It has been some time since I blogged specifically about aspects of my therapeutic work. I have written in the past about codependency, the mother of all addictions (in the sense that it is the most widespread addiction and that most other addictions occur as a result of or concurrent with it), and feel that it is so prevalent in society that I wanted to bring it up again.
As I was reading in a recovery book, I came across some codependency behaviors from Dr. Patrick Carnes’ book Don’t Call It Love. And while this landmark book was written with a specific addiction in mind (sexual), much of it applies to all addictions. Codependency even occurs when there is no addiction in sight, although it could be argued that anybody who tries to control another’s behavior or acquiesces to another and allows their own values to change, is addicted to that person’s behavior(s) and as such is codependent. Codependency can occur even in “healthy” relationships, and not just spousal relationships, but also in other relationships and with children.
Dr. Carnes’ book came from working with over one thousand sexually addicted people and their spouses or partners. I wanted to share these codependent behaviors for anyone who might see themselves in one or more of them.
· Collusion Many cover up for the addicted person (or person who is having difficulties) by keeping secrets or lying.
· Obsessive Preoccupation It is difficult for them not to play detective and neglect others in focusing on fixing the addict (or struggling person/child).
· Denial Ignoring the reality and keeping busy with other things can cause them to overextend in other areas.
· Emotional Turmoil Codependent behavior causes people to ride an emotional roller coaster and have a hard time stabilizing emotions.
· Manipulation Some use sexuality (or some other behavior) as a tool to manipulate a spouse (or another or a child).
· Excessive Responsibility They are extremely tough on themselves and blame themselves for getting into the relationship in the first place and for not being able to stop the addictive (or maladaptive) behavior.
· Compromise or Loss of Self They may find they are giving up their own interests and even their values or morals in their attempts to accommodate those who are addicted (or who are really struggling).
· Blame and Punishment Some have affairs or act out in other harmful ways; they may shame their spouse (or other person or child) by telling intimate details of his/her current or past behavior to others.
· Sexual Reactivity The predominate impulse was to close down sexually, although some might become hypersexual to hold the addict in the relationship.
For anyone who really wants to evaluate themselves to determine the length to which they might be codependent or have codependent behaviors, I would highly recommend another landmark book, this one by Melody Beattie called Codependent No More, which is available in all bookstores be they brick and mortar or online.
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