Negative Feelings and Emotions

The following list contains positive emotions and a common opposite negative emotion:

Calmness/Anger, Carefree/Insecurity, Courage/Fearfulness, Exuberance/Depression, Safety/Anxiety, Connectedness/Loneliness, Clarity/Confusion, Love/Apathy, Joy/Sadness, Satisfaction/Dissatisfaction, Excitement/Boredom, Innocence/Guilt, Bliss/Pain

Reviewing the “opposites” list above, most of us have felt many if not all of these negative emotions at one time or another.  Feeling negative emotions is unpleasant and can be painful.  We don’t want to feel the pain, or we may tell ourselves that we shouldn’t be feeling those negative emotions. 

When we feel physical pain, we view it as a feedback mechanism that informs us that something is harming us and such a situation should be avoided or modified.  However, we respond quite differently when we feel emotional pain.  We do not think something is wrong, but rather, we think that something is wrong with us.  But we can choose to view emotional pain similarly to the way we view physical pain: as a feedback mechanism that informs us that our heart or spirit is being harmed and that something in our lives needs to be changed. 

 

For example, when you once felt anger, could it be that you have been emotionally violated in some way, and your heart or spirit has been harmed to your detriment?

When you once felt fear, could it be that you perceived danger and that something or somebody might hurt you?

When you once felt depressed and your heart or spirit was shutting down from emotional pain, could it be that you might have needed to make some changes in the way you thought or framed the event?

When you once felt guilt, could it be that a choice you may have made emotionally hurt yourself or someone else and that it was not a wise choice?

When you once felt despair, could it be that you had lost hope that tomorrow was another day and that things would likely get better?

Negative emotions can serve a purpose.   We may not want or like to feel them, but it is not a matter of whether we should or shouldn’t feel them.  Feelings aren’t facts, they’re just feelings.  What matters is what we do with them.  We can go three ways with them, and it can be tempting to default to two of them:  surrendering our will to them, or shutting them down completely.

TWO DEFAULT OPTIONS

Heather‘s three kids had been noisy and she heard constant crying.  They just appeared to run around and scream.  Her nerves were frayed.  She barely got them down for a nap and was relishing a much needed quiet time when she heard a crash down the hall.   Upon arriving in one of the kid’s rooms, she realized that her almost three year old had pulled on a cord and toppled a vase which had shattered.  What was she feeling?  Perhaps negative emotions like anger, even perhaps rage.  Does she surrender her will to the moment and scream at the child, telling him how clumsy and stupid his is?  It will make her feel good—temporarily.  Is this her “default” response?  

Mark had just found out from the doctor that the hearing loss he had experienced in one ear was not going to get better and that he would likely have to deal with it the rest of his life.  When his brother David asked him how he was handling the disturbing news, he remarked that it could have been both ears.  When David pressed him a little more as to how difficult it might be and that it was too bad that Mark would have to deal with it long term, Mark became a little upset and wondered if David was just trying to make him feel bad.  Does Mark just “put a happy face” on the situation and stuff the feelings, shutting them down as he usually does and supposedly hiding them away?

What are the consequences of these two approaches?  The first one is that you can surrender completely to your emotions, losing control to the tsunami of emotion and perhaps physically or emotionally hurt others.   Inappropriate words can be as hurtful as inappropriate actions.  Our surrendering to hurtful words, and sometimes even actions, usually leads to deep regret afterwards.  Is this a “default” setting. 

The second one is you can always shut down or stuff these negative feelings, pretending that they are not there, and be emotionally flat.  This may seem a more level-headed thing to do, except unresolved feelings do not go away.  They just remain in the dark, festering and mildly churning like bad food in one's stomach, until some provocative event occurs.  In that moment, all of the unresolved emotions come quickly to the surface and we "vomit" or explode on people, often those with whom we have strong emotional connections like family or friends.

Jose’s wife was routinely getting on him for not paying more attention to, and spending more time with, the children.  He would listen to her passively and then walk away.  He kept doing this until one day, his daughter Angela spoke to him in what he considered a disrespectful manner.  Even though she said it in a non-provocative way, he exploded emotionally, walked up to her with fists clenched, getting about six inches from her face, and started yelling at her about how disrespectful she was.  She burst into tears and ran away, afraid and hurt, even though he hadn’t touched her.  Jose immediately felt terrible.

A THIRD OPTION

The more healthy approach is to feel what you are feeling, but realizing that feelings indeed are not facts.  Such negative feelings can certainly serve that purpose and indicate to us and inform us that something is in fact wrong.  And it is not a matter of whether we should or shouldn’t feel them.  We can manage them by saying to ourselves that they are not us.  We can be in control of them.  We can think about why we are feeling a certain way and try to determine what that negative emotion is communicating to us about ourselves.

How can feelings be felt in a constructive way?  We can remove ourselves from a triggering event or situation and give ourselves a “time out,” and be alone for awhile.  We can talk to our spouse, a relative, or a friend, and vent.  Alone, we can cuss.   We can scream into a pillow or punch it a few times.  We can go for a walk and isolate ourselves for awhile and try to get perspective on what just happened.  We can write about it, and emotionally dump our feelings onto paper, and as such, out of us.  In fact, feeling the feeling and then getting it out of our system is very healthy.

Sometimes a situation arises in which there are negative feelings and emotions between two emotionally attached individuals, such as in a spousal relationship.  As we process why we are feeling a certain way or what is to be learned from the disagreement, this time of “sitting” with our negative emotions can be very instructive.  It is fine to not have everything resolved in a relationship at any particular time.  We must not think that we must try to repair the disharmony immediately.

Returning to the earlier story of Heather and the broken vase, exercising the Third Option, perhaps she could have pushed the vase behind a dresser where it would be out of the way, and then excused herself to a quiet place in the house—to cool down.  Later in the day, when the emotion had subsided, she could reflect on what changes need to be made in her life.  What could this negative experience and negative emotions teach her.  Is she getting enough support in parenting?  Is she getting enough sleep?  Is it time to change the naptime dynamic?  Or is something deeper going on?  Maybe she is treating others about as well as she subconsciously believes she should be treated.  Or is it that she feels out of control and disrespected which implies that she secretly fears that she does not deserve to be respected?  Could it be that her anger came when she felt threatened in some deep way? 

Negative feelings and emotions are a feedback mechanism that can inform us that some aspect of our lives needs to be changed.  They are the way the Universe or God helps us to get to our “whole place.”  And there is always a Third Option to get us to that “whole place” rather than surrendering ourselves to the tsunami of those feelings or stuffing them.  

Flowers and Rocks

As I have written previously, one activity that gives me great joy is singing. I enjoy listening to choral singing, and I love to sing.  I have also written previously about my evolving photography talent and how much enjoyment that continues to provide me.  Likewise, one of the first postings on my blog was about yet another thing that I love to do: travel--and activity that I have been doing quite a bit of this summer, and one that I will do again within the next two weeks.  I will be going to San Antonio, Texas, to witness the graduation of my son Douglas from Army Medic Training.

A part of nature that I am beginning to enjoy more is flowers. Specifically, besides the pleasure I get from noticing them or stopping to smell them, I recently took an "ikebana" class.  Ikebana is japanese flower arranging, and having been exposed to it while living in Japan so many years ago, I am interested in learning more about it.  Like any other art form, it can be enjoyed on a simple level, but it can be very complex.  I would like to enjoy doing it without initially getting into its complexities and plan on taking more classes; I simply don't have the flexibility to dedicate great amounts of time to it.

Besides arranging flowers, last summer I purchased a plumeria bush/tree and planted it earlier this year.  Ever since I discovered this exquisite looking flower with an even more exquisite scent, I cannot get enough. This flower is often used in Hawaiian leis.  Each day as I make my way from the garage to the doorway of my home, I pass by this beauty and make the time to enjoy its splendor and smell its delicious scent.  I am deciding where I can plant other plumeria.

I love landscapes and really take pleasure in photographing them.  But I have always been fascinated on a micro level by rocks that are part of that landscape.  Often when I am hinking, I will look for rocks that are unusual, and at the risk of sounding a little weird, rocks that "speak" to me--that I feel I want to take with me.  I have amassed a little collection of them that I keep in the back yard and which I visit routinely to connect with them.  

I believe that God's creations have some essence or spirit to them, and extension of His love.  I believe that He organized or created this beautiful world that I inhabit, and I glory in them.  Flowers and rocks are part His love.

East Coast Swing - Summer 2013

One of the reasons why my wife and I spent two weeks on the East Coast was to spend time with our daughter, son-in-law, and four grandbabies in New Jersey.  Another reason was to help with the Open House of the wedding of one of our nephews, Philip Johnson, in Maryland. Interestingly, the girl that he married was from New Jersey, and although they were married in the D.C. area, the reception was near her family home in New Jersey.

We landed in Baltimore and spent 36 hours or so there with my sister-in-law and her family, then drove to New Jersey to spend five days with our daughter's family, and drove back to Maryland and spent 3 1/2 days there.  We then went with the Maryland family north to New Jersey, then took a train farther north in New Jersey to our daughter's home once again, then departed 48 hours later from Newark.

The experience was at times fun, at times intense, at times spiritual, at times joyful, but always muggy warm or hot.  Even so, I wanted to share some of the sights of this trip.  The pictures are arranged chronologically, as we went from place to place.  The previous blog posting would have occurred after we left Central Park and went south on Manhattan.  

As I told many who asked how the experience was, it was memorable but not restful.  And that's okay because that was my expectation.  Hope you enjoy the pictures!

The Beautiful Jefferson Memorial in DC

Thomas Jefferson - I felt almost a "temple" feeling here

Standing in the work line at the FDR Memorial

The Martin Luther King Memorial - an important man

The new Vietnam Nurses Memorial - very emotional for me

One of the statues at the Metropolitan Museum in New York

The hidden Alice in Wonderland sculpture in New York's Central Park

The remote control sailboats in Central Park

Typical New York City street (I believe it was north on 5th Avenue), and Philip's Wedding in DC below

Back in New Jersey, three homes near where Emily and Adam live - abuts to a lovely "firefly" park

Eddie Spaghetti being silly

Lucy Goosey being silly

Charley Barley being silly

I have to admit, Charley looks like "Mini-Me"

Elizabeth, with swimming goggles, posing, as she is wont to do

Pumpa roaring like a lion, similar to a picture on my desk taken almost three years ago at the LA Zoo.

Corey Peter Miller

He left his home in Queens that morning to take the train into the City.  Heading for his job there as a supply manager, he might have been thinking about what needed to be done that day.  Or he may have been worried about his widowed mother or younger sister, Cara, who has cerebral palsy.  Perhaps he might have been thinking about Stacy Rosen, his fiancée.  Or he could have been planning to attend a hockey game with some of his friends.

After he had logged on at work at the multi-national investment firm, he settled in and began working.  He may have thought about how he needed to keep working to enable him and Stacy to buy an apartment and get it set up.  But Corey Peter Miller had no idea what he soon would be thinking about.  He would be experiencing overwhelming fear and terror as he faced his imminent demise.  Those feelings were his and almost 3,000 others that morning of September 11, 2001 in the World Trade Center.

I’m not sure how much control he had over the circumstances of his survival that fateful day.  I thought about him and those were killed or who died as I visited Ground Zero last week.   I experienced and wrote about the potential of my own unexpected death in a recent posting, I came to feel then in some way what it might be like to know that you might soon die, and as I walked around the two fountains there that occupy the space where the Twin Towers stood, reading the names of the dead, I felt a knot in my stomach as I considered their fates. 

I started crying as I silently strolled around the fountains.  Thinking back on that warm Friday afternoon  last week, I wonder if I was not only crying for them but also for myself.  Corey Peter Miller and others had their lives snuffed out with no regard as to their future lives and plans.  I realized once again how dear my life is to me, how desperately I want to keep living,

Like my tears and those of many others, the fountains starkly flow downward on all four sides of the squares then fall again into smaller squares where the water disappears—like they did.  Even though I have faith that existence does not end in death—I’m not sure whether or not Corey Peter Miller did—I am still overwhelmed by how fragile we are.   I realized again how wonderful it is to live another day.

He Did It!

            Yesterday was a very special day for me.  I saw a good friend reach a goal that he has worked 9 ½ years to achieve.  During that long stretch, he has transformed himself (been transformed) from a proud and stubborn SOB (his description) into a teachable and sensitive man.  The former is what he would say that he was, and the latter is what he would say God has made him.  I would say that he was always teachable and sensitive but that it was covered up in a toxic way, and that he is now is what he used to be before he allowed himself to be swallowed by his toxic thoughts.  I would also say that his stubbornness helped him to doggedly cling to his ideal in the wobbly moments.

            Isn’t it wonderful that we have the ability to change (be changed)?  Change is so difficult, so scary.  It requires us to surrender what it is that we want to change about ourselves, to give it away.  It requires us to acknowledge the status quo and to realize that there is discomfort ahead.  But at least we can change. 

            My friend says that he is not finished changing, that there are rough edges still to be smoothened.  He has more goals to accomplish, and knowing that he needs God’s help and the help of others is a great discovery.  He will utilize that help to achieve them and continue the transformation.   I likewise recognize that I cannot change without such outside help.

            I am grateful for the changes in those around me.   It gives me hope that I can continue transitioning—changing.  Change is a good thing!

59

I’m coming up on my 59^th birthday.  That’s one away from 60.  I used to think 60 was getting old, but I certainly don’t feel old, except sometimes in the morning when my inactive lower back lets me know it’s there.  I think it’s that I don’t feel mentally or emotionally old—maybe more experienced than those around me who are younger—but not old.

I think my thoughts about my age and aging are influenced by memories of my mother and father.  When my Dad and Mom were 59, I was attending BYU, freshly returned from my proselyting mission for the LDS Church to Argentina.  They seemed tired with low energy, content to sit on the front porch of the house and watch the cars go by on 8^th West. 

In contrast, when my siblings were 59, they were active, traveling places, going to grand children's athletic events and school events, working in their yards and at the Cabin in Emigration Canyon and at Bear Lake.  My siblings and their spouses have their aches and pains, but they stay active, even now in their 70s. 

 

I mentioned to someone recently that I occasionally marvel that I am as old as I am and that I sometimes wonder if my maturity level is that of a teenager, or younger!  I see a 20-something, and realize that I am 30 years or so older than them—I could be their parent, almost a grandparent.  Yikes!  But then, I like being around young folks because they energize me.

I do feel 59 as I consider how long I have been working.  My first job was as a caretaker of a park at the age of 14, picking up trash, cleaning restrooms, chalking ball diamonds.  A year later, I was living with my brother in Indianapolis cutting grass at an industrial park near his work.  For the next few summers, I worked on a survey crew, a checker in a supermarket, and a freight unloader at a trucking company.  I have worked non-stop since age14, and frankly, I am a tired of working, although I must say that being a psychotherapist invigorates me.

This is a transitional time as my wife and I plan for retirement.  She plans on working until she has 20 years completed at her work and she is over half way done  Having completed those years, she will receive a nice retirement.  I am busy making yearly contributions to my 401k, partly putting away money for retirement and partly keeping it away from Uncle Sam.  Theoretically, between the two of us and what little if any Social Security money comes in, we should have a fairly comfortable retirement.  – But frankly, it’s feels kind of bizarre to be planning for retirement; that’s what “old people” do.

So Happy Birthday to me, you old redhead, you!  I’m grateful to be alive, healthy, and happy!

Grandbabies

Many who read this blog know that I have six grandchildren: Isaac lives in Washington, Daniel lives here in So Cal, Elizabeth and her three triplet siblings, Charlie, Eddie and Lucy live in New Jersey.  Many of you also know that my daughter Emily, the mother of the New Jersey clan, has her own blog: 3-ring.blogspot.com.  

Yesterday, Emily posted on her blog with pictures of her four kids celebrating Easter.  It inspired me to post some of their pictures on my blog.  Pictures of my other two grandchildren follow below.  Proud grandpa!

 Everyone that sees him or his picture and know me say that he looks like a young me.  What do you think? 

Aren't these two boys just too cute?  That's Eddie to the left of Charlie.  Yes, they're in the "terrible twos," but they are wonderful little boys who will be best friends.

 This is Lucy, the little red-haired girl of the triumverate.  She is full of pee and vinegar, just like her mother was, and has been blessed with a fertile mind, also like her mother (and grandmother.)

 This is big sister, Elizabeth.  She is a cutie and is quite the princess.  She helps mom and dad with the triplets.

Daniel is Doug's three-year old.  He comes to visit every other weekend, much to his frustration.  Once here, he enjoys Shumpa and G-ma. 

Here is seven-year old Isaac.  He will be entering the 3rd grade next fall and will be every bit as smart as his mother, Rebecca.

So these are my grandbabies.  I am a fortunate, proud grandfather of them all!  

Trying to Let Go

Yesterday, a friend of mine got a tattoo and sent a text to show it to me.  I am pleased that he sent it to me; I am quite confident that I was one of the first people to see it on him.  The tattoo, prominently placed on his left chest, is of the three intersecting circles, circles used by industry to connote that something is radioactive.  He had first gotten a temporary henna tattoo of the circles to determine what kind of reaction he might receive to such an adornment.  He talked to me and others about its implications, and at length decided to get a real one. 

Not a lot of my friends have tattoos.  Nor are many of my friends gay.  But he is now tattooed, he is gay, and he is also HIV-positive, and is a wonderful person.  I care for him.

Reflecting back on my earlier years, I believe that I have not always been so open-minded.  My sheltered and religious upbringing in Utah kept me somewhat insulated from “the world.”  I was really innocent when I was sent to Argentina as a missionary for nearly two years, and only slightly less so raising a family in conservative, homogenous Utah.  I remember that  I was attracted to my wife partly because she was a “California girl,” and I thought that California girls were exciting and different.   I think that moving to California in 1994 was, in part, a conscious move on my part to expand my horizons and to succeed in the “real world.”

Since being sent my friend’s picture, I’ve been pondering this ongoing transition in my life.  Being surrounded by a little bit of everything here in Southern California, and now being in a profession that demands open-mindedness, it is quite something to me that I have come so far.  I find that I can be comfortable in many environments with many different types of people.  What is changing within me?

I recognize that humanity can be open-minded without spirituality, much less a belief in God.  I am grateful for such open-minded people in many lands doing so many good deeds out of the goodness of their hearts and their desire to help others. They are, for the most part, an inspiration to me. 

But for me, I have adopted a paradigm, a belief system if you will, that springs from a spiritual understanding.  I consider that I am no better and no worse than anybody else on the planet.  More importantly, I truly believe that God is no respecter of persons; that He loves everyone equally. 

I believe that He sees me and all of humanity as His children, and as a perfect loving parent, He loves every one of those children, no matter their station in life.  As a parent myself, I care for my four children.  I have tried to love them as best I could, whether they’ve made good or bad choices.  He does that perfectly.

If He loves everyone the same, how can I be better or worse than anybody else?  Should I consider myself worse than my brother Tom whose six children are all active members of the Church?  Should I consider myself better than him because I have a Bachelor’s and Master’s Degree and he doesn’t?   Does God love me less than people with gifted intellects and talents, or less than LDS Church leaders?  Does God love me more than the refugee escaping from war and bloodshed, or more than the man asking for a handout on the off-ramp or on-ramp of the freeway?  Is it possible that God loves me more than my newly-tattooed friend who is gay and is HIV-positive?

NO!  And if He doesn’t consider me better or worse, and He respects all humanity equally, why shouldn’t I do the same? 

I believe that relationships are either horizontal or vertical.  I have come to the conclusion that by making one’s relationship vertical—where there is a better and a worse, a higher and a lower—we physically distance ourselves, or emotionally distance ourselves from one another.  I believe we do that because of anxiety or fear we have of the “other” person, either consciously or subconsciously.  We do not understand “them” and don’t want to.  We do not feel comfortable being vulnerable with “them.”  It is easier to be judgmental and keep our distance so that we don’t have to engage with “them.”  I would propose this to be one of the main reasons why there is war and bloodshed all over God’s earth, why there is prejudice and bigotry, why there has always been a lot of unneeded pain and suffering in the world. 

By working to make one’s relationships more horizontal through surrendering our preconceived notions and being vulnerable—no easy thing to do, to be sure—we can experience great understanding, great humility, great caring, great empathy.  It is becoming quite freeing for me to begin to lose the chains of judgment.  And while I believe that there are some really bad people on the earth, I must be prudent in my judgments of them.

Asking understanding of those who read this blog who do not come from my LDS spiritual orientation, I believe that Jesus Christ, the Savior and Redeemer,  descended below all things in the Garden of Gethsemane and on the Cross at Calvary, so that He might have a more horizontal relationship with us, even though He is God.  I believe that because He took upon himself flesh and dwelt among us, He perfectly knows our pain, our sorrows, our fears, our anxieties.  And again, if He achieved and possesses perfect love and understanding, if He loves people equally, no matter how good or how terrible, rich or poor, black or white, gay or straight, why shouldn’t I attempt to do so as well if I’m trying to be like Him?

I am nowhere near where I ultimately want to end up in this regard.  My journey is full of missteps and judgments.  But, as my blog title indicates, I am in transition.  I am trying to let go.

Checking In

I seem to be somewhat inconsistent in writing in this blog.  I apologize to those who check in periodically for new postings only to find the same old entries.  It’s been awhile since my last one so I am taking a few minutes to catch up.

On April 22^nd my wife and I celebrated our 35^th wedding anniversary.  I enjoyed our celebrations, one of which was white water rafting on the Kings River in Central California.  We had done that before a few years ago and it was just as enjoyable.   That is a long time to be married, although my brother and sister have been married to their wonderful spouses for 57 and 53 years respectively.  In comparison to them, I’m a greenhorn!

I attended many of the BYU Men’s Volleyball games held in Southern California and cheered them to victory a number of times.  They won their league and made it to the Championship Game of the Final Four.  Sadly, their play was far too predictable against a Cal State Irvine team that they had beaten twice in the season and who obviously knew how BYU plays, and were beaten in a three-game sweep.  I really thought that they were going to win it all.  Oh well, there is always next year.

My daughter and her family need to move out of their rented home in New Jersey by June 30 so the owner can move in.  This sudden turn of events has placed Adam and Emily in crisis mode attempting to find a home that they could purchase that would not significantly add to Adam’s commute into the City, and would not cost significantly more per month than what they’re paying for their current rental home.  This is an optimal time to purchase a home with interest rates and prices being what they are.  It’s just not very convenient or optimal to have to make  decisions so quickly.  My thoughts and prayers are with them.

My brother Tom celebrated his 76^th birthday on May 6^th.  He is in reasonable good health and is mentally fit, working at his employment every weekday, unless he is coming to LA for the Rose Parade or going to Gilbert, Arizona to see his oldest daughter, Caren, and her family.  Again, at 58, I’m just a whippersnapper!  My desire is that he lives as long as he wants to, which by all indications is a long time.  He has been a constant in my life, as I have written in this blog, and I love him and his lovely wife, Janeen, of whom I have written in this blog as well.

I have finally finished my 3000 hours of therapy and must now fill out a form and send it to Sacramento to enable the regulating agency to schedule the test I need to take to become licensed.  That testing should occur before the end of this year and with heavenly help, I should be able to pass it and “hang the shingle.”  I have learned so much and continue to learn as I do this important and challenging work.  I am grateful to those peers who have helped me along the way and to the many folks who have sat across from me or surrounded me as I have led groups.

The earth wobbled a little bit recently when I decided to join the social media world and have a presence on Facebook.  Although many of the 190+ people who have “friended” me are young folks in their 20s or 30s from my time as a YSA bishop in the LDS Church, there are some connections with people that I haven’t had any communication with for years.  I have to say that one can get “sucked in” to the social media phenomena rather easily, and I am controlling how much time that I allot to it.  One of my motivations for having a Facebook presence was to let folks know there about my blog and about new postings such as this one.

I do have a challenge with both Facebook and this blog and my profession as a psychotherapist.   Obviously, whoever I deal with and whatever occurs in my sessions must be kept confidential.  Most therapists do not do Facebook and most do not blog, although I have seen exceptions to both.  I guess that it is a matter of what you want to reveal about yourself and what you choose to write about.  I need to be very careful.

So my life is full, I am quite contented (for better or worse), and I am very blessed.  I appreciate having this outlet to my feelings and thoughts, and having the few of you that do read this blog.