Loving Detachment

It may be due to how I perceive what happens around me, but it sure seems like events occur in my life that are meant to teach me some important lesson or truth.  Something will happen, or someone from my past or present will say or do something, or I will receive some inspiration or understanding.  These occurrences will cause me to ask myself, "is there purpose in what I am experiencing?"  "What am I supposed to be learning?"  Sometimes it is a truth that I have already understood, but for some reason it is important to ask myself again in order to internalize once more.

My life seems quite full of those moments.  Perhaps it is because of being an introspective person.  Perhaps it is because of the psychotherapy work that I do each week, particularly with couples or partners in a couple/dyadic relationship, and what I experience in that setting.  Whatever their cause, I routinely have these inner dialogues about meanings.

What was very important for me to understand and internalize a few years ago was the concept of being codependent.  A codependent person has been defined as:  "a person who has let another person's behavior affect him or her, and who is obsessed with controlling that person's behavior."  It is as important to me today as it was when I first understood it, and I understand it better now because I continually scrutinize my life, and because I see codependency everywhere I look!

I learned that codependency is what I call "the mother of all addictions" because 1) it is a behavior present in nearly every addiction, and 2) it is the most wide spread addictive behavior of them all.  And while many people would say they have no addictions or addictive behaviors, given some time to review their behaviors with those around them especially with their children, I can usually spot codependent behavior.  Codependence is really an addiction, and most people are blissfully ignorant of it.

The truth of codependency was given to me through examining my life, observing what was happening around me, and seeing my own codependence, particularly with my wife, children and extended family.  I realized that I allowed myself to be negatively impacted by a loved one, who for whatever reason did not do or be what I asked them to do or be, or who for whatever reason did not return the love I had offered them in my words or deeds.  I wanted them to follow my path or to think well of me, and that they didn't do it was unbearable.

As a result of my research, my experience in the psychological health care field, and my own life experience, when I have codependent expectations (and I sometimes still do), they are almost always about me and not about the loved one.  In other words, if my teen aged child decided not to follow my path, including my morals and values, and I attempted to control their behavior, that is really about my anxiety, and not necessarily about my love for them.  If I allow their contrary behavior to affect me negatively, that is my issue, not theirs.

For example, if my wife does something that I wish she didn't do, or think she should do something differently, a better way (my way), a way that to my belief wouldn't cause so many problems, I am attaching to her in a codependent way.  If I am trying to live her life for and through her, I have made her life about me, not about her.  It is easier for me to stay unhealthily attached to her.  At least I can live in the illusion that I'm trying to help her.

To the degree that I worry, stew, react, or try to control her, I am being codependent.  I have made her behavior about me.  But in doing so, I am disrespecting both her and me.  Never mind that what I am doing keeps my emotions churning because of what she did or didn't say or do, or will do next.  Never mind that what I am doing isn't really helping her or me.  

If I am so enmeshed and attached to her, and don't realize what I am doing, I will keep on doing it because it's my default setting, and it's easy.   Self-realization is challenging and frought with fear, and usually requires change.  Ouch!

I am experienceing a better way.  It is called "loving detachment."  It is not a cold, hostile withdrawal, a resignation, a despairing acceptance or what life has dealt me.  It is not ignorant bliss or being unaffected by people and problems.  It is not cutting off relationships or a removal of love or concern.

It is lovingly, not angrily, disengaging mentally, emotionally, and sometimes even physically from unhealthy entanglements that belong to another person's life.  It is calmly detaching from their responsibilities, from problems we cannot solve.  In her landmark book titled Codependent No More, which I esteem nearly as important as religious scripture, Meloldy Beattie writes the following:

Detachment is based on the premise that each person is responsible for himself, that we can't solve problems that aren't ours to solve, and that worrying doesn't help.  We adopt a policy of keeping our hands off other people's responsibilities and tend to our own instead.  If people have created disasters for themselves, we allow them to face their own proverbial music. [Yes, parents, that means us!]  We allow people to be who they are.  We give them the freedom to be responsible and to grow.  And we give ourselves that same freedom.  We live our own lives to the best of our ability.  We strive to ascertain what it is we can change and what we cannot change.  Then we stop trying to change things we can't.

She further writes incitefully about having faith in ourselves, our Higher Power (if we have one), and other people: 

We believe in the rightness and appropriateness of each moment.  We release our burdens and cares, and give ourselves the freedom to enjoy life in spite of our unsolved problems.  We trust that all is well in spite of our conflicts.  We trust that Somebody greater than ourselves knows, has ordained, and cares about what is happening.  We understand that this Someone can do much more to solve the problem than we can.  So we try to stay out of His way and let Him do it.  (And I would say that from my personal experience, He is much better at solving problems than I am--because that is His responsibility and He does it perfectly!)

I have felt a great increase in my personal peace, my personal serenity.   I have felt more energized about my life and my ability to find real solutions to problems.  I have felt much less guilt about my life and responsibility for the lives of others.  And in some cases when I have lovingly detached, it has motivated and freed people around me to begin to solve their own problems.  I have stopped worrying about them and they have picked up the slack and have finally started taking responsibility for themselves.   I am minding my own business.

An acknowledgement as I conclude this blog posting.  Sometimes detaching lovingly is impossible, but often that has to do with our loved one.  We shouldn't think that it is impossible as we begin the process of detaching lovingly, but sometimes it is in our best mental and emotional health to just detach--and maybe it won't be pretty.   Detaching is ultimately about taking care of one's self.  And if you find you can't detach, try to relax, chill out, sit back, and take a deep breath.  Just try to make their lives about them and not about you!



  

Misconceptions about Pornography Addiction

• Pornography is not addictive.  Current medical studies on the brain document the chemicals that are produced in the brain when viewing pornography greatly impact it and can create addiction to the chemicals, and subsequently to pornography.  One study equates the effect pornography has on the brain with the use of cocaine.  Not everyone that looks at pornography is an addict, but it is risky behavior that can lead to terrible consequences.
• If you regularly look at pornography, you must be a sex addict.  Most of the people that use the term "addict" don't really understand addiction, and use it to describe someone who really likes doing some behavior or using some chemical.  If you regularly look at pornography. and cannot stop after repeatedly attempting not to, and do so at the peril of important relationships in your life, then you may be a sex addict.  But many people who look at pornography do not reach that level.  Understanding why one can't stop looking at pornography and masturbating is more productive than putting a label on one's self or another as being a sex addict.
• Pornography is merely about sex.  When a someone looks at pornography, they will almost always masturbate, but their behaviors are not really about sex.  They are about what they are feeling, or trying not to feel, as they use pornography and masturbate to self-soothe or to cope with stressors in their lives. Studies show that many if not most people who have chemical addictions such as with alcohol or drugs also have sexual addictive behaviors--because they use all of their addictions to deal with the challenges of their lives.
• Pornography helps the addict to deal with less sexual activity with their partner.  This behavior comes at a great cost.  Pornography dulls the ability to connect with a partner emotionally, and usually involves isolating. The more one engages in this behavior , the easier it is to disconnect. Partners can sense when they are being objectified and will eventually rebel. All porn addicts lie to cover up their dual lives, thus destroying the trust that their partners have in them. Pornography addiction is often referred to as an attachment disorder.
• Children can’t get addicted.  Not many people have this belief these days. The average age for first exposure to pornography used to be age 11, just ten years ago.  That age is now younger, meaning there are 7 or 8 year olds that are becoming addicted.  Children can become addicted to the "chemical banquet" that occurs in their brains and bodies, just like people who are older. Nearly all people currently wrestling with problems of sexual acting out started doing so when they were in their early teens, if not earlier.
• If a filter is placed on computers or phones, there will not be any exposure to pornography. Many people, including youth, who are computer saavy at all can often get past a filter.  Some filters are harder to figure out than others.  Some programs have accountability partners while others try to control internet searches.  But online pornography is only one of many sources of pornography.
• If someone is addicted to pornography, they will probably be a child molester.  Although there is ample child pornography on the Internet, most men do not access these sites.  And even if they go to these sites, there is no certainty that they will become child molesters.  Many child molesters were molested themselves as children.  
• Being abstinent is the same as recovery.  When someone is in their addiction, the focus of their life (and if they have a family, their family members' lives also) is on the addiction.  Recovery cannot take place while acting out.  Thus, abstinence is an absolute requirement for recovery, but it is not recovery.  Abstinence hopefully takes the focus off of the addiction, and onto the "whys" of the addiction.  When one is able to focus on these reason(s), recovery can begin.  Otherwise, it is often only a matter of time before the addict acts out; when "white knuckleing" or will power fails them.  
• If the addict keeps slipping up, they will never be able to stop their behaviors.  Most addicts will slip up, especially if they are using sheer will power.  Slips are a part of the process of becoming abstinent and being in recovery.  The truth is that for most addicts, they stop themselves from their addictive behaviors more often than they give into them. Most addicts have great will power. They lack needful support from a group of their fellow addicts who can hold them accountable. They lack a sponsor or a person who has been through the process as an addict and can be there for them in the wobbly times. They lack understanding why they engage in their addictive behaviors.  Even then, they may not be perfect.
• If a partner is addicted to pornography and masturbation, it is the other partner’s fault.  This is a manipulation the addict puts on their loved one so as to not confront the real reason(s) why they act out.  Addicted partners often use this manipulation when they perceive that they are not engaging in sexual activity as often as they need to, or when their sex life for them has become stale and unexciting.  But as previously explained, sexual addiction is not really about sex; it's about how they use sex to self-soothe.  It is their own issue.
• Shaming or embarrassing those with addictive tendencies will motivate them to stop.  Quite the opposite is true.  Shame, embarrassment and condemnation tend to cause those with such tendencies to hide them and be more secretive about them in order to avoid exposure.  People who attend relgious services can be shamed by doctrine and by eccleciastical leaders, who may ignorantly tell them to prayer more diligently or read scripture a little longer. What they need is an atmosphere of love, hope, and support, with appropriate boundaries thoughtfully and lovingly placed.
• Pornography will help a couple enhance their relationship.  This is another manipulation by the addicted partner who wrongfully believes that new, more exciting sex will make their relationship better.  Pornography is degrading to the participants, and if one of the partners is already routinely looking at pornography, chances are they will think about the person's body in the media rather than their partner when engages in sex with them.  
• If a partner has a sexual addiction, the other partner should leave (or divorce) because they will never change.  Never is a long time. People can change if they are inwardly motivated to do so. Often being discovered by their partner serves as a genuine wake up call, but an addicted partner needs to want to stop the behavior for themselves and not just to please their partner or to meet their partner's ultimatum.  Divorce is a "nuclear option" and should be used with the greatest of care, especially when children are involved.  Boundaries need to be put in place with consequences.  
• If single, getting married will solve the problem.   If one has been abstinent, being able to engage in sexual activity does not make the desire go away to look at pornography and masturbate.  There is an underlying reason for the behaviors and until they are addressed in a therapeutic setting (or if one does a genuine Fourth Step of the SA Twelve Steps), the newly married person will continue their behaviors.
• If I am active in a church congregation, God will protect me from addiction.  This is self-deceit. In most church congregations, there will be a number of people who struggle with pornography and masturbation.  They are filled with shame and often lead an exhausting double life.  Praying, studying scripture, and attending services will not automatically take away the desire to indulge in these behaviors.  
• If a partner confesses to an ecclesiastical leader, the addiction will go away.   Such thinking would be similar to going to the family doctor to talk about one's diabetes and then believing it will go away.  Besides, most ecclesiatical authorities to not understand addiction. The addiction won't go away until the addict confesses to themselves that they are powerless over their addiction and that their lives have become unmanageable. 

If you or a loved one has challenges with a possible addiction to pornography and masturbation and would like some help, please contact me personally at my email:  robertedavismft@gmail.com.

Waking Up to Who You Are Requires Letting Go of Who You Imagine Yourself to Be

 

As you might know if you follow this blog, much of the therapy work that I do involves working with clients with addictions.  Most who read my words are not compulsively watching porn, or exercising far too many hours a day, or making themselves vomit, or washing their hands 50 times a day, or narcissistically spending hours on social media sites like Facebook, or are always drinking alcohol, or shooting heroin.  That’s fair.  But many people are addicted to something or someone.  And it can even be the persons sitting next to you on your pew at church--or you.

It’s been my experience in the work I do that some people are addicted to their spouses.  They allow their partner to determine to a significant degree if they are happy or sad, carefree or depressed.   This occurs when they focus on the other’s behavior or words and lose their own internal compass.  They are so needy for validation or for emotional connection that when the partner doesn't offer what they feel they deserve or need for whatever reason, they tend to go to pieces.   They see their partners as an extension of themselves and are unwilling to acknowledge that their partners are individuals with their own upbringing, life experiences, and needs, and that maybe, just maybe, they see things differently.  They are addicted to the emotional “drug” that their partner/dealer needs to provide for them to be happy and validated.

Some parents are addicted to their children.  These can be those helicopter parents who hover over their kids, making sure that their offspring are involved in everything, attending the very best schools, and involved in numerous extra-curricular activities .  These are those parents who seem to live life vicariously through their little ones.  These are those who feel bad when they are unable to do everything they would like to do, or who just can’t sacrifice enough, for their sweet darlings.  These are the parents who are so focused on their children that they do not focus on one another, and as such, their marriage is shaky and emotional intimacy is almost non-existent.

Some people have a compulsion to be correct.  They were likely brought up in a home in which if you weren't correct you were criticized or made fun of, or they were raised by a parent who always had to be rigidly right.   Their egos are currently so fragile that they have to prove to everyone, including loved ones, that they know what is best and that they should not be challenged.   They are quick to zero in on the flaw in a loved one’s argument or a wrong word.  It doesn't matter if they make loved ones feel bad; in their addiction they've got to be right, and they’re right, damn it!

Some people have been so abused or hurt growing up that they now feel unable to be vulnerable or real, and addictively hide behind an emotional wall.  The wall has been built one brick, one event, at a time over a lifetime.  The world, and in particular relationships, are not a safe place, and they do not want to be hurt emotionally yet again.  They see the risk being too great to venture out.  And while existing behind the wall is a lonely place, it is a known place, and it’s safe there.   Why risk that comfort and security?   The wall is the addiction of these scared souls.

Some people these days are addicted to all things political.  They listen incessantly to talk radio or to pundit news broadcasts or read or watch online political websites.   Their lives seemed to be consumed by the misdeeds of politicians who can do no good or no bad.   They seem to be so focused on what is wrong that they are challenged to stop long enough to be grateful for what is right—to smell the roses.   These people seem to be focused like a laser on social reform or social justice.    They are fearful in some conscious or subconscious way of those who would think differently than they do, attacking them personally rather than on their views.   Their need to be right and for the other person to be wrong is insatiable.

Some people are addicted to religiosity.  Religiosity?  Yes, religiosity.  One can be addicted to strict religious observance.  Look no farther than the New Testament to read about the Pharisees.  They were addicted to obedience to the law.  The law, or the obedience to the law, became all-consuming for the Pharisees in Jesus’ day.  The weightier matters of loving God and loving others were subordinated by their need to be seen as obedient.   This behavior can be seen in our day by those who rigidly look to religious programs as the end and not the means to the end—of becoming loving, kind, thoughtful, caring, empathetic.    Aren't the commandments meant to help us become, or is our strict obedient or righteous behavior to them what is most important?

My purpose in writing this post was to have you look at your life and determine if there is an addiction or addictive tendencies in there somewhere.  Indeed, if I have awakened you to look at your life, and you see something there that might fit such tendencies, it would be worthwhile to let it/them go, to enable you to be all that you can be, unencumbered by these or other insidious beliefs.  Indeed, waking up to who you are requires letting go of who you imagine yourself to be!

Confessions of a Mormon Bishop

Some people who read my blog are members of the LDS Church.  Some are not. For those who don't know, I served as a lay minister, a Bishop, of a flock of some 200 young single adults in the LDS Church from March 2006 to May 2009.  It was a transformational experience for me.  Indeed, it pointed me into the profession I now have as a psychotherapist.

Bishop Bob Davis

I was given to read the blog post below because I have served as a Bishop.  It touched me profoundly because I can easily relate to this Bishop's experiences.  In fact, I have many of these thoughts now as I sit in front of people as a therapist.  

By sharing this article, it will give you a glimpse into this singular experience as well what I often think of as I sit in front of people in 2013.  It's the real deal. 

Confessions of a Mormon Bishop

by RUSS HILL on MARCH 19, 2013

I pulled into my driveway at 12:30 this morning.

I sat in the car in front of our dark house for a few minutes.  Everyone inside was asleep.  The whole neighborhood was still.  And yet my mind was racing.  So many questions.  So many emotions.  Sadness.  Hope.  Inadequacy.

Welcome to the life of a Mormon bishop.

Like pastors, priests, and clergy in other religions, those of us asked to serve as a bishop in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints spend hours behind closed doors meeting with people who allow us into the darkest corners of their lives.

They come to us for various reasons.  Because of guilt.  Because they have lost hope.  Because they have been betrayed.  Because they don’t know where else to go.  Because they feel worthless.  Because the person they are isn’t the person they want to be.  Because they have questions.  Because they have doubts.  Because they believe in a forgiving God yet feel disconnected from Him.

They come and sit in front of me.  Some hesitate.  Take a deep breath.  And grasp for courage to say out loud what they have been hiding inside for days, weeks, or years.

Others almost run in.  They spill before I sit.  They’re anxious to clear their conscience or announce their doubts.

Each one is different.

For hours every week I sit.  And listen.

I did not ask for this opportunity.  I never considered I might someday have an office in a church.  I have no professional training for this position.  I am not a scriptural scholar.  I have not walked through vineyards with robe-wearing monks.  And, if you’re wondering about vows of celibacy let me introduce you to my four kids.

All I did was answer a phone call.  Show up for a meeting.  And nod when asked if I would serve.

I don’t sometimes wonder why me.  I always wonder why me.

And yet they come.  Share their stories.  And look to me for wisdom.

I’m not sure any of them have learned from me.  But, I have learned so much in the hours I’ve sat in that office listening to them.

I have learned that we believe it is a strength to conceal weakness.

I have learned that it is easy to want others to overlook our flaws as we expect perfection in them.

I have learned that it is hardest to show compassion and grant forgiveness to those closest to us.

I have learned that while curiosity is a strength it can also be a curse.

I have learned that we are creatures of habit.

I have learned that faith is a muscle.

I have learned that it is far easier to deny deity than to deny desire.

I have learned the mystery surrounding death forces a consideration of spiritual matters.

I have learned that observance of the Sabbath recalibrates perspective and improves judgment.

I have learned that most of us bear scars from the failure, disappointment, and fear in our lives.  And, we prefer to wear long sleeves.

I have learned that to deal with life’s pain most of us choose one of the following: alcohol, drugs, pornography, or spirituality.

I have learned alcohol and drugs are the easiest path.  As long as you’re willing to never stop drinking, smoking, or swallowing.

I have learned pornography is highly addictive and has nothing to do with sexual appetites and everything to do with escape.  And that the habit is never overcome in isolation.

I have learned that we feel like a failure when we make mistakes even when we profess a belief that the purpose of this existence is to make and learn from them.

I have learned that forgiveness is the greatest gift we can offer someone.  And ourselves.

I have learned that many know about Jesus Christ but more of us could make an effort to know Him.

I have learned that the strongest among us are those with the cleanest mirrors.

I have learned that the sins of parents profoundly affect children.  And are often repeated by them.

I have learned that affection from parents profoundly affects children.

I have learned that most communication between parents and children is what psychologists call “superficial.” Strong relationships are built on the “validating” variety.

I have learned that children desperately desire parents who listen.

I have learned that churches are not museums or catwalks for perfected saints but rather labs for sinners.

I have learned that “tolerate” and “love” are two very different verbs despite what popular culture professes.

I have learned that there’s more sadness in this world than I had realized.

I have learned there is more goodness in this world than I had realized.

I have learned that to be happy is a choice.

I have learned those preoccupied with serving others have less time to count their problems.

I have learned that a habit of one brief moment of spirituality a day can alter one’s entire direction.

I have learned that we want God to grant us space to make decisions but step in to stop others, nature, mortality, or illness from hurting us or those we love.

I have learned those who have made more mistakes have a great gift.  Empathy.  Now to the matter of searching out someone who hungers for it.

Indeed, I have learned I have much to learn.

The names of those I meet with will never be known.  Confidentiality demands I never disclose their stories.

But, late last night as I sat in my car on the driveway I decided I should compile a list of what the people I meet with are teaching me.

And, I wanted to share it.