The Fourth Step & My Son

For those readers who don't know, I am a psychotherapist who specializes in, but is not limited in my scope of practice, to sexual addiction.  I meet with people who often are powerless over their "inappropriate" sexual activities and whose lives have become quite unmanageable as a result. If that wording seems vaguely familiar, it is a paraphrase of the First Step of the Twelve Steps to Recovery.

From 2009 through 2012, I was involved with the LDS Church's Addiction Recovery Program (ARP).  Similar to Alcoholics Anonymous, Sexaholics Anonymous, and other addiction recovery programs, the ARP ultilizes in its group meetings the Twelve Steps to Recovery that the "Anonymous" world uses, only with an LDS spin. During this time, I led multiple "addicts" groups.

It was while I was involved with leading ARP groups that I came to really understand the Twelve Steps of Recovery.  Although the LDS Twelve Steps are slightly different than those used by AA, NA, SA, etc., the basic ideas are the same.  I came to understand the importance of the Twelve Steps, be they LDS or not.  I came to understand how important and necessary each Step is.  I came to understand the importance of their sequence. Perhaps most importantly, I came to understand their power in the lives of those who really "work the Steps."

This latter understanding was reconfirmed once again as I recently spoke again with my son about his recovery from chemical addiction (specifically heroin). I am so proud that he has four years' sobriety, as of last week. I know that sobriety does not always mean recovery; real recovery occurs when when the "addict" comes to understand the reasons underlying their addictive behaviors, and takes measures to deal with those issues. In his case, real recovery is occuring.

Happily and gratefully, my son is gaining ever increasing understanding about those underlying reasons.  He was ignorant of them during his thirteen years or so of chemical addiction, and it wasn't until he reached "rock bottom" and checked into the rehab in San Pedro, California, called Beacon House, that he was really introduced to them.  It wasn't until he fully opened himself to them that significant progress was made. He opened up to the possibility that his best thinking wasn't working; that he didn't have the answers; that if he didn't change course soon he would either be in prison or dead. (His words!)

He credits his intense work with the Twelve Steps, the literature of recovery, the staff and director of the Beacon House, his therapist, and God, for his progress thus far. He also credits being able to serve, and work with, new arrivals for helping confirm his new path.  But any recovering addict will tell you, however, that recovery is "one day at a time," and my son understands that completely. 

Because he and I share a great love and appreciation for the Twelve Steps, our recent discussion for me seemed to center on the importance in his recovery (and may I say, it must be in every Twelve Step adherent's recovery) of a fearlessly honest Fourth Step.  That step reads in the LDS Twelve Steps (it's almost identical to the non-LDS Fourth Step):

Make a searching and fearless written moral inventory of yourself.

It involves being brutally honest about yourself, beginning in one's early years and continuing to the present.  It involves introspectively looking at one's behaviors, one's thoughts, one's environment, one's poor choices, and writing it all down. Done correctly, one's life is laid bare in all its dysfunction, and the painful scenarios almost always begin in one's childhood.

With the help of others who had been through the process as "addicts" themselves and who knew when someone wasn't going "deep enough" into their Fourth Step family of origin issues, he came to realize just how dysfunctional he had become as an adult as a result of unresolved childhood issues.  He came to understand how deep those issues were.  He came to see that this process was his chance to make a significant change in his life. He also came to realize that ultimately he could not effect this profound change without God's help, because his own best thinking had not produced a good life.

That brutally honest Fourth Step made all the difference for him.  It helped create a kind of road map for him to follow on his journey to recovery. He finally began to reconstruct his life with God's help and the help of supporters at the Beacon House. 

The Beacon House staff encouraged him to have very limited contact with his mother and me--and for that matter, his siblings--because of the dynamics uncovered in his Fourth Step. That work involved putting me and the rest of our family dynamics "under a microscope."  Even after four years, my contact with him is on his terms, rarely more than once a month, as he continues to work through his family of origin issues that powered his addiction.  

Our recent conversation about the Fourth Step and family of origin issues was somewhat difficult for me because I felt that even though he was ultimately responsible for his addictive acting-out, I was part of the dysfuction. I had to own the concept that I had my own inadequecies as he was growing up--my own stuff--and that my own stuff sometimes got in the way of being the father that he needed me to be. I have beaten myself up about this in the past, and even though I have forgiven myself, it sometime still hurts to recognize what I did or didn't do for him. 

He owns the fact that, at the end of the day, he was/is responsible for addiction. Only he can do the heavy lifting of recovery work.  Only he can continue humbling himself and listening to veterans of the road to recovery. Only he can make wise, correct choices going forward.

But what a turn-around he has made!  His future is bright.  He is in the last semester of a four semester course at California State--Dominguez Hills University to become licensed to be a Drug & Alcohol Rehabilitation Counselor. 

I thank Bill W. and Dr. Bob for acting on their inspiration and authoring the Twelve Steps of Recovery so many years ago, ideas that have helped literally millions of people, and in particular, one person so dear to my heart. 

Real Recovery From Someone Who Knows

               As many of you know, my son Robert is in a substance rehab facility in Southern California and has been there for almost 29 months.  He has stayed clean and sober those 29 months, a great accomplishment, and I am hopeful that he finally understands the "whys" of his addiction and has taken actions to turn that understanding into changed behavior and thinking.  I believe that he has done so based upon the monthly conversations he has with Ann and me once a month when he is allowed to contact us.  

               Some months ago, I asked him to write down what he was telling us--both for his own benefit and for mine.  Obviously, since I work in the addiction world as a therapist, I am always looking for articles and ideas that I can share with some of my clients.  He finally has produced the following.  He acknowledges that many of the ideas he presents are not necessarily his own (he got many from the AA Big Book and the AA Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions) but they have been filtered and enlarged upon as he makes his way on the road to addiction recovery.  I thought that it was worthwhile to share with the world.  Maybe it can help you or someone you know!

Brains: Masking Pain through Adrenaline

            One of the functions of the brain is to protect a person from pain. This is accomplished through adrenaline. Adrenaline is a powerful anesthetic for both physical and emotional pain. The injuries of a fight, either physical or emotional, are often not felt until after the conflict is over, and the adrenaline is wearing off. Because of the powerful effects of adrenaline, we are all addicted to it.

Adrenaline can be had in many different ways. You can get adrenaline from positive and negative sources. Sports are an example of a positive source of adrenaline. Negative sources of adrenaline can be had from behaviors such as intimidation, sarcasm, wallowing in self-pity, fantasizing, verbal abuse, etc. Some sources can be negative or positive, depending on what it’s being used for. An example would be getting lost in the fantasy of a movie. There is adrenaline attached to the fantasy of a movie. However, it becomes a negative source if, for example, at work you get yelled at by your boss, and rather than deal and process the effects of the altercation, you watch a movie for the fantasy as an escape from dealing with the emotional effects of the encounter with the boss.

From a very young age, our brains learn to use adrenaline to mask pain. In fact, most people’s first memory is of an event or activity where they experienced some adrenaline. When it comes to trauma experienced during the developmental stages of life, the more painful the experience, the more adrenaline is needed to mask the pain. In the brain’s efforts to cope and protect the person from the debilitating pain of trauma, behaviors are learned to effectively get adrenaline to mask the pain. In an environment where trauma isn’t processed in a healthy way, the child is left with coming up with their own behaviors. These behaviors which provide the necessary adrenaline fix to mask pain become the answers to the problems for how they feel. These answers work, at least for a time.

The behaviors adults use that are unhealthy are the learned answers for adrenaline developed as a child in response to traumas. When a child reaches puberty, the onset of these changes with the influx of hormonal changes and combined with the social stresses, forces the teenager to increase the adrenaline they’re seeking to mask the increased pain of puberty. This could mean more frequently engaging in activities that provide adrenaline, or picking up new answers that provide a higher dose. Many teenagers at the onset of puberty will start bullying, setting fires, torturing animals, molesting, breaking the law, and experimenting with sex and drugs. These activities all have super high levels of adrenaline attached to them.

But when an adult is still using childhood answers and is also an addict, it causes a whole set of difficult problems. The result is the unmanageability of life described in the second half of the First Step. These childhood answers reinforce and increase the selfishness and self-centeredness of the addict, inflicting pain on all who get caught up in their inability to cope with life while simultaneously exacerbating the problems created from addiction.

In recovery, the addict learns new answers that are healthy in an effort to replace the unhealthy adrenaline-seeking answers developed as a child. This process takes time for it is only by trial and error through repetition that these new answers become part of their character, which is the goal. These new answers are spiritual in nature, and incorporate the principles of the Steps like honesty, willingness, justice, discipline, courage, etc. Finally, childhood answers are directly connected to the calamity of when what is God-given in every child is twisted and buried beneath the pain of trauma.

Twisted Instincts

We are all born with instincts. They are God-given and therefore good. They keep us alive, and drive us to do the activities necessary for survival. They can be categorized into the three different instincts: social, security, and sexual. The social instinct is the drive for humans to be accepted and feel a part of a social organization greater than themselves, like family, friends, and community. The security instinct is our need for shelter, food, clothing, and other material needs for our day to day existence. The sexual instinct is the drive for a mate and to reproduce.

When humans are exposed to traumas and accompanying unhealthy energies which are absorbed in their developing stages of life, these instincts become twisted. For example, our social and security instincts are to be met and directed by our parents. But when a child experiences abandonment from a parent, the child experiences a mental imprint, and a deficiency in their social instinct not being met is created.

The need for this instinct to be satisfied results in behavior that attempts to satisfy this instinct. It is the behavior people engage in to satisfy unmet instincts that characterize twisted instincts, for we are attempting to get more satisfaction for our instincts than God intended us to. In the example of a child whose social instinct was threatened by abandonment, the child will try to satisfy this instinct in a variety of unhealthy behaviors which could include being codependent, pretending to be someone they’re not for friendship, people-pleasing, making unfair demands for attention, and requiring validation from people, etc. All of the overreaching to satisfy twisted instincts is selfish in nature, sinful, and is the cause of all emotional problems and conflicts in relationships.

An important purpose of the Fourth Step is for the addict to look at how their instincts got twisted. The events surrounding the traumas an addict experiences in the developing stages of life is referred to in AA literature as “causes and conditions”. The Fourth Step confronts the causes and conditions where the instincts were twisted by traumas, and illuminates how this twisting of instincts resulted in the development of coping behaviors which are unhealthy and selfish. These coping behaviors or “answers” that are the products of twisted instincts are the reason why a person turns to drugs in the first place. As stated in AA literature, “alcohol is but a symptom” of the problem.

Indeed, drugs are but one of many unhealthy solutions to the problem of pain experienced from trauma resulting in twisted instincts. As previously stated, these unhealthy answers that are adrenaline-fueled help us to deal with self, which is our true problem. Our twisted instincts seek to keep us "in self," cut off from God and others. The further we indulge in the activities that attempt to satisfy our twisted instincts, the more we come into conflict with others. That creates the need for more selfish attempts to satisfy our twisted instincts. This self destructive cycle keeps us miserable, and for an addict, takes us to the point of suicide. Our answers no longer work, and everyone has been effectively driven away by our selfishness, achieving the disease's goal for the isolation from everyone who cares about us. To the extent we indulge in satisfying our twisted instincts, we are cut off from the grace of God and from a faith that works.  

A Channel for God’s Will

So how does all this affect our relationship with Heavenly Father? We are on this planet to serve His will, to bring Him glory. The questions we must ask and face are: what keeps us from being a better servant? What keeps us from being in God's will more? What percentage of the day is spent "in self," and what percent is spent "out of self," which will always be God's will for us. The fact is that the closer we are to being our true selves, the person Heavenly Father sent us to be, the more effectively we can serve His will.

However, the childhood traumas we experience move us away from our true selves, and the unhealthy answers we develop as a result of our twisted instincts effectively moves us farther and farther away from our "soul purpose".  By healing these traumas, giving them to God so that through Jesus Christ we can be made whole, we can start to establish a connection with God where we can intuitively serve His will.

As the Big Book states, we "intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us.” We are faced with situations every day where we can choose self will or God's will. If we are stuck "in self" due to sinful behavior as a result of reacting to a twisted instinct, we won't have the connection needed in the moment to clearly see what God's will is for us, and we will be cut off from the power which can be given through the Holy Ghost needed to make the right decision. The more stuff we clear away from our past and heal from that cuts us off from God, the more often we can intuitively make the right decision that falls in line with God's will for us.

This is how we come to have a faith that works in any condition, for when we are connected and aligned with God's will, we are insulated from the temptations of the adversary. When we heal our traumas that effectively keep us creating conditions where we are stuck in self, and practice keeping the commandments and live by spiritual principles, we stay "out of self," and God's love and power can flow through us always, resulting in saying what He wants us to say, doing what He wants us to do, and fulfilling our callings on this Earth. When we stay out of the way, and let Heavenly Father work through us, we know true happiness. There is no doubt that our prayers will be answered. We can be of maximum service to our fellow men, for our "crap" is not affecting or clouding God's ability to work through us.

A RECOVERY PARADOX...FOR ME ANYWAY

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,

courage to change the things I can,

and the wisdom to know the difference.

So reads what is known in the Recovery World of Alcoholics Anonymous, Narcotics Anonymous, Nicotine Anonymous, Sex Addicts Anonymous, and all of the myriad “Anonymouses,” or “Anonymai,” as the “Serenity Prayer.”  This Prayer has been recited by literally millions of people, and will likely be recited by millions more in the years and decades to come, especially as addictions continue to plague society.  It is a Prayer in which the person reciting it is committing to—or at least desiring to commit to—an emotional surrendering to a Higher Power.  This spirit of surrender is embodied in the first three steps of the Twelve Step Program that the organizations above espouse:

Step 1—We admitted we were powerless over [our addiction]—that our lives had become unmanageable.  (“I can’t.”)

Step 2—Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.  (“God can.”)

Step 3—Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood him.  (“I’ll let him.”)

The idea of “surrendering” in the recovery world that I inhabit is both appealing and perplexing to me.  Secular, popular Western culture (and ironically, LDS culture) seems to promote personal self-sufficiency, yet “surrendering” is in line with the doctrine of grace in Christian and other religious communities.  In my world of addiction recovery, and I spend a lot of time there, there appears to be a paradox of the Addict surrendering to God (a la Twelve Step Programs) vs. those same Programs and addiction rehabilitation programs far and wide promoting cognitive-based behavioral changes which have as their goal to restructure the thinking of the triggered addict so that new, positive, non-irrational thoughts can produce new positive behaviors.  It seems paradoxical to me because the former implies that the Addict is powerless over the addiction and should surrender to it (to feel it), and surrender to a “full of grace” God, yet the latter would imply that the Addict indeed has power and should take the “non-surrendering” responsibility and change his/her irrational thoughts that lead to addictive, destructive behaviors. 

Interestingly, in my therapy and Twelve Step work I have related both ideas to clients and members of recovery groups, depending on the circumstance.  I can easily defend both ways of dealing with addiction.  Perhaps this may be a deficiency in me.  I have the thought that I am wanting/needing to work out this paradox in order to be completely congruent in my role as a therapist.  But then, could both ways of looking at recovery be correct for the addict?  Can he/she experience both and incorporate them into their recovery? How does that work?  

Is it possible that surrender is indeed a necessary and integral part of recovery, and that someone using and “working” the Twelve Steps can simultaneously surrender will and change thoughts (“stinking thinking”)which then change behaviors?  Does the addict surrender to God (or a Higher Power) who then theoretically changes the thoughts of the addict?  Is challenging the irrational thinking a focus on abstinence from the addiction rather than on real recovery (assuming the belief that abstinence is not necessarily recovery)?

Or can it be said that surrendering to the feeling of the desire to “act out” or to participate in the addiction (feeling one’s “dark side”) must indeed occur in order for the addict to cognitively not engage in “stinking thinking” and choose not to indulge in the behavior? Is this the process that ultimately must take place in the life of the addict before there is recovery?  If so, what role does a Higher Power (God) and the addict’s surrendering to It/Him play in that process?

Or is the idea of surrendering the initial part of recovery, and the cognitive challenging of irrational thoughts the later, on-going work of the recovery process?  Or, when all is said and done, are they just two different ways of dealing with addiction?

I congratulate those who read this blog and have gotten to this end of my musings about addiction.  Writing this blog is an important outlet for me and this posting is all about me and my musings.  I apologize to anyone reading this who has not been affected by addiction or who couldn’t care less.  This blog is about my transitions (RED IN TRANSITION) and this is a transition from uncertainty that I want to make that is important to me.