A RECOVERY PARADOX...FOR ME ANYWAY

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,

courage to change the things I can,

and the wisdom to know the difference.

So reads what is known in the Recovery World of Alcoholics Anonymous, Narcotics Anonymous, Nicotine Anonymous, Sex Addicts Anonymous, and all of the myriad “Anonymouses,” or “Anonymai,” as the “Serenity Prayer.”  This Prayer has been recited by literally millions of people, and will likely be recited by millions more in the years and decades to come, especially as addictions continue to plague society.  It is a Prayer in which the person reciting it is committing to—or at least desiring to commit to—an emotional surrendering to a Higher Power.  This spirit of surrender is embodied in the first three steps of the Twelve Step Program that the organizations above espouse:

Step 1—We admitted we were powerless over [our addiction]—that our lives had become unmanageable.  (“I can’t.”)

Step 2—Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.  (“God can.”)

Step 3—Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood him.  (“I’ll let him.”)

The idea of “surrendering” in the recovery world that I inhabit is both appealing and perplexing to me.  Secular, popular Western culture (and ironically, LDS culture) seems to promote personal self-sufficiency, yet “surrendering” is in line with the doctrine of grace in Christian and other religious communities.  In my world of addiction recovery, and I spend a lot of time there, there appears to be a paradox of the Addict surrendering to God (a la Twelve Step Programs) vs. those same Programs and addiction rehabilitation programs far and wide promoting cognitive-based behavioral changes which have as their goal to restructure the thinking of the triggered addict so that new, positive, non-irrational thoughts can produce new positive behaviors.  It seems paradoxical to me because the former implies that the Addict is powerless over the addiction and should surrender to it (to feel it), and surrender to a “full of grace” God, yet the latter would imply that the Addict indeed has power and should take the “non-surrendering” responsibility and change his/her irrational thoughts that lead to addictive, destructive behaviors. 

Interestingly, in my therapy and Twelve Step work I have related both ideas to clients and members of recovery groups, depending on the circumstance.  I can easily defend both ways of dealing with addiction.  Perhaps this may be a deficiency in me.  I have the thought that I am wanting/needing to work out this paradox in order to be completely congruent in my role as a therapist.  But then, could both ways of looking at recovery be correct for the addict?  Can he/she experience both and incorporate them into their recovery? How does that work?  

Is it possible that surrender is indeed a necessary and integral part of recovery, and that someone using and “working” the Twelve Steps can simultaneously surrender will and change thoughts (“stinking thinking”)which then change behaviors?  Does the addict surrender to God (or a Higher Power) who then theoretically changes the thoughts of the addict?  Is challenging the irrational thinking a focus on abstinence from the addiction rather than on real recovery (assuming the belief that abstinence is not necessarily recovery)?

Or can it be said that surrendering to the feeling of the desire to “act out” or to participate in the addiction (feeling one’s “dark side”) must indeed occur in order for the addict to cognitively not engage in “stinking thinking” and choose not to indulge in the behavior? Is this the process that ultimately must take place in the life of the addict before there is recovery?  If so, what role does a Higher Power (God) and the addict’s surrendering to It/Him play in that process?

Or is the idea of surrendering the initial part of recovery, and the cognitive challenging of irrational thoughts the later, on-going work of the recovery process?  Or, when all is said and done, are they just two different ways of dealing with addiction?

I congratulate those who read this blog and have gotten to this end of my musings about addiction.  Writing this blog is an important outlet for me and this posting is all about me and my musings.  I apologize to anyone reading this who has not been affected by addiction or who couldn’t care less.  This blog is about my transitions (RED IN TRANSITION) and this is a transition from uncertainty that I want to make that is important to me.

The BIG Transition

It was great to write about my cruise adventure to Alaska.  Perhaps it was a transition of sorts because it was doing something that I had wanted to do but had not had the vacation time or the money to do, and in reality, had not really thought we could do.  It probably was a transition to a place where I say I WANT to do something instead of excuses why I cant.  But for those who do not know me intimately, I need to write about the BIG transition that took place in the past five years.

Since returning in December 1980 from Japan where I taught English, I have been involved in all aspects of the textile recycling business, and I do mean all aspects.  But almost from those first days in January 1981, I did not find fulfillment in the "rag" business.  I looked at teaching, going so far as to do student teaching in the Seminary and Institute program of my Church.  I flirted with becoming a professional tour guide and becoming involved as a travel agent.  I actually worked for a time managing a manufacturing business but kept my fingers in textile recycling.  I spent hours looking at other employment opportunities, even going so far as to consider returning to live in Japan.  I simply felt restless.  I even spent some years being self-employed, working as a broker and facilitator in the "rag" business, but money was hard to come by and I eventually closed that down.

I had an opportunity to outright purchase a wiping cloth company, and in anticipation of that action moved us to Los Angeles from where we lived in Santa Clarita, California.  But based upon the recommendations of an business acquisition attorney and an accountant against pulling the trigger and buying the company, I decided not to do it.  I now had come to a point where I was in my 50s with the prospect of working for a company doing something that no longer excited me, that actually bored me, that did not use the talents I knew I had.  But God knew this and had plans to help me set a new course, to effect a transition in my life.

First of all, in consequence of our son Robert's drug addiction problems and the stress that issue placed on our marriage, we had been seeing a psychotherapist.  I had been talking with her about my unhappiness and lack of fulfillment and passion, and she gently began suggesting ideas to me about what I might consider to move forward.  It was in this general time period, in 2006, that I was unexpectedly called to be a pastoral figure, a bishop, of a Young Single Adult congregation of the Church.  Coincidentally, my wife Ann was about to go through her own transition: she had decided to further her education (and increase her wages from her work as a mathematics professor at Pasadena Community College) and obtain her Educational Doctorate

Bishop Robert E. Davis - Glendale 7th

As I settled into this position, I soon realized that other than presiding at meetings and speaking, most of my time and effort was spent in counseling young adults who sought me out.  I really enjoyed doing this and realized early on that I was good at it, based upon feedback from those I was blessed to help.  As such, I reported this to our therapist, who began to encourage me to consider making this a career by going back to school and getting a Masters' Degree in Psychology.  I resisted her efforts for some months, gathering information and asking for advice but hesitant to make a decision.  At length, I ran out of reasons not to do it (one of her quotes is "Analysis can be Paralysis") and went to an interview at a school that I had decided upon to see if they would consider enrolling this 50-something into their school.  They did for some reason, and in September of 2007, I began my coursework at Philips Graduate Institute. 

Now to put into perspective what I was attempting to do, let me describe what a typical week was when I started coursework:

Sunday--Meetings and Counseling at church from 8am to 5 or 6pm
Monday--Work as a salesperson/manager in the recycling business from 8am to 4pm, eat dinner, then read texts or write papers from 6 to 9pm
Tuesday--Work as a saleperson in the same hours as Monday, eat dinner, then do interviews with Young Adults either at the church or in my home from 7 to 9:30 or 10:00pm
Wednesday--Ditto Monday and Tuesday during business hours, eat dinner, then read texts or write papers from 6 to 9pm.  The first two semesters I had a class at school in the evening.
Thursday--Ditto Wednesday
Friday--Work as a salesperson, then spend the evening with my wife who was also studying while I was studying during the week
Saturday--Attend school from 9am to 5pm.  I would usually veg out in the evening and/or prepare for Sunday meetings.  In other words, I was:

• Working full time
• Going to school full time
• Being a pastoral figure for a congregation of roughly 200 kids
• Being a father
• Being a husband

At this point, I have to give credit to my wife, Ann, for supporting me enthusiastically and not complaining about the time spent doing church work or homework.  More importantly, I give credit to God for blessing me to be able to keep up this incredibly busy schedule.  Actually, when I knew about the time constraints of my schooling, I approached my Heavenly Father in humble prayer and told Him what my schedule needed to be.  I told Him that I could only give Him my Sundays and Tuesday evenings and that I would dedicate myself to performing to the best of my ability in those times, but the He needed to help me to able to do what He seemingly had led me to do, both at church and at school.  I can humbly say that I lived up to my promise, and He came through for me.  

In March of 2009, as a sort of bendiction to my three year ministry with the Young Single Adults, I was released from that calling.  And in May of that year, I graduated with my Masters of Art in Psychology in Marriage and Family Therapy, with a 3.94 average, may I say!

So I am transitioning from being in the business world full time to the psychotherapy world full time.  For right now, I work in the recycling world part time (it pays well for the time spent) and do therapy part time.  It is a busy schedule, especially since I now also lead two Addiction Recovery Programs for the Church on two nights, and oversee 27 other Addiction Recovery Programs of the Church.  But I am slowly accumulating therapy hours on my way to accumlating 3000 hours needed to take tests to become a licensed therapist. 

And may I say that I have finally found contentment in my work life, and I give all of the praise, glory and honor to my God.  I feel His love all around me.  He is interested in my transitions because He and I are working together to help me be what He wants me to be.  It is all that I want...to be what He wants me to be.