Point and Shoot

Ever since I served as the photographer for the West High School newspaper from 1969 to 1971, I have been interested in photography.  In fact, it was an interest in it that prompted me to ask to be the photographer.  One of my college jobs was taking dorm pictures of entire girls' residence halls (thank you my friend, Bill Harten!)

From then until now I have maintained my interest in photography.  It has been limited to looking at and enjoying pictures until now.  My desire to start taking pictures has been rekindled through the gift of a Nikon Coolpix "point-and-shoot" camera given me a few years ago.  The desire has also been heightened by being able to take pictures with my I-Phone at any time and any place (because I usually have it with me all the time).

I asked for and received a camera that I had chosen (thanks, Ann!) this past Christmas.  I wimped out and didn't get a DSLR (digital single lens reflex), but rather, a top-of-the-line, digital "point-and-shoot."  Maybe some day when I am more confident in my abilities....

So since December, I've been taking pictures with my new Nikon V-1.  I took a bunch while my siblings and partners were here for the Tournament of Roses Parade on New Year's.  But everything that I've read and everything that I hear from real photographers indicates to me that the best way to become a great photographer is to take great numbers of pictures--tens of thousands!  So I am just barely starting out.  BTW, I keep the Coolpix in my car and will sometimes use it if I stumble on to something that inspires me.  And I will occasionally take pics with my I-Phone as well if I am not in my car.

I thought I would be brave an post some of my very preliminary pictures.  I am trying to pay attention to composition, to lighting, to texture, and to depth of field.  There is so much that goes into taking a picture that I don't even know about yet.  But that's okay.  I have to start somewhere, right?  This photographic journey is yet another transition for me.

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So this is of a Christmas display in a yard just down the street from us.  I liked the creativity.

Lighting was a challenge for this shot of the Parade.  I only had one lens at the time.  I don't know how to filter, and I certainly do not know how to photoshop.  It's a fun picture, however!

 

This was taken during our Big Bear weekend vacation a little over a week ago.  It had snowed about 8-10 inches and the temperature was just starting to warm.  I liked the coloring of the sky in the AM light, the shadows, the overall composition.  If I knew how to photoshop I would have eliminated the wires that were everywhere.  It was taken with my 10-30 regular lens.

More wires.  I liked the purple against the green of the trees, the blue of the sky, and the white of the snow.  Not a great picture--had the wrong lens--but a kind of interesting one.

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I saw this more rustic bird feeder and decided to shoot it; didn't have my zoom lens.  I'm sure there is something that could be done with this, maybe even with the composition, but I don't know what or how.















 
Yet more wires.  Thought this was a nice contrast of green and blue and white, with some shadowing.  I did crop this one along with both bird feeders above.

This may be the best picture that I've taken thus far, in terms of composition, depth of field (I'm still getting acquainted with the zoom lens I bought a few weeks ago), lighting (needs to be lightened a bit?), and texture.  Again, I'm sure that this picture could likely be improved with techniques that I am unaware of, but this is an untouched picture, and I'm kind of proud of it!

This is my Prius that stalled on the freeway.  Yes, I have since had repairs done on it, and I am trying to take good care of it (got an synthetic oil change coming up this week or next), but I still like it and the average 46 miles per gallon it gives me, and it is an attractive color.  It looks good in the shade; the color really looks nice.  The picture was taken at a turnout up Angeles Crest Highway about four miles.  I came up to find some flora and fauna to shoot, and this shot was pretty much an afterthought, but hey, tens of thousands, right?

This tree and others were across from the turnout.  I used my telephoto lens on this but it didn't do anything about the background.  Still, the mountains and foliage in the background are kind of nice.  I like the stark nature of this burnt tree and the black and natural colors of the trunk and limbs. 

 

There were lots of these wild yellow flowers everywhere and I shot a dozen or so pictures.  This one I cropped to eliminate any distraction from this one bloom.  I really like the shadows on it and the out-of-focus background.  This was shot with the zoom lens as was the tree above (also was cropped) and the picture below.

This was a tree (flowering plum?) growing in an island in La Canada.  It was too beautiful to not record so I pulled into a nearby parking lot, put on my zoom lens, shot it, and cropped out stuff below.  I like the pink against the blue, the texture/detail, and the subtle shading.

If anybody is a professional photographer out there in the blogosphere, I'd welcome any suggestions.  Otherwise, for everyone else, I hope that you liked my first attempts.

"God, I Don't Want to Die!!!"

Last Friday evening, on the way back from Orange County, I was driving home on one of the Los Angeles freeways.  The radio was going and I was in a contented frame of mind since the BYU Volleyball team had come from two games down to win the next three and beat the #1 team in a match I had just witnessed.  I had driven about 45 minutes since leaving the game.

Suddenly, the lights on my dashboard lit up and I felt my Toyota Prius lose power.  I moved over one lane to the far right lane, and pushed the button to illuminate my emergency flashers.  The car coasted for awhile and I looked anxiously for an exit or at least a shoulder on which to roll to a stop.  There was no shoulder, and I suddenly realized to my horror that my car was not going get over the next incline and that it would come to rest in a lane of traffic.  Behind me, there was a slightly banked curve that became a straightaway for about 100-150 yards.  I probably should have exited the car and gone on the other side of the concrete barrier, but it just didn't occur to me.

I uttered a vocal prayer asking God to watch over me. Some seconds later, I had presence of mind to use my cell phone and dialed 911.  I told the dispatcher my dilemma and told her that I was stalled in traffic and to send someone as soon as possible.  She asked if I had AAA coverage and I confirmed that I did.  She stated that she would send someone right away, but I was already feeling panic.  (Writing this right now I feel the knot in my stomach that was there that night.)  I started breathing heavily and rolled down my window and started waving a rag so as to draw attention to my car and to me.

I focused on my indoor rearview mirror and watched the traffic behind me.  Helplessness and despair overcame me as I fully realized the precariousness of my position.  I would stare in horror and panic as I would see cars quickly approaching me in my lane, and scream, “Please don’t hit me!” as they swerved at the very last second into the next lane.  

Sometimes a car or worse, a semi truck, would be in my lane and I could see that there was a vehicle in the next lane that was innocently trapping them in my lane.  I would scream at the top of my lungs, “Oh God, please help me!”  On one such occasion, a semi truck screeched to a halt, a few feet behind me, his tractor shuttering with the braking.

 

I felt so vulnerable, so out of control.  “Father, I don’t want to die!”  “Please save me!”  I would see cars drawing fast behind me and scream at them to not hit me.  In a panic, I crazily continued to wave my rag, and would feel my body tense up waiting for an impact.  “God, take care of me!”  "Oh, God!" “Oh, help me!”

Once again, in a panic I called 911 again and begged them to quickly send someone, thinking my luck was running out.  I figure that I had endured this terror about 6-7 minutes, thinking that it was only a matter of time before someone would fail to see me and would hit my car full speed.  The dispatcher said that someone was on their way.  “Where are they?”  “Oh God, please help me!” (I once again feel the despair I felt and weep as I write this.)

I continued to look in my rearview mirror, terrorized by my situation and knowing there was nothing I could do about it but rely on a merciful God to save me.

When about 10 minutes or so had gone by, I was screaming at the approach of every vehicle, when suddenly I saw the lights on the dashboard flicker.  A few seconds later, feeling utter panic and terror, I saw that the emergency flashers had stopped and my car was now completely dark.  I had no interior light to use and the freeway was not particularly well lit.  I faced the reality that indeed I likely was now going to be hit and killed.  Crying uncontrollably, I was utterly devastated.  "Oh, God!" “Father, I don’t want to die!!!”

As I kept my gaze in the rearview mirror waiting for the inevitable, I suddenly noticed that there weren’t more cars coming.  A few seconds later, I saw that a Highway Patrol car was attempting to do the weaving traffic brake thing.  I was shaking, hoarse, completely overwhelmed by adrenaline.  I broke down.  An unbelievable miracle had just occurred.

The patrolman pulled up behind me, cars in all lanes respectfully stopped to see what he was going to do.  After he walked to talk with me, I did my best to communicate coherently, and he told me to continue to stay in my car and that a tow truck would be arriving shortly, which it did.  The tow truck driver, Mr. Armando Flores, took complete control, instructing me to leave my car while he hitched it up and to sit in his truck cab and try to compose myself, calmly telling me everything was going to be okay.

I could not stop shaking or crying, still overwhelmed by my emotions and adrenaline, but as the minutes past, and he eventually joined me in the cab, this angel continued to do his best to calm my heart and to reassure me that the ordeal was over and that I was safe and sound.  And so I was.

Looking back, through the tears I have felt writing this blogpost and reliving this harrowing experience, I see how I was protected by Providence.  A merciful God was watching over me and was there in my complete and utter extremity.  It was not my time to depart this life; it very easily could have been.  I was sent that Highway Patrolman at the exact time I needed him and then sent Mr. Flores to calm me and assure me.  Praise God from whom all blessings flow!

A Little This, A Little That

For the past five weeks, Ann and I have been “camping” out in our home while our kitchen was being remodeled.  Using paper plates and plastic utensils is fine and fun for awhile (no dishes to clean—although I would routinely rinse them and reuse them, appealing to my thrifty self), it became tiring.  Having to buy lunches or dinners or eat frozen TV dinners also became tiring as well.  

So it was with great relief and gladness to realize that the remodel is finished and we can begin to live/eat normally once again.  Yesterday, the appliances were installed and the kitchen was inspected.   It is great to have a brand new refrigerator and dishwasher, and to have the use of our beautiful O’Keefe and Merritt range/stove again.  Ann cooked some sausage and eggs yesterday for breakfast.  Yummm!!! 

Today I spent time placing stuff in our spiffy new cabinets.  We still need some shelves for one of the new cabinets which will allow us to place the rest of our food in it, which will then give us an idea as to how much of our rarely used stuff (i.e., Japanese dishes) can be placed up high in some of the cabinets.  By the weekend, everything should be finished in the kitchen, furniture in the living and dining rooms put back where they were, and the old refrigerator that has been in the living room placed as a backup in the garage.

I love the look and am particularly proud of the tile backsplash since I designed it. I really like the look of the booth we had made.

Otherwise, last week Ann and I had the blessing of being able to attend BJ’s Rehab facility for a nice dinner.  It is still wondrous to me to see the light in his eyes, in his face, and to hear about his journey.  What was special about the night was that Ann felt comfortable to share with him aspects of her emotional journey that she is on.  There was deep connection, and BJ was pretty overwhelmed (positively) by Ann’s vulnerability and realness.  

Because the three of us are in our own transitions, and are in psychological healing “mode,” we talk the same language which lends itself to incredible clarity, connection, and communication.   I must say that being a part of this experience was special and indeed memorable.

Another Tender Mercy

My father had a heart attack in 1953. My mother had cancer of the colon in 1959. My father developed diabetes along with emphysema in his 60s (from smoking, probably, and had a lung removed), and my mother had a heart attack in her 60s. Their illnesses are my legacy and are very much on my mind (and on the mind of my kids as well).

This morning I had my third colonoscopy.  Even though the doctor discovered some benign polyps three years ago during the second procedure, he gratefully found nothing today. I am taking meds for my Type 1 diabetes and cholesterol in an effort to lengthen my life, and feel greatly blessed that we have great insurance that allows me to take meds and have such procedures done.  I think of all of the people in the world—even some whom I know—that cannot afford such meds and procedures, and I feel great gratitude.

I am attempting to take care of my body and mind.  They are a stewardship given to me by a loving Father.  I am appreciative of the efforts of my wife to take care of her body and mind.  She is a great example for me in that regard. 

    

I do not always do it, but almost every day I thank God for allowing me to live another day, to experience life, to enjoy my senses, to help others, to feel the love of others.  Perhaps it is because of my age (I certainly have not always felt such feelings of gratitude) or because I see others around me struggle with illnesses and accidents, but I am richly blessed. I want to live as long as I can because there is so much more to life that I want to experience through my senses, to learn and understand, to feel.

Switzerland

Singing Praises

The Cathedral of Los Angeles

In an earlier posting, I wrote of my desire to return to singing, and more pointedly, singing in the Southern California Mormon Choir.  That is still an intention because I run a recovery group that meets on the same night as the rehearsals.  However, I was able to attend 1 1/2 rehearsals recently, and the Choir was rehearsing for a performance to be held in the Our Lady of Los Angeles Cathedral in Los Angeles on February 10th.  

I was invited to sing with the SCMC and a couple of dozen other church choirs in that performance.  And so I did!  I was one of about 110 bases and a total of about 600 singers that sang a couple of dozen songs--no LDS hymns at all.

I very much enjoyed the experience on a number of levels.  First, it was fun to sing again professionally and to sing next to my fellow SCMC bass partner, Dr. Lynn McEwan, and sing some low "drop-through-the-floor" bass notes.  Secondly, it was thrilling to sing with such a large chorus of fairly competent singers.  Thirdly, I enjoyed singing to Ann and friend Annette Hammer in the audience.  Fourthly, and perhaps most memorably, I enjoyed singing praises to God.  

I have recognized that other churches always talk and sing about praising God.  I would like for our Church to be more in a "praise" mode, frankly.  As I was singing, I thought of how when the Savior was born in Bethlehem the angels sang in praise of the newborn Child.  I felt that the songs that we were singing likewise praised and pleased God, and that even though Catholics were singing alongside Protestants who were singing alongside Mormons, we were united in our worship of the same God.  It felt right, and it felt good. :) 

The Intersection of Doing & Being

Knowing that some who read my blog do not share my religious beliefs can occasionally present a challenge to me in writing in this forum.  I am a deeply religious man but I attempt to be careful not to impose my beliefs and values on those not of my faith or who may not believe in a Supreme Being.  My religiosity is part of who I am, however, and colors my beliefs and values, and as such what I write about sometimes has religious implications.  I believe there is an overall existential application for the issue I will treat and hope that reading about it will be worthwhile.

As I have more closely been observing politicians in recent years, I have come to the conclusion that many are hypocrites.  Hypocrisy is defined as “a pretense of having virtuous character, moral or religious beliefs or principles, etc., that one does not really possess.”  Another definition is “a pretense of having some desirable or publicly approved attitude.”  The word comes from the Greek hypokrisis, meaning “play acting.”

To my thinking, politicians do a lot of “play acting” and will often say or do things out of expediency to get or stay elected.  It is all a sham.  Their words and actions would have us believe they possess a virtue, a belief, a principle, when in reality they do not.  In other words, in my view, their doing is not congruent with who they really are—their being. 

Harry Reid, a Mormon

It is easy to point a finger at such easy examples/targets, but as the old adage goes, when we point a finger at someone, there are three pointing back at us.  I must ask myself, “are my words and actions—the do part of me--congruent with who I am—the be part of me?”  Or am I also a hypocrite, trying to show some “desirable or publicly approved attitude," whether that public be outside or inside the walls of my home?  And while I introspect, am I congruent when I'm alone?

I believe there is another layer to peel of the do vs. be onion.  If I am not a blatant hypocrite (most of the time), do I fool myself into thinking that simply by doing things that I suppose are good, I am good?      As I try to do good, am I becoming good?

 

Many of us are great at preparing “to do” lists to help us accomplish so much.  How much more difficult is it to prepare a “to be” list?  We like to check off items on our “to do” list.  “To be” lists are trickier and never finished.  I can take Ann out for dinner this Friday, a “to do” that I can remove from the list.  But being a good husband is not a singular event; it needs to be part of who I am.

For me, this discussion has religious implications. I have friends who are not members of my Church who wholeheartedly espouse the doctrine of grace.  They will proverbially point a finger at LDS Church doctrine, accusing us/me of trying to do my way to heaven rather than being saved by grace.  I will admit that on one level they are right to point this out.  We Mormons are all about works. Look at our local and worldwide humanitarian efforts, our weekly institutional and personal devotions, our charitable donations, our efforts to collect and provide genealogical records to the world.  We are probably the most doing Church organization out there, speaking both individually and institutionally.

Mormons Doing Good

 

We sometimes think that if we do enough (and feel guilty/are made to feel guilty when we don’t), God will at length accept all of our doings and admit us into heaven.

Sadly, many sermons uttered at our pulpits seem to focus on doing and few on becoming.  If we are not doing all of the many actions expected of Latter-day Saints, we are essentially told over the pulpit and in lessons to “buck up” and get going, not necessarily taking into consideration the context of our lives nor how we may be becoming in our own ways.  Sermons aand lessons need to also focus on what Christ-like attributes can be developed as we do the many behaviors, the keeping of the commandments, and to recognize that these attributes can sometimes be developed in other ways.  

In two important canons of LDS scripture, the Bible and the Book of Mormon, Mormons believe that Jesus said, “be ye therefore perfect, even as [I or] (Book of Mormon) your Father which is in Heaven is perfect.”  (Matthew 5:48, 3 Nephi 12:48) Italics added.  Christ did not say “do ye therefore perfect”…, he said, “be ye therefore perfect….”   I would posit that the doing that we as members of the LDS Church must be coupled with becoming.  Our actions are not the end but the means to the end of becoming.  It is incumbent upon me and my fellow Saints to not delude ourselves into thinking that keeping the commandments is the end.

One of my favorite scriptures is found in the Book of Mormon is found in Mosiah 3:19.  It reads:

“For the natural man is an enemy to God, and has been from the fall of Adam, and will be, forever and ever, unless he yields to the enticings of the Holy Spirit, and putteth off the natural man and becometh a saint through the atonement of Christ, and becometh as a little child, submissive, meek, humble, patient, full of love, willing to submit to all things which the Lord seeth fit to inflict upon him, even as a child doth submit to his father. (Italics added)

Another favorite scripture is also found in the Book of Mormon in Moroni 7:48:

“Wherefore, my beloved brethren, pray unto the Father with all the energy of heart, that ye may be filled with this love, which He hath bestowed upon all who are true followers of his Son, Jesus Christ; that ye may become the sons [and daughters] of God; that when he shall appear we shall be like Him, for we shall see him as He is; that we may have this hope; that we may be purified even as He is pure. Amen.”

(Italics added)

Having stated this, I will take issue with my ‘saved-by-grace-and-not-by-works” non-LDS brothers and sisters.  If we as members of the LDS Church are so engaged in doing, and as such are becoming, then hopefully we are gradually becoming like Jesus.  That is a big if, but being “anxiously engaged” is a good thing if it leads me to developing Christ-like attributes of love, caring, kindness, long-suffering, gentleness, meekness.

Doing without being portrays a false image to others, while being without doing portrays a false image to ourselves.

The Savior was all about works, ministering, blessing, lifting, teaching, loving those around Him.  He is the perfect example of the intersection of being and doing.  I want to do and become like Him.

HOW TO FORGIVE OTHERS

WHY IS FORGIVENESS HARD?

by Dr. Alex Lickerman, M.D., on February 1, 2010 in Psychology Today

Forgiveness is hard.  But why?  Perhaps for the following reasons:

1. We’re often reluctant to let go of our anger.  One of the main reasons people get angry is to achieve or regain control.  If we still feel harmed in the now—even years after we actually were—we frequently continue to feel angry.  And it’s inherently difficult, if not impossible, to forgive someone with whom we’re still angry.  This is true even if the predominant reason we’re angry isn’t due to frustration at having lost control but in outrage at the injustice committed against us.  But in the same way soft tissue inflammation is helpful only in the first few days after an injury occurs, often causing even more damage than the original injury if it’s allowed to become chronic, anger—no matter what its cause—if allowed to boil without being harnessed to accomplish anything worthwhile, can cause us far more harm than good.
2. We want to satisfy our sense of justice.  Even if we’re not angry, if we believe our offender doesn’t deserve our forgiveness, we may find ourselves withholding it to avoid appearing to condone what they did to us.
3. Forgiveness may feel like letting our offender off the hook without punishment.  Even if we don’t feel that forgiveness implies we condone the injustice committed against us, to release our anger and forgive our offender may feel like letting them get away without being punished, especially if no other punishment is forthcoming.
4. We wish to harm as we’ve been harmed.  An eye for an eye often feels viscerally satisfying (remember, anger must be discharged in a way that feels satisfying).  If we lack the power to deliver actual harm, harboring anger may feel like a second-best option.  Holding a grudge does in a certain sense feel good.
5. They haven’t apologized.  The power of an apology to open the path to forgiveness can’t be overestimated.  Nor can the ability of withholding an apology—of the refusal to acknowledge a wrong was committed—to block it.
6. When someone commits an injustice, we often cease to see or believe they could be capable of any good. We tend to abstract those who harm us, diminishing them from full-fledged human beings into merely “our offenders.”  This enables us to refuse to allow into our conception of them any room for the possibility that they have positive characteristics or have the capability to do good (much in the same way they abstracted our full-fledged humanity into some label that enabled them to harm us in the first place).

WHAT DOES IT MEAN TO FORGIVE?

To my way of thinking, forgiveness involves recognizing that the person who harmed us is more than just the person who harmed us.  He or she is in fact, whether we want to acknowledge it or not, a full-fledged human being whose full dimension isn’t defined by their foolish decision to harm us in some way (as much as we may wish it were).  At its core I believe forgiveness is an acknowledgment that a person who’s harmed us still has the capacity for good.

Forgiveness requires us to view our offender not as malevolent but as confused—so much so that they would actually believe that by harming us they could somehow become happier (though they would almost certainly be incapable of articulating that as the reason).  Secondly, forgiving requires us to let go—of our anger; of our desire to punish or teach a lesson; of our need to harm our harmer; of the notion that by choosing to forgive an offense we’re in some way condoning an unjust action committed against us or committing an injustice ourselves; of the need for an apology; and of the need for our harmer to change.  For in forgiving another their transgression against us, we’re ultimately seeking to free ourselves.  Forgiving, as the saying also goes, doesn’t mean forgetting.  Nor does it have to mean returning the person we’ve forgiven to their former status in our lives.  It means we move on healed from the hurt ! that’s been done to us.

HOW DOES FORGIVING OTHERS BENEFIT US?

1. Forgiving others is the only way to break a cycle of violence (whether physical or otherwise).  As complex as it may be, consider the core reason why the Israeli/Palestinian conflict continues to this day.
2. In order to forgive, we must manifest a life-condition of compassion.  In Nichiren Buddhism this is called the life-condition of the bodhisattva.  A bodhisattva is someone whose most pressing concern lies with the happiness of others.  Attaining this life-condition benefits no one more than it does us, as it is a life-condition of joy.
3. In order to forgive we must let go of our anger.  If we continue to hold onto anger, it often leaks out against others who’ve committed no crime against us, as well as colors all our experiences, often ruining our ability to feel joy in many aspects of life.

FINDING THE COMPASSION TO FORGIVE

In order to muster compassion for one who’s harmed us, we must first believe with our lives that all people originally desire to become happy.  From there we must find a way to realize our offender has simply gone completely awry in their pursuit of their own happiness and pity them as we would a misguided child.  For no matter how sophisticated a person may seem, how confident and wise and successful, how could an intent to harm arise from anything other than a delusion?

The question will naturally arise:  are some people’s crimes so heinous that they don’t merit forgiveness?  Parents who’ve abused us?  Children who’ve rebelled against us?  Spouses who’ve abandoned us?  Friends who’ve betrayed us?  Strangers who harmed us or our loved ones?  Or even tyrants who’ve killed our families?  Is Hitler, for example, forgivable?  Can one forgive a person without forgiving their actions?

I would suggest only this:  that if you find yourself holding onto a grudge against someone who’s grievously harmed you, for you to find a way to forgive them—for you to become the kind of person who can—will not only first and foremost benefit you, but ultimately may have the power to transform the life of the person you’re forgiving.  Not always of course.  But sometimes.  And if it does, in forgiving them you’re not only setting yourself free, you’re actually contributing to something of greater importance, something the world is literally crying out for in more places than you could probably name: 

RESTORING AND REPAIRING

In this posting, I want to briefly discuss a behavior that when used really helps restore relationships, especially with those closest to us.   Not only have I advised clients to consider this, but I have been fairly successful in implementing this behavior in my own relationships.  And while it is initially hard to do—seemingly impossible--when done consistently over a period of time, it yields great results for both individuals.   In a follow-up posting, I will reprint an excellent article I found to help in repairing relationships through forgiveness.

The Emotional Tsunami

When the other person in the relationship does something that upsets us, or says something to us that could be construed as attacking, disrespectful, or does or doesn’t do something that we wanted or didn’t want them to do, our natural response is to experience seemingly overwhelming negative feelings.  We begin to lash out at them verbally or punish them behaviorally.  We emotionally unload on them, often bringing up similar experiences in the past to justify our words and actions. We use qualifiers like “you always” or “you never.”   We feel completely justified in doing so because our perception is that they have been insensitive, or they have been cruel, or they are just plain wrong. 

It should be no surprise that at this point the other person feels “attacked” and becomes defensive.  They feel the need to justify their words or actions, and will likely “counter attack” using similar situations from the past and using strong words and the same qualifiers just used on them.   

Soon, the back and forth escalates and the words and actions become heated, exaggerated, and ugly.   Our faces become distorted and reddened.  We may begin shaking.  At some point, completely exasperated, one or both of the individuals finally breaks down in tears, or punches a hole in a door or wall, or slams the door on the way to their room or out of the home; that is, if the situation has not become violent.   The aftermath is usually miserable and can be full of thoughts of revenge, justifying thoughts and actions, or uncontrollable weeping.  Both people are in a bad place.

Sadly, this sometimes occurs in the presence, or at least in the ear shot, of our children—not to mention other adults who may be in the house, or neighbors.  But all perspective has been lost in the heat of the battle and sensitivity to our surroundings has disappeared.

Not all situations follow this scenario, but some do.  These kinds of interactions can regretfully become routine, with both individuals holding the other responsible for drawing them into the emotional “tornado” vortex.  They become very sensitive to the words or behaviors of the other, looking for something to light their short fuse.  They remember the hurtful feelings, words, and behaviors and will use them against the other person in the future.

Such an all too familiar tsunami scenario had its beginnings with one individual in the relationship feeling upset, attacked, disrespected or misunderstood.   To quote renowned therapist Marcia Ullett, “feelings aren’t facts; they’re just feelings.”  Allowing the feelings can become our default setting and coping mechanism when dealing with special others.  Often, rather than questioning the feeling, we simply surrender to the oncoming wave and let it wash over us.

What I really try to do myself and advise others to do is to “pull back” in the moment when we feel the wave, and not say anything, if only for a very brief period of time.  This “pull back” moment is to temporarily stop the wave from crashing down.  It can be accomplished by physically taking a couple of deep breaths, but mentally or cognitively questioning what is happening.  It can be simply asking ourselves, “does the other person really want to hurt me, based upon their behavior earlier in the day or the week?”  Or “is there something going on in my life or the other’s life right now that is upsetting me or them or putting me or them on edge emotionally?”  Or “is it possible that I have misunderstood or don’t know the whole story?”

Such cognitive pauses in the moment can make a world of difference because we often will realize that the issue may be with us or that we may be making a proverbial mountain out of a mole hill.  The pauses allow us time to just think rather that to just feel.  The pauses help to diffuse potentially emotional land mines that can blast both people to emotional bits.  Such pauses done over time empower us to not be reactionary but to keep the power we would normally surrender to the person who has triggered us.  The pauses send a strong message to the loved one that we are attempting to change, and usually but not necessarily always, allows them to respond in a restorative manner to us.

As stated previously, at first blush this cognitive pause may seem near impossible to do.  But from my personal experience and the experiences of others I’ve worked with, it can be done!  Indeed, it is transformational.  It takes a lot of work and self-awareness, and sometimes failing or falling short of what we would liked to have said or done.   But that is okay.   Successes build on themselves. 

We cannot control others or dictate what they say or do.  But we can control ourselves and dictate what we say or do.  We can keep the power and not give it to another.  And the feeling of not blowing up or emotionally vomiting on our loved one is a fantastic feeling!