Waking Up to Who You Are Requires Letting Go of Who You Imagine Yourself to Be

 

As you might know if you follow this blog, much of the therapy work that I do involves working with clients with addictions.  Most who read my words are not compulsively watching porn, or exercising far too many hours a day, or making themselves vomit, or washing their hands 50 times a day, or narcissistically spending hours on social media sites like Facebook, or are always drinking alcohol, or shooting heroin.  That’s fair.  But many people are addicted to something or someone.  And it can even be the persons sitting next to you on your pew at church--or you.

It’s been my experience in the work I do that some people are addicted to their spouses.  They allow their partner to determine to a significant degree if they are happy or sad, carefree or depressed.   This occurs when they focus on the other’s behavior or words and lose their own internal compass.  They are so needy for validation or for emotional connection that when the partner doesn't offer what they feel they deserve or need for whatever reason, they tend to go to pieces.   They see their partners as an extension of themselves and are unwilling to acknowledge that their partners are individuals with their own upbringing, life experiences, and needs, and that maybe, just maybe, they see things differently.  They are addicted to the emotional “drug” that their partner/dealer needs to provide for them to be happy and validated.

Some parents are addicted to their children.  These can be those helicopter parents who hover over their kids, making sure that their offspring are involved in everything, attending the very best schools, and involved in numerous extra-curricular activities .  These are those parents who seem to live life vicariously through their little ones.  These are those who feel bad when they are unable to do everything they would like to do, or who just can’t sacrifice enough, for their sweet darlings.  These are the parents who are so focused on their children that they do not focus on one another, and as such, their marriage is shaky and emotional intimacy is almost non-existent.

Some people have a compulsion to be correct.  They were likely brought up in a home in which if you weren't correct you were criticized or made fun of, or they were raised by a parent who always had to be rigidly right.   Their egos are currently so fragile that they have to prove to everyone, including loved ones, that they know what is best and that they should not be challenged.   They are quick to zero in on the flaw in a loved one’s argument or a wrong word.  It doesn't matter if they make loved ones feel bad; in their addiction they've got to be right, and they’re right, damn it!

Some people have been so abused or hurt growing up that they now feel unable to be vulnerable or real, and addictively hide behind an emotional wall.  The wall has been built one brick, one event, at a time over a lifetime.  The world, and in particular relationships, are not a safe place, and they do not want to be hurt emotionally yet again.  They see the risk being too great to venture out.  And while existing behind the wall is a lonely place, it is a known place, and it’s safe there.   Why risk that comfort and security?   The wall is the addiction of these scared souls.

Some people these days are addicted to all things political.  They listen incessantly to talk radio or to pundit news broadcasts or read or watch online political websites.   Their lives seemed to be consumed by the misdeeds of politicians who can do no good or no bad.   They seem to be so focused on what is wrong that they are challenged to stop long enough to be grateful for what is right—to smell the roses.   These people seem to be focused like a laser on social reform or social justice.    They are fearful in some conscious or subconscious way of those who would think differently than they do, attacking them personally rather than on their views.   Their need to be right and for the other person to be wrong is insatiable.

Some people are addicted to religiosity.  Religiosity?  Yes, religiosity.  One can be addicted to strict religious observance.  Look no farther than the New Testament to read about the Pharisees.  They were addicted to obedience to the law.  The law, or the obedience to the law, became all-consuming for the Pharisees in Jesus’ day.  The weightier matters of loving God and loving others were subordinated by their need to be seen as obedient.   This behavior can be seen in our day by those who rigidly look to religious programs as the end and not the means to the end—of becoming loving, kind, thoughtful, caring, empathetic.    Aren't the commandments meant to help us become, or is our strict obedient or righteous behavior to them what is most important?

My purpose in writing this post was to have you look at your life and determine if there is an addiction or addictive tendencies in there somewhere.  Indeed, if I have awakened you to look at your life, and you see something there that might fit such tendencies, it would be worthwhile to let it/them go, to enable you to be all that you can be, unencumbered by these or other insidious beliefs.  Indeed, waking up to who you are requires letting go of who you imagine yourself to be!

Boundaries -- Part 1

In geography, boundaries are the borders marking a state, a country, or a person's land.  Unlike states on maps, we don't have thick black lines delineating OUR boundaries.  Yet each of us has our own territory.  Our boundaries define and contain that territory, which includes our bodies, minds, emotions, spirit, possessions, and rights. Boundaries define and surround all our energy, the individual self that we each call "me."  Our borders are invisible, but real.  There is a place where I end and you begin.  The purpose of this blog post is to help you learn to identify and have respect for that line.

I use the term boundary frequently in the recovery work that I do with those with addictive behaviors (most people) and their loved ones whose lives have been affected by those behaviors.  It is used to describe an action--setting a boundary--meaning an attempt to set a limit on someone.  Often, when this term is used and attempted, the person is saying to someone that he or she can't use us, hurt us, or take what we have, whether those possessions are concrete or abstract.  The person has decided to tell someone that they can't abuse them, or otherwise invade or infringe on them in a particular way.  The person has decided to no longer allow someone to trample on them.

But boundaries are supposed to be taught by parents, and often parents did not have a sense of boundaries, or built emotional walls instead of boundaries, or had boundaries with holes in them, or did not have consequences that put "teeth" in the boundaries.  Likely, their parents may not have had boundaries on their own actions or the actions of those around them.  Thus the dysfunction can be multi-generational, and the dysfunction can powerfully distill to the present. Inappropriate generational roles among family members, and inappropriate roles between one's family and other families, can also hurt boundary formation.

Although some people are fortunate enough to emerge into adulthood knowing who they are, and what their rights are and aren't, many emerge into adulthood with damaged, scarred, or non-existent boundaries.  Those who saw them modeled learned not to trespass on other people's territories do not now allow others to invade theirs.  They have healthy boundaries and a solid sense of self.  But for others, boundaries are inconsistent, rarely or never attached to consequences, and are completely off their radar.

Sometimes, people are so overwhelmed in their own territories that they construct thick and high emotional walls to protect themselves from being hurt anymore. The walls usually start to be built in childhood when a child's boundaries and rights are invaded or violated, or they are forced into inappropriate roles with those around them. Children may have weak or non-existent boundaries if they were emotionally or physically neglected or abandoned, or if they weren't nurtured or weren't raised with appropriate discipline and limits.  They may not have developed a "self," an identity, or a healthy sense of self-esteem, because it's challenging for a "self" to form in a void.  Regardless, these walls serve as a learned coping strategy for adults that represent a sort of castle, not letting anybody get in, but also a prison, not allowing the person to get out.

Abuse, humiliation, or shame by one's caregivers damages boundaries, and the abuse, humiliation, or shame do not necessarily have had to have been in significant or memorable ways.  These behaviors can result in significant holes in one's boundaries.  As an adult, they are vulnerable to invasion in those areas until they repair and strengthen that part of their border.

If one had to take care of someone who was supposed to be their caregiver, they may believe other people's thoughts, feelings, and problems are their responsibility.  If they lived with someone who encouraged them to be overly dependent on him or her, they may not have learned they had a complete sense of their "own-ness."  They may have entered into adulthood feeling like they were half of something, and needed another person to be complete.

Controlling people invade territory.  They trespass, and think that it's their right to do so.  If one lived with someone who tried to control their thoughts, bodies, or feelings, their boundaries may have been damaged.  If their rights to their emotions, thoughts, bodies, privacy, and possessions weren't respected, they may not know as adults that they have rights.  They may not know others' rights either.

How we connected with our primary caregiver determines how we connect with others as adults.  One's boundaries determine how one fits or bonds with those around them.  If a person has weak boundaries, they may get lost in another's territory.  Relationships can cause fear because a person might feel too vulnerable and fear losing all that they have, including themselves.

People feel most comfortable around people who have healthy boundaries.  The saying goes "fences make good neighbors," and such a border engenders comfort. The challenge is to develop healthy boundaries, not too pliable or too rigid.  It is important to look at one's "fences" to determine if any pieces or sections of it need repair or replacement, or if an entire part needs to be constructed.  It is in one's own best interest to do so, thus the reason for this blog posting.

As healthy boundaries are developed, there evolves an appropriate sense of roles among family members, others, and one's self.  Respect for one's self and others is learned, not allowing one's self to be abused or to abuse.  With healthy boundaries, one cannot be controlled and will not want to control others.  There is a realization that one does not have to take responsibility for others, and a desire to not let others take responsibility for them.  Everyone takes responsibility for themselves! If one is rigid, they loosen up a bit.  A clear sense of complete self and one's rights is developed.  Respect for another's territory as well as one's own is learned through developing the skill to listen to and trust one's self.


Part Two of Boundaries will be published soon in the next blog posting.  Some of the ideas presented are original to me, but many are taken from a book written by Melody Beattie, published by Hazelden, called "Beyond Codependency-- And Getting Better All the Time."