Daniel Zetino, a Grandchild

Three of my children have borne children, totaling six grandchildren.  Five of the six live away from Southern California.  Only Daniel lives here.  Every few weeks his mother brings him from his home in nearby Valencia where he lives with her and an assortment of her extended family to visit "Gee-ma" and "Shum-pa."

By way of explanation, my oldest grandchild, Isaac, who now lives in Washington, originally couldn't say "grandpa" and called me "Mum-pa."  The next oldest, Elizabeth, who now lives in New Jersey, didn't hear "Mum-pa" and started calling me "Pum-pa," by which name I am also known to her siblings, the triplets.  Daniel didn't hear "Pum-pa" or "Mum-pa" but heard "Shum-pa."  It's all very confusing for me because I have to remember who I am with to call myself by my name known to them.  Sometimes it comes out "Grumpummumshum-PA," all slurred together!

At any rate, Daniel is a sweet boy, and it is great to have him spend time with us.  He has historically cried and carried on when his mother drops him off or when we pick him up, and he did so this past weekend.  But hours later, after he mourns the separation from her, he gets into the grandparents routine, and by Sunday afternoon, having had a great time with us, he becomes sheepish about leaving us.  Go figure!

We try to show love to him any way we can.  We do not indulge him, despite occasional protestations, but consistently complement him for good choices, minimize the amount of TV time, watch a movie and eat microwave popcorn, make sure he puts away toys when he is leaving, read bedtime stories to him, and feed him nutritional food (one of his favorites being what he calls "popsicle yogurt" which is Yoplait Orange Creme yogurt with a orangesicle on the label).

A couple of activities we always seem to do which he enjoys is going to the kiddie park which is about 150 yards from our home, and going grocery shopping at the supermarket close to the park.  He enjoys playing in the sand with our beach toys, swinging, climbing, generally having a fun time.  I always get him laughing when, after pushing him in a swing, I will stand in front of him facing away and allow him to gently kick my behind.  I love to hear his laughs.  He also enjoys how "Shum-pa" puts him in the grocery cart and then will tickle him, or push the cart in circles, or pretend to almost crash the cart into displays.

This past weekend, he had a jolly time chasing Suki the cat around the house, attempting to get the cat to play with the dangling teasing toy in his hand.  He also enjoys playing with marbles on the "back-and-forth-marble-ramp" in which the marbles descends with gravity down a switchback path.  This toy has been a favorite of all of the grandchildren, as well as of our kids, since it was made many years ago by Grandpa Paxman.

Doug, his father, and one of the kids that played with the marble thingy, is serving in the US Army.  When Daniel comes to our home, we always make sure that he gets to talk with his Daddy, either just on the phone, or with Skype.  He sometimes gets sad when it is time to say goodbye (read:more separation anxiety), but I know that he loves hearing and sometimes seeing Daddy, and it is one of the highlights for him.

Another thing that he seems to look forward to doing is attending church services on Sunday.  We have bought some awesome sticker books which keep him occupied and which allow us to listen--kind of.  He used to go to nursery afterward where he was showered with attention and care by a wonderful, loving older woman, but this past weekend he started a new class with older kids, and did just great!  It is now part of his routine when he visits "Gee-ma" and "Shum-pa," and he always verifies that we are going to attend services on Sunday.

Because he is the only child in his home, and I have to guess, because it is part of his personality, he does well playing alone. Although he will become bored, he doesn't complain, and will do something else to amuse himself.  Having grown up essentially as essentially an only child myself, I relate to his behavior completely.

He has a calm temperament.  He does things when asked, often immediately, and is never under foot.  He can be very affectionate (I really like the occasional hugs I get), and likes sitting on laps, or next to us on the sofa while watching the movie.  He is simply a pleasure to have with us, and he has taken up residence in my heart!

Suki

Suki lying on my newly bought shirts like she owned them!

The basic premise of this blog has been to discuss transitions in my middle-aged life.  Certainly, during the past few years, I have experienced thoughts and feelings I have never felt before, and have come to hold as truth beliefs I never supposed to have espoused.  Another transition has occurred, an unexpected one to be sure.

Other than a couple of canaries in my home growing up and some occasional little beasties like a rat that our kids had briefly, my homes have been devoid of four-legged creatures for my entire married life.  We decided that our lives might be enriched by having a pet around to keep us company.  Because we're gone Monday through Thursday for about 10 hours a day, and part of the day on Fridays, that schedule seemed more conducive to a cat's temperament than to a dog's (I guess).

To be fair, when we were remodeling our kitchen last year and were meeting with the owner of the company that would eventually produce our custom-made breakfast nook booth, there was a warehouse cat who jumped right up on our laps and commenced purring, sitting there like it belonged to us. The fellows in the warehouse didn't want to give up their cat, so it didn't work out for us.  It was probably only a matter of time before our family of two would become three.

We went to visit the Pasadena SPCA (Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals) a few Saturdays ago to see what we would find. There was a pretty black cat in one of the cages who we later came to find out had been there as a kitten and had been returned there not many days before we got there.  When we put our hands or fingers near the cage, this cat, who had been called "Ozzy," reached out its paw and touched us.  That was all it took.  There was another cat there who had long hair and was a bit younger (this one was about seven months whereas "Ozzy" was about 2 1/2 years old), but hearts had already been won.  Approximately an hour later, we walked out of the place, having spent money for the cat, plus cat food (she can't eat it, it turns out), contraptions to remove loose hair and trim nails, and a laser and a mouse toy (both of which he loves!).

After negotiating between us as to logistical issues, and having renamed this new member of the Davis Family "Suki," we have settled into the accommodation of this black cat who scampers and races around the house and jumps on and off our bed.  He loves looking out of windows. "Suki" is always waiting at our bedroom doors when we wake up in the morning, part "I've been alone and I need a human," and part "you may be able to wait to eat breakfast, but I'm going to meow until you feed me!" 

"Suki" jumps onto my wife's lap routinely, purring like none other, and seems quite enamored of her. On the other hand, similar to an aspect of my fatherly role, I am the designated parent to "play" with the "child," and I don't get much purring.  These days when I try to pet "Suki," he often nips at me, as if to say "you are always pulling that mouse away from me to tease me, and moving that laser out of my reach, so no loves for you, buck-o."  I've tried to convince myself that "Suki" just wants to play, but then I see that look in its eyes....

So "Suki" is the newest Davis.  Our kids, and particularly, Emily, were incredibly surprised by this seemingly random event because our kids never had a "real" pet, but they'll get used to the idea.  I guess that I am getting used as well to this black cat with beautiful eyes.  Maybe some day I will be granted the privilege of petting him.

Conflict Resolution & Overcoming Gridlock

Have you attempted to figure out what is really important to you?  Have you ever taken a look at what is at your core?  Have you considered what really brings you satisfaction and joy?  Have you thought about how what you value affects your relationships?

                Here is an abbreviate d list of what some consider of core importance to them, how they function, what brings them contentment and happiness.  Core issues are often at odds, as the list will show:

·         Having children / Not having children

·         Feeling secure / Living in the moment

·         Spending money / Saving money

·         Routine / Spontaneity

·         Travel and vacations / Being a home body

·         Justice / Mercy

·         Being active / Relaxing

·         Having sex regularly / Having sex rarely

·         Education / Work

·         Religion / Agnosticism

·         Emotional connection / Physical connection

·         Disciplining children / Permissiveness

·         Control / Rebellion against control

·         Connection to extended family / Disassociation from extended family

·         Spending time with others / Spending time alone

·         Motivated by deadlines / Wait until the last minute

·         Openness / Privacy

·         Multi-tasking / Single focus

·         Talking / Listening

·         Physical affection / Doing something for someone

·         Compliments / Stoicism

·         Cleanliness / Doing many things other than cleaning

·         Working with someone / Working alone

What happens when both of you bring your life experiences, your family of origin experiences, your values, your opinions, your personality quirks, and other variables into a conflict?  Neither is right or wrong, correct or incorrect—they just are.  We are who we are in that conflict moment.  This is about your cores.  If that is true, why then must the conflict be the focus?

Some conflicts are perpetual–these are differences that never go away, and which people in relationships always seem to argue about, month after month, year after year, even decade after decade.  The subjects of the majority of conflicts are perpetual problems.  Hairstyles and clothes may change, but the subjects of perpetual arguments do not.  Some may learn to remain satisfied in their relationship, even have a sense of humor about these problems, but most allow the perpetual conflicts about their cores to overwhelm them. 

Other conflicts are resolvable—these are differences that are about a specific dilemma or situation, usually more related to the behavior of the loved one.  Since behavior can be modified or changed, they can be resolved more easily.

What is another way to tell the difference between a perpetual and a resolvable conflict? How can you determine that a problem is perpetual and that you are gridlocked?

·         The conflict makes you feel rejected by your loved one

·         You keep talking about it but make no headway

·         You become entrenched in your positions and are unwilling to budge

·         When you discuss the subject, you end up feeling more frustrated and hurt

·         Your conversations about the problem are devoid of humor, amusement, or affection

·         You feel stuck and each of you  justifies their position during conversations

TAKING THE FOCUS OFF OF THE CONFLICT

               If, in fact, there is no absolute reality—right or wrong—then both realities are subjective, and the focus needs to be taken off of the conflict.   The core issues, discussed above, are really the issue.  They are about who we are, and not so much what we do.  Perpetual conflicts hit closer to home because they are usually about our very selves, and our tendency is to see the problem as an attack on us, not what we’ve done. 

                Why not take the focus off of the conflict (the behavioral component) and onto what our loved ones core issues are (the “who we are” component)?  Why not agree to not be defensive this time but to openly discuss what your own hopes and aspirations are, what is important to each of you?  Why not talk about the feelings behind what is important, what is meaningful, and what motivates each of you? Why not try to empathize with those heartfelt wants and needs , coming out from behind the walls around your heart, and be a bit vulnerable with your loved one?

                The idea is to not talk about the conflict but to talk about what is core to each of you.  The idea is to not judge, not interrupt, not prepare a comeback answer, but to really listen like a good friend would.  The idea is to be honest and clear as you speak your truth. The idea is to help your loved one articulate their truth and to validate what they are saying.  You may not understand it completely, you may not believe that it is achievable, but you can honor what is being said to you.   

                Try to understand the significance the issue has with their core issues.  Try to talk softly and gently.  Try to determine if there is anything you can do to support your loved one and help them achieve what is important for them.  Try to modify your behavior by showing flexibility, and if possible, try to compromise.  Try to understand that despite your best efforts, your loved one may not want to talk or feel safe enough to talk, or the sharing may go sideways and not much will be resolved. This is not a time for drawing quick conclusions, insulting, giving ultimatums, threatening, or name-calling. Those behaviors come from being focused on the conflict.  Truly, empathetic understanding of our loved ones core issues should be the focus.

Building Self-esteem with Personal Boundaries

Boundaries 101

The quickest way to build your self-esteem is to work on your boundaries with the world around you.  This means developing the ability to know yourself apart from those around you.  You can evaluate whether someone is speaking the truth before taking it inside and having feelings about it.

Imagine yourself mentally slowing the conversation down.  As the words come out of your partner's mouth, first pause and then consider their truth.  Are the words true about you, or are they really a personal perspective that says more about how this person sees the world?

The difficult part is that you will discover a seed of truth in most of these discussions.  However, having one part of the sentence or thought reflect truth does not make the whole statement true.  What is true, and what is the other person's "spin?"

Once you've discovered the other person's perspective, notice the emotions you begin to have.  Likely, those feelings come from your own "spin" on the world.  Do you believe that your perspectives are the whole truth of things?  Not likely.  So back down the power of those feelings.  Be responsible for your own perspective.

Good boundaries are meant to protect you from the other person's "stuff" slopping over onto you.  In addition, they are meant to stop your "stuff" from slopping onto them.  It's both protection and containment.  You get to take responsibility for yourself by practicing both.

The Cool Part?

You begin to discover deep down that you actually have a self to esteem.  You're not open to every poke the world sends your way.  And, you are responsible for not sending pokes back out into the world.  Feel some pride!  You're beginning to do a good job of taking care of yourself.

Boundaries 102

You can begin to see that boundaries have a lot to do with being responsible for "self-care."  Self-care includes the food we eat, our exercise, and the time we take for ourselves.  It also involves among other things clothes, medical and dental hygiene, physical hygiene, and emotional care.  Everything that goes into keeping us physically and emotionally healthy has a boundary component.

As adults we are individually responsible to make sure that these needs are well taken care of.  It is not appropriate to expect someone to take care of them for us.  We may need help to get them met, but it is not the other person's responsibility.  It is ours.

If I need a hug, it is my responsibility to ask for one.  My partner may or may not be able to give me one.  It can be delightful if that hug is available.  If it is not, it is still my responsibility to find a way to meet that need.  My care is my job.

The Romance Trap

Don't fall into the "romance trap."  It feels wonderful to have your partner anticipate your needs and to feel like the two of you are "joined at the hip."  But if it continues this way, your feeling of self-worth will start to depend on him or her, not on you.  It's only a matter of time before it gets damaged.  So stay real!

You can enjoy your partner while holding yourself accountable for your self-esteem.  It can be done!  All is takes is attention to a self-responsible perspective.  It's not exactly easy, but what is when it comes to relationships?



From "Building Self-Esteem - Personal Boundaries" by Steve Roberts

Where Were You on February 9, 1964?

On the evening of Sunday, February 9, 1964, I was sitting in front of our black and white television watching the Ed Sullivan Show.  I had specifically wanted to tune in because I wanted to see this new musical group I had been hearing about and had heard on the AM radio stations in Salt Lake City.

The program that night was watched by over 73 million people--men, women and children.  If you think about the population of the US at the time, roughly around 180 million, that meant that approximately 40% of the population watched that show.  Likely, not all 180 million had televisions then, which would probably mean that over half of the population were on hand to watch these four musical twenty-somethings from Liverpool make history.

What was it about the Beatles that caused such interest?  Was it music that at that time was "edgy?"  Was it seeing boys in suits, behaving initially in a rather conservative way as other performers of the time, but with long hair (for the time) and playing music that had only been played in Europe or by black musicians who weren't (and couldn't) be mainstream?  Was it Paul singing a song from "The Music Man' on that fateful night?  Was it their cleverness in interviews?  Musically, was it the marvelous melodies that McCartney and Lennon wrote, often with engaging harmonies?  Was it time for electric guitars and drums to make their evolutionary appearance on the music scene? Was it their British accents when they spoke?  Was the US coming out of the placid 50s and looking for a good time?  Were the children of World War II parents (now we are known as Baby Boomers) wanting something different? 

Whatever it was, the Beatles arguably changed the world--if not the entire world then certainly the musical world.  That night on the Ed Sullivan Show was the beginning of my lifelong love of their music.  I feel sorry for my children and others who were not yet born because you missed out on a singular, incredible experience.

On January 13th, I posted what were my Beatles Top 40 all-time songs.  I really enjoyed doing that, and encourage my readers to celebrate the 50th anniversary of their first appearance on the Ed Sullivan Show by looking at that list.

As a follow up, and my own tribute to that seminal event, I am posting a Top 10 Beatles song list, but songs which have been covered (sung by others) by notable performers.  I always recognize a cover of a Beatles song; some are memorable, others are not.  Here, then, are my most memorable Top 10 Beatles songs, recorded by other musicians:

10.  Rock and Roll Music -- performed by the Beach Boys.  This distinctly US group, sometimes in supposed competition in the 60s with the Beatles as to popularity, covered this in their own style--it is  most unmistakably a beach/surfing vibe.  This was not an original Beatles composition, but written by the amazing Chuck Berry.
9.   Come Together -- performed by Aerosmith.  It sounded quite similar to the original tune, but Steven Tyler sang this Abbey Road song in his own unmistakable, flamboyant way.  
8.   With a Little Help From My Friends -- performed by Joe Cocker. This cover was the music that introduced the TV show "The Wonder Years" and was sung by this Brit who now resides in the Santa Clarita Valley, not far from where I live.  It is quite different from the original.
7.   Taxman  -- performed by Stevie Ray Vaughan.  Like the previous performers on my list, Stevie Ray made this song his very own.  SRV's guitar playing is on display on this cover.  He has been called the white Jimi Hendrix.
6.   Fool on the Hill -- performed by Sergio Mendes and Brasil 66. Mendes gave this his Brazilian flavor, with flourishes that are unmistakably his.  You know it is the Beatles song, but if you didn't know, you would likely say it was a Mendes composition.
5.   Ticket to Ride -- performed by the Carpenters.  Karen's vocal talents are on display along with Richard's subtle orchestrations.  It is sung much like a ballad, not like the Beatles' original, but it tries to keep true to the original.  Very much a favorite of mine growing up.  I was a huge Carpenters fan, and Karen's alto voice is heavenly (not only because she passed away).
4.   Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds -- performed by Elton John.  This well-known cover is a EJ masterpiece, complete with a section played in a reggae style, and with psychedelic flourishes.
3.   In My Life -- performed by Judy Collins.  Arguably better than the Beatles rendition, Judy sings this wonderful love song with just her guitar and her ethereal voice.  This is the Judy of Suite: Judy Blue Eyes fame!
2.   Blackbird -- performed by The King's Singers.  It is sung a'cappella (without instrumentation), and these consummate artists "sing" as if they are instruments behind the haunting melody.  Even though I love Paul's original, I love this one more!   And #1?
1.   Got to Get You Into My Life -- performed by Earth, Wind and Fire. Clearly, EW&F took this tune to another level, making it completely their own, and outdoing the original.  In their funky, syncopated, horn-filled way, they wrote this piece for the soundtrack of what essentially is a "movie cover" of Beatles' songs: "Sgt. Peppers Lonely Heart's Club Band." While the movie left much to be desired--starring the three Bee Gees and Peter Frampton trying to be "Beatlesque"-- this cover was/is fantastic!