I use the term boundary frequently in the recovery work that I do with those with addictive behaviors (most people) and their loved ones whose lives have been affected by those behaviors. It is used to describe an action--setting a boundary--meaning an attempt to set a limit on someone. Often, when this term is used and attempted, the person is saying to someone that he or she can't use us, hurt us, or take what we have, whether those possessions are concrete or abstract. The person has decided to tell someone that they can't abuse them, or otherwise invade or infringe on them in a particular way. The person has decided to no longer allow someone to trample on them.
But boundaries are supposed to be taught by parents, and often parents did not have a sense of boundaries, or built emotional walls instead of boundaries, or had boundaries with holes in them, or did not have consequences that put "teeth" in the boundaries. Likely, their parents may not have had boundaries on their own actions or the actions of those around them. Thus the dysfunction can be multi-generational, and the dysfunction can powerfully distill to the present. Inappropriate generational roles among family members, and inappropriate roles between one's family and other families, can also hurt boundary formation.
Although some people are fortunate enough to emerge into adulthood knowing who they are, and what their rights are and aren't, many emerge into adulthood with damaged, scarred, or non-existent boundaries. Those who saw them modeled learned not to trespass on other people's territories do not now allow others to invade theirs. They have healthy boundaries and a solid sense of self. But for others, boundaries are inconsistent, rarely or never attached to consequences, and are completely off their radar.
Sometimes, people are so overwhelmed in their own territories that they construct thick and high emotional walls to protect themselves from being hurt anymore. The walls usually start to be built in childhood when a child's boundaries and rights are invaded or violated, or they are forced into inappropriate roles with those around them. Children may have weak or non-existent boundaries if they were emotionally or physically neglected or abandoned, or if they weren't nurtured or weren't raised with appropriate discipline and limits. They may not have developed a "self," an identity, or a healthy sense of self-esteem, because it's challenging for a "self" to form in a void. Regardless, these walls serve as a learned coping strategy for adults that represent a sort of castle, not letting anybody get in, but also a prison, not allowing the person to get out.
Abuse, humiliation, or shame by one's caregivers damages boundaries, and the abuse, humiliation, or shame do not necessarily have had to have been in significant or memorable ways. These behaviors can result in significant holes in one's boundaries. As an adult, they are vulnerable to invasion in those areas until they repair and strengthen that part of their border.
If one had to take care of someone who was supposed to be their caregiver, they may believe other people's thoughts, feelings, and problems are their responsibility. If they lived with someone who encouraged them to be overly dependent on him or her, they may not have learned they had a complete sense of their "own-ness." They may have entered into adulthood feeling like they were half of something, and needed another person to be complete.
Controlling people invade territory. They trespass, and think that it's their right to do so. If one lived with someone who tried to control their thoughts, bodies, or feelings, their boundaries may have been damaged. If their rights to their emotions, thoughts, bodies, privacy, and possessions weren't respected, they may not know as adults that they have rights. They may not know others' rights either.
How we connected with our primary caregiver determines how we connect with others as adults. One's boundaries determine how one fits or bonds with those around them. If a person has weak boundaries, they may get lost in another's territory. Relationships can cause fear because a person might feel too vulnerable and fear losing all that they have, including themselves.
People feel most comfortable around people who have healthy boundaries. The saying goes "fences make good neighbors," and such a border engenders comfort. The challenge is to develop healthy boundaries, not too pliable or too rigid. It is important to look at one's "fences" to determine if any pieces or sections of it need repair or replacement, or if an entire part needs to be constructed. It is in one's own best interest to do so, thus the reason for this blog posting.
As healthy boundaries are developed, there evolves an appropriate sense of roles among family members, others, and one's self. Respect for one's self and others is learned, not allowing one's self to be abused or to abuse. With healthy boundaries, one cannot be controlled and will not want to control others. There is a realization that one does not have to take responsibility for others, and a desire to not let others take responsibility for them. Everyone takes responsibility for themselves! If one is rigid, they loosen up a bit. A clear sense of complete self and one's rights is developed. Respect for another's territory as well as one's own is learned through developing the skill to listen to and trust one's self.
Part Two of Boundaries will be published soon in the next blog posting. Some of the ideas presented are original to me, but many are taken from a book written by Melody Beattie, published by Hazelden, called "Beyond Codependency-- And Getting Better All the Time."
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