The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse

Because two individuals from two different backgrounds—sometimes very different backgrounds—do fall in love, they bring to the relationship their life experiences.  Those experiences can be very different, complicated by differing ways in which they were parented in their families of origin (FOO).  The experiences they bring from past love relationships also color their communications and how they relate to one another.  Considering how different two people can be, it is a miracle that they can fall in love. They do, but then, romantic love is not enough; for a relationship to endure, the couple must learn to live together, to communicate, to respect the differences between them.  That process involves learning how to handle disagreements between them, and that takes time and effort.

The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse

Based upon more than 3000 hours of videotaped observations at the Gottman Marital Observatory at the University of Washington over a 23 year period, this research yielded some insights as to how couples relate (or don’t relate) to one another. So predictable are the insights that Dr. Gottman can predict pending divorce with 94% accuracy!  He named one of the most important and most predictable negative patterns to come from the research the “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.”  These four “behaviors” derive from a couple’s inability to deal with disagreements, and one "Horseman" leads to another.

·         CRITICISM – This can take the form of judgments, discounts, put downs, blaming statements, and “always” and “never” statements.  The implication is that there is something wrong with the partner.  Criticism is different from a complaint; a complaint is a statement of dissatisfaction with some specific event or circumstance (an action), whereas criticism is a judgment of one’s partner (who they are).  This leads to…

·         DEFENSIVENESS – This is an attempt to defend oneself from a perceived attack.  It takes on an “innocent victim” tone.  The person on the defensive often attempts to retaliate.  Defensiveness can deflect a discussion of the problem.  It denies any responsibility.  This leads to…

·         CONTEMPT – Any statement that puts one on a higher place than one’s partner.  It shows disrespect for them. It is a particularly corrosive form of contempt.  Another is sarcasm, often used by educated people.  Facial expressions and certain non-verbal behaviors can also show contempt.  Contempt shown to a partner is one of the most predictive of divorce.  Likewise, there is very little or no contempt in happy marriages.  Which leads to…

·         STONEWALLING or WITHDRAWAL – Occurs when the listener deliberately withdraws from interactions.  It manifests by fewer words being exchanged, looking away, and use of controlled facial expressions.  Men tend to stonewall more than women.

Ways to Counteract the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse

·         CRITICISM à POSITIVE COMPLAINT -- To make a positive complaint, you begin by giving compliments and appreciation.  The appreciation needs to be sincere and hopefully “bigger” than the complaint.   It helps protect the relationship by reducing the likelihood the partner feels rejected or insulted. Then using “I” statements, you ask for something to change, stating how the change would benefit you.  If possible, make it about you.

·         DEFENSIVENESS à DON’T DEFEND – Try to admit some role in the partner’s complaint.  Respectfully acknowledging your partner’s feelings is useful and lowers defenses.

·         CONTEMPT à RESPECT – Always assume good will and competence of your partner.  If he/she does not agree with you or does not do what you want, it is not because they are bad or stupid. He/she merely sees it differently, that’s all.

·         STONEWALLING or WITHDRAWAL à TIME OUT – As with young children, you take a break and get to an emotional or even a physical place to calm yourself, making sure that your partner knows you will return soon.  This reduces feelings of abandonment that simply leaving or not responding can cause.

Other Gottman Research Findings

·      Successful couples have a ratio of positive interactions to negative interactions of at least 5 to 1. according the research.

·      Research showed that a partner’s emotions will be negative (anger, sadness, bullying, contempt) after the other had been negative.  It showed that overgeneralizations in which everything was seen through a negative lens were disastrous to relationships and required attempts to be very specific in what was communicated.

·     When disagreements began, successful couples had “soft start ups” as opposed to “harsh start ups.”  Research showed that such “soft start ups” were more predictive of longevity of relationships as opposed to “harsh start ups” which were more predictive of divorce.

·      Sometimes disagreements flood a relationship.  When this occurs, one or both partners may think it best to work out problems alone, often leading parallel lives.  This leads to loneliness and the distance and isolation cascade are predictive of divorce.  The research showed that even though genders may experience negative emotions during such flooding, men were flooded more quickly and easily and it takes them longer to de-escalate.  Partners in successful relationships learned to soothe each other, and even though men must learn to self-soothe in productive ways, their partners can attempt to find ways to soothe them in non-condescending ways. 

·      Some disagreements are solvable while others are not, research showed.  Unsolvable conflicts will never resolve and they do not have to be resolved.  Instead of attempting to solve the unsolvable through interminable discussions, partners need to learn to live with the discomfort.  Choosing to not live with them will likely produce continued fights and will allow negativity to build up.

·     There are times when one partner cannot accept the influence of the other.  They cannot share power.  They hold fast to their own ideas and actions and purposefully do not allow themselves to agree with their partner.  Research showed that men in particular have trouble accepting the influence of women, and Dr. Gottman found that marriages work to the extent that husbands accepted the influence and shared the power with their wives.

·     The attempt to heal and injury or stop negativity from a disagreement, such as a positive commentary on a communication, expressing appreciation, supporting or soothing one another, or genuinely asking for forgiveness, are ways to repair.  According to the research, when “bids to repair” consistently fail, when there is an absence of “de-escalation” attempts, when there is little positive affect expressed such as humor, interest, or affection, these are predictive of divorce, because there is emotional disengagement.

About Anger & Arguing

Anger is often a secondary emotion; that is, it is a strong emotion that manifests because of some anxiety we feel inside, usually fear, a signal that something is wrong.  It can manifest itself quickly and can wreak havoc on relationships.  Often, when it comes on quickly, it is a pretty good indication that we have been anxious about something, and we project that anxiety onto those around us, often onto family or our partner, and often with disastrous effect.

When disagreements occur, anger feelings well up inside.  If they come on quickly, there is a good likelihood that we have been suppressing our anxiety and not talking about it, and our “fuse” is very short.  Feeling overwhelmed by the anxiety, we will say or do things that we often later regret.  All respect and good will and rational thought are crushed by the onslaught of our out-of-control feelings of anger.  We go into accuse mode.  We make our loved one the enemy.  We often raise our voices, or worse, become physically violent. 

It is natural and normal to feel anger.  Some of us were not allowed to feel angry as children.  Some of us were taught either consciously or subconsciously that we shouldn’t verbalize our anger but bottle it up inside, either verbally or through the examples of our caregivers.    For any number of reasons, some of us never learned the skills of what to do with this intense emotion and we carry this unresolved issue into our adult lives.  The feelings of anger often occur as a result of irrational thoughts that we experienced earlier in life.  As adults, we may have to catch up and learn strategies as to what to do with our anger and how to express it, especially those of us in marital relationships.

To begin, when there is a disagreement with our partner and anger is involved, we need to acknowledge that we are indeed upset and angry. We need to allow ourselves to feel the emotions, and allow our partners the same.  They are manifestations or reflections of our needs and they may be simple or complex.  But they are our feelings and we must own them.  Nobody can make us feel complex feelings but ourselves.  Often, our judgment causes the feelings inside of us.  Our spouses cannot cause us to feel anything unless we empower them to do so.

Our natural tendency is to protect ourselves by lashing out at our partner.  The anxiety that we experience internally is intense and can seem like a tsunami, completely uncontrollable.  The feelings want to manifest themselves in forceful words—usually judgmental, meant-to-hurt, emotionally violent words, words that in another calmer place would never be said.

But if our partners cannot cause us to feel complex feelings, then we truly must take responsibility for the management of our feelings and subsequent behaviors.  The most productive way of managing our anxiety and anger in the moment is to follow three steps: STOP à PAUSE à THINK. 

When we want to externalize our strong feelings, to lash out at our partner and say harsh words, we have to STOP, if only for a brief moment.  It may feel like a flimsy dam with a gigantic wall of water (emotion) ready to burst through it, but STOP we must.  The process of stopping can be facilitated by taking a few deep BREATHS which serve to calm us. It might even take the form of saying that we need a minute. This brief interlude will hopefully STOP the surge of emotion long enough to allow us time to THINK.  STOPPING and BREATHING or PAUSING will allow us to begin to THINK, to actually identify what is being felt.  It will begin the process of allowing us to stop feeling and to start thinking.  This necessary process of controlling our emotions allows us to cognitively question what we are feeling and why we are feeling it.  It allows us to cognitively address why our partner might have said what he/she said.  But cognition won’t happen if we are vomiting our feelings onto our partner.  The following is an actual situation that occurred.

Janeen’s mother had recently died.  Both Janeen and her husband Tom knew that as a result, Janeen was going to receive an inheritance from the estate.  Both of them had discussed the need to contact their financial advisor about resultant tax liabilities.  Janeen received information about the inheritance at work from her brother, the executor of the estate.  She called Tom at his work and informed him that they needed to further discuss what her brother had told her.  When they both arrived home from work that evening, she asked Tom if he would call the financial advisor, never thinking that he would do so before she had a chance to tell him the details of the conversation.  But because Tom had not yet been able to make the phone call, he made it right then.  As he started to describe the situation to the advisor as he understood it, in Janeen’s presence, he didn’t know all the details she had found out and was relating incorrect information. Janeen asked to have the phone.

Tom felt disrespected and a little angry and left her to speak.  A few minutes after she concluded, Janeen went to talk to Tom.  He wanted to lash out at her, but he stopped, paused, and thought.  He chose to articulate using “I” statements that he had felt disrespected and was hurt.  Through much of her life, Janeen had had trouble being accused of being wrong and felt a desire to lash out at Tom.  She paused and then thought. That allowed her time to realize that she had not explained to him what she had learned from her brother.  She realized through listening respectfully that Tom had thought the she had just “bulldozed” him and he was feeling disrespected and angry.  In a calm voice, she explained to her husband that she had wanted him to make the phone call after they had had a chance to discuss the new information.  Tom had surprised her by calling so quickly.  She knew that he did not have all of the pertinent facts.  She was positioned to explain things accurately to the financial advisor and had asked for the phone.  Because Tom had not lashed out at Janeen, and she had not lashed out at him, they were able to then calmly discuss the new information without the drama.

In this actual account, both spouses went to a cognitive place away from their emotional places by stopping, pausing, and thinking.  They both had empathy towards the other, and had been working on this three step technique. They listened respectfully to one another and had not allowed their feelings to get in the way of effective communication and conflict resolution.  They knew that they could only control themselves and not their spouse. They did not try to defend themselves.  They knew that wallowing in their angry feelings was counterproductive and that “feelings aren’t facts, they’re feelings.”  They did not want to make their spouse the enemy, but rather, they wanted to take care of their relationship rather than winning an argument.  They had assumed the best motives of the other.

To review, stopping, pausing, and thinking allow us to:

·         Cognitively identify what we are feeling

·         Cognitively question what we are feeling—why we are feeling it

·         Cognitively question why our spouse may have said what they said

·         Take time out from feeling the emotional tsunami

·         Develop empathy

·         Develop the ability to listen respectfully to our spouse

·         Control ourselves, knowing we can’t control our spouse

·         Gradually lose the need to defend ourselves

·         Develop the understanding that feelings aren’t facts

·         Not make our spouse the enemy

·         Take care of the relationship rather than win an argument

·         Develop the ability to assume best intentions from our spouse

    

Based upon Non-Violent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg, articles by Kendall Evans called Anger Management Guidelines, Feelings, Safe and Productive Arguments, Guidelines for Positive Relating, and original thought by Robert E. Davis.

Negative Feelings and Emotions

The following list contains positive emotions and a common opposite negative emotion:

Calmness/Anger, Carefree/Insecurity, Courage/Fearfulness, Exuberance/Depression, Safety/Anxiety, Connectedness/Loneliness, Clarity/Confusion, Love/Apathy, Joy/Sadness, Satisfaction/Dissatisfaction, Excitement/Boredom, Innocence/Guilt, Bliss/Pain

Reviewing the “opposites” list above, most of us have felt many if not all of these negative emotions at one time or another.  Feeling negative emotions is unpleasant and can be painful.  We don’t want to feel the pain, or we may tell ourselves that we shouldn’t be feeling those negative emotions. 

When we feel physical pain, we view it as a feedback mechanism that informs us that something is harming us and such a situation should be avoided or modified.  However, we respond quite differently when we feel emotional pain.  We do not think something is wrong, but rather, we think that something is wrong with us.  But we can choose to view emotional pain similarly to the way we view physical pain: as a feedback mechanism that informs us that our heart or spirit is being harmed and that something in our lives needs to be changed. 

 

For example, when you once felt anger, could it be that you have been emotionally violated in some way, and your heart or spirit has been harmed to your detriment?

When you once felt fear, could it be that you perceived danger and that something or somebody might hurt you?

When you once felt depressed and your heart or spirit was shutting down from emotional pain, could it be that you might have needed to make some changes in the way you thought or framed the event?

When you once felt guilt, could it be that a choice you may have made emotionally hurt yourself or someone else and that it was not a wise choice?

When you once felt despair, could it be that you had lost hope that tomorrow was another day and that things would likely get better?

Negative emotions can serve a purpose.   We may not want or like to feel them, but it is not a matter of whether we should or shouldn’t feel them.  Feelings aren’t facts, they’re just feelings.  What matters is what we do with them.  We can go three ways with them, and it can be tempting to default to two of them:  surrendering our will to them, or shutting them down completely.

TWO DEFAULT OPTIONS

Heather‘s three kids had been noisy and she heard constant crying.  They just appeared to run around and scream.  Her nerves were frayed.  She barely got them down for a nap and was relishing a much needed quiet time when she heard a crash down the hall.   Upon arriving in one of the kid’s rooms, she realized that her almost three year old had pulled on a cord and toppled a vase which had shattered.  What was she feeling?  Perhaps negative emotions like anger, even perhaps rage.  Does she surrender her will to the moment and scream at the child, telling him how clumsy and stupid his is?  It will make her feel good—temporarily.  Is this her “default” response?  

Mark had just found out from the doctor that the hearing loss he had experienced in one ear was not going to get better and that he would likely have to deal with it the rest of his life.  When his brother David asked him how he was handling the disturbing news, he remarked that it could have been both ears.  When David pressed him a little more as to how difficult it might be and that it was too bad that Mark would have to deal with it long term, Mark became a little upset and wondered if David was just trying to make him feel bad.  Does Mark just “put a happy face” on the situation and stuff the feelings, shutting them down as he usually does and supposedly hiding them away?

What are the consequences of these two approaches?  The first one is that you can surrender completely to your emotions, losing control to the tsunami of emotion and perhaps physically or emotionally hurt others.   Inappropriate words can be as hurtful as inappropriate actions.  Our surrendering to hurtful words, and sometimes even actions, usually leads to deep regret afterwards.  Is this a “default” setting. 

The second one is you can always shut down or stuff these negative feelings, pretending that they are not there, and be emotionally flat.  This may seem a more level-headed thing to do, except unresolved feelings do not go away.  They just remain in the dark, festering and mildly churning like bad food in one's stomach, until some provocative event occurs.  In that moment, all of the unresolved emotions come quickly to the surface and we "vomit" or explode on people, often those with whom we have strong emotional connections like family or friends.

Jose’s wife was routinely getting on him for not paying more attention to, and spending more time with, the children.  He would listen to her passively and then walk away.  He kept doing this until one day, his daughter Angela spoke to him in what he considered a disrespectful manner.  Even though she said it in a non-provocative way, he exploded emotionally, walked up to her with fists clenched, getting about six inches from her face, and started yelling at her about how disrespectful she was.  She burst into tears and ran away, afraid and hurt, even though he hadn’t touched her.  Jose immediately felt terrible.

A THIRD OPTION

The more healthy approach is to feel what you are feeling, but realizing that feelings indeed are not facts.  Such negative feelings can certainly serve that purpose and indicate to us and inform us that something is in fact wrong.  And it is not a matter of whether we should or shouldn’t feel them.  We can manage them by saying to ourselves that they are not us.  We can be in control of them.  We can think about why we are feeling a certain way and try to determine what that negative emotion is communicating to us about ourselves.

How can feelings be felt in a constructive way?  We can remove ourselves from a triggering event or situation and give ourselves a “time out,” and be alone for awhile.  We can talk to our spouse, a relative, or a friend, and vent.  Alone, we can cuss.   We can scream into a pillow or punch it a few times.  We can go for a walk and isolate ourselves for awhile and try to get perspective on what just happened.  We can write about it, and emotionally dump our feelings onto paper, and as such, out of us.  In fact, feeling the feeling and then getting it out of our system is very healthy.

Sometimes a situation arises in which there are negative feelings and emotions between two emotionally attached individuals, such as in a spousal relationship.  As we process why we are feeling a certain way or what is to be learned from the disagreement, this time of “sitting” with our negative emotions can be very instructive.  It is fine to not have everything resolved in a relationship at any particular time.  We must not think that we must try to repair the disharmony immediately.

Returning to the earlier story of Heather and the broken vase, exercising the Third Option, perhaps she could have pushed the vase behind a dresser where it would be out of the way, and then excused herself to a quiet place in the house—to cool down.  Later in the day, when the emotion had subsided, she could reflect on what changes need to be made in her life.  What could this negative experience and negative emotions teach her.  Is she getting enough support in parenting?  Is she getting enough sleep?  Is it time to change the naptime dynamic?  Or is something deeper going on?  Maybe she is treating others about as well as she subconsciously believes she should be treated.  Or is it that she feels out of control and disrespected which implies that she secretly fears that she does not deserve to be respected?  Could it be that her anger came when she felt threatened in some deep way? 

Negative feelings and emotions are a feedback mechanism that can inform us that some aspect of our lives needs to be changed.  They are the way the Universe or God helps us to get to our “whole place.”  And there is always a Third Option to get us to that “whole place” rather than surrendering ourselves to the tsunami of those feelings or stuffing them.  

HOW TO FORGIVE OTHERS

WHY IS FORGIVENESS HARD?

by Dr. Alex Lickerman, M.D., on February 1, 2010 in Psychology Today

Forgiveness is hard.  But why?  Perhaps for the following reasons:

1. We’re often reluctant to let go of our anger.  One of the main reasons people get angry is to achieve or regain control.  If we still feel harmed in the now—even years after we actually were—we frequently continue to feel angry.  And it’s inherently difficult, if not impossible, to forgive someone with whom we’re still angry.  This is true even if the predominant reason we’re angry isn’t due to frustration at having lost control but in outrage at the injustice committed against us.  But in the same way soft tissue inflammation is helpful only in the first few days after an injury occurs, often causing even more damage than the original injury if it’s allowed to become chronic, anger—no matter what its cause—if allowed to boil without being harnessed to accomplish anything worthwhile, can cause us far more harm than good.
2. We want to satisfy our sense of justice.  Even if we’re not angry, if we believe our offender doesn’t deserve our forgiveness, we may find ourselves withholding it to avoid appearing to condone what they did to us.
3. Forgiveness may feel like letting our offender off the hook without punishment.  Even if we don’t feel that forgiveness implies we condone the injustice committed against us, to release our anger and forgive our offender may feel like letting them get away without being punished, especially if no other punishment is forthcoming.
4. We wish to harm as we’ve been harmed.  An eye for an eye often feels viscerally satisfying (remember, anger must be discharged in a way that feels satisfying).  If we lack the power to deliver actual harm, harboring anger may feel like a second-best option.  Holding a grudge does in a certain sense feel good.
5. They haven’t apologized.  The power of an apology to open the path to forgiveness can’t be overestimated.  Nor can the ability of withholding an apology—of the refusal to acknowledge a wrong was committed—to block it.
6. When someone commits an injustice, we often cease to see or believe they could be capable of any good. We tend to abstract those who harm us, diminishing them from full-fledged human beings into merely “our offenders.”  This enables us to refuse to allow into our conception of them any room for the possibility that they have positive characteristics or have the capability to do good (much in the same way they abstracted our full-fledged humanity into some label that enabled them to harm us in the first place).

WHAT DOES IT MEAN TO FORGIVE?

To my way of thinking, forgiveness involves recognizing that the person who harmed us is more than just the person who harmed us.  He or she is in fact, whether we want to acknowledge it or not, a full-fledged human being whose full dimension isn’t defined by their foolish decision to harm us in some way (as much as we may wish it were).  At its core I believe forgiveness is an acknowledgment that a person who’s harmed us still has the capacity for good.

Forgiveness requires us to view our offender not as malevolent but as confused—so much so that they would actually believe that by harming us they could somehow become happier (though they would almost certainly be incapable of articulating that as the reason).  Secondly, forgiving requires us to let go—of our anger; of our desire to punish or teach a lesson; of our need to harm our harmer; of the notion that by choosing to forgive an offense we’re in some way condoning an unjust action committed against us or committing an injustice ourselves; of the need for an apology; and of the need for our harmer to change.  For in forgiving another their transgression against us, we’re ultimately seeking to free ourselves.  Forgiving, as the saying also goes, doesn’t mean forgetting.  Nor does it have to mean returning the person we’ve forgiven to their former status in our lives.  It means we move on healed from the hurt ! that’s been done to us.

HOW DOES FORGIVING OTHERS BENEFIT US?

1. Forgiving others is the only way to break a cycle of violence (whether physical or otherwise).  As complex as it may be, consider the core reason why the Israeli/Palestinian conflict continues to this day.
2. In order to forgive, we must manifest a life-condition of compassion.  In Nichiren Buddhism this is called the life-condition of the bodhisattva.  A bodhisattva is someone whose most pressing concern lies with the happiness of others.  Attaining this life-condition benefits no one more than it does us, as it is a life-condition of joy.
3. In order to forgive we must let go of our anger.  If we continue to hold onto anger, it often leaks out against others who’ve committed no crime against us, as well as colors all our experiences, often ruining our ability to feel joy in many aspects of life.

FINDING THE COMPASSION TO FORGIVE

In order to muster compassion for one who’s harmed us, we must first believe with our lives that all people originally desire to become happy.  From there we must find a way to realize our offender has simply gone completely awry in their pursuit of their own happiness and pity them as we would a misguided child.  For no matter how sophisticated a person may seem, how confident and wise and successful, how could an intent to harm arise from anything other than a delusion?

The question will naturally arise:  are some people’s crimes so heinous that they don’t merit forgiveness?  Parents who’ve abused us?  Children who’ve rebelled against us?  Spouses who’ve abandoned us?  Friends who’ve betrayed us?  Strangers who harmed us or our loved ones?  Or even tyrants who’ve killed our families?  Is Hitler, for example, forgivable?  Can one forgive a person without forgiving their actions?

I would suggest only this:  that if you find yourself holding onto a grudge against someone who’s grievously harmed you, for you to find a way to forgive them—for you to become the kind of person who can—will not only first and foremost benefit you, but ultimately may have the power to transform the life of the person you’re forgiving.  Not always of course.  But sometimes.  And if it does, in forgiving them you’re not only setting yourself free, you’re actually contributing to something of greater importance, something the world is literally crying out for in more places than you could probably name: 

Passive-Aggressiveness and Me

One of the challenges in my adulthood and in particular to my 34-year marriage to a strong woman has been to transition from being passive-aggressive to more open about my feelings.   My passive-aggressive nature was nurtured in my family of origin where at times my feelings were not honored or appreciated, and sometimes manipulated, and then perpetuated through the years of my adulthood as I would be passive in many of my interactions with Ann.   Passive aggressiveness is composed of two words: passivity and aggression.  Passivity originates when we do not value what we are wanting or feeling and place more value on the wants or feelings of another (usually someone close to us) and as such do not give voice to our wants or feelings.  Aggression manifests when the unexpressed, non-assertive feelings are “set off” by an event, and anger or rage comes out.

In my marriage, I used to feel that Ann was superior to me in many ways and that her truth was, indeed, superior.  Even if I felt that her truth may not be correct, my shame (not valuing who I am) kept me from saying what I wanted or felt.  

The aggressiveness would manifest itself in me with anger that often would be out of proportion to the event that triggered it.  It wasn’t that I would rage; I’m not that kind of person.  But my fuse was short and it didn’t take much to set me off and become angry.  That anger came out at times toward my children, probably because I was in a position of power—a vertical relationship—and as the saying goes, “water runs downhill.”  It ran downhill onto them. That anger has been a source of guilt and shame for me.  It would also occasionally come out in as I drove in traffic.

Complicating matters, I perceived that my religious values taught that anger was not appropriate; that somehow keeping your feelings to yourself was some kind of a virtue.  It was almost a source of pride that I didn't see myself as an angry person—most of the time.

So as an adult married to a strong, assertive woman, with an upbringing of stuffing feelings, and a system of values that I thought valued such behaviors, I was not open about what I felt.  I got to a point where I realized that I had a short fuse.  I got to a point where the scope of my anger would surprise me.  I got to a point where I realized that stuffing feelings was not in my best emotional interest, and that for me to be a better husband and father and a psychotherapist—and be effective in those roles—I needed to be more forthcoming.

Now don’t get me wrong.  Anyone who gets to know me realizes that I do have feelings, and that I often wear my emotions on my sleeve.  I am quick to cry if I am touched by someone or something.  I see myself as being very empathetic, a necessary attribute for a psychotherapist in my opinion.  But the passivity was a blind spot for me.

I have learned that passivity was very damaging for me.  I am learning that I can be assertive and give voice to my feelings without blasting Ann or anybody else out of the water.   I am learning that it is okay to want, to need, to be okay with conflict, to be okay with disagreements.   I am learning that if there is a divergence of opinion on a subject, even delicate subjects, that it is important for me to send an “I message” to the effect of “when you say/do this, it makes me feel ____,” or “I feel strongly that we should ____.”   I am learning that when I do that, I feel freedom, and freedom from shame.

As I have gotten better at doing this, I have noticed more peace and serenity in my life.  I have noticed that I rarely get angry, and when I do, it is okay to feel it and to express it in a forthright but respectful way.  My fuse is much longer these days.  I still wrestle with some strong emotions at times while driving, but I am noticing that more often than not, I am the person who did the wrong action and deserved the toot on the horn.   

I admit to being in transition with this part of me, to being a work in progress.  But I have noticed significant progress and change in my life.  Yay for me!!!