WANTING TO WANT

When I was quite young, my mother developed colon cancer and as a result had a colostomy in which her bowel was rerouted to a stoma on the side front of her body.  This radical surgery apparently not only traumatized her (she reportedly had a nervous breakdown as a result and took anti-depressants for the rest of her life) but also my father.  I don’t know if prior to the operation and breakdown her nature was to be very emotionally needy, but she definitely was afterward, and he did not respond well to her neediness.  I was too young to really absorb what was occurring in their relationship at the time, but in retrospect, there seems to have been little or no emotional intimacy between them when I was growing up. 

As a result of my mother’s neediness, she looked to the only other person physically near her who could satisfy it: me.  My brother and sister were both married, and I was her dutiful “baby” who would do just about whatever she wanted. I was an obedient, good boy by nature and an ideal foil for her neediness. When there was a behavior that she wanted from me that I did not want to do, she would often say, “I’ll just go and eat worms.”  I didn’t fully understand this dynamic at the time; I just wanted to please my mother because she was my mother.  (As I write this, I feel tremendous sadness, and I feel tears welling up in my eyes.)  I didn’t know any better.  

The result of this emotional manipulation combined with being tender hearted by nature and not wanting her or anybody else to suffer, was to set me on a life course of putting others’ emotional needs before mine, and being willing to always give up what I want for the wants of others.  It further means that I have gone through most of my adult life flailing about trying to figure out what I want, what I can feel passionate about.

No wonder that I went through university not really knowing what I wanted to study and major in, finally settling on Spanish and Teaching English as a Second Language to give me employment options to help me find a career that I really wanted.  No wonder that I have spent my entire post-university life in a career that is easy (too easy) and safe that was put in my lap by my father.  No wonder I looked through the years for other career possibilities (teaching, tourism, self-employment) only to settle for what was known and provided a constant supply of funds for my family.  

I have to acknowledge that my life has not been completely void of want or passion.  I have wanted to have a good marriage, and in my own codependent way (at times) I have tried to provide emotional constancy and support to Ann.  Sadly, it has sometimes been at the expense of behaviors I probably wanted.  I have been passionate about my religiosity, and through the years I have felt joy in learning Gospel truths and serving others in my various lay service capacities.  I have wanted to be reliable to my children, wanting them to always know that their father loves them no matter what.  I have pursued my musical hobbies which have brought me great joy and satisfaction.  I have been passionate about staying informed about current events.  I have wanted to maintain friendships with male friends through the years and have been successful doing so.  I am passionate in my appreciation for the beauties of nature (just look at some of my blog postings!)

Because I have sensed a lack of want and passion in my life, I have in recent times attempted to pay more attention to those feelings of want and passion. Since I grew up fairly poor, I have felt the want to be freer with money.  Because I have not been able to sing regularly the past few years I have begun to spend as much time as possible with the Southern California Mormon Choir (I am singing with them in performance early this Easter morning).  I asked for and received a camera for Christmas and I am endeavoring to become a more adept photographer, a talent I have always wanted but let slip by.  I love writing this blog, and feel great passion as a write in it.  I feel great passion when I am surrounded by nature, involving all of my senses.  Perhaps most significantly, I have been allowing myself to assert myself in my marriage, often doing what I want to do and not acquiescing to what Ann necessarily wants or would like.

Thus, having felt some passion as I have transitioned through my life, and feeling more passion and want now than I have ever felt, I am confronted now with existential dilemmas.  I really enjoy my life presently, especially the new awakenings of want that I am feeling.  Anybody who has been reading my blog should be able to sense my heartfelt gratitude for my life and just how blessed I feel.  It is a comfortable place (a couple of people who know me well might say, “too comfortable”).  I feel great contentedness for what is my life, humbled that I am so fortunate (those same couple of people might say, “too contented”)

 

So am I deceiving myself?  Am I opting for comfort when discomfort is what passionate/wanting people feel?  Should I always be angry with my mother? Is feeling contented really a good thing?  Is my comfort and contentment just repeating the same, well-known behavior of accepting what my circumstances are, or are my gradual forays into wanting and passion enough?   Am I rationalizing, or am I paying too much attention to what some people who know me well are suggesting to me, surrendering myself once again to persons outside of me?  If I want something I’ve never had before, then must I have to do something I’ve never done? Am I rigid in my religiosity, of thinking that I have found truth and that I am so blessed and that I am in a pretty good place and is that keeping me from feeling—from wanting and from passion—and do I find virtue in that?  Is constantly wanting a virtue?  What is enough? Does wanting ever end and contentment begin?  Am I just copping out?

This is really hard for me to navigate.  Transitions can be uncomfortable….

Cherry Blossom Time!

An announcement for a cherry blossom festival at a nearby garden in La Canada (Descanso Gardens) caught our eye this past weekend.  So after going for a hike earlier in the morning on Saturday, Ann and I went to feast our eyes.  We were not disappointed!  I wanted to share some of the better pictures on my blog.  I hope that you enjoy them!

Codependency 1

It has been some time since I blogged specifically about aspects of my therapeutic work.  I have written in the past about codependency, the mother of all addictions (in the sense that it is the most widespread addiction and that most other addictions occur as a result of or concurrent with it), and feel that it is so prevalent in society that I wanted to bring it up again.

As I was reading in a recovery book, I came across some codependency behaviors from Dr. Patrick Carnes’ book Don’t Call It Love.  And while this landmark book was written with a specific addiction in mind (sexual), much of it applies to all addictions.  Codependency even occurs when there is no addiction in sight, although it could be argued that anybody who tries to control another’s behavior or acquiesces to another and allows their own values to change, is addicted to that person’s behavior(s) and as such is codependent.  Codependency can occur even in “healthy” relationships, and not just spousal relationships, but also in other relationships and with children.  

Dr. Carnes’ book came from working with over one thousand sexually addicted people and their spouses or partners.  I wanted to share these codependent behaviors for anyone who might see themselves in one or more of them.

·         Collusion           Many cover up for the addicted person (or person who is having difficulties) by keeping secrets or lying.

·         Obsessive Preoccupation            It is difficult for them not to play detective and neglect others in focusing on fixing the addict (or struggling person/child).

·         Denial           Ignoring the reality and keeping busy with other things can cause them to overextend in other areas.

·         Emotional Turmoil           Codependent behavior causes people to ride an emotional roller coaster and have a hard time stabilizing emotions.

·         Manipulation           Some use sexuality (or some other behavior) as a tool to manipulate a spouse (or another or a child).

·         Excessive Responsibility           They are extremely tough on themselves and blame themselves for getting into the relationship in the first place and for not being able to stop the addictive (or maladaptive) behavior.

·         Compromise or Loss of Self           They may find they are giving up their own interests and even their values or morals in their attempts to accommodate those who are addicted (or who are really struggling).

·         Blame and Punishment           Some have affairs or act out in other harmful ways; they may shame their spouse (or other person or child) by telling intimate details of his/her current or past behavior to others.

·         Sexual Reactivity           The predominate impulse was to close down sexually, although some might become hypersexual to hold the addict in the relationship. 

For anyone who really wants to evaluate themselves to determine the length to which they might be codependent or have codependent behaviors, I would highly recommend another landmark book, this one by Melody Beattie called Codependent No More, which is available in all bookstores be they brick and mortar or online.

The list above is from Dr. Patrick Carnes, Don’t Call It Love; Recovery from Sexual Addiction, Bantam Books, 1991, 165-167.  

Confessions of a Mormon Bishop

Some people who read my blog are members of the LDS Church.  Some are not. For those who don't know, I served as a lay minister, a Bishop, of a flock of some 200 young single adults in the LDS Church from March 2006 to May 2009.  It was a transformational experience for me.  Indeed, it pointed me into the profession I now have as a psychotherapist.

Bishop Bob Davis

I was given to read the blog post below because I have served as a Bishop.  It touched me profoundly because I can easily relate to this Bishop's experiences.  In fact, I have many of these thoughts now as I sit in front of people as a therapist.  

By sharing this article, it will give you a glimpse into this singular experience as well what I often think of as I sit in front of people in 2013.  It's the real deal. 

Confessions of a Mormon Bishop

by RUSS HILL on MARCH 19, 2013

I pulled into my driveway at 12:30 this morning.

I sat in the car in front of our dark house for a few minutes.  Everyone inside was asleep.  The whole neighborhood was still.  And yet my mind was racing.  So many questions.  So many emotions.  Sadness.  Hope.  Inadequacy.

Welcome to the life of a Mormon bishop.

Like pastors, priests, and clergy in other religions, those of us asked to serve as a bishop in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints spend hours behind closed doors meeting with people who allow us into the darkest corners of their lives.

They come to us for various reasons.  Because of guilt.  Because they have lost hope.  Because they have been betrayed.  Because they don’t know where else to go.  Because they feel worthless.  Because the person they are isn’t the person they want to be.  Because they have questions.  Because they have doubts.  Because they believe in a forgiving God yet feel disconnected from Him.

They come and sit in front of me.  Some hesitate.  Take a deep breath.  And grasp for courage to say out loud what they have been hiding inside for days, weeks, or years.

Others almost run in.  They spill before I sit.  They’re anxious to clear their conscience or announce their doubts.

Each one is different.

For hours every week I sit.  And listen.

I did not ask for this opportunity.  I never considered I might someday have an office in a church.  I have no professional training for this position.  I am not a scriptural scholar.  I have not walked through vineyards with robe-wearing monks.  And, if you’re wondering about vows of celibacy let me introduce you to my four kids.

All I did was answer a phone call.  Show up for a meeting.  And nod when asked if I would serve.

I don’t sometimes wonder why me.  I always wonder why me.

And yet they come.  Share their stories.  And look to me for wisdom.

I’m not sure any of them have learned from me.  But, I have learned so much in the hours I’ve sat in that office listening to them.

I have learned that we believe it is a strength to conceal weakness.

I have learned that it is easy to want others to overlook our flaws as we expect perfection in them.

I have learned that it is hardest to show compassion and grant forgiveness to those closest to us.

I have learned that while curiosity is a strength it can also be a curse.

I have learned that we are creatures of habit.

I have learned that faith is a muscle.

I have learned that it is far easier to deny deity than to deny desire.

I have learned the mystery surrounding death forces a consideration of spiritual matters.

I have learned that observance of the Sabbath recalibrates perspective and improves judgment.

I have learned that most of us bear scars from the failure, disappointment, and fear in our lives.  And, we prefer to wear long sleeves.

I have learned that to deal with life’s pain most of us choose one of the following: alcohol, drugs, pornography, or spirituality.

I have learned alcohol and drugs are the easiest path.  As long as you’re willing to never stop drinking, smoking, or swallowing.

I have learned pornography is highly addictive and has nothing to do with sexual appetites and everything to do with escape.  And that the habit is never overcome in isolation.

I have learned that we feel like a failure when we make mistakes even when we profess a belief that the purpose of this existence is to make and learn from them.

I have learned that forgiveness is the greatest gift we can offer someone.  And ourselves.

I have learned that many know about Jesus Christ but more of us could make an effort to know Him.

I have learned that the strongest among us are those with the cleanest mirrors.

I have learned that the sins of parents profoundly affect children.  And are often repeated by them.

I have learned that affection from parents profoundly affects children.

I have learned that most communication between parents and children is what psychologists call “superficial.” Strong relationships are built on the “validating” variety.

I have learned that children desperately desire parents who listen.

I have learned that churches are not museums or catwalks for perfected saints but rather labs for sinners.

I have learned that “tolerate” and “love” are two very different verbs despite what popular culture professes.

I have learned that there’s more sadness in this world than I had realized.

I have learned there is more goodness in this world than I had realized.

I have learned that to be happy is a choice.

I have learned those preoccupied with serving others have less time to count their problems.

I have learned that a habit of one brief moment of spirituality a day can alter one’s entire direction.

I have learned that we want God to grant us space to make decisions but step in to stop others, nature, mortality, or illness from hurting us or those we love.

I have learned those who have made more mistakes have a great gift.  Empathy.  Now to the matter of searching out someone who hungers for it.

Indeed, I have learned I have much to learn.

The names of those I meet with will never be known.  Confidentiality demands I never disclose their stories.

But, late last night as I sat in my car on the driveway I decided I should compile a list of what the people I meet with are teaching me.

And, I wanted to share it.

My Inner Dialogue about Change

Can I change? 

If I really want to. 

Is it hard to change myself and easier to just stay where I am? 

Certainly!  The status quo is always more comfortable.  I may not like this part of me, but I know it, and I haven’t felt the need to change in the past.

Does my personal history tell me that it’s difficult for me to change? 

To a certain extent. 

Can I overcome the tendency to dwell on my past to justify not changing?

Yes, but it will probably be really challenging.  

I keep telling myself that I can’t change because I haven’t completely changed in the past.

Do I want to change now?

I think so, but the thought scares me.

So am I destined to fail in the end? 

No.  I can’t believe that.

If I’m not destined to fail, then I must have the ability to walk through my fears, to overcome my past, and change, and become, in the present.

But it’s comfortable right now even though I want to change.

So how badly do I want to change?  I will have to want it badly in order to overcome the challenges that will surely come.

So I need to hold fast to my commitment in those dark times?

Yes.

What happens if I temporarily lose sight of my commitment?

I may have to reach out to people I trust to help me in those times. I may have to reach out to God.

Yes, that’s right.

I have made changes in other aspects of my life and have proven my mettle in those areas, so why can’t I begin the process of making this change now?

I can.

But I am concerned that if I attempt to make this important change in my life, those around me might bring up the past and cling to it, and justify their belief that I can’t change because I haven’t changed in the past.

That’s true, and it might happen.

But just because people around me hold to the past to justify their beliefs and actions toward me does not mean that I have to believe I can’t change.

That’s right.

I can change, but the change has to come from deep within me, and must be for myself and not for anybody else.

True, also.

I know what I want and know my thoughts and intentions.  I need to accept the things I cannot change, usually others’ opinions, and have the courage to change what I can, what I have control over; like the Serenity Prayer.

I think I can change.  Here I go….