doctrine and by eccleciastical leaders, who may ignorantly tell them to prayer more diligently or read scripture a little longer. What they need is an atmosphere of love, hope, and support, with appropriate boundaries thoughtfully and lovingly placed.
• Pornography will help a couple enhance their relationship.  This is another manipulation by the addicted partner who wrongfully believes that new, more exciting sex will make their relationship better.  Pornography is degrading to the participants, and if one of the partners is already routinely looking at pornography, chances are they will think about the person's body in the media rather than their partner when engages in sex with them.  
• If a partner has a sexual addiction, the other partner should leave (or divorce) because they will never change.  Never is a long time. People can change if they are inwardly motivated to do so. Often being discovered by their partner serves as a genuine wake up call, but an addicted partner needs to want to stop the behavior for themselves and not just to please their partner or to meet their partner's ultimatum.  Divorce is a "nuclear option" and should be used with the greatest of care, especially when children are involved.  Boundaries need to be put in place with consequences.  
• If single, getting married will solve the problem.   If one has been abstinent, being able to engage in sexual activity does not make the desire go away to look at pornography and masturbate.  There is an underlying reason for the behaviors and until they are addressed in a therapeutic setting (or if one does a genuine Fourth Step of the SA Twelve Steps), the newly married person will continue their behaviors.
• If I am active in a church congregation, God will protect me from addiction.  This is self-deceit. In most church congregations, there will be a number of people who struggle with pornography and masturbation.  They are filled with shame and often lead an exhausting double life.  Praying, studying scripture, and attending services will not automatically take away the desire to indulge in these behaviors.  
• If a partner confesses to an ecclesiastical leader, the addiction will go away.   Such thinking would be similar to going to the family doctor to talk about one's diabetes and then believing it will go away.  Besides, most ecclesiatical authorities to not understand addiction. The addiction won't go away until the addict confesses to themselves that they are powerless over their addiction and that their lives have become unmanageable. 

If you or a loved one has challenges with a possible addiction to pornography and masturbation and would like some help, please contact me personally at my email:  robertedavismft@gmail.com.

The Fourth Step & My Son

For those readers who don't know, I am a psychotherapist who specializes in, but is not limited in my scope of practice, to sexual addiction.  I meet with people who often are powerless over their "inappropriate" sexual activities and whose lives have become quite unmanageable as a result. If that wording seems vaguely familiar, it is a paraphrase of the First Step of the Twelve Steps to Recovery.

From 2009 through 2012, I was involved with the LDS Church's Addiction Recovery Program (ARP).  Similar to Alcoholics Anonymous, Sexaholics Anonymous, and other addiction recovery programs, the ARP ultilizes in its group meetings the Twelve Steps to Recovery that the "Anonymous" world uses, only with an LDS spin. During this time, I led multiple "addicts" groups.

It was while I was involved with leading ARP groups that I came to really understand the Twelve Steps of Recovery.  Although the LDS Twelve Steps are slightly different than those used by AA, NA, SA, etc., the basic ideas are the same.  I came to understand the importance of the Twelve Steps, be they LDS or not.  I came to understand how important and necessary each Step is.  I came to understand the importance of their sequence. Perhaps most importantly, I came to understand their power in the lives of those who really "work the Steps."

This latter understanding was reconfirmed once again as I recently spoke again with my son about his recovery from chemical addiction (specifically heroin). I am so proud that he has four years' sobriety, as of last week. I know that sobriety does not always mean recovery; real recovery occurs when when the "addict" comes to understand the reasons underlying their addictive behaviors, and takes measures to deal with those issues. In his case, real recovery is occuring.

Happily and gratefully, my son is gaining ever increasing understanding about those underlying reasons.  He was ignorant of them during his thirteen years or so of chemical addiction, and it wasn't until he reached "rock bottom" and checked into the rehab in San Pedro, California, called Beacon House, that he was really introduced to them.  It wasn't until he fully opened himself to them that significant progress was made. He opened up to the possibility that his best thinking wasn't working; that he didn't have the answers; that if he didn't change course soon he would either be in prison or dead. (His words!)

He credits his intense work with the Twelve Steps, the literature of recovery, the staff and director of the Beacon House, his therapist, and God, for his progress thus far. He also credits being able to serve, and work with, new arrivals for helping confirm his new path.  But any recovering addict will tell you, however, that recovery is "one day at a time," and my son understands that completely. 

Because he and I share a great love and appreciation for the Twelve Steps, our recent discussion for me seemed to center on the importance in his recovery (and may I say, it must be in every Twelve Step adherent's recovery) of a fearlessly honest Fourth Step.  That step reads in the LDS Twelve Steps (it's almost identical to the non-LDS Fourth Step):

Make a searching and fearless written moral inventory of yourself.

It involves being brutally honest about yourself, beginning in one's early years and continuing to the present.  It involves introspectively looking at one's behaviors, one's thoughts, one's environment, one's poor choices, and writing it all down. Done correctly, one's life is laid bare in all its dysfunction, and the painful scenarios almost always begin in one's childhood.

With the help of others who had been through the process as "addicts" themselves and who knew when someone wasn't going "deep enough" into their Fourth Step family of origin issues, he came to realize just how dysfunctional he had become as an adult as a result of unresolved childhood issues.  He came to understand how deep those issues were.  He came to see that this process was his chance to make a significant change in his life. He also came to realize that ultimately he could not effect this profound change without God's help, because his own best thinking had not produced a good life.

That brutally honest Fourth Step made all the difference for him.  It helped create a kind of road map for him to follow on his journey to recovery. He finally began to reconstruct his life with God's help and the help of supporters at the Beacon House. 

The Beacon House staff encouraged him to have very limited contact with his mother and me--and for that matter, his siblings--because of the dynamics uncovered in his Fourth Step. That work involved putting me and the rest of our family dynamics "under a microscope."  Even after four years, my contact with him is on his terms, rarely more than once a month, as he continues to work through his family of origin issues that powered his addiction.  

Our recent conversation about the Fourth Step and family of origin issues was somewhat difficult for me because I felt that even though he was ultimately responsible for his addictive acting-out, I was part of the dysfuction. I had to own the concept that I had my own inadequecies as he was growing up--my own stuff--and that my own stuff sometimes got in the way of being the father that he needed me to be. I have beaten myself up about this in the past, and even though I have forgiven myself, it sometime still hurts to recognize what I did or didn't do for him. 

He owns the fact that, at the end of the day, he was/is responsible for addiction. Only he can do the heavy lifting of recovery work.  Only he can continue humbling himself and listening to veterans of the road to recovery. Only he can make wise, correct choices going forward.

But what a turn-around he has made!  His future is bright.  He is in the last semester of a four semester course at California State--Dominguez Hills University to become licensed to be a Drug & Alcohol Rehabilitation Counselor. 

I thank Bill W. and Dr. Bob for acting on their inspiration and authoring the Twelve Steps of Recovery so many years ago, ideas that have helped literally millions of people, and in particular, one person so dear to my heart. 

Today While the Blossom Still Clings to the Vine

The Triplets One Year Ago At Our Home

         Way back when I was a 19 year old serving a mission for the LDS Church, I really struggled with beating myself up.  Part of my problem was worrying about and being anxious about the future.  I would worry about what I wasn’t and how I couldn’t possibly be effective going forward.  It would affect my mood and it would affect my body. 

In fact, I don’t think that I was diagnosed on my  mission as having ulcers in my stomach from my anxiety, but I do know that I would experience terrible abdominal pains during my mission that would put me in bed for long periods of time.  My mom had ulcers because of her anxiety and I just thought in my young mind that I had inherited her malady.  I have come to understand that my family of origin, and my mother in particular, had a significant role in how I did or didn’t handle my anxiety in those early years.

Something happened towards the end of my mission that changed me.  In an interview with my Mission President, he challenged me to “stop worrying about myself and just do the work.”  As I thought about it after, and in the days that followed, I knew that he was right, and I began to remember a line that a girl friend had mentioned to me before my mission as she observed me being anxious.  She would cleverly say, “don’t trouble trouble until trouble troubles you.”

Since those early years, I have attempted to not “trouble trouble.”  I believe that for the most part, I have been successful at doing that.  I will occasionally feel anxiety about something unpleasant that needs to be done, but I have learned not to worry about issues or events over which I have no control.

However, as I have raised four children, been married for quite awhile, and have had to make decisions along the way in employment and living quarters, I have had occasion to reflect on what I did well and what I didn’t do well.  My challenge through much of my adult life has been to beat myself up and feel depressed for poor choices.  As I have said numerous times in my work in addiction recovery, if I have an addiction, it is the addiction of beating myself up emotionally and feeling sad and depressed about my actions, or inactions as the case may be.

Reflecting again on my upbringing, my mom suffered from severe depression.  She had a nervous breakdown not long after she had colon cancer and was given a colostomy, which back in those days in the early 60s was a permanent and traumatic solution.  She took anti-depressants—such as they were back then—for the rest of her life.  I remember her as being sad, experiencing crying jags, and feeling sad and depressed often.

Some clients that I deal with will often inform me that the depression that they feel was likely passed on to them genetically from a parent/parents, and occasionally, from grandparents, and even aunts or uncles.  I’m not sure if depression is in fact passed on from generation to generation; I’m not sure what the latest research would inform me about that.  What I am pretty sure of is that descendents can have a disposition to have depressive thoughts, just like children/grandchildren of alcoholics and other addictions can have a tendency to surrender to those chemicals and behaviors.  But just because one has a disposition or tendency to be depressed, in most cases it doesn't necessarily mean that they must be depressed--or addicted.  One may have a physical issue or may be taking medication that makes them feel depressed, but often, skills can be learned to enable one to function and not feel the storm cloud in their life.

In my life, especially in the last few years, I have really been developing the skill of challenging my tendency to feel sad and depressed—emotionally beating myself up.  As I educate my clients about challenging and interrupting their automatic, negative thoughts, I have likewise been practicing the same action on my thoughts.  I acknowledge the automatic, negative thoughts that I experience but then ask myself either or both of these questions:

Where did this thought come from?  This involves mindfulness and introspection about my family of origin and my life experiences, and recognizing that I might be dealing with dysfunctions of my childhood or using a ego defense/survival thought to supposedly take care of myself.  

Where will this thought take me and do I want to go there? This again demands thoughtfulness about what actions could occur as a result of these thoughts.  I ask myself if those actions are congruent with who I am and what I want in life.  I ask myself if any harm could arise physically or emotionally within me or my loved ones if I act on the thought.

             Particularly in the past year, I believe I have been given to understand an important truth about being depressed about who I was or what I did/didn’t do in the past, and about being anxious about what might happen in the future.  This is the existential truth:  If I live in the depression of the past and the anxiety of the future, I miss out on the present.  So if I am powerless to change the past and am ultimately powerless over what will happen in the future, why not surrender the depression and the anxiety and live in the here and now?

             As I have attempted to live in the present, surrendering my past and my future, I have experienced great serenity.  I believe I am trying to do what AA teaches—“to let go and let God.”  I am learning better how to live and love.  I find that I notice, enjoy, and appreciate more the common day-to-day occurrences and tender mercies.   I have realized that this paradigm is incredibly liberating. 

             I certainly don’t live this way all of the time.  But I do manage to espouse this way of looking at life most of the time.  It is part of my transition to a better life.

Guilty as Charged or Shame on Me

         

           In doing what I do in the addiction recovery world in which I live, I have commented multiple times that my addiction is beating myself up for the regrettable actions of my past and for what I currently am not.  I am every bit as addicted to those thoughts and feelings as any addicted person that I attempt to help.  It seems to be naturally easy to allow those thoughts and feelings to overcome me like a big wave, tumbling me mercilessly and slamming me onto the bottom.  It is as if I take some absurd pleasure in doing so and think that perhaps I deserve to feel bad.

            To be sure, I do not beat myself up all of the time.  Usually, I manage to not go there or to talk myself through it as the wave is crashing.  But it happens enough and I am weary of this aspect of me.

I wonder if I feel guilt for what I have done and what I am not, or if I feel shame.  Guilt is what is felt when we do something wrong.  It can motivate us to be more aware of our actions and to make improvements in our behavior.  Shame is what is felt when we are something wrong.  In other words, it is about our essence, about being wrong, and not just what we do.

Do I see myself subconsciously as being fatally flawed?  Do I believe that I must be perfect, or some notion of being almost perfect, and that since I am not, I must atone for who I am by feeling bad?  Do I pretend not to compare who I am with others but then compare myself with them anyway?  Do I see myself as a fake, a poser? 

I feel the need to explore more of who I am and what is my level of shame.  I am going to be involved in leading an addiction recovery group on shame and the coursework demands that facilitators do work on themselves so that it is real and not just theoretical.  This introspection will hopefully lead me to another transition….  

Real Recovery From Someone Who Knows

               As many of you know, my son Robert is in a substance rehab facility in Southern California and has been there for almost 29 months.  He has stayed clean and sober those 29 months, a great accomplishment, and I am hopeful that he finally understands the "whys" of his addiction and has taken actions to turn that understanding into changed behavior and thinking.  I believe that he has done so based upon the monthly conversations he has with Ann and me once a month when he is allowed to contact us.  

               Some months ago, I asked him to write down what he was telling us--both for his own benefit and for mine.  Obviously, since I work in the addiction world as a therapist, I am always looking for articles and ideas that I can share with some of my clients.  He finally has produced the following.  He acknowledges that many of the ideas he presents are not necessarily his own (he got many from the AA Big Book and the AA Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions) but they have been filtered and enlarged upon as he makes his way on the road to addiction recovery.  I thought that it was worthwhile to share with the world.  Maybe it can help you or someone you know!

Brains: Masking Pain through Adrenaline

            One of the functions of the brain is to protect a person from pain. This is accomplished through adrenaline. Adrenaline is a powerful anesthetic for both physical and emotional pain. The injuries of a fight, either physical or emotional, are often not felt until after the conflict is over, and the adrenaline is wearing off. Because of the powerful effects of adrenaline, we are all addicted to it.

Adrenaline can be had in many different ways. You can get adrenaline from positive and negative sources. Sports are an example of a positive source of adrenaline. Negative sources of adrenaline can be had from behaviors such as intimidation, sarcasm, wallowing in self-pity, fantasizing, verbal abuse, etc. Some sources can be negative or positive, depending on what it’s being used for. An example would be getting lost in the fantasy of a movie. There is adrenaline attached to the fantasy of a movie. However, it becomes a negative source if, for example, at work you get yelled at by your boss, and rather than deal and process the effects of the altercation, you watch a movie for the fantasy as an escape from dealing with the emotional effects of the encounter with the boss.

From a very young age, our brains learn to use adrenaline to mask pain. In fact, most people’s first memory is of an event or activity where they experienced some adrenaline. When it comes to trauma experienced during the developmental stages of life, the more painful the experience, the more adrenaline is needed to mask the pain. In the brain’s efforts to cope and protect the person from the debilitating pain of trauma, behaviors are learned to effectively get adrenaline to mask the pain. In an environment where trauma isn’t processed in a healthy way, the child is left with coming up with their own behaviors. These behaviors which provide the necessary adrenaline fix to mask pain become the answers to the problems for how they feel. These answers work, at least for a time.

The behaviors adults use that are unhealthy are the learned answers for adrenaline developed as a child in response to traumas. When a child reaches puberty, the onset of these changes with the influx of hormonal changes and combined with the social stresses, forces the teenager to increase the adrenaline they’re seeking to mask the increased pain of puberty. This could mean more frequently engaging in activities that provide adrenaline, or picking up new answers that provide a higher dose. Many teenagers at the onset of puberty will start bullying, setting fires, torturing animals, molesting, breaking the law, and experimenting with sex and drugs. These activities all have super high levels of adrenaline attached to them.

But when an adult is still using childhood answers and is also an addict, it causes a whole set of difficult problems. The result is the unmanageability of life described in the second half of the First Step. These childhood answers reinforce and increase the selfishness and self-centeredness of the addict, inflicting pain on all who get caught up in their inability to cope with life while simultaneously exacerbating the problems created from addiction.

In recovery, the addict learns new answers that are healthy in an effort to replace the unhealthy adrenaline-seeking answers developed as a child. This process takes time for it is only by trial and error through repetition that these new answers become part of their character, which is the goal. These new answers are spiritual in nature, and incorporate the principles of the Steps like honesty, willingness, justice, discipline, courage, etc. Finally, childhood answers are directly connected to the calamity of when what is God-given in every child is twisted and buried beneath the pain of trauma.

Twisted Instincts

We are all born with instincts. They are God-given and therefore good. They keep us alive, and drive us to do the activities necessary for survival. They can be categorized into the three different instincts: social, security, and sexual. The social instinct is the drive for humans to be accepted and feel a part of a social organization greater than themselves, like family, friends, and community. The security instinct is our need for shelter, food, clothing, and other material needs for our day to day existence. The sexual instinct is the drive for a mate and to reproduce.

When humans are exposed to traumas and accompanying unhealthy energies which are absorbed in their developing stages of life, these instincts become twisted. For example, our social and security instincts are to be met and directed by our parents. But when a child experiences abandonment from a parent, the child experiences a mental imprint, and a deficiency in their social instinct not being met is created.

The need for this instinct to be satisfied results in behavior that attempts to satisfy this instinct. It is the behavior people engage in to satisfy unmet instincts that characterize twisted instincts, for we are attempting to get more satisfaction for our instincts than God intended us to. In the example of a child whose social instinct was threatened by abandonment, the child will try to satisfy this instinct in a variety of unhealthy behaviors which could include being codependent, pretending to be someone they’re not for friendship, people-pleasing, making unfair demands for attention, and requiring validation from people, etc. All of the overreaching to satisfy twisted instincts is selfish in nature, sinful, and is the cause of all emotional problems and conflicts in relationships.

An important purpose of the Fourth Step is for the addict to look at how their instincts got twisted. The events surrounding the traumas an addict experiences in the developing stages of life is referred to in AA literature as “causes and conditions”. The Fourth Step confronts the causes and conditions where the instincts were twisted by traumas, and illuminates how this twisting of instincts resulted in the development of coping behaviors which are unhealthy and selfish. These coping behaviors or “answers” that are the products of twisted instincts are the reason why a person turns to drugs in the first place. As stated in AA literature, “alcohol is but a symptom” of the problem.

Indeed, drugs are but one of many unhealthy solutions to the problem of pain experienced from trauma resulting in twisted instincts. As previously stated, these unhealthy answers that are adrenaline-fueled help us to deal with self, which is our true problem. Our twisted instincts seek to keep us "in self," cut off from God and others. The further we indulge in the activities that attempt to satisfy our twisted instincts, the more we come into conflict with others. That creates the need for more selfish attempts to satisfy our twisted instincts. This self destructive cycle keeps us miserable, and for an addict, takes us to the point of suicide. Our answers no longer work, and everyone has been effectively driven away by our selfishness, achieving the disease's goal for the isolation from everyone who cares about us. To the extent we indulge in satisfying our twisted instincts, we are cut off from the grace of God and from a faith that works.  

A Channel for God’s Will

So how does all this affect our relationship with Heavenly Father? We are on this planet to serve His will, to bring Him glory. The questions we must ask and face are: what keeps us from being a better servant? What keeps us from being in God's will more? What percentage of the day is spent "in self," and what percent is spent "out of self," which will always be God's will for us. The fact is that the closer we are to being our true selves, the person Heavenly Father sent us to be, the more effectively we can serve His will.

However, the childhood traumas we experience move us away from our true selves, and the unhealthy answers we develop as a result of our twisted instincts effectively moves us farther and farther away from our "soul purpose".  By healing these traumas, giving them to God so that through Jesus Christ we can be made whole, we can start to establish a connection with God where we can intuitively serve His will.

As the Big Book states, we "intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us.” We are faced with situations every day where we can choose self will or God's will. If we are stuck "in self" due to sinful behavior as a result of reacting to a twisted instinct, we won't have the connection needed in the moment to clearly see what God's will is for us, and we will be cut off from the power which can be given through the Holy Ghost needed to make the right decision. The more stuff we clear away from our past and heal from that cuts us off from God, the more often we can intuitively make the right decision that falls in line with God's will for us.

This is how we come to have a faith that works in any condition, for when we are connected and aligned with God's will, we are insulated from the temptations of the adversary. When we heal our traumas that effectively keep us creating conditions where we are stuck in self, and practice keeping the commandments and live by spiritual principles, we stay "out of self," and God's love and power can flow through us always, resulting in saying what He wants us to say, doing what He wants us to do, and fulfilling our callings on this Earth. When we stay out of the way, and let Heavenly Father work through us, we know true happiness. There is no doubt that our prayers will be answered. We can be of maximum service to our fellow men, for our "crap" is not affecting or clouding God's ability to work through us.

Been Awhile...Checking In

                It’s been awhile since I posted on this blog.  I must admit to allowing distractions in my life, but I am committing to be more diligent.  Writing my thoughts and feelings is very therapeutic for me and helps me to focus them—as opposed to having them come and go.

                Let me be systematic in writing them, as opposed to some kind of a stream of consciousness riff.  I am kind of a systematic guy, always looking for the system (what is in the background causing the behavior).  I will try to be precise, but at the same time, eloquent.

                Politics—I keep an eye and ear on what is going on with the presidential election as well as what is (or isn’t) going on in Washington.  Politics is a nasty game, not for the faint of heart, but I am afraid that there are very few truly principled men and women that work there.  But the way our government is set up, we should try to elect such principled people at the ballot box and then hold their feet to the fire, so to speak. 

                If you’ve read some of my recent posts, I have been following the Romney campaign closely and observing how his presence on the national scene has affected my Church and its perceptions in the media and by people in the country.  I have been intrigued by his “no-win” scenario when it comes to his religion; how he can’t talk about his religion in any way because 1) he doesn’t want to alienate those Evangelicals on his right, 2) he doesn’t want to be seen as a mouthpiece for leaders of my Church who have constantly reminded the members about political neutrality, and 3) he doesn’t want to bring about the possibility that any of the Church’s past beliefs such as polygamy and blacks and the Priesthood will distract him from his message.

                Sadly, as many articles have shown, being frozen in this manner does not allow him to bring up his “humanity” as shown by his service as a lay ecclesiastical leader and as a missionary in France.  He may campaign in a somewhat stiff manner, but I know enough about his past from study to know that there isn’t much stiffness.  It would be more accurate to say that he is focused on accomplishment, being a good missionary, a good bishop, a good leader at Bain Capital, a good husband, a good father.  I have no doubt that this single-mindedness and drive will make him a caring but competent leader of the Country.  I also have no doubt that the only way he will be elected President is if it is God’s will.

                Same-Sex Attraction—You should know by now that this is a subject of great interest to me.  You also should know that while I have some strong beliefs about various aspects of this subject, I am in a transitional place as to my ultimate feelings about it.  It is my desire to be congruent and consistent in those ideas that I finally choose to espouse. 

                I have been interested by a blog called The Weed, written by a member of the Church named Josh Weed and his wife.  It seems, if he is to be believed, that he has had and still has SSA but has been in a heterosexual marriage for 10 years and has kept his “orientation” in the closet until he felt like he, she, and it (the marriage) were strong enough to weather the controversy that would occur as a result of his “coming out.”  His wife knew about this issue long before they decided to get married, and in fact, they were very best friends from childhood, and he finally realized that she could be more than that and that he wanted to be obedient to the teachings of the Church regarding marriage.  Nothing wrong with marrying one of your best friends; I did.

                I likewise have been intrigued by an article that was posted on a website I frequent.  It relates a similar story to that of Josh Weed.  This male member of the Church is a therapist like me, but wrote that he likewise had SSA early on   He decided to get married to a woman and writes that he is very happy and in full fellowship in the Church.  He likewise realized that he did not want to be celibate for the rest of his life and wanted to place himself in a position to receive what he says are all of the blessings available to those who marry in the Covenant.  He discusses three issues brought up by the You Tube video made by gay and lesbian students at BYU called It Gets Better in the context of Gospel beliefs.

                The blog and the article have caused me to reflect on my attitudes.  As I’ve stated, I am in the process of trying to figure out where I am on this issue.  One thing that I am sure of, however, is of the importance of loving all of the Father’s children, no matter who they are.

ARP—Other than speaking at a meeting in August with some Stake Presidents of the San Fernando Valley, Santa Clarita Valley, Antelope Valley, and points northeast of Los Angeles regarding ARP, I have been released from my regional calling as Program Coordinator.  I may be asked to help start a Spanish–speaking ARP in Orange County or to help out with a Spanish-speaking ARP elsewhere, but those opportunities will be rare.  Having been released last December from attending twice a week ARP groups here locally, for the first time since 2006 I am without what could be termed a “major” calling or responsibility.  I still function weekly as a Sunday School teacher to the 4-6 young men and women aged 14-15 in my congregation, and I enjoy doing that.  It is “major” on one level, and I am enjoying being “under the radar.” 

                Ann and I have grown considerably in this calling, and we both consider it divine intervention that we were given this opportunity to serve.  It has helped me in my career as a therapist who specializes in sexual addiction, giving me a pretty firm grasp of the Twelve Steps and their importance in recovery work.  It gave me a chance to see people struggle against addictive behaviors and has caused me to look inside of myself and my own issues.  I am convinced that God gave me yet another opportunity to be a trail blazer in another endeavor; someone who is planting seeds and establishing protocols and formulating procedures that will be followed and improved upon by those who will follow after me as the endeavor matures.  It was this way on my mission, when I served as a branch president on my mission and in the Spanish Branch in Newhall, and when I served as bishop of the Singles Ward in Glendale.

MY HEALTH—I celebrated my 58^th birthday on June 4.  Physically, I am doing pretty well.  I stopped running about the time I became a bishop and have only run a handful of times since then.  I do go on fast walks with Ann (and sometimes alone—when I will sometimes run) a couple of times a week, we are trying to hike more often, and I try to keep active.  But the reality is that I don’t seem to have quite the lung capacity that I have had in the past.  My blood pressure has gone from being low (a source of pride for most of my adult life) at around 100-110/72-75 to a more normal 120-124/80.  It’s still good but I would like to see it lower.  I am in the first stages of diabetes but I am controlling it with pills and diet.  My weight has been in a 5 lb. range for tens of years.  I had my eyesight checked and it is doing fine.  I go to the chiropractor for adjustments for my neck and back.  There is some arthritis present in my hip area and it usually manifests itself in the wee hours of the morning causing me to wake up and turn over a number of times.  All in all, I’d give myself a B+.  I’d give myself an A- if I could lose about 10 lbs.

                Emotionally, I feel that I am in a good health.  I feel pretty positive and good these days.  I do a good job of not beating myself up when I do something dim-witted.  I am in touch with Bobby, my inner child.  I feel good about the work I do daily on the relationship with Ann, and I feel like my relationships with my kids and grandkids is as healthy as they have ever been.  I feel pleased about my employment situation.   I would say that I am in a good place, and I’d give myself an A.

                Spiritually, I need to spend more time and effort feeding my spirit.  My hectic life is not so hectic these days such that I do have the time to give it nourishment.  It’s a matter of organizing my time in the morning and making spiritual matters a priority.  I need to work on not rationalizing, a life-long challenge I’ve had.  My basic testimony is strong, and while I don’t understand some things and get frustrated at times with the bureaucracy of the Church and how some members focus on doing rather than being, I realize that people are the Church and that the organization of the Church is to give me the opportunity to be a true disciple and to love as Christ loved and loves.  The Church is the means to the end but not the end.  Luckily for me, Ann feels pretty much the same way such that we focus on what is eternal and important, and let the other stuff fall away.  I would give myself a B, and know that I am capable of full-on A because I’ve been an A for much of my life.

A RECOVERY PARADOX...FOR ME ANYWAY

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,

courage to change the things I can,

and the wisdom to know the difference.

So reads what is known in the Recovery World of Alcoholics Anonymous, Narcotics Anonymous, Nicotine Anonymous, Sex Addicts Anonymous, and all of the myriad “Anonymouses,” or “Anonymai,” as the “Serenity Prayer.”  This Prayer has been recited by literally millions of people, and will likely be recited by millions more in the years and decades to come, especially as addictions continue to plague society.  It is a Prayer in which the person reciting it is committing to—or at least desiring to commit to—an emotional surrendering to a Higher Power.  This spirit of surrender is embodied in the first three steps of the Twelve Step Program that the organizations above espouse:

Step 1—We admitted we were powerless over [our addiction]—that our lives had become unmanageable.  (“I can’t.”)

Step 2—Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.  (“God can.”)

Step 3—Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood him.  (“I’ll let him.”)

The idea of “surrendering” in the recovery world that I inhabit is both appealing and perplexing to me.  Secular, popular Western culture (and ironically, LDS culture) seems to promote personal self-sufficiency, yet “surrendering” is in line with the doctrine of grace in Christian and other religious communities.  In my world of addiction recovery, and I spend a lot of time there, there appears to be a paradox of the Addict surrendering to God (a la Twelve Step Programs) vs. those same Programs and addiction rehabilitation programs far and wide promoting cognitive-based behavioral changes which have as their goal to restructure the thinking of the triggered addict so that new, positive, non-irrational thoughts can produce new positive behaviors.  It seems paradoxical to me because the former implies that the Addict is powerless over the addiction and should surrender to it (to feel it), and surrender to a “full of grace” God, yet the latter would imply that the Addict indeed has power and should take the “non-surrendering” responsibility and change his/her irrational thoughts that lead to addictive, destructive behaviors. 

Interestingly, in my therapy and Twelve Step work I have related both ideas to clients and members of recovery groups, depending on the circumstance.  I can easily defend both ways of dealing with addiction.  Perhaps this may be a deficiency in me.  I have the thought that I am wanting/needing to work out this paradox in order to be completely congruent in my role as a therapist.  But then, could both ways of looking at recovery be correct for the addict?  Can he/she experience both and incorporate them into their recovery? How does that work?  

Is it possible that surrender is indeed a necessary and integral part of recovery, and that someone using and “working” the Twelve Steps can simultaneously surrender will and change thoughts (“stinking thinking”)which then change behaviors?  Does the addict surrender to God (or a Higher Power) who then theoretically changes the thoughts of the addict?  Is challenging the irrational thinking a focus on abstinence from the addiction rather than on real recovery (assuming the belief that abstinence is not necessarily recovery)?

Or can it be said that surrendering to the feeling of the desire to “act out” or to participate in the addiction (feeling one’s “dark side”) must indeed occur in order for the addict to cognitively not engage in “stinking thinking” and choose not to indulge in the behavior? Is this the process that ultimately must take place in the life of the addict before there is recovery?  If so, what role does a Higher Power (God) and the addict’s surrendering to It/Him play in that process?

Or is the idea of surrendering the initial part of recovery, and the cognitive challenging of irrational thoughts the later, on-going work of the recovery process?  Or, when all is said and done, are they just two different ways of dealing with addiction?

I congratulate those who read this blog and have gotten to this end of my musings about addiction.  Writing this blog is an important outlet for me and this posting is all about me and my musings.  I apologize to anyone reading this who has not been affected by addiction or who couldn’t care less.  This blog is about my transitions (RED IN TRANSITION) and this is a transition from uncertainty that I want to make that is important to me.

Mindfulness and Gratitude

I was asked to speak to my congregation a couple of weeks ago.  I decided to post it on this blog.  It may be a little long, but hopefully worth the time.

I was reading about an experience a young mother had with her three-year-old as she was praying with him.  She related the following:

“I knelt beside my three-year-old and listened to his scrambled bedtime prayer: ‘I’m thankful for Mommy and Daddy, snow and clouds.  I’m thankful for Santa Claus.  I’m thankful for pizza and my big brother.  Thank you for food.  Thank you for everything.’”

“I waited as he hesitated.  With such a long inventory of blessings, I assumed he was deciding between continuing his list and jumping into his warm, inviting bed.  After a long pause, he hastily added, ‘Oh, and please bless our dumb old cat.’  He then finished his prayer with an emphatic ‘AMEN.’” 1

This experience caused this young mother to look at her life and to contrast her adult life with her children’s lives.  She continued:

“I tried to remember the last time I had thanked the Lord for such things.  Certainly my life was filled with small blessings.  Like my son, I thought pizza was delightful, but never included it in my prayers.  I enjoyed snow and clouds too, but I never mentioned them either.”  She then wrote:

“I liked to think I omitted such items because they were too insignificant to include among important adult acknowledgements and appeals.  But I knew that in reality I no longer noticed them.  I had become so busy with “to do” lists and responsibilities that I no longer paid attention to the tiny purple flowers dotting the backyard, the intricacies of leaves, or the earth-washed smell of fresh rain.”

“Unlike me, my children noticed all the details of their young lives.  Nothing escaped their observant eyes and appreciative hearts.  My five-year-old ran for the sheer joy of feeling his healthy body move—not to burn calories or reach his target heart rate.  My three-year-old danced exuberantly whenever music was played and squished mud between his toes just to feel the warm, gloppy ooze.  My baby was a study in joy.  He tasted soap bubbles, smeared his hair with applesauce, and chased shiny, black beetles—unfettered by grown-up notions of cleanliness or repugnance toward six-legged creatures.” 2

My intent was not to write about being grateful and what we should be grateful for.  Rather, I would like to share insights that have helped me to know better HOW to be grateful.  My focus is to remind us about the secrets that young children seem to know instinctively and that teenagers and adults seem to forget about, secrets that the young mother realized in the story I related.

D o you recall what she said about not paying attention to the tiny purple flowers in her backyard, the intricacies of leaves, and the earth-washed smell of fresh rain?  How she had forgotten what it feels like to dance when music was played, to squish mud between her toes, to taste soap bubbles, to know the joy of smearing hair with applesauce, and chasing shiny black beetles?

I love Primary songs, and one of my favorites comes to mind:

Whenever I hear the song of a bird or look at the blue, blue sky, whenever I feel the rain on my face or the wind as it rushes by,

Whenever I touch a velvet rose or walk by a lilac tree, I’m glad that I live in this beautiful world Heavenly Father created for me.

He gave me my eyes that I might see the color of butterfly wings.  He gave me my ears that I might hear the magical sound of things.

He gave me my life, my mind, my heart, I thank Him reverently for all His creations of which I’m a part.  Yes I know Heavenly Father loves me. 3

Did we get part of the secret from the story of the young mother and the Primary song above?  It involves enjoying our senses, being aware of them.  It involves s-l-o-w-i-n-g d-o-w-n our lives and living in the present—the here and now.  When was the last time we took time to listen for the song of a bird or look at the blue sky?  When did we last touch or smell a velvet rose?  When did we last decide to slow down and listen to the magical sound of things or dance when a particular song came on—for no other reason than to experience life?  I’m not proposing that we smear our hair with applesauce, but what I am recommending is that you and I SLOW DOWN and literally and figuratively smell the roses.  It’s about allowing slowing down and allowing our senses to help us feel gratitude.

By doing so, we will begin to do what the children’s song indicated in the last line: we [will] thank Him reverently for all His creations [for which we] are part.  We will more fully come to know, as the song says, [that] Heavenly Father loves [us]. 4   Slowing down and experiencing the moment in which we are, can be called being MINDFUL.  Mindfulness, I believe, is the big, overarching secret, the very key to gratitude and the way to know and feel God’s love.

Let me share a couple of experiences I had recently that will help define what I mean by being mindful through living in the here and now and enjoying our feelings and senses.

I have had all kinds of aches and pains for many years, particularly in my lower back.  I’ve been to the chiropractor many times, I’ve purchased a special bed, I’ve taken literally bottles of ibuprofen through the years, I’ve tried to keep a good posture, but I still have back issues, especially in the middle of the night and when I wake up in the morning.  My wife has experienced her own issues relative to our advancing years, and recently she got this wild hare about taking yoga classes.  

I initially was less than enthusiastic about it but I finally decided that I would try it with her and see what happened.

The first time we went, we both became nauseous.  It was SO hard!  But we continued to go, my wife more often than me.  It still is hard.  I am not into yoga meditation and chanting that sometimes is done at the classes, but I am getting a little bit better at contorting my body into the movements and poses.  And let me be clear: anybody who does yoga knows that the contorting of the body forces one to focus on just the breathing and the sensations of the body, and NOTHING ELSE!  I sense the strains, the heat of the muscles, the breathing.

Since starting to do yoga, not only has my back and balance improved, but it has forced me to be mindful for 60 or 90 minutes, and that is a good thing for me.  As I slow down and am mindful about the experience, I notice that my back is getting better, that I have a wife who challenges me and helps me to do things I probably wouldn’t do otherwise, that I have two arms and two legs with which to do yoga, that I am actually able to some of the actions, and that I have been blessed financially to be able to take the classes.  I feel grateful that I have a car in which to drive to the classes, and the money to put gas in the car, and that afterwards I have a home to return to.

The other experience I want to share has to do with my experience in the last area of my mission to Argentina.  It was the first (and probably the last) time missionaries had lived in this particular place, and there was no running hot water or heat in the shower area of the bathroom.  Occasionally it got very cold.  What I would do during those cold spells was to go without showering for a couple of days but then I would shiver my way through a 3-4 minute ordeal, only turning on the water to get wet and to rinse.

Some days I forget, but I often try to go to a mindful place and remember how it was by I luxuriating under a stream of warm water.  Afterwards, in a mindful place, I will really enjoy and feel gratitude for stepping out of the shower and not seeing my breath. 

And that brings up another aspect of being mindful: slowing down and being in the here and now enough to realize what blessings I have right now that others don’t have.  It’s being able to feel gratitude without being compelled by our circumstances to feel gratitude.  It doesn’t come from a place of pride but rather, a gratefulness that comes from mindfulness.

Let me share an example of what I mean from my extended family.  I have a nephew who was born without the ability to rotate his arms, to turn his palms upward.  They always face downward, or perpendicular to the ground.  For me, it is a simple, mindless action to rotate my palms but for him it is an impossibility.  To his credit, he has not allowed the disability to stop him from using his arms and hands as best he can.  He has learned to play the piano (palms down), he has learned to play the trombone (palms perpendicular), and has even learned to play lacrosse (palms perpendicular).

When I succeed at being mindful, especially when I pray my morning prayer, I will rotate my palms up and down a couple of times.  That is my way to express to Heavenly Father that I am trying to be grateful for those physical blessings that I might take for granted. 

When I succeed at being mindful, I express gratitude for being free of pain in that moment because so many of His children have so much physical pain.  When I am mindful, I have thanked Him for being able to swallow because I was hospitalized a few years ago with epiglottitis, which was a swollen epiglottis that made it terribly painful to swallow and for which I had to be hospitalized in intensive care.

When I succeed at being mindful, I am grateful to be able to see because I have worn glasses since age 5 and have feared getting a sharp blow to my head and having my retinas detach.  I try to utter a little prayer of thanksgiving when I look at the mountains which surround where I live here in Southern California, when I see the white or gray of clouds, the green of grass in my yard, the red of my car, the blue of the ocean, the orange of pumpkins, the black of licorice. 

I really believe that my senses help me to be grateful, but I must slow down and be in the here and now to have these realizations.  In the Bible story of the ten lepers, I wonder if after being healed of leprosy, the nine neglected to give thanks to Him because they did not stay in the moment.  Perhaps their lives quickly became crowded with details and trivialities.  Maybe they were impatient and wanted to quickly join their families and community, wanting to forget about their former lives altogether.  Perhaps they felt entitled.  Regardless, once the miracle took place, they did not feel the need to offer thanks; they lost their mindfulness.

As you and I plead with the Lord to receive blessings in our prayers, are we mindful enough to thank Him for giving us blessings?  Do we ever purposefully offer a prayer of gratitude for all of our blessings and not made a single request?  When I have done that, I have noticed that it puts me in a mindful place, and I notice that I will thank Him for blessings that I normally wouldn’t and that I might take for granted.  I am reminded of the words of King Benjamin recorded in Mosiah 2:21:

“I say unto you that if ye should serve him who has created you from the beginning, and is preserving you from day to day, by lending you breath, that ye may live and move and do according to your own will, and even supporting you from one moment to another—I say, If ye should serve him with all your whole souls yet ye would be unprofitable servants.”

The truth is that indeed the Lord lends us our very breath which allows us to live.  He blesses us with so much that we often don’t notice or that we take for granted.  I don’t want to be like the ungrateful nine lepers.  I would rather be mindful and return daily to the Worker of miracles in my life and fall at His feet and worship Him by offering my gratitude.

I am grateful for having the Gospel in my life.  I am grateful for a loving wife who supports me and helps do difficult things like taking yoga classes, and who works alongside of me in the Addiction Recovery Program of LDS Family Services.  I am grateful for that Program and for the Twelve Steps of Recovery.  I am grateful for the hard earned sobriety of my heroin-addicted son what has 19 months clean and sober.  I am grateful for my Priesthood.  I am grateful to have a temple so close and a car to get me there and to the Chapel because they haven’t always been so close and we haven’t always had a car.  I am grateful for Church leaders like our bishop and stake presidency and general Church leaders.  I am grateful for music and the joy that it brings me, and that I am able to hear.

Perhaps most importantly, when I am mindful and realize my fallen state, that I am a sinner laden with sins and multiple weaknesses and imperfections, I am humbly grateful for the pain which He suffered and the drops of blood that He spilled for me in the Garden of Gethsemane. I marvel that he would descend from his throne divine to rescue a soul so rebellious and proud as mine.5  I am grateful that He should care for me enough to die for me.6  I am grateful to His Father who love me so much that He sent His only Begotten Son.  It helps me to be grateful when I am mindful of His love.   

    

1.Lisa Ray Turner, The Song of Gratitude, June 1993 Liahona

2.Ibid

3. My Heavenly Father Loves Me, Children’s Songbook, p.228

4.Ibid

5.I Stand All Amazed, Hymns, p.193

6.Ibid