WANTING TO WANT

When I was quite young, my mother developed colon cancer and as a result had a colostomy in which her bowel was rerouted to a stoma on the side front of her body.  This radical surgery apparently not only traumatized her (she reportedly had a nervous breakdown as a result and took anti-depressants for the rest of her life) but also my father.  I don’t know if prior to the operation and breakdown her nature was to be very emotionally needy, but she definitely was afterward, and he did not respond well to her neediness.  I was too young to really absorb what was occurring in their relationship at the time, but in retrospect, there seems to have been little or no emotional intimacy between them when I was growing up. 

As a result of my mother’s neediness, she looked to the only other person physically near her who could satisfy it: me.  My brother and sister were both married, and I was her dutiful “baby” who would do just about whatever she wanted. I was an obedient, good boy by nature and an ideal foil for her neediness. When there was a behavior that she wanted from me that I did not want to do, she would often say, “I’ll just go and eat worms.”  I didn’t fully understand this dynamic at the time; I just wanted to please my mother because she was my mother.  (As I write this, I feel tremendous sadness, and I feel tears welling up in my eyes.)  I didn’t know any better.  

The result of this emotional manipulation combined with being tender hearted by nature and not wanting her or anybody else to suffer, was to set me on a life course of putting others’ emotional needs before mine, and being willing to always give up what I want for the wants of others.  It further means that I have gone through most of my adult life flailing about trying to figure out what I want, what I can feel passionate about.

No wonder that I went through university not really knowing what I wanted to study and major in, finally settling on Spanish and Teaching English as a Second Language to give me employment options to help me find a career that I really wanted.  No wonder that I have spent my entire post-university life in a career that is easy (too easy) and safe that was put in my lap by my father.  No wonder I looked through the years for other career possibilities (teaching, tourism, self-employment) only to settle for what was known and provided a constant supply of funds for my family.  

I have to acknowledge that my life has not been completely void of want or passion.  I have wanted to have a good marriage, and in my own codependent way (at times) I have tried to provide emotional constancy and support to Ann.  Sadly, it has sometimes been at the expense of behaviors I probably wanted.  I have been passionate about my religiosity, and through the years I have felt joy in learning Gospel truths and serving others in my various lay service capacities.  I have wanted to be reliable to my children, wanting them to always know that their father loves them no matter what.  I have pursued my musical hobbies which have brought me great joy and satisfaction.  I have been passionate about staying informed about current events.  I have wanted to maintain friendships with male friends through the years and have been successful doing so.  I am passionate in my appreciation for the beauties of nature (just look at some of my blog postings!)

Because I have sensed a lack of want and passion in my life, I have in recent times attempted to pay more attention to those feelings of want and passion. Since I grew up fairly poor, I have felt the want to be freer with money.  Because I have not been able to sing regularly the past few years I have begun to spend as much time as possible with the Southern California Mormon Choir (I am singing with them in performance early this Easter morning).  I asked for and received a camera for Christmas and I am endeavoring to become a more adept photographer, a talent I have always wanted but let slip by.  I love writing this blog, and feel great passion as a write in it.  I feel great passion when I am surrounded by nature, involving all of my senses.  Perhaps most significantly, I have been allowing myself to assert myself in my marriage, often doing what I want to do and not acquiescing to what Ann necessarily wants or would like.

Thus, having felt some passion as I have transitioned through my life, and feeling more passion and want now than I have ever felt, I am confronted now with existential dilemmas.  I really enjoy my life presently, especially the new awakenings of want that I am feeling.  Anybody who has been reading my blog should be able to sense my heartfelt gratitude for my life and just how blessed I feel.  It is a comfortable place (a couple of people who know me well might say, “too comfortable”).  I feel great contentedness for what is my life, humbled that I am so fortunate (those same couple of people might say, “too contented”)

 

So am I deceiving myself?  Am I opting for comfort when discomfort is what passionate/wanting people feel?  Should I always be angry with my mother? Is feeling contented really a good thing?  Is my comfort and contentment just repeating the same, well-known behavior of accepting what my circumstances are, or are my gradual forays into wanting and passion enough?   Am I rationalizing, or am I paying too much attention to what some people who know me well are suggesting to me, surrendering myself once again to persons outside of me?  If I want something I’ve never had before, then must I have to do something I’ve never done? Am I rigid in my religiosity, of thinking that I have found truth and that I am so blessed and that I am in a pretty good place and is that keeping me from feeling—from wanting and from passion—and do I find virtue in that?  Is constantly wanting a virtue?  What is enough? Does wanting ever end and contentment begin?  Am I just copping out?

This is really hard for me to navigate.  Transitions can be uncomfortable….