Some of My Take-aways from the Affirmation Conference

Randall Thacker, John Gustav-Wrathall, Todd Richardson

While attending the Affirmation Conference this past weekend, upon hearing something that was meaningful to me, I would write the thought on my Notepad in my I-Phone.  What I want to do is to share some of those ideas, and riff on them a bit.  This is part of my processing of what was a transformative experience for me.

"Take one day at a time to deal with the ambiguity"

While the LDS LGBT community would ideally like for Church policy to change through modern revelation to general Church leadership, Randall Thacker, current president of Affirmation, warned the Community that they will be greatly disappointed if they expect such a momentous change to occur.  Affirmation is not about lobbying for such a landmark shift; rather, it seeks to facilitate and support the community in their efforts to live and even thrive in the uncertainty.

When speaking to uninformed LDS members about Affirmation, some grasp the ambiguity.  How does someone who has not chosen to have same-gender attraction but has felt it as long as they can remember, reconcile these feelings that can't be prayed, read or fasted away with Church doctrine which seems to speak only to a heterosexual heaven, and whose leadership and members are often unloving and even hostile to them?

Those who attended the conference were challenged to accept the need to tolerate unanswerable questions.

"We don't have revelation as a Church as to what God thinks about His homosexual children"

This is a paraphrase of what someone in Affirmation leadership was told by a General Authority. It is true and it rings true.  If there were such revelation, then it would be preached over the pulpit, included in the General Handbook of Instructions, and stake presidents and bishops would hopefully be more consistent in their treatment of their LGBT members who still want to be connected to the Church.  Presently, lacking specific revelation, local leaders are left to their own opinions and their own biases--how they interpret the revelatory ambiguity.

What the Church does know has been placed by it on their website: mormonsandgays.org.  This is a website that the LGBT community was pleased to see because it gave them hope that their ambiguity was being recognized by general Church leadership, and it gave voice to one of the community's greatest aspirations: that Christians and particularly LDS people should show love to all God's children, as Christ would show it.

"The Kubler-Ross stages of grief can help assist in giving clarity to members of the LDS LGBT community"

I have previously blogged about this helpful teaching and would refer the reader to it for increased insight.  I had not considered its relevance and application to the LDS LGBT community until I attended a discussion group about the Stages of Grief during the Conference.  The stages are:

-- Denial  Most in the Community have wrestled with themselves and with God that they or their loved ones were indeed LGBT.
-- Anger  There is often much anger pointed outward toward family, friends and insensitive Church members.  But often there is also anger pointed inward.  "Why was I born this way?  Why doesn't God take away these feelings?
--  Bargaining  Many LDS LGBT people have tried to make a deal with God.  "If I serve a mission, will you please take away these feelings?"  "If I pray more, read scriptures longer, fast more frequently, attend the temple more regularly, will you then please give me peace of mind?"
--  Depression  Nearly all in this Community have dealt with depression.  It manifests in so many ways.  Much of the depression comes from wrestling with their paradox of wanting to be accepted by God and by His Church, but realizing that their homosexuality or feelings about their gender are undeniable.
--  Acceptance  The path that this Community walks hopefully leads to a peace and self-acceptance of their own or their loved one's homosexuality and their gender.  This path also demands acceptance of the inherent aforementioned ambiguity of their lives. 

"Our challenge is to bring the body and spirit together"

I interpreted this to mean that for the LDS LGBT person, it is necessary to neither ignore their sexuality nor their need for connection with God.  As in the LDS doctrine of resurrection in which the glorified body is brought together with the glorified spirit to form a single unit of great joy and contentment, so should the Community seek to bring their physical natures together with their spiritual natures into one. Neither nature can or should be neglected.  Successfully integrated in mortality, the LDS LGBT person can experience joy and contentment now.

"Labels can be good and bad"

If I think of myself as sensitive and caring, I am labeling myself.  Likely, if I do it consistently, I will come to fulfill that expectation.  In other words, it becomes a self-fulfilling prophesy.  But if I think of myself as a slacker or an addict, I will likely become or continue to be that person.

This experience of labeling happens routinely in our interactions with others, especially those who are seen as different from us.  People label others in a conscious or subconscious attempt to distance themselves so they do not have to interact with them or find out more about them.  And for the non-LGBT member of the Church, it is important that we do not fall into this trap with regard to those among us who are LGBT.  Those who take the time to get to know the LGBT individual and experience, will come away with increased empathy and hopefully will be enlarged in their capacity to love.

Darius Gray, Friday's Exceptional Featured Speaker

"Everyone is: A Child of God, Loved of God, and Part of God's Plan

All LDS members need to embrace this doctrine, for their own self-love and for their interactions with those who are different from them.  While many realize that they are indeed a child of God (what a wonderfully spiritual experience to hear us sing I Am a Child of God as one of our worship songs this past weekend!). I learned again that many in the LDS LGBT community wrestle to really believe that they are loved of God.  Many also wrestle with the concept that their homosexuality and gender are part of God's plan.

I found the words of the 2nd Verse of I Am a Child of God to be particularly poignant as I sang them with my LGBT brothers and sisters:

I am a Child of God, and so my needs are great.  Help me to understand His words before it grows too late.

Another talk dealt with the idea that we are all seeds, that God has planted us, that within a seed is the promise of becoming what eventually the seed will become, but that God is fine with us being a seed.  God lovingly sees the seed as perfect, and that we, as seeds, are perfect at every stage of becoming what we will eventually become in God's garden.  Our grwoth is part of God's Plan.

"Life is to be enjoyed, not just to be endured"

Because of living in the ambiguity, and because living inside and outside of the closet is challenging for the LDS LGBT person, it is a challenge to not simply get through the day or to get through life, but to really find and feel joy.  The last phrase in the scripture found in 2 Nephi 2:25 in The Book of Mormon comes to mind: "...men are that they might have joy."

It takes mindful effort to live life in the moment and to enjoy the journey.  It takes effort to rid ourselves of damaging, illogical thoughts and begin the process of challenging them and replacing them with uplifting, affirming, logical thoughts which can then positively influence our feelings and behaviors.

"It is called the Plan of Salvation, not the Plan of Damnation"

LDS believers embrace what is called the Plan of Salvation.  What sometimes occurs is that they choose to put more emphasis on the Plan part and less on the Salvation part.  Adherents of the LDS faith get caught up in what they see as the beauty and logic of the Plan, but give short shrift to the concept that the Plan is to save all of God's children.  God's work is "to bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of man," and may I say parenthetically, ALL MEN, ALL HUMANITY.

His purpose is not to damn us, or stop our progression, but to faciliate that progression.  His business is not to damn us but to save us.  That should be cause for us who believe to really believe what He has said.  The LDS LGBT Community that surrounded me this past weekend was filled with light and with belief in God's assurances.  They are worthy, as am I, of His saving grace and his unconditional, salvational love.

"Life lessons to be learned are best realized in a marriage setting"

This understanding has changed my mind regarding my view on same-sex marriage.  It has not come easily.  It is a process and it is still evolving.  But I have chosen to embrace it even though my Church, through its backing of Proposition 8 and the continuing rhetoric of some General Authorities, preaches otherwise.  My evolution on this subject has been the source of great consternation and distress to my extended family who have not been shy in voicing their opinions to me.

But if, in fact, life lessons are best realized in a marriage setting, and if life is really to help us to become the best we can be, to learn about ourselves, to learn to love unconditionally, how can that be done by someone who has no option but to remain celibate?  That is not to say the single people cannot learn those important lessons, but an LGBT does not have the choice to be married with the Church's blessing.  And becoming involved in a mixed orientation marriage is not the answer, as it once was preached by the Church.   For the record, I learned that current statistics show that 85% of marriages to someone of the opposite gender of LGBT people who have served LDS missions ends in divorce.  The statistic is 95% if neither has served an mission.

So does God love LGBT individuals less?  Are they supposed to sojourn in life as flawed, damaged individuals?  It is easy for someone who is a privileged heterosexual and has the opportunity for marriage to think that an LGBT just needs to go through life without the profound love found in a marriage covenant.  Isn't it called The Plan of Salvation and not The Plan of Damnation, and doesn't the doctrine apply to everyone?

One person spoke of sacred personal revelation he had received from God regarding his query about persuing a same-gender relationship.  He remarked that God revealed to him "I want you to have happiness in this life and in the next.  (My emphasis)  Isn't that really what God wants for all of us, or is it just hyperbole?

"Stay at the table"

This phrase was uttered a few times in a discussion about LGBT people and their interactions with family and friends who cannot embrace their sexuality.  It is a challenge for an LGBT person to not step away from "the table" in their interactions with loved ones out of frustration that their decisions are not supported by loved ones, out of feeling rejected by them.  It is also a challenge for certain of their loved ones to step away who simply cannot open their hearts and minds to the reality that their son, daughter, father or mother is same-gender attracted and do not give heed to their calls to repentance. 

The LGBT attendees were encouraged during the Conference to stay at "the table", to continue the process of reconciliation, however painful that process is.  Testimony was offered as to the benefits of perservering and loving, especially when it hurts.  They realize that their loved one may never be reconciled to their sexuality, but then it is incumbent upon them to love them as the Savior loved those around him even when they did not agree with him or injured or crucified Him.

"Embracing the 'And'"

Julie de Acevedo spoke and performed on the last day of the Conference.  In her psychotherapy office, she has placed a large representation that shows a large ampersand, an "&."  She put it there to encourage people to think about themselves being more than just one aspect of their lives.  In other words, a person may identify themselves as LGBT, but then, what else are they, or what else can they be?  People are so much more than just one aspect of their lives, and that we need to embrace that truth.  I found the idea incredibly liberating, and I hope that my LGBT brothers and sisters did as well!

"Love unfeigned"

The keynote speaker on the last day of the Conference is a BYU professor in the Department of Microbiology and Molecular Biology and is a former member of a stake presidency and a former mission president.  He delivered a lecture at BYU in 2010 that cause quite a stir there and at Church Headquarters called "The Evidence for a Biological Origin for Homosexuality,"  It likely was that presentation that led to the Church hierarchy to soften its stance on the idea that homosexuality was a choice.  Since then, he has been involved with researchers at Utah State University collecting data on the attitudes of present and former LDS LGBT persons. 

Among many important concepts, he spoke of the idea of "love unfeigned" taken from an LDS scripture.  He talked of the importance of truly loving ourselves and others, a love born of true caring and concern. He spoke of the hypocrisy and falseness of those who say that they "hate the sin but love the sinner," and how such people rarely truly love the sinner as Christ would; that this was "feigned love." 

For me, perhaps the most poignant moment of the entire weekend, and which to me was a powerful example of "love unfeigned," was something I didn't hear, but I observed.  It was at the conclusion of the "testimony" meeting held on Saturday, a meeting in which a few LGBT persons spoke of the ambiguity of their paths but also of their fondest desires to be associated with the Church and of their desire to follow God.  It was during the final congregational song of the meeting, "The Spirit of God Like a Fire Is Burning."

I noticed that a few rows ahead of me, the Senior Vice President of Affirmation, John Gustav-Wrathall, had both arms encircling the shoulders of the men on either side of him (one being the head of Affirmation from Mexico), and he was enthusiastically singing the song that has special meaning for members of the Church. That in and of itself was not so exceptional, but what was is the fact of his spirited singing of the special song of the Church that had excommunicated him, that had abandoned him, that had dismissed him, but to which he desperately longs to stay attached.  It is the Church he loves and which is part of who he is as a son of God. He has love unfeigned for the Church, for those around him, and for himself, embracing his LGBT life and experiencing love as an LGBT son of God.

Brushing Me with Broad Strokes

Coming to an LDS Temple/Building Near You?

When the State of California was embroiled in the voter battle over passage of Proposition 8 that sought to formally define marriage as between a man and a woman, I found myself being called on/expected as an ecclesiastical leader of a young single adult congregation in the LDS Church to get congregants engaged in getting out the vote and to work on getting a majority of Californians to vote in favor of the Proposition.  It occasioned me to look at it from both theological and humanitarian positions.  After considering who was asking me to do this, and considering consequences, I made the decision to support its passage and I got my young congregants involved.

I was attending school at the time, getting my Master’s Degree in Psychology, and my support was emblazoned on a bumper sticker on my wife’s car. It caused a brouhaha among my classmates who did not know whose car it was.  Many of my classmates were wondering how anybody could possibly support Proposition 8, especially in light of the “open mindedness” that we were learning was essential to become a good therapist.  I listened with interest as different classmates joined in the disparaging conversation, careful not to say that the car with “that” bumper sticker belonged to me.

Really? 

Still embroiled in the push-pull that was Prop 8, the withering onslaught of negativity and reproachful commentary continued online at a discussion website set up to allow students to communicate with one another (this was before Facebook became the medium to facilitate such communication).  I read with increasing indignity as the commentaries poured in one evening.  I got to a point where I could no longer just read the vitriol. 

It seemed to be the height of hypocrisy to read comments from my peers accusing people who supported Prop 8 as being unloving, uncaring, bigoted, etc..  They were usually the least judgmental people I knew and were being trained to be non-judgmental and open minded as psychotherapists.  And while I couldn’t comment specifically as to the character of each of my fellow supporters (I found nearly all to be loving and caring people), I knew who I was.  I knew that I was open minded, that I was caring and loving and non-judgmental (and was going into a profession where those character traits would serve me well), and felt that I was being wrongfully accused.

The Bumper Sticker

I decided to write a post declaring that it was my car that had the bumper sticker on it and that those that knew me well KNEW that I was non-judgmental, caring and loving.  Furthermore, without calling them out for saying/writing what they had, I merely told them that their words had hurt and that not everyone who supported Prop 8 was how they were portraying them.  In my response, I told them that I see people as people—and because of my religious paradigm, as God’s children and equal to me, not choosing to focus on their sexual orientation, gender, race or ethnicity, and that what I had been taught at our school further reinforced that construct for me.

For the record, not longer after I posted my response, I received a thoughtful response honoring me for my beliefs from my faculty advisor and sometime professor, David, who is gay, whom I had come to appreciate and highly regard and who had been very helpful to me in dealing with my struggles as a 50-something student.  I also received a very thoughtful response from my department chair, Deborah, a lesbian, whose partner ironically was raised as a Latter-day Saint.  In a caring way, she likewise honored my beliefs and informed me that because of what I had experienced at the hands of my peers, I could have greater empathy and compassion for those in her LBGT community who had and continue to experience the labels and broad strokes that I had experienced.  That empathy and compassion has helped me as I have taken the opportunity to have therapeutic relationships with that community and with a beloved transgender individual in particular.

An Active Mormon as President?

Fast forwarding to March 2012, I find myself in a somewhat similar circumstance with my conservative views.  In the current sociopolitical landscape, they and my religion are under attack from those who view themselves as being caring, open minded, and unbigoted.  If Mitt Romney becomes the Republican nominee for President of the United States (and it is becoming nearly impossible for that not to happen), I fear that in the coming months my religion and my religious views will be made light of, ridiculed, and besmirched.  If Romney were a Jew or a Muslim, the media would condemn the perpetrator.  But since he is LDS, and since my Church chooses to ignore and not respond to such attacks, those attacks will be fair game.  I would not be surprised to see “anti-Mormon” demonstrations similar to those that took place outside of the LDS Temple grounds in Los Angeles during the Prop 8 debate.

Night View of Los Angeles LDS Temple

Because of these fears and because I have already heard comments made by thoughtless people, I am publicly taking a stand.  Some people are finding or will find teachings, doctrines, and quotes from past and present leaders of the Church, or other material, that they believe entitles them to mock my beliefs, or Romney’s beliefs.  Some will portray him (and by association, me) as being a member of a cult, a member of an organization that represses women in a variety of ways, and a denomination so bigoted that they did not allow black members to hold God’s priesthood until forced to in 1978. 

 Tons of Donated Clothing for a Needy World

Does a cult allow its believers to freely interact with others in society, serve in the military, celebrate all national and religious holidays, and allow its believers to have differing political viewpoints?  Does a cult allow its believers to donate hundreds of thousands of work hours, hundreds of tons of used clothing, and millions of dollars each year to humanitarian projects that are intended for non-believers?  Does a cult allow non-believers to access their genealogical records so that they can do genealogical research to find their ancestors?  Does a cult build and run schools and universities that allow non-believers to attend?  If one is open minded at all and would look past the doctrines and beliefs and focus on the fruits of my religion, that person would have to admit that my Church is not a cult.  Cults don’t bear such fruit.

Relief Society Donating Food in DR Congo

Because members of my Church funded much of the battle to pass Prop 8 and fought against the passage of the ERA Amendment in the 70s, it will be portrayed as quaint, or even worse, as disenfranchising women and treating them as second class citizens within the Church.  What will likely not be portrayed is how the Church sponsors the largest organization for women in the world: the Relief Society, with a membership of over 4 million women in over 100 countries, which I know from personal experience and knowledge seeks to empower and teach women to be all that they can be and which gives them a voice.  There will be few if any words of praise about how women are honored and given respect over the pulpits of the Church, both on local and general Church levels.  You will not likely hear how in the most sacred and important of all rituals and ordinances of the Church performed in that LDS Temple in Los Angeles and in nearly 140 others around the world, women participate equally with men. 

Darius Gray with Merrill Bateman

In the finger pointing that will surely take place about how bigoted my Church is, you will likely not hear the historical context of how the Gentiles were forbidden from hearing Christ’s teachings while He was on the earth, and that it was only after Christ had been crucified and Peter had received a revelation from God that he decided that the Gentiles could finally be taught the Word.  Nor will you likely hear about how the Levite tribe was the ONLY tribe of the Tribes of Israel that could officiate in the rituals of the Priesthood in the Old Testament which along with the New Testament is in our Canon.  Those who ridicule will likely not tell you that certain black members were given the Priesthood in the early days of the Church, nor will they relate statistics of how the Church is growing faster on the African continent than on any other, and that most Blacks who have joined the Church and participate fully in the Priesthood have come to understand that it was God’s will and not formal Church doctrine that denied their race that blessing for a time.  

Black LDS Family

As it has in the past, the Church has maintained its political neutrality and continues to do so, evidenced by a memo from the top leadership of the Church affirming that fact that was recently read over the pulpits of all church congregations in the United States.  How else can you explain the Church “umbrella” under which Republican Mitt Romney and Democrat Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid share its protection?  Members of my Church may lean right in their personal politics and point their judging, labeling fingers at those who do not believe as they do–and I deplore them for doing so exclusively in our auxiliary meetings--but the policy of the Church is of neutrality.

To conclude, if those who may denigrate my beliefs, the doctrines I espouse, and my Church, I would ask you to get to know some members of my faith, to look at the fruits of this religion and belief system, to honor and respect its members who do not share all of the beliefs of the greater Christian world regarding Jesus Christ and the Godhead, to look past the sound bites and really learn about us. 

LDS Members Donating Disaster Clean Up Service 

If I choose to label an individual or group, I take an “I-am-better-than-you” view of them; there is negative pride inside of me.  Labeling gives me permission to distance myself physically and emotionally from that person or group.  It allows me to disengage myself from them.   I don’t have to deal with them because I suppose I know all about them and who they are and what they represent.  It’s emotionally easier than dealing with them.

I'm Trying to Be Like Him

I don’t want people to label me and paint me with unknowing broad strokes.  I am trying to follow the loving and caring example of my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, and my religion and its doctrines and teachings have nurtured those attributes in me.  Engage me.