Conflict Resolution & Overcoming Gridlock

Have you attempted to figure out what is really important to you?  Have you ever taken a look at what is at your core?  Have you considered what really brings you satisfaction and joy?  Have you thought about how what you value affects your relationships?

                Here is an abbreviate d list of what some consider of core importance to them, how they function, what brings them contentment and happiness.  Core issues are often at odds, as the list will show:

·         Having children / Not having children

·         Feeling secure / Living in the moment

·         Spending money / Saving money

·         Routine / Spontaneity

·         Travel and vacations / Being a home body

·         Justice / Mercy

·         Being active / Relaxing

·         Having sex regularly / Having sex rarely

·         Education / Work

·         Religion / Agnosticism

·         Emotional connection / Physical connection

·         Disciplining children / Permissiveness

·         Control / Rebellion against control

·         Connection to extended family / Disassociation from extended family

·         Spending time with others / Spending time alone

·         Motivated by deadlines / Wait until the last minute

·         Openness / Privacy

·         Multi-tasking / Single focus

·         Talking / Listening

·         Physical affection / Doing something for someone

·         Compliments / Stoicism

·         Cleanliness / Doing many things other than cleaning

·         Working with someone / Working alone

What happens when both of you bring your life experiences, your family of origin experiences, your values, your opinions, your personality quirks, and other variables into a conflict?  Neither is right or wrong, correct or incorrect—they just are.  We are who we are in that conflict moment.  This is about your cores.  If that is true, why then must the conflict be the focus?

Some conflicts are perpetual–these are differences that never go away, and which people in relationships always seem to argue about, month after month, year after year, even decade after decade.  The subjects of the majority of conflicts are perpetual problems.  Hairstyles and clothes may change, but the subjects of perpetual arguments do not.  Some may learn to remain satisfied in their relationship, even have a sense of humor about these problems, but most allow the perpetual conflicts about their cores to overwhelm them. 

Other conflicts are resolvable—these are differences that are about a specific dilemma or situation, usually more related to the behavior of the loved one.  Since behavior can be modified or changed, they can be resolved more easily.

What is another way to tell the difference between a perpetual and a resolvable conflict? How can you determine that a problem is perpetual and that you are gridlocked?

·         The conflict makes you feel rejected by your loved one

·         You keep talking about it but make no headway

·         You become entrenched in your positions and are unwilling to budge

·         When you discuss the subject, you end up feeling more frustrated and hurt

·         Your conversations about the problem are devoid of humor, amusement, or affection

·         You feel stuck and each of you  justifies their position during conversations

TAKING THE FOCUS OFF OF THE CONFLICT

               If, in fact, there is no absolute reality—right or wrong—then both realities are subjective, and the focus needs to be taken off of the conflict.   The core issues, discussed above, are really the issue.  They are about who we are, and not so much what we do.  Perpetual conflicts hit closer to home because they are usually about our very selves, and our tendency is to see the problem as an attack on us, not what we’ve done. 

                Why not take the focus off of the conflict (the behavioral component) and onto what our loved ones core issues are (the “who we are” component)?  Why not agree to not be defensive this time but to openly discuss what your own hopes and aspirations are, what is important to each of you?  Why not talk about the feelings behind what is important, what is meaningful, and what motivates each of you? Why not try to empathize with those heartfelt wants and needs , coming out from behind the walls around your heart, and be a bit vulnerable with your loved one?

                The idea is to not talk about the conflict but to talk about what is core to each of you.  The idea is to not judge, not interrupt, not prepare a comeback answer, but to really listen like a good friend would.  The idea is to be honest and clear as you speak your truth. The idea is to help your loved one articulate their truth and to validate what they are saying.  You may not understand it completely, you may not believe that it is achievable, but you can honor what is being said to you.   

                Try to understand the significance the issue has with their core issues.  Try to talk softly and gently.  Try to determine if there is anything you can do to support your loved one and help them achieve what is important for them.  Try to modify your behavior by showing flexibility, and if possible, try to compromise.  Try to understand that despite your best efforts, your loved one may not want to talk or feel safe enough to talk, or the sharing may go sideways and not much will be resolved. This is not a time for drawing quick conclusions, insulting, giving ultimatums, threatening, or name-calling. Those behaviors come from being focused on the conflict.  Truly, empathetic understanding of our loved ones core issues should be the focus.

My Core Issue of Emotional Abandonment

As I do psychotherapy with clients, I will sometimes bring up the concept of core issue work.  Most of us have one or more core issues or challenges which surface repeatedly over the course of our lives.  For me, they have manifested themselves in my relationship with my wife specifically, but with significant others generally, and are usually rooted in deep unexpressed fears.  Core issues almost always cause all sorts of problems, but if viewed as opportunities, I can have a better life.  Here are the most common core issues and their related fears:

1) Abandonment - Nobody cares about me.  I'm all alone.  I don't matter.
2) Arrogance - I'm worse than everyone.  I'm always wrong and you're always right.
3) Damage - Something is wrong with me.  I'm damaged.  I'm flawed.  I'm a failure.
4) Inferiority - I'm not good enough.  I'm worthless.  I'm hopeless.  I'm stupid.  I'm boring.
5) Rejection - I'm unwanted.  I'm a burden.  Nobody wants to spend time with me.
6) Shame - I'm bad.  I'm a mistake.  I'm evil.  I may be exposed as a fraud.

Our core issues often originate from childhood family scenarios--especially in my case.  They can be the result of negative messages that were repeated many times to us by parents or significant other people in our lives.  Or one of these beliefs may have been driven deeply into us during one or more traumatic experiences.  But dealing with a core issue can gradually shift a deeply ingrained fear, thus overcoming a lack of acceptance of ourselves and a deep feeling of being disconnected--from ourselves, from others, from our spiritual nature, or any combination of these.

However, if a person has a significant breakthrough in identifying and transforming a core issue, he/she eventually finds the same issue rearing its ugly head in a different, perhaps more subtle form.  Transforming fear through working on my core issue has been like peeling away layers of an onion.  But as I have peeled, my life has become richer, more meaningful, and more enjoyable than it was before.

In my transition from living in fear by my core belief--abandonment--I have cultivated an ever increasing awareness of how and when my core issue is triggered, but as stated previously, it rears its head in slightly different forms.  Even after working on my core issue for a number of years, it popped up just yesterday and the day before.

I was talking to Ann the day before yesterday prior to her returning home from an 11 day trip to the East Coast to attend a conference, visit her sister and her family, and to spend time with Emily and Adam and their four kids in Brooklyn.  As we have talked daily about her experiences, Ann has recounted her impressions of conversations held, what she has done there, and in general, her exciting life interacting with people.  She hadn't said anything about me other than asking what I had been doing.  I admit that I had waited for her to state that she was missing me and was looking forward to eventually coming home--which was an unrealistic expectation on my part, totally inappropriate based upon the hectic nature of her itinerary, especially in Brooklyn with the four kids under 3 years old.  And on this day, prior to coming home, I was really hoping that she would say something about missing me.  I stopped myself from saying anything; I realized that this was a trigger and on a deep level I was afraid, and that I needed to soothe myself and take care of little Bobby, the abandoned child inside of me. Luckily, I did so, and looked to be supportive in the conversation and took pleasure in her excitement about what was happening to her there.

Last night, after she had come home and eaten a dinner that I basically had prepared for her and that she only needed to warm up, I got home at 7:45pm from seeing seven clients.  When I warmed up my dinner and sat down, I expected her to want to sit down by me and spend time with me.  However, she was in the middle of doing something on her computer, so I ended up essentially eating by myself.  Again, I recognized that I had been triggered and I had to soothe myself and make this about me and my abandonment core issue and not about her.  In retrospect, she probably would have come to sit down with me if I had only asked her, but I didn't ask.  To my delight, a couple of times she did come out briefly to the eating area, looked over my shoulder at the article I was reading while eating, and touched me lovingly on my arm, back, and shoulder. 

I recount these events to show that I am working on a transition of dealing with my core issue of emotional abandonment.  It is a journey, but one in which I am having success.  I realize more than ever that it is a cognitive choice to face my fear and to recognize that it is a chance to grow.  This transition is bringing about a feeling of accomplishment and satisfaction that I am progressing.  And when appropriate, I can talk about my successes with my clients!