Some of My Take-aways from the Affirmation Conference

Randall Thacker, John Gustav-Wrathall, Todd Richardson

While attending the Affirmation Conference this past weekend, upon hearing something that was meaningful to me, I would write the thought on my Notepad in my I-Phone.  What I want to do is to share some of those ideas, and riff on them a bit.  This is part of my processing of what was a transformative experience for me.

"Take one day at a time to deal with the ambiguity"

While the LDS LGBT community would ideally like for Church policy to change through modern revelation to general Church leadership, Randall Thacker, current president of Affirmation, warned the Community that they will be greatly disappointed if they expect such a momentous change to occur.  Affirmation is not about lobbying for such a landmark shift; rather, it seeks to facilitate and support the community in their efforts to live and even thrive in the uncertainty.

When speaking to uninformed LDS members about Affirmation, some grasp the ambiguity.  How does someone who has not chosen to have same-gender attraction but has felt it as long as they can remember, reconcile these feelings that can't be prayed, read or fasted away with Church doctrine which seems to speak only to a heterosexual heaven, and whose leadership and members are often unloving and even hostile to them?

Those who attended the conference were challenged to accept the need to tolerate unanswerable questions.

"We don't have revelation as a Church as to what God thinks about His homosexual children"

This is a paraphrase of what someone in Affirmation leadership was told by a General Authority. It is true and it rings true.  If there were such revelation, then it would be preached over the pulpit, included in the General Handbook of Instructions, and stake presidents and bishops would hopefully be more consistent in their treatment of their LGBT members who still want to be connected to the Church.  Presently, lacking specific revelation, local leaders are left to their own opinions and their own biases--how they interpret the revelatory ambiguity.

What the Church does know has been placed by it on their website: mormonsandgays.org.  This is a website that the LGBT community was pleased to see because it gave them hope that their ambiguity was being recognized by general Church leadership, and it gave voice to one of the community's greatest aspirations: that Christians and particularly LDS people should show love to all God's children, as Christ would show it.

"The Kubler-Ross stages of grief can help assist in giving clarity to members of the LDS LGBT community"

I have previously blogged about this helpful teaching and would refer the reader to it for increased insight.  I had not considered its relevance and application to the LDS LGBT community until I attended a discussion group about the Stages of Grief during the Conference.  The stages are:

-- Denial  Most in the Community have wrestled with themselves and with God that they or their loved ones were indeed LGBT.
-- Anger  There is often much anger pointed outward toward family, friends and insensitive Church members.  But often there is also anger pointed inward.  "Why was I born this way?  Why doesn't God take away these feelings?
--  Bargaining  Many LDS LGBT people have tried to make a deal with God.  "If I serve a mission, will you please take away these feelings?"  "If I pray more, read scriptures longer, fast more frequently, attend the temple more regularly, will you then please give me peace of mind?"
--  Depression  Nearly all in this Community have dealt with depression.  It manifests in so many ways.  Much of the depression comes from wrestling with their paradox of wanting to be accepted by God and by His Church, but realizing that their homosexuality or feelings about their gender are undeniable.
--  Acceptance  The path that this Community walks hopefully leads to a peace and self-acceptance of their own or their loved one's homosexuality and their gender.  This path also demands acceptance of the inherent aforementioned ambiguity of their lives. 

"Our challenge is to bring the body and spirit together"

I interpreted this to mean that for the LDS LGBT person, it is necessary to neither ignore their sexuality nor their need for connection with God.  As in the LDS doctrine of resurrection in which the glorified body is brought together with the glorified spirit to form a single unit of great joy and contentment, so should the Community seek to bring their physical natures together with their spiritual natures into one. Neither nature can or should be neglected.  Successfully integrated in mortality, the LDS LGBT person can experience joy and contentment now.

"Labels can be good and bad"

If I think of myself as sensitive and caring, I am labeling myself.  Likely, if I do it consistently, I will come to fulfill that expectation.  In other words, it becomes a self-fulfilling prophesy.  But if I think of myself as a slacker or an addict, I will likely become or continue to be that person.

This experience of labeling happens routinely in our interactions with others, especially those who are seen as different from us.  People label others in a conscious or subconscious attempt to distance themselves so they do not have to interact with them or find out more about them.  And for the non-LGBT member of the Church, it is important that we do not fall into this trap with regard to those among us who are LGBT.  Those who take the time to get to know the LGBT individual and experience, will come away with increased empathy and hopefully will be enlarged in their capacity to love.

Darius Gray, Friday's Exceptional Featured Speaker

"Everyone is: A Child of God, Loved of God, and Part of God's Plan

All LDS members need to embrace this doctrine, for their own self-love and for their interactions with those who are different from them.  While many realize that they are indeed a child of God (what a wonderfully spiritual experience to hear us sing I Am a Child of God as one of our worship songs this past weekend!). I learned again that many in the LDS LGBT community wrestle to really believe that they are loved of God.  Many also wrestle with the concept that their homosexuality and gender are part of God's plan.

I found the words of the 2nd Verse of I Am a Child of God to be particularly poignant as I sang them with my LGBT brothers and sisters:

I am a Child of God, and so my needs are great.  Help me to understand His words before it grows too late.

Another talk dealt with the idea that we are all seeds, that God has planted us, that within a seed is the promise of becoming what eventually the seed will become, but that God is fine with us being a seed.  God lovingly sees the seed as perfect, and that we, as seeds, are perfect at every stage of becoming what we will eventually become in God's garden.  Our grwoth is part of God's Plan.

"Life is to be enjoyed, not just to be endured"

Because of living in the ambiguity, and because living inside and outside of the closet is challenging for the LDS LGBT person, it is a challenge to not simply get through the day or to get through life, but to really find and feel joy.  The last phrase in the scripture found in 2 Nephi 2:25 in The Book of Mormon comes to mind: "...men are that they might have joy."

It takes mindful effort to live life in the moment and to enjoy the journey.  It takes effort to rid ourselves of damaging, illogical thoughts and begin the process of challenging them and replacing them with uplifting, affirming, logical thoughts which can then positively influence our feelings and behaviors.

"It is called the Plan of Salvation, not the Plan of Damnation"

LDS believers embrace what is called the Plan of Salvation.  What sometimes occurs is that they choose to put more emphasis on the Plan part and less on the Salvation part.  Adherents of the LDS faith get caught up in what they see as the beauty and logic of the Plan, but give short shrift to the concept that the Plan is to save all of God's children.  God's work is "to bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of man," and may I say parenthetically, ALL MEN, ALL HUMANITY.

His purpose is not to damn us, or stop our progression, but to faciliate that progression.  His business is not to damn us but to save us.  That should be cause for us who believe to really believe what He has said.  The LDS LGBT Community that surrounded me this past weekend was filled with light and with belief in God's assurances.  They are worthy, as am I, of His saving grace and his unconditional, salvational love.

"Life lessons to be learned are best realized in a marriage setting"

This understanding has changed my mind regarding my view on same-sex marriage.  It has not come easily.  It is a process and it is still evolving.  But I have chosen to embrace it even though my Church, through its backing of Proposition 8 and the continuing rhetoric of some General Authorities, preaches otherwise.  My evolution on this subject has been the source of great consternation and distress to my extended family who have not been shy in voicing their opinions to me.

But if, in fact, life lessons are best realized in a marriage setting, and if life is really to help us to become the best we can be, to learn about ourselves, to learn to love unconditionally, how can that be done by someone who has no option but to remain celibate?  That is not to say the single people cannot learn those important lessons, but an LGBT does not have the choice to be married with the Church's blessing.  And becoming involved in a mixed orientation marriage is not the answer, as it once was preached by the Church.   For the record, I learned that current statistics show that 85% of marriages to someone of the opposite gender of LGBT people who have served LDS missions ends in divorce.  The statistic is 95% if neither has served an mission.

So does God love LGBT individuals less?  Are they supposed to sojourn in life as flawed, damaged individuals?  It is easy for someone who is a privileged heterosexual and has the opportunity for marriage to think that an LGBT just needs to go through life without the profound love found in a marriage covenant.  Isn't it called The Plan of Salvation and not The Plan of Damnation, and doesn't the doctrine apply to everyone?

One person spoke of sacred personal revelation he had received from God regarding his query about persuing a same-gender relationship.  He remarked that God revealed to him "I want you to have happiness in this life and in the next.  (My emphasis)  Isn't that really what God wants for all of us, or is it just hyperbole?

"Stay at the table"

This phrase was uttered a few times in a discussion about LGBT people and their interactions with family and friends who cannot embrace their sexuality.  It is a challenge for an LGBT person to not step away from "the table" in their interactions with loved ones out of frustration that their decisions are not supported by loved ones, out of feeling rejected by them.  It is also a challenge for certain of their loved ones to step away who simply cannot open their hearts and minds to the reality that their son, daughter, father or mother is same-gender attracted and do not give heed to their calls to repentance. 

The LGBT attendees were encouraged during the Conference to stay at "the table", to continue the process of reconciliation, however painful that process is.  Testimony was offered as to the benefits of perservering and loving, especially when it hurts.  They realize that their loved one may never be reconciled to their sexuality, but then it is incumbent upon them to love them as the Savior loved those around him even when they did not agree with him or injured or crucified Him.

"Embracing the 'And'"

Julie de Acevedo spoke and performed on the last day of the Conference.  In her psychotherapy office, she has placed a large representation that shows a large ampersand, an "&."  She put it there to encourage people to think about themselves being more than just one aspect of their lives.  In other words, a person may identify themselves as LGBT, but then, what else are they, or what else can they be?  People are so much more than just one aspect of their lives, and that we need to embrace that truth.  I found the idea incredibly liberating, and I hope that my LGBT brothers and sisters did as well!

"Love unfeigned"

The keynote speaker on the last day of the Conference is a BYU professor in the Department of Microbiology and Molecular Biology and is a former member of a stake presidency and a former mission president.  He delivered a lecture at BYU in 2010 that cause quite a stir there and at Church Headquarters called "The Evidence for a Biological Origin for Homosexuality,"  It likely was that presentation that led to the Church hierarchy to soften its stance on the idea that homosexuality was a choice.  Since then, he has been involved with researchers at Utah State University collecting data on the attitudes of present and former LDS LGBT persons. 

Among many important concepts, he spoke of the idea of "love unfeigned" taken from an LDS scripture.  He talked of the importance of truly loving ourselves and others, a love born of true caring and concern. He spoke of the hypocrisy and falseness of those who say that they "hate the sin but love the sinner," and how such people rarely truly love the sinner as Christ would; that this was "feigned love." 

For me, perhaps the most poignant moment of the entire weekend, and which to me was a powerful example of "love unfeigned," was something I didn't hear, but I observed.  It was at the conclusion of the "testimony" meeting held on Saturday, a meeting in which a few LGBT persons spoke of the ambiguity of their paths but also of their fondest desires to be associated with the Church and of their desire to follow God.  It was during the final congregational song of the meeting, "The Spirit of God Like a Fire Is Burning."

I noticed that a few rows ahead of me, the Senior Vice President of Affirmation, John Gustav-Wrathall, had both arms encircling the shoulders of the men on either side of him (one being the head of Affirmation from Mexico), and he was enthusiastically singing the song that has special meaning for members of the Church. That in and of itself was not so exceptional, but what was is the fact of his spirited singing of the special song of the Church that had excommunicated him, that had abandoned him, that had dismissed him, but to which he desperately longs to stay attached.  It is the Church he loves and which is part of who he is as a son of God. He has love unfeigned for the Church, for those around him, and for himself, embracing his LGBT life and experiencing love as an LGBT son of God.

Listening, Learning, and Loving

The past three blog postings have dealt with the intense, heart-wrenching, challenging stories of gays and lesbians trying to reconcile their LDS religious beliefs with their un-chosen sexual orientation.  The stories have moved and profoundly touched me.  I could post more stories of others in this community, but I have other thoughts and feelings that I want to explore on my blog.  I want to share where I am  now, for better or for worse, in what I have come to call "The Struggle."  I do so unapologetically.

Some who read my blog may already be aquainted with a website titled: mormonstories.org.  It contains hundreds of hours of interview, most by John Dehlin, whom I have come to appreciate and admire for his courage to examine difficult (and some not so difficult) issues of life, and issues within the Church.  In one of his recent offerings, he posted a talk on Novmeber 21st given at Utah State University.  It was given under the auspices of TED Talks, a great resource for learning all kinds of things from all kinds of experts.  His topic was about why he is an "LGBT Ally," and in it he talked about three concepts that he has come to embrace over the past 15 years or so since being confronted by his own prejudices and biases regarding gays and lesbians.  He challenges his listeners to listen, to learn, and to love.  I have taken his challenge, and will spend the balance of this posting writing about my journey.

I have to believe that most members of the Church who are quick to condemn those with same-gender attraction, who talk disparingly of those who seek to have a normal relationship with someone of their own gender, and who bristle when opining on those who want to have the same rights and priviledges as heterosexual couples, have not actually spent a significant period of time listening to such a person, much less with a conflicted or completely out member of the Church.   They likely have not made the effort to listen, to try to understand what these people think and feel.  I find it ironic because I believe that if Jesus Christ were on the earth in 2013, he would not shun them, but would listen to them, engage them in conversation, and love them.  I believe that He is at the head of the Church, so why wouldn't I follow His example as I am taught to do over the pulpit and in my classes, and do what He would do?

I have listened to some gays and lesbians in the non-LDS as well as the LDS communities.   I am touched by their humanity, their realness.  Those who are LDS share the heart-wrenching conflict between belief and the reality of their lives, most having prayed to not have the feelings they have, and most having experienced some sort of suicide ideation at one point or another.  These children of God are not evil, sinister, filthy, perverted, sex-crazed individuals.  They are like heterosexuals, just wanting to be accepted and loved like I am.  Many do not feel safe to come out to family and friends; they live in fear of rejection and condemnation, or worse.

When we choose to not understand others, when we hide behind our rigid piety, and dismiss others as sinners or less than us, we do so out of fear, and not out of love--perfect love casts out all fear.  It is easier to not confront what we do not know, to not confront the legitimate thoughts and feelings of others whose behavior we find at odds with our own beliefs, to consider them less than us.  Look at how the Jews were treated at the hands of many Germans during the late 30s and early 40s of the last century, or how many Blacks in the US have been treated throughout our nation's history.  By choosing to not engage those who are different than us, we protect ourselves from having to deal with our own uneasiness and vulnerability.  Vulnerability takes courage.  It takes challenging the emotional wall we build around ourselves for emotional protection.

I have learned just how difficult their lives can be.  Many are told to pray a little harder, read scriptures a little longer, and to just fall in love with someone of the opposite gender.  Just imagine, my heterosexual readers and friends, what you would do if someone you really respected counseled you to engage in homosexual behavior.  How would that make you feel? Could you?  Too bad if you're gay or lesbian and can't find your way to make yourself do that.  You're consigned to try to function in a family-oriented Church as a celibate, never to enjoy the love of a caring partner in this life. It is very easy for heterosexuals within the Church to tell a gay or lesbian member to just get married, or stay celibate.  And, as I have posted previously, gay and lesbian people receive different treatment from Church leadership regarding chastity than heterosexuals do.

While some LGBT people do not opt for a monogamous relationship, many heterosexuals likewise do not choose to do that.  While some LGBT are militant in their "gayness,"  they are "out and proud," many long as heterosexuals do to find "the one" and love that person wholly and completely for the rest of their lives.  While some LDS are lucky enough to have a congregational leader who is supportive and loving, many gays and lesbians are not only afraid to talk about their sexual orientation with them, but if they are finally courageous enough to do so, are given counsel that is neither accurate, nor uplifting, nor consistent.  Having been an LDS leader myself, we strive to counsel with the "Spirit," but what comes out of our mouths can often be based on falsehoods, our own decisions, our own opinions.  Just because something is written in the Handbook does not mean that it is the correct and optimal counsel to give to a tender-hearted, conflicted son or daughter of God.  Weren't the Pharisees all about the letter of the law, and not about the Spirit of the law?

I am learning to love these brothers and sisters, LDS or not.  As I have written in other postings, I see people on a "horizontal" basis and not on a "vertical" basis.  In other words, I see them as my equal--I am not above them and they are not below me  I truly believe that Heavenly Father is my Father and that I am one of His sons, and the gay, lesbian, bi-sexual, or transgender person in front of me (yes, I have met and gotten to know and appreciate a transgender individual) is my spiritual brother or sister.  He wouldn't shun or avoid them, speak evil of them, ridicule them, or disown them, so why should I?  He would try to make their burden lighter.  He would put His arms around them and hold them tight.  He would speak words of encouragement and love to them.  And I believe He would tell them that they are not exceptions to His mandate that "men [and women] are that they might have joy."

So yes, I guess my journey has brought me to a point that I can say that I too am an LGBT Ally.  I don't know if this might somehow affect my membership in some way, but I can no longer be a fence sitter.  I know what my Leaders say, but like John Dehlin believes, I believe in miracles, and I believe that doctrines and practices can change, as some have throughout the history of the Church.  I believe this "doctrine" will change. I hope so, for these my brothers and sisters.