WANTING TO WANT

When I was quite young, my mother developed colon cancer and as a result had a colostomy in which her bowel was rerouted to a stoma on the side front of her body.  This radical surgery apparently not only traumatized her (she reportedly had a nervous breakdown as a result and took anti-depressants for the rest of her life) but also my father.  I don’t know if prior to the operation and breakdown her nature was to be very emotionally needy, but she definitely was afterward, and he did not respond well to her neediness.  I was too young to really absorb what was occurring in their relationship at the time, but in retrospect, there seems to have been little or no emotional intimacy between them when I was growing up. 

As a result of my mother’s neediness, she looked to the only other person physically near her who could satisfy it: me.  My brother and sister were both married, and I was her dutiful “baby” who would do just about whatever she wanted. I was an obedient, good boy by nature and an ideal foil for her neediness. When there was a behavior that she wanted from me that I did not want to do, she would often say, “I’ll just go and eat worms.”  I didn’t fully understand this dynamic at the time; I just wanted to please my mother because she was my mother.  (As I write this, I feel tremendous sadness, and I feel tears welling up in my eyes.)  I didn’t know any better.  

The result of this emotional manipulation combined with being tender hearted by nature and not wanting her or anybody else to suffer, was to set me on a life course of putting others’ emotional needs before mine, and being willing to always give up what I want for the wants of others.  It further means that I have gone through most of my adult life flailing about trying to figure out what I want, what I can feel passionate about.

No wonder that I went through university not really knowing what I wanted to study and major in, finally settling on Spanish and Teaching English as a Second Language to give me employment options to help me find a career that I really wanted.  No wonder that I have spent my entire post-university life in a career that is easy (too easy) and safe that was put in my lap by my father.  No wonder I looked through the years for other career possibilities (teaching, tourism, self-employment) only to settle for what was known and provided a constant supply of funds for my family.  

I have to acknowledge that my life has not been completely void of want or passion.  I have wanted to have a good marriage, and in my own codependent way (at times) I have tried to provide emotional constancy and support to Ann.  Sadly, it has sometimes been at the expense of behaviors I probably wanted.  I have been passionate about my religiosity, and through the years I have felt joy in learning Gospel truths and serving others in my various lay service capacities.  I have wanted to be reliable to my children, wanting them to always know that their father loves them no matter what.  I have pursued my musical hobbies which have brought me great joy and satisfaction.  I have been passionate about staying informed about current events.  I have wanted to maintain friendships with male friends through the years and have been successful doing so.  I am passionate in my appreciation for the beauties of nature (just look at some of my blog postings!)

Because I have sensed a lack of want and passion in my life, I have in recent times attempted to pay more attention to those feelings of want and passion. Since I grew up fairly poor, I have felt the want to be freer with money.  Because I have not been able to sing regularly the past few years I have begun to spend as much time as possible with the Southern California Mormon Choir (I am singing with them in performance early this Easter morning).  I asked for and received a camera for Christmas and I am endeavoring to become a more adept photographer, a talent I have always wanted but let slip by.  I love writing this blog, and feel great passion as a write in it.  I feel great passion when I am surrounded by nature, involving all of my senses.  Perhaps most significantly, I have been allowing myself to assert myself in my marriage, often doing what I want to do and not acquiescing to what Ann necessarily wants or would like.

Thus, having felt some passion as I have transitioned through my life, and feeling more passion and want now than I have ever felt, I am confronted now with existential dilemmas.  I really enjoy my life presently, especially the new awakenings of want that I am feeling.  Anybody who has been reading my blog should be able to sense my heartfelt gratitude for my life and just how blessed I feel.  It is a comfortable place (a couple of people who know me well might say, “too comfortable”).  I feel great contentedness for what is my life, humbled that I am so fortunate (those same couple of people might say, “too contented”)

 

So am I deceiving myself?  Am I opting for comfort when discomfort is what passionate/wanting people feel?  Should I always be angry with my mother? Is feeling contented really a good thing?  Is my comfort and contentment just repeating the same, well-known behavior of accepting what my circumstances are, or are my gradual forays into wanting and passion enough?   Am I rationalizing, or am I paying too much attention to what some people who know me well are suggesting to me, surrendering myself once again to persons outside of me?  If I want something I’ve never had before, then must I have to do something I’ve never done? Am I rigid in my religiosity, of thinking that I have found truth and that I am so blessed and that I am in a pretty good place and is that keeping me from feeling—from wanting and from passion—and do I find virtue in that?  Is constantly wanting a virtue?  What is enough? Does wanting ever end and contentment begin?  Am I just copping out?

This is really hard for me to navigate.  Transitions can be uncomfortable….

My Siblings - Comparison and Contrast

I am the youngest of the three children of Albert Earl Davis and Bess Davis. (Yes, my mother was a Davis before her marriage to my father)  My siblings are visiting Southern California to spend time with my wife Ann and with me and to attend the New Year’s Day Tournament of Roses Parade in Pasadena.   I thought that it would be interesting to do a blog entry in which I “compare and contrast” myself with my siblings.  I want the world to know about them and the wonderful people they are.

I will write mostly about my siblings only and not their spouses in this blog post.  I acknowledge that much of who my siblings are today is the result of their long term relationships with them.  But I want to focus on just my siblings.  (I have written about Tom’s wife, Janeen, in a March 2012 posting.)  For the record, Tom and Janeen have been married for 56 years.   Darlene has been married to Bill, my brother-in-law, for 52 years.  I love both of my in-laws, and appreciate their love for Tom and Darlene.  Interestingly, between the three sibling couples, there are 142 years of marriage—with no divorce in sight!

My brother, Thomas Charles Davis, was born on May 6, 1937, in Salt Lake City.  He is the first born and displays many characteristics of a first born child.  More about that later.  He was raised in Salt Lake City and a couple of other towns in World War II times (one was in San Francisco, on Haight Street one block from Ashbury) by newly married, young parents.  Our parents were raised by blue collar parents, descended from blue collar people, two being immigrants from Denmark and Wales.  As such, Tom, and for that matter, Darlene, were raised in an era of modest income and living.  For most of Tom’s formative years, my parents were not active in the LDS Church.

Tom made a decision to not serve a mission for the Church but to marry Janeen, his high school sweetheart.  In high school, he had begun to show “first born” leadership characteristics, and served as the president of the Boys/Men’s organization of West High.  He attended two quarters at the University of Utah but opted to pursue a business career.  It was during a time in which post-high school education was not necessary to earn a meaningful living, and Tom was blessed with a strong sense of who he was as well as his blossoming leadership abilities which served him well even at a tender age. 

For example, in his late 20s and early 30s, he was given great responsibilities in companies.  He and Janeen and three of their eventual six children were sent to Peru to be in charge of operations for a mining and drilling company when he was but 27 or 28 years old.  He also was responsible for sales in a multi-state region in the eastern United States soon thereafter.  Tom believed in and was respected for his abilities and confidently went about using his talents in the business world.  He provided a comfortable living for his family, a white collar lifestyle unknown to generations before.

His abilities only increased the older he became.  He and two others started a large modular home construction business and generated considerable wealth.  Because of his abilities, he was called to several leadership positions in the Church.  He was confident of who he was and was blessed with wisdom.  It was his kind and loving wisdom and direction, in fact, that directed me in some major decisions of my life—choosing to attend Brigham Young University rather than the University of Utah, and to marry Ann.

He has lived in the same split entry home for over 40 years and has successfully launched his six children: Caren, Ann, Leslie, Tom Jr., Steve and David.  He has served two LDS missions with Janeen in his retirement years and is always willing to serve in whatever lay positions he is assigned.  He lives a contented life.  He still loves his sweetheart (and she is a sweetheart!) after so many years.

Darlene Davis was born March 29, 1942, in the middle of World War II, in Salt Lake City.  Like my brother, she was raised by young, blue collar parents who had the energy to interact with her.  She had my brother to socialize with, and although there were five years between them, they lived in the same house and interacted.   Unlike my brother, she evolved to become in some ways the “anti-Tom.”  I believe that occurred because of who she was as a person and because of a poor relationship with our father.  It might also be that Tom was perceived as the achieving, obedient child and set the bar very high for her.  It could be said that in her formative years she displayed rebellious “second child” tendencies.  Not that she was a party girl or got involved with the wrong crowd, but life was not pleasant for her, especially with our father, and she got married to Bill right out of high school.  

She and Bill eked out a living in their early married years.  She chose to be a stay-at-home mother with their six children: Jeff, Natalie, Tamra, Mark, Jill and Mike.  They had to live modestly, but she became a great homemaker, always making her home comfortable and attractive, even when she didn’t have a lot of money to work with.  One of my early childhood memories was riding my bicycle to her tiny apartment (located next to the home in which my mother was raised) parking it in the back behind it, and seeing Darlene as I attended 7^th grade at Jackson Junior High School, spending a little time in that little attractive apartment.  She always treated her little brother in a loving, kind way. 

In my early dating years, we kept in touch.  Upon my graduation from high school, she threw a great party for me in the back yard of her modest home.   Her house always felt comfortable and I felt accepted there.  She seemed to take pride in her home and it seemed to have fervor as a homemaker.

She kept the home fires burning while Bill worked long hours.  He worked as a journeyman glazier for many years and then formed a partnership with his brother to create Mollerup Glass Company   He worked hard at building this business with Darlene’s support, and the business flourished.  Meanwhile, she attempted to be a good mother and to serve well in lay callings in the LDS Church.  Like Tom, she has a flair for creativity and art and has used that through the years to enhance her home and her Church callings. 

After a number of hard-working years, Bill sold his business for a good sum which has afforded him and Darlene to live a comfortable, white collar lifestyle.  They have stayed in their lovely home for many years as well.  It is wonderfully decorated inside and out.  She has continued serving in Church callings and loves being a grandmother and now a great grandmother.  Like Tom, she has aches and pains and challenges of advancing years, but like Tom, does not act her age.

My upbringing was very different from my sibling’s upbringings.  The parents of my youth acted old.  As best I can remember, there was very little of the interaction with me that my siblings speak of receiving from our parents.  I recall wanting to do fun things with them but that rarely occurred.  Since Tom had married when I wasn’t quite three (I was in his wedding reception line!) and Darlene had married when I was still five, I had no siblings to play or interact with, or to develop my social skills.  In this environment, I was left on my own and in my head.  A quiet and obedient boy, I didn’t talk much, and while I had a few neighborhood friends, much of my youthful years were spent alone.  

I believe that out of a lack of sibling and parental interaction, I had limited awareness of who I was and what my strengths were.  I always felt “less than,” and while I knew I had some abilities and talents, I always felt unsure of myself, perhaps from the lack of feedback.  But I was a pleaser and always tried to be the obedient boy.  I was always grateful for the interactions that I had with my much older brother and sister.

Education was not stressed at all growing up, other than getting some money for As and Bs.  I just knew that I needed to continue my education after high school.  At length, with the help of my “brother/father,” I enrolled at BYU, and continued there for some two years, until I did something that neither my brother nor any of my male progenitors had done: I served an LDS mission.  Upon my return from two years’ service, I continued my studies at university.  Sadly, not really knowing who I was or what I wanted in life, I never felt passion for a major, and opted to give myself options after graduation to utilize the Spanish language skill I had acquired by majoring in Spanish and minoring in Teaching English as a Second Language.  Again, this was done in a vacuum; no direction, no real passion, no real understanding of who I was.

Upon returning from living in Japan as an English Teacher (living in Japan was a daring move to be sure that afforded me experience in achieving and becoming), my mother encouraged me to become involved with my father doing what he had done for 34 years—selling rags.   Being obedient, and not really knowing what else I could do to support my family at the time, I became a rag man.  I still am a rag man.  I was somewhat enthused about the rag business for the first 10 years or so, but always was looking for something to excite me and to use the talents I was beginning to see in myself.  I think that I settled into a line of work that provided modestly for my growing family, but which did not really evoke passion.

I accepted callings in the Church along the way but it was not until well into middle age that I received responsibilities requiring leadership.   I always tried to be obedient, both to God and to my parents.

Financially, my married life for the most part has been one of having “sufficient for our needs” but not much more.  While I have been in white collar jobs for most of my adult life, our finances have barely been white collar.  It was only after Ann went back to school, got her Master’s Degree, and was hired as a Community College math professor, that we have had more than sufficient.  Because of our age disparity, both Tom and Darlene are retired and both have financially comfortable retirements.   Obviously, Ann and I aren’t quite there yet and continue in our late-blooming careers.  I must admit to having felt envy to some extent in my middle age at the comfort both of my siblings and their spouses had worked so hard to obtain.  But we are doing well now—it was just a matter of timing.

In 1994, Ann, I and the kids, left the cocoon of the Salt Lake Valley and moved to the Los Angeles area where we have lived to the present.  This represents another deviation from the Davis sibling norm in my journey.   It has been a challenge to live apart from them, both for my children and for us, to physically be away from those face-to-face family gatherings and connections.  

Ann obtained her Doctorate from UCLA and I received my Master’s Degree in Psychology in 2009, representing further educational deviations from my sibling norm (not Ann’s family’s norm).   Finally finding my passion in doing psychotherapy, I am doing something vocationally that is quite different from my siblings, although Tom has done much pastoral counseling in his leadership roles.  I am finally passionate about something, and it is something that is making a difference in the lives of people.

My sense is that I am quite different from my siblings in many ways.  On the other hand, I do believe that we have many similarities because of parallels in our upbringings.   And while the miles and our ages separate us, I feel very connected with them.  I love and care deeply for them, and I sense that those feelings are reciprocal.  I feel accepted by them and their spouses.  

I am really looking forward to spending time with the four of them—on my turf.  I feel blessed to have them here this weekend, and in my life.