Blessings For Others and For Me

      Maybe it’s just my outlook on life.  Maybe I’m just getting more philosphical     in my advancing years. Maybe I just feel privileged to be alive.  But now that it has been nearly three weeks since the auto accident that could’ve taken my life, I feel the need to reflect on the blessings that I and others have received as a result of my misfortune.  This posting will be divided into two parts: the blessings others have received, and the blessings I have received. 

I want to thank so many folks who have sent warm wishes and thoughts to me in a variety of ways as well as those who have prayed   on my behalf and have placed my name on temple prayer rolls, something that LDS people do which accesses the faith and prayers of those attending the temple.   And most of all, I wish to thank God for preserving my life—again—and now for beginning the    process of healing my body.

OTHERS 

-    Given the opportunity to think about someone besides themselves

·    Given the opportunity to feel empathy or sympathy and thus be concerned about me, or the opportunity to be concerned that someone they know is concerned about me

·    Given the chance to offer service by sending cards, flowers, dinners, visiting me, or calling me

·    Given the chance to reflect on the fragility of life

·    Given the chance to appreciate what it’s like to not feel physical pain or soreness

·    Given the opportunity to realize how blessed/lucky not to have been involved in such an accident

·    Given the chance to verbally interact with friends, associates,  or family about me and my situation, and often with Ann

·    Given a reason, or yet another reason, to connect with God on my behalf, through prayer or fasting

MYSELF

·    Given the opportunity to learn to be dependent, to rely on others, to feel gratitude

·    Given the chance to realize how blessed I was to have good auto and health insurance

·    Given the opportunity to see how well our health system can work and how well trained doctors and nurses can be

·    Given the opportunity to see how well first responders do in such a triage situation 

·    Given the realization of how blessed I am to live in a country in which there are first responders that arrived quickly

·    Given to be able to access pain control medication

·    Given to know again that physical suffering allows me to appreciate the times when I don’t feel pain or soreness

·    Given to know how much suffering I saw in the hospital and how blessed that I only had some fractured ribs with some bumps and bruises

·    Given the realization that God preserved my life and has allowed me to continue living

·    Given to know again how God is involved in the details of my life and the lives of others

·    Given to know again the power of Priesthood prayer

·    Given to know again the power of my personal prayer

·    Given to know the blessing of having friends and family who are concerned about me

·    Given to know again the constant, unwavering love and caring of my siblings and their spouses

·    Given to know again the constant, unwavering love and caring of my children, and my grandchildren for “Mumpa” or “Pumpa”

·    Given to realize again how blessed I am to have such a wonderful, caring, protective, thoughtful wife

All of these blessings occurred to quite a few people because one person was distracted for a brief few seconds by a stinging wasp and ventured unknowingly and unwillingly into my car’s path.  I have no doubt but that God knew that was going to happen, since I have faith that He is all knowing.  He must have known that the person whose vehicle hit mine, his family, along with my family, friends, acquaintances and people who know of me but who do not know me personally--and I--needed some of the blessings listed above.  What a loving, gracious, merciful God He is!

·       

Trying to Let Go

Yesterday, a friend of mine got a tattoo and sent a text to show it to me.  I am pleased that he sent it to me; I am quite confident that I was one of the first people to see it on him.  The tattoo, prominently placed on his left chest, is of the three intersecting circles, circles used by industry to connote that something is radioactive.  He had first gotten a temporary henna tattoo of the circles to determine what kind of reaction he might receive to such an adornment.  He talked to me and others about its implications, and at length decided to get a real one. 

Not a lot of my friends have tattoos.  Nor are many of my friends gay.  But he is now tattooed, he is gay, and he is also HIV-positive, and is a wonderful person.  I care for him.

Reflecting back on my earlier years, I believe that I have not always been so open-minded.  My sheltered and religious upbringing in Utah kept me somewhat insulated from “the world.”  I was really innocent when I was sent to Argentina as a missionary for nearly two years, and only slightly less so raising a family in conservative, homogenous Utah.  I remember that  I was attracted to my wife partly because she was a “California girl,” and I thought that California girls were exciting and different.   I think that moving to California in 1994 was, in part, a conscious move on my part to expand my horizons and to succeed in the “real world.”

Since being sent my friend’s picture, I’ve been pondering this ongoing transition in my life.  Being surrounded by a little bit of everything here in Southern California, and now being in a profession that demands open-mindedness, it is quite something to me that I have come so far.  I find that I can be comfortable in many environments with many different types of people.  What is changing within me?

I recognize that humanity can be open-minded without spirituality, much less a belief in God.  I am grateful for such open-minded people in many lands doing so many good deeds out of the goodness of their hearts and their desire to help others. They are, for the most part, an inspiration to me. 

But for me, I have adopted a paradigm, a belief system if you will, that springs from a spiritual understanding.  I consider that I am no better and no worse than anybody else on the planet.  More importantly, I truly believe that God is no respecter of persons; that He loves everyone equally. 

I believe that He sees me and all of humanity as His children, and as a perfect loving parent, He loves every one of those children, no matter their station in life.  As a parent myself, I care for my four children.  I have tried to love them as best I could, whether they’ve made good or bad choices.  He does that perfectly.

If He loves everyone the same, how can I be better or worse than anybody else?  Should I consider myself worse than my brother Tom whose six children are all active members of the Church?  Should I consider myself better than him because I have a Bachelor’s and Master’s Degree and he doesn’t?   Does God love me less than people with gifted intellects and talents, or less than LDS Church leaders?  Does God love me more than the refugee escaping from war and bloodshed, or more than the man asking for a handout on the off-ramp or on-ramp of the freeway?  Is it possible that God loves me more than my newly-tattooed friend who is gay and is HIV-positive?

NO!  And if He doesn’t consider me better or worse, and He respects all humanity equally, why shouldn’t I do the same? 

I believe that relationships are either horizontal or vertical.  I have come to the conclusion that by making one’s relationship vertical—where there is a better and a worse, a higher and a lower—we physically distance ourselves, or emotionally distance ourselves from one another.  I believe we do that because of anxiety or fear we have of the “other” person, either consciously or subconsciously.  We do not understand “them” and don’t want to.  We do not feel comfortable being vulnerable with “them.”  It is easier to be judgmental and keep our distance so that we don’t have to engage with “them.”  I would propose this to be one of the main reasons why there is war and bloodshed all over God’s earth, why there is prejudice and bigotry, why there has always been a lot of unneeded pain and suffering in the world. 

By working to make one’s relationships more horizontal through surrendering our preconceived notions and being vulnerable—no easy thing to do, to be sure—we can experience great understanding, great humility, great caring, great empathy.  It is becoming quite freeing for me to begin to lose the chains of judgment.  And while I believe that there are some really bad people on the earth, I must be prudent in my judgments of them.

Asking understanding of those who read this blog who do not come from my LDS spiritual orientation, I believe that Jesus Christ, the Savior and Redeemer,  descended below all things in the Garden of Gethsemane and on the Cross at Calvary, so that He might have a more horizontal relationship with us, even though He is God.  I believe that because He took upon himself flesh and dwelt among us, He perfectly knows our pain, our sorrows, our fears, our anxieties.  And again, if He achieved and possesses perfect love and understanding, if He loves people equally, no matter how good or how terrible, rich or poor, black or white, gay or straight, why shouldn’t I attempt to do so as well if I’m trying to be like Him?

I am nowhere near where I ultimately want to end up in this regard.  My journey is full of missteps and judgments.  But, as my blog title indicates, I am in transition.  I am trying to let go.

The Ultimate Transition of My Friend Jason

         My friend Jason Akers passed away last Sunday.  His wife Christine asked me to speak at his memorial service. I tried to memorialize him in a respectful, heartfelt way.  It was very hard to talk because of my profound sense of loss, but I managed to get through it.  Since learning of his death, I've kind of been in a somber mood.  This loss has been an affirmation of my knowledge of how fragile my existence is and of the importance of living in the moment.  So here is my funeral talk.

Jason and I were friends.  I was very open about my life and he was open about his.  As such, we would sometimes discuss very personal matters.  Because I opened up to him and he to me, I came to have a sense of who he was and what was important to him.  I felt privileged that he trusted me enough to share his inner thoughts and feelings.  Whenever he would open up with me, I felt I was on sacred ground.  I came to really understand this man, my friend.

As he pondered his mortality and impending death, we would sometimes talk about his life on a macro scale.  In other words, we talked about what he felt he had accomplished and hadn’t accomplished, and what he had become and what he hadn’t become.  He lamented to me that he felt that there was so much he hadn’t accomplished and hadn’t become, and that he was trying not to be bitter about being deprived of the balance of a lifetime to accomplish and become.

I would like to share with you this solemn day what I saw that he had accomplished and what he had become.  And even though ultimately his life was cut even shorter than he expected, I would propose that he leaves a legacy of accomplishment and becoming.  Accomplishing in life does not necessarily equate to becoming.  A person can be very accomplished in their work or career, or even in responsibilities in their church congregations, without becoming a good individual with good values and character.  Jason would say that he didn’t accomplish much. I choose to focus on what he became, and I only wish (and I’m sure he would agree) that he had been given more time to become even more.

The first becoming I would like to share is how he became a good and caring man.  It would be a great understatement to say that His upbringing was challenging.  He would sometimes share with me how his family of origin was full of dysfunction and abuse and it would have been easy for him, and understandable for him, frankly, to live in that dysfunctional world for the rest of his life.  Instead, he made the choice to escape it and to try to have a meaningful life.  He used his upbringing as a bad example, as something not to allow himself or his family to become.  Sometimes, that can be a huge motivation for us and it certainly appeared to be a great incentive for good in him.  He became a caring man.  I marvel at how he was able to become so caring.   I knew he was a caring man because he cared for me, and I will always hold that caring in my heart.

The second becoming I am witness to is how he overcame challenges and adversity.  He was blessed with a dogged determination, or even, a stubbornness of spirit.  Perhaps his family would occasionally see a stubborn father or husband, but that same tenacity was useful in stoically sticking with changes he wanted to make in himself.  Once Jason put his mind to do something, it was eventually going to happen if it were in his control.  He obviously had many challenges and adversity, especially near the end of his life.  But for me, his determination was something to behold.  I have learned more about determination from his example than I have learned from just about any other person.

The third becoming would be how important his family came to be for him.  Having had such a challenging childhood, with an absence of family role models other than a kindly grandmother, he could have believed that life’s cards were stacked against him and given up.  But being the fighter that he was, he determined to give his children what he had not received.  Did he always do the right thing in his child rearing?  Nobody always makes the right decisions in the excruciatingly difficult job of raising children, except for God.  But he tried the best that he could.  His intention was be the best father possible.  He would tell me how deeply he cared for Aaron and Linnet and Mallory.  Christine was his childhood sweetheart and the key to a more normal family life than what he had experienced.  She was and is very important to him. And now that he is in heaven, I must think that he deeply misses them all.

The fourth becoming I would like to touch on was his great, insatiable thirst for knowledge.  He always seemed to be reading something.  He never seemed to get enough.  He loved to learn and anybody who talked with Jason for any length of time would soon understand that he was well-read.  He could wax eloquent on any number of subjects and not superficially.  He was always open to new ideas, new concepts, new ways of looking at things.  Even in the last difficult time of his life, he seemed hungry to know about what was happening to him.  It is a humble person who realizes that he or she does not know it all and wants to become better informed, and Jason personified that humility.  I have to believe that part of Christine’s attraction to Jason was that desire to learn more and use that knowledge to benefit himself, his family, and others.

Living each day to the fullest would be the next becoming I perceived.  This was something that became important to Jason in the last few years of his life.  He came to appreciate being alive and being completely aware of those around him.  He grieved over not having been more awake and cognizant of each day.  Especially at the very end, when he knew that his time here on earth was drawing to a close, he sincerely wanted to enjoy each day and to experience life as fully as his failing body would allow.  His pain would sometimes get the best of him, but that determination and positivity would kick in.  No wonder that he went to Disneyland last Friday.  That alone speaks volumes.

Lastly, the becoming that might be the most important was his embrace of the Gospel plan.  Even though he was quick to downplay his knowledge of Gospel doctrine and scriptures, he knew that what he had been taught was true and eternally important.  He believed in the power of prayer.  He knew that Heavenly Father lived, that Jesus was His Son, and that the Savior had performed the Atonement, and Jason was determined to live Gospel principles the best way he could.  He took pride in belonging to the Church, and dearly wanted his children to be blessed by its teachings.

So you and I are left with this great legacy of this good man.  Funerals are not for those who’ve passed on but for those who remain.  What shall do we with his life?  Or perhaps more importantly, what shall we become because of Jason Akers?  Shall we not be more good and caring?  Shall we not overcome adversity and challenge with dogged determination as he did?  Shall we not hold our families close to us and put them as the highest priority in our lives?  Shall we not hunger and thirst after knowledge?  Shall we not live each day as if it were our last—because it might be?  Jason’s untimely death reminds us of that fact.  And finally, shall we not seek truth and determine what God’s plan is for us?

Let us hold close and sacred his memory and allow those memories to influence us to be better people—better parents, better children, better citizens, better disciples of God.  What will be said by others at our funerals of our becoming when we pass through the veil and embrace Jason? 

   

BIRTHDAY TRIBUTE TO JANEEN

Janeen and My Brother Tom at the Beach

          On the occasion of her 75^th birthday, I wanted to take some time to write about my favorite sister-in-law.  I want her and the world to know how I feel about her.  She is no ordinary woman.  And rather than talk about her to others at some future point when she is pushing up  

daisies, I want her to know now!

          Since she got married to my brother Tom when I was less than three years old, I do not know a world without Janeen.  She has been a constant in my own life and that of my wife and children, supportive and loving through thick and thin.  I want you to know Janeen, as best I can describe her from the many interactions I and my family have had with her through these many years.

          Janeen ‘s greatest attribute is her ability to love, regardless of whether someone is worthy or not of that love .  I would be willing to bet a lot of money that if one were to ask just about anyone who interacts with her, from her children, grand children, great grand children, to friends or even acquaintances, they would tell you that they feel that Janeen cares about them.  She involves herself in their lives, anxious to know how they’re doing, what is happening in their lives—and she does so, I believe, because of her amazing ability to love.  It doesn’t matter if you are not living in the way she thinks you should live (I’m thinking of when my oldest daughter Rebecca lived with her and Tom); she looks past what a person does and looks at the lovable person that they are.  It doesn’t matter if a person has caused her grief (I’m thinking about my mother whom Janeen took care of during the closing months of her life); she continues to love them. It doesn’t matter if you are mentally or emotionally afflicted (I’m thinking about her tireless work with that population in her school district); she loves them even more.  It doesn’t matter if a person has not been considerate of her feelings (I’m sure I’ve done that in the past as has Tom, her offspring and others); she will look past the hurt and love them.

          I can honestly say that of all of the people that I have known closely—family, friends, co-workers, fellow believers—Janeen is the most loving and caring of them all.  To me, she exemplifies to the greatest degree the kind of love that God has for his children.  If that seem like lofty hyperbole, I am not given to doing that, and the person challenging that statement has not felt of her love for them.

          She goes out of her way to show you that she cares.  One would be hard pressed to count all of the meals she has lovingly provided me and others in her home and elsewhere.  I cannot count all of the encouraging words that she has freely given me and mine through the years.  If ever you need her to do something, she will move heaven and earth to accomplish it.  If ever you need her to take care of somebody on your behalf, she is there 100%.  If ever you need a shoulder to cry on, she will offer you hers and shed tears with you.

From my psychologically trained perspective (for what that is worth), I believe that she is capable of  loving and caring and being available for others because she has such a healthy view of herself, accepting who she is, warts and all, so that her issues do not get in the way of her interactions with others.  In other words, she is able to give so much because her issues do not get in her way, thus allowing her to better focus on you.  Most other people, and I include myself in that group, are challenged to be so available to others because our inadequacies get in our way.  Perhaps she can focus on others because she really does understand her relationship to her God, and she understands that the most important thing that we can do here in mortality is to love.  Everything else is subordinate to loving people.

          Another amazing attribute of this amazing woman is her attitude.  I am sure she has moments when physical ailments press in on her, or she feels some level of discouragement, but she deals with them in private (I guess) and does whatever she can to help you be happy and grateful.  (My family and I will forever quote her famous refrain, “aren’t we lucky?)  She has an uncanny ability to cheer you up, probably because she does not take herself very seriously.  She really tries to enjoy life and will do all within her power to help you enjoy your life as well.

          I am so appreciative that she has loved my brother through good and bad, always at his side following him wherever he has gone, being his counterpoint.  I am 100% sure that among the great legacies she has given to her posterity is her undying love and support for Tom (even though like most wives there are times, I’m sure, when she would like to kick him off the dock at Bear Lake!)  How many wives would have cheerfully lived in Nigeria or lived in a tiny flat in England as she did?

 I just want to conclude by saying that she is one of the greatest examples that I have this side of heaven.  I feel very blessed that I have had the privilege to have her grace my life.  I cherish her love and caring.  I selfishly hope that she is blessed with a good many more years here in mortality so that I may yet feel of her love for me.  May God’s choicest blessings be upon you now and forever, Janeen!