HOW TO FORGIVE OTHERS

WHY IS FORGIVENESS HARD?

by Dr. Alex Lickerman, M.D., on February 1, 2010 in Psychology Today

Forgiveness is hard.  But why?  Perhaps for the following reasons:

1. We’re often reluctant to let go of our anger.  One of the main reasons people get angry is to achieve or regain control.  If we still feel harmed in the now—even years after we actually were—we frequently continue to feel angry.  And it’s inherently difficult, if not impossible, to forgive someone with whom we’re still angry.  This is true even if the predominant reason we’re angry isn’t due to frustration at having lost control but in outrage at the injustice committed against us.  But in the same way soft tissue inflammation is helpful only in the first few days after an injury occurs, often causing even more damage than the original injury if it’s allowed to become chronic, anger—no matter what its cause—if allowed to boil without being harnessed to accomplish anything worthwhile, can cause us far more harm than good.
2. We want to satisfy our sense of justice.  Even if we’re not angry, if we believe our offender doesn’t deserve our forgiveness, we may find ourselves withholding it to avoid appearing to condone what they did to us.
3. Forgiveness may feel like letting our offender off the hook without punishment.  Even if we don’t feel that forgiveness implies we condone the injustice committed against us, to release our anger and forgive our offender may feel like letting them get away without being punished, especially if no other punishment is forthcoming.
4. We wish to harm as we’ve been harmed.  An eye for an eye often feels viscerally satisfying (remember, anger must be discharged in a way that feels satisfying).  If we lack the power to deliver actual harm, harboring anger may feel like a second-best option.  Holding a grudge does in a certain sense feel good.
5. They haven’t apologized.  The power of an apology to open the path to forgiveness can’t be overestimated.  Nor can the ability of withholding an apology—of the refusal to acknowledge a wrong was committed—to block it.
6. When someone commits an injustice, we often cease to see or believe they could be capable of any good. We tend to abstract those who harm us, diminishing them from full-fledged human beings into merely “our offenders.”  This enables us to refuse to allow into our conception of them any room for the possibility that they have positive characteristics or have the capability to do good (much in the same way they abstracted our full-fledged humanity into some label that enabled them to harm us in the first place).

WHAT DOES IT MEAN TO FORGIVE?

To my way of thinking, forgiveness involves recognizing that the person who harmed us is more than just the person who harmed us.  He or she is in fact, whether we want to acknowledge it or not, a full-fledged human being whose full dimension isn’t defined by their foolish decision to harm us in some way (as much as we may wish it were).  At its core I believe forgiveness is an acknowledgment that a person who’s harmed us still has the capacity for good.

Forgiveness requires us to view our offender not as malevolent but as confused—so much so that they would actually believe that by harming us they could somehow become happier (though they would almost certainly be incapable of articulating that as the reason).  Secondly, forgiving requires us to let go—of our anger; of our desire to punish or teach a lesson; of our need to harm our harmer; of the notion that by choosing to forgive an offense we’re in some way condoning an unjust action committed against us or committing an injustice ourselves; of the need for an apology; and of the need for our harmer to change.  For in forgiving another their transgression against us, we’re ultimately seeking to free ourselves.  Forgiving, as the saying also goes, doesn’t mean forgetting.  Nor does it have to mean returning the person we’ve forgiven to their former status in our lives.  It means we move on healed from the hurt ! that’s been done to us.

HOW DOES FORGIVING OTHERS BENEFIT US?

1. Forgiving others is the only way to break a cycle of violence (whether physical or otherwise).  As complex as it may be, consider the core reason why the Israeli/Palestinian conflict continues to this day.
2. In order to forgive, we must manifest a life-condition of compassion.  In Nichiren Buddhism this is called the life-condition of the bodhisattva.  A bodhisattva is someone whose most pressing concern lies with the happiness of others.  Attaining this life-condition benefits no one more than it does us, as it is a life-condition of joy.
3. In order to forgive we must let go of our anger.  If we continue to hold onto anger, it often leaks out against others who’ve committed no crime against us, as well as colors all our experiences, often ruining our ability to feel joy in many aspects of life.

FINDING THE COMPASSION TO FORGIVE

In order to muster compassion for one who’s harmed us, we must first believe with our lives that all people originally desire to become happy.  From there we must find a way to realize our offender has simply gone completely awry in their pursuit of their own happiness and pity them as we would a misguided child.  For no matter how sophisticated a person may seem, how confident and wise and successful, how could an intent to harm arise from anything other than a delusion?

The question will naturally arise:  are some people’s crimes so heinous that they don’t merit forgiveness?  Parents who’ve abused us?  Children who’ve rebelled against us?  Spouses who’ve abandoned us?  Friends who’ve betrayed us?  Strangers who harmed us or our loved ones?  Or even tyrants who’ve killed our families?  Is Hitler, for example, forgivable?  Can one forgive a person without forgiving their actions?

I would suggest only this:  that if you find yourself holding onto a grudge against someone who’s grievously harmed you, for you to find a way to forgive them—for you to become the kind of person who can—will not only first and foremost benefit you, but ultimately may have the power to transform the life of the person you’re forgiving.  Not always of course.  But sometimes.  And if it does, in forgiving them you’re not only setting yourself free, you’re actually contributing to something of greater importance, something the world is literally crying out for in more places than you could probably name: 

RESTORING AND REPAIRING

In this posting, I want to briefly discuss a behavior that when used really helps restore relationships, especially with those closest to us.   Not only have I advised clients to consider this, but I have been fairly successful in implementing this behavior in my own relationships.  And while it is initially hard to do—seemingly impossible--when done consistently over a period of time, it yields great results for both individuals.   In a follow-up posting, I will reprint an excellent article I found to help in repairing relationships through forgiveness.

The Emotional Tsunami

When the other person in the relationship does something that upsets us, or says something to us that could be construed as attacking, disrespectful, or does or doesn’t do something that we wanted or didn’t want them to do, our natural response is to experience seemingly overwhelming negative feelings.  We begin to lash out at them verbally or punish them behaviorally.  We emotionally unload on them, often bringing up similar experiences in the past to justify our words and actions. We use qualifiers like “you always” or “you never.”   We feel completely justified in doing so because our perception is that they have been insensitive, or they have been cruel, or they are just plain wrong. 

It should be no surprise that at this point the other person feels “attacked” and becomes defensive.  They feel the need to justify their words or actions, and will likely “counter attack” using similar situations from the past and using strong words and the same qualifiers just used on them.   

Soon, the back and forth escalates and the words and actions become heated, exaggerated, and ugly.   Our faces become distorted and reddened.  We may begin shaking.  At some point, completely exasperated, one or both of the individuals finally breaks down in tears, or punches a hole in a door or wall, or slams the door on the way to their room or out of the home; that is, if the situation has not become violent.   The aftermath is usually miserable and can be full of thoughts of revenge, justifying thoughts and actions, or uncontrollable weeping.  Both people are in a bad place.

Sadly, this sometimes occurs in the presence, or at least in the ear shot, of our children—not to mention other adults who may be in the house, or neighbors.  But all perspective has been lost in the heat of the battle and sensitivity to our surroundings has disappeared.

Not all situations follow this scenario, but some do.  These kinds of interactions can regretfully become routine, with both individuals holding the other responsible for drawing them into the emotional “tornado” vortex.  They become very sensitive to the words or behaviors of the other, looking for something to light their short fuse.  They remember the hurtful feelings, words, and behaviors and will use them against the other person in the future.

Such an all too familiar tsunami scenario had its beginnings with one individual in the relationship feeling upset, attacked, disrespected or misunderstood.   To quote renowned therapist Marcia Ullett, “feelings aren’t facts; they’re just feelings.”  Allowing the feelings can become our default setting and coping mechanism when dealing with special others.  Often, rather than questioning the feeling, we simply surrender to the oncoming wave and let it wash over us.

What I really try to do myself and advise others to do is to “pull back” in the moment when we feel the wave, and not say anything, if only for a very brief period of time.  This “pull back” moment is to temporarily stop the wave from crashing down.  It can be accomplished by physically taking a couple of deep breaths, but mentally or cognitively questioning what is happening.  It can be simply asking ourselves, “does the other person really want to hurt me, based upon their behavior earlier in the day or the week?”  Or “is there something going on in my life or the other’s life right now that is upsetting me or them or putting me or them on edge emotionally?”  Or “is it possible that I have misunderstood or don’t know the whole story?”

Such cognitive pauses in the moment can make a world of difference because we often will realize that the issue may be with us or that we may be making a proverbial mountain out of a mole hill.  The pauses allow us time to just think rather that to just feel.  The pauses help to diffuse potentially emotional land mines that can blast both people to emotional bits.  Such pauses done over time empower us to not be reactionary but to keep the power we would normally surrender to the person who has triggered us.  The pauses send a strong message to the loved one that we are attempting to change, and usually but not necessarily always, allows them to respond in a restorative manner to us.

As stated previously, at first blush this cognitive pause may seem near impossible to do.  But from my personal experience and the experiences of others I’ve worked with, it can be done!  Indeed, it is transformational.  It takes a lot of work and self-awareness, and sometimes failing or falling short of what we would liked to have said or done.   But that is okay.   Successes build on themselves. 

We cannot control others or dictate what they say or do.  But we can control ourselves and dictate what we say or do.  We can keep the power and not give it to another.  And the feeling of not blowing up or emotionally vomiting on our loved one is a fantastic feeling!

Over Hill, Over Dale, He Has Hit the Dusty Trail

Today was definitely a transitional day for me.  My youngest son, Douglas, a 27 year old father of a three-year old boy, and with a bachelor’s degree in Psychology, entered the U.S. Army.  This ends a journey for him that started last summer.  This blog post is to help me process what happened today and its implications for me.

He will likely leave on Thursday for Fort Sill, Oklahoma for his basic training, and then goes to Fort Sam Houston in Texas for training as a medic.  I was informed that with roughly three weeks to go in his medic training, he will be assigned to a post somewhere on the planet.

Douglas has already lived on his own, while attending Cal State University, Long Beach, and then upon graduation, in Santa Clarita.  It was when his employment reduced his hours, and we knew that he was going to enter the Army in January, that we broke our rule after he asked and allowed him to live with us.  He won’t have to worry about housing and meals for quite awhile now, a fact not lost on him or me.  And while living with us had its good times, he didn’t really want to live with us, and frankly, it was often bothersome and even unpleasant to have him in our home.

Living with us did afford me a weekly opportunity to see little Daniel because he spent with his daddy a couple of days each week.  He is a delightful little guy even though he would not allow me to touch him, much less hold him.  He did like to play catch the ball with me—I think he will be a good athlete—because that didn’t involve touching him.  But he squawked when I attempted to touch him.  Early on, he would look away from my gaze, I guess to make me disappear!

Douglas hopes that this new chapter in his life will give his life direction, especially with employment.  He chose to be a medic because 1) he could, having scored very high on an aptitude test, but more importantly, 2) it likely will equip him for his life after the military, assuming he opts out after his four year commitment.  I commend him for his foresight, although he will be going into a field that will exact every ounce of intellect, courage, and determination that he can muster.

So my boy officially launched today.  Sad?  A little.  Hopeful?  Very much so.  I look forward to seeing my young man turn into a full-on man!  Today I officially let go of him, and now trust him to God.

I Want to Sing Again

My Hero, Dr. Ralph Woodward

I sang all through my childhood years in church.  I sang in choirs all through junior high school.  I sang in choirs all through high school.  I sang in choirs all through university. I sang in the Mormon Youth Chorus and in the professional cast of a play.  I sang in an alumni choir after university. I have sung in different choruses and barbershop quartets through the years.  I have sung in or directed church choirs off and on all through my adult life.  I was a member of the Southern California version of the Mormon Tabernacle Choir--the Southern California Mormon Choir.

Singing has been a BIG part of my life.  Frankly, I am a pretty good singer with a decent voice and wide range.  So it has been a shock to my system to not sing professionally since I went back to school to get my Master's Degree in 2007.  My evenings since then have been taken up doing psychotherapy, something that I love doing and am happy to be doing.  This has been my effort to get my 3000 hours of performing psychotherapy.

But now as I near the end of this long interning journey, I am allowing myself to be hopeful that I can once again sing in a choir,  Performances of the Southern California Mormon Choir are usually on weekends, but rehearsals are on Wednesday nights.

I am blogging about this because I just returned from a rehearsal of a multi-congregational church choir, led by the director of the SCMC.  As I sang lustily, I felt melancholy that I have not been able to sing with the SCMC.  I felt a similar melancholy when Ann accompanied me on a rag business trip a few weeks ago to San Diego and we were able to find and participate in a holiday Messiah sing-along, led by a professional conductor and I sang alongside professional singers.

The Southern California Mormon Choir (I'm in the middle of the 3rd row)

Yes, I always sing with my congregation's choir.  But it is not of the professional caliber of the SCMC.  And not that the SCMC is the very best that Southern California has to offer, but it is a known quantity and it's good enough for me.  My hope is that sooner than later in 2013, I can transition back to singing regularly with a professional choir!

Family and Holidays--What a Wonderful Time!

Glendale Americana Christmas Tree

The new 2013 calendars have been hung. The Christmas tree is being recycled.  The ornaments, garlands and knick knacks have been placed in their bins for 11 months, and the stuff briefly stored that graced the house before has been returned to where it was.  Besides the excess weight that we’re trying to lose, all that remains of the Holidays are memories and pictures.  I want to briefly enjoy those memories and to share them---and some pictures---as I reminisce about the Holidays just passed.

Last year, we had the Adam Johnson family during the Holidays.  It was chaotic and exciting to have Emily, Adam, older sister Elizabeth, and the triplets in our home at this special time of year.  This year there was definitely not much chaos, but it was exciting to have our daughter Rebecca, and her son, Isaac unwrapping presents in our living room on Christmas morning.  They were accompanied on Christmas morning by our son Douglas and his son, Daniel.  There is nothing like seeing this holiday through the eyes of a seven year old and almost three year old!

It was fun to have Isaac help decorate the tree, even though most of his ornaments rightfully ended up on the front, bottom half.  We enjoyed listening to the familiar tunes of a Mannheim Steamroller Christmas album as we trimmed the tree.  Ann and I had already placed the knick knacks and seasonal stuff in the living room and elsewhere, and we had saved the fun of the tree for our daughter and grandson.   Uncle Doug lifted Isaac up to allow him to place the star on top, much to the delight of everyone.  It was fun to look at the ornaments that we have accumulated (and continue to accumulate), obtained from places either we or loved ones have been, and lovingly place them on the boughs.  

I enjoyed taking Isaac to see the movie Rise of the Guardians.  We enjoyed taking him to our nearby park where he could climb and run and slide.  It was fun to drive up and down Christmas Tree Lane in Pasadena and see the lights.  We enjoyed drinking Ann’s homemade wassail, eating our traditional Christmas time food of German Pancake, and Reuben sandwiches served with homemade potato salad and baked beans, and munching on the delicious treats Ann made after finishing teaching for the semester.  Besides those calories we are attempting to burn off, we accommodated Rebecca’s yearnings by going to eat at In-N-Out a couple of times.

Claymation Christmas--A Davis Holiday Viewing Tradition!

There were plenty of smiles and laughter as Isaac popped packing bubbles, as we put together a puzzle, ran up the street from the park, took pictures, watched Claymation Christmas (a long-standing Davis tradition) and A Charlie Brown Christmas, and watched Daniel play with this cousin he has never seen before.  There was contentedness, tranquility, and hugs as Ann and I took a breather one evening from the activities to sit on the sofa and listen to the strains of soft Christmas music with only tree lights and candles illuminating the room.  So nice.  So memorable.

We said goodbye to Rebecca and Isaac on the 27^th as they returned to Washington State, but then welcomed travelers from the East the 29^th.  The long-awaited sibling reunion with my brother and sister and their loving spouses from Utah began when they arrived in the area that afternoon.

Ann, Tom and Darlene at the Americana, Before the Movie

Ann cooked up a storm for our guests.  Other than their occasional run to a fast food place for a drink or a bite while at the hotel, they were served all kinds of delicious food in our home.  The women wanted to get recipes from Ann for some of the delicious delights they ate.  It was wonderful afterwards just to sit around the table or put feet up in the living room and talk about our families, our memories, our lives.

The six of us attended Sunday services and asked a friend to take a picture of us dressed in our Sunday duds.  I particularly wanted to make sure that we had a photographic memory of this rare occasion of us being together.  As I remarked to them, it’s pretty amazing that 1) we’re all still alive, and 2) we’re all still married.  I will treasure this photo and make sure it is placed in a prominent place in our hallway of family pictures.

Yours truly, Ann, Janeen, Tom, Darlene, Bill--My Family I love!

Leading up to attending the Rose Parade on Tuesday, we decided on New Year’s Eve day to watch the movie version of the musical Les Miserables, and then went out to dinner (for the first time since their arrival).  Tom and Bill were unable to eat all of their HUGE but delicious chicken pot pies.  We then retired to their hotel where the six of us reminisced more about our upbringings before running out of steam and calling it a night.  I think we were all asleep by 10:30, knowing that we were needing to get started early to attend the Parade.

I sense that we all enjoyed the beauties and pageantry of the Rose Parade.  We didn’t need to spend the cold night outside; we just showed up and took our reserved bleacher seats in the morning.   

The floats were gorgeous.  The marching bands were wonderful.  The horses and costumes were at times breathtaking.  Just beautiful.  The parade experience was enhanced by the fun we had sitting with other Pasadena City College families, and being constantly led in sometimes ridiculous cheers for people in the Parade.  “Yay, pooper scoopers!”   "Happy New Year, Support Vehicle #5!"

Bill even won a door prize as we wore our red PCC ball caps, threw confetti, smiled a lot, and cheered the Davis High Marching Band from Utah, and marveled at all of the beautiful flower-laden floats.  I hope that the Parade experience was as memorable for my family as it was for me.  I am looking forward to attending next year's parade.  It's definitely a special occasion. 

Afterwards, we marched to Ann’s office where once again Ann provided a delicious lunch while waiting for the crowds dispersed.  After returning to our beds to recapture some lost sleep, we went out to dinner one last time in a folksy, comfort food restaurant in Burbank, and then said our fond farewells.

What a memorable holiday it was!  I tried to capture in pictures a fleeting moment or two of these singular experiences.   I tried to live in the moment, to soak it in.  It is the most wonderful time of the year, and to be able to spend it with those I love.