Our Paralleling Journies

May of 2009 was a very momentous month.  My wife was at the very end of her doctoral program and was defending her dissertation.  I had been serving as the bishop of the Young Single Adult ward in Glendale (Glendale 7^th) for three years and two months, and my Stake President took me aside at a gathering and said that he was going to release me from that responsibility.   Towards the end of the month, I rented a cap and gown and walked across the Pasadena Playhouse Auditorium to receive my Masters Degree diploma in Psychology from my school.

My wife had been attending school since 2006 and would be awarded her doctorate the following month.  I did not want to be released from my ecclesiatical responsibility because I loved it and the kids so much, but in the formal exit interview of my bishop calling, I was asked along with my wife to be in charge of the Stake’s Addiction Recovery Program, something that was right in line with what I had been studying at school.  My graduation allowed me to began the process of working in earnest on accumulating 3000 hours of single, couple, and group therapy that would enable me to be licensed as a Marriage and Family Therapist.  Interestingly, all the many hours I spent in the ARP program could not count toward the 3000 hours.

It was about this time when our son, Robert (BJ), was in the throes of his addiction to heroin.  It would be over nine months later when he would finally run out of options and would check himself in to an inpatient rehabilitation program.

 

But in the late spring of 2009, he was not thinking of stopping.  My wife and I were emotionally wrestling with him and with each other as we attempted in the best way we could to deal with the tornado that our son was in our family.

 

I know now that God was very mindful of my wife and me and gave us the blessing of working in the above mentioned ARP.  I witnessed there on a weekly basis, beyond those few with whom I was seeing professionally, the devastating effect that addiction had on people.  My wife led the Group of family members who were dealing with the devastating results of a loved one’s addiction, and it became very therapeutic for her personally to do that work twice a week.  Our ARP responsibility lasted for a few years.

Robert eventually started working the Twelve Steps that we were so involved with, and he began making changes in his life with God’s help.  I continued to accumulate my 3000 hours, learning more and more about addiction and learning important truths about the human experience, and at the same time, about myself.

When unfettered from drugs and from the shame that fueled the drug use, he began to flourish.  He began to see himself in a different way.  He began to see God in a different way.  He began to see life in a different way.  In his work with the Twelve Steps, once he was ready, he began to do a daily Tenth Step, continually taking inventory of his daily life and when he was wrong, promptly admitting it.

One of the most special days of my life was the day when, as the first people to make amends to in keeping with Step Nine, he sought to make amends with his mother and me.  She and I both recall thinking how thorough he was as he recounted so many ways in which he had caused problems for us.

 

He decided to attend a nearby community college, and then after a time, decided along with some fellows at the Beacon House, to follow in the steps of his addiction counselor, Mary Cook, who had been a integral part of his transformation, and take a four semester program to become an Alcohol and Drug Addition Counselor.  He enrolled at California State University, Dominguez Hills.  The leaders at Beacon House asked Robert to begin working with incoming guys, and that provided him with both experience and the hours he needed for his studies as CSUDH.  

I finished my 3000 hours of qualifying therapy work and submitted my hours to the State for approval.  That took way too long—eight months—but everything was in order and I was approved and given the go-ahead to take the licensing exam.   Since it had been five years since I had graduated, I did not feel prepared to take the two-part exam and opted to take a test prep course.  I have written somewhat about doing that in a previous blog posting.

In the meantime, Robert completed his four semesters, studied for his own licensing exam, and then took it and successfully passed it.  This was the first time in his educational career that he had seen coursework and schooling to its completion.  He did not graduate from high school nor community college, although he will likely be graduating from Harbor College in the next 12 months.  He isn’t sure if he is going to attend a university and obtain a bachelors degree. 

So I am scheduled to take my big exam on February 5^th.  I have been studying hard to prepare myself to take the 200 question multiple choice exam.   I am very hopeful that I will pass it, which will then allow me to take a 75 question Vignette Exam (questions about case studies).  I will likely take that test some time the end of February.  I long to get these test behind me so that I can have my life completely back and that I can lose the “I” (Intern) after the MFT initials.

Just a couple of days ago, Robert sent me what you see below.  I am so proud of him!  In the texts between us that day, he wrote that he too looks forward to the day that I can send him notification that I too am now officially licensed!

A Sense of Loss and A Sense of Relief

I am remembering when I went to LAX to send my daughter Emily, son-in-law Adam  and their four kids to return home.  They had come to visit us in California for three weeks. I found myself dealing with a sense of loss as well as a sense of relief.  As I related to others these seemingly conflicting feelings, most have knowingly nodded their heads, especially other grandparents.

My wife and I knew  more or less what was involved when we originally had the idea to invite them.  We knew that having them here was going to be a great opportunity to connect on a personal level with grandchildren with whom we regularly connected on Skype. But we also knew that there would be a six-year old and three four-year olds along with their parents in our little 1400 square foot home.  We also knew that our eldest grandchild would be here for much of the time the New Jersey Johnsons would be here.

We got what we suspected we would get!

Days would start early with the pitter-patter, and sometimes clump clumping, of little feet. I rarely woke up on my own.  I can't really fault them because of their high energy level combined with the fact that California is three hours earlier than New Jersey.  They would wake up in our living room where the four of them slept on the floor in sleeping bags. Their mother would attempt to shush them and encourage them to speak in "indoor voice" to allow "Pumpa and G-ma" to get a little more sleep.  Inevitably, their exuberance would get the best of them, or a sibling would cause the another to cry, and that was all she wrote.

When I wasn't working, I was trying to be with them, serving lunches or snacks, watching or playing with them at one of three nearby parks or in the front yard, going as part of a group to a museum, playing go fish, going with them to see Christmas lights, and just hanging out. When I was at work, my wife took them to the beach, took Emily and Elizabeth to see The Nutcracker, and took the bunch to the parks.

I noticed that the kids were voracious eaters as well as voracious dish and utencil dirtiers. Our dishwasher loads went from one every couple of days to two to three times per day, depending on the meal.  The bill for food went far above what we were accustomed to, but we knew that would happen.  The trash and recycled bins were filled to the top when the garbage trucks came.  

Days would end with the kids going potty and brushing their teeth, being read a Christmas night time story, singing a song, and having family prayer.  It was a production to get the kids into their sleeping bags in the living room and settled down, but once they were down it was oh so very peaceful!  

Christmas was fun.  The kids could not control themselves (age appropriate behavior!) and it was fun to see their eyes lit up and their energy on display.  Poor Suki the cat did not know what was going on!  We filled two large bags with wrapping paper and filled up the recycle bin with boxes and other recyclable stuff.  Lots of excitement!  Lots of fun!  Lots of bows placed by the grandchildren on my forehead, a Davis tradition.

My daughter Rebecca sent her son Isaac to spend time with the New Jersey Johnsons.  It was interesting to watch how he interacted with his younger cousins.  During the time Isaac was with us, Doug's Daniel also spent about 48 hours with his cousins.  I sense that this normally quiet, low energy little boy was completely out of his element and blown away by all of the hubbub and energy of his cousins.  It was a brief period when all six of our grandchildren were under our roof.  Wonderful!

I have specific memories of interacting with each grandchild during their time at our little California home.  I remember talking with Isaac about his spirituality.  I remember watching and cheering on Elizabeth at the McGroarty Park for being able to swing herself from one bar or ring to another.  I remember running around the front yard with Daniel with him trying to catch me to spank me.  I remember talking with Eddie at the kitchen table and at the Children's Science Museum at USC.  I remember playing Go Fish with energetic Lucy.  I remember going down our street with Charlie to pick up trash, a Pumpa-Charlie thing that we started last Christmas in New Jersey.

Once we took Daniel back to his mom's home in Valencia, once we took the Johnson Clan to LAX and put them on a jet back to New Jersey, once we put Isaac on a delayed jet back to Washington, it was deathly silent.  All that was heard was the muted sounds of Mumpa or Pumpa or Shumpa (all my names from the six) and G-ma rattling around the empty home.  All that remains are the memories.  I felt a definite sense of loss but also a sense of relief....

The Year in Review -- 2014

As 2014 comes to a close, I wanted to review this eventful year.  It many memorable events and people, and since this is a blog/journal of my life, it seems appropriate to now look back with words and some pictures:

• One blog became three.  I have successfully launched a second and third blog, although the spiritual one--redashisdisciple--has seen few postings as of late.  But in 2015, I will be keeping a new Book of Mormon journal on this blog.  This blog is mainly for posterity and doesn't get many visits.  The professional one--redmft--has come to be the default blog to which I refer clients.  This blog was created to keep stuff of my personal blog--redintransition--separate from my professional blog, and while some of my writings ends up on both, the professional one does not contain really personal musings.

• Multiple trips to the Huntington.  Since becoming members of this Edenic place, my wife and I spent hours walking about the grounds, seeing exhibits--including the newly expanded Chinese Garden area, and enjoying God's creations.  I always feel exhilirated after visiting this beautiful area.

• Attending BYU Volleyball games here in Southern California.  This was the year that BYU should have won the NCAA tournament.  As it was, they lost in the semi-finals.  It was a big disappointment for me because their star player, Taylor Sander, was a senior.  Oh well.  I was able to attend a game (which BYU lost) at the Pyramid at Long Beach State with my son, BJ. And there is nothing like the adrenaline rush I feel when a BYU player makes a kill!

• Bringing a pet into our home.  My wife felt like it was important for her to own a pet and so we went to the Pasadena SPCA and brought home a young, toilet trained black cat she called Suki.  She can be very contented sitting on my lap.  Her purring is audible.  But she has a habit of biting.  One of the familiar refrains in our home is "no bite!!!"  Suki is a gender-confused cat because we use "she" and "her" pronouns even though Suki is a male.  Maybe that's why she/he bites!

• A new hobby begins: bonsai plants.  I have always wanted to try my hand at bonsai plants.  I have learned a lot through killing four of them.  But I have three thriving--two indoor and one outdoor.  Two of the outdoor plants died during a summer hot spell in which I was out of town and they didn't get watered for five days.  You have to always make sure to sufficiently water them and give them fertilizer.  I'm going to try taking care of more in 2015.

• We celebrated our 36th wedding anniversary on April 22.  Although we kind of kept things modest in terms of expenditures, I was pleased by the response I received from my wife when she viewed a video tribute to her which contained pictures of her, us, and our family through the years, set to Gordon Lightfoot's lovely ballad "Beautiful."  A good friend helped put it together and I am very proud of it.

• A mini-vacation to Central California.  Our friends, the Lees, invited us to tag along with them to Morro Bay to stay at the second home of the 1st Counselor of our Stake whom I know quite well but who had invited the Lees to stay there.  Morro Bay is a community north of San Luis Obispo, which is right on the ocean and is dominated by a huge rock in the bay, Morro Rock.  We explored this picturesque tourist town along with the surrounding communities of Los Osos, Cambria, and San Simeon, the latter being very near the spectacular Randolph Hearst Mansion.  While it was but a short time away, it was very enjoyable.

• My 60th birthday surprise.  My wife completely surprised me by flying us to Utah for about 24 hours to celebrate this birthday with family and friends.  We spent some of the day with my extended family, some of the day driving around the westside of Salt Lake City where I grew up, some of the day at the cemetary to visit my parents' graves, and some of the day at the Cabin with extended family and friends.  It was a fantastic trip and a very thoughtful gift from my bride.

• Coming out on this blog as an LGBT ally.  Those who have followed this blog know to some degree of my journey to reconcile my thoughts and feelings about homosexuality with the LDS Church's doctrine.  On June 1st, I wrote about the culmination of this journey on this blog and announced myself as an LGBT ally.  A number of my extended family and friends, as well as some members of the Glendale 7th Ward over which I presided as bishop from 2006 to 2009, took exception to my coming out, and I guess referred others to read it.  This posting has become my 2nd most read posting with over 500 looks.  I frankly was amazed that it caused such an uproar, and I decided to write a follow up posting to it, incorporating part of what I had written on the redashisdisciple blog earlier.

• The Paxman Family Reunion in Michigan.  What a great time I had with immediate and extended family in and around Rick & Amy Paxman's home in Saline, just outside of Ann Arbor.  We traveled with our grandson Isaac from So Cal who had spent some time with us prior, and met his mother Rebecca and his uncle BJ there.  Emily, Adam, Elizabeth and the Triplets drove from New Jersey, and Ann's sister Jill and her family met us there.  The only ones not in attendance were our son Doug and his boy Daniel, Rick and Amy's son Taylor who was serving an LDS mission in San Diego at the time, and Christopher, Jill and Richard Lin's boy who is serving a mission in Mexico.

          We played disc golf, canoed down the Huron River, attended 4th of July fireworks, swam in 

          lake near the Paxman home, and had a wonderful time hanging out together.  There is talk of 

          another one in a couple of years, perhaps out of the country.  We'll see!

• Another mini-vacation to Wrightwood in California's Angeles National Forest.  In trying to get away before Ann's school year began, I looked for a locale where we could do something fun and exciting.  I decided to build a little vacation around doing a zipline course near the Snow Summit ski resort just outside of Wrightwood.  I blogged about this trip, and the ziplining, which was really a stretch for me.  Besides that scary activity, we went hiking, ate a nice restaurants, and just kicked back for a short time.  The real scary activity was on the way there when I temporarily lost control of the car and sideswiped a guardrail.

• Attending the Affirmation Conference in Salt Lake City.  In an effort to learn more about the LDS LGBT community and to determine my comfort level at being around them, I decided to attend their conference.  I will admit to feeling a little apprehensive when I first arrived, but within a short time felt very much accepted and appreciated.  I saw great love, acceptance, and understanding, not to mention emotional pain from the "struggle."  It really came to me forcefully that these LGBT folks and the allies live with great cognitive dissonance and with ambiguity, realizing that they still want to be associated with an organization that means so much to them but which in its practice rejects them.  

• Doing humanitarian service.   After so many years, I was able to involve my ward in a humanitarian service project.  I was able to combine a food drive for the local chapter of the LA Food Bank (we gathered about 500 lbs.) with the production of 25 blankets for the local chapter of a national non-profit called Project Linus.  It felt good to contribute to the community and to get the Church unit I belong to involved in other than proselyting.

• I went deep sea fishing with my son BJ--again.  After at least 15 years, my son and I took the opportunity to go deep sea fishing.  We had originally gone as a way to connect as father and son, although he was in the beginning stages of his drug use that lasted so many years.  We decided to celebrate his nearly five years of sobriety by again doing something together like we had done.  He caught three and I caught four yellowfin tuna in the 13-15 lb. range, and we each finished with the limit of five each through the contribution of others.  All but one of the tuna were donated to BJ's Beacon House which had a great fish dinner of ceviche.

• Spending the holidays with Emily and Adam and their four children, plus Isaac.  The Adam Johnson family traveled from New Jersey, and Isaac traveled from Washington, to spend the holidays with us here in California.  Besides seeing wonderful Christmas lights, the family went to a couple of museums--including to see the Space Shuttle, spent a day at the beach before it turned cold, and just had a great time together as family.  Just before they fly back to New Jersey and to Washington, our sixth grandchild will be spending time with us.  That means that for a couple of days, we will have all six of our grandchildren in our home!

          I think that 2014 was quite a wonderful year, and I wonder what 2015 will bring!

The Dilemma of Homosexuality and Suicide

Elder Todd Christofferson's gay brother, Tom

Suicide is always a tough subject to talk about, particularly for faith-based folks. Because of the sacredness with which adherents treat human life, they usually believe that God gives life and takes it away, and only He has the right to determine when those events occur.  The idea that someone takes upon themselves the role of God and ends their life is a horrible concept for members to contemplate.

Suicidal ideation can occur when someone has chemical imbalances within their bodies.  Often, it comes as a result of severe depression, borne of feelings of hopelessness and being completely overwhelmed, unable to make sense of what life has dealt.  

I have been trained to listen for such profound negative feelings in my role as a psychotherapist. If someone is contemplating it and has a plan to carry out the act and the means to work the plan, I am legally and ethically mandated to take action to prevent it, and my values demand it.  Luckily, I have not yet been confronted with such a difficult challenge.

There is a chance, however, that I may yet be exposed to such a possibility in the future.  It may come from within the LDS community, and from among the youth of the LDS Church.  Such a possibility might come from a young man or woman who has wrestled mightily with their sexual orientation and desperately tried to reconcile it with LDS doctrine which seemingly proclaims with eternal finality that "God has commanded that the sacred powers of procreation are to be employed only between man and woman, lawfully wedded as husband and wife." (The Family: A Proclamation to the World)

What can I say to such a young person who has wished and prayed that God would take their same gender attraction away, has dated members of the opposite gender to no avail, has gone without partaking of the sacrament (communion) out of feelings of unworthiness, has studies God's word in an attempt to finally feel at peace with God and themselves, and a whole host of other behaviors, and sits in front of me in utter despair? What can I say if they have already attempted suicide?

What can I say to such a young person who has been lectured by rigid, pious, parents and other family members about how sinful they should feel for their feelings?  What can I say to them after they have been lectured to again by ecclesiastical authorities, or been told by them to "just get over it" or "just date a girl/guy and those feelings will go away," and they haven't?  What can I say to them after they have been kicked out of their homes, having been called all kinds of pejorative names, and are being shunned by their own families?  What can I say to them when they have been gossiped about and ultimately shunned by members of their faith congregation who are not adhering to Christ's commandment to "love one another as I have loved you?"

It is said that inferences can often be misleading, but it is hard to ignore some statistics, such as the suicide rate amount men ages 15-24 in the state of Utah--the highest in the United States, and three times the national average.  In 2010, the suicide rate among Utah teens was the 11th highest in the nation, and suicide is the #1 cause of death among teens in the state.  Suicide statistics in the state of Arizona, another state with a significant LDS population, is unusually high among LDS.  It is reported that 40% of homeless teens in Utah are LGBT (gay and lesbian) and even if that percentage could be somewhat inflated, it speaks to a percentage of homeless teens being LDS.

I am pleased that the LDS Church has taken a leading role among Christian churches in calling for understanding and caring toward the LGBT community through the launch of the website called mormonsandgays.org.  It states the current policy of the LDS Church regarding LGBT, but also has realistic and thought-provoking statements and videos from LGBT people and Church leaders.  I am perplexed that Church leadership has failed to inform local Church leadership of this resource. They widely promoted the movie Meet the Mormons with bishops and stake presidents, but there has never been such a push for the mormonsandgays.org website since its inception, a valuable reference which could involve many people within the faith, both LGBT and their families, no small number, who struggle with this issue and with the Church's position.

Meanwhile, young people who do not feel safe coming out to family and friends, particularly friends in faith communities, will continue to attempt to reconcile what they know about their sexuality with the black and white doctrines in those communities.  They will continue to deal with feeling unsafe around people with whom they should feel the safest.  They will continue to pray for miracles in their lives.  They may look for a faith-based therapist who will not encourage them to "get fixed" but will listen with empathy, understanding, and without judgment, and who will help them attempt to live with the cognitive dissonance, the ambiguity of not having all the answers.  If they need someone like that, and they live in the Los Angeles area, I hope they find me.  

If you struggle, or know someone who does, or if you are a family member who feels overwhelmed by a loved one's same-gender attraction, let's talk.  You can contact me at my email account: robertedavismft@gmail.com.

I Am In The Process

For those who may not know, I have completed my 3000 hours of psychotherapy necessary for licensing and those hours have been approved by the State.  This means that I am eligible (and obligated) to take two tests by May 2015 to be licensed.

For those who may not know or have forgotten, I attended graduate school from 2007 to 2009, and graduated in May of 2009, one month before my wife received her educational doctorate from UCLA.  I graduated a few days before I turned 55.

While in graduate school, in my cohort (I was with the same group of students all four semesters) I was the second oldest.  In spite of my advanced age, I did rather well.  Other than one A- and one B+, I got straight As.  I believe that this miracle was due to a loving God, my dedication to my schooling, and the fact that I was serving as a bishop or pastoral figure during that time.  I was blessed.  

But it is now 2014, almost 2015.  Much of what I learned in school has disappeared into my obscure memory brain cells.  In other words, I have forgotten much.  However, some of what I learned has been reinforced in the ensuing years because of using some of those ideas in my work.  

The good news is that I have developed an expertise in dealing with sexual addiction, which was my specialty in graduate school and was the subject of my master's thesis.  The good news is that I have worked for the same entity since 2008, and entity whose major focus is to work with folks with sexually addictive behaviors and with spouses who have been affected by their addictions.  The good news is that I am an important part of their team in the Los Angeles area.  The good news is that because I am 60, people generally think that I know what I am doing! The good news is that I am getting referrals from current or past clients and from LDS bishops.

The bad news is that I have not worked in the public sector where one is exposed to a wider range of people with more serious and diverse psychological issues.  Nearly all of my clients are high functioning.  The bad news is that I am 60 now, and while I am gaining ever increasing experience in my chosen field,  my ability to keep important information needed to pass the tests is "deficient."

Knowing my challenges, I enrolled in an online (and on two occasions, live) courses that help people like me prepare for the exams.  It involves reviewing a "cliff notes" version of information that may be on the tests, and also taking practice tests.  By the way, the first licensing test, which takes four hours and is a 200 question multiple choice test, must be passed before taking the second one.

I am in the middle of extensive studying and test taking.  To be honest, I am struggling. My ability to recall seems somewhat impaired. I sometimes get discouraged, caught up in the here and now and not trusting in the process. (This is a truth that I share with my clients and which I need to continue to remember.)  But I believe that if I put in a lot of effort, God will do his part, and I ultimately will be blessed to pass these tests and become licensed.  (This is also a truth that I share with faith-based clients which I need to continue to remember.)

I made the decision to really cut down on extra-curricular activities during this preparation time, including with church callings and responsibilities.  The latter is being facilitated by my good friend, Kent Lee, who willingly is sharing my burden.  I am being supported greatly by my good wife as well who encourages me and is taking over household duties during this process.  It will be interesting to see how well I balance my time when my New Jersey family arrives in town on December 16th and stays with us until January 6th.

The reality is you may not see much on this blog for a time, although I want to continue writing somehow.  For now, I need all the warm feelings and prayers I can get to help me at this challenging time.

Creating a New Memory with My Boy!

Many years ago, after I had moved my family to Southern California from Utah, my son Robert (BJ) and I decided that we wanted to go deep sea fishing.  I am not a fisherman by any means, but I knew that he wanted to go, and I thought it would be a chance for my son and I to spend time together and connect. (See previous posting for rationale)

As I recall, we caught a few fish; I believe they were a couple of fairly modest sized barracudas and another fish.  I can't recall where we had gone to fish, but I want to say that it was Long Beach.  I remember how sunny it was, and I remember how much I enjoyed spending time with my son.

It was about the time that he was beginning his descent into substance addiction.  For the ensuing years, he and I did not spend much time hanging out and having fun. But that time fishing had special meaning for the both of us.

Now that he has sobriety, and that memory had been so dear to both of us, we decided that we needed to do it again.  Unlike the last time when I financed the excursion, this time he would have full-time employment and money in his pocket, and he would pay for himself.

There was an ulterior motive for us going fishing which we discussed as we were making plans.  Since the climatic phenomenon known as El Nino has warmed the eastern Pacific waters, allowing warm water to extend from Baja California up to Santa Barbara (and it continues to be warm by historical standards), yellowfin tuna fishing has been "hot" all summer and into the fall.  I kept reading and hearing about how fishermen (and women) had been catching their limits, and people in the know were telling people to get fishing before the waters turned colder.

BJ and I decided that if we were to fish and to catch the tuna, we would donate our tuna to the Beacon House.  He informed me that there are guys in the rehab program who are considering careers as chefs, and that not only would filleting and preparing the tuna be a great activity for them, but that these future chefs could prepare a delicious meal or two of freshly caught tuna for the Beacon House guys and staff.

After a false start about a month ago (that's a sour memory), we got to the boat by 6:00 am, and along with 21 other hopeful people, we headed south out of San Diego.  We were with some real, hardcore fishermen (and one woman), but there were also some greenhorns like us. 

We would bide our time and wait until the captain of the boat literally yelled over the loud speaker that there was a school of yellowfin tuna below us and to "get those lines in the water."  We would grab our poles, run to the bait receptacle toward the rear of the boat, be frustrated but finally grab a live 4-5 inch bait fish and put it on the hook, run to a location along the starboard or port or back, let the 6 or 8 ounce sinker take the line to the bottom (verying depths depending on where we were), and the bait would wiggle about a yard up from the bottom.  Some hardcore types would sometimes use lures. 

Usually within two minutes, you would either get a bite or you would reel it up, throw the old bait into the water, grab (or waste valuable seconds trying to grab!) a new one and hook it, and then quickly repeat the action.

Everybody was catching them from the very start!  I caught my first one the third or fourth time I baited!  It was a nice sized one, perhaps 15 lbs.  Some short time later, BJ caught his first one.  It was so exciting; everyone was clearly enjoying this good luck! 

But I would question that anybody was feeling the deep felt satisfaction that I was feeling in spending time with my boy, and being able to provide fishes (not loaves) for the Beacon House guys.

The limit for yellowfin tuna in Mexican waters is five.  BJ caught three and I caught four, but our bags were filled with additional tuna by other generous fishermen to get us to our limit of five, by noon!  My left arm would get tired as I wrestled with the tuna to get them up to the surface, but I recall only losing one.

But I didn't lose the "one" that I was fishing with!  My son BJ is clean and sober, and he was very happy to be able to provide work and food for his guys at the House.  Ironically, he is now vegan and will not be able to eat what he caught.  I love my boy!

There we are on the top left!

Depression Doing the Thinking

It has been estimated that we have in the range of 25,000 to 50,000 thoughts a day.  If they are predominately negative, imagine how many negative thoughts you generate daily--thousands upon thousands.  That is the case with depression.

One of the features of depression is pessimistic thinking.  The negative thinking is actually the depression speaking.  It is what depression sounds like.  Depression, in fact, manifests in negative thinking before it creates negative affect.

Most depressed people are not aware that the despair and hopelessness they feel are flowing from their negative thoughts.  Thoughts are mistakenly seen as privileged, occupying a rarified territory, immune to being affected by mood and feelings, and therefore representing some immutable truth.  But feelings are not facts, they are just feelings.

Compounding the issue is that negative thinking slips into the brain under the radar of conscious awareness and becomes habitual.  People come to generate negative thoughts so automatically they are unaware that they are happening, and that most of the time it is actually a choice they are making.

One of the most powerful actions that can be taken to combat depression is to understand how critical the quality of your thinking is in maintaining, and even instensifying your depression--and that the quickest way to change how you feel is to change how you think.

Often enough you can't control how you feel, but you can almost always control how you think.  Thought-processing errors contribute so much to depressed mood.

It is possible to take action and to change patterns of thinking on your own, without necessarily turning to anti-depression medications.  Following are six action strategies that will bring results in breaking out of the negative thought patterns that maintain depression.

• Know that is possible to control the quality of your thinking.  Controlling the quality of your thoughts contributes more to how you feel than any other factor.  It is a rather widespread belief that you have to change your feelings in order to change how you think; it actually works just the opposite way.
• Keep track of how many negative thoughts you are actually having.  This is most easily accomplished by keeping a "thought journal."  You write down as many instances of negative thinking at the end of the day as you can remember. Write down names you call yourself, when you label yourself as worthless or helpless or hopeless.  Keep track of generalizations you make in which you take a singular bad event and project in onto the future.  Write down instances when you use terms like never or always, or when you think black and white thoughts.  It helps to ask a loved one or a trusted colleague to point out to you instances of negative thinking, and then record them.
• After getting an idea of the negative thinking and its frequency, identify the situations that trigger wuch thinking.  Writing them down helps you to focus and to be aware of your triggers.  Often,  certain types of events are particularly likely to set off a chain of negative thoughts, such as a perception of being ignored or not responded to, or a negative remark or an actual setback at work. 
• Practice converting negative to postive thinking.  Some people like to think of it as "flipping a switch."  Think of a light switch, and mentally switch it from the down position to the up--to the "light."
• Utilize a partnership strategy.  Tell your partner or trusted colleague that you think you are sounding too pessimistic in your thinking and that you want to be more optimistic.  Ask them to help you out be gently cueing you when you are sounding negative, and then asking you to instantly convert it to a positive statment.
• In keeping your diary of negative thinking, create a separate column for writing the corresponding positive thought.  "I'm too old" vs "I'm getting better and wiser with age."  If you do this for a few days, you will get the hang of converting negative to positive thinking.

              By Hara Estroff Marano, published on July 01, 2001, and edited, with original thoughts, by Robert E. Davis.

Doing the Uncomfortable Thing

If this photo makes you feel ill at ease, it does me also!  (This isn't my son.)

What would you do if you found needles for drug use in your son’s room, a son who had a history of drug use?

To further complicate matters, what would you do in that situation if you (and your wife) had established a rule that absolutely no alcohol or drugs were to be found or used in the home, and that the violator could no longer live in the home?

This was not theoretical; it was my awful reality.  It was my circumstance some five years ago with my son Robert.  I had to make a huge final decision that would not only significantly impact him, but my other children, my wife, and me.

Robert had started smoking dope during junior high years.  Before he was 18, my wife and I had sent him out of state for over six months to a place for self-destructive boys.  He continued his drug use and graduated to sniffing or huffing, then to taking hallucinogens, and then experimenting with other drugs.  At the time I discovered the needles, he was shooting up heroin.  He attended an outpatient rehab program, and then went into another inpatient rehab program for a couple of months in his mid-20s, but he was still acting out of the shame he felt, and needing the drugs to dull the pain.  

I had found out that he had stolen and sold some of my school books and precious coins and bills, and had taken some blank checks and had written them to himself (because his name is also Robert) to get drug money.  And that is all that I know that he took from us; there's probably more.  He had caused my marriage to suffer as my wife and I wrestled with differing objectives as to how to deal with him and his drug use.  He was manipulating us to play on our fears and emotions.  His drug use had become the center of our family dynamic.

So here I was confronted with implementing a consequence for his behavior, a behavior that was clearly in violation of a rule my wife and I had agreed upon.  In that crucible moment, I had to decide whether to do the easier thing and what would have made me feel better and feel more compassionate, or whether to do the difficult, uncomfortable thing that in the end would be the best for him.

I realized the implications of following through with the consequence.  He was my son.  He even had my name.  I would not know where he would be spending that night, or other nights.  I would not know how he would survive financially.  I would be turning him out onto the mean streets of LA. 

Surely I saw myself as kind and gentle.  Surely I needed to protect him from those unknowns.  Surely I needed to feel that I was a good father and taking care of my son.  Surely I could feel good about being merciful by telling him that his behavior was unacceptable and would not be tolerated, and allow him to stay.  Surely I didn’t want to be seen as hard-hearted.

But that would have made it more about me and what’s best for me, and not about him and what ultimately was best for him.

What would be best for him, and would make me uncomfortable, was to follow through with the consequence.  He needed to experience the consequence of his choice.  I hadn’t made a poor choice; he had.  What was best for him (and what I didn’t know at the time) was to experience those mean streets of LA in order to know that he definitely didn’t want to be there.  What was best for him was for me to focus on him and not on me.

So what did I finally do?  I faced my fears.  I faced the knot in my stomach.  I did what made me uncomfortable.  I did what ultimately was best for him.  Despite his protestations, I stood firm and said he had to leave and that he had to leave right then.

I will never forget how difficult it was to see him walk up those stairs and onto the street.  

I will never forget how my heart ached; how bad I felt.  

I will never forget the uncertainty of that moment.  

But I will never forget the difficult decision I made that terrible day to do what would ultimately lead him to seek help for his addiction.

My therapist at that period of time stated a truth that I embraced in that crucible event and have ultimately embraced in my life since then.  She said as a couplet on multiple occasions, “If some action makes you feel comfortable, you probably ought not to do it.  And if the action makes you feel uncomfortable, you probably ought to do it.”

As I have been delighted to document in this blog on previous occasions, Robert continues to stay clean and sober.  He will soon become a licensed Drug and Alcohol Rehabilitation Counselor, having completed the coursework.  He is on the staff of the Beacon House inpatient rehabilitation program, with full-time work and benefits.  He recently moved out of the Beacon House and into an apartment which he is furnishing largely by himself.  He possesses emotional maturity, understands the nature and importance of accountability, and understands what he can and can’t do in his recovery.

I wonder what would have happened if I had not done the difficult, uncomfortable, best thing for him that terrible day….  

My son Robert with his oldest sister, Rebecca, this past summer!

A Long Time Ago

I can remember it clearly even though it happened over 50 years ago. Memories that endure are usually those that have some emotional aspect to them.  For that reason, this episode from my childhood must have profoundly impacted me and has stayed with me all of these years.

It occurred in the front yard of the home in which I grew up in Salt Lake City.  It must have been fall because the grass was still green and I was playing with a football.  To be clear, I was playing football with myself; throwing the ball into the air and then catching it, like a quarterback throwing to a receiver.  I likely was pretending that I was Roy Jefferson, Ray Groth, Speedy Thomas, or some other University of Utah football player of that era.

My father had four season tickets for many years to U of U home football games that he or his company paid for.  He would give two of them away to different valuable customers, and would keep two for himself.  I guess Mom wasn't interested in going because she never did. 

I guess this was a way to do something five times a year with me.  He and I would sit eight rows up on about the 49 yard line, eating pistachios given us from the cigar-smoking fellow in front of us on the seventh row, on brisk autumn afternoons, and cheer for the Utes.

But on this afternoon, I was playing football with myself.  My siblings Tom and Darlene had long since married and were living elsewhere.  There were a few guys in the neighborhood that I would occasionally play with, but most of my free time outside of school and church was spent alone.  That was my reality.  It was just the way things were and I didn't know it could be any different.

That day, I asked my Dad if he could play catch with me.  I don't remember any reason that he gave, only that he said no.  Why not?

I had a baseball glove growing up and usually had a softball.  I remember throwing the ball onto roofs and catching it as it fell, kind of a fly ball.  It was a way of playing catch with myself as I played alone.  I remember, less clearly, asking Dad on numerous occasions to play catch with me, but I never recall us doing that.  Perhaps I don't remember those occasions as well because they were absent the emotional impact of that football day. Perhaps it is because of a lowered expectation that he would actually play catch with me.

I remember being taken to Rancho Bowling Alley as an eight-year old by him.  I remember how proud I was that I bowled a 56.  That was in a day where there were no gutter bumpers to keep the ball in play.  I was so young.  But even though he bowled weekly in a league, that was the only time we went bowling together. 

Other than the football games and the Saturday morning bowling trip, and occasionally visiting older people in the capacity of LDS home teaching companions, I don't recall us doing things together, a father and his boy.

To be fair, my Dad was one of eight children.  The stories told by my mother and my siblings of my grandparents usually dealt with what a mean, bitter man his father was, how his father showed favoritism for other siblings, how his father abused his wife--my grandmother who my father adored, and how his father would beat him with the "coal shovel."   

Also, because smoking was disobeying a commandment of the LDS Church, he felt shame for his habit and sought to keep his cigarette use hidden and in secret.  I have wondered if that was a determining factor in why he didn't do things with me, like go fishing or be taken on a business trip.  But I have also wondered if there was something about me....

I also realize that for his generation, parenting was something usually done by the mother and that there was not such a societal or Church focus for fathers to be engaged with their children.  

But I have wondered if all of these reasons are merely excuses for a Dad who didn't want to interact with his son who desperately needed to be attached to him.  I have wondered if he was incapable of really loving, or was I not worthy of his love.

Through my own work being in therapy, and now sitting in the therapist chair, helping others with their family of origin issues, I have realized just how this lack of connection, this abandonment, affects them in many ways, and has affected me as an adult.  When I talk with clients about their abandonment issues and how they manifest in certain dysfunctions in their relationships, I realize how close to home that is for me.  

I have wondered if I had been fathered differently if I would have been a better father to my two boys.  And I wonder how my boys will be as fathers to their boys.

And so here I am, a 60-year old, understanding where many of my abandonment feelings originated, yet wistful about my upbringing by my father.  I have mourned the feelings of not having a father who loved and cherished me. I have wept over that loss and how nothing can be done to change the past.  I have surrendered my past to God knowing that this abandonment was part of my journey and was an important factor in becoming the sensitive, caring, empathetic person that I believe I am today.  But the memory of that fall afternoon so long ago still hurts.  

The Level of Our Dysfunction

There are many books and articles that deal with couple relationships.  Oodles of them!  I certainly haven't read them all, but of the many that I've read, I have not found as of yet a sentiment or phrase that mirrors what I came up with long ago as a new intern.  I find it surprising to not have read it.  It seems to be so self-evident.  I would think that anyone who deals with dyadic, partner relationships on a regular basis would have come to the following conclusion, and written:

Couples find a partner to the level of their dysfunction (or function)

What does that mean?  It means that in nearly all cases, whatever unresolved dysfunction we bring to a relationship as a result of our upbringing or early experiences will cause us to couple up with someone who is as dysfunctional as we are.  Another way of stating it would be:  if I bring negative stuff, issues, @#$%!, to a romantic relationship, my partner will have likely have as much stuff, issues, and @#$%! as I do.  The dysfunctions may not be identical, although in many cases they are (at their core), but we can only attract to us what we are.

Looking at it yet another way, if I am having issues with my partner--the negative baggage they have brought and it is negatively affecting the relationship, chances are that you have either the same issues (at their core) or similar issues as they have.

This concept I consistently find in my work with couples may be difficult to swallow, but if you think about it logically, it can begin to make a lot of sense. 

Let's assume for a moment that our dysfunction/function could be put on a scale of 0 to 5, and 0 is emotionally REALLY messed up, and 5 is emotional REALLY functional and healthy.  If I enter into a relationship at a 2.5, for instance, will someone who is a 4 or more really want to be with me for any period of time?  When the honeymoon phase is past and we begin to see each others' dysfunctional "issues," the "4" will not be tolerant of the "2.5," and the "2.5" will accuse the "4" of thinking that they're perfect.  The relationship will not last long.  

Instead, we unconsciously find comfort connecting with someone who is "like me," who "gets me" or who "connects with me."  Someone who is like you, gets you, and connects with you, will have similar issues and/or as many issues as you do.  It can only be that way!

This premise is also true with our level of function.  If we had the great blessing (luck) of being raised in a somewhat positive, affirming, healthy family, we will likely attract a similarly functioning person. Or to use our scale above, the "4" will likely attract a "3.5" (maybe) or a "4" (probably) or a "4.5." (probably not)

The couples that sit in front of me in therapy are not usually a pair of 4s.  Such a pair would likely not have issues that require psychotherapy.  Instead, I see anywhere from 1 to 3s, in my opinion.  I am happy that they are sitting in front of me because they see themselves as less than what they want to be and are seeking help.

But what I usually see is one partner pointing the finger at the other and expecting them to do the changing; as if their partner is really the dysfunctional one.  And while the accusing partner may want to project a facade of owning part of the problem by admitting that "I'm not perfect," they really do believe that the accused partner IS the problem.  Using my 0-5 scale, the accusing partner really sees him or herself as a "4" and their partner  as a "1" or a "2," if not a "0."  

If my hypothesis is correct, however, then the accusing partner IS part of the problem, likely a significant part, and needs to look at him or herself.  It requires looking at the underlying, core reasons for the problem that exists between partners, and coming to understand and accept one's own dysfunctions.  It often requires looking at one's family of origin and what dynamics were in play during formative years, and how stressful situations were dealt with (or not.)

The good news is that if one partner accepts personal responsibility and works on him or herself, and begins to take steps toward recovery or being in a better psychological place, the other partner will likely feel the need to take their own steps toward recovery or being in a better place.  Or they will run away screaming.  And they will run away screaming because the improving partner is evolving from a "3" to a "3.5" and that will make the "3" uncomfortable.

Taking personal responsibility in a relationship is challenging.  It is much easier to point a finger.  It is much easier to stay stuck (it's the devil you know!)  Working on yourself takes time.  It is a process, but a process that ultimately is worth the trouble.  

There are no guarantees that partnerships will last.  Sometimes the dysfunctions are too great.  Sometimes couples ultimately find out consciously or subconsciously that they are out of sync, as I have discussed above.  But if the partnership does not last, each will take their dysfunctions to the next relationship and will again find someone who is a dysfunctional as they are.  Why not work on one's self, so that if the partnership does not work, the person will be emotionally healthier for the next relationship, and will likely attract someone equally healthy?

I observe some great partnerships.  While they likely have very different personalities, both persons are emotionally healthy, are mindful of the other, are unselfish, and are working on making their partnership work.  It is as if there are three entities in the process: the two partners AND the partnership.  Emotionally healthy couples work on the partnership as they work on themselves because of their deep emotional connection.  They respect one another.  They talk things out.  They are not easily offended. They would never do anything to deliberately hurt the other.  They are of one mind and one heart.

They are undoubtedly similar in their function; it couldn't be otherwise.

  

A Bait and Switch in Marriage?

"What happened to my wife? She used to be so affectionate before marriage! "This expression is often heard from husbands who wonder how their marital relationship could turn out so differently than they expected. One husband shared his experience as follows:

“Before we were married my wife was very into the idea of being intimate and was looking forward to it. You could tell that her drive was high. But after we got married -- like very shortly afterwards -- her drive disappeared. She swears that it's not me or my performance, but that it's just her. She says she just doesn't know what to do about it, and wants her sex drive to kick in again much like her desire to be a mother kicked in again after we had our first child.”

Another husband wrote:

I’ve been gypped. She pulled a bait and switch on me. My wife was so affectionate before marriage. Now she won’t even let me touch her. Our lovemaking happens only occasionally, and it’s very empty emotionally. Her body is there, but her heart isn’t. I feel deprived and neglected. I’m an easy-going guy, but my wife makes me feel like a sex maniac. I don’t know what’s wrong. It’s like she’s turned stone cold. I feel like I’m walking on eggshells all the time and I never seem to get my needs met. Surely this isn’t how marriage is supposed to be. I always dreamed that intimate relations would be part of a healthy and happy marriage.

Marriage is a Surprise Grab Bag

It's true that marriage is a surprise grab bag. You can never really know what you’re going to get. Marriage, like life, is an adventure that has inevitable surprises, delights and some curve balls too.

This so-called "bait and switch" happens on both sides of the marriage relationship. He may feel gypped about the intimate or sexual aspects of marriage, but a wife may feel gypped about the disappearance of time, attention and non-sexual affection she used to get from her husband prior to marriage.

Specifically speaking of what often happens with women and this bait and switch in marriage, here are fivespecific areas for couples to address to shift their relationship: (1) Attention, (2) Affection, (3) Anticipation, (4) Reality, and (5) Education.

1. Attention. The time and attention a woman receives from her “boyfriend” prior to marriage really feeds her loving feelings, which makes her feel close and connected emotionally to her husband.

That emotional connection provides emotional foreplay that allows her to feel sexually attracted to her husband. When after marriage that time and attention diminishes, it is harder for a woman to feel as emotionally connected, which increases the difficulty of her having romantic feelings towards her spouse.

2. Affection. As a marriage and sex therapist, I hear it over and over (especially from wives) that once sex enters the marital relationship then affection seems to be kicked out the back door.

Affection--without strings attached--is so important in a relationship not only for women, but also for men. Both husbands and wives often find themselves “touch” deprived in marriage because they overlook the need to enjoy non-sexual touch and affection as a pleasure in its own right.

Showing the importance of affection to women, columnist Ann Landers asked women “would you be content to be held close and treated tenderly, and forget about the sex act?” More than 90,000 women responded and said "Yes!" Think about that. You can see how important the emotional and non-sexual niceties in marriage are to a woman.

So, men, keep up on the affection in marriage--especially without it leading to something else! This can help you both not only feel close and connected, but can also help women be more willing and able to move from physical and emotional closeness to sexual connection.

3. Anticipation. In marriage a woman’s sexual fire is fueled as much or more by the anticipation or build up of sexual excitement as the main event itself. Anticipation is a key component of a wife’s sexual wiring.

Prior to marriage women get to bask in the anticipation of sexual intimacy and those pre-sexual intimate feelings knowing that it can’t or won’t go any further.

So, in marriage when a couple can follow through on the physical act of lovemaking, and yet the emotional fuel has diminished, you can see how a husband might interpret the difference as a bait and switch in marriage.

4. Reality. When the realities of life begin to set in marriage it can have a dramatic effect on the intimate relationship. The anesthesia of premarital bliss tends to wear off a bit when there are bills to pay, dishes to do, and babies to tend to.

Those inevitable stressors of family life tend to increase the need for sexual intimacy in men, since lovemaking is a natural stress reliever.

But for women these stressors tend to dampen their desire for sexual intimacy, given that women often need to feel relaxed before they can tune into their desire for sexual connecting.

So, with new babies and the demands of little ones, the reality of sleep deprivation may be one of the leading culprits for young moms when it comes to diminished sexual feelings toward their spouse.

5. Education. The overriding issue for a lot of women in a bait and switch situation is that they are often unaware of what lovemaking and their God-given sexuality is really all about.

Given that there is so little positive affirmation of sex and sexuality (and so much negative) even within marriage, many wives have simply not identified themselves as sexual beings nor embraced their sexuality as good and of God.

This is where many couples will need the help of good books, like And They Were Not Ashamed--Strengthening Marriage through Sexual Fulfillment, or even a good counselor that is versed in the intricacies of intimacy to help them see where they may be having some difficulties.

What To Do

While some may expect a wife's desire to just show up like one's mothering instincts, it's important to remember that a mutually fulfilling sexual relationship is a learned behavior for couples--grounded upon healthy understanding and healthy attitudes regarding male and female sexual wiring, as well as one’s own sexuality.

The key for those who may be facing a bait and switch situation in marriage is to talk with their spouse about these five issues and see where they may need to make some adjustments. These are just a few of the key issues that may be at play in this marital scenario.

This is an article written by Laura M. Brotherson and published in Meridian Magazine on March 27, 2012.