Conflict Resolution & Overcoming Gridlock

Have you attempted to figure out what is really important to you?  Have you ever taken a look at what is at your core?  Have you considered what really brings you satisfaction and joy?  Have you thought about how what you value affects your relationships?

                Here is an abbreviate d list of what some consider of core importance to them, how they function, what brings them contentment and happiness.  Core issues are often at odds, as the list will show:

·         Having children / Not having children

·         Feeling secure / Living in the moment

·         Spending money / Saving money

·         Routine / Spontaneity

·         Travel and vacations / Being a home body

·         Justice / Mercy

·         Being active / Relaxing

·         Having sex regularly / Having sex rarely

·         Education / Work

·         Religion / Agnosticism

·         Emotional connection / Physical connection

·         Disciplining children / Permissiveness

·         Control / Rebellion against control

·         Connection to extended family / Disassociation from extended family

·         Spending time with others / Spending time alone

·         Motivated by deadlines / Wait until the last minute

·         Openness / Privacy

·         Multi-tasking / Single focus

·         Talking / Listening

·         Physical affection / Doing something for someone

·         Compliments / Stoicism

·         Cleanliness / Doing many things other than cleaning

·         Working with someone / Working alone

What happens when both of you bring your life experiences, your family of origin experiences, your values, your opinions, your personality quirks, and other variables into a conflict?  Neither is right or wrong, correct or incorrect—they just are.  We are who we are in that conflict moment.  This is about your cores.  If that is true, why then must the conflict be the focus?

Some conflicts are perpetual–these are differences that never go away, and which people in relationships always seem to argue about, month after month, year after year, even decade after decade.  The subjects of the majority of conflicts are perpetual problems.  Hairstyles and clothes may change, but the subjects of perpetual arguments do not.  Some may learn to remain satisfied in their relationship, even have a sense of humor about these problems, but most allow the perpetual conflicts about their cores to overwhelm them. 

Other conflicts are resolvable—these are differences that are about a specific dilemma or situation, usually more related to the behavior of the loved one.  Since behavior can be modified or changed, they can be resolved more easily.

What is another way to tell the difference between a perpetual and a resolvable conflict? How can you determine that a problem is perpetual and that you are gridlocked?

·         The conflict makes you feel rejected by your loved one

·         You keep talking about it but make no headway

·         You become entrenched in your positions and are unwilling to budge

·         When you discuss the subject, you end up feeling more frustrated and hurt

·         Your conversations about the problem are devoid of humor, amusement, or affection

·         You feel stuck and each of you  justifies their position during conversations

TAKING THE FOCUS OFF OF THE CONFLICT

               If, in fact, there is no absolute reality—right or wrong—then both realities are subjective, and the focus needs to be taken off of the conflict.   The core issues, discussed above, are really the issue.  They are about who we are, and not so much what we do.  Perpetual conflicts hit closer to home because they are usually about our very selves, and our tendency is to see the problem as an attack on us, not what we’ve done. 

                Why not take the focus off of the conflict (the behavioral component) and onto what our loved ones core issues are (the “who we are” component)?  Why not agree to not be defensive this time but to openly discuss what your own hopes and aspirations are, what is important to each of you?  Why not talk about the feelings behind what is important, what is meaningful, and what motivates each of you? Why not try to empathize with those heartfelt wants and needs , coming out from behind the walls around your heart, and be a bit vulnerable with your loved one?

                The idea is to not talk about the conflict but to talk about what is core to each of you.  The idea is to not judge, not interrupt, not prepare a comeback answer, but to really listen like a good friend would.  The idea is to be honest and clear as you speak your truth. The idea is to help your loved one articulate their truth and to validate what they are saying.  You may not understand it completely, you may not believe that it is achievable, but you can honor what is being said to you.   

                Try to understand the significance the issue has with their core issues.  Try to talk softly and gently.  Try to determine if there is anything you can do to support your loved one and help them achieve what is important for them.  Try to modify your behavior by showing flexibility, and if possible, try to compromise.  Try to understand that despite your best efforts, your loved one may not want to talk or feel safe enough to talk, or the sharing may go sideways and not much will be resolved. This is not a time for drawing quick conclusions, insulting, giving ultimatums, threatening, or name-calling. Those behaviors come from being focused on the conflict.  Truly, empathetic understanding of our loved ones core issues should be the focus.