In
doing what I do in the addiction recovery world in which I live, I have
commented multiple times that my addiction is beating myself up for the
regrettable actions of my past and for what I currently am not. I am every bit as addicted to those thoughts
and feelings as any addicted person that I attempt to help. It seems to be naturally easy to allow those
thoughts and feelings to overcome me like a big wave, tumbling me mercilessly
and slamming me onto the bottom. It is
as if I take some absurd pleasure in doing so and think that perhaps I deserve
to feel bad.
To be sure, I do not beat myself up
all of the time. Usually, I manage to
not go there or to talk myself through it as the wave is crashing. But it happens enough and I am weary of this
aspect of me.
I wonder if I feel guilt for what I have done and what I am
not, or if I feel shame. Guilt
is what is felt when we do something wrong. It can motivate us to be more aware of our
actions and to make improvements in our behavior. Shame is
what is felt when we are something wrong. In other words, it is about our essence,
about being wrong, and not just what we do.
Do I see myself subconsciously as being
fatally flawed? Do I believe that I must
be perfect, or some notion of being almost perfect, and that since I am not, I
must atone for who I am by feeling bad?
Do I pretend not to compare who I am with others but then compare myself
with them anyway? Do I see myself as a
fake, a poser?
I feel the need to explore more of who
I am and what is my level of shame. I am going to be involved in leading an
addiction recovery group on shame and
the coursework demands that facilitators do work on themselves so that it is
real and not just theoretical. This
introspection will hopefully lead me to another transition….
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