Paxman Family Reunion - July 2014 #2

Although we watched some movies at the reunion, and went swimming, not to mention the disc golf we played, the canoeing, watching 4th of July fireworks, and eating ourselves silly, the greatest thing about this reunion was the chance to reconnect.  It was a blessing to see three of my four children and five of my six grandchildren in one place.  It was wonderful to see my brother-in-law Rick and his wife Amy, and their son Scott and daughter Suzy.  It was great to see my sister-in-law Jill and her husband Richard Lin, and their sons Philip and his wife Carolina, and Timothy. And it is always a blessing to spend some time with my great wife, away from our day-to-day activities.

It was also a blessing for cousins to be able to hang out with other cousins, and aunts and uncles--from young to old.  This reunion gave us all the opportunity to spend time together that is so difficult to do since all of us aew literally spread across the country.  

Here are a few meaningful pictures (to me) of some people I love.  They made this reunion the wonderful time it was.  Thanks to Rick and Amy for hosting this shindig. 

Emily, Rick and Jill (and Richard Lin hidden)

BJ, Rebecca, and Cousin Scott

Sisters with Mustaches

BJ and Rebecca, together

Interestingly, I turned 60 on June 4th.  My sister-in-law Jill turned 60 eight days before me.  My other sister-in-law Amy turns 60 later in the summer. One from each of the three Paxman sibling marriages turns 60 this summer.

To celebrate, we had a dress up party, complete with a "60" pinyata (I couldn't to a tilde over the n) for the kids, party hats, and birthday cake. This party produced the first darling photo of the Johnson grandchildren at the other posting, plus the mustaches.

My wife had dug up some pictures of me from old scrapbooks at the request of my children.  The pics were compiled along with memories of their dad, and presented to me during the party.  I was pleased and touched by what they did.  

Happy Birthday to Me!

What a wonderful week! We made some preliminary plans for our next soiree in a couple of years.  I can't wait...!

"Find the Bad Guy" Dance

Because I do a lot of work with couples in my marriage and family therapy practice, I often see something known as “Find the Bad Guy.”  It is the dynamic that occurs when both partners are supposedly trying to protect themselves from the other, but really it is mutual attacking, accusation or blame.  I see this dynamic repeatedly.  My intention is to shine a light on it by helping people to understand it and to how to escape from it. 

This “dance” begins when one partner or the other is hurt or feels vulnerable, and one or both feel out of control.  Emotional safety begins to disappear.  The negativity continues as one or both say anything in an attempt to regain control through defining the partner in a negative way.  The receiving partner then reacts angrily.  Soon one or both feels cornered and actually are flooded with fear.  They perceive that something hurtful has been done to them, and do not usually see the impact of their responses on the other.  They forget about what is good in their partnership; they only see that “that you just stepped on my toes.”

Once this negative dance pattern occurs over and over again, a partner will come to expect it, watch for it, and react even quicker in the future when they perceive it is coming.  Subsequently, this reinforces the pattern.  By watching for and anticipating the perceived hurt, we close off all the ways out of this dead-end dance.  The partners find it hard to relax with one another, to let down their guard.  It becomes harder to emotionally connect with the other in a positive way.  The range of responses becomes more restricted as the “Find the Bad Guy” dance becomes more deeply entrenched in their interactions.

When a partner is attacking or counterattacking, they try to put their feelings aside.  After repeated occurrences, positive feelings get completely lost and the couple itself becomes lost.  The relationship becomes more unsatisfying and unsafe as partners begin viewing the other as uncaring or even defective.  Soon this pattern becomes habitual and deeply rooted, and the dance becomes almost automatic, and starts going in a “circle”:  the more one attacks, the more dangerous they appear to the other, and the more the other partner watches for the attack, the harder they hit back.  Round and round they go. 

This negative pattern is caustic and can destroy a marriage.  The only way to stop the dance and to restore safety and trust is to recognize that no one has to be the villain, to be the bad guy.  It doesn’t matter who started the dance or who is right or which details are true.  The pattern needs to be recognized as “The Bad Guy,” not the couple.  The dance is the villain and the partners are the victims.

If a couple really wants to say “enough,” they must recognize the pattern.  They both must be weary of the bickering and the drama.  They need to:

• ·         Attempt to stay in the present and focus on what is happening in the “here and now”
• ·         Attempt to not use past behaviors to justify present perceptions
• ·         Try to break the pattern of mind-reading, blaming, or assuming motives of the partner
• ·         Look at the pattern or the dance as a circular dance, fed by criticism and even contempt, realizing that there is no true “start” to a circle
• ·         Consider the alternative of continuing to do the “Find the Bad Guy” dance

I hope that this posting helps some couple out there.  Partners don’t need to do this dance anymore.

A Little This, A Little That

For the past five weeks, Ann and I have been “camping” out in our home while our kitchen was being remodeled.  Using paper plates and plastic utensils is fine and fun for awhile (no dishes to clean—although I would routinely rinse them and reuse them, appealing to my thrifty self), it became tiring.  Having to buy lunches or dinners or eat frozen TV dinners also became tiring as well.  

So it was with great relief and gladness to realize that the remodel is finished and we can begin to live/eat normally once again.  Yesterday, the appliances were installed and the kitchen was inspected.   It is great to have a brand new refrigerator and dishwasher, and to have the use of our beautiful O’Keefe and Merritt range/stove again.  Ann cooked some sausage and eggs yesterday for breakfast.  Yummm!!! 

Today I spent time placing stuff in our spiffy new cabinets.  We still need some shelves for one of the new cabinets which will allow us to place the rest of our food in it, which will then give us an idea as to how much of our rarely used stuff (i.e., Japanese dishes) can be placed up high in some of the cabinets.  By the weekend, everything should be finished in the kitchen, furniture in the living and dining rooms put back where they were, and the old refrigerator that has been in the living room placed as a backup in the garage.

I love the look and am particularly proud of the tile backsplash since I designed it. I really like the look of the booth we had made.

Otherwise, last week Ann and I had the blessing of being able to attend BJ’s Rehab facility for a nice dinner.  It is still wondrous to me to see the light in his eyes, in his face, and to hear about his journey.  What was special about the night was that Ann felt comfortable to share with him aspects of her emotional journey that she is on.  There was deep connection, and BJ was pretty overwhelmed (positively) by Ann’s vulnerability and realness.  

Because the three of us are in our own transitions, and are in psychological healing “mode,” we talk the same language which lends itself to incredible clarity, connection, and communication.   I must say that being a part of this experience was special and indeed memorable.