Seeing vs. Hearing

Am I the only person that has asked himself, "if you had to choose between losing your sense of sight or losing your sense of hearing, which would you choose?"  Maybe.  Maybe not.  Have you?  Which would you choose, if forced to make that choice?

I have asked myself that theoretical question many times in my adult life.  Perhaps I have done it because of my extreme nearsightedness, and yearly needing to get my eyes checked, not to mention wearing glasses since age 5.  Perhaps I have done it because of my love for music and the fact that my ability to hear clearly has deteriorated as I have aged, and I must now wear hearing aids.  But do I value more of what I see than what I hear?

Because music has played such an important role in my life, I have often thought that I could do without seeing.  After all, I have thought, haven't I seen tens or hundreds of thousands of beautiful images and that perhaps I have seen enough?  If someone were to describe a scene to me, couldn't I imagine in my mind's eye what they were describing, and that would be sufficient?  Couldn't I compensate for the inability to see with a heightened sense of hearing?  Couldn't I touch something or someone and get a general idea of what it/they looked like?

But then, couldn't I likewise say that I have heard thousands or tens of thousands of voices, heard ten or hundreds of thousands of sounds and musical pieces?  Couldn't I say that I've heard enough?  Couldn't someone tell me that they were listening to a crow make a cawing sound, or listening to Beethoven's 9th Symphony, or If I Fell by the Beatles, and recreate that sound/those sounds in my head?

Anyone who has followed Red In Transition for any period of time would realize that I am very involved with my senses.  I have posted numerous pictures, both what I have found online as well has from my own photography. I place a picture at the top of every posting, if not multiple pictures in the body. I have posted three different lists of Top 40 Songs, have posted a video about "Only the Black Keys" which is about music, and commented about wanting to become involved once again in the Southern California Mormon Choir after a few years' absence.  Toward the end of 2013, I almost combined both when I posted pictures of the lyrics of a children's song that deals with the wonder of our senses.

I must admit that at this point of my life, I would greatly mourn the loss of either of these senses.  It would be much easier to give up smelling, touching, or tasting, although I love those God-given gifts as well.

But if for any reason I had to make that terrible choice, as of April, 2014, I think I have transitioned and that I would surrender my hearing.  When I consider the years I have left in mortality, there is much more that I want to experience, and frankly, there is more I want to see than what I want to hear.

I am so very grateful that as of today I have both senses, imperfect as they now are.  Who knows what will happen tomorrow, or years from now?  Today, I will listen to speech, animal sounds, and music, and I will see the blue of the sky, the black of Suki's fur, and the face of the woman I love.

Expectations--From My Perspective

Twice last year, I came awfully close to losing my life; the stalling of my car on a night freeway and the other in a head-on collision.  Last year, I lost a friend in a bicycle accident with a car.  A number of significant public figures from my life passed away in 2013.  Both of my siblings and their spouses are in their 70s, and I would like for them to have another 20 years, but I have no say if that will happen or not.

In 2014, I turn 60.  That is not particularly old now in the 21st Century, but it is not young either.  I'm trying to watch my cholesterol, my weight, my medication-controlled pre-diabetes.  I exercise, and get regular physical and dental checkups in an effort to take care of my body.  I travel in my car around 350 miles a week, which while not the great number of miles I have traveled in my employment in the past, it is still a significant number of miles, and miles in which there is always the possibility of being in an accident, perhaps a fatal accident.

Some might say that I am becoming obsessed with dying.  Perhaps.  But I would like to frame it in another way.  I see myself as being obsessed with living.  I desperately want to live for a long time, whatever age that is.  Secure in my religious beliefs, I am not afraid to die, and actually I look forward to it.  But not yet.  Not now.

Because I don't know whether at my next physical check-up the doctor will find a cancerous lump and tell me I have six months to live, or if some drunk driver will t-bone my car as I innocently go through an intersection, I am grateful each day that something terrible did not happen to me in my past.  Again, those ideas might be viewed as morbid, but I see them as not having an expectation--taking the day for granted, if you will--that I will be alive tomorrow.  When I do wake up and realize I am still around, I feel a great sense of happiness and appreciation--each day. Indeed, in my personal religious observance, I express my desire to God and plead with Him to live another day--I just don't expect it.

I believe, and have written about this, that gratitude and happiness are inextricably connected.  It has been my experience that the happiest people are those who are the most grateful.  Conversely, those who do not feel gratitude are often unhappy.  Look at yourself or those around you, and notice if the happiest people around you are the most grateful.  And I my opinion, being happy does not necessarily mean you constantly wear a smile (although you might!), but rather, you feel a contentment or peace that, at that particular moment, life is pretty good!

I want to connect gratitude and happiness with expectations.  To use my example above, If I expect to live through tomorrow, I may feel grateful tomorrow night, but over time, I will begin to take it for granted.  It is just human nature.  As I begin to take for granted or expect that I will live each day, my appreciation for that gift will likely diminish.  As my gratitude diminishes for this gift because I have come to expect it, I likely won't be as happy or contented as I was when I was more appreciative.

What I am proposing is that reducing one's expectations significantly enhances one's gratitude, and as such, one's happiness or contentment or peace.  

Does that mean that one should have no expectations at all?  We can have the expectation or take for granted that the sun will rise tomorrow--something virtually inevitable, because of the rotation of the earth.  This certitude can exist in some areas of natural life as well, but there can be no certitude in the uncertainty of human life.  We certainly do not have full control over most of the important things in life--our health and the health of those around us, whether we'll get a job we desire, or, in my example above, how long I (or any of my loved ones) will live.

We can control whether we give our best effort; we control whether we act appropriately or not.  Given health and ability, we can also control the quality of our work.  We have free will, or agency.  But we only have control over those matters over which we have complete control. especially matters of human behavior.  Even then, we should have fewer expectations of others' behaviors than of our own.

What about the future?  We can and should have goals, hopes, and ambitions for ourselves, and I believe it is acceptable to make appropriate demands on others, such as fidelity from a spouse or honest work from an employee.  But those really aren't expectations.

So what about expectations of our spouses?  Other than expecting fidelity and no abuse of one another in any form, I believe that should be minimal expectations--we have no control over their behavior.  The more we expect from a spouse, the more likely we are to take them for granted, and the more likely we will not feel grateful for all of the good things they do for us.  Taking a spouse for granted and not feeling or expressing gratitude for them places great stress on the relationship.

So what about expectations of our children?  We should have great hopes for our children.  We should help set goals with them.  We can and should make certain demands on our children because they need them, like doing homework.  But I feel we ought to maintain modest expectations of them, for their sakes.  They ought to be seen as autonomous human beings, not extensions of us.  Unintentionally or intentionally seeing them as a "Mini-Me" can cause them great harm.  That is done out of our own needs and not of theirs; it springs from our own unresolved issues.  Likewise, some parents give their children so much that their offspring come to expect more and more, depriving them of developing their ability to learn gratitude--because they won't feel it.

Also, keeping expectations of our children to a minimum reduces gratuitous disappointment when they decide to not do what we expected of them.  There are so many parents that live sad, ungrateful lives because they had such high expectations of their children who have "disappointed" them and have allowed this disappointment to darken their lives.

Simply stated, expectations are impediments to happiness.  When expectations are unfulfilled they cause gratuitous pain, and when they are fulfilled, they diminish gratitude, the most important element in happiness.  I am really trying to keep my expectations at a bare minimum, and only have them when I have control over the results.  I desire to be grateful because when I am grateful, I am happy, contented, and at peace.

   

The 99th Posting -- A Time of Gratitude and Reflection

Today is Thanksgiving Day in the US.  Among the many blessings that I will acknowledge today is the blessing of this Blog.  It is a blessing for me to have an outlet for my thoughts and feelings.  Reportedly, it has been a blessing for a number of people around the world who have benefited from my writing.  Since this posting is the 99th, the 1st written in July of 2011, I have wanted to let my readers know statistically at this milestone about RED in Transition.

Here are some statistics about its readership:

• As of today, there have been 11,914 views over the past 28 months. Compared to other blogs out there, that is small potatoes, but for me, that represents an incredible amount.
• It is read by people in the following countries: US (of course), Russia, United Kingdom, Canada, Australia, Malaysia, Germany, Poland, Latvia, Ukraine.  They represent the Top 10 in number of hits.  
• RED in Transition has also been read by people in Philippines, China, Uruguay, Hong Kong, New Zealand, Pakistan, Namibia, Italy, Denmark, Estonia, Norway, Brazil, India, Ireland, Switzerland, Hungary, Belarus, Sweden, Brunei, Columbia, South Korea, France, and Barbados.  WOW!
• The Top Ten most read postings are:  1) Irrational Thinking Patterns (by far the most read), 2) Refute-->Rethink-->Rewire: A Cognitive Choice, 3) A New Commandment I Give Unto You, 4) Elder Bednar Spring 2013 Conference Address -- Grace, 5) Good-bye, Stan, 6) Eddie's 24-Hour Diary, 7) Confessions of a Mormon Bishop, 8) Sorry--Your Family & Friends Can't Come to Your Mormon Wedding, 9) Trying to Let Go, and 10) For a Second Time.  You can access them by clicking on Popular Posts to the right -->.

Please know, dear readers, that I love to write in this blog.  I am grateful that you would think it worth your while to read.  I try to be real, putting out to the blogosphere what I am experiencing and what I am learning.  

Some of my most popular postings have been of an instructive nature.  I write about concepts that I have learned and which I  believe can benefit others, particularly those with whom I associate in my career as a psychologist.  I have wondered if I should have a blog strictly about my life experiences and transitions, and another blog comprised of topics of a psychological nature.  We'll see.

For those members of the LDS Church, I have been reading the Book of Mormon again in 2013 and have been keeping a journal in which I reflect on what I am reading.  My intention is to finish proofreading it in December and then put it on the blogosphere.  It will be known as RED Book of Mormon Journal, and I believe it will be worthwhile to read.

The future holds new experiences, new thoughts and feelings, new opportunities to try to make sense of life.  I am literally in transition, and it is exciting!

Blessings For Others and For Me

      Maybe it’s just my outlook on life.  Maybe I’m just getting more philosphical     in my advancing years. Maybe I just feel privileged to be alive.  But now that it has been nearly three weeks since the auto accident that could’ve taken my life, I feel the need to reflect on the blessings that I and others have received as a result of my misfortune.  This posting will be divided into two parts: the blessings others have received, and the blessings I have received. 

I want to thank so many folks who have sent warm wishes and thoughts to me in a variety of ways as well as those who have prayed   on my behalf and have placed my name on temple prayer rolls, something that LDS people do which accesses the faith and prayers of those attending the temple.   And most of all, I wish to thank God for preserving my life—again—and now for beginning the    process of healing my body.

OTHERS 

-    Given the opportunity to think about someone besides themselves

·    Given the opportunity to feel empathy or sympathy and thus be concerned about me, or the opportunity to be concerned that someone they know is concerned about me

·    Given the chance to offer service by sending cards, flowers, dinners, visiting me, or calling me

·    Given the chance to reflect on the fragility of life

·    Given the chance to appreciate what it’s like to not feel physical pain or soreness

·    Given the opportunity to realize how blessed/lucky not to have been involved in such an accident

·    Given the chance to verbally interact with friends, associates,  or family about me and my situation, and often with Ann

·    Given a reason, or yet another reason, to connect with God on my behalf, through prayer or fasting

MYSELF

·    Given the opportunity to learn to be dependent, to rely on others, to feel gratitude

·    Given the chance to realize how blessed I was to have good auto and health insurance

·    Given the opportunity to see how well our health system can work and how well trained doctors and nurses can be

·    Given the opportunity to see how well first responders do in such a triage situation 

·    Given the realization of how blessed I am to live in a country in which there are first responders that arrived quickly

·    Given to be able to access pain control medication

·    Given to know again that physical suffering allows me to appreciate the times when I don’t feel pain or soreness

·    Given to know how much suffering I saw in the hospital and how blessed that I only had some fractured ribs with some bumps and bruises

·    Given the realization that God preserved my life and has allowed me to continue living

·    Given to know again how God is involved in the details of my life and the lives of others

·    Given to know again the power of Priesthood prayer

·    Given to know again the power of my personal prayer

·    Given to know the blessing of having friends and family who are concerned about me

·    Given to know again the constant, unwavering love and caring of my siblings and their spouses

·    Given to know again the constant, unwavering love and caring of my children, and my grandchildren for “Mumpa” or “Pumpa”

·    Given to realize again how blessed I am to have such a wonderful, caring, protective, thoughtful wife

All of these blessings occurred to quite a few people because one person was distracted for a brief few seconds by a stinging wasp and ventured unknowingly and unwillingly into my car’s path.  I have no doubt but that God knew that was going to happen, since I have faith that He is all knowing.  He must have known that the person whose vehicle hit mine, his family, along with my family, friends, acquaintances and people who know of me but who do not know me personally--and I--needed some of the blessings listed above.  What a loving, gracious, merciful God He is!

·       

Appreciating the Common and Mundane

I've written about this before, but it light of what I am in the middle of experiencing because of my accident, I feel compelled to again write about feeling gratitude for simple things.  It seems necessary that we as mortals, and I in particular, need to be reminded at times of what I either have or don't have,

Some twenty years ago, I was taken to the ER of a local hospital in Utah unable to swallow anything but a small trickle of saliva.  I was placed in Intensive Care, diagnosed with Epiglottitis, an inflammation of the epiglottis, which is valvelike structure that covers the larynx to prevent water and food from entering.  I remember how terrifying it was to not be able to swallow, and I was administered heavy drugs to keep me from needing to swallow.  Some 48 hours later, I was released from IC and sent home, able to swallow again.  I remember that scary experience and will often make a swallowing motion to thank God for the blessing of simply being able to swallow.

In my adult life, I have twice had kidney stones.  For much of humanity, kidneys and other human organs perform their proper function without so much as a thought.  I'm not 100% sure exactly what a pancreas or gall bladder does, but for me they have simply gone about working to keep my healthy.  When those stones formed and began to descend down my urethra, scraping the interior walls and thus causing incredibly intense pain, the functioning of my kidneys came to be front and center.  About the one-half the size of my pinky fingernail, they caused such exquisite pain that I had to be injected with morphine.  I remember those scary experiences and will often thank God for the functioning of these organs, some of which I'm not even sure what they're doing.

My nephew Taylor is unable to turn his palms upward because of a birth defect. Looking at him as he eats, I notice how he has developed strategies which for him have become mindless as how to hold and position his utencils to facilitate the eating motion.  I have noticed how he performs other tasks with his palms downward that you and I would normally do with palms upward.  He has learned to play the piano because it is played with palms downward.  He learned to play the trombone and learned how to play lacrosse because they are activities that can be done with palms downward or pivoted 90 degrees.  I remember his birth defect and will occasionally rotate my palms upward and downward to thank God for something so common place.

So in October of 2013, I am recovering from a serious auto accident.  I am unable to take a deep breath, I cannot stand up or sit down or lie down without much pain and effort, it is very difficult to clean myself after using the restroom, I cannot reach down to the floor, I have had to sleep pretty much sitting up, and I am constantly in pain, albeit at a 4 or 5 level on a scale of 1 to 10, 10 being the highest.  I cannot twist my torso, I cannot walk very fast, I cannot work.  I live in fear of hiccuping, coughing, and stumbling.

But I can breathe.  Today I took a nap lying on my side even though I felt some discomfort.  I have been able to take sauntering walks with my wife.  I am able to eat what I normally eat.  I can now take a shower alone, and except for putting on socks and shoes, I can now clothe myself.  I can embrace my wife, although somewhat gingerly, and she can embrace me, although in spite of trying not to cause me any pain, she will occasionally squeeze me just a wee bit too much.  I can laugh a little, but I must watch myself to not get guffawing too heartily.

There will come a time in the future when I hopefully will have recovered from this painful physical trauma.  I want to clearly remember what I am unable to do now that I will be able to do then.  My desire will be to feel gratitude for being able to perform those common, mundane actions even when they have become common and mundane.

Flowers and Rocks

As I have written previously, one activity that gives me great joy is singing. I enjoy listening to choral singing, and I love to sing.  I have also written previously about my evolving photography talent and how much enjoyment that continues to provide me.  Likewise, one of the first postings on my blog was about yet another thing that I love to do: travel--and activity that I have been doing quite a bit of this summer, and one that I will do again within the next two weeks.  I will be going to San Antonio, Texas, to witness the graduation of my son Douglas from Army Medic Training.

A part of nature that I am beginning to enjoy more is flowers. Specifically, besides the pleasure I get from noticing them or stopping to smell them, I recently took an "ikebana" class.  Ikebana is japanese flower arranging, and having been exposed to it while living in Japan so many years ago, I am interested in learning more about it.  Like any other art form, it can be enjoyed on a simple level, but it can be very complex.  I would like to enjoy doing it without initially getting into its complexities and plan on taking more classes; I simply don't have the flexibility to dedicate great amounts of time to it.

Besides arranging flowers, last summer I purchased a plumeria bush/tree and planted it earlier this year.  Ever since I discovered this exquisite looking flower with an even more exquisite scent, I cannot get enough. This flower is often used in Hawaiian leis.  Each day as I make my way from the garage to the doorway of my home, I pass by this beauty and make the time to enjoy its splendor and smell its delicious scent.  I am deciding where I can plant other plumeria.

I love landscapes and really take pleasure in photographing them.  But I have always been fascinated on a micro level by rocks that are part of that landscape.  Often when I am hinking, I will look for rocks that are unusual, and at the risk of sounding a little weird, rocks that "speak" to me--that I feel I want to take with me.  I have amassed a little collection of them that I keep in the back yard and which I visit routinely to connect with them.  

I believe that God's creations have some essence or spirit to them, and extension of His love.  I believe that He organized or created this beautiful world that I inhabit, and I glory in them.  Flowers and rocks are part His love.

Corey Peter Miller

He left his home in Queens that morning to take the train into the City.  Heading for his job there as a supply manager, he might have been thinking about what needed to be done that day.  Or he may have been worried about his widowed mother or younger sister, Cara, who has cerebral palsy.  Perhaps he might have been thinking about Stacy Rosen, his fiancée.  Or he could have been planning to attend a hockey game with some of his friends.

After he had logged on at work at the multi-national investment firm, he settled in and began working.  He may have thought about how he needed to keep working to enable him and Stacy to buy an apartment and get it set up.  But Corey Peter Miller had no idea what he soon would be thinking about.  He would be experiencing overwhelming fear and terror as he faced his imminent demise.  Those feelings were his and almost 3,000 others that morning of September 11, 2001 in the World Trade Center.

I’m not sure how much control he had over the circumstances of his survival that fateful day.  I thought about him and those were killed or who died as I visited Ground Zero last week.   I experienced and wrote about the potential of my own unexpected death in a recent posting, I came to feel then in some way what it might be like to know that you might soon die, and as I walked around the two fountains there that occupy the space where the Twin Towers stood, reading the names of the dead, I felt a knot in my stomach as I considered their fates. 

I started crying as I silently strolled around the fountains.  Thinking back on that warm Friday afternoon  last week, I wonder if I was not only crying for them but also for myself.  Corey Peter Miller and others had their lives snuffed out with no regard as to their future lives and plans.  I realized once again how dear my life is to me, how desperately I want to keep living,

Like my tears and those of many others, the fountains starkly flow downward on all four sides of the squares then fall again into smaller squares where the water disappears—like they did.  Even though I have faith that existence does not end in death—I’m not sure whether or not Corey Peter Miller did—I am still overwhelmed by how fragile we are.   I realized again how wonderful it is to live another day.

WANTING TO WANT

When I was quite young, my mother developed colon cancer and as a result had a colostomy in which her bowel was rerouted to a stoma on the side front of her body.  This radical surgery apparently not only traumatized her (she reportedly had a nervous breakdown as a result and took anti-depressants for the rest of her life) but also my father.  I don’t know if prior to the operation and breakdown her nature was to be very emotionally needy, but she definitely was afterward, and he did not respond well to her neediness.  I was too young to really absorb what was occurring in their relationship at the time, but in retrospect, there seems to have been little or no emotional intimacy between them when I was growing up. 

As a result of my mother’s neediness, she looked to the only other person physically near her who could satisfy it: me.  My brother and sister were both married, and I was her dutiful “baby” who would do just about whatever she wanted. I was an obedient, good boy by nature and an ideal foil for her neediness. When there was a behavior that she wanted from me that I did not want to do, she would often say, “I’ll just go and eat worms.”  I didn’t fully understand this dynamic at the time; I just wanted to please my mother because she was my mother.  (As I write this, I feel tremendous sadness, and I feel tears welling up in my eyes.)  I didn’t know any better.  

The result of this emotional manipulation combined with being tender hearted by nature and not wanting her or anybody else to suffer, was to set me on a life course of putting others’ emotional needs before mine, and being willing to always give up what I want for the wants of others.  It further means that I have gone through most of my adult life flailing about trying to figure out what I want, what I can feel passionate about.

No wonder that I went through university not really knowing what I wanted to study and major in, finally settling on Spanish and Teaching English as a Second Language to give me employment options to help me find a career that I really wanted.  No wonder that I have spent my entire post-university life in a career that is easy (too easy) and safe that was put in my lap by my father.  No wonder I looked through the years for other career possibilities (teaching, tourism, self-employment) only to settle for what was known and provided a constant supply of funds for my family.  

I have to acknowledge that my life has not been completely void of want or passion.  I have wanted to have a good marriage, and in my own codependent way (at times) I have tried to provide emotional constancy and support to Ann.  Sadly, it has sometimes been at the expense of behaviors I probably wanted.  I have been passionate about my religiosity, and through the years I have felt joy in learning Gospel truths and serving others in my various lay service capacities.  I have wanted to be reliable to my children, wanting them to always know that their father loves them no matter what.  I have pursued my musical hobbies which have brought me great joy and satisfaction.  I have been passionate about staying informed about current events.  I have wanted to maintain friendships with male friends through the years and have been successful doing so.  I am passionate in my appreciation for the beauties of nature (just look at some of my blog postings!)

Because I have sensed a lack of want and passion in my life, I have in recent times attempted to pay more attention to those feelings of want and passion. Since I grew up fairly poor, I have felt the want to be freer with money.  Because I have not been able to sing regularly the past few years I have begun to spend as much time as possible with the Southern California Mormon Choir (I am singing with them in performance early this Easter morning).  I asked for and received a camera for Christmas and I am endeavoring to become a more adept photographer, a talent I have always wanted but let slip by.  I love writing this blog, and feel great passion as a write in it.  I feel great passion when I am surrounded by nature, involving all of my senses.  Perhaps most significantly, I have been allowing myself to assert myself in my marriage, often doing what I want to do and not acquiescing to what Ann necessarily wants or would like.

Thus, having felt some passion as I have transitioned through my life, and feeling more passion and want now than I have ever felt, I am confronted now with existential dilemmas.  I really enjoy my life presently, especially the new awakenings of want that I am feeling.  Anybody who has been reading my blog should be able to sense my heartfelt gratitude for my life and just how blessed I feel.  It is a comfortable place (a couple of people who know me well might say, “too comfortable”).  I feel great contentedness for what is my life, humbled that I am so fortunate (those same couple of people might say, “too contented”)

 

So am I deceiving myself?  Am I opting for comfort when discomfort is what passionate/wanting people feel?  Should I always be angry with my mother? Is feeling contented really a good thing?  Is my comfort and contentment just repeating the same, well-known behavior of accepting what my circumstances are, or are my gradual forays into wanting and passion enough?   Am I rationalizing, or am I paying too much attention to what some people who know me well are suggesting to me, surrendering myself once again to persons outside of me?  If I want something I’ve never had before, then must I have to do something I’ve never done? Am I rigid in my religiosity, of thinking that I have found truth and that I am so blessed and that I am in a pretty good place and is that keeping me from feeling—from wanting and from passion—and do I find virtue in that?  Is constantly wanting a virtue?  What is enough? Does wanting ever end and contentment begin?  Am I just copping out?

This is really hard for me to navigate.  Transitions can be uncomfortable….