A Bait and Switch in Marriage?

"What happened to my wife? She used to be so affectionate before marriage! "This expression is often heard from husbands who wonder how their marital relationship could turn out so differently than they expected. One husband shared his experience as follows:

“Before we were married my wife was very into the idea of being intimate and was looking forward to it. You could tell that her drive was high. But after we got married -- like very shortly afterwards -- her drive disappeared. She swears that it's not me or my performance, but that it's just her. She says she just doesn't know what to do about it, and wants her sex drive to kick in again much like her desire to be a mother kicked in again after we had our first child.”

Another husband wrote:

I’ve been gypped. She pulled a bait and switch on me. My wife was so affectionate before marriage. Now she won’t even let me touch her. Our lovemaking happens only occasionally, and it’s very empty emotionally. Her body is there, but her heart isn’t. I feel deprived and neglected. I’m an easy-going guy, but my wife makes me feel like a sex maniac. I don’t know what’s wrong. It’s like she’s turned stone cold. I feel like I’m walking on eggshells all the time and I never seem to get my needs met. Surely this isn’t how marriage is supposed to be. I always dreamed that intimate relations would be part of a healthy and happy marriage.

Marriage is a Surprise Grab Bag

It's true that marriage is a surprise grab bag. You can never really know what you’re going to get. Marriage, like life, is an adventure that has inevitable surprises, delights and some curve balls too.

This so-called "bait and switch" happens on both sides of the marriage relationship. He may feel gypped about the intimate or sexual aspects of marriage, but a wife may feel gypped about the disappearance of time, attention and non-sexual affection she used to get from her husband prior to marriage.

Specifically speaking of what often happens with women and this bait and switch in marriage, here are fivespecific areas for couples to address to shift their relationship: (1) Attention, (2) Affection, (3) Anticipation, (4) Reality, and (5) Education.

1. Attention. The time and attention a woman receives from her “boyfriend” prior to marriage really feeds her loving feelings, which makes her feel close and connected emotionally to her husband.

That emotional connection provides emotional foreplay that allows her to feel sexually attracted to her husband. When after marriage that time and attention diminishes, it is harder for a woman to feel as emotionally connected, which increases the difficulty of her having romantic feelings towards her spouse.

2. Affection. As a marriage and sex therapist, I hear it over and over (especially from wives) that once sex enters the marital relationship then affection seems to be kicked out the back door.

Affection--without strings attached--is so important in a relationship not only for women, but also for men. Both husbands and wives often find themselves “touch” deprived in marriage because they overlook the need to enjoy non-sexual touch and affection as a pleasure in its own right.

Showing the importance of affection to women, columnist Ann Landers asked women “would you be content to be held close and treated tenderly, and forget about the sex act?” More than 90,000 women responded and said "Yes!" Think about that. You can see how important the emotional and non-sexual niceties in marriage are to a woman.

So, men, keep up on the affection in marriage--especially without it leading to something else! This can help you both not only feel close and connected, but can also help women be more willing and able to move from physical and emotional closeness to sexual connection.

3. Anticipation. In marriage a woman’s sexual fire is fueled as much or more by the anticipation or build up of sexual excitement as the main event itself. Anticipation is a key component of a wife’s sexual wiring.

Prior to marriage women get to bask in the anticipation of sexual intimacy and those pre-sexual intimate feelings knowing that it can’t or won’t go any further.

So, in marriage when a couple can follow through on the physical act of lovemaking, and yet the emotional fuel has diminished, you can see how a husband might interpret the difference as a bait and switch in marriage.

4. Reality. When the realities of life begin to set in marriage it can have a dramatic effect on the intimate relationship. The anesthesia of premarital bliss tends to wear off a bit when there are bills to pay, dishes to do, and babies to tend to.

Those inevitable stressors of family life tend to increase the need for sexual intimacy in men, since lovemaking is a natural stress reliever.

But for women these stressors tend to dampen their desire for sexual intimacy, given that women often need to feel relaxed before they can tune into their desire for sexual connecting.

So, with new babies and the demands of little ones, the reality of sleep deprivation may be one of the leading culprits for young moms when it comes to diminished sexual feelings toward their spouse.

5. Education. The overriding issue for a lot of women in a bait and switch situation is that they are often unaware of what lovemaking and their God-given sexuality is really all about.

Given that there is so little positive affirmation of sex and sexuality (and so much negative) even within marriage, many wives have simply not identified themselves as sexual beings nor embraced their sexuality as good and of God.

This is where many couples will need the help of good books, like And They Were Not Ashamed--Strengthening Marriage through Sexual Fulfillment, or even a good counselor that is versed in the intricacies of intimacy to help them see where they may be having some difficulties.

What To Do

While some may expect a wife's desire to just show up like one's mothering instincts, it's important to remember that a mutually fulfilling sexual relationship is a learned behavior for couples--grounded upon healthy understanding and healthy attitudes regarding male and female sexual wiring, as well as one’s own sexuality.

The key for those who may be facing a bait and switch situation in marriage is to talk with their spouse about these five issues and see where they may need to make some adjustments. These are just a few of the key issues that may be at play in this marital scenario.

This is an article written by Laura M. Brotherson and published in Meridian Magazine on March 27, 2012.

As General Conference Approaches

As General Conference looms at the end of next week, I find myself feeling both excited and afraid. I am excited to hear about any new temples planned throughout the world and to hear stories about the international growth of the Church.  I am excited to hear music from the choirs, and to smile as I listen to Mack Wilberg's predictable, wonderful songs, full of key changes and notes that go forever at their end.  (They are so recognizable!)

I am feeling excited because I still believe that God can speak through apostles and prophets (and sisters!) and I am looking forward to being inspired.  Since I still believe that the Lord is who is the head of the Church (not the Prophet), I believe that He can and hopefully will inspire those who speak, including the Prophet, to relay to the world what He would have us become, and not just do.  I still believe that He can work through them to console those of us who need consolation, to help us all to feel His love and to instruct us on how to better share that love with others, to preach the doctrine of the Church.

Conference time has always been an exciting time for me!  I remember watching the black and white sessions on Fridays, and recall when the Conference was announced as the 134th Semi-Annual Conference, not the 184th, which this one will be.  I remember listening to a short-wave broadcast of a Conference when I was serving a mission in Argentina in 1974.  I remember giving my children papers to color, or Talk Bingo, as enticements to get them to watch even one Conference talk so that I could focus on what was being said.

But I must admit that I am feeling afraid.  I am afraid that a speaker will be so enthused about preaching doctrine that may be a "high bar" for many, without giving hope to those of us who are not who or where we want to be, and which might make me or someone like me want to give up.  I am afraid that there will be a whole lot of doctrine and what more we should be doing, and not a lot of joy at our salvation, and feeling joy about where we are today.  I am afraid that speakers will perpetuate the "we-they" narrative that distances us as a Church from others.  I am afraid that because of what will be said, the Church might be viewed from within and without as a cult, because of expressed expectations of mindlessly following Church leaders, and not following Joseph Smith's example of doing what James 1:5 instructs.

I am afraid that a speaker (or members who will study the talks in Priesthood and Relief Society) might be insensitive to those who may not believe, or may be struggling, with what they are preaching.  I am afraid that someone might relate their opinion about a belief and not what is the belief.  I am afraid that what may have been said by former prophets and apostles might be cast aside as unenlightened and be replaced by more enlightened doctrine, and what effect that might have on those trying to make sense of the Church's history.  I am afraid that some speaker might have had his or her talk significantly changed by those who review and edit talks so as to put a "happy face" on the talk.

In spite of my fears, I am excited and very much looking forward to General Conference.  I am looking forward to feeling the Spirit.

Some of My Take-aways from the Affirmation Conference

Randall Thacker, John Gustav-Wrathall, Todd Richardson

While attending the Affirmation Conference this past weekend, upon hearing something that was meaningful to me, I would write the thought on my Notepad in my I-Phone.  What I want to do is to share some of those ideas, and riff on them a bit.  This is part of my processing of what was a transformative experience for me.

"Take one day at a time to deal with the ambiguity"

While the LDS LGBT community would ideally like for Church policy to change through modern revelation to general Church leadership, Randall Thacker, current president of Affirmation, warned the Community that they will be greatly disappointed if they expect such a momentous change to occur.  Affirmation is not about lobbying for such a landmark shift; rather, it seeks to facilitate and support the community in their efforts to live and even thrive in the uncertainty.

When speaking to uninformed LDS members about Affirmation, some grasp the ambiguity.  How does someone who has not chosen to have same-gender attraction but has felt it as long as they can remember, reconcile these feelings that can't be prayed, read or fasted away with Church doctrine which seems to speak only to a heterosexual heaven, and whose leadership and members are often unloving and even hostile to them?

Those who attended the conference were challenged to accept the need to tolerate unanswerable questions.

"We don't have revelation as a Church as to what God thinks about His homosexual children"

This is a paraphrase of what someone in Affirmation leadership was told by a General Authority. It is true and it rings true.  If there were such revelation, then it would be preached over the pulpit, included in the General Handbook of Instructions, and stake presidents and bishops would hopefully be more consistent in their treatment of their LGBT members who still want to be connected to the Church.  Presently, lacking specific revelation, local leaders are left to their own opinions and their own biases--how they interpret the revelatory ambiguity.

What the Church does know has been placed by it on their website: mormonsandgays.org.  This is a website that the LGBT community was pleased to see because it gave them hope that their ambiguity was being recognized by general Church leadership, and it gave voice to one of the community's greatest aspirations: that Christians and particularly LDS people should show love to all God's children, as Christ would show it.

"The Kubler-Ross stages of grief can help assist in giving clarity to members of the LDS LGBT community"

I have previously blogged about this helpful teaching and would refer the reader to it for increased insight.  I had not considered its relevance and application to the LDS LGBT community until I attended a discussion group about the Stages of Grief during the Conference.  The stages are:

-- Denial  Most in the Community have wrestled with themselves and with God that they or their loved ones were indeed LGBT.
-- Anger  There is often much anger pointed outward toward family, friends and insensitive Church members.  But often there is also anger pointed inward.  "Why was I born this way?  Why doesn't God take away these feelings?
--  Bargaining  Many LDS LGBT people have tried to make a deal with God.  "If I serve a mission, will you please take away these feelings?"  "If I pray more, read scriptures longer, fast more frequently, attend the temple more regularly, will you then please give me peace of mind?"
--  Depression  Nearly all in this Community have dealt with depression.  It manifests in so many ways.  Much of the depression comes from wrestling with their paradox of wanting to be accepted by God and by His Church, but realizing that their homosexuality or feelings about their gender are undeniable.
--  Acceptance  The path that this Community walks hopefully leads to a peace and self-acceptance of their own or their loved one's homosexuality and their gender.  This path also demands acceptance of the inherent aforementioned ambiguity of their lives. 

"Our challenge is to bring the body and spirit together"

I interpreted this to mean that for the LDS LGBT person, it is necessary to neither ignore their sexuality nor their need for connection with God.  As in the LDS doctrine of resurrection in which the glorified body is brought together with the glorified spirit to form a single unit of great joy and contentment, so should the Community seek to bring their physical natures together with their spiritual natures into one. Neither nature can or should be neglected.  Successfully integrated in mortality, the LDS LGBT person can experience joy and contentment now.

"Labels can be good and bad"

If I think of myself as sensitive and caring, I am labeling myself.  Likely, if I do it consistently, I will come to fulfill that expectation.  In other words, it becomes a self-fulfilling prophesy.  But if I think of myself as a slacker or an addict, I will likely become or continue to be that person.

This experience of labeling happens routinely in our interactions with others, especially those who are seen as different from us.  People label others in a conscious or subconscious attempt to distance themselves so they do not have to interact with them or find out more about them.  And for the non-LGBT member of the Church, it is important that we do not fall into this trap with regard to those among us who are LGBT.  Those who take the time to get to know the LGBT individual and experience, will come away with increased empathy and hopefully will be enlarged in their capacity to love.

Darius Gray, Friday's Exceptional Featured Speaker

"Everyone is: A Child of God, Loved of God, and Part of God's Plan

All LDS members need to embrace this doctrine, for their own self-love and for their interactions with those who are different from them.  While many realize that they are indeed a child of God (what a wonderfully spiritual experience to hear us sing I Am a Child of God as one of our worship songs this past weekend!). I learned again that many in the LDS LGBT community wrestle to really believe that they are loved of God.  Many also wrestle with the concept that their homosexuality and gender are part of God's plan.

I found the words of the 2nd Verse of I Am a Child of God to be particularly poignant as I sang them with my LGBT brothers and sisters:

I am a Child of God, and so my needs are great.  Help me to understand His words before it grows too late.

Another talk dealt with the idea that we are all seeds, that God has planted us, that within a seed is the promise of becoming what eventually the seed will become, but that God is fine with us being a seed.  God lovingly sees the seed as perfect, and that we, as seeds, are perfect at every stage of becoming what we will eventually become in God's garden.  Our grwoth is part of God's Plan.

"Life is to be enjoyed, not just to be endured"

Because of living in the ambiguity, and because living inside and outside of the closet is challenging for the LDS LGBT person, it is a challenge to not simply get through the day or to get through life, but to really find and feel joy.  The last phrase in the scripture found in 2 Nephi 2:25 in The Book of Mormon comes to mind: "...men are that they might have joy."

It takes mindful effort to live life in the moment and to enjoy the journey.  It takes effort to rid ourselves of damaging, illogical thoughts and begin the process of challenging them and replacing them with uplifting, affirming, logical thoughts which can then positively influence our feelings and behaviors.

"It is called the Plan of Salvation, not the Plan of Damnation"

LDS believers embrace what is called the Plan of Salvation.  What sometimes occurs is that they choose to put more emphasis on the Plan part and less on the Salvation part.  Adherents of the LDS faith get caught up in what they see as the beauty and logic of the Plan, but give short shrift to the concept that the Plan is to save all of God's children.  God's work is "to bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of man," and may I say parenthetically, ALL MEN, ALL HUMANITY.

His purpose is not to damn us, or stop our progression, but to faciliate that progression.  His business is not to damn us but to save us.  That should be cause for us who believe to really believe what He has said.  The LDS LGBT Community that surrounded me this past weekend was filled with light and with belief in God's assurances.  They are worthy, as am I, of His saving grace and his unconditional, salvational love.

"Life lessons to be learned are best realized in a marriage setting"

This understanding has changed my mind regarding my view on same-sex marriage.  It has not come easily.  It is a process and it is still evolving.  But I have chosen to embrace it even though my Church, through its backing of Proposition 8 and the continuing rhetoric of some General Authorities, preaches otherwise.  My evolution on this subject has been the source of great consternation and distress to my extended family who have not been shy in voicing their opinions to me.

But if, in fact, life lessons are best realized in a marriage setting, and if life is really to help us to become the best we can be, to learn about ourselves, to learn to love unconditionally, how can that be done by someone who has no option but to remain celibate?  That is not to say the single people cannot learn those important lessons, but an LGBT does not have the choice to be married with the Church's blessing.  And becoming involved in a mixed orientation marriage is not the answer, as it once was preached by the Church.   For the record, I learned that current statistics show that 85% of marriages to someone of the opposite gender of LGBT people who have served LDS missions ends in divorce.  The statistic is 95% if neither has served an mission.

So does God love LGBT individuals less?  Are they supposed to sojourn in life as flawed, damaged individuals?  It is easy for someone who is a privileged heterosexual and has the opportunity for marriage to think that an LGBT just needs to go through life without the profound love found in a marriage covenant.  Isn't it called The Plan of Salvation and not The Plan of Damnation, and doesn't the doctrine apply to everyone?

One person spoke of sacred personal revelation he had received from God regarding his query about persuing a same-gender relationship.  He remarked that God revealed to him "I want you to have happiness in this life and in the next.  (My emphasis)  Isn't that really what God wants for all of us, or is it just hyperbole?

"Stay at the table"

This phrase was uttered a few times in a discussion about LGBT people and their interactions with family and friends who cannot embrace their sexuality.  It is a challenge for an LGBT person to not step away from "the table" in their interactions with loved ones out of frustration that their decisions are not supported by loved ones, out of feeling rejected by them.  It is also a challenge for certain of their loved ones to step away who simply cannot open their hearts and minds to the reality that their son, daughter, father or mother is same-gender attracted and do not give heed to their calls to repentance. 

The LGBT attendees were encouraged during the Conference to stay at "the table", to continue the process of reconciliation, however painful that process is.  Testimony was offered as to the benefits of perservering and loving, especially when it hurts.  They realize that their loved one may never be reconciled to their sexuality, but then it is incumbent upon them to love them as the Savior loved those around him even when they did not agree with him or injured or crucified Him.

"Embracing the 'And'"

Julie de Acevedo spoke and performed on the last day of the Conference.  In her psychotherapy office, she has placed a large representation that shows a large ampersand, a "&."  She put it there to encourage people to think about themselves being more than just one aspect of their lives.  In other words, a person may identify themselves as LGBT, but then, what else are they, or what else can they be?  People are so much more than just one aspect of their lives, and that we need to embrace that truth.  I found the idea incredibly liberating, and I hope that my LGBT brothers and sisters did as well!

"Love unfeigned"

The keynote speaker on the last day of the Conference is a BYU professor in the Department of Microbiology and Molecular Biology and is a former member of a stake presidency and a former mission president.  He delivered a lecture at BYU in 2010 that cause quite a stir there and at Church Headquarters called "The Evidence for a Biological Origin for Homosexuality,"  It likely was that presentation that led to the Church hierarchy to soften its stance on the idea that homosexuality was a choice.  Since then, he has been involved with researchers at Utah State University collecting data on the attitudes of present and former LDS LGBT persons. 

Among many important concepts, he spoke of the idea of "love unfeigned" taken from an LDS scripture.  He talked of the importance of truly loving ourselves and others, a love born of true caring and concern. He spoke of the hypocrisy and falseness of those who say that they "hate the sin but love the sinner," and how such people rarely truly love the sinner as Christ would; that this was "feigned love." 

For me, perhaps the most poignant moment of the entire weekend, and which to me was a powerful example of "love unfeigned," was something I didn't hear, but I observed.  It was at the conclusion of the "testimony" meeting held on Saturday, a meeting in which a few LGBT persons spoke of the ambiguity of their paths but also of their fondest desires to be associated with the Church and of their desire to follow God.  It was during the final congregational song of the meeting, "The Spirit of God Like a Fire Is Burning."

I noticed that a few rows ahead of me, the Senior Vice President of Affirmation, John Gustav-Wrathall, had both arms encircling the shoulders of the men on either side of him (one being the head of Affirmation from Mexico), and he was enthusiastically singing the song that has special meaning for members of the Church.  That in and of itself was not so exceptional, but what was is the fact of his spirited singing of the special song of the Church that had excommunicated him, that had abandoned him, that had dismissed him, but to which he desperately longs to stay attached.  It is the Church he loves and which is part of who he is as a son of God.  He has love unfeigned for the Church, for those around him, and for himself, embracing his LGBT life and experiencing love as an LGBT son of God.

Listening at a Different Conference

I'm sitting at a computer at a motel in Salt Lake City processing what I have just experienced the past 48 hours through attending the Affirmation Conference.  I will admit to feeling quite overwhelmed by my exposure to so many loving people, and by my exposure to a lifestyle that I know so little about.

In my desire to understand the LDS LGBT (lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender) population. and out of desire to learn more about these people so that I might be able to render much needed and almost unavailable psychotherapeutic help, I decided to attend the Conference. I came not knowing a soul (at least I didn't think I did until I met one mother of a gay in my Stake), but left having made some new acquaintances and friends.  I better understand the challenges that this troubled population faces.  I think I know a little better how to help. Perhaps most importantly, I have greater empathy for these wonderfully loving people.

The purpose of the Conference has been for 20+ years to affirm the faith of the LDS LGBT community in the Church whose members have largely been critical of them.  I learned that Affirmation is a international group offering emotional support to this community regardless of whether they still attend services, have felt unsafe to attend and have stopped attending, or are wondering what course to take.  I learned that many of those that attend have deep emotional attachments to the Church, but more importantly, deep emotional attachments to God.  And although no two paths are the same, many feel peace with who they are and the path on which they find themselves.

I listened intently as different people related their difficult stories.  I listened to a man married for over 20 years with children who divorced, and then came out as gay, and has been out for seven challenging years.  I listened to a Latino young man who felt the need to move from Salt Lake City to a more gay-friendly area (Seattle, Washington).  I listened to a man who marched in the SLC Gay Pride Parade and felt it was one of the most wonderful experiences of his life, especially as he heard the crowd roar and cheer all along the route. I listened to a woman who does not feel safe coming completely out of the closet for the fear of the response from her very active LDS family.

I listened to a man who was kicked out of his home when he came out as gay.  I listened to the love that another man feels for his partner.  I listened to the depressed words of an older man who has been overwhelmed by the rejection of members of his local congregation and some Church leadership.  I listened to a woman who has been blessed with an understanding bishop and stake president and who has been given a calling even though they know of her status.  I listened to a young man from Mexico who has sought to understand scripture in an effort to appreciate more fully God's love for him.  I listened to a person who is transgendered and is trying to find her way away from her male past.

I listened to a woman who tried to fall in love with a man but ultimately couldn't.  I listened to an articulate man who bore strong testimony of the Church that he feels unsafe to attend.  I listened to a transgender person speak about her work at a non-profit civil rights group and who would like to start her own non-profit to help those who follow her incredibly challenging transition from married father to woman.  I listened to a older man that came out a few years ago and who recently lost his job and is striving to maintain a relationship with a boy on a mission but whose daughters have rejected him.

These are just some of the stories that I listened to.  I could go on for much longer.  These people freely shared with non-LGBT people like me because they knew that I would not judge them, that I was safe, that I would be open and accepting of who they are.  I found them to be very appreciative of my safe status as an LGBT Ally.  I am grateful for what I have learned, but more importantly, for what I have felt.  This was an experience never to be forgotten.

Zip-a-Dee-Do-Dah!

            For most of my 60 years, I have tried to be in control of my physical environment.  I am definitely not an adreneline junkie--I am the very opposite of it!  Occasionally, however, I will do something not because I want to, but rather, because I feel it is good for me to put myself either completely out of control, or somewhat out of control.  I sometimes feel the need to really challenge myself, and to my perception, put myself at risk.

This past Labor Day weekend, I decided to do one of these very difficult, nervewracking, uncomfortable activities.  In the past, while on holiday, I have both water and snow skied, been pulled on an inner tube behind a speeding boat, and hiked along some dangerous, steep terrain--all big deals for me.  But what my wife and I did two days ago really challenged me. 

I wanted us to rent a cabin up in the pines this weekend before my wife started teaching at PCC in earnest.  I didn’t want to travel too far, so that eliminated Big Bear Lake and Idyllwild, and there weren’t any cabins at Pine Mountain Club available when I finally decided to rent.  I decided to try Wrightwood, near Mountain High Ski Resort, some 11/2 hours away.  I was able to find a nice cabin there, but then, other than hiking, which we both like to do, what do you do there in the summertime?

You go on multiple zip lines rides, often hundreds of feet from the forest floor from one platform to another at speeds of up to 55 miles an hour!! You cross flimsy rope bridges, also many feet above the trees!!  And you rappel twice down from those lofty zip platforms to another platform or to the ground!!

The zip line after the speed zip!  Still nervewracking, still difficult, still fast!

I felt very anxious as I was strapped onto those cables the very first time.  Even though it was only about 50 feet from start to finish, and not incredibly high from the ground, I felt so nervous.  I didn’t look down; I only looked straight ahead and tried to brake my inertia as I had been instructed.  And I survived!  And after three “training” runs, it was time to graduate to the real zip lines.  The first one was the fastest zip line!  It wasn’t the longest, but the fastest.  I was in line to be first, so I sat down and zipped.  I figured I was flying about 35-40 miles per hour! I couldn't bring myself to look down or around; my eyes were firmly fixed on the platform and eventually the instructor, when he came into view!  I zipped until some 50 feet from the end, as I was supposed to do, when the instructor motioned to me to use one of my gloved hands to begin to brake.  What a rush to fly!

The first rope bridge--I smiled because I lived to make it to the other side!

Walking along the rope bridges also made me feel very uncomfortable.  Again, I did not look down but just looked ahead.  The last rope bridge (I believe there were 5) was the most emotionally difficult for me.  The wood slat/board we walked on was only about 10 inches wide, and while we’re able to hold onto the ropes as we inch our way across, I really felt nervous and out of control.  There was never any possibility of crashing down to the earth (I was told!); you’re connected, but that was of no comfort to me.  I was so glad when I reached the other side!

The grin hides the terror!

Many people have rappelled and it’s probably no big deal for those people.  But it was a big deal for me.  Of course, you control how quickly you descend, but again, I didn’t really feel in control.  I never did look down, just straight ahead, or at the rope that I was holding on to.  I felt a sense of accomplishment when I finally touched the ground or a platform.  

In fact, I felt quite a sense of thrilling accomplishment each time I faced my fear and did a hard activity.

The last thing on the course was the longest zip.  The wind was starting to blow and the zip line went on for about 1500 feet or so.  It was called the DRZ, the Dual Racing Zip, and my wife and I launched at the same time in a race to the end of the line that you couldn't even see from the start platform!  I immediately felt the wind in my face and saw that Ann got a better start and for about ½ of the line, I saw she was ahead of me.  Even though the wind was blowing fairly strongly in my face, my competitiveness got the best of me.  I tucked into what the instructors called the Cannonball position, which I believe cuts down wind resistance and makes you go faster.  About ¾ of the way, I pulled even with her, and then flew (literally) past her and won the race! Interestingly, by now I was able to think about winning the race and not about surviving!  

THE WINNAH!!!

I am proud of myself for accomplishing this difficult thing.  I faced my fears, was briefly out of control (at least in my head), and came off the conqueror.  Woohoo! Yay me!  

Believing in the Process

               

                It has been my experience that change is usually not a one-time event.  Whether it is international, national, organizational, familial or personal, change inevitably occurs over time.  It must be so because one-time events rarely have the powerful effect necessary to produce a course change.

                There are exceptions to my postulate.  When the Japanese bombed Pearl Harbor, the US changed its behavior immediately and declared war because the politicians realized that action needed to be taken quickly.  In the Bible, Paul was visited on the road to Damascus, and that heavenly apparition changed the course of his life from that moment on.  But frankly, such incidents are few and far between.  History is replete with examples of change that occurred over time—sometimes long periods of time.

                Leaving the subject of changes on a macro scale to others with more time and knowledge, I am focusing my thoughts on a micro scale, on changes that occur within individuals, or small groups of individuals, like partners/spouses or families.

                Many persons are content with their lives.  They like where they are physically, emotionally, spiritually, socially, educationally, religiously.  And even though there may be aspects of their lives they wish would change, those desires are really just that--wishes, and not really a deep internal need or feeling to change themselves or their environment.  Change can be challenging, it can be scary, it can be difficult, if for no other reason than that change requires time.  For wishful thinkers, that is too much of a personal investment.

                 Most of the time, people who come to me for psychotherapy are not satisfied with their current situation(s) and, ostensibly, want to change.  Some of the people like me that attend Sunday worship services or recovery meetings are looking to change who they are, although attending such meetings does not mean that someone is honestly looking to effect a change in their lives.  On a personal level, some of my family and friends and I are undertaking the process of attempting to change ourselves, in profound ways.  Thus, much in my life is involved in this process of changing, and so I give it significant thought.

                I have learned that in order for I or someone else to engage in the change process, we have to feel genuine discontentment in what we are, have or do, that whatever challenges that lie ahead are worth the discomfort.  To this end, with certain clients I will occasionally use a couplet I once heard regarding breaking free from addiction.  The couplet reads:

"When the pain of addiction is greater than the pain of recovery, a person will seek for and work on recovery.  But if the pain of recovery is greater than the pain of addiction, a person will stay in their addiction.”

In other words, I have to really dislike who or where I am currently to put myself through the difficult and usually protracted process of change.  And if that change is too daunting, I will continue to live with my current problem(s).  Obviously, this truth pertains to more than just moving past an addiction.

                Also, in order to continue in the process of change, a person needs to believe in the rightness of the journey they are on.  And if that involves a person or persons that are sharing or mentoring that process, they have to believe in them.  This is no easy thing to do for many people, because they may not be sure of the helpful person or their motives, or they have made themselves vulnerable in the past and have been hurt by that person or other persons.  In spiritual matters, a person needs to ultimately believe that God is willing and able to help them in the difficult change process and will not leave them alone.

                The process of change involves being open to people, to possibilities, to direction, to direction changes.  It usually involves reminding ourselves on a regular basis why we are putting ourselves through this.  It usually involves receiving positive feedback from people whom we have allowed to be acquainted with our journey, and to dig deep and give ourselves positive feedback. It involves keeping the goal in mind with our eyes single-mindedly focused on the prize.   It involves humbly admitting when we lose sight of the prize and lose our way, reviewing what happened, learning from it, and then commencing the journey again with new vigor and hope.  (Admittedly, the latter is particularly hard to do alone!)

                It involves being real with ourselves and not allowing ourselves to be caught in the trap articulated in the recent Lego Movie that “everything is awesome!”  It involves realizing the challenging nature of our journey but not being too harsh on ourselves. It involves recognizing and accepting the weariness that we sometimes might feel in our difficult process, and taking care of ourselves by being good to ourselves along the way.  It involves attempting to keep a sense of scope and a sense of humor for our journey.  If we are spiritually minded, it involves “letting go and letting God.”

                I know of what I speak, both clinically and first hand.  I personally am in transition, and it has not been easy.  Currently, I am embarking on preparing to take the test to finally become licensed as a Marriage and Family Therapist, and the thought is indeed daunting for me.  I must continue to do what I tell others they should do. 

As I implement these strategies, I have experienced significant contentment and fulfillment.  I have felt satisfaction and increased faith in myself and my ability to meet and work through difficult challenges.  I have acquired greater understanding and new truths about myself and those around me.  I have developed greater empathy and compassion for my fellow travelers along the way.   I have learned to believe in the process!