"Find the Bad Guy" Dance

Because I do a lot of work with couples in my marriage and family therapy practice, I often see something known as “Find the Bad Guy.”  It is the dynamic that occurs when both partners are supposedly trying to protect themselves from the other, but really it is mutual attacking, accusation or blame.  I see this dynamic repeatedly.  My intention is to shine a light on it by helping people to understand it and to how to escape from it. 

This “dance” begins when one partner or the other is hurt or feels vulnerable, and one or both feel out of control.  Emotional safety begins to disappear.  The negativity continues as one or both say anything in an attempt to regain control through defining the partner in a negative way.  The receiving partner then reacts angrily.  Soon one or both feels cornered and actually are flooded with fear.  They perceive that something hurtful has been done to them, and do not usually see the impact of their responses on the other.  They forget about what is good in their partnership; they only see that “that you just stepped on my toes.”

Once this negative dance pattern occurs over and over again, a partner will come to expect it, watch for it, and react even quicker in the future when they perceive it is coming.  Subsequently, this reinforces the pattern.  By watching for and anticipating the perceived hurt, we close off all the ways out of this dead-end dance.  The partners find it hard to relax with one another, to let down their guard.  It becomes harder to emotionally connect with the other in a positive way.  The range of responses becomes more restricted as the “Find the Bad Guy” dance becomes more deeply entrenched in their interactions.

When a partner is attacking or counterattacking, they try to put their feelings aside.  After repeated occurrences, positive feelings get completely lost and the couple itself becomes lost.  The relationship becomes more unsatisfying and unsafe as partners begin viewing the other as uncaring or even defective.  Soon this pattern becomes habitual and deeply rooted, and the dance becomes almost automatic, and starts going in a “circle”:  the more one attacks, the more dangerous they appear to the other, and the more the other partner watches for the attack, the harder they hit back.  Round and round they go. 

This negative pattern is caustic and can destroy a marriage.  The only way to stop the dance and to restore safety and trust is to recognize that no one has to be the villain, to be the bad guy.  It doesn’t matter who started the dance or who is right or which details are true.  The pattern needs to be recognized as “The Bad Guy,” not the couple.  The dance is the villain and the partners are the victims.

If a couple really wants to say “enough,” they must recognize the pattern.  They both must be weary of the bickering and the drama.  They need to:

• ·         Attempt to stay in the present and focus on what is happening in the “here and now”
• ·         Attempt to not use past behaviors to justify present perceptions
• ·         Try to break the pattern of mind-reading, blaming, or assuming motives of the partner
• ·         Look at the pattern or the dance as a circular dance, fed by criticism and even contempt, realizing that there is no true “start” to a circle
• ·         Consider the alternative of continuing to do the “Find the Bad Guy” dance

I hope that this posting helps some couple out there.  Partners don’t need to do this dance anymore.

RESTORING AND REPAIRING

In this posting, I want to briefly discuss a behavior that when used really helps restore relationships, especially with those closest to us.   Not only have I advised clients to consider this, but I have been fairly successful in implementing this behavior in my own relationships.  And while it is initially hard to do—seemingly impossible--when done consistently over a period of time, it yields great results for both individuals.   In a follow-up posting, I will reprint an excellent article I found to help in repairing relationships through forgiveness.

The Emotional Tsunami

When the other person in the relationship does something that upsets us, or says something to us that could be construed as attacking, disrespectful, or does or doesn’t do something that we wanted or didn’t want them to do, our natural response is to experience seemingly overwhelming negative feelings.  We begin to lash out at them verbally or punish them behaviorally.  We emotionally unload on them, often bringing up similar experiences in the past to justify our words and actions. We use qualifiers like “you always” or “you never.”   We feel completely justified in doing so because our perception is that they have been insensitive, or they have been cruel, or they are just plain wrong. 

It should be no surprise that at this point the other person feels “attacked” and becomes defensive.  They feel the need to justify their words or actions, and will likely “counter attack” using similar situations from the past and using strong words and the same qualifiers just used on them.   

Soon, the back and forth escalates and the words and actions become heated, exaggerated, and ugly.   Our faces become distorted and reddened.  We may begin shaking.  At some point, completely exasperated, one or both of the individuals finally breaks down in tears, or punches a hole in a door or wall, or slams the door on the way to their room or out of the home; that is, if the situation has not become violent.   The aftermath is usually miserable and can be full of thoughts of revenge, justifying thoughts and actions, or uncontrollable weeping.  Both people are in a bad place.

Sadly, this sometimes occurs in the presence, or at least in the ear shot, of our children—not to mention other adults who may be in the house, or neighbors.  But all perspective has been lost in the heat of the battle and sensitivity to our surroundings has disappeared.

Not all situations follow this scenario, but some do.  These kinds of interactions can regretfully become routine, with both individuals holding the other responsible for drawing them into the emotional “tornado” vortex.  They become very sensitive to the words or behaviors of the other, looking for something to light their short fuse.  They remember the hurtful feelings, words, and behaviors and will use them against the other person in the future.

Such an all too familiar tsunami scenario had its beginnings with one individual in the relationship feeling upset, attacked, disrespected or misunderstood.   To quote renowned therapist Marcia Ullett, “feelings aren’t facts; they’re just feelings.”  Allowing the feelings can become our default setting and coping mechanism when dealing with special others.  Often, rather than questioning the feeling, we simply surrender to the oncoming wave and let it wash over us.

What I really try to do myself and advise others to do is to “pull back” in the moment when we feel the wave, and not say anything, if only for a very brief period of time.  This “pull back” moment is to temporarily stop the wave from crashing down.  It can be accomplished by physically taking a couple of deep breaths, but mentally or cognitively questioning what is happening.  It can be simply asking ourselves, “does the other person really want to hurt me, based upon their behavior earlier in the day or the week?”  Or “is there something going on in my life or the other’s life right now that is upsetting me or them or putting me or them on edge emotionally?”  Or “is it possible that I have misunderstood or don’t know the whole story?”

Such cognitive pauses in the moment can make a world of difference because we often will realize that the issue may be with us or that we may be making a proverbial mountain out of a mole hill.  The pauses allow us time to just think rather that to just feel.  The pauses help to diffuse potentially emotional land mines that can blast both people to emotional bits.  Such pauses done over time empower us to not be reactionary but to keep the power we would normally surrender to the person who has triggered us.  The pauses send a strong message to the loved one that we are attempting to change, and usually but not necessarily always, allows them to respond in a restorative manner to us.

As stated previously, at first blush this cognitive pause may seem near impossible to do.  But from my personal experience and the experiences of others I’ve worked with, it can be done!  Indeed, it is transformational.  It takes a lot of work and self-awareness, and sometimes failing or falling short of what we would liked to have said or done.   But that is okay.   Successes build on themselves. 

We cannot control others or dictate what they say or do.  But we can control ourselves and dictate what we say or do.  We can keep the power and not give it to another.  And the feeling of not blowing up or emotionally vomiting on our loved one is a fantastic feeling!