Misconceptions about Pornography Addiction

• Pornography is not addictive.  Current medical studies on the brain document the chemicals that are produced in the brain when viewing pornography greatly impact it and can create addiction to the chemicals, and subsequently to pornography.  One study equates the effect pornography has on the brain with the use of cocaine.  Not everyone that looks at pornography is an addict, but it is risky behavior that can lead to terrible consequences.
• If you regularly look at pornography, you must be a sex addict.  Most of the people that use the term "addict" don't really understand addiction, and use it to describe someone who really likes doing some behavior or using some chemical.  If you regularly look at pornography. and cannot stop after repeatedly attempting not to, and do so at the peril of important relationships in your life, then you may be a sex addict.  But many people who look at pornography do not reach that level.  Understanding why one can't stop looking at pornography and masturbating is more productive than putting a label on one's self or another as being a sex addict.
• Pornography is merely about sex.  When a someone looks at pornography, they will almost always masturbate, but their behaviors are not really about sex.  They are about what they are feeling, or trying not to feel, as they use pornography and masturbate to self-soothe or to cope with stressors in their lives. Studies show that many if not most people who have chemical addictions such as with alcohol or drugs also have sexual addictive behaviors--because they use all of their addictions to deal with the challenges of their lives.
• Pornography helps the addict to deal with less sexual activity with their partner.  This behavior comes at a great cost.  Pornography dulls the ability to connect with a partner emotionally, and usually involves isolating. The more one engages in this behavior , the easier it is to disconnect. Partners can sense when they are being objectified and will eventually rebel. All porn addicts lie to cover up their dual lives, thus destroying the trust that their partners have in them. Pornography addiction is often referred to as an attachment disorder.
• Children can’t get addicted.  Not many people have this belief these days. The average age for first exposure to pornography used to be age 11, just ten years ago.  That age is now younger, meaning there are 7 or 8 year olds that are becoming addicted.  Children can become addicted to the "chemical banquet" that occurs in their brains and bodies, just like people who are older. Nearly all people currently wrestling with problems of sexual acting out started doing so when they were in their early teens, if not earlier.
• If a filter is placed on computers or phones, there will not be any exposure to pornography. Many people, including youth, who are computer saavy at all can often get past a filter.  Some filters are harder to figure out than others.  Some programs have accountability partners while others try to control internet searches.  But online pornography is only one of many sources of pornography.
• If someone is addicted to pornography, they will probably be a child molester.  Although there is ample child pornography on the Internet, most men do not access these sites.  And even if they go to these sites, there is no certainty that they will become child molesters.  Many child molesters were molested themselves as children.  
• Being abstinent is the same as recovery.  When someone is in their addiction, the focus of their life (and if they have a family, their family members' lives also) is on the addiction.  Recovery cannot take place while acting out.  Thus, abstinence is an absolute requirement for recovery, but it is not recovery.  Abstinence hopefully takes the focus off of the addiction, and onto the "whys" of the addiction.  When one is able to focus on these reason(s), recovery can begin.  Otherwise, it is often only a matter of time before the addict acts out; when "white knuckleing" or will power fails them.  
• If the addict keeps slipping up, they will never be able to stop their behaviors.  Most addicts will slip up, especially if they are using sheer will power.  Slips are a part of the process of becoming abstinent and being in recovery.  The truth is that for most addicts, they stop themselves from their addictive behaviors more often than they give into them. Most addicts have great will power. They lack needful support from a group of their fellow addicts who can hold them accountable. They lack a sponsor or a person who has been through the process as an addict and can be there for them in the wobbly times. They lack understanding why they engage in their addictive behaviors.  Even then, they may not be perfect.
• If a partner is addicted to pornography and masturbation, it is the other partner’s fault.  This is a manipulation the addict puts on their loved one so as to not confront the real reason(s) why they act out.  Addicted partners often use this manipulation when they perceive that they are not engaging in sexual activity as often as they need to, or when their sex life for them has become stale and unexciting.  But as previously explained, sexual addiction is not really about sex; it's about how they use sex to self-soothe.  It is their own issue.
• Shaming or embarrassing those with addictive tendencies will motivate them to stop.  Quite the opposite is true.  Shame, embarrassment and condemnation tend to cause those with such tendencies to hide them and be more secretive about them in order to avoid exposure.  People who attend relgious services can be shamed by doctrine and by eccleciastical leaders, who may ignorantly tell them to prayer more diligently or read scripture a little longer. What they need is an atmosphere of love, hope, and support, with appropriate boundaries thoughtfully and lovingly placed.
• Pornography will help a couple enhance their relationship.  This is another manipulation by the addicted partner who wrongfully believes that new, more exciting sex will make their relationship better.  Pornography is degrading to the participants, and if one of the partners is already routinely looking at pornography, chances are they will think about the person's body in the media rather than their partner when engages in sex with them.  
• If a partner has a sexual addiction, the other partner should leave (or divorce) because they will never change.  Never is a long time. People can change if they are inwardly motivated to do so. Often being discovered by their partner serves as a genuine wake up call, but an addicted partner needs to want to stop the behavior for themselves and not just to please their partner or to meet their partner's ultimatum.  Divorce is a "nuclear option" and should be used with the greatest of care, especially when children are involved.  Boundaries need to be put in place with consequences.  
• If single, getting married will solve the problem.   If one has been abstinent, being able to engage in sexual activity does not make the desire go away to look at pornography and masturbate.  There is an underlying reason for the behaviors and until they are addressed in a therapeutic setting (or if one does a genuine Fourth Step of the SA Twelve Steps), the newly married person will continue their behaviors.
• If I am active in a church congregation, God will protect me from addiction.  This is self-deceit. In most church congregations, there will be a number of people who struggle with pornography and masturbation.  They are filled with shame and often lead an exhausting double life.  Praying, studying scripture, and attending services will not automatically take away the desire to indulge in these behaviors.  
• If a partner confesses to an ecclesiastical leader, the addiction will go away.   Such thinking would be similar to going to the family doctor to talk about one's diabetes and then believing it will go away.  Besides, most ecclesiatical authorities to not understand addiction. The addiction won't go away until the addict confesses to themselves that they are powerless over their addiction and that their lives have become unmanageable. 

If you or a loved one has challenges with a possible addiction to pornography and masturbation and would like some help, please contact me personally at my email:  robertedavismft@gmail.com.

Codependency 1

It has been some time since I blogged specifically about aspects of my therapeutic work.  I have written in the past about codependency, the mother of all addictions (in the sense that it is the most widespread addiction and that most other addictions occur as a result of or concurrent with it), and feel that it is so prevalent in society that I wanted to bring it up again.

As I was reading in a recovery book, I came across some codependency behaviors from Dr. Patrick Carnes’ book Don’t Call It Love.  And while this landmark book was written with a specific addiction in mind (sexual), much of it applies to all addictions.  Codependency even occurs when there is no addiction in sight, although it could be argued that anybody who tries to control another’s behavior or acquiesces to another and allows their own values to change, is addicted to that person’s behavior(s) and as such is codependent.  Codependency can occur even in “healthy” relationships, and not just spousal relationships, but also in other relationships and with children.  

Dr. Carnes’ book came from working with over one thousand sexually addicted people and their spouses or partners.  I wanted to share these codependent behaviors for anyone who might see themselves in one or more of them.

·         Collusion           Many cover up for the addicted person (or person who is having difficulties) by keeping secrets or lying.

·         Obsessive Preoccupation            It is difficult for them not to play detective and neglect others in focusing on fixing the addict (or struggling person/child).

·         Denial           Ignoring the reality and keeping busy with other things can cause them to overextend in other areas.

·         Emotional Turmoil           Codependent behavior causes people to ride an emotional roller coaster and have a hard time stabilizing emotions.

·         Manipulation           Some use sexuality (or some other behavior) as a tool to manipulate a spouse (or another or a child).

·         Excessive Responsibility           They are extremely tough on themselves and blame themselves for getting into the relationship in the first place and for not being able to stop the addictive (or maladaptive) behavior.

·         Compromise or Loss of Self           They may find they are giving up their own interests and even their values or morals in their attempts to accommodate those who are addicted (or who are really struggling).

·         Blame and Punishment           Some have affairs or act out in other harmful ways; they may shame their spouse (or other person or child) by telling intimate details of his/her current or past behavior to others.

·         Sexual Reactivity           The predominate impulse was to close down sexually, although some might become hypersexual to hold the addict in the relationship. 

For anyone who really wants to evaluate themselves to determine the length to which they might be codependent or have codependent behaviors, I would highly recommend another landmark book, this one by Melody Beattie called Codependent No More, which is available in all bookstores be they brick and mortar or online.

The list above is from Dr. Patrick Carnes, Don’t Call It Love; Recovery from Sexual Addiction, Bantam Books, 1991, 165-167.