NUM83R5

One of my first discoveries in the Bible was who had lived the longest--Methusaleh, who supposedly lived a whopping 969 years.  Gee whiz! That's a long time.  I've always been fascinated with longevity.

This June, if I make it, I will turn 60.  But then, my sister Darlene turns 72 tomorrow. Her husband Bill turns 73 in June. My brother Tom turns 77 in May and his wife Janeen already turned 77.  I'm just a greenhorn, compared to my siblings!  My wife is 57.  Her sister Jill turns 60 the week before I do. Her brother Rick is 61.  While not so remarkable by biblical standards, we're all getting up there, and luckily, we're all pretty healthy in spite of some aches and pains.

What is remarkable and arguably unique is how long marriages have lasted in our two extended families.  My wife's parents were married for 49 years, I believe, before my father-in-law passed away.  Rick and his beloved Amy, will have been married, I believe, 35 years this summer.  Jill and her beloved Richard Lin will have been married 34 years, I believe, this year.  

My parents were married 52 years before my dad passed away.  My brother Tom will have been married to his sweetheart 58 years in May.  My sister Darlene will have been married to her sweetheart 54 years in June.  And of course, I will have been married to my sweetheart 36 years in April.

And while I will admit that longevity does not necessarily equate to marital happiness, in an age of divorces and marital splits (where I live in my profession), our two families have established a high bar for marital longevity--staying together through thick and thin.  Adding together the two families' (and two generations) of years of being married, it comes to 318 years--with not one divorce!  Remarkable, wouldn't you say?

Reflecting on other issues of numerical longevity of my life, here are some other numbers :

• Years since starting kindergarten at Onequa School -- 54
• Years since I started singing in choirs -- 49
• Years since being in Junior High School plays -- 46
• Years since graduating from West High School in SLC -- 43
• Years knowing my best friend Bill Harten who I met my first day at BYU -- 43.  We still talk regularly.
• Years since I lived at 509 North 8th West in Salt Lake City -- 41
• Years since I've been able to speak Spanish -- 41
• Years since LDS mission was completed to Argentina -- 39
• Years since graduating from BYU -- 36
• Years since birth of our first born, Rebecca -- 35
• Years since returning from living and teaching in Japan -- 33
• Years involved in the clothing/textile recycling business (the "rag business") -- 33
• Years since the birth of our second born, Emily -- 33
• Years since purchasing our first home in West Jordan, Utah for $44,500 -- 32
• Years knowing my very good friends Jim Birrell and Loyd Stinson with whom I shared fences in that first home -- 32
• Years since the birth of our third born, Robert (BJ) -- 31
• Years since I've been to Hawaii -- 30
• Years of being a High Priest in the Church -- 30
• Years since the birth of our last born, Doug -- 29 (in October)
• Years since moving to Southern California and leaving the only home we ever "built" and owned new -- 20
• Years, off and on, of being involved with the Southern California Mormon Choir -- 15
• Years since moving from Newhall to Los Angeles -- 10
• Years since the birth of my first grandchild, Isaac -- 8
• Years since graduating with a Masters Degree in Psychology and doing psychotherapy and counseling -- 6
• Years since being a bishop of the Glendale 7th Ward -- 5
• Years of living in Tujunga -- 4
• Years since being involved in directing the Addiction Recovery Program of the LDS Church in my Stake -- 2
• Years since coming out as the naturally curly haired fellow I am, and having a black cat -- .25!   
  
    

Embracing Our Dark Side

               Western society and western religions teach us to remain positive.  The concept is to attempt to focus totally on the positive, the light aspects of ourselves, denying the dark and negative attributes we all possess, and are afraid to acknowledge in ourselves.

                In our entirety, we are a composite.  That means that we are both light and dark.  The character of Luke Skywalker in Star Wars is an archetypal representation of this composite.  To deny or repress the darkness within us is to deny a divine part of Self.  In Luke Skywalker’s case, it ultimately was to face his "dark side" in opposition to his Jedi self.

                Life is polarized.  The universe and its laws are polarized.  There is hot and cold, heavy and light, strong and weak, Light and Dark.  In our discussion, the Light represents what we see in life as good and positive, while the Dark represents what we see as bad and negative.  As we experience life through this polarity, this opposition in all things, it is natural to split everything into two camps of Light and Dark.

Why Embrace the Dark?        

In essence, our mission is to transcend this polarity by having compassion on ourselves, by loving ourselves unconditionally, which allows us to see the power and purpose of everything, especially both the Light and the Dark.  Such compassion and unconditional love allow us to see the positive in the negative, where there is no right or wrong.  It is the process of bringing Light into the Dark.

                Such compassion and unconditional love for ourselves allow us to view the Dark in a completely different manner.  In this mindset, we see that the Dark is not simply “bad”, but a place that requires love, healing and attention.  The Dark is a place where Light has yet to reach—it is an absence of Light.  As we endeavor to heal our darkness, we are offered great, explosive opportunities for growth, which lead to greater inner happiness.  Therefore, negative traits are really positive ones in disguise!  They are strengths disguised as weaknesses.

                The Dark provides the space for self-discovery.  By turning one’s attention to a part of ourselves that needs healing, we are focusing our Light on that Dark attribute.  What happens when a light is turned on in a dark room?  The darkness is immediately transmuted into light.  The dark does not fight back.  The Dark has no power over the Light.  It is only our fear of the Dark that energizes it further.  By gifting compassion and love to ourselves, we can turn any Dark facet we encounter into the higher frequency of Light.

How Is Darkness Recognized and Embraced?

                Embracing our dark side first requires us to not fear the darkness within us.  When we fear a part of who we are, or who we might be (i.e., when we suppress our insecurities), we project it onto another.  One way of spotting whether we are not embracing darkness and denying that part within us can be seen through how we judge others.  When we point a finger at another and label them as “evil” or “power-hungry” or “egotistical,” in truth we are denying a part of ourselves.  We have projected onto them.  For within each of us is the ability to be all of these qualities—we are all that is.  

If we heal those parts within us that are in pain (i.e., the insecurities), then we become compassionate, and understand that the other person requires healing themselves.  However, if we are in denial about our own insecurities and have not healed them or understood them, then we will usually find them in another.  Judging others is truly revelatory of those negative traits within us. 

  

Do we deny these traits, thereby allowing them to fester and grow?  Or do we see the importance of these virtues in teaching us valuable lessons about ourselves, thereby allowing us (and them) to grow?

When we feel a negative emotion or thought, it is important that we do not attempt to ignore it.  This may seem like a paradox because we are persistently told not to dwell on the negative.  Nevertheless, it is important to maintain positive thoughts in order to have this reflected in our outer reality and to learn love of self.  However, as we endeavor to be positive, it is our responsibility to deal with the negative parts (i.e., our insecurities) that we already possess.

As an example, look at a woman who strives to live her life positively.  Every day she endeavors to maintain positive thoughts and to be nice to those around her.  Assume that this woman is having a lot of trouble with her partner who belittles her about everything she does.  She does not want to be negative or cause tension and as such ignores the anger that is swelling within her at the way she is being treated.

This is a common situation among those who in an effort to be positive ignore the negative.  Without ever realizing it, by approaching life in this manner she has polarized to the other extreme—to the Light.

In this case, the woman is forgoing her own happiness in an effort to be “nice.”  She believes she is being positive by ignoring her anger, and might even consider it a virtue, but in reality she is suppressing her anger—her darkness.  This suppressed anger will then turn sour, like bad food in the stomach, and can affect other areas of her life.  When she ignores a negative attribute that emerges, she is ignoring the Dark within her that requires Light, that requires love of herself.  It is as if she is distancing herself from her true self.  Learning to love herself compassionately and unconditionally means loving all parts of herself.

By applying the power of compassion and unconditional love to all areas of our lives we see that there is purpose to both the Light and the Dark.  In the case of the woman above, she may see that her anger is a message from her soul saying, “This part of me needs to be healed!”  Compassion allows her to see the purpose in her Dark aspect as she uses awareness to evaluate what her pain is trying to tell her.  Maybe it is teaching her to be more resilient or to stand up for herself.  Ultimately, the feeling or thought reveals that there is a part within that is in pain and requires love and attention.  Using awareness, the Dark is transformed into Light; ignorance is transformed into understanding and wisdom.

Expressing and Releasing Your Dark Side

Embracing and releasing negative emotions are crucial processes both spiritually and psychologically.  The process of acknowledging and healing an insecurity can change our entire life experience.  Our subconscious mind affects every thought, feeling, and action as it draws on our beliefs of the world to help us interact with it.  Therefore, the fewer insecurities we harbor, the more confident, free, and happy we can be.

As has been stated, it is imperative that we do not ignore or suppress any part of ourselves.  The questions then arises as to how we actually deal with our darkness, for the main problem we face is that we do not desire to be negative or hurt another’s feelings in releasing our own. 

Encountering a negative emotion or thought—our darkness—we can undertake a thought process:

·         We acknowledge that we are feeling a negative thought, a negative energy

·         We give ourselves permission to feel the darkness

·         We allow ourselves to think about embracing the “Dark” in our thoughts, even imagining our behavior should we act on the darkness

·         We choose to not act on the darkness but to shine “Light” on it

·         We ask ourselves why the emotion has emerged

·         We ask ourselves if someone else is involved in our emotional turbulence.

Let’s look at Paul and Amy.  Paul is angry and feels overwhelmed by Amy’s energy.  He feels that Amy unloads her problems but does not seem to have time to listen to his problems.  Paul becomes increasingly upset and feels taken advantage of, but believes that saying something would be confrontational.

To begin, Paul can acknowledge that he is experiencing negative energy, and can give himself permission to feel it.  He can think, or even daydream, about actions he might undertake as he feels the “Dark” within, such as imagining that she has been restrained in a chair and must listen to him rant, even to the point of her crying, then smiling at her pain.  Because he loves and cares for her, he obviously chooses not to act on the darkness, but acknowledges that it is a part of who he is—his Self.  This shines Light onto it.

It is spiritually conducive for Paul’s growth to look within himself for the reasons he is feeling this way and not blame Amy for it; only something unhealed within us (a darkness) causes us to attack.  Such pain or darkness can only be felt if it is within us to begin with.   As Paul acknowledges his darkness and exposes it to the Light within him, borne of self-compassion and unconditional love, he would not be harmed by this external conflict for there is nothing within him open to harm.

In our example, Paul can ask himself , “why is the situation affecting me?”  Is the situation a lesson from the Universe or his soul telling him to listen to himself more?  Is Paul distracting himself from his own life by observing others’ problems and thereby ignoring his own life?  It is all very well to be concerned about others, but if we feel adversely, then we can know that something within us isn’t right.

Another lesson is for Paul to honor his own power and express himself compassionately.  As he looks within, it is important for Paul to inform Amy of how he feels, in a loving way.   Perhaps Amy may have something to learn from this; maybe it is a Dark part of her and she needs to listen more to others.  

By forcing ourselves to not express anything “bad” will only energize that emotion or thought further.  A negative emotion—a darkness within us—is only “bad” if we deem it to be so.  This is more polarity thinking!  By becoming compassionate and loving of ourselves, we can begin to see the positive in everything.  We acknowledge and express to ourselves the dark emotion or thought, and then release it, allowing it to be exposed to our “Light,”  We use our awareness and love to heal it, acknowledging to ourselves that we are developing a new learned strength!

It is important to release the emotion or thought before it becomes anger.  Anger is an energy that establishes blame, either on the perpetrator or on the recipient.  In essence, it is a belief that someone needs to victimize or is being victimized.  The subconscious mind can only read this as “I victimize people or people victimize me, giving others power over me.  I am weak!”  This thinking will likely permeate many thoughts, feelings, and actions in our lives.  The more we practice embracing and expressing what we feel, the more skilled we become at highlighting, and rapidly healing, the Dark within us.  Subsequently, we become more confident, secure, and happy.

 

Ways to Release Darkness

A very effective way to release our darkness is to write about it.  When we write our angry or upset words, we energetically release these words and allow them to come to the “Light” in our consciousness.   Too often, the thoughts and emotions that roam around in our heads are cluttered, chaotic, and formless.  As this happens, we can easily lose sight of what we are actually feeling.  This allows the emotion to constantly consume us and never be released.  Putting a pen or pencil to paper allows us to observe what we are feeling and thinking, letting the emotion out and releasing it.  (A pencil is arguably better because we can “bear down” or exert pressure on the pencil onto the paper, allowing strong emotion to flow through us onto our hand and be expressed through literal, physical, darker than normal words on the paper.)

Another way to release is through exercise.  It is an excellent method to release stored negativity.  By stimulating the physical body, we speed up the energy flow within and force negativity out of our normal positive states of being.  Some of have said that negativity is a “heavy vibration” and that our natural, usually happy and contented states are “high vibration.”  Running or even sprinting, kick-boxing,  hitting a punching bag, martial arts, swimming,  or even working hard in the “yard” are effective ways to release negativity.  And it really feels good afterwards!

Yet another way to release is through individual therapy or counseling.  This should be more than ranting about what is negative in one’s life.  It requires acknowledging our own darkness, not the perceived darkness of others or of situations.  It can be a safe environment in which to explore the underlying reasons of pain in one’s life, to explore why the actions of others affect one so greatly.    Making the connection between their behavior and our responses is not only insightful but also liberating.  A thoughtful therapist who recognizes his/her own darkness can help a person to identify his/her darkness, and can explore possible ways to embrace then release the various aspects of it.

  The darkness within us is a manifestation of pain within.   Luke Skywalker had to face the pain of his "dark side" in order to fully become a Jedi. Through embracing our "dark side," we offer love, healing, and Light to those parts of us, remembering that those parts of us are who we are in our entirety.  The more we face and love all parts of ourselves, the more connected, compassionate, and loving we will be to ourselves and to others around us.  Honoring our feelings, our whole selves, is a transformative, liberating experience.  It is the way to embrace the sacred beings that we already are!

St. Patrick's Day Musings

I took a "selfie" for the very first time this St. Patrick's Day afternoon.  I wanted to capture myself wearing a leprechaun hat given me recently at church.  Besides looking somewhat silly, the truth is that I do not know of any Irish blood in my veins.  My paternal grandfather's ancestry was from England (although those folks came to the US in the 17th Century).  My paternal grandmother immigrated to the US from Denmark in the early 20th Century.  My maternal grandfather's ancestry was also from England, and my maternal grandmother's ancestry is from Wales.  No Irish.

Some celebrate this day by wearing green (did you also notice the green shirt in the selfie)?  Some drink green beer.  Some municipalities with Irish populations put green dye in the local river.  It's a fun day to be a little silly.

St. Patrick's Day for me harks back to a time when Irish immigrants were just getting established and wished to connect with their culture and their home country.  As far as I have learned about their history, the Irish came to the US because of few or no economic opportunities because of the great Potato Famine, and when they arrived, they took whatever job they could find.  They were treated poorly by others whose forbears had immigrated earlier but who had become "Americanized" and assimilated into the melting pot that was the US in the 19th and early 20th Centuries.  In 2014, unless your last name is Macnamara or O'Grady, or some variation, you would be hard pressed to identify someone as being Irish (except on St. Patrick's Day!)

I was listening to talk radio this morning and the host had just returned from a cruise that stopped in a number of West African countries.  He made the observation, which was then confirmed by a man who had immigrated many years ago from Nigeria, and which I have had confirmed in years past, that Black Africans see African-Americans differently; that Black Americans talk and even walk differently.  It's almost like African-Americans have "swagger."  The host made the remark, that even though Blacks in the US call themselves "African-Americans," Blacks in Africa see them only as "Americans."  Men, women and children forced to the US to serve as slaves were treated very poorly, and while there are still economic challenges in their community and still some bigotry, much progress has been made, and many Black Americans have melted into the national pot.

Both the Irish and Blacks have had to fight for their rights.  They have had to overcome stereotypes, whispers, and economic challenges, among many other obstacles.  The majority, whose ancestors also immigrated at one time or another, have had to challenge themselves, and in some case, be challenged, to grant equality to all.  The world of 2014 is very different from that of the 19th and 20th Century in terms of acceptance of minorities; much progress has been made.  Who would have thought in the 1960s that there would be a Black President of the United States less than 50 years later, elected because of the support of the white majority?

Even though other minorities are struggling to lay hold of the American Dream in our day, the LGBT community (lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender) is most outspoken in wanting and demanding equality.  They too are faced with overcoming stereotypes, whispers, and prejudices, especially by some people who profess belief in a loving God, and if truly believers should reflect that love.  And while some may fear that the LGBT militancy is threatening the very fiber of society, those same thoughts were had by the majority, of the Irish and the Blacks, among others.  And here we are in 2014, with challenges to be sure, but with the greatest equality the US has known in its history.

So Happy St. Patrick's Day to all the Irish-Americans. You have successfully integrated yourselves into just Americans!  If I were a drinking man, I'd tip one in your honor.  Because I'm not, I'll just wear my silly green leprechaun hat, green shirt, and Happy St. Patrick's Day badge, and pretend I'm Irish!

   

 

The Fourth Step & My Son

For those readers who don't know, I am a psychotherapist who specializes in, but is not limited in my scope of practice, to sexual addiction.  I meet with people who often are powerless over their "inappropriate" sexual activities and whose lives have become quite unmanageable as a result. If that wording seems vaguely familiar, it is a paraphrase of the First Step of the Twelve Steps to Recovery.

From 2009 through 2012, I was involved with the LDS Church's Addiction Recovery Program (ARP).  Similar to Alcoholics Anonymous, Sexaholics Anonymous, and other addiction recovery programs, the ARP ultilizes in its group meetings the Twelve Steps to Recovery that the "Anonymous" world uses, only with an LDS spin. During this time, I led multiple "addicts" groups.

It was while I was involved with leading ARP groups that I came to really understand the Twelve Steps of Recovery.  Although the LDS Twelve Steps are slightly different than those used by AA, NA, SA, etc., the basic ideas are the same.  I came to understand the importance of the Twelve Steps, be they LDS or not.  I came to understand how important and necessary each Step is.  I came to understand the importance of their sequence. Perhaps most importantly, I came to understand their power in the lives of those who really "work the Steps."

This latter understanding was reconfirmed once again as I recently spoke again with my son about his recovery from chemical addiction (specifically heroin). I am so proud that he has four years' sobriety, as of last week. I know that sobriety does not always mean recovery; real recovery occurs when when the "addict" comes to understand the reasons underlying their addictive behaviors, and takes measures to deal with those issues. In his case, real recovery is occuring.

Happily and gratefully, my son is gaining ever increasing understanding about those underlying reasons.  He was ignorant of them during his thirteen years or so of chemical addiction, and it wasn't until he reached "rock bottom" and checked into the rehab in San Pedro, California, called Beacon House, that he was really introduced to them.  It wasn't until he fully opened himself to them that significant progress was made. He opened up to the possibility that his best thinking wasn't working; that he didn't have the answers; that if he didn't change course soon he would either be in prison or dead. (His words!)

He credits his intense work with the Twelve Steps, the literature of recovery, the staff and director of the Beacon House, his therapist, and God, for his progress thus far. He also credits being able to serve, and work with, new arrivals for helping confirm his new path.  But any recovering addict will tell you, however, that recovery is "one day at a time," and my son understands that completely. 

Because he and I share a great love and appreciation for the Twelve Steps, our recent discussion for me seemed to center on the importance in his recovery (and may I say, it must be in every Twelve Step adherent's recovery) of a fearlessly honest Fourth Step.  That step reads in the LDS Twelve Steps (it's almost identical to the non-LDS Fourth Step):

Make a searching and fearless written moral inventory of yourself.

It involves being brutally honest about yourself, beginning in one's early years and continuing to the present.  It involves introspectively looking at one's behaviors, one's thoughts, one's environment, one's poor choices, and writing it all down. Done correctly, one's life is laid bare in all its dysfunction, and the painful scenarios almost always begin in one's childhood.

With the help of others who had been through the process as "addicts" themselves and who knew when someone wasn't going "deep enough" into their Fourth Step family of origin issues, he came to realize just how dysfunctional he had become as an adult as a result of unresolved childhood issues.  He came to understand how deep those issues were.  He came to see that this process was his chance to make a significant change in his life. He also came to realize that ultimately he could not effect this profound change without God's help, because his own best thinking had not produced a good life.

That brutally honest Fourth Step made all the difference for him.  It helped create a kind of road map for him to follow on his journey to recovery. He finally began to reconstruct his life with God's help and the help of supporters at the Beacon House. 

The Beacon House staff encouraged him to have very limited contact with his mother and me--and for that matter, his siblings--because of the dynamics uncovered in his Fourth Step. That work involved putting me and the rest of our family dynamics "under a microscope."  Even after four years, my contact with him is on his terms, rarely more than once a month, as he continues to work through his family of origin issues that powered his addiction.  

Our recent conversation about the Fourth Step and family of origin issues was somewhat difficult for me because I felt that even though he was ultimately responsible for his addictive acting-out, I was part of the dysfuction. I had to own the concept that I had my own inadequecies as he was growing up--my own stuff--and that my own stuff sometimes got in the way of being the father that he needed me to be. I have beaten myself up about this in the past, and even though I have forgiven myself, it sometime still hurts to recognize what I did or didn't do for him. 

He owns the fact that, at the end of the day, he was/is responsible for addiction. Only he can do the heavy lifting of recovery work.  Only he can continue humbling himself and listening to veterans of the road to recovery. Only he can make wise, correct choices going forward.

But what a turn-around he has made!  His future is bright.  He is in the last semester of a four semester course at California State--Dominguez Hills University to become licensed to be a Drug & Alcohol Rehabilitation Counselor. 

I thank Bill W. and Dr. Bob for acting on their inspiration and authoring the Twelve Steps of Recovery so many years ago, ideas that have helped literally millions of people, and in particular, one person so dear to my heart. 

Daniel Zetino, a Grandchild

Three of my children have borne children, totaling six grandchildren.  Five of the six live away from Southern California.  Only Daniel lives here.  Every few weeks his mother brings him from his home in nearby Valencia where he lives with her and an assortment of her extended family to visit "Gee-ma" and "Shum-pa."

By way of explanation, my oldest grandchild, Isaac, who now lives in Washington, originally couldn't say "grandpa" and called me "Mum-pa."  The next oldest, Elizabeth, who now lives in New Jersey, didn't hear "Mum-pa" and started calling me "Pum-pa," by which name I am also known to her siblings, the triplets.  Daniel didn't hear "Pum-pa" or "Mum-pa" but heard "Shum-pa."  It's all very confusing for me because I have to remember who I am with to call myself by my name known to them.  Sometimes it comes out "Grumpummumshum-PA," all slurred together!

At any rate, Daniel is a sweet boy, and it is great to have him spend time with us.  He has historically cried and carried on when his mother drops him off or when we pick him up, and he did so this past weekend.  But hours later, after he mourns the separation from her, he gets into the grandparents routine, and by Sunday afternoon, having had a great time with us, he becomes sheepish about leaving us.  Go figure!

We try to show love to him any way we can.  We do not indulge him, despite occasional protestations, but consistently complement him for good choices, minimize the amount of TV time, watch a movie and eat microwave popcorn, make sure he puts away toys when he is leaving, read bedtime stories to him, and feed him nutritional food (one of his favorites being what he calls "popsicle yogurt" which is Yoplait Orange Creme yogurt with a orangesicle on the label).

A couple of activities we always seem to do which he enjoys is going to the kiddie park which is about 150 yards from our home, and going grocery shopping at the supermarket close to the park.  He enjoys playing in the sand with our beach toys, swinging, climbing, generally having a fun time.  I always get him laughing when, after pushing him in a swing, I will stand in front of him facing away and allow him to gently kick my behind.  I love to hear his laughs.  He also enjoys how "Shum-pa" puts him in the grocery cart and then will tickle him, or push the cart in circles, or pretend to almost crash the cart into displays.

This past weekend, he had a jolly time chasing Suki the cat around the house, attempting to get the cat to play with the dangling teasing toy in his hand.  He also enjoys playing with marbles on the "back-and-forth-marble-ramp" in which the marbles descends with gravity down a switchback path.  This toy has been a favorite of all of the grandchildren, as well as of our kids, since it was made many years ago by Grandpa Paxman.

Doug, his father, and one of the kids that played with the marble thingy, is serving in the US Army.  When Daniel comes to our home, we always make sure that he gets to talk with his Daddy, either just on the phone, or with Skype.  He sometimes gets sad when it is time to say goodbye (read:more separation anxiety), but I know that he loves hearing and sometimes seeing Daddy, and it is one of the highlights for him.

Another thing that he seems to look forward to doing is attending church services on Sunday.  We have bought some awesome sticker books which keep him occupied and which allow us to listen--kind of.  He used to go to nursery afterward where he was showered with attention and care by a wonderful, loving older woman, but this past weekend he started a new class with older kids, and did just great!  It is now part of his routine when he visits "Gee-ma" and "Shum-pa," and he always verifies that we are going to attend services on Sunday.

Because he is the only child in his home, and I have to guess, because it is part of his personality, he does well playing alone. Although he will become bored, he doesn't complain, and will do something else to amuse himself.  Having grown up essentially as essentially an only child myself, I relate to his behavior completely.

He has a calm temperament.  He does things when asked, often immediately, and is never under foot.  He can be very affectionate (I really like the occasional hugs I get), and likes sitting on laps, or next to us on the sofa while watching the movie.  He is simply a pleasure to have with us, and he has taken up residence in my heart!

Suki

Suki lying on my newly bought shirts like she owned them!

The basic premise of this blog has been to discuss transitions in my middle-aged life.  Certainly, during the past few years, I have experienced thoughts and feelings I have never felt before, and have come to hold as truth beliefs I never supposed to have espoused.  Another transition has occurred, an unexpected one to be sure.

Other than a couple of canaries in my home growing up and some occasional little beasties like a rat that our kids had briefly, my homes have been devoid of four-legged creatures for my entire married life.  We decided that our lives might be enriched by having a pet around to keep us company.  Because we're gone Monday through Thursday for about 10 hours a day, and part of the day on Fridays, that schedule seemed more conducive to a cat's temperament than to a dog's (I guess).

To be fair, when we were remodeling our kitchen last year and were meeting with the owner of the company that would eventually produce our custom-made breakfast nook booth, there was a warehouse cat who jumped right up on our laps and commenced purring, sitting there like it belonged to us. The fellows in the warehouse didn't want to give up their cat, so it didn't work out for us.  It was probably only a matter of time before our family of two would become three.

We went to visit the Pasadena SPCA (Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals) a few Saturdays ago to see what we would find. There was a pretty black cat in one of the cages who we later came to find out had been there as a kitten and had been returned there not many days before we got there.  When we put our hands or fingers near the cage, this cat, who had been called "Ozzy," reached out its paw and touched us.  That was all it took.  There was another cat there who had long hair and was a bit younger (this one was about seven months whereas "Ozzy" was about 2 1/2 years old), but hearts had already been won.  Approximately an hour later, we walked out of the place, having spent money for the cat, plus cat food (she can't eat it, it turns out), contraptions to remove loose hair and trim nails, and a laser and a mouse toy (both of which he loves!).

After negotiating between us as to logistical issues, and having renamed this new member of the Davis Family "Suki," we have settled into the accommodation of this black cat who scampers and races around the house and jumps on and off our bed.  He loves looking out of windows. "Suki" is always waiting at our bedroom doors when we wake up in the morning, part "I've been alone and I need a human," and part "you may be able to wait to eat breakfast, but I'm going to meow until you feed me!" 

"Suki" jumps onto my wife's lap routinely, purring like none other, and seems quite enamored of her. On the other hand, similar to an aspect of my fatherly role, I am the designated parent to "play" with the "child," and I don't get much purring.  These days when I try to pet "Suki," he often nips at me, as if to say "you are always pulling that mouse away from me to tease me, and moving that laser out of my reach, so no loves for you, buck-o."  I've tried to convince myself that "Suki" just wants to play, but then I see that look in its eyes....

So "Suki" is the newest Davis.  Our kids, and particularly, Emily, were incredibly surprised by this seemingly random event because our kids never had a "real" pet, but they'll get used to the idea.  I guess that I am getting used as well to this black cat with beautiful eyes.  Maybe some day I will be granted the privilege of petting him.

Conflict Resolution & Overcoming Gridlock

Have you attempted to figure out what is really important to you?  Have you ever taken a look at what is at your core?  Have you considered what really brings you satisfaction and joy?  Have you thought about how what you value affects your relationships?

                Here is an abbreviate d list of what some consider of core importance to them, how they function, what brings them contentment and happiness.  Core issues are often at odds, as the list will show:

·         Having children / Not having children

·         Feeling secure / Living in the moment

·         Spending money / Saving money

·         Routine / Spontaneity

·         Travel and vacations / Being a home body

·         Justice / Mercy

·         Being active / Relaxing

·         Having sex regularly / Having sex rarely

·         Education / Work

·         Religion / Agnosticism

·         Emotional connection / Physical connection

·         Disciplining children / Permissiveness

·         Control / Rebellion against control

·         Connection to extended family / Disassociation from extended family

·         Spending time with others / Spending time alone

·         Motivated by deadlines / Wait until the last minute

·         Openness / Privacy

·         Multi-tasking / Single focus

·         Talking / Listening

·         Physical affection / Doing something for someone

·         Compliments / Stoicism

·         Cleanliness / Doing many things other than cleaning

·         Working with someone / Working alone

What happens when both of you bring your life experiences, your family of origin experiences, your values, your opinions, your personality quirks, and other variables into a conflict?  Neither is right or wrong, correct or incorrect—they just are.  We are who we are in that conflict moment.  This is about your cores.  If that is true, why then must the conflict be the focus?

Some conflicts are perpetual–these are differences that never go away, and which people in relationships always seem to argue about, month after month, year after year, even decade after decade.  The subjects of the majority of conflicts are perpetual problems.  Hairstyles and clothes may change, but the subjects of perpetual arguments do not.  Some may learn to remain satisfied in their relationship, even have a sense of humor about these problems, but most allow the perpetual conflicts about their cores to overwhelm them. 

Other conflicts are resolvable—these are differences that are about a specific dilemma or situation, usually more related to the behavior of the loved one.  Since behavior can be modified or changed, they can be resolved more easily.

What is another way to tell the difference between a perpetual and a resolvable conflict? How can you determine that a problem is perpetual and that you are gridlocked?

·         The conflict makes you feel rejected by your loved one

·         You keep talking about it but make no headway

·         You become entrenched in your positions and are unwilling to budge

·         When you discuss the subject, you end up feeling more frustrated and hurt

·         Your conversations about the problem are devoid of humor, amusement, or affection

·         You feel stuck and each of you  justifies their position during conversations

TAKING THE FOCUS OFF OF THE CONFLICT

               If, in fact, there is no absolute reality—right or wrong—then both realities are subjective, and the focus needs to be taken off of the conflict.   The core issues, discussed above, are really the issue.  They are about who we are, and not so much what we do.  Perpetual conflicts hit closer to home because they are usually about our very selves, and our tendency is to see the problem as an attack on us, not what we’ve done. 

                Why not take the focus off of the conflict (the behavioral component) and onto what our loved ones core issues are (the “who we are” component)?  Why not agree to not be defensive this time but to openly discuss what your own hopes and aspirations are, what is important to each of you?  Why not talk about the feelings behind what is important, what is meaningful, and what motivates each of you? Why not try to empathize with those heartfelt wants and needs , coming out from behind the walls around your heart, and be a bit vulnerable with your loved one?

                The idea is to not talk about the conflict but to talk about what is core to each of you.  The idea is to not judge, not interrupt, not prepare a comeback answer, but to really listen like a good friend would.  The idea is to be honest and clear as you speak your truth. The idea is to help your loved one articulate their truth and to validate what they are saying.  You may not understand it completely, you may not believe that it is achievable, but you can honor what is being said to you.   

                Try to understand the significance the issue has with their core issues.  Try to talk softly and gently.  Try to determine if there is anything you can do to support your loved one and help them achieve what is important for them.  Try to modify your behavior by showing flexibility, and if possible, try to compromise.  Try to understand that despite your best efforts, your loved one may not want to talk or feel safe enough to talk, or the sharing may go sideways and not much will be resolved. This is not a time for drawing quick conclusions, insulting, giving ultimatums, threatening, or name-calling. Those behaviors come from being focused on the conflict.  Truly, empathetic understanding of our loved ones core issues should be the focus.

Building Self-esteem with Personal Boundaries

Boundaries 101

The quickest way to build your self-esteem is to work on your boundaries with the world around you.  This means developing the ability to know yourself apart from those around you.  You can evaluate whether someone is speaking the truth before taking it inside and having feelings about it.

Imagine yourself mentally slowing the conversation down.  As the words come out of your partner's mouth, first pause and then consider their truth.  Are the words true about you, or are they really a personal perspective that says more about how this person sees the world?

The difficult part is that you will discover a seed of truth in most of these discussions.  However, having one part of the sentence or thought reflect truth does not make the whole statement true.  What is true, and what is the other person's "spin?"

Once you've discovered the other person's perspective, notice the emotions you begin to have.  Likely, those feelings come from your own "spin" on the world.  Do you believe that your perspectives are the whole truth of things?  Not likely.  So back down the power of those feelings.  Be responsible for your own perspective.

Good boundaries are meant to protect you from the other person's "stuff" slopping over onto you.  In addition, they are meant to stop your "stuff" from slopping onto them.  It's both protection and containment.  You get to take responsibility for yourself by practicing both.

The Cool Part?

You begin to discover deep down that you actually have a self to esteem.  You're not open to every poke the world sends your way.  And, you are responsible for not sending pokes back out into the world.  Feel some pride!  You're beginning to do a good job of taking care of yourself.

Boundaries 102

You can begin to see that boundaries have a lot to do with being responsible for "self-care."  Self-care includes the food we eat, our exercise, and the time we take for ourselves.  It also involves among other things clothes, medical and dental hygiene, physical hygiene, and emotional care.  Everything that goes into keeping us physically and emotionally healthy has a boundary component.

As adults we are individually responsible to make sure that these needs are well taken care of.  It is not appropriate to expect someone to take care of them for us.  We may need help to get them met, but it is not the other person's responsibility.  It is ours.

If I need a hug, it is my responsibility to ask for one.  My partner may or may not be able to give me one.  It can be delightful if that hug is available.  If it is not, it is still my responsibility to find a way to meet that need.  My care is my job.

The Romance Trap

Don't fall into the "romance trap."  It feels wonderful to have your partner anticipate your needs and to feel like the two of you are "joined at the hip."  But if it continues this way, your feeling of self-worth will start to depend on him or her, not on you.  It's only a matter of time before it gets damaged.  So stay real!

You can enjoy your partner while holding yourself accountable for your self-esteem.  It can be done!  All is takes is attention to a self-responsible perspective.  It's not exactly easy, but what is when it comes to relationships?



From "Building Self-Esteem - Personal Boundaries" by Steve Roberts

Where Were You on February 9, 1964?

On the evening of Sunday, February 9, 1964, I was sitting in front of our black and white television watching the Ed Sullivan Show.  I had specifically wanted to tune in because I wanted to see this new musical group I had been hearing about and had heard on the AM radio stations in Salt Lake City.

The program that night was watched by over 73 million people--men, women and children.  If you think about the population of the US at the time, roughly around 180 million, that meant that approximately 40% of the population watched that show.  Likely, not all 180 million had televisions then, which would probably mean that over half of the population were on hand to watch these four musical twenty-somethings from Liverpool make history.

What was it about the Beatles that caused such interest?  Was it music that at that time was "edgy?"  Was it seeing boys in suits, behaving initially in a rather conservative way as other performers of the time, but with long hair (for the time) and playing music that had only been played in Europe or by black musicians who weren't (and couldn't) be mainstream?  Was it Paul singing a song from "The Music Man' on that fateful night?  Was it their cleverness in interviews?  Musically, was it the marvelous melodies that McCartney and Lennon wrote, often with engaging harmonies?  Was it time for electric guitars and drums to make their evolutionary appearance on the music scene? Was it their British accents when they spoke?  Was the US coming out of the placid 50s and looking for a good time?  Were the children of World War II parents (now we are known as Baby Boomers) wanting something different? 

Whatever it was, the Beatles arguably changed the world--if not the entire world then certainly the musical world.  That night on the Ed Sullivan Show was the beginning of my lifelong love of their music.  I feel sorry for my children and others who were not yet born because you missed out on a singular, incredible experience.

On January 13th, I posted what were my Beatles Top 40 all-time songs.  I really enjoyed doing that, and encourage my readers to celebrate the 50th anniversary of their first appearance on the Ed Sullivan Show by looking at that list.

As a follow up, and my own tribute to that seminal event, I am posting a Top 10 Beatles song list, but songs which have been covered (sung by others) by notable performers.  I always recognize a cover of a Beatles song; some are memorable, others are not.  Here, then, are my most memorable Top 10 Beatles songs, recorded by other musicians:

10.  Rock and Roll Music -- performed by the Beach Boys.  This distinctly US group, sometimes in supposed competition in the 60s with the Beatles as to popularity, covered this in their own style--it is  most unmistakably a beach/surfing vibe.  This was not an original Beatles composition, but written by the amazing Chuck Berry.
9.   Come Together -- performed by Aerosmith.  It sounded quite similar to the original tune, but Steven Tyler sang this Abbey Road song in his own unmistakable, flamboyant way.  
8.   With a Little Help From My Friends -- performed by Joe Cocker. This cover was the music that introduced the TV show "The Wonder Years" and was sung by this Brit who now resides in the Santa Clarita Valley, not far from where I live.  It is quite different from the original.
7.   Taxman  -- performed by Stevie Ray Vaughan.  Like the previous performers on my list, Stevie Ray made this song his very own.  SRV's guitar playing is on display on this cover.  He has been called the white Jimi Hendrix.
6.   Fool on the Hill -- performed by Sergio Mendes and Brasil 66. Mendes gave this his Brazilian flavor, with flourishes that are unmistakably his.  You know it is the Beatles song, but if you didn't know, you would likely say it was a Mendes composition.
5.   Ticket to Ride -- performed by the Carpenters.  Karen's vocal talents are on display along with Richard's subtle orchestrations.  It is sung much like a ballad, not like the Beatles' original, but it tries to keep true to the original.  Very much a favorite of mine growing up.  I was a huge Carpenters fan, and Karen's alto voice is heavenly (not only because she passed away).
4.   Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds -- performed by Elton John.  This well-known cover is a EJ masterpiece, complete with a section played in a reggae style, and with psychedelic flourishes.
3.   In My Life -- performed by Judy Collins.  Arguably better than the Beatles rendition, Judy sings this wonderful love song with just her guitar and her ethereal voice.  This is the Judy of Suite: Judy Blue Eyes fame!
2.   Blackbird -- performed by The King's Singers.  It is sung a'cappella (without instrumentation), and these consummate artists "sing" as if they are instruments behind the haunting melody.  Even though I love Paul's original, I love this one more!   And #1?
1.   Got to Get You Into My Life -- performed by Earth, Wind and Fire. Clearly, EW&F took this tune to another level, making it completely their own, and outdoing the original.  In their funky, syncopated, horn-filled way, they wrote this piece for the soundtrack of what essentially is a "movie cover" of Beatles' songs: "Sgt. Peppers Lonely Heart's Club Band." While the movie left much to be desired--starring the three Bee Gees and Peter Frampton trying to be "Beatlesque"-- this cover was/is fantastic!