ROLL DOWN THE WINDOWS

As promised, I am listing my favorite 40 Heavy Metal-type songs, in complete contrast to my previous listing of my favorite 40 Classical Music selections.  These songs are meant to be played loudly with the car windows down, or nobody else at home and those home windows rattling.  Most but not all have driving beats with "in your face" guitar licks. Some Heavy Metal bands are absent such as Metallica or AC DC; I simply don't care for their music.  What I like, I really like, such as Led Zeppelin, Van Halen and Rush.  Main stream?  Yes, I'll grant that. I particularly like the Canadian group Rush because of the interesting, musically challenging things they do with their music, such as the use of odd time signatures and lyrics about subjects other than falling in love.  Just give me Rush's Alex Lifeson on terrific lead guitar, the best drummer (my opinion) in the world presently, Neil Peart, playing the relentless skins, and the quirky sounding singer and bassist, Geddy Lee, and it's time to roll down the windows and Katy bar the door.  Check out two great videos below the list: one from the "old men" of the Who (in their 60's) in an unbelieveable 2001 NYC benefit concert, and Rush, many, many years ago performing my #1 song.   

Yes, I do have eclectic tastes.  Yes, it depends on what mood I am in.... So here is my 40 favorite Roll Down the Window songs!  I wonder how old I have to get before I transition and stop listening to this stuff?  Who knows?  Maybe never.  In the coming months, I will do the near impossible feat of listing my favorite 40 Rock songs.

40.   Plush---Stone Temple Pilots   I really like STP.  This song is one of my favorites of theirs.   Go Scott Weiland! Stay out of jail, please.
39.   Cars---Gary Numan  Years ago, I blew out a set of speakers listening to this “one-hit wonder,” electronic song with an underlying, driving (no pun intended) beat.
38.  Crazy Train—Ozzy Osbourne   A crazy man singing a hard driving, crazy song about riding off the wheels on a crazy train.
37.   Who Do You Love—George Thorogood & The Destroyers   I had to include one by George.  It’s fun to let myself go and belt out “who do you luuuuuuuuuuv?”.
36.  Need You Tonight---INXS   I’m not a big fan of this group but I like a couple of their songs. This is a tune from my disc jockeying days.  You’re my kind…. (That’s a sixth interval for "you're my..." from the song's last line--for singers out there.)
35.  Black Hole Sun---Soundgarden   This song has a slow beat, but when the chorus comes, watch out!  This is my favorite song to sing along to with Rock Band.  “Won’t you come, won’t you come….?”
34.  Wanted Dead or Alive---Jon Bon Jovi   I remember hearing this song for the first time with my daughter Rebecca.  I’ve been a fan ever since. Another song to belt out in the car.
33.  Saturday Night’s Alright for Fighting—Elton John   A high energy song from Elton that was covered, ironically, by the BYU Marching Band in my university days when dinosaurs roamed the world.
32.  No One Knows—Queens of the Stone Age   I was turned on to the Queens by Rebecca as well.  I did an air guitar rendition of this song at a talent show and blew the surprised twenty-something kids away.
31.  Misty Mountain Hop---Led Zeppelin  This is the first of many appearances on my list by Jimmy Page and the boys. This song by Led Zeppelin epitomizes the roll-down-the-window sound.
30.  Dirty Laundry---Don Henley   A great song with mechanical sounding back-up singers who like to “kick ‘em when they’re up, kick ‘em when they’re down.”
29.  The Stroke—Billy Squier   This is a relentless, driving, grinding, hard beat song.  How many roll down the window songs contain a riff from an opera?
28.  Purple Haze---Jimi Hendrix   Of all the great guitarists that play on my list, Jimi is the best.  “‘Scuse me while I kiss the sky!”
27.  Voodoo Chile---Stevie Ray Vaughan   The white "Jimi" covering a Jimi song.  Jimi’s version is more raw; Stevie Ray’s is more polished and full.
26.  Sharp Dressed Man---ZZ Top   What a great sounding song with their typical relentless beat!  The subject is kind of out there, but I guess “every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp dressed man."
25.  Smells Like Teen Spirit---Nirvana   I always turn up the volume on this song that influences music even today in 2011, even though you can’t understand many of the lyrics.  Weird Al’s cover makes fun of the lyrics and is fun to listen to.
24.  Theme from Shaft---Isaac Hayes   No guitar in sight, just a drumstick on a cymbal to set the “cool.”  Turn up the volume, you “bad muhtha ….”   Another song played interestingly enough by the BYU Marching Band at games back in 1973.
23.  What You Need---INXS   A great song with a hard driving back beat.  I love to turn up the volume whenever this comes on the radio.
22.  Simply Irresistible---Robert Palmer   He died way too early.  What were those mechanical sounds, anyway?
21.  Everybody’s Got Something to Hide---The Beatles   I didn’t want to use Helter Skelter.  This gem with bizarre lyrics is from the White Album and has bass notes from newly married Paul’s guitar that will rattle any set of speakers.
20.  The Star Spangled Banner---Jimi Hendrix   This cover of the National Anthem at Woodstock is so raw, so over the top.  It’s just pure Jimi and his upside down, restrung, Stratocaster, blowing minds (of course, the kids' minds were blown already.)
19.  The Immigrant Song---Led Zeppelin    You want a driving beat?  Jack Black had it right when he used this song in the movie “School of Rock.”
18.  Hold Me, Thrill Me, Kiss Me, Kill Me---U2  The song from one of the Batman movies doesn’t have a driving beat but was definitely made to be played loudly.
17.  Free Will---Rush   This is the first appearance for my favorite Roll Down the Window band.  This subject matter of the song’s lyrics is not standard rock music fare.  “I will choose free will!”
16.  Bohemian Rhapsody---Queen   Starts out slowly and ends slowly, but this crazy tune is so well known and it’s great fun to sing along to.  Don’t hurt your neck, though. 
15.  Eruption---Van Halen   Cranking up this instrumental tune is dangerous for speakers and windows.  Listen to Eddie use his “tapping” technique that involves tapping the strings of the fingerboard or neck of the guitar.
14.  Pinball Wizard---The Who  Another great song from long ago that is great to sing along with.  “That deaf, dumb and blind kid sure plays a mean pinball!”
13.  Frankenstein---The Edgar Winter Group   A high powered marriage of guitar and electronic music, especially near the end where it’s all spacey, electronic sounds.
12.  Mach 5---Presidents of the United States   There are a number of POTUS songs that I could have included.  This piece is my favorite. Their music is playful and often hard driving, and the subject matter crazy.  Opposable thumbs?  Peaches?
11.  Unchained---Van Halen   This is the favorite VH song of many people. It has all of the ingredients to qualify for a quintessential Roll Down the Window tune.  Happy Birthday to David Lee Roth today (he's exactly my age!)
10.  Whip It---Devo   This song was performed at a church karaoke party by all six Davises!  I guess it is our family song…which is an interesting commentary on our family.  Rap along with this rap from the upside down flower pots.
9.  Rock and Roll---Led Zeppelin   I really like the relentlessly driving sound of this song.  It’s old school rock and roll with a heavy metal twist.
8.  Rock This Town---Stray Cats   This is just a fun song to both listen, sing, and, yes, to swing dance to (which I do.)  This tune makes me want to get out on the dance floor and swing Ann around.
7.   Vaseline----Stone Temple Pilots   Scott Weiland and the boys served up a modern classic that grinds and drives.  This song was definitely made to be played loudly.
6.  Won’t Get Fooled Again---The Who   This song is a standard, a classic.  Roger Daltry’s primal scream near the end is the best.  This song exudes energy and sheer power.
5.  Panama----Van Halen   The main reason for this song being this high on my list is the F Sharp (the top of this Bass II's range) that David Lee sings throughout the song which I try to match as I sing along. "Paaanama…".
4.  La Grange---ZZ Top   “They’ve got a lot of nice girls” at La Grange.  If you want driving, in-your-face music, this is your tune by the bearded boys from a small town in Texas.
3.  Me Wise Magic---Van Halen   This is probably a surprising choice for people who roll down windows, but I really enjoy David Lee’s lower voice register backed up by a relentless rumbling guitar supporting him.
2.  The Spirit of Radio---Rush   What I love about Rush is their musicality.  They’re not afraid to play different genres, mix time signatures, and in general, challenge me musically.  This song displays their talent.
1.  Tom Sawyer---Rush   My very favorite song from my favorite Roll Down the Window group. My volume is always cranked up for this piece, played often in a 7/4 time signature—7 beats to the measure. Neil Peart's drumming in incredible.

GRATITUDE

In a previous post, I wrote about my transitional journey to more fully embrace the idea of grace.  It is a gift freely given which I partake of each day.  I now wish to write about another idea that likewise fills my heart with joy and happiness: gratitude.

GRATITUDE:  a feeling that comes as recognition of one’s blessed state.  Not necessarily a definition from Daniel Webster, but it is how I define it.  It is a concept—a character trait that I have been familiar with and that God bestowed upon me at an early age.  Perhaps it has to do with the tender heart that God gave me.  Perhaps it has to do with not having great wealth either in my childhood or as an adult.  Perhaps it has to do with observing the poverty of the world, or even those around whom I have worked or lived by.  Perhaps it has to do with seeing people with poor health while I have had very good health.  Perhaps it has to do with living abroad and keeping informed of the legion problems in other countries.  Whatever the reasons, God has helped me to observe the world around me, and I recognize and am amazed by my good fortune.

 I have a nephew whom I greatly admire and who has helped me (unknowingly) to realize just how blessed I am.   He has a birth defect which precludes him from taking his arms, palms down, and rotating them so his palms face up.  For his part, he has taken this misfortune as a challenge and has learned how to play the piano (palms down, obviously), play the trombone (palms facing one another—but no further rotation), and play lacrosse (again, palms facing one another).  I’m sure that he has learned to do other tasks of which I am not aware in spite of his disability.  I really admire his grit and dedication, not allowing this lemon to sour his life.  He will be a success at whatever he puts his mind to do. 

Because of his disability, I no longer take for granted my ability to rotate my palms.  In fact, my realization that not everyone can rotate their arms has helped me to recognize that there are many, many health issues that I take for granted.  Each day when I pray or meditate on my life, I will rotate my palms—something my nephew can’t do—to express my gratitude to God for all of the physical blessings, thought of or taken for granted, that I have been given. 

In a recent post, Sensing the Past, I wrote about my senses.  I learned at a very young age that not everyone possesses all of the five senses.  Perhaps because I started wearing glasses at age 5 and was told that a sharp blow to the head could detach my retinas, rendering me blind, I have never assumed that I would be able to see indefinitely.  Sometimes, I will methodically go through a ritual of “sensing” all five of my senses to express gratitude for them.  My hearing and my music is one of the most important senses I cherish.

I also look at my wife, my kids, my extended family, my sound mind, my senses, my knowledge of important truths, my friends, my mentors, my country, my employment, my privilege, my talents, my upbringing, indeed, my life, and I feel compelled to express profound gratitude each day for it all.       

Have Three Smiles On Me :) :) :)

I like to smile.  I love the smiles and laughter of children.  I have a couple of short You Tube videos of kids that I want to share that have been downloaded literally hundreds of millions of times.  If you've seen them before, take a couple of minutes out of your day anyway; you deserve it.  The last one is a video of my granddaughter Elizabeth.  She just turned 3 so this is a little outdated, but hey, it makes me smile, especially the little surprise at the end. 

Sensing the Past

In my field of psychotherapy, I often work with clients to examine their past in order to give context to their present.  Clearly, many of our behaviors as adults have their genesis in our childhoods.  We seem to place great effort as adults on living in the past, dealing with the past, escaping the past, wanting the past, or attempting to recreate the past.  I do not wish to delve into the dysfunction of my past or any other’s past in this posting, but rather, to look at some of my behaviors in the context of recreating sensory experiences of my past.  By sensory I mean what I have experienced with senses--my taste, my ears, my smell, my eyes and my touch--and how those senses offer me comfort in the present. 

My wife can tell you about some of my “comfort” foods from my childhood: pot roast, meat loaf, coconut cream pie, Jello Fluff (a dessert made on graham cracker crust topped with whipped gelatin), deserts in general, and peas.  I will sometimes order something in a restaurant that sounds similar to what I ate in my childhood with the hope that it will indeed by similar.  It rarely compares.  But give me some homemade pot roast on a Sunday afternoon….  (A confession: my wife’s pot roast while similar is better than my mom’s!)  Yummm.

Musically, we baby boomers love to listen to music from earlier days. For me, my longing for earlier music goes not only to rock music, what I would listen to on the AM radio, but to the music played in my home either before or concurrent with the likes of the Beatles and the Beach Boys.  For example, I have purchased the music or possess recordings in some form of old singing groups like The Mills Brothers and The Ink Spots.  It is likewise comforting to listen Perry Como, Nat King Cole, and to the western sound of Jimmy Dean.  I would also put in this aural category the monologues of comedian Bill Cosby  that I listened to growing up and which have likewise become favorites of my children.  When I listen to him now, it feels like I’m getting reacquainted with an old friend.  And just this week I purchased a CD recording of an obscure flautist, Thijs Van Leer, whose music I had on cassette in the 80s but which had gotten lost.  Ahhhh yeah.

               

As Ann and I gradually make interior and exterior improvements in our Tujunga home, I have expressed a desire to place some jasmine bushes in the back yard underneath our bedroom windows so that the comforting, strong smell of that flower can help me relax at the end of the day.   Whenever I smell cedar these days, I go right back to my room in my childhood days when I was surrounded by a cedar chest, a cedar armoire, and a cedar drawer configuration that had a 50s era round mirror on top.  When Ann cooks that Sunday pot roast and that wonderful odor fills the house, I feel a pleasant contentment that in that moment, all is right with the world.  Sniffffff.

More than once I have tortured my kids by dragging them in my car to see the empty lot in Salt Lake City where the house was to which I came home from the hospital after my traumatic birth, the house that I grew up in and the alley behind that house where I used to play, the streets and homes of my old neighborhood, the church building where I attended Sunday services, and my alma mater, West High School.  (Both my elementary and junior high schools no longer exist)

More than once I have tortured my kids by dragging them in my car to see the empty lot in Salt Lake City where the house was to which I came home from the hospital after my traumatic birth, the house that I grew up in and the alley behind that house where I used to play, the streets and homes of my old neighborhood, the church building where I attended Sunday services, and my alma mater, West High School.  (Both my elementary and junior high schools no longer exist) I have taken them by the Salt Lake Tabernacle where my high school graduation took place, by Ensign Peak where I used to hike and have fun adventures, and to the family cabin in Emigration Canyon where I played and had adventures, and where the kids had the “privilege” of living for a few winter months while a home was being built.  Some of these sites have often been the visual location of dreams, perhaps a deep longing in my heart for gentler, simpler times.  Yesssss.

Not much exists in 2011 from my childhood that I can touch.  Mom has long since passed away.  Friends have scattered to the four winds. The furniture is gone as is the clothing.  Vehicles have probably been recycled or are in some landfill.  All that is left to touch from those simpler days—is me.  And while the body is bigger and getting a little wrinkled now, my Bobby spirit, my inner child, still inhabits it, and occasionally adult Bob likes to feel in his senses what young Bobby used to feel so many years ago.  A transition to the past?



A Much Needed Interlude With My Siblings

The Salt Lake Valley

When Ann and I and our kids moved to Southern California in 1994, we did so to enable me to be where the used clothing industry was centered in the western United States.  At that time, Ann's parents and a cousin were living in Orange County, and we would visit routinely.  Her father passed away not many years after but there was still Grandma Paxman to visit.  Grandma's physical and mental health began to deteriorate and after being placed in an assisted living facility in OC and living there a few years, Ann and her siblings decided that it was best for her to be near Ann's brother Rick and his wonderful wife, Amy, in Ann Arbor, Michigan.

We moved after 10 years from the Santa Clarita Valley to Los Angeles, and specifically to Mt. Washington, in 2004.  What a wonderful house it was, but as the nest emptied, we decided to move to a smaller, lest costly home.  In January of 2010, we moved to our current little rambler in Tujunga, built and formerly owned, by the way, by the aunt of the famous pop singer Neil Diamond. (Neighbors tell us that in his getting started years, Neil Diamond would sleep nights in a particular bedroom of this, Aunt Sylvia's home.  As such, we have picture on the wall in the very room which is now where we watch TV.)

What I am writing about today is that in September, 2011, our four children no longer live with us (two are still in Southern California while one is in Washington state and the other lives in New York.  And while Ann's cousin Vic and his great wife Eleanor still live in Orange County, we have NO extended family.   This has been a challenging transition for me.  I sometimes wish that Ann and I could just jump in the car on a Saturday afternoon and drive a few miles to visit my brother Tom or my sister Darlene.  But alas, the Wasatch Front in Utah is a good nine hour drive from where we live.

One of the reasons for downsizing our living arrangement was to have money with which to spend on visiting farflung kids and extended family.  We have been able to do so, and that takes some of the sting out of being far away.  So I am excited to be able to attend a convention next week in cojunction with my profession being held in Salt Lake City, and then be able to spend time with my siblings in the evenings.   I'll likely be spending the nights with one of them, going out to dinner, and even attending a BYU football game on Friday night.  (Goooooo Cougars!!!)  Going to this convention allows me to write off traveling expenses as I spend much needed emotional connecting time with my siblings and their spouses.  I smile just thinking about it....   

My Favorite Non-Choral Classical Music List

If you've read the bio on this blog, if you know me personally, or if you are one of my children, you will surely know of my great love of music.  All kinds of music.  I must admit that I did not have much exposure to classical music until I married Ann.  To those who know little or nothing about classical music, it may appear like I have become an expert.  But anyone who knows a great deal about classical music will quickly figure out that this list is composed (no pun intended) of standards, although I have included pieces not normally found on such a list.

What genre of music I listen to depends upon my mood.  I can listen to classical, jazz, country western, rock, heavy rock, and occasionally some way out stuff like punk, trance, or drum and bass.  Whatever the genre, I like most of my music loud--except for classical.  But just let music accompany my life.  That will make me very happy.  But then, in the spirit of transitioning of this blog, who is to say what new genres, new film scores, new undiscovered classical pieces I may discover? 

40.  Rossini  "The Thieving Magpie"  Wonderful, whimsical music I came to love while living in Argentina. 

39.  Handel  “Music for Fireworks”  My favorite of Papa Handel, one of the major influences on Mozart.

38.  Barry  “John Dunbar Theme from Dances With Wolves”   Great new music being composed for movies.

37.  Faure  “Pavane”  Longingly, elegant, impressionistic music.

36.   J.S. Bach  “Suite #3 Air”  A very famous, lovely, sweetly melodic piece.

35.   Saint-Saens  “Symphony No. 3 in C minor-Organ Symphony”  This piece was made famous from the movie "Babe."

34.  Rachmanioff  “Prelude in C Sharp Minor”  A haunting, left-hand heavy, romantic piece, meant to be performed. 

33.  Grieg  “Peer Gynt”  Fun music from my childhood.

32.  Rimsky Korsakov  “Scheherezade”  Exotic and mysterious.  I can see a beautiful woman dancing in a tent... 

31.  Badalamenti  “The Straight Story”  The whole soundtrack from this movie is haunting, enchanting, entertaining.

30.  Elgar  “Pomp and Circumstance”  The uber famous graduation music.  Came to love this while living in Argentina.

29.  Strauss  “On the Beautiful Blue Danube”  This for me is the best waltz ever.

28.  Bizet  “Suite from Carmen”  The King's Singers do a marvelous acapella take-off of this.

27.  Tchaikovsky  “The Nutcracker Suite”  The old Christmas standby.

26.  Debussy  “Claire de Lune”  This is probably on many people's favorite.

25.  Satie  “Gimnopedies #1”  I first heard a cover of this from the jazz-rock group Blood, Sweat and Tears. 

24.  Mozart  “Overture to the Marriage of Figaro”  Famous piece that sounds like Mozart.

23.  Tchaikovsky  “Swan Lake”   A famous, beautiful piece of classical fair.

22.  Mozart “Ave Verum”  This number will appear on my choral favorites list I will do as well.

21.  Mozart “Piano Concerto #21”   Quintessential, perfect Mozart.

20.  Gershwin  “Rhapsody In Blue”  My favorite of Gershwin compositions.

19.  J.S. Bach  “Brandenburg Concerto #3  My favorite of all of the Brandenburg Concerti.

18.  Tarrega  “Recuerdos de la Alhambra”  Beautiful, emotional guitar music.

17.  Debussy  “Golliwog’s Cakewalk   A whimsical, fun piece.

16.  Copeland  “Fanfare for the Common Man”  Surely this will be played in the heavens.         

15.  Mozart  “Eine Kleine Nachtmusik”  This is a Mozart standard.  The "Lacrimosa" from Mozart's Requiem will be very high on my list of Choral music that I will make at a future date.

14.  Vaughn Williams  “Fantasia on Greensleeves”  Beautiful, lovely music.

13.  Rachmaninoff “Piano Concerto #2”  One of my favorites of all the romantic pieces.

12.  Sibelius  “Finlandia”  One of the movements of this great work was one of my first childhood exposures to music.

11.  Rodrigo  “Concierto de Aranjuez”  A majestic, emotion-evoking piece of guitar music.

10.  Copeland  “Rodeo”  I love Copeland's American sound and this work typifies it completely.

9.  Beethoven  “Moonlight Sonata”  A brooding, haunting, maasterpiece.

8.   Holst  “The Planets”  Different music for each of the planets.  I like Jupiter the best.

7.  Beethoven “Symphony #9”  This will also appear on my choral list for the last movement "Ode to Joy." 

6.  Debussy  “Reverie”  I've always loved this thoughtful work.  It is my favorite of all Debussy's music.

5.  Dvorak “New World Symphony”  The song "Goin' Home," sung at my grandfather's funeral, is based on the 2nd Movement of the NWS.

4.  Vivaldi “The Four Seasons”  I love all four pieces, especially when I am driving in nature.

3.  Rossini “William Tell Overture”   Hi-ho-Silver.  This fun music has been in numerous Bugs Bunny cartoons.

2.  Copeland “Appalachian Spring”  Hard to pick this my #2.  I'd like this played at my funeral.

1.  Barber “Adagio for Strings”   I cannot listen to this without feeling great emotion.

My next list will be of my favorite rock and hard rock pieces.  I have wondered if Mozart had been born in my generation, what genre of music would he have embraced?  Makes me think of "Bill and Ted's Great Adventure...."

One on One

ONE might think that because of the profession I have embraced, I would be a “people person,” someone who always loves to be with a lot of people.  If I am a “people person,” I very much prefer to be with just one other person.  Being in a group, whether it be of 4 or 400 or 4000 people, has always made me feel a bit uncomfortable.  I don’t consider myself anti-social and it’s not like I avoid groups.  And being in a group where I know everyone is no problem, such as with my wife and another couple, a therapy group, or attending religious services.  But being with just one other person is simply easier for me.

The discomfort may have had its genesis at not having siblings around as I grew up. Since there was not much interaction with my parents, I kind of fended for myself.  I learned at a fairly early age how to entertain myself and to be alone with my thoughts.  When not occasionally playing with a single friend, I would invent and play games with myself (and keep statistics on some of the competitive ones), build sheet and blanket playhouses using the clothesline downstairs, create a bunker in the thermally cool “fruit room” downstairs underneath the outside porch where our food storage was kept, or build a playhouse in the basement using numerous lengths of 2x4 wood.  I would outfit this boy-cave with a lantern, a Coleman cooler for food and drink, games, and any of my neat treasures.  It was just me and my imagination. 

The older I got, the more I interacted with friends, one at a time usually. In high school, I began to be involved in larger groups but I considered myself kind of socially inept.  I must not have been too inept because I was one of the more popular kids, but self-perception is everything, especially to a teenager.  By the time I attended college, I went back to my comfort zone and would routinely hang out with just one other person, male or female.

Looking back over the years, I have rarely spoken up in groups, choosing to watch and listen.  To this day, I will often watch and listen, but I am attempting to be more pro-active in my participation.  I am challenging myself to speak up even if I think that what I have to say is pretty routine or even self-serving.  Small talk is fine, and everything that comes out of my mouth does not have to be pithy or even important.  Occasionally, people in a group may even be interested in what I have to say.

This is an uncomfortable transition for me but I am doing better.  But the truth is: doing one-on-one therapy suits me!

A Place to Pursue Change

As I near 2000 hours of doing psychotherapy, I am becoming more comfortable with how I do it—my “style” so to speak.  When I was still enrolled at Philips Graduate Institute and started meeting with those first clients, I had all kinds of therapies floating around my head.  I was trying to identify which one I would embrace or which one felt right.  I was meeting with “generic” clients, individual and couples, with “generic” issues.  I was still doing pastoral counseling with the Young Adults.

I focused in my later semesters on Sexual Addiction, and I eventually became involved with LifeSTAR Network, a co-ed program for sexual addicts and their spouses.  That involved leading couples and groups and occasionally doing individual therapy with them.  About the time that I graduated I was released from my pastoral calling and asked to be a group leader (along with my wife Ann) of the Addiction Recovery Program of my Stake (my diocese).  Since then, I have been leading or participating in the direction of two groups a week that focus on the Twelve Steps.  Presently, I am leading or participating in four groups a week (two LifeSTAR and two ARP) four nights a week.



The Mechanics of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy

 A number of the people I see these days in individual counseling are recovering addicts.  That has been a function of people being referred for that specific purpose either by my agency for whom I work and by whom I am sponsored, Pilgrimage Counseling, or by local pastoral figures of my stake who know that I am a therapist and who have come to know me as an addiction “specialist.” 

I have become very comfortable working with people in addiction, particularly sexual addiction.  My “style” has evolved to be an amalgam of cognitive behavioral therapy, Imago therapy, narrative therapy among other therapies, LifeSTAR recovery, and a healthy dose of Twelve Steps.  

Harville Hendrix - The Creator of Imago Therapy

I use whatever I sense the individual needs to begin a new narration in their life.  I am directive.  I go to their past only to get context for the present and to understand what issues they need to be dealing with going forward.  If they have been exposed to the Twelve Steps or have some kind of religious foundation or sensibilities, I will freely discuss how their spirituality might affect their journey or their recovery.  I go a positive place with them and express to them my belief in their ability to change.  For better or for worse, I see my relationship with my clients as being horizontal rather than vertical; that is, I do not see myself as the all knowing, all wise poobah, but rather, a fellow traveler down the dysfunctional path who has learned some things along the way that have worked for me and that might be useful for them.  I am real; what you see is what you get.

So are there still oodles and gobs of knowledge and experiences that I lack in this new profession to be sure.  Do I catch myself occasionally saying things that perhaps would be better left unsaid?  Yes sir.  But am I improving as the days and months go by?  Undoubtedly.  It has been a gradual transition from where I started to where I am now and it will continue to be a transition to greater competence in the years to come.  But I am enjoying the journey and enjoying each session, and feeling like I (and God) are doing some good.

The Reason We’re Not All Here is Because We’re Not All There

For much of my life, I have always been preoccupied about the future.  It’s not about a fear of the end of the world.  Rather, I’ve identified it as a focus on “what’s next,” “what I need to become,” and an inability to live in and enjoy the here and now. 

This way of thinking first came to me as I reflected on my time serving a mission for the LDS Church between the ages of 19 and 21.  Besides being an overall emotional mess during those two years, I remember always being worried about what I wasn’t; that I was never quite good enough.  I established a high bar for myself which I could never achieve, and in retrospect I likely was always in a low-level depressed state.  It was challenging for me to not worry about what I wasn’t since in my mind serving a proselyting mission for the Church required a high level of spirituality and dedication.  I allowed what I wasn’t to distract me from feeling the present. I was always beating myself up, unable to appreciate the singular events around me which happened routinely.  I had many awesome experiences in those 24 months, but the time could have been so much more and I could have been happier.

Up until a few years ago, I was caught in this same “future” vortex.  I had a breakthrough as a result of learning in graduate school about the importance of “being in the here and now” with clients. There are particular therapies that focus not on the past or what people aren’t, but on the present and what people are.  As I learned about these therapies, they resonated with me, they felt RIGHT.  I realized that I should not only focus my therapies in my future practice on the here and now, but that it was the way that I should focus my life.  When I finally began implementing this mindset each day, it was a great feeling to finally let go.  The transition continued while I implemented this paradigm shift as I went on a vacation with Ann to visit some of her family in Maryland.  The evening we arrived I made a promise to myself that during the duration of the vacation I would focus completely on what was happening in the very moment and not concern myself about what was to happen the next day or a few days hence.  I wanted to be completely invested in interacting with the family and to just “go with the flow.” I am pleased to report that these were some of the greatest days that I had experienced in years.  I felt focused and contented in the present.  I felt part of the extended family, and I really tried to live in the moment what we were doing.

This transition is continuing on.  As I have become more involved with addiction recovery recently in my profession and in my church responsibilities, and have come to more fully understand and embrace its precepts, I have also allowed the Serenity Prayer, so much a part of addiction recovery, to become an integral part of my own recovery from a never-contented “future” person to a calmer, more grace-oriented “now” person.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,

Courage to change the things I can,

And wisdom to know the difference.                                                                        

In this transition, I have given and continue to give to God each day my weaknesses and inadequacies, all that I am not, and try to live right now in His mercy and grace (Tenth Step!).  As I embrace what I am not, and focus with courage on what I can do and am doing and becoming right now, I feel the serenity spoken of in the Prayer.  And to quote a famous phrase, “that has made all the difference in the world!”

The Ultimate Transition

Pocatello Idaho Cemetary where Jeanne Harten is now buried

I guess death is the ultimate transition.  It is a transition that I would prefer not to experience at this point in my life although I do not fear it.  When loved ones pass on, we who are left are forced to make a transition in our own lives—to an existence now without them. 

The mother of a very good friend experienced that ultimate transition last night.  I have known this friend for 40 years, and over that long span of time he has always spoken in loving tones about his uniquely wonderful relationship with her.  Our conversations have always seemed to include an appropriate update on her.  Throughout his entire adult life -- through transitions of school, dating, marriage, children, career, and life’s challenges, she has been a towering presence. Early on, she served as mentor, guide, and confidant.  As time rolled by and he became more confident in his abilities and judgments, she appropriately receded into the role of cheerleader, supporter, and advice giver when asked.  In later years as she experienced a colossal number of health challenges, my good friend has become her cheerleader and caretaker, and source of supply of grandchildren whom she has powerfully loved.

I have always felt some kind of kinship with her as a result.  She was a significant part of him; he has been a significant part of me, so subsequently she has been a significant part of me.  And I feel a sweet loss this morning.  Life will still go on, but it will be a little less wonderful because of her transition.  I am grateful for my faith in the Plan, of life after death, an existence free of pain and suffering for her, and I smile as I think of her blessed reunion with her husband and the literal tens of thousands of relatives whom she came to know as a result of a life dedicated to genealogy.  What a fantastic woman she was…. J

Questioning the Waves

For much of my life, when something negative has resulted because of my negligence, my carelessness, my inattentiveness, my weakness,  my humanity, I have emotionally put myself down--beaten myself up.  I can't say that I saw this self punishment demonstrated in my home growing up.  I'm not sure that I learned it from any person.  But doing it has been a significant part of me, haunting me, possessing me, making me feel very bad about myself, and I often have felt powerless to stop the cascading waves of ugly feelings.  

In the past, when this veritable tsunami has washed over me, I have felt as if I were in a toilet that was flushing--spinning round and round and sinking deeper and deeper, unable to stop the feelings. Those who do this to themselves know exactly what it feels like.  It is an incredibly dark place.

I have done it for so long that I have become very adept at it.  I know well the continual, seemingly unending chatter inside my head; calling myself stupid, inept, and any other adjective that serves to make myself feel terrible.  In those moments, I have sometimes felt that I deserved to feel this way.  That I deserved whatever bad happened as a result of my poor performance.

Years ago, when my children starting behaving in a way that was contrary to what I felt that I had taught them, I really struggled.  I looked at myself as a father and accused myself of failing at this most important responsibility.  The negative self-talk was brutal.  I would look at their "poor" behavior and tell myself that I was responsible for it; that my "nurture" or lack thereof, had caused it.  Because of my spiritual understanding, however, my faith told me that they had lived in heaven before they came to earth for who knows how long.  I had only been able to influence them for a relatively short time.  They had their own personalities and characters, their own "natures."  I struggled to deal with the age-old existential question of "nature vs. nurture."

I came to realize over time as I saw both their less than optimal and their optimal behavior, that I couldn't be entirely responsible for both, and I began to let go of some of those "put myself down" feelings.  But I still struggled with day-to-day failures that I considered I had caused.  It was still very easy to slip into the negative self-talk.  Probably on some absurd level, it was comforting to not deal with the issue and question it but just let the waves roll over me or flush the toilet, whatever metaphor works. 

It took understanding myself better as a result of personal psychotherapy and my coursework to get my psychology degree to finally change my response to the tsunami.  And frankly, dealing with this phenomenen with others as I do therapy has helped as well because I see myself in them.  What I have learned to do is to ask myself two questions, in the aftermath of a situation in which a negative result has occured because of my perceived weakness:

1. Why am I feeling this way right now?
2. What benefit will it give me to continue feeling this way?

In other words, when I do this, I am taking the overwhelming feelings to a cognitive, thinking place.  I am interrupting the waves, questioning what is happening to me.  I have learned that as I have repeatedly done this little brain exercise, I am essentially reprogramming my brain.  So when the initial event(s) occur these days, those two questions pop into my mind.  I deal with the negative overwhelming feelings immediately and after I ask the questions, the waves begin to ebb and the mind chatter begins to fade to nothing.  I may still feel a bit bad because of what has happened, but I now calm myself and put it in the experience column.  These days I am even able to look at what occured and objectively decide what I can learn from it--what I should or shouldn't do in the future so that the negative outcome is avoided.

To be sure, because of my humanity I still do or don't things that have negative consequences.  But I am well into this particular transition, one that makes me feel so much better about myself and one that I am very proud of!

My Core Issue of Emotional Abandonment

As I do psychotherapy with clients, I will sometimes bring up the concept of core issue work.  Most of us have one or more core issues or challenges which surface repeatedly over the course of our lives.  For me, they have manifested themselves in my relationship with my wife specifically, but with significant others generally, and are usually rooted in deep unexpressed fears.  Core issues almost always cause all sorts of problems, but if viewed as opportunities, I can have a better life.  Here are the most common core issues and their related fears:

1) Abandonment - Nobody cares about me.  I'm all alone.  I don't matter.
2) Arrogance - I'm worse than everyone.  I'm always wrong and you're always right.
3) Damage - Something is wrong with me.  I'm damaged.  I'm flawed.  I'm a failure.
4) Inferiority - I'm not good enough.  I'm worthless.  I'm hopeless.  I'm stupid.  I'm boring.
5) Rejection - I'm unwanted.  I'm a burden.  Nobody wants to spend time with me.
6) Shame - I'm bad.  I'm a mistake.  I'm evil.  I may be exposed as a fraud.

Our core issues often originate from childhood family scenarios--especially in my case.  They can be the result of negative messages that were repeated many times to us by parents or significant other people in our lives.  Or one of these beliefs may have been driven deeply into us during one or more traumatic experiences.  But dealing with a core issue can gradually shift a deeply ingrained fear, thus overcoming a lack of acceptance of ourselves and a deep feeling of being disconnected--from ourselves, from others, from our spiritual nature, or any combination of these.

However, if a person has a significant breakthrough in identifying and transforming a core issue, he/she eventually finds the same issue rearing its ugly head in a different, perhaps more subtle form.  Transforming fear through working on my core issue has been like peeling away layers of an onion.  But as I have peeled, my life has become richer, more meaningful, and more enjoyable than it was before.

In my transition from living in fear by my core belief--abandonment--I have cultivated an ever increasing awareness of how and when my core issue is triggered, but as stated previously, it rears its head in slightly different forms.  Even after working on my core issue for a number of years, it popped up just yesterday and the day before.

I was talking to Ann the day before yesterday prior to her returning home from an 11 day trip to the East Coast to attend a conference, visit her sister and her family, and to spend time with Emily and Adam and their four kids in Brooklyn.  As we have talked daily about her experiences, Ann has recounted her impressions of conversations held, what she has done there, and in general, her exciting life interacting with people.  She hadn't said anything about me other than asking what I had been doing.  I admit that I had waited for her to state that she was missing me and was looking forward to eventually coming home--which was an unrealistic expectation on my part, totally inappropriate based upon the hectic nature of her itinerary, especially in Brooklyn with the four kids under 3 years old.  And on this day, prior to coming home, I was really hoping that she would say something about missing me.  I stopped myself from saying anything; I realized that this was a trigger and on a deep level I was afraid, and that I needed to soothe myself and take care of little Bobby, the abandoned child inside of me. Luckily, I did so, and looked to be supportive in the conversation and took pleasure in her excitement about what was happening to her there.

Last night, after she had come home and eaten a dinner that I basically had prepared for her and that she only needed to warm up, I got home at 7:45pm from seeing seven clients.  When I warmed up my dinner and sat down, I expected her to want to sit down by me and spend time with me.  However, she was in the middle of doing something on her computer, so I ended up essentially eating by myself.  Again, I recognized that I had been triggered and I had to soothe myself and make this about me and my abandonment core issue and not about her.  In retrospect, she probably would have come to sit down with me if I had only asked her, but I didn't ask.  To my delight, a couple of times she did come out briefly to the eating area, looked over my shoulder at the article I was reading while eating, and touched me lovingly on my arm, back, and shoulder. 

I recount these events to show that I am working on a transition of dealing with my core issue of emotional abandonment.  It is a journey, but one in which I am having success.  I realize more than ever that it is a cognitive choice to face my fear and to recognize that it is a chance to grow.  This transition is bringing about a feeling of accomplishment and satisfaction that I am progressing.  And when appropriate, I can talk about my successes with my clients!