Daniel Zetino, a Grandchild

Three of my children have borne children, totaling six grandchildren.  Five of the six live away from Southern California.  Only Daniel lives here.  Every few weeks his mother brings him from his home in nearby Valencia where he lives with her and an assortment of her extended family to visit "Gee-ma" and "Shum-pa."

By way of explanation, my oldest grandchild, Isaac, who now lives in Washington, originally couldn't say "grandpa" and called me "Mum-pa."  The next oldest, Elizabeth, who now lives in New Jersey, didn't hear "Mum-pa" and started calling me "Pum-pa," by which name I am also known to her siblings, the triplets.  Daniel didn't hear "Pum-pa" or "Mum-pa" but heard "Shum-pa."  It's all very confusing for me because I have to remember who I am with to call myself by my name known to them.  Sometimes it comes out "Grumpummumshum-PA," all slurred together!

At any rate, Daniel is a sweet boy, and it is great to have him spend time with us.  He has historically cried and carried on when his mother drops him off or when we pick him up, and he did so this past weekend.  But hours later, after he mourns the separation from her, he gets into the grandparents routine, and by Sunday afternoon, having had a great time with us, he becomes sheepish about leaving us.  Go figure!

We try to show love to him any way we can.  We do not indulge him, despite occasional protestations, but consistently complement him for good choices, minimize the amount of TV time, watch a movie and eat microwave popcorn, make sure he puts away toys when he is leaving, read bedtime stories to him, and feed him nutritional food (one of his favorites being what he calls "popsicle yogurt" which is Yoplait Orange Creme yogurt with a orangesicle on the label).

A couple of activities we always seem to do which he enjoys is going to the kiddie park which is about 150 yards from our home, and going grocery shopping at the supermarket close to the park.  He enjoys playing in the sand with our beach toys, swinging, climbing, generally having a fun time.  I always get him laughing when, after pushing him in a swing, I will stand in front of him facing away and allow him to gently kick my behind.  I love to hear his laughs.  He also enjoys how "Shum-pa" puts him in the grocery cart and then will tickle him, or push the cart in circles, or pretend to almost crash the cart into displays.

This past weekend, he had a jolly time chasing Suki the cat around the house, attempting to get the cat to play with the dangling teasing toy in his hand.  He also enjoys playing with marbles on the "back-and-forth-marble-ramp" in which the marbles descends with gravity down a switchback path.  This toy has been a favorite of all of the grandchildren, as well as of our kids, since it was made many years ago by Grandpa Paxman.

Doug, his father, and one of the kids that played with the marble thingy, is serving in the US Army.  When Daniel comes to our home, we always make sure that he gets to talk with his Daddy, either just on the phone, or with Skype.  He sometimes gets sad when it is time to say goodbye (read:more separation anxiety), but I know that he loves hearing and sometimes seeing Daddy, and it is one of the highlights for him.

Another thing that he seems to look forward to doing is attending church services on Sunday.  We have bought some awesome sticker books which keep him occupied and which allow us to listen--kind of.  He used to go to nursery afterward where he was showered with attention and care by a wonderful, loving older woman, but this past weekend he started a new class with older kids, and did just great!  It is now part of his routine when he visits "Gee-ma" and "Shum-pa," and he always verifies that we are going to attend services on Sunday.

Because he is the only child in his home, and I have to guess, because it is part of his personality, he does well playing alone. Although he will become bored, he doesn't complain, and will do something else to amuse himself.  Having grown up essentially as essentially an only child myself, I relate to his behavior completely.

He has a calm temperament.  He does things when asked, often immediately, and is never under foot.  He can be very affectionate (I really like the occasional hugs I get), and likes sitting on laps, or next to us on the sofa while watching the movie.  He is simply a pleasure to have with us, and he has taken up residence in my heart!

Listening, Learning, and Loving

The past three blog postings have dealt with the intense, heart-wrenching, challenging stories of gays and lesbians trying to reconcile their LDS religious beliefs with their un-chosen sexual orientation.  The stories have moved and profoundly touched me.  I could post more stories of others in this community, but I have other thoughts and feelings that I want to explore on my blog.  I want to share where I am  now, for better or for worse, in what I have come to call "The Struggle."  I do so unapologetically.

Some who read my blog may already be aquainted with a website titled: mormonstories.org.  It contains hundreds of hours of interview, most by John Dehlin, whom I have come to appreciate and admire for his courage to examine difficult (and some not so difficult) issues of life, and issues within the Church.  In one of his recent offerings, he posted a talk on Novmeber 21st given at Utah State University.  It was given under the auspices of TED Talks, a great resource for learning all kinds of things from all kinds of experts.  His topic was about why he is an "LGBT Ally," and in it he talked about three concepts that he has come to embrace over the past 15 years or so since being confronted by his own prejudices and biases regarding gays and lesbians.  He challenges his listeners to listen, to learn, and to love.  I have taken his challenge, and will spend the balance of this posting writing about my journey.

I have to believe that most members of the Church who are quick to condemn those with same-gender attraction, who talk disparingly of those who seek to have a normal relationship with someone of their own gender, and who bristle when opining on those who want to have the same rights and priviledges as heterosexual couples, have not actually spent a significant period of time listening to such a person, much less with a conflicted or completely out member of the Church.   They likely have not made the effort to listen, to try to understand what these people think and feel.  I find it ironic because I believe that if Jesus Christ were on the earth in 2013, he would not shun them, but would listen to them, engage them in conversation, and love them.  I believe that He is at the head of the Church, so why wouldn't I follow His example as I am taught to do over the pulpit and in my classes, and do what He would do?

I have listened to some gays and lesbians in the non-LDS as well as the LDS communities.   I am touched by their humanity, their realness.  Those who are LDS share the heart-wrenching conflict between belief and the reality of their lives, most having prayed to not have the feelings they have, and most having experienced some sort of suicide ideation at one point or another.  These children of God are not evil, sinister, filthy, perverted, sex-crazed individuals.  They are like heterosexuals, just wanting to be accepted and loved like I am.  Many do not feel safe to come out to family and friends; they live in fear of rejection and condemnation, or worse.

When we choose to not understand others, when we hide behind our rigid piety, and dismiss others as sinners or less than us, we do so out of fear, and not out of love--perfect love casts out all fear.  It is easier to not confront what we do not know, to not confront the legitimate thoughts and feelings of others whose behavior we find at odds with our own beliefs, to consider them less than us.  Look at how the Jews were treated at the hands of many Germans during the late 30s and early 40s of the last century, or how many Blacks in the US have been treated throughout our nation's history.  By choosing to not engage those who are different than us, we protect ourselves from having to deal with our own uneasiness and vulnerability.  Vulnerability takes courage.  It takes challenging the emotional wall we build around ourselves for emotional protection.

I have learned just how difficult their lives can be.  Many are told to pray a little harder, read scriptures a little longer, and to just fall in love with someone of the opposite gender.  Just imagine, my heterosexual readers and friends, what you would do if someone you really respected counseled you to engage in homosexual behavior.  How would that make you feel? Could you?  Too bad if you're gay or lesbian and can't find your way to make yourself do that.  You're consigned to try to function in a family-oriented Church as a celibate, never to enjoy the love of a caring partner in this life. It is very easy for heterosexuals within the Church to tell a gay or lesbian member to just get married, or stay celibate.  And, as I have posted previously, gay and lesbian people receive different treatment from Church leadership regarding chastity than heterosexuals do.

While some LGBT people do not opt for a monogamous relationship, many heterosexuals likewise do not choose to do that.  While some LGBT are militant in their "gayness,"  they are "out and proud," many long as heterosexuals do to find "the one" and love that person wholly and completely for the rest of their lives.  While some LDS are lucky enough to have a congregational leader who is supportive and loving, many gays and lesbians are not only afraid to talk about their sexual orientation with them, but if they are finally courageous enough to do so, are given counsel that is neither accurate, nor uplifting, nor consistent.  Having been an LDS leader myself, we strive to counsel with the "Spirit," but what comes out of our mouths can often be based on falsehoods, our own decisions, our own opinions.  Just because something is written in the Handbook does not mean that it is the correct and optimal counsel to give to a tender-hearted, conflicted son or daughter of God.  Weren't the Pharisees all about the letter of the law, and not about the Spirit of the law?

I am learning to love these brothers and sisters, LDS or not.  As I have written in other postings, I see people on a "horizontal" basis and not on a "vertical" basis.  In other words, I see them as my equal--I am not above them and they are not below me  I truly believe that Heavenly Father is my Father and that I am one of His sons, and the gay, lesbian, bi-sexual, or transgender person in front of me (yes, I have met and gotten to know and appreciate a transgender individual) is my spiritual brother or sister.  He wouldn't shun or avoid them, speak evil of them, ridicule them, or disown them, so why should I?  He would try to make their burden lighter.  He would put His arms around them and hold them tight.  He would speak words of encouragement and love to them.  And I believe He would tell them that they are not exceptions to His mandate that "men [and women] are that they might have joy."

So yes, I guess my journey has brought me to a point that I can say that I too am an LGBT Ally.  I don't know if this might somehow affect my membership in some way, but I can no longer be a fence sitter.  I know what my Leaders say, but like John Dehlin believes, I believe in miracles, and I believe that doctrines and practices can change, as some have throughout the history of the Church.  I believe this "doctrine" will change. I hope so, for these my brothers and sisters.