Naturally Curly Red Hair

Summer of 2013

Some time toward the end of 2013, I was trying to figure out what I felt about so-called same-sex attraction.  I had blogged a bit about it, decrying hypocrisy that I saw within society generally, and my Church, and deploring the suicides among LGBT LDS youth.  I had begun to admire Mitch Mayne, an openly gay member of the Church in a ward leadership calling. But I was entirely passive about it and decided that it wasn’t good for me to just emotionally stance myself.

I had done psychotherapy with a transgender man, and had been professionally seeing a gay client who is HIV positive (I have blogged about him).  I had also begun having telephone therapy sessions with the son of a dear friend in Utah, and that son is gay.  

It was as if God was bringing these people into my professional life to enable me to see how wonderful and real they were, and to realize that in spite of their sexual orientation, I cared deeply for them.  It was as if God wanted me to experience a change in attitude and in my behavior.

Bishop Robert E. Davis - 2006 to 2009

In spite of these people coming into my life, I had believed the Church’s indoctrination and policies.  I had participated from a managerial level in the Prop 8 “get out the vote” campaign as a bishop assigned to get my congregants to participate.  I had adopted an attitude that it was fine if gays and lesbians had same-sex attraction; they just couldn’t act upon them as any other unmarried person.  It seemed perfectly logical and in keeping with my beliefs about accepting everything that Church leadership (i.e., apostles and prophets) said.

But there was cognitive dissonance in my heart and I felt I needed to explore it and make a decision as to what I really believed, and would embrace going forward.  It was due to that desire that I decided to watch three one-hour-an-a-half interviews by a fellow Mormon named John Dehlin.  He had done hundreds of interviews of various LDS people who had felt challenged by LDS beliefs.  John had posted them at a website called “Mormon Stories Podcast.” (mormonstories.org)

My wife and I have watched a number of seasons of a TV reality show called “So You Think You Can Dance.”  One of the podcasts was an interview with Benji Schwimmer, who had won the competition in the Show’s second season.  We knew that he had reported being gay, and my wife and I were very drawn in to his story because of the Show and because he was LDS.  We were spellbound by it.

He was a returned missionary and had emotionally battled his same-sex attraction for most of his life, even during his mission, and especially during the Show.  He related over and over again that constant conflict that raged within him, between his desires that he couldn’t pray or fast away and the teachings of the Church that forbade acting on homosexual desires.  He discussed the constant shame and guilt he felt, and how it affected his work, his relationships, his life.  He talked about getting into an opposite gender relationship, hoping that it would take his homosexual feelings away, but it didn’t.

Benji Schwimmer

At length, he related how he was participating in a general Sunday worship service (Sacrament Meeting) some time after he had won the competition, when he had a profoundly spiritual experience in which he felt that God truly loved him and accepted him as he was.  He knew in that moment that he could no longer stay a member of the Church—for the turmoil and dissonance that it caused within him—and he testified that as he experienced that thought, he felt a deep, sweeping peace come over him, the most profound spiritual moment of his life.  As he talked about it, I too felt at peace with his decision; that it was fine with God that his path was not in the LDS path, at least for now.  I could accept his decision.

I think something occurred deep within me as I experienced this profoundly moving story of Benji’s.  It was as if it allowed me to question what I had held as spiritually unquestionable my whole life.  It was as if I was not bound anymore by religious ritual or custom or practice.  For Benji, and now for me, what was paramount was not what the Church taught, but what my relationship was/is with Heavenly Father and His Son, Jesus Christ.  To the degree that the Church facilitated my relationship with these Heavenly Beings, I could/would follow its teachings.  But to the degree that Church practice was at variance with what my heart and mind were being told by the Holy Spirit, I would question such practice and do what I felt the Spirit was directing me to do.

It was near the end of the year that I watched John Dehlin give a TED Talk at Utah State University about why he as a straight man is an LGBT Ally; in other words, why he actively supported the LGBT cause.  As I listened to him, I realized that I shared his thoughts and feelings and that I too must become an LGBT Ally.  

I heard this Talk after having read and then posted on this Blog the three articles dealing with varying aspects and challenges of the LGBT community.  Again, it seemed that God was taking me down this unknown path that was important for me to walk.

Near the end of 2013, with my beard 

Once I made that decision, my feelings about the Church seemed to moderate.  I was not automatically accepting what I had heard over Church pulpits.  I was not accepting the Church’s practices and current doctrine concerning homosexuality.  I was seeing how Church policies and procedures had moderated and evolved over time, such as with polygamy, Blacks and the Priesthood, and even masturbation, and I became hopeful that its policies and procedures concerning homosexuality will likewise moderate over time.

On one level, I suppose that I have become more critical of Church leadership, at least on a Stake and General level.  I do not automatically accept what I hear but think about it, and occasionally pray about it, and if it feels right, then I make it mine.  If not, if it feels like opinion and the Spirit does not confirm it to my heart, then I dismiss it.   At times I am disappointed at the institutional Church and the decisions it makes.  Maybe I have become more cynical.

But I still have a strong testimony that the Church, led by fallible men and women, is the Church that God wants me to belong to. I yet have a strong testimony of Joseph Smith, of the Book of Mormon, of the organization of the Church, of power in the priesthood and the importance of temples, of many doctrines of the Church like tithing.  I still believe in the Plan of Salvation.  I am appreciative of all of the service that is done by members around me and around the world, and the good that the instirutional Church does all over the world.

But I feel that I am a different man than I was just six months ago.  Besides being an LGBT Ally, I am not the same member of the Church that I have been all my life.  I’m more open to other people, other ways of thinking, other ideas, other ways to live life, other ways to find happiness. I feel more grace. I feel more contentment than I have ever felt.  I feel more in love with my wife and feel more love for my children and loved ones.  I feel more capable of loving than I have ever felt. 

Which leads me to what I ultimately wanted to say in this blog posting.  For the first 59½ years of my life, I have parted my red hair on the side, and for many years used a comb and then a brush (for the last 25 years, my father’s Fuller Brush) to straighten out my curly hair.  To me, my parted red hair has represented who I have been for most of my life: conservative, predictable, common, conforming.  

In the beginning of 2014, as a manifestation of my newly found life and beliefs, I decided to see what my hair looked like without brushing it. I liked it! I decided to let it be what it is—naturally curly.  It was my way of "coming out." All that I do now is wash it, towel dry it, run my fingers through it, and leave the bathroom to live my life.  Does my red hair always look neat?  No, because I am no longer neat.  To quote Popeye, I am what I am, and now my red hair is what it is: natural and curly!  Kind of like me now!  Truly, RED IN TRANSITION!

Brushing Me with Broad Strokes

Coming to an LDS Temple/Building Near You?

When the State of California was embroiled in the voter battle over passage of Proposition 8 that sought to formally define marriage as between a man and a woman, I found myself being called on/expected as an ecclesiastical leader of a young single adult congregation in the LDS Church to get congregants engaged in getting out the vote and to work on getting a majority of Californians to vote in favor of the Proposition.  It occasioned me to look at it from both theological and humanitarian positions.  After considering who was asking me to do this, and considering consequences, I made the decision to support its passage and I got my young congregants involved.

I was attending school at the time, getting my Master’s Degree in Psychology, and my support was emblazoned on a bumper sticker on my wife’s car. It caused a brouhaha among my classmates who did not know whose car it was.  Many of my classmates were wondering how anybody could possibly support Proposition 8, especially in light of the “open mindedness” that we were learning was essential to become a good therapist.  I listened with interest as different classmates joined in the disparaging conversation, careful not to say that the car with “that” bumper sticker belonged to me.

Really? 

Still embroiled in the push-pull that was Prop 8, the withering onslaught of negativity and reproachful commentary continued online at a discussion website set up to allow students to communicate with one another (this was before Facebook became the medium to facilitate such communication).  I read with increasing indignity as the commentaries poured in one evening.  I got to a point where I could no longer just read the vitriol. 

It seemed to be the height of hypocrisy to read comments from my peers accusing people who supported Prop 8 as being unloving, uncaring, bigoted, etc..  They were usually the least judgmental people I knew and were being trained to be non-judgmental and open minded as psychotherapists.  And while I couldn’t comment specifically as to the character of each of my fellow supporters (I found nearly all to be loving and caring people), I knew who I was.  I knew that I was open minded, that I was caring and loving and non-judgmental (and was going into a profession where those character traits would serve me well), and felt that I was being wrongfully accused.

The Bumper Sticker

I decided to write a post declaring that it was my car that had the bumper sticker on it and that those that knew me well KNEW that I was non-judgmental, caring and loving.  Furthermore, without calling them out for saying/writing what they had, I merely told them that their words had hurt and that not everyone who supported Prop 8 was how they were portraying them.  In my response, I told them that I see people as people—and because of my religious paradigm, as God’s children and equal to me, not choosing to focus on their sexual orientation, gender, race or ethnicity, and that what I had been taught at our school further reinforced that construct for me.

For the record, not longer after I posted my response, I received a thoughtful response honoring me for my beliefs from my faculty advisor and sometime professor, David, who is gay, whom I had come to appreciate and highly regard and who had been very helpful to me in dealing with my struggles as a 50-something student.  I also received a very thoughtful response from my department chair, Deborah, a lesbian, whose partner ironically was raised as a Latter-day Saint.  In a caring way, she likewise honored my beliefs and informed me that because of what I had experienced at the hands of my peers, I could have greater empathy and compassion for those in her LBGT community who had and continue to experience the labels and broad strokes that I had experienced.  That empathy and compassion has helped me as I have taken the opportunity to have therapeutic relationships with that community and with a beloved transgender individual in particular.

An Active Mormon as President?

Fast forwarding to March 2012, I find myself in a somewhat similar circumstance with my conservative views.  In the current sociopolitical landscape, they and my religion are under attack from those who view themselves as being caring, open minded, and unbigoted.  If Mitt Romney becomes the Republican nominee for President of the United States (and it is becoming nearly impossible for that not to happen), I fear that in the coming months my religion and my religious views will be made light of, ridiculed, and besmirched.  If Romney were a Jew or a Muslim, the media would condemn the perpetrator.  But since he is LDS, and since my Church chooses to ignore and not respond to such attacks, those attacks will be fair game.  I would not be surprised to see “anti-Mormon” demonstrations similar to those that took place outside of the LDS Temple grounds in Los Angeles during the Prop 8 debate.

Night View of Los Angeles LDS Temple

Because of these fears and because I have already heard comments made by thoughtless people, I am publicly taking a stand.  Some people are finding or will find teachings, doctrines, and quotes from past and present leaders of the Church, or other material, that they believe entitles them to mock my beliefs, or Romney’s beliefs.  Some will portray him (and by association, me) as being a member of a cult, a member of an organization that represses women in a variety of ways, and a denomination so bigoted that they did not allow black members to hold God’s priesthood until forced to in 1978. 

 Tons of Donated Clothing for a Needy World

Does a cult allow its believers to freely interact with others in society, serve in the military, celebrate all national and religious holidays, and allow its believers to have differing political viewpoints?  Does a cult allow its believers to donate hundreds of thousands of work hours, hundreds of tons of used clothing, and millions of dollars each year to humanitarian projects that are intended for non-believers?  Does a cult allow non-believers to access their genealogical records so that they can do genealogical research to find their ancestors?  Does a cult build and run schools and universities that allow non-believers to attend?  If one is open minded at all and would look past the doctrines and beliefs and focus on the fruits of my religion, that person would have to admit that my Church is not a cult.  Cults don’t bear such fruit.

Relief Society Donating Food in DR Congo

Because members of my Church funded much of the battle to pass Prop 8 and fought against the passage of the ERA Amendment in the 70s, it will be portrayed as quaint, or even worse, as disenfranchising women and treating them as second class citizens within the Church.  What will likely not be portrayed is how the Church sponsors the largest organization for women in the world: the Relief Society, with a membership of over 4 million women in over 100 countries, which I know from personal experience and knowledge seeks to empower and teach women to be all that they can be and which gives them a voice.  There will be few if any words of praise about how women are honored and given respect over the pulpits of the Church, both on local and general Church levels.  You will not likely hear how in the most sacred and important of all rituals and ordinances of the Church performed in that LDS Temple in Los Angeles and in nearly 140 others around the world, women participate equally with men. 

Darius Gray with Merrill Bateman

In the finger pointing that will surely take place about how bigoted my Church is, you will likely not hear the historical context of how the Gentiles were forbidden from hearing Christ’s teachings while He was on the earth, and that it was only after Christ had been crucified and Peter had received a revelation from God that he decided that the Gentiles could finally be taught the Word.  Nor will you likely hear about how the Levite tribe was the ONLY tribe of the Tribes of Israel that could officiate in the rituals of the Priesthood in the Old Testament which along with the New Testament is in our Canon.  Those who ridicule will likely not tell you that certain black members were given the Priesthood in the early days of the Church, nor will they relate statistics of how the Church is growing faster on the African continent than on any other, and that most Blacks who have joined the Church and participate fully in the Priesthood have come to understand that it was God’s will and not formal Church doctrine that denied their race that blessing for a time.  

Black LDS Family

As it has in the past, the Church has maintained its political neutrality and continues to do so, evidenced by a memo from the top leadership of the Church affirming that fact that was recently read over the pulpits of all church congregations in the United States.  How else can you explain the Church “umbrella” under which Republican Mitt Romney and Democrat Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid share its protection?  Members of my Church may lean right in their personal politics and point their judging, labeling fingers at those who do not believe as they do–and I deplore them for doing so exclusively in our auxiliary meetings--but the policy of the Church is of neutrality.

To conclude, if those who may denigrate my beliefs, the doctrines I espouse, and my Church, I would ask you to get to know some members of my faith, to look at the fruits of this religion and belief system, to honor and respect its members who do not share all of the beliefs of the greater Christian world regarding Jesus Christ and the Godhead, to look past the sound bites and really learn about us. 

LDS Members Donating Disaster Clean Up Service 

If I choose to label an individual or group, I take an “I-am-better-than-you” view of them; there is negative pride inside of me.  Labeling gives me permission to distance myself physically and emotionally from that person or group.  It allows me to disengage myself from them.   I don’t have to deal with them because I suppose I know all about them and who they are and what they represent.  It’s emotionally easier than dealing with them.

I'm Trying to Be Like Him

I don’t want people to label me and paint me with unknowing broad strokes.  I am trying to follow the loving and caring example of my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, and my religion and its doctrines and teachings have nurtured those attributes in me.  Engage me.