The Drama Triangle - Part 1

Do you remember how dramatic you used to behave as a child when your caregiver told you it was time to go to bed?  Or when it was time to stop playing?  Or to clean your room?  The world was about to end!  

These dramas were in reaction to being flooded with emotion.  They were an emotional response to what others were thinking, saying, or doing because we weren't able to use logic to think through a situation.  They were an attempt to manipulate our caregiver's behavior.  

On a darker lever, we sometimes learned as children that the only way to get our needs met and to feel some sense of control in our young lives was to use drama to manipulate.  Our caregivers sometimes manipulated us, being flooded themselves with emotion, to meet their own needs.  Such caregivers lacked healthy boundaries for themselves, and would often disrespect the boundaries of others, including their children.

Such people ruled by their emotions and lacking healthy boundaries are by their natures very dramatic.  The same can be said for those who suffer from addictive behaviors.  Such emotion-focuesed people can often be called "drama queens."  They seem to thrive on generating or perpetuating drama.  Such people seek to create a drama "vortex" that can swallow those around them.

Years ago, Stephen B. Karpman published a work in which he introduced the concept of "The Drama Triangle."  He sought to identify roles played in emotional dramas, and narrowed the roles down to three:  Victim, Persecutor, Rescuer.

In The Drama Triangle,  there is "all-or-nothing" thinking and "all-or-nothing" language.  Phrases such as "you never" or "you always" or "my whole life" or "our entire marriage" are used by someone in The Drama Triangle, and are a pretty good indicator that one has indeed allowed their emotions to flood them and have assumed one or more Triangle roles.  Their intent is to pull others into the drama and seek control.

Regretfully, such "drama queens" have never learned more appropriate ways to get their needs met.  Sometimes they may not even know that they have assumed a role in the Triangle, and are not conscious that they intend to manipulate and control.  The interactions in the Triangle can be intense, including yelling and fighting, but can also be subtle and part of passive-aggressive behaviors.

To help identify the three roles of The Drama Triangle, let's look at each one.  Most often, as people read characteristics of the roles, they will see themselves as displaying behaviors in more than one role.  They may see themselves involved in all three at varying times.  Through identification of the elements of the Triangle, the hope is that a person can see themselves and others in the drama and begin the process of getting themselves out.

Victims

They usually believe that they need someone to think for them, to take care of them, and to solve problems for them.  Victims often act powerless and incapable, denying their own abilities.  They usually feel, or pretend to feel, defective and "worth-less."  They often feel picked on and that they aren't good enough.  Victims need a persecutor or a rescuer.

Rather than facing their lack of personal boundaries, they defer their responsibility to either a rescuer or persecutor.  By avoiding accountability for their actions, the victim ironically is able to feel more in control.  Victims can often use their role in the Triangle to manipulate and gain power over others, thus assuming a persecutor role.

Please note that the use of the term "victim" refers to a "state of mind" and not a person who has indeed been violated or abused in some way.  Somcone people feel legitimately victimized when in fact they have fallen into the Triangle.  This is particularly true if the victim stays stuck in their victimization and uses it to manipulate,  control, or to gain sympathy.  Victims need rescuers and persecutors, else why would they be victims?

Here are some sentences that describe some feelings and experiences of victims:

"I rely on people to make decisions for me."
"I hold in my anger until I feel ready to explode."
"When people try to help me, I think of reasons why it won't work."
"I have a tendency to blame others."
"I often feel unable or unwilling to handle difficulties."
"I'm not worthy of having good relationships."
"I act the role of martyr to get what I want."
"I find it difficult to speak up and assert myself."
"I often whine and complain about the way things are."
"I often feel in trouble."
"I feel like I can never please my partner."
"I feel my partner just doesn't understand me.

Rescuers

Often identifying themselves as helpers, fixers, and caretakers, rescuers are proud of what they are doing and believe in the rightness and goodness of what they're doing.  They do for victims what victims should do for themselves, enabling them to continue in their unhealthy behaviors.  Rescuers would like to believe that the victim will not make it without them, and as such justify themselves in staying in the "saving" role.

The truth is that Rescuers fear of being abandoned and attempt to make themselves indispensable to the victim.  They position themselves in a vertical, "one-up" position, which in reality is saying that the rescuer is stronger than, better than, smarter than, or more together than the victim, and a place of insecurity for the Rescuer.  

They project their own fears and insecurities onto the victim to avoid facing them.  It is a way to keep a sense of control.  They can also give themselves a sense of power over the victim by trying to make themselves very helpful--and even saintly.  This takes the focus from others off of them and their behaviors.  But they need a victim to rescue.


Here are some sentences that describe some feelings and experiences of rescuers: 

"I feel compelled to help others with their problems."
"I feel guilty if I don't take care of everyone's problems."
"I like to have people depend on me."
"I get offended if people don't appreciate how much I've done for them."
"I do for others what they can do for themselves."
"I'm in an unhealthy relationship with someone who has an addiction."
"I focus on others to avoid focusing on myself."
"I take on the burdens and responsibilities of others."
"I put everyone's needs before my own."
"I feel like my needs are not as important as others' needs."
"I feel unappreciated when I give and give and receive little in return."
"I feel superior to most of my friends and family."

Persecutors

Similar to rescuers who need someone to fix, the persecutor looks for someone to blame.  They deny that they have needs and deny that they have weaknesses.  Like rescuers, they shirk personal responsibility but instead focus on the weaknesses and/or problems of a victim.  Even though they likely have uncomfortable feelings in their own lives, they project their offensive, sarcastic, or even blunt remarks onto others.  They often spend time around people whom they feel justified in criticizing.

This dynamic gives the persecutor a sense of superiority and power, and are quite able at covering up their own behavior by preaching, lecturing, criticizing, or ridiculing the victim.  They can sometimes cover up their issues by being critical of them in others.

They are often known for bad moods, bad tempers, sarcasm, demeaning others, and being defensive.  Because they can be intimidating, they exercise control over others who would not dare confront them about their persecuting behavior.  But they need a victim to persecute.


Here are some sentences that describe some feelings and experiences of persecutors: 

"I often blame others for my problems."
"I lecture friends and family about their deficiencies."
"I verbally attack others."
"I tend to interrogate my spouse and children."
"I demand the respect of those around me."
"I often demonstrate passive-aggressive behavior."
"I often act like I don't care."
"I frequently make sarcastic remarks."
"I shame others for their mistakes."
"I like to feel a sense of power over others."
"I am very critical of those around me."
"I coach or manipulate my spouse, children, or co-workers to do things my way." 

Sadly, and somewhat ironically, some people enjoy drama.  Some people need drama for their disempowered. needy, selfish reasons of wanting and needing to feel important and needed.  At its core, taking up residence in The Drama Triangle is behaving in an immature way.  

People who live in the Triangle subconsciously tend to attract people into their lives who help them perpetuate the drama.  It makes them easier to stay within the role they've established for themselves.  It also makes it more difficult to move out of it.  Because if they try to get out of the drama, other people in it will often act out their own roles with increasing intensity in an attempt to pull the person back into the Triangle.

Once a person realizes what The Drama Triangle is and the role(s) that they sometimes assume in it, and begin the journey to extract themselves from it, they begin to feel empowered.  They begin to realize that they don't want or need it.  Introspectively, they see themselves and others assuming roles in it, and even begin to notice the drama in every day lives.  Recognizing it in ourselves and others is the important first step.