Believing in the Process

               

                It has been my experience that change is usually not a one-time event.  Whether it is international, national, organizational, familial or personal, change inevitably occurs over time.  It must be so because one-time events rarely have the powerful effect necessary to produce a course change.

                There are exceptions to my postulate.  When the Japanese bombed Pearl Harbor, the US changed its behavior immediately and declared war because the politicians realized that action needed to be taken quickly.  In the Bible, Paul was visited on the road to Damascus, and that heavenly apparition changed the course of his life from that moment on.  But frankly, such incidents are few and far between.  History is replete with examples of change that occurred over time—sometimes long periods of time.

                Leaving the subject of changes on a macro scale to others with more time and knowledge, I am focusing my thoughts on a micro scale, on changes that occur within individuals, or small groups of individuals, like partners/spouses or families.

                Many persons are content with their lives.  They like where they are physically, emotionally, spiritually, socially, educationally, religiously.  And even though there may be aspects of their lives they wish would change, those desires are really just that--wishes, and not really a deep internal need or feeling to change themselves or their environment.  Change can be challenging, it can be scary, it can be difficult, if for no other reason than that change requires time.  For wishful thinkers, that is too much of a personal investment.

                 Most of the time, people who come to me for psychotherapy are not satisfied with their current situation(s) and, ostensibly, want to change.  Some of the people like me that attend Sunday worship services or recovery meetings are looking to change who they are, although attending such meetings does not mean that someone is honestly looking to effect a change in their lives.  On a personal level, some of my family and friends and I are undertaking the process of attempting to change ourselves, in profound ways.  Thus, much in my life is involved in this process of changing, and so I give it significant thought.

                I have learned that in order for I or someone else to engage in the change process, we have to feel genuine discontentment in what we are, have or do, that whatever challenges that lie ahead are worth the discomfort.  To this end, with certain clients I will occasionally use a couplet I once heard regarding breaking free from addiction.  The couplet reads:

"When the pain of addiction is greater than the pain of recovery, a person will seek for and work on recovery.  But if the pain of recovery is greater than the pain of addiction, a person will stay in their addiction.”

In other words, I have to really dislike who or where I am currently to put myself through the difficult and usually protracted process of change.  And if that change is too daunting, I will continue to live with my current problem(s).  Obviously, this truth pertains to more than just moving past an addiction.

                Also, in order to continue in the process of change, a person needs to believe in the rightness of the journey they are on.  And if that involves a person or persons that are sharing or mentoring that process, they have to believe in them.  This is no easy thing to do for many people, because they may not be sure of the helpful person or their motives, or they have made themselves vulnerable in the past and have been hurt by that person or other persons.  In spiritual matters, a person needs to ultimately believe that God is willing and able to help them in the difficult change process and will not leave them alone.

                The process of change involves being open to people, to possibilities, to direction, to direction changes.  It usually involves reminding ourselves on a regular basis why we are putting ourselves through this.  It usually involves receiving positive feedback from people whom we have allowed to be acquainted with our journey, and to dig deep and give ourselves positive feedback. It involves keeping the goal in mind with our eyes single-mindedly focused on the prize.   It involves humbly admitting when we lose sight of the prize and lose our way, reviewing what happened, learning from it, and then commencing the journey again with new vigor and hope.  (Admittedly, the latter is particularly hard to do alone!)

                It involves being real with ourselves and not allowing ourselves to be caught in the trap articulated in the recent Lego Movie that “everything is awesome!”  It involves realizing the challenging nature of our journey but not being too harsh on ourselves. It involves recognizing and accepting the weariness that we sometimes might feel in our difficult process, and taking care of ourselves by being good to ourselves along the way.  It involves attempting to keep a sense of scope and a sense of humor for our journey.  If we are spiritually minded, it involves “letting go and letting God.”

                I know of what I speak, both clinically and first hand.  I personally am in transition, and it has not been easy.  Currently, I am embarking on preparing to take the test to finally become licensed as a Marriage and Family Therapist, and the thought is indeed daunting for me.  I must continue to do what I tell others they should do. 

As I implement these strategies, I have experienced significant contentment and fulfillment.  I have felt satisfaction and increased faith in myself and my ability to meet and work through difficult challenges.  I have acquired greater understanding and new truths about myself and those around me.  I have developed greater empathy and compassion for my fellow travelers along the way.   I have learned to believe in the process!