My Core Issue of Emotional Abandonment

As I do psychotherapy with clients, I will sometimes bring up the concept of core issue work.  Most of us have one or more core issues or challenges which surface repeatedly over the course of our lives.  For me, they have manifested themselves in my relationship with my wife specifically, but with significant others generally, and are usually rooted in deep unexpressed fears.  Core issues almost always cause all sorts of problems, but if viewed as opportunities, I can have a better life.  Here are the most common core issues and their related fears:

1) Abandonment - Nobody cares about me.  I'm all alone.  I don't matter.
2) Arrogance - I'm worse than everyone.  I'm always wrong and you're always right.
3) Damage - Something is wrong with me.  I'm damaged.  I'm flawed.  I'm a failure.
4) Inferiority - I'm not good enough.  I'm worthless.  I'm hopeless.  I'm stupid.  I'm boring.
5) Rejection - I'm unwanted.  I'm a burden.  Nobody wants to spend time with me.
6) Shame - I'm bad.  I'm a mistake.  I'm evil.  I may be exposed as a fraud.

Our core issues often originate from childhood family scenarios--especially in my case.  They can be the result of negative messages that were repeated many times to us by parents or significant other people in our lives.  Or one of these beliefs may have been driven deeply into us during one or more traumatic experiences.  But dealing with a core issue can gradually shift a deeply ingrained fear, thus overcoming a lack of acceptance of ourselves and a deep feeling of being disconnected--from ourselves, from others, from our spiritual nature, or any combination of these.

However, if a person has a significant breakthrough in identifying and transforming a core issue, he/she eventually finds the same issue rearing its ugly head in a different, perhaps more subtle form.  Transforming fear through working on my core issue has been like peeling away layers of an onion.  But as I have peeled, my life has become richer, more meaningful, and more enjoyable than it was before.

In my transition from living in fear by my core belief--abandonment--I have cultivated an ever increasing awareness of how and when my core issue is triggered, but as stated previously, it rears its head in slightly different forms.  Even after working on my core issue for a number of years, it popped up just yesterday and the day before.

I was talking to Ann the day before yesterday prior to her returning home from an 11 day trip to the East Coast to attend a conference, visit her sister and her family, and to spend time with Emily and Adam and their four kids in Brooklyn.  As we have talked daily about her experiences, Ann has recounted her impressions of conversations held, what she has done there, and in general, her exciting life interacting with people.  She hadn't said anything about me other than asking what I had been doing.  I admit that I had waited for her to state that she was missing me and was looking forward to eventually coming home--which was an unrealistic expectation on my part, totally inappropriate based upon the hectic nature of her itinerary, especially in Brooklyn with the four kids under 3 years old.  And on this day, prior to coming home, I was really hoping that she would say something about missing me.  I stopped myself from saying anything; I realized that this was a trigger and on a deep level I was afraid, and that I needed to soothe myself and take care of little Bobby, the abandoned child inside of me. Luckily, I did so, and looked to be supportive in the conversation and took pleasure in her excitement about what was happening to her there.

Last night, after she had come home and eaten a dinner that I basically had prepared for her and that she only needed to warm up, I got home at 7:45pm from seeing seven clients.  When I warmed up my dinner and sat down, I expected her to want to sit down by me and spend time with me.  However, she was in the middle of doing something on her computer, so I ended up essentially eating by myself.  Again, I recognized that I had been triggered and I had to soothe myself and make this about me and my abandonment core issue and not about her.  In retrospect, she probably would have come to sit down with me if I had only asked her, but I didn't ask.  To my delight, a couple of times she did come out briefly to the eating area, looked over my shoulder at the article I was reading while eating, and touched me lovingly on my arm, back, and shoulder. 

I recount these events to show that I am working on a transition of dealing with my core issue of emotional abandonment.  It is a journey, but one in which I am having success.  I realize more than ever that it is a cognitive choice to face my fear and to recognize that it is a chance to grow.  This transition is bringing about a feeling of accomplishment and satisfaction that I am progressing.  And when appropriate, I can talk about my successes with my clients!