Loving Detachment

It may be due to how I perceive what happens around me, but it sure seems like events occur in my life that are meant to teach me some important lesson or truth.  Something will happen, or someone from my past or present will say or do something, or I will receive some inspiration or understanding.  These occurrences will cause me to ask myself, "is there purpose in what I am experiencing?"  "What am I supposed to be learning?"  Sometimes it is a truth that I have already understood, but for some reason it is important to ask myself again in order to internalize once more.

My life seems quite full of those moments.  Perhaps it is because of being an introspective person.  Perhaps it is because of the psychotherapy work that I do each week, particularly with couples or partners in a couple/dyadic relationship, and what I experience in that setting.  Whatever their cause, I routinely have these inner dialogues about meanings.

What was very important for me to understand and internalize a few years ago was the concept of being codependent.  A codependent person has been defined as:  "a person who has let another person's behavior affect him or her, and who is obsessed with controlling that person's behavior."  It is as important to me today as it was when I first understood it, and I understand it better now because I continually scrutinize my life, and because I see codependency everywhere I look!

I learned that codependency is what I call "the mother of all addictions" because 1) it is a behavior present in nearly every addiction, and 2) it is the most wide spread addictive behavior of them all.  And while many people would say they have no addictions or addictive behaviors, given some time to review their behaviors with those around them especially with their children, I can usually spot codependent behavior.  Codependence is really an addiction, and most people are blissfully ignorant of it.

The truth of codependency was given to me through examining my life, observing what was happening around me, and seeing my own codependence, particularly with my wife, children and extended family.  I realized that I allowed myself to be negatively impacted by a loved one, who for whatever reason did not do or be what I asked them to do or be, or who for whatever reason did not return the love I had offered them in my words or deeds.  I wanted them to follow my path or to think well of me, and that they didn't do it was unbearable.

As a result of my research, my experience in the psychological health care field, and my own life experience, when I have codependent expectations (and I sometimes still do), they are almost always about me and not about the loved one.  In other words, if my teen aged child decided not to follow my path, including my morals and values, and I attempted to control their behavior, that is really about my anxiety, and not necessarily about my love for them.  If I allow their contrary behavior to affect me negatively, that is my issue, not theirs.

For example, if my wife does something that I wish she didn't do, or think she should do something differently, a better way (my way), a way that to my belief wouldn't cause so many problems, I am attaching to her in a codependent way.  If I am trying to live her life for and through her, I have made her life about me, not about her.  It is easier for me to stay unhealthily attached to her.  At least I can live in the illusion that I'm trying to help her.

To the degree that I worry, stew, react, or try to control her, I am being codependent.  I have made her behavior about me.  But in doing so, I am disrespecting both her and me.  Never mind that what I am doing keeps my emotions churning because of what she did or didn't say or do, or will do next.  Never mind that what I am doing isn't really helping her or me.  

If I am so enmeshed and attached to her, and don't realize what I am doing, I will keep on doing it because it's my default setting, and it's easy.   Self-realization is challenging and frought with fear, and usually requires change.  Ouch!

I am experienceing a better way.  It is called "loving detachment."  It is not a cold, hostile withdrawal, a resignation, a despairing acceptance or what life has dealt me.  It is not ignorant bliss or being unaffected by people and problems.  It is not cutting off relationships or a removal of love or concern.

It is lovingly, not angrily, disengaging mentally, emotionally, and sometimes even physically from unhealthy entanglements that belong to another person's life.  It is calmly detaching from their responsibilities, from problems we cannot solve.  In her landmark book titled Codependent No More, which I esteem nearly as important as religious scripture, Meloldy Beattie writes the following:

Detachment is based on the premise that each person is responsible for himself, that we can't solve problems that aren't ours to solve, and that worrying doesn't help.  We adopt a policy of keeping our hands off other people's responsibilities and tend to our own instead.  If people have created disasters for themselves, we allow them to face their own proverbial music. [Yes, parents, that means us!]  We allow people to be who they are.  We give them the freedom to be responsible and to grow.  And we give ourselves that same freedom.  We live our own lives to the best of our ability.  We strive to ascertain what it is we can change and what we cannot change.  Then we stop trying to change things we can't.

She further writes incitefully about having faith in ourselves, our Higher Power (if we have one), and other people: 

We believe in the rightness and appropriateness of each moment.  We release our burdens and cares, and give ourselves the freedom to enjoy life in spite of our unsolved problems.  We trust that all is well in spite of our conflicts.  We trust that Somebody greater than ourselves knows, has ordained, and cares about what is happening.  We understand that this Someone can do much more to solve the problem than we can.  So we try to stay out of His way and let Him do it.  (And I would say that from my personal experience, He is much better at solving problems than I am--because that is His responsibility and He does it perfectly!)

I have felt a great increase in my personal peace, my personal serenity.   I have felt more energized about my life and my ability to find real solutions to problems.  I have felt much less guilt about my life and responsibility for the lives of others.  And in some cases when I have lovingly detached, it has motivated and freed people around me to begin to solve their own problems.  I have stopped worrying about them and they have picked up the slack and have finally started taking responsibility for themselves.   I am minding my own business.

An acknowledgement as I conclude this blog posting.  Sometimes detaching lovingly is impossible, but often that has to do with our loved one.  We shouldn't think that it is impossible as we begin the process of detaching lovingly, but sometimes it is in our best mental and emotional health to just detach--and maybe it won't be pretty.   Detaching is ultimately about taking care of one's self.  And if you find you can't detach, try to relax, chill out, sit back, and take a deep breath.  Just try to make their lives about them and not about you!



  

Twelve Relationship Myths

        1.      If we loved each other, we wouldn’t have any problems.  Relationships require self-knowledge, listening skills, problem solving skills, hard work, and the ability to relax and have fun.  With these resources, you will find your relationship much more likely to thrive.  Love alone is not enough.

     2.     If my partner really loved me, he/she would know what I want.  The more your partner gets to know you, the easier it will be to know many of your wishes.  However, sometimes we year to slip back to a very young phase of life when mother knew what our crying meant and would change our diaper, hold and cuddle us, or recognize you needed to get to bed soon.  Or we might have had an overly involved mother during our childhood and teenage years.  Since your partner has not been with you all of your life, he/she will probably need you to define the subtle nuances of the things you want.  Of course, even then you may find your partner not picking up on your expressed wish.  This can be quite disappointing and deserves to be explored in a time and space when both of you are in a relatively non-defensive place.

      3.     I have to say what I feel/You should say what you feel.  Saying much of what you feel helps partners to relate and make your relationship work.  However, sharing a negative feeling at the wrong time and/or in the wrong way may produce a very unhappy outcome.  One does not have to reveal feelings in any given moment.  Given in the wrong way can produce a lot of reactive defensiveness on your partner’s part.  In fact, such a bombshell may lead to a very unhappy, unproductive situation.  You can make a decision to hold onto the feelings until a good time for sharing, and you should make every effort to tell your partner when that will be.  Holding onto feelings until the right time can save a marriage/partnership.  However, repressing your feelings without ever exploring their negative impact on you can lead to anger and to distancing from your partner.

      4.     Getting out all of your feelings will strengthen your partnership.  Feelings need to be responded to with empathy and care.  Creative solutions need to be discovered.  Exploring all of your feelings in one sitting can be a script for disaster.  The middle of the night when you both are tired and exhausted is not the best time for creative barnstorming.  Often, problems will become less so as time goes by.  Talking about your feelings over a period of time will allow you both to recover and will allow what may be less important to fade.

             5.  If my partner would just change, our relationship would be great.  Most relationship counselors find both partners feel this way when therapy begins.  As you grow, you will learn that you can only change yourself.  You cannot change your partner’s behavior; only he/she can—if they want to.  Waiting until your partner changes simply is folly and not an effective way to improve your relationship.  Serenity comes from accepting that you cannot change your partner and exercising courage to change yourself and it is a process to know how to do that.  Looking for ways to develop your own self-understanding and your social skills can dramatically strengthen your partnership.

            6.  Unless my partner talks about his/her feelings, I will always feel like I do not know him/her.   Often, feeling-driven partners have a desperate need to hear about their partner’s feelings, and they spend wasted energy confronting the partner about how they “never share feelings.”  Many individuals—especially women—turn outward to express and to process their feelings.  Others—often men—turn inward to explore their own inner yearnings.  Some research even indicates that men are “hard wired” to be less in touch with their feelings.  Repeated confrontation around this subject leads to even more defensiveness and subsequent withdrawal.  Finding times to relax and share common visions and dreams leads to a more free-flowing exchange of thoughts and feelings. 

     7.   If she would just be more logical/rational, then at least we might get somewhere in this conversation.   Individuals are different.  You may have fallen in love with a partner who more easily accesses the part that you find most difficult.  So some men seem to “allow the spouse to do the feeling for them.”  Thinkers need to remember that to their opposites, feelings are facts and facts need to be gathered as a part of any decision making process.  Learning to listen all the way through what is being stated through active or reflective listening will provide a much more acceptable environment for your partner to the clarity of your logic.

     8.   The perfect partner could make my life complete.  The reality is that only you can make your life complete.  We may marry someone who does bring a new dimension to our lives and then believe that by “osmosis” we will absorb the trait of our partner.  But the hard work of sorting what you need in your life, identifying a way to get there, and setting things in motion remains entirely up to you.  You will make more progress by attempting to live your life to the fullest and inviting your partner to share and enjoy your life with you.

     9.    If he were just honest, I could deal with anything my partner did.  If one has been raised in a family where there was punishment for dishonesty, that person will probably wince or become angry at any discovery that their partner has been hiding something.  That person may even become an expert at pointing out ways that their partner may be in denial about their denial.  Other persons are raised in families where what mom and dad did not know kept them from being punished.  Withholding certain things in that context seemed like the smartest thing to do.  Once again the focus on “just being honest” can be a way of retreating into mutual defensiveness rather than looking at the roots of the deception and making it safe to be honest.

           10.     If we just had more sex, everything would be great.  Most couples experience a difference in sexual appetite.  For men, sometimes the demand to have sex becomes a way of resolving everything rather than looking at the deeper issues that need to be explored.  The man’s yearning to be more physical at times often misses the disconnection that the spouse may be feeling that keeps her from feeling emotionally close enough to enjoy having sex with him.  Truthfully, women crave emotional connection with their spouse and without it, she may feel pressured and feel anger if compelled or manipulated into having sex.  Sex is a delicate dance that requires great sensitivity on the part of both partners.

            11.    Never go to bed angry.  The middle of the night tends to be a poor time to be creative in problem solving or discerning the nuances of your partner’s feelings.  Some well-meaning authority figures in our lives sometimes share this admonition prior to marriage and couples feel the burden to stay up all night to work through an issue.  Either partner would do well to recognize the degree to which clarity does not seems to be emerging in a conversation.  Continuing to talk in this situation will likely lead to things being said that neither will want to remember the next day.  Couples should find relief in agreeing to a “ceasefire.”  If a partner tends to feel abandoned in such a circumstance, he/she will likely respond to setting a clear time and date for renewing the attempt to problem solve when both partners can think clearly.  This concept works during the day as well.  Giving a spouse hope for resolution of a problem through offering to revisit it at a specified time works wonders, but it is important that the appointment be kept when meaningful “win-win” solutions can be negotiated.

            12.     My partner had a physical or emotional affair because he/she is selfish and doesn’t love me anymore.  This is a very natural response to the discovery of an affair.  However, affairs happen for many reasons and mean very different things to different individuals. These differences can lie in cultural expectations, what one’s parent(s) did, or from a deep sense of loneliness.  It usually is a selfish act, but it is often a complicated act.

Often when one emerges out of the shell of an old sense of purpose, one often feels empty and does know what will make life seem exciting again.  Like a teenager, a partner does not know what might work but cannot imagine that a parent—or in this case a partner—will understand.  Again the pursuit of an affair can be a way to try to understand what one is searching for.

The reasons above do not excuse a partner from having had an affair because affairs have a devastating impact on most relationships, yet assuming that your partner no longer loves you may prove to be an erroneous perception.  There needs to be an exploration of what the partner who had the affair actually feels about the spouse, often best accommodated with the help of a therapist or clergy.  The betrayed spouse needs to observe if the partner acknowledges the tremendous breach of trust, wants to understand the pain, and is committed to sincerely rebuilding the relationship.  If such “turnabout” is sincere through actions, the relationship may well be salvageable and worth the effort it will take to rebuild it.  


Based upon a paper written by L. David Willoughby, MFT, RN, and edited by Robert Davis, MA, MFTI

Musical Tastes

Devo

Anyone who has followed this blog for more than a few months, or who knows me at all, knows that music is an important part of my life. It has been so my entire life and I don't see that changing any time soon.  If you'd care to catch up on previous postings related to music, please find below a listing of them and the date I posted them.

• My Non-Choral Classical Top 40 Songs - - September 18, 2011
• Roll Down the Windows (Heavy Metal Top 40) -- October 10, 2011
• Singing Praises -- February 12, 2013
• Only the Black Notes (Amazing Grace) -- April 2, 2013
• I Know My Father Lives -- November 5, 2013
• Beatles Top 40 -- January 13, 2014
• Where Were You? (Top 10 Beatle Covers) -- February 6, 2014

Since music is such an important part of me, and since part of the reason why I blog is so that there is some record of my feelings and thoughts for my posterity, I thought it would be worthwhile to list some of the artists and/or the genre of music that I listen to.  The list that follows is not an exhaustive list of all of the music recordings that I own, but it covers most of my collection.  Some recordings are compilations of various artists of a parrticular genre, and that will be noted.  The classical list will consist of composers and performers.

I've decided to list them in rough categorical genres.  It might be interesting for my readers to see how many you recognize.  Based upon those tastes, if any reader has suggestions as to possible artists that I might enjoy, don't be bashful to let me know!  I'm always open to new artists, groups, or composers.

POP, ROCK, FUNK
Beatles, Beach Boys, Jon Bon Jovi, Blood, Sweat & Tears, Crosby, Stills & Nash, Bread, Chicago, Devo, Earth, Wind & Fire, Elton John, Gary Numan, Edgar Winter Group, George Thorogood & the Destroyers, INXS, Luscious Jackson, The Moody Blues, The Police, Presidents of the United States of America, Queen, Robert Palmer, Paul Simon, Simon & Garfunkel, Soundgarden, Stevie Ray Vaughan, Sting, Stevie Wonder, U2, The Who, Neil Young, ZZ Top

Duke Ellington

JAZZ
Chuck Mangione, Duke Ellington, Diana Krall, Isaac Hayes, Ella FItzgerald & Louis Armstrong, The Ink Spots, The Mills Brothers, Antonio Carlos Jobim, Playboy After Dark Compilation (excellent!)

HEAVY METAL
Rush, Van Halen, Billy Squier, Metallica, Nirvana, Queens of the Stone Age, Stone Temple Pilots, Ozzy Osbourne, Led Zeppelin

Van Halen

NEW AGE
The New Romantics Compilation, David Lanz, Mannheim Steamroller, Kitaro

PATRIOTIC
Various Compliations

Linda Ronstadt

LATINO/SALSA
Linda Ronstadt, Susie Hansen

OPERA
Greatest Hits of Opera

FOLK, EASY LISTENING
James Taylor, Gordon Lightfoot, Judy Collins

James Taylor

SOUNDTRACKS
The Straight Story, Bossa Nova, A Clockwork Orange

CLASSICAL-Composers
Bach, Beethoven, Chopin, Copland, Debussy, Dvorak, Durufle, Faure, Gershwin, Holst, Lauridsen, Mozart, Part, Puccini, Ravel, Rimsky-Korsakov, Rachmaninov, Rossini, Saint-Seans, Tchaikovsky, Verdi

Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart

CLASSICAL-Performers
Atlanta Symphony Orchestra, Estonian Philharmonic, LA Master Chorale, London Classical Players, New York Philharmonic, Cleveland Orchestra, Stuttgart Chamber Orchestra, BYU Choruses & Philharmonic Orchestra, Luciano Pavarotti, King's Singers (not just classical), Robert Shaw Chorale, Thijs Van Leer, Vienna Philharmonic, Mormon Tabernacle Choir, Chant

GENRE CROSSERS & MISCELLANEOUS
Nat King Cole - Jazz, Pop, Leo Kottke - Guitar, Barbershop Quartet Compilation, John Jarvis - Piano, Willie Nelson - American Songbook

Willie Nelson

Misconceptions about Pornography Addiction

• Pornography is not addictive.  Current medical studies on the brain document the chemicals that are produced in the brain when viewing pornography greatly impact it and can create addiction to the chemicals, and subsequently to pornography.  One study equates the effect pornography has on the brain with the use of cocaine.  Not everyone that looks at pornography is an addict, but it is risky behavior that can lead to terrible consequences.
• If you regularly look at pornography, you must be a sex addict.  Most of the people that use the term "addict" don't really understand addiction, and use it to describe someone who really likes doing some behavior or using some chemical.  If you regularly look at pornography. and cannot stop after repeatedly attempting not to, and do so at the peril of important relationships in your life, then you may be a sex addict.  But many people who look at pornography do not reach that level.  Understanding why one can't stop looking at pornography and masturbating is more productive than putting a label on one's self or another as being a sex addict.
• Pornography is merely about sex.  When a someone looks at pornography, they will almost always masturbate, but their behaviors are not really about sex.  They are about what they are feeling, or trying not to feel, as they use pornography and masturbate to self-soothe or to cope with stressors in their lives. Studies show that many if not most people who have chemical addictions such as with alcohol or drugs also have sexual addictive behaviors--because they use all of their addictions to deal with the challenges of their lives.
• Pornography helps the addict to deal with less sexual activity with their partner.  This behavior comes at a great cost.  Pornography dulls the ability to connect with a partner emotionally, and usually involves isolating. The more one engages in this behavior , the easier it is to disconnect. Partners can sense when they are being objectified and will eventually rebel. All porn addicts lie to cover up their dual lives, thus destroying the trust that their partners have in them. Pornography addiction is often referred to as an attachment disorder.
• Children can’t get addicted.  Not many people have this belief these days. The average age for first exposure to pornography used to be age 11, just ten years ago.  That age is now younger, meaning there are 7 or 8 year olds that are becoming addicted.  Children can become addicted to the "chemical banquet" that occurs in their brains and bodies, just like people who are older. Nearly all people currently wrestling with problems of sexual acting out started doing so when they were in their early teens, if not earlier.
• If a filter is placed on computers or phones, there will not be any exposure to pornography. Many people, including youth, who are computer saavy at all can often get past a filter.  Some filters are harder to figure out than others.  Some programs have accountability partners while others try to control internet searches.  But online pornography is only one of many sources of pornography.
• If someone is addicted to pornography, they will probably be a child molester.  Although there is ample child pornography on the Internet, most men do not access these sites.  And even if they go to these sites, there is no certainty that they will become child molesters.  Many child molesters were molested themselves as children.  
• Being abstinent is the same as recovery.  When someone is in their addiction, the focus of their life (and if they have a family, their family members' lives also) is on the addiction.  Recovery cannot take place while acting out.  Thus, abstinence is an absolute requirement for recovery, but it is not recovery.  Abstinence hopefully takes the focus off of the addiction, and onto the "whys" of the addiction.  When one is able to focus on these reason(s), recovery can begin.  Otherwise, it is often only a matter of time before the addict acts out; when "white knuckleing" or will power fails them.  
• If the addict keeps slipping up, they will never be able to stop their behaviors.  Most addicts will slip up, especially if they are using sheer will power.  Slips are a part of the process of becoming abstinent and being in recovery.  The truth is that for most addicts, they stop themselves from their addictive behaviors more often than they give into them. Most addicts have great will power. They lack needful support from a group of their fellow addicts who can hold them accountable. They lack a sponsor or a person who has been through the process as an addict and can be there for them in the wobbly times. They lack understanding why they engage in their addictive behaviors.  Even then, they may not be perfect.
• If a partner is addicted to pornography and masturbation, it is the other partner’s fault.  This is a manipulation the addict puts on their loved one so as to not confront the real reason(s) why they act out.  Addicted partners often use this manipulation when they perceive that they are not engaging in sexual activity as often as they need to, or when their sex life for them has become stale and unexciting.  But as previously explained, sexual addiction is not really about sex; it's about how they use sex to self-soothe.  It is their own issue.
• Shaming or embarrassing those with addictive tendencies will motivate them to stop.  Quite the opposite is true.  Shame, embarrassment and condemnation tend to cause those with such tendencies to hide them and be more secretive about them in order to avoid exposure.  People who attend relgious services can be shamed by doctrine and by eccleciastical leaders, who may ignorantly tell them to prayer more diligently or read scripture a little longer. What they need is an atmosphere of love, hope, and support, with appropriate boundaries thoughtfully and lovingly placed.
• Pornography will help a couple enhance their relationship.  This is another manipulation by the addicted partner who wrongfully believes that new, more exciting sex will make their relationship better.  Pornography is degrading to the participants, and if one of the partners is already routinely looking at pornography, chances are they will think about the person's body in the media rather than their partner when engages in sex with them.  
• If a partner has a sexual addiction, the other partner should leave (or divorce) because they will never change.  Never is a long time. People can change if they are inwardly motivated to do so. Often being discovered by their partner serves as a genuine wake up call, but an addicted partner needs to want to stop the behavior for themselves and not just to please their partner or to meet their partner's ultimatum.  Divorce is a "nuclear option" and should be used with the greatest of care, especially when children are involved.  Boundaries need to be put in place with consequences.  
• If single, getting married will solve the problem.   If one has been abstinent, being able to engage in sexual activity does not make the desire go away to look at pornography and masturbate.  There is an underlying reason for the behaviors and until they are addressed in a therapeutic setting (or if one does a genuine Fourth Step of the SA Twelve Steps), the newly married person will continue their behaviors.
• If I am active in a church congregation, God will protect me from addiction.  This is self-deceit. In most church congregations, there will be a number of people who struggle with pornography and masturbation.  They are filled with shame and often lead an exhausting double life.  Praying, studying scripture, and attending services will not automatically take away the desire to indulge in these behaviors.  
• If a partner confesses to an ecclesiastical leader, the addiction will go away.   Such thinking would be similar to going to the family doctor to talk about one's diabetes and then believing it will go away.  Besides, most ecclesiatical authorities to not understand addiction. The addiction won't go away until the addict confesses to themselves that they are powerless over their addiction and that their lives have become unmanageable. 

If you or a loved one has challenges with a possible addiction to pornography and masturbation and would like some help, please contact me personally at my email:  robertedavismft@gmail.com.