Refute-->Rethink-->Rewire, a Cognitive Choice

I have written on this blog about how I/we often think and how often those thoughts can be automatic, often irrational and unwanted.  The concept of thought and feeling control is constantly on my mind because of my schooling, professional, and personal experience.  I talk about it routinely in the work that I do as a psychotherapist, and I personally have struggled, and sometimes still struggle, with controlling my own thoughts and feelings.  Because of my extensive exposure to the issue of habitual, irrational, and unwanted thoughts, it allows my to speak about them both theoretically and as a practical matter.

It was during the course of a recent therapy session that was a follow up session to one in which I attempted to explain aspects of thought and feeling control, that the client attempted to describe what I had explained in his own words.  I was so impressed by his summation that I felt like I needed to write about it on my blog.  

Before articulating what he said, I need to review the concept.  When an particular event or behavior occurs, we often automatically experience some response to it. This response can be physical, emotional, or cognitive (thought)-- or all three, depending upon its nature.  

For example, if I am talking with someone at a party and I accidentally bump their arm and their drink spills, here are some of my possible physical responses:

--Put my drink down and use my napkin or another napkin(s) to mitigate the spill
--Feel a "knot" in my stomach
--Cry (an emotional response as well)

Here are some of my possible emotional responses:

--Embarrassment
--Shame
--Regret

Here are some of my possible cognitive responses:
--Offer an apology
--Berate myself (could also be emotional)
--Express embarrassment (both cognitive and emotional)

Such responses are likely all intertwined and likely not sequential in their occurrence.  They do flood the event.  In most cases, they are involuntary and as such completely automatic.  Based upon my life experiences, I will likely respond without thinking. Interestingly, because we usually remember events that have emotion connected with them, I will likely remember the event for awhile because of the emotional connection.

There may not always be a physical response, but there certainly will almost certainly be an emotional or cognitive reaction to such events.  Sometimes, we feel emotion and then the thought comes; sometimes the thought precedes the emotion, but one will surely follow the other.  And as previously stated, either, both, or all three can, and often do, overwhelm us like a huge wave.  The wave crashes, flooding us with thoughts and feelings that are usually automatic and not necessarily rational.

Refute

If a given event causes unwelcome and unwanted responses, our challenge is to refute the thought(s), to challenge them, to question their validity.  If we do not attempt to refute it, but continue to dwell on it, such an event can lead us to engage in destructive behaviors, whether that be indulging in some addictive behavior, getting very upset with others, or beating ourselves up emotionally, to name just a few negative outcomes.

Refuting these thoughts and feelings is challenging. It is hard work and requires mindfulness as to what is happening.  It requires being painfully honest with ourselves.  It requires facing some of our greatest fears.  It requires us to refute previous assumptions. It requires us to choose to look at ourselves and situations through a new and different lens.

Rethink

Such mindful introspection will hopefully lead us to rethink these unwanted, occasional guests.  Emotions can be overwhelming.  The idea is to go to our cognitive, logical place and remove the emotion(s) attached to a situation.  Part of our mindfulness is to recognize what is happening in the moment. We must look to where it might have come from, likely from our families of origin and growing up years.

Rethinking makes us ask ourselves what benefit it has for us to continue harboring these thoughts and feelings.  We can ask ourselves, "Do I really want to continue to feel this way?"  "What is the benefit of continuing responding like this?  "Do these responses serve a constructive purpose, or are they just "fodder for the cannon?"

And if they are "fodder for the cannon," or in other words, something with which to figuratively shoot ourselves or others, it is a good idea to ask ourselves, "What can happen to me and others if I continue to feel and think this way?"

As with refuting, rethinking is likewise very difficult.  It demands that we be real with ourselves. It demands that we choose to not surrender to the negative thoughts and feelings but instead stay logical and mentally figure out a new strategy.  It demands that we choose to me mindful and observant of how we respond in certain situations.  Situational rethinking can lead to an overall reframing of how we choose to respond to these negatives.

Rewire

There is a growing body of research that treats the subject of "neural plasticity."  This new frontier of brain research is showing that we humans are capable of rewiring the neurological pathways within our brains, no matter our age.  The objective for refuting and rethinking unwanted thoughts and feelings is to begin the process of rewiring.  

As children, we are flooded with the new world around us.  Ultimately, we learn to respond in both positive and negative situations in fairly consistent ways.  In other words, when we experience events over time such as the one described previously, or similar painful experiences, we come to respond to them in predictable, often emotion-filled ways, much like we did as children.  The neurons that over time fire consistently (and instantaneously) come to fire automatically--with little or no thought.  They will involuntarily fire.  

All they need to begin firing in their predictable ways is for us to experience a embarrassing, awkward, or upsetting situation.  Such automatic, ingrained thoughts with accompanying emotions that began years ago, even in our childhood, can still unwillingly fire as adults in these emotion-packed situations.  They are our "default settings," to use computer jargon.

Our brains are full of "default settings."  Many of them come from our "limbic system" deep within the brain.  The "limbic system," sometimes called the reptilian brain, is our instinctual "fight, flight, or freeze" brain function that can serve us well when we're in danger.  But it can also cause havoc, if the default response is unwanted.  

The "pre-frontal cortex," located in the front of the brain, is the judgment part of the brain where choices are made.  This part of the brain can be damaged, and sadly, when we are addicted to a substance or to an addictive behavior, our ability to control and choose becomes greatly reduced.  

In essence, we are "addicted" to our negative feelings and thoughts.  But we can begin the process of rewiring by refuting and rethinking.  We start to empower our minds to act rationally and introspectively, thus taking away the power from our unwanted negative feelings and thoughts. We start to realize that feelings aren't facts, they're just feelings.  We start to believe we have power over them.

By embracing these 3 Rs, we challenge our "default settings."  By choosing to do so, the rewiring process begins.  The change does not occur over night, but change can occur.  We can begin to live without those routine responses. We can begin to take more control over our lives.  We can begin to say "no, I don't want that" to our "limbic brains.  

Refute, rethink, and rewire is a powerful, mindful, cognitive way to take control of your life.  It can be life changing!

RESTORING AND REPAIRING

In this posting, I want to briefly discuss a behavior that when used really helps restore relationships, especially with those closest to us.   Not only have I advised clients to consider this, but I have been fairly successful in implementing this behavior in my own relationships.  And while it is initially hard to do—seemingly impossible--when done consistently over a period of time, it yields great results for both individuals.   In a follow-up posting, I will reprint an excellent article I found to help in repairing relationships through forgiveness.

The Emotional Tsunami

When the other person in the relationship does something that upsets us, or says something to us that could be construed as attacking, disrespectful, or does or doesn’t do something that we wanted or didn’t want them to do, our natural response is to experience seemingly overwhelming negative feelings.  We begin to lash out at them verbally or punish them behaviorally.  We emotionally unload on them, often bringing up similar experiences in the past to justify our words and actions. We use qualifiers like “you always” or “you never.”   We feel completely justified in doing so because our perception is that they have been insensitive, or they have been cruel, or they are just plain wrong. 

It should be no surprise that at this point the other person feels “attacked” and becomes defensive.  They feel the need to justify their words or actions, and will likely “counter attack” using similar situations from the past and using strong words and the same qualifiers just used on them.   

Soon, the back and forth escalates and the words and actions become heated, exaggerated, and ugly.   Our faces become distorted and reddened.  We may begin shaking.  At some point, completely exasperated, one or both of the individuals finally breaks down in tears, or punches a hole in a door or wall, or slams the door on the way to their room or out of the home; that is, if the situation has not become violent.   The aftermath is usually miserable and can be full of thoughts of revenge, justifying thoughts and actions, or uncontrollable weeping.  Both people are in a bad place.

Sadly, this sometimes occurs in the presence, or at least in the ear shot, of our children—not to mention other adults who may be in the house, or neighbors.  But all perspective has been lost in the heat of the battle and sensitivity to our surroundings has disappeared.

Not all situations follow this scenario, but some do.  These kinds of interactions can regretfully become routine, with both individuals holding the other responsible for drawing them into the emotional “tornado” vortex.  They become very sensitive to the words or behaviors of the other, looking for something to light their short fuse.  They remember the hurtful feelings, words, and behaviors and will use them against the other person in the future.

Such an all too familiar tsunami scenario had its beginnings with one individual in the relationship feeling upset, attacked, disrespected or misunderstood.   To quote renowned therapist Marcia Ullett, “feelings aren’t facts; they’re just feelings.”  Allowing the feelings can become our default setting and coping mechanism when dealing with special others.  Often, rather than questioning the feeling, we simply surrender to the oncoming wave and let it wash over us.

What I really try to do myself and advise others to do is to “pull back” in the moment when we feel the wave, and not say anything, if only for a very brief period of time.  This “pull back” moment is to temporarily stop the wave from crashing down.  It can be accomplished by physically taking a couple of deep breaths, but mentally or cognitively questioning what is happening.  It can be simply asking ourselves, “does the other person really want to hurt me, based upon their behavior earlier in the day or the week?”  Or “is there something going on in my life or the other’s life right now that is upsetting me or them or putting me or them on edge emotionally?”  Or “is it possible that I have misunderstood or don’t know the whole story?”

Such cognitive pauses in the moment can make a world of difference because we often will realize that the issue may be with us or that we may be making a proverbial mountain out of a mole hill.  The pauses allow us time to just think rather that to just feel.  The pauses help to diffuse potentially emotional land mines that can blast both people to emotional bits.  Such pauses done over time empower us to not be reactionary but to keep the power we would normally surrender to the person who has triggered us.  The pauses send a strong message to the loved one that we are attempting to change, and usually but not necessarily always, allows them to respond in a restorative manner to us.

As stated previously, at first blush this cognitive pause may seem near impossible to do.  But from my personal experience and the experiences of others I’ve worked with, it can be done!  Indeed, it is transformational.  It takes a lot of work and self-awareness, and sometimes failing or falling short of what we would liked to have said or done.   But that is okay.   Successes build on themselves. 

We cannot control others or dictate what they say or do.  But we can control ourselves and dictate what we say or do.  We can keep the power and not give it to another.  And the feeling of not blowing up or emotionally vomiting on our loved one is a fantastic feeling!