Pumpa's Trip to the East Coast to Help Move My Grandkids

Can you imagine living in a two-bedroom, one bath, 700 square foot, 2nd floor apartment that has no parking, no yard or grass, no washer and dryer, no dishwasher?  Can you imagine living far away from family and long-time friends in Brooklyn, New York?  Can you imagine having four children, one aged 3 1/2 and three aged 1 1/2 in one bedroom, and obviously being incredibly cramped for space? 

That was the life of my daughter Emily and her husband Adam the past year and half or so, and it has been incredibly difficult.  Because of a fairly substantial, heaven-sent pay raise from Adam's current employer, they allowed themselves to dream about moving.  They found a nice home on a tree-lined, suburban street with a driveway with their own parking, with a fenced large grass side yard, in New Jersey.  It has four levels (one of them is an attic floor where they can store stuff), three bedrooms, and a washer and dryer in a finished basement (the bottom level)!  It was inevitable that they move, and this house which they are renting on a month-to-month basis, seemed like a great fit.

I volunteered to fly to New York last week to help them finish packing and to help with the actual move.  It was amazing how much stuff they had crammed into their little living space.  It was amazing how cheerful Church members showed up and helped watch the kids as others finished packing, lugged furniture, boxes and stuff down the stairs and onto the truck, and cleaned walls and floors and appliances and fixtures as stuff was taken away.  I did what I could, cheerleading as I huffed and puffed and sweated (it was SO humid!) 

We said good-bye to those good souls that helped in Brooklyn and drove our U-Haul to Rutherford, New Jersey near the Meadowlands Sports Complex (where the New York Giants play football).  There in the heat and humidity we unloaded the truck rather quickly with the help of a couple from a nearby New Jersey congregation of the Church and placed stuff in the new house.  Soon, the kids and Emily arrived and Emily promptly took off their clothes except for Elizabeth's underwear, put the triplets in swimming diapers, turned on a sprinkler, and let the kids run around in the water in their new side yard.  Emily says it warms her heart to see her children be able to run and play safely on grass that is theirs.

The next few days were emotionally intense as the temperature sweltered and the humidity became worse (it finally rained the night before I left) and kids and Mom (and Pumpa) were adjusting to the new house with boxes everywhere and not much cooling.  Having four children under age 4 in any circumstance is difficult (Lucy, one of the triplets had a fever), but the heat and the disorganization exasorbated the difficulty.  I felt quite helpless sometimes because I wasn't sure where Emily and Adam wanted to put things and because the kids want their Mama and not Pumpa when she's around, and would actually push me away and cry and/or scream for her.

Finally, yesterday, it was time to leave.  Adam took the day off to help Emily organize the house and to assist with the kids, particularly sick Lucy.  After hugs and kisses, Emily and Elizabeth took me to the Newark Airport.  I flew to Phoenix and then to Burbank where Geema awaited me.  How strangely wonderful to feel the dryness of the air, to not hear crying or screaming, to be in an uncluttered environment once again.

I'm glad that I was able to do what I did for this little family so far away.  I'm so proud of Adam and Emily and how they deal with their circumstances and how they are attempting to make a life for themselves and their little, loud family.  I know that neither Ann nor I could do what they are doing.  We want to support them in any way possible, to help them in this transitional time in their lives.  Bye-bye, Pumpa!

Trying to Understand My Thoughts and Feelings About Same-Gender Attraction

In a previous post last year, I wrote about my feelings with regard to how people in faith communities respond to people who decide to attend their churches that may not look or act (or smell) like they do.  I also talked in that same posting about those who are brave enough to attend who may be homosexual and how important I feel it is to love them unconditionally.

A recent posting was indirectly about homosexuality as well, about how misunderstood I felt as a supporter of Proposition 8 in California and how some in that community or those who actively supported that community were condemning me for being judgmental of them when they in fact were being judgmental of me.

I desire to return to the topic of homosexuality, and how I am attempting to reconcile my beliefs about the LDS Church’s doctrine with my support of the LDS Gay and Lesbian community.  I have thought much about this topic, and while I try to understand what I think about it, I wanted to write about it to challenge myself and to help crystallize those thoughts.  

I read with great sorrow some recent posts by a fellow LDS blogger, Mitch Mayne, who is an openly gay member of the LDS Church.  He transcribed some of his interviews with members of the Church who have come out but who still are still attempting to cling to their faith and belief in the Church.  They describe the utter turmoil of their situations, of how difficult it is to feel misunderstood by those to whom they have looked for leadership and ideally, for Christ-like unconditional love.  Their stories and their lives have affected me greatly.  I was able to sense their profound pain.  I invite you as well to read their stories at mitchmayne.blogspot.com.  I also would invite you to watch the stories of some gay and lesbian students at BYU who have produced a You Tube video that can be seen at the following URL: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ym0jXg-hKCI. 

Gay and Lesbian Students at BYU

I was likewise affected by a recent blog entry on the Huffington Post.  It was written by a non-LDS reporter who attended a conference in Virginia recently.  The conference was sponsored by “Circling the Wagons,” a group of members of the LDS Church who have been affected by homosexuality and who are having difficulty maintaining their faith in the Church.  I will sometimes go to the Huffington Post website to look at stories about Mormons, and imagine my surprise when upon reading the blog entry I realized that the blogger/reporter was quoting Katy Adams, the daughter of our dear friends, the Birrells, who have a gay son whom I love. 

Mitch, Katy and Friend

Even though the Church reversed its policy in 1978 allowing all members of the Church regardless of race or color or ethnicity to hold the Priesthood, I do not see the Church ever sanctioning marriage between two men or two women, just as I do not see the Church ever sanctioning women to hold the priesthood.  I understand that “ever” is a long time, but to sanction same sex marriage and women holding the priesthood seems to fly in the face of Church doctrine.  Not allowing blacks to hold the Priesthood was policy, not doctrine, to the best of my knowledge, even though some Church leaders treated it as doctrine.  When the policy changed, all discussion ended among Church leaders and all embraced it.   I just don’t see that happening with this issue.

Leaders of the Church have been clear in stating the doctrine that sexual relations outside of marriage, be they heterosexual or homosexual, are a sin, and if someone violates this law of chastity, “they are subject to the discipline of the Church, just as others [heterosexuals] are” (Gordon B. Hinckley, Ensign, Nov. 1998, 71).   In the same General Conference talk, President Hinckley stated, “To permit such would be to make light of the very serious and sacred foundation of God-sanctioned marriage and its very purpose, the rearing of families.” 

Elder Holland

The Apostle whom I love and regard as being as loving a man as I have ever known, Elder Jeffrey R. Holland, has written, “First, let’s be absolutely clear on what God wants for each of us.  He wants us to have all of the blessings of eternal life.  He wants us to become like Him. To help us do that, He has given us a plan.  This plan is based on eternal truths and is not altered according to the social trends of the day.”

“At the heart of this plan is the begetting of children, one of the crucial reasons Adam and Eve left the Garden of Eden (see 2 Nephi 2:19-25; Moses 5:10-12).  They were commanded to “be fruitful, and multiply” (Moses 2:28), and they chose to keep the commandment.  We are to follow them in marrying and providing physical bodies for Heavenly Father’s spirit children.  Obviously, a same-gender relationship is inconsistent with this plan.”

Even if in the coming years the ban against same-gender marriage is 

overturned by the courts and declared unconstitutional, I do not envision that prompting a change in such basic doctrine.

I know that this is a “wintry” doctrine for my gay and lesbian brothers and sisters within the Church.  I feel it (as much as a straight can).  However, I believe in the doctrines of the Church with all my heart (I choose not to have faith in only those doctrines I fully comprehend and understand—but to have faith in all of them) and I particularly have an abiding testimony of the Plan of Salvation as preached by the leadership of the Church.  I just don’t think that doctrine can change.

What I do believe can change and needs to change, and hopefully will change sooner than later, is a Church-wide, consistent but loving policy of how leadership handles believers who happen to experience same-gender attraction.  There are too many stories of rigid Church leaders who seem to be more interested in what they perceive as keeping the Church pure than in being loving shepherds of His sheep.  There is inconsistency in how same-gender attraction is handled because there are, to the best of my knowledge, no specific guidelines in the Church’s Handbook used by leaders worldwide.   One church leader will come down hard on a struggling gay man or lesbian woman who experiences feelings of same-gender attraction and call a disciplinary court and excommunicate them, while another will diligently try to work with the angst-filled member and extend his own personal caring and love.

I know about this type of inconsistency in leadership in dealing with those who struggle with sexual issues because of my continuing work in the Church’s Addiction Recovery Program.  I hear stories that horrify me about some rigid Church leaders who seem to be completely emotionally barren and sound like they have their own issues, and then hear other stories about men who are truly listening and seeking to lift and love the struggling persons that come to them for love, caring, and understanding.

Not so long ago, I believe that the unwritten thought within the Church and among leaders was that leadership should guide those feeling same-gender feelings to just get married to someone of the opposite gender and that the feelings would go away.  More recently, I believe the idea was to direct such people to programs which would challenge their beliefs of only being attracted to same gender individuals.  The former is foolhardy and just plain wrong, while the latter seems to me to be simplistic.

Although a leader may have negative feelings towards a gay or lesbian, he needs to make every attempt to put his negative personal feelings, his personal discomfort about homosexuality, way in the background.  What he should do is to try to emulate what Jesus Christ would do with the individual in front of him: show unconditional love.  It is his responsibility to try to understand, to feel the pain, to feel the possible confusion.  In other words, he needs to truly listen and care.  He should not have a preconceived notion to punish and keep his flock pure.  He should not withdraw either, but should try to engage this sheep of his flock as the Good Shepherd would do. 

There may be occasions where the law of chastity has been violated, and when that occurs, the leader can still show love and caring towards the individual.  In many cases, these souls have testimonies, have faith in the doctrine, and want to feel God’s love.

Mitch Mayne shared the following important points in his talk at the Circling the Wagons Conference regarding being loving to those who are not straight but who have faith and a testimony and want to worship alongside straights, 

“When it comes to LGBT members, this creates a safe space for all to walk in our doors, just as they are, without fear of persecution or retribution. It enables them to genuinely feel that they have a home here, and allows them to grow and develop as equal children of our Father.”

He then brings up another way of looking at our non-straight brothers and sisters, a concept he has discussed with me and that I wholeheartedly embrace.  He remarked, “There is very likely a test wrapped up in all of this, for there is undoubtedly a reason that some of us are gay and lesbian, while others are not. But what if the test, really, is not being given to gays and lesbians, but through gays and lesbians? What if we are actually the vehicle through which the test is being delivered? And the test, then, is not for us at all—but for you--our heterosexual brothers and sisters?”

“That would mean, then, that the test might really be this:  Will you, straight brother or sister, lend us equality? Will you view us as your peers, your equals? Will you move past your own fear and prejudice and genuinely show Christ-like love and compassion to a segment of society that, for whatever reason, appears to be the least of these in this sphere?”

“Or, will you shun us? Will you persecute us? Will you force us to choose between God and Gay, because that is what makes you comfortable? Will you compel us to choose between the faith we call home—and walking this earthly path with a companion we love?”

“Which will you choose? How will you perform on your test?”

I am committed to performing well on my test.  I am committed, to love these sons and daughters of God who as such are my spiritual brothers and sisters.  I am committed to being their advocate and a straight ally.  I am committed to lovingly educate my straight brothers and sisters and leaders, if given the opportunity, about this test.  I am committed to love my fellow man as the Savior would have me do.  If my Church is in fact the Church of Jesus Christ, and I know that it is, then we as members and leaders need to truly be “willing to take upon ourselves His name” by “always remembering Him” through our actions.  It is a continuing transition that needs to occur within the hearts of all believers.

The Final Transition - My Mother-in-Law

I was in Utah with my wife and two of my children to participate in the funeral of my mother-in-law, Helen Paxman this past Monday.  She passed on Wednesday, May 2nd, in Michigan but was flown to Utah to be buried alongside her husband and my father-in-law, Richard Paxman.  She was 87 years old, full of arthritis and pain and very much in the throes of dementia.  Ann and her siblings consider her passing a great blessing; to be released from her physical and mental suffering and to be reunited with her husband whom she has missed terribly since his passing some 15 years ago.

I realize that my belief and my family’s belief in an afterlife made this transition for Helen and for us a less foreboding one.  Our faith gives us sweet comfort.  It affords us peace in the hope that our souls, our essences, our spirits, continue to exist when our hearts stop beating.  How difficult it would be for me to not have that conviction. 

Our faith allowed us to imagine her glorious reunion with her husband dead for 15 years, with her sister Marge who died a few years ago and with her two brothers who died in their youth, with her mother and father and grandparents, and with friends and others who graced her life.  Perhaps most importantly for her, she returned to be with her spiritual father whom we believe sent her to mortality to have a mortal experience—which she had for 87 years.

Nevertheless, it was hard not to be touched by seeing my mother-in-law lying in her coffin.  It was hard to not be touched by the tears of close family and extended family.  It was hard not to be touched by the words spoken and sung during the funeral service.   It was hard not to be touched by the finality of a loved one’s mortality. 

I am very appreciative of the love shown by our friends the Lunts who put us up while we met with family.  It was great to feel the love and concern expressed by extended family and friends who made the journey to Provo for the proceedings.  It was nice to be able to connect with my family.  I feel blessed that both Ann and I could take time off, to pay for expenses to get us and two of our children to Utah and back, to have been able to drive safely to and from Utah, and to have had the health to do what we did.  We were/are truly blessed.