Twelve Relationship Myths

        1.      If we loved each other, we wouldn’t have any problems.  Relationships require self-knowledge, listening skills, problem solving skills, hard work, and the ability to relax and have fun.  With these resources, you will find your relationship much more likely to thrive.  Love alone is not enough.

     2.     If my partner really loved me, he/she would know what I want.  The more your partner gets to know you, the easier it will be to know many of your wishes.  However, sometimes we year to slip back to a very young phase of life when mother knew what our crying meant and would change our diaper, hold and cuddle us, or recognize you needed to get to bed soon.  Or we might have had an overly involved mother during our childhood and teenage years.  Since your partner has not been with you all of your life, he/she will probably need you to define the subtle nuances of the things you want.  Of course, even then you may find your partner not picking up on your expressed wish.  This can be quite disappointing and deserves to be explored in a time and space when both of you are in a relatively non-defensive place.

      3.     I have to say what I feel/You should say what you feel.  Saying much of what you feel helps partners to relate and make your relationship work.  However, sharing a negative feeling at the wrong time and/or in the wrong way may produce a very unhappy outcome.  One does not have to reveal feelings in any given moment.  Given in the wrong way can produce a lot of reactive defensiveness on your partner’s part.  In fact, such a bombshell may lead to a very unhappy, unproductive situation.  You can make a decision to hold onto the feelings until a good time for sharing, and you should make every effort to tell your partner when that will be.  Holding onto feelings until the right time can save a marriage/partnership.  However, repressing your feelings without ever exploring their negative impact on you can lead to anger and to distancing from your partner.

      4.     Getting out all of your feelings will strengthen your partnership.  Feelings need to be responded to with empathy and care.  Creative solutions need to be discovered.  Exploring all of your feelings in one sitting can be a script for disaster.  The middle of the night when you both are tired and exhausted is not the best time for creative barnstorming.  Often, problems will become less so as time goes by.  Talking about your feelings over a period of time will allow you both to recover and will allow what may be less important to fade.

             5.  If my partner would just change, our relationship would be great.  Most relationship counselors find both partners feel this way when therapy begins.  As you grow, you will learn that you can only change yourself.  You cannot change your partner’s behavior; only he/she can—if they want to.  Waiting until your partner changes simply is folly and not an effective way to improve your relationship.  Serenity comes from accepting that you cannot change your partner and exercising courage to change yourself and it is a process to know how to do that.  Looking for ways to develop your own self-understanding and your social skills can dramatically strengthen your partnership.

            6.  Unless my partner talks about his/her feelings, I will always feel like I do not know him/her.   Often, feeling-driven partners have a desperate need to hear about their partner’s feelings, and they spend wasted energy confronting the partner about how they “never share feelings.”  Many individuals—especially women—turn outward to express and to process their feelings.  Others—often men—turn inward to explore their own inner yearnings.  Some research even indicates that men are “hard wired” to be less in touch with their feelings.  Repeated confrontation around this subject leads to even more defensiveness and subsequent withdrawal.  Finding times to relax and share common visions and dreams leads to a more free-flowing exchange of thoughts and feelings. 

     7.   If she would just be more logical/rational, then at least we might get somewhere in this conversation.   Individuals are different.  You may have fallen in love with a partner who more easily accesses the part that you find most difficult.  So some men seem to “allow the spouse to do the feeling for them.”  Thinkers need to remember that to their opposites, feelings are facts and facts need to be gathered as a part of any decision making process.  Learning to listen all the way through what is being stated through active or reflective listening will provide a much more acceptable environment for your partner to the clarity of your logic.

     8.   The perfect partner could make my life complete.  The reality is that only you can make your life complete.  We may marry someone who does bring a new dimension to our lives and then believe that by “osmosis” we will absorb the trait of our partner.  But the hard work of sorting what you need in your life, identifying a way to get there, and setting things in motion remains entirely up to you.  You will make more progress by attempting to live your life to the fullest and inviting your partner to share and enjoy your life with you.

     9.    If he were just honest, I could deal with anything my partner did.  If one has been raised in a family where there was punishment for dishonesty, that person will probably wince or become angry at any discovery that their partner has been hiding something.  That person may even become an expert at pointing out ways that their partner may be in denial about their denial.  Other persons are raised in families where what mom and dad did not know kept them from being punished.  Withholding certain things in that context seemed like the smartest thing to do.  Once again the focus on “just being honest” can be a way of retreating into mutual defensiveness rather than looking at the roots of the deception and making it safe to be honest.

           10.     If we just had more sex, everything would be great.  Most couples experience a difference in sexual appetite.  For men, sometimes the demand to have sex becomes a way of resolving everything rather than looking at the deeper issues that need to be explored.  The man’s yearning to be more physical at times often misses the disconnection that the spouse may be feeling that keeps her from feeling emotionally close enough to enjoy having sex with him.  Truthfully, women crave emotional connection with their spouse and without it, she may feel pressured and feel anger if compelled or manipulated into having sex.  Sex is a delicate dance that requires great sensitivity on the part of both partners.

            11.    Never go to bed angry.  The middle of the night tends to be a poor time to be creative in problem solving or discerning the nuances of your partner’s feelings.  Some well-meaning authority figures in our lives sometimes share this admonition prior to marriage and couples feel the burden to stay up all night to work through an issue.  Either partner would do well to recognize the degree to which clarity does not seems to be emerging in a conversation.  Continuing to talk in this situation will likely lead to things being said that neither will want to remember the next day.  Couples should find relief in agreeing to a “ceasefire.”  If a partner tends to feel abandoned in such a circumstance, he/she will likely respond to setting a clear time and date for renewing the attempt to problem solve when both partners can think clearly.  This concept works during the day as well.  Giving a spouse hope for resolution of a problem through offering to revisit it at a specified time works wonders, but it is important that the appointment be kept when meaningful “win-win” solutions can be negotiated.

            12.     My partner had a physical or emotional affair because he/she is selfish and doesn’t love me anymore.  This is a very natural response to the discovery of an affair.  However, affairs happen for many reasons and mean very different things to different individuals. These differences can lie in cultural expectations, what one’s parent(s) did, or from a deep sense of loneliness.  It usually is a selfish act, but it is often a complicated act.

Often when one emerges out of the shell of an old sense of purpose, one often feels empty and does know what will make life seem exciting again.  Like a teenager, a partner does not know what might work but cannot imagine that a parent—or in this case a partner—will understand.  Again the pursuit of an affair can be a way to try to understand what one is searching for.

The reasons above do not excuse a partner from having had an affair because affairs have a devastating impact on most relationships, yet assuming that your partner no longer loves you may prove to be an erroneous perception.  There needs to be an exploration of what the partner who had the affair actually feels about the spouse, often best accommodated with the help of a therapist or clergy.  The betrayed spouse needs to observe if the partner acknowledges the tremendous breach of trust, wants to understand the pain, and is committed to sincerely rebuilding the relationship.  If such “turnabout” is sincere through actions, the relationship may well be salvageable and worth the effort it will take to rebuild it.  


Based upon a paper written by L. David Willoughby, MFT, RN, and edited by Robert Davis, MA, MFTI