Sunday, July 28, 2013

Negative Feelings and Emotions

The following list contains positive emotions and a common opposite negative emotion:

Calmness/Anger, Carefree/Insecurity, Courage/Fearfulness, Exuberance/Depression, Safety/Anxiety, Connectedness/Loneliness, Clarity/Confusion, Love/Apathy, Joy/Sadness, Satisfaction/Dissatisfaction, Excitement/Boredom, Innocence/Guilt, Bliss/Pain

Reviewing the “opposites” list above, most of us have felt many if not all of these negative emotions at one time or another.  Feeling negative emotions is unpleasant and can be painful.  We don’t want to feel the pain, or we may tell ourselves that we shouldn’t be feeling those negative emotions. 

When we feel physical pain, we view it as a feedback mechanism that informs us that something is harming us and such a situation should be avoided or modified.  However, we respond quite differently when we feel emotional pain.  We do not think something is wrong, but rather, we think that something is wrong with us.  But we can choose to view emotional pain similarly to the way we view physical pain: as a feedback mechanism that informs us that our heart or spirit is being harmed and that something in our lives needs to be changed. 
 
For example, when you once felt anger, could it be that you have been emotionally violated in some way, and your heart or spirit has been harmed to your detriment?

When you once felt fear, could it be that you perceived danger and that something or somebody might hurt you?

When you once felt depressed and your heart or spirit was shutting down from emotional pain, could it be that you might have needed to make some changes in the way you thought or framed the event?

When you once felt guilt, could it be that a choice you may have made emotionally hurt yourself or someone else and that it was not a wise choice?

When you once felt despair, could it be that you had lost hope that tomorrow was another day and that things would likely get better?

Negative emotions can serve a purpose.   We may not want or like to feel them, but it is not a matter of whether we should or shouldn’t feel them.  Feelings aren’t facts, they’re just feelings.  What matters is what we do with them.  We can go three ways with them, and it can be tempting to default to two of them:  surrendering our will to them, or shutting them down completely.

TWO DEFAULT OPTIONS

Heather‘s three kids had been noisy and she heard constant crying.  They just appeared to run around and scream.  Her nerves were frayed.  She barely got them down for a nap and was relishing a much needed quiet time when she heard a crash down the hall.   Upon arriving in one of the kid’s rooms, she realized that her almost three year old had pulled on a cord and toppled a vase which had shattered.  What was she feeling?  Perhaps negative emotions like anger, even perhaps rage.  Does she surrender her will to the moment and scream at the child, telling him how clumsy and stupid his is?  It will make her feel good—temporarily.  Is this her “default” response?  

Mark had just found out from the doctor that the hearing loss he had experienced in one ear was not going to get better and that he would likely have to deal with it the rest of his life.  When his brother David asked him how he was handling the disturbing news, he remarked that it could have been both ears.  When David pressed him a little more as to how difficult it might be and that it was too bad that Mark would have to deal with it long term, Mark became a little upset and wondered if David was just trying to make him feel bad.  Does Mark just “put a happy face” on the situation and stuff the feelings, shutting them down as he usually does and supposedly hiding them away?

What are the consequences of these two approaches?  The first one is that you can surrender completely to your emotions, losing control to the tsunami of emotion and perhaps physically or emotionally hurt others.   Inappropriate words can be as hurtful as inappropriate actions.  Our surrendering to hurtful words, and sometimes even actions, usually leads to deep regret afterwards.  Is this a “default” setting. 

The second one is you can always shut down or stuff these negative feelings, pretending that they are not there, and be emotionally flat.  This may seem a more level-headed thing to do, except unresolved feelings do not go away.  They just remain in the dark, festering and mildly churning like bad food in one's stomach, until some provocative event occurs.  In that moment, all of the unresolved emotions come quickly to the surface and we "vomit" or explode on people, often those with whom we have strong emotional connections like family or friends.

Jose’s wife was routinely getting on him for not paying more attention to, and spending more time with, the children.  He would listen to her passively and then walk away.  He kept doing this until one day, his daughter Angela spoke to him in what he considered a disrespectful manner.  Even though she said it in a non-provocative way, he exploded emotionally, walked up to her with fists clenched, getting about six inches from her face, and started yelling at her about how disrespectful she was.  She burst into tears and ran away, afraid and hurt, even though he hadn’t touched her.  Jose immediately felt terrible.

A THIRD OPTION

The more healthy approach is to feel what you are feeling, but realizing that feelings indeed are not facts.  Such negative feelings can certainly serve that purpose and indicate to us and inform us that something is in fact wrong.  And it is not a matter of whether we should or shouldn’t feel them.  We can manage them by saying to ourselves that they are not us.  We can be in control of them.  We can think about why we are feeling a certain way and try to determine what that negative emotion is communicating to us about ourselves.

How can feelings be felt in a constructive way?  We can remove ourselves from a triggering event or situation and give ourselves a “time out,” and be alone for awhile.  We can talk to our spouse, a relative, or a friend, and vent.  Alone, we can cuss.   We can scream into a pillow or punch it a few times.  We can go for a walk and isolate ourselves for awhile and try to get perspective on what just happened.  We can write about it, and emotionally dump our feelings onto paper, and as such, out of us.  In fact, feeling the feeling and then getting it out of our system is very healthy.

Sometimes a situation arises in which there are negative feelings and emotions between two emotionally attached individuals, such as in a spousal relationship.  As we process why we are feeling a certain way or what is to be learned from the disagreement, this time of “sitting” with our negative emotions can be very instructive.  It is fine to not have everything resolved in a relationship at any particular time.  We must not think that we must try to repair the disharmony immediately.

Returning to the earlier story of Heather and the broken vase, exercising the Third Option, perhaps she could have pushed the vase behind a dresser where it would be out of the way, and then excused herself to a quiet place in the house—to cool down.  Later in the day, when the emotion had subsided, she could reflect on what changes need to be made in her life.  What could this negative experience and negative emotions teach her.  Is she getting enough support in parenting?  Is she getting enough sleep?  Is it time to change the naptime dynamic?  Or is something deeper going on?  Maybe she is treating others about as well as she subconsciously believes she should be treated.  Or is it that she feels out of control and disrespected which implies that she secretly fears that she does not deserve to be respected?  Could it be that her anger came when she felt threatened in some deep way? 

Negative feelings and emotions are a feedback mechanism that can inform us that some aspect of our lives needs to be changed.  They are the way the Universe or God helps us to get to our “whole place.”  And there is always a Third Option to get us to that “whole place” rather than surrendering ourselves to the tsunami of those feelings or stuffing them.  

Tuesday, July 23, 2013

Flowers and Rocks

As I have written previously, one activity that gives me great joy is singing. I enjoy listening to choral singing, and I love to sing.  I have also written previously about my evolving photography talent and how much enjoyment that continues to provide me.  Likewise, one of the first postings on my blog was about yet another thing that I love to do: travel--and activity that I have been doing quite a bit of this summer, and one that I will do again within the next two weeks.  I will be going to San Antonio, Texas, to witness the graduation of my son Douglas from Army Medic Training.

A part of nature that I am beginning to enjoy more is flowers. Specifically, besides the pleasure I get from noticing them or stopping to smell them, I recently took an "ikebana" class.  Ikebana is japanese flower arranging, and having been exposed to it while living in Japan so many years ago, I am interested in learning more about it.  Like any other art form, it can be enjoyed on a simple level, but it can be very complex.  I would like to enjoy doing it without initially getting into its complexities and plan on taking more classes; I simply don't have the flexibility to dedicate great amounts of time to it.
Besides arranging flowers, last summer I purchased a plumeria bush/tree and planted it earlier this year.  Ever since I discovered this exquisite looking flower with an even more exquisite scent, I cannot get enough. This flower is often used in Hawaiian leis.  Each day as I make my way from the garage to the doorway of my home, I pass by this beauty and make the time to enjoy its splendor and smell its delicious scent.  I am deciding where I can plant other plumeria.

I love landscapes and really take pleasure in photographing them.  But I have always been fascinated on a micro level by rocks that are part of that landscape.  Often when I am hinking, I will look for rocks that are unusual, and at the risk of sounding a little weird, rocks that "speak" to me--that I feel I want to take with me.  I have amassed a little collection of them that I keep in the back yard and which I visit routinely to connect with them.  

I believe that God's creations have some essence or spirit to them, and extension of His love.  I believe that He organized or created this beautiful world that I inhabit, and I glory in them.  Flowers and rocks are part His love.

Friday, July 19, 2013

East Coast Swing - Summer 2013

One of the reasons why my wife and I spent two weeks on the East Coast was to spend time with our daughter, son-in-law, and four grandbabies in New Jersey.  Another reason was to help with the Open House of the wedding of one of our nephews, Philip Johnson, in Maryland. Interestingly, the girl that he married was from New Jersey, and although they were married in the D.C. area, the reception was near her family home in New Jersey.

We landed in Baltimore and spent 36 hours or so there with my sister-in-law and her family, then drove to New Jersey to spend five days with our daughter's family, and drove back to Maryland and spent 3 1/2 days there.  We then went with the Maryland family north to New Jersey, then took a train farther north in New Jersey to our daughter's home once again, then departed 48 hours later from Newark.

The experience was at times fun, at times intense, at times spiritual, at times joyful, but always muggy warm or hot.  Even so, I wanted to share some of the sights of this trip.  The pictures are arranged chronologically, as we went from place to place.  The previous blog posting would have occurred after we left Central Park and went south on Manhattan.  


As I told many who asked how the experience was, it was memorable but not restful.  And that's okay because that was my expectation.  Hope you enjoy the pictures!
The Beautiful Jefferson Memorial in DC
Thomas Jefferson - I felt almost a "temple" feeling here
Standing in the work line at the FDR Memorial
The Martin Luther King Memorial - an important man
The new Vietnam Nurses Memorial - very emotional for me
One of the statues at the Metropolitan Museum in New York
The hidden Alice in Wonderland sculpture in New York's Central Park
The remote control sailboats in Central Park
Typical New York City street (I believe it was north on 5th Avenue), and Philip's Wedding in DC below

Back in New Jersey, three homes near where Emily and Adam live - abuts to a lovely "firefly" park
Eddie Spaghetti being silly
Lucy Goosey being silly
Charley Barley being silly
I have to admit, Charley looks like "Mini-Me"
Elizabeth, with swimming goggles, posing, as she is wont to do
Pumpa roaring like a lion, similar to a picture on my desk taken almost three years ago at the LA Zoo.