Because I do a
lot of work with couples in my marriage and family therapy practice, I often
see something known as “Find the Bad Guy.”
It is the dynamic that occurs when both partners are supposedly trying
to protect themselves from the other, but really it is mutual attacking,
accusation or blame. I see this dynamic
repeatedly. My intention is to shine a
light on it by helping people to understand it and to how to escape from
it.
This “dance”
begins when one partner or the other is hurt or feels vulnerable, and one or
both feel out of control. Emotional safety
begins to disappear. The negativity
continues as one or both say anything in an attempt to regain control through
defining the partner in a negative way.
The receiving partner then reacts angrily. Soon one or both feels cornered and actually
are flooded with fear. They perceive that
something hurtful has been done to them, and do not usually see the impact of their
responses on the other. They forget
about what is good in their partnership; they only see that “that you just
stepped on my toes.”
Once this negative
dance pattern occurs over and over again, a partner will come to expect it,
watch for it, and react even quicker in the future when they perceive it is
coming. Subsequently, this reinforces
the pattern. By watching for and
anticipating the perceived hurt, we close off all the ways out of this dead-end
dance. The partners find it hard to
relax with one another, to let down their guard. It becomes harder to emotionally connect with
the other in a positive way. The range
of responses becomes more restricted as the “Find the Bad Guy” dance becomes
more deeply entrenched in their interactions.
When a partner
is attacking or counterattacking, they try to put their feelings aside. After repeated occurrences, positive feelings
get completely lost and the couple itself becomes lost. The relationship becomes more unsatisfying and
unsafe as partners begin viewing the other as uncaring or even defective. Soon this pattern becomes habitual and deeply
rooted, and the dance becomes almost automatic, and starts going in a “circle”:
the more one attacks, the more dangerous
they appear to the other, and the more the other partner watches for the
attack, the harder they hit back. Round
and round they go.
This negative pattern
is caustic and can destroy a marriage.
The only way to stop the dance and to restore safety and trust is to
recognize that no one has to be the villain, to be the bad guy. It doesn’t matter who started the dance or
who is right or which details are true. The
pattern needs to be recognized as “The Bad Guy,” not the couple. The dance is the villain and the partners are
the victims.
If a couple
really wants to say “enough,” they must recognize the pattern. They both must be weary of the bickering and
the drama. They need to:
- · Attempt to stay in the present and focus on what is happening in the “here and now”
- · Attempt to not use past behaviors to justify present perceptions
- · Try to break the pattern of mind-reading, blaming, or assuming motives of the partner
- · Look at the pattern or the dance as a circular dance, fed by criticism and even contempt, realizing that there is no true “start” to a circle
- · Consider the alternative of continuing to do the “Find the Bad Guy” dance
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