My life seems quite full of those moments. Perhaps it is because of being an introspective person. Perhaps it is because of the psychotherapy work that I do each week, particularly with couples or partners in a couple/dyadic relationship, and what I experience in that setting. Whatever their cause, I routinely have these inner dialogues about meanings.
What was very important for me to understand and internalize a few years ago was the concept of being codependent. A codependent person has been defined as: "a person who has let another person's behavior affect him or her, and who is obsessed with controlling that person's behavior." It is as important to me today as it was when I first understood it, and I understand it better now because I continually scrutinize my life, and because I see codependency everywhere I look!
I learned that codependency is what I call "the mother of all addictions" because 1) it is a behavior present in nearly every addiction, and 2) it is the most wide spread addictive behavior of them all. And while many people would say they have no addictions or addictive behaviors, given some time to review their behaviors with those around them especially with their children, I can usually spot codependent behavior. Codependence is really an addiction, and most people are blissfully ignorant of it.
The truth of codependency was given to me through examining my life, observing what was happening around me, and seeing my own codependence, particularly with my wife, children and extended family. I realized that I allowed myself to be negatively impacted by a loved one, who for whatever reason did not do or be what I asked them to do or be, or who for whatever reason did not return the love I had offered them in my words or deeds. I wanted them to follow my path or to think well of me, and that they didn't do it was unbearable.
As a result of my research, my experience in the psychological health care field, and my own life experience, when I have codependent expectations (and I sometimes still do), they are almost always about me and not about the loved one. In other words, if my teen aged child decided not to follow my path, including my morals and values, and I attempted to control their behavior, that is really about my anxiety, and not necessarily about my love for them. If I allow their contrary behavior to affect me negatively, that is my issue, not theirs.
For example, if my wife does something that I wish she didn't do, or think she should do something differently, a better way (my way), a way that to my belief wouldn't cause so many problems, I am attaching to her in a codependent way. If I am trying to live her life for and through her, I have made her life about me, not about her. It is easier for me to stay unhealthily attached to her. At least I can live in the illusion that I'm trying to help her.
To the degree that I worry, stew, react, or try to control her, I am being codependent. I have made her behavior about me. But in doing so, I am disrespecting both her and me. Never mind that what I am doing keeps my emotions churning because of what she did or didn't say or do, or will do next. Never mind that what I am doing isn't really helping her or me.
If I am so enmeshed and attached to her, and don't realize what I am doing, I will keep on doing it because it's my default setting, and it's easy. Self-realization is challenging and frought with fear, and usually requires change. Ouch!
I am experienceing a better way. It is called "loving detachment." It is not a cold, hostile withdrawal, a resignation, a despairing acceptance or what life has dealt me. It is not ignorant bliss or being unaffected by people and problems. It is not cutting off relationships or a removal of love or concern.
It is lovingly, not angrily, disengaging mentally, emotionally, and sometimes even physically from unhealthy entanglements that belong to another person's life. It is calmly detaching from their responsibilities, from problems we cannot solve. In her landmark book titled Codependent No More, which I esteem nearly as important as religious scripture, Meloldy Beattie writes the following:
Detachment is based on the premise that each person is responsible for himself, that we can't solve problems that aren't ours to solve, and that worrying doesn't help. We adopt a policy of keeping our hands off other people's responsibilities and tend to our own instead. If people have created disasters for themselves, we allow them to face their own proverbial music. [Yes, parents, that means us!] We allow people to be who they are. We give them the freedom to be responsible and to grow. And we give ourselves that same freedom. We live our own lives to the best of our ability. We strive to ascertain what it is we can change and what we cannot change. Then we stop trying to change things we can't.
She further writes incitefully about having faith in ourselves, our Higher Power (if we have one), and other people:
We believe in the rightness and appropriateness of each moment. We release our burdens and cares, and give ourselves the freedom to enjoy life in spite of our unsolved problems. We trust that all is well in spite of our conflicts. We trust that Somebody greater than ourselves knows, has ordained, and cares about what is happening. We understand that this Someone can do much more to solve the problem than we can. So we try to stay out of His way and let Him do it. (And I would say that from my personal experience, He is much better at solving problems than I am--because that is His responsibility and He does it perfectly!)
I have felt a great increase in my personal peace, my personal serenity. I have felt more energized about my life and my ability to find real solutions to problems. I have felt much less guilt about my life and responsibility for the lives of others. And in some cases when I have lovingly detached, it has motivated and freed people around me to begin to solve their own problems. I have stopped worrying about them and they have picked up the slack and have finally started taking responsibility for themselves. I am minding my own business.
An acknowledgement as I conclude this blog posting. Sometimes detaching lovingly is impossible, but often that has to do with our loved one. We shouldn't think that it is impossible as we begin the process of detaching lovingly, but sometimes it is in our best mental and emotional health to just detach--and maybe it won't be pretty. Detaching is ultimately about taking care of one's self. And if you find you can't detach, try to relax, chill out, sit back, and take a deep breath. Just try to make their lives about them and not about you!
1 comment:
Perfect advice for me Bob. Thanks!
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