Passive-Aggressiveness and Me

One of the challenges in my adulthood and in particular to my 34-year marriage to a strong woman has been to transition from being passive-aggressive to more open about my feelings.   My passive-aggressive nature was nurtured in my family of origin where at times my feelings were not honored or appreciated, and sometimes manipulated, and then perpetuated through the years of my adulthood as I would be passive in many of my interactions with Ann.   Passive aggressiveness is composed of two words: passivity and aggression.  Passivity originates when we do not value what we are wanting or feeling and place more value on the wants or feelings of another (usually someone close to us) and as such do not give voice to our wants or feelings.  Aggression manifests when the unexpressed, non-assertive feelings are “set off” by an event, and anger or rage comes out.

In my marriage, I used to feel that Ann was superior to me in many ways and that her truth was, indeed, superior.  Even if I felt that her truth may not be correct, my shame (not valuing who I am) kept me from saying what I wanted or felt.  

The aggressiveness would manifest itself in me with anger that often would be out of proportion to the event that triggered it.  It wasn’t that I would rage; I’m not that kind of person.  But my fuse was short and it didn’t take much to set me off and become angry.  That anger came out at times toward my children, probably because I was in a position of power—a vertical relationship—and as the saying goes, “water runs downhill.”  It ran downhill onto them. That anger has been a source of guilt and shame for me.  It would also occasionally come out in as I drove in traffic.

Complicating matters, I perceived that my religious values taught that anger was not appropriate; that somehow keeping your feelings to yourself was some kind of a virtue.  It was almost a source of pride that I didn't see myself as an angry person—most of the time.

So as an adult married to a strong, assertive woman, with an upbringing of stuffing feelings, and a system of values that I thought valued such behaviors, I was not open about what I felt.  I got to a point where I realized that I had a short fuse.  I got to a point where the scope of my anger would surprise me.  I got to a point where I realized that stuffing feelings was not in my best emotional interest, and that for me to be a better husband and father and a psychotherapist—and be effective in those roles—I needed to be more forthcoming.

Now don’t get me wrong.  Anyone who gets to know me realizes that I do have feelings, and that I often wear my emotions on my sleeve.  I am quick to cry if I am touched by someone or something.  I see myself as being very empathetic, a necessary attribute for a psychotherapist in my opinion.  But the passivity was a blind spot for me.

I have learned that passivity was very damaging for me.  I am learning that I can be assertive and give voice to my feelings without blasting Ann or anybody else out of the water.   I am learning that it is okay to want, to need, to be okay with conflict, to be okay with disagreements.   I am learning that if there is a divergence of opinion on a subject, even delicate subjects, that it is important for me to send an “I message” to the effect of “when you say/do this, it makes me feel ____,” or “I feel strongly that we should ____.”   I am learning that when I do that, I feel freedom, and freedom from shame.

As I have gotten better at doing this, I have noticed more peace and serenity in my life.  I have noticed that I rarely get angry, and when I do, it is okay to feel it and to express it in a forthright but respectful way.  My fuse is much longer these days.  I still wrestle with some strong emotions at times while driving, but I am noticing that more often than not, I am the person who did the wrong action and deserved the toot on the horn.   

I admit to being in transition with this part of me, to being a work in progress.  But I have noticed significant progress and change in my life.  Yay for me!!!