Central California Coast Mini Vacation - 2

I just could not stop taking pictures at Spooners Cove--so full of unusual geologic formations and crashing waves.

Can you see the five birds just above the water's horizon?

We were able to stay in the home at Morro Bay courtesy of our friends, the Lees.  Here is Kent standing on the uneven, rutted, rock surface.  He had no problems negotiating rocks, and even climbed up on one of them and thought of jumping.

Jump, Kent, jump!

North of Morro Bay and north of Cambria, a lovely town where we ate at the Black Cat Bistro and shopped, and just north of San Simeon, is a beach known as the Piedras Blancas Lighthouse Rookery.  It is the birthing place, rest stop, mating area, and molting place of literally thousands of elephant seals.  These seals are not adorable ones; in fact, they are the largest, and arguably the ugliest seals of the species, and the males are known by their long snouts--thus the name.  The lower picture shows a female cooling herself off by tossing sand on herself.  They were on the beach this day resting and molting.

Near the town of San Simeon is the spectacular set of buildings known as Hearst Castle.  The publsihing magnate of the early 20th century called this his "ranch", and called the hill on which it sits the Cuesta Encantada, or Enchanted Hill.  Politicians and movie stars frequented this amazing place. We took a tour in the evening (highly recommended) and were delighted by the many, many volunteers who sat or stood, inside and out, in 1920s or 1930s clothing, to give us a flavor of what it must have been like.

There are two wonderful swimming pools, one inside, and the outside one below.  It was drained for repairs.  The last of the three pictures was one of the numerous, elegant meeting rooms. Supposedly Mr. Randolph would lay out all of his publications on the floor of this room and read and make corrections.

This was a wonderful trip to an unknown area.  I loved its natural and man-made beauties and hope to come back again and again.  The Central Coast is just delightful.

I'm Almost 60?

I am fast approaching my 60th birthday on June 4th.  I am not sure how I will feel about this event.  I write on this blog not only as an historical document, but also as a way to process. I am sure someone will surely ask, "how does it feel to be 60?"  I will likely ask for clarification.  In what regard? Physically? Emotionally? That I am ready for the bone heap?

 I remember thinking in the distant past that 60 was the onset of "old age."  On one hand, when my parents were 60, they did seem old and were really seeming to slow down.  I had just gotten married and had given them the first of my contributions to their bulging grandchildren pool.  They seemed old like grandparents should seem.

On the other hand, my brother and sister whizzed past 60 and seemed full of energy and full of life.  My sis and her husband are well into their 70s and my bro and sister-in-law are approaching their 80s, and while they are finally starting to slow down, they're not slowing down very much.  They seem to be my most reliable indicators of what it is like to be aging gracefully and with much energy and gusto.

Physically, I will admit to occasionally waking up with some aches and pains (my back sure is stiff this morning).  I will admit to experiencing deteriorating eyesight and hearing (what?).  I will admit to lapses in memory at times (why did I come into this room?). I will admit to saggy flesh and less than toned body parts (Davis jowls).  I will admit to poorer handwriting (my hand starts hurting quickly).  I will admit to not needing as much sleep (who needs 8 hours?).  I will admit that my singing voice has more vibrato to it (the red-headed California warbler).  I will also admit to not as much neediness, if you know what I mean.

But I can still hike strongly and with vigor.  I can walk and run as much as I want to.  I still have all of my teeth and a thick head of red hair.  I can move furniture and boxes and work in the garden as well as I ever have.  Dancing with my sweetheart is no problem.  And I can borrow a lyric from the Broadway musical 1776. 

Emotionally I feel that I understand myself and the world around me moreso now than I ever have.  I feel that I have worked long and hard on eliminating my unresolved childhood issues, and I am experiencing great benefits as a result.  I feel that I have been learning from life experiences and am harvesting the lessons.  I feel much wiser than I did just a few years ago (whether I am actually wiser is arguable).  I feel more contented than I have ever felt.

I still feel emotinally like a child at times, and if you were to ask my wife, she might tell you that I sometimes act like one.  I have no problem interacting with my six grandchildren in person or on Skype, or being as silly as they can be.  Why I still retain many memories from my childhood!

It feels odd to admit to myself that I am on the cusp of retirement.  There are people my age who do not work for a living anymore.  It still seems at times like I am talking about someone else, someone much older, as I discuss retirement issues with our financial advisor.  At this moment, I don't see me working indefinitely.  Heck, I have been working since my first job at age 14.  I see myself working if I want, perhaps easing into retirement, but staying physically and intellectually active.  I see me being able to retire fairly comfortably from a financial point of view, barring unforseen negative circumstances.

 I will admit that having three of my four children in their 30s does make me feel old.  Never mind that I am a grandpa six times over.  It just seems like I was in my 30s, like it was just a few years back.  Where did the time go?

So how does it feel to be 60 years old?  A mixed bag, I suppose.  I am very excited about my future.  I have so much more of life to live, so many experiences to have, so many people and places I want to know, and I hope God grants me many more years.  I don't feel young, but I don't feel old!

Central California Coast Mini Vacation - 1

I recently went on a mini vacation to the Central Coast of California.  Going north from Los Angeles, along Highway 101, you encounter the towns of Santa Barbara and San Luis Obispo. Leaving Highway 101 and taking Highway 1, you find the town of Morro Bay.  Our friends, Kent and Kathie Lee invited us to spend time with them at a home in Morro Bay that belongs to a member of our Stake Presidency.

Using Morro Bay as a base of operations, so to speak, we spent time in Morro Bay, walking, kayaking, eating, and having a pleasant time, but also visited nearby towns.  We went south to Los Osos where we came upon Spooners Cove, a lovely and interesting geologic place.  We also traveled north to the town of Cambria where we ate a wonderful meal and did some shopping.

Still north of Cambria, we visited a stretch of beach where thousands of elephant seals congregate (I believe they are the largest in the seal family).  Not far from the seals is the famous Hearst Castle, built in the early twentieth century by Randolph Hearst, a publishing magnate, and we went on an evening tour there.  Besides seeing the wonders of this castle which Hearst called a "ranch," there were people both inside and outside of the buildings in period costume (1920s-1930s), giving it a sense of how it must have been.

Because this blog not only serves as a showcase for pictures I take, but also as an historical document, I wanted to share my trip.

Morro Rock in Morro Bay in the Morning

Another view of the Rock

Look closely at the seals on the dock on the right in the above picture and on the left of the picture below.  What a racket they made!

Yet another view with a slightly different hue

It was very interesting to me how "soft" the Rock looked early in the morning, and that as the day wore on and the sun got higher in the sky, it seemed to me that it became "hard."  You can see the slightly different hues of the Rock in the three pictures.  I just was mesmorized by this monolith and kept taking pictures on different days.

A little bit closer to the noisy seals!

The day after we arrived at Morro Bay, we found Spooners Cove, and after doing a little hiking nearby, we explored this fascinating place.

Looking down at part of Spooners Cove

Another part of Spooners Cove

Part of the wonder of the Cove is the geologic formations

See what I mean?

As I explored the geologic aspects of the Cove, I was continually fascinated.  I want to learn more about its geologic history and obtain greater understanding as to why these formations occurred as they did.  For me, it was pure wonder!

Wow!

More wow!

Still more wow!

So much texture

Not only were there such interesting formations on many of the walls and ground, but there were so many rocks that had washed ashore.  They were usually worn flat (great for rock skimming!) and varied in their compostion and color.  I took a few pictures of them because they fascinated me.

Skimmer rocks to last a lifetime!

The Drama Triangle - Part 1

Do you remember how dramatic you used to behave as a child when your caregiver told you it was time to go to bed?  Or when it was time to stop playing?  Or to clean your room?  The world was about to end!  

These dramas were in reaction to being flooded with emotion.  They were an emotional response to what others were thinking, saying, or doing because we weren't able to use logic to think through a situation.  They were an attempt to manipulate our caregiver's behavior.  

On a darker lever, we sometimes learned as children that the only way to get our needs met and to feel some sense of control in our young lives was to use drama to manipulate.  Our caregivers sometimes manipulated us, being flooded themselves with emotion, to meet their own needs.  Such caregivers lacked healthy boundaries for themselves, and would often disrespect the boundaries of others, including their children.

Such people ruled by their emotions and lacking healthy boundaries are by their natures very dramatic.  The same can be said for those who suffer from addictive behaviors.  Such emotion-focuesed people can often be called "drama queens."  They seem to thrive on generating or perpetuating drama.  Such people seek to create a drama "vortex" that can swallow those around them.

Years ago, Stephen B. Karpman published a work in which he introduced the concept of "The Drama Triangle."  He sought to identify roles played in emotional dramas, and narrowed the roles down to three:  Victim, Persecutor, Rescuer.

In The Drama Triangle,  there is "all-or-nothing" thinking and "all-or-nothing" language.  Phrases such as "you never" or "you always" or "my whole life" or "our entire marriage" are used by someone in The Drama Triangle, and are a pretty good indicator that one has indeed allowed their emotions to flood them and have assumed one or more Triangle roles.  Their intent is to pull others into the drama and seek control.

Regretfully, such "drama queens" have never learned more appropriate ways to get their needs met.  Sometimes they may not even know that they have assumed a role in the Triangle, and are not conscious that they intend to manipulate and control.  The interactions in the Triangle can be intense, including yelling and fighting, but can also be subtle and part of passive-aggressive behaviors.

To help identify the three roles of The Drama Triangle, let's look at each one.  Most often, as people read characteristics of the roles, they will see themselves as displaying behaviors in more than one role.  They may see themselves involved in all three at varying times.  Through identification of the elements of the Triangle, the hope is that a person can see themselves and others in the drama and begin the process of getting themselves out.

Victims

They usually believe that they need someone to think for them, to take care of them, and to solve problems for them.  Victims often act powerless and incapable, denying their own abilities.  They usually feel, or pretend to feel, defective and "worth-less."  They often feel picked on and that they aren't good enough.  Victims need a persecutor or a rescuer.

Rather than facing their lack of personal boundaries, they defer their responsibility to either a rescuer or persecutor.  By avoiding accountability for their actions, the victim ironically is able to feel more in control.  Victims can often use their role in the Triangle to manipulate and gain power over others, thus assuming a persecutor role.

Please note that the use of the term "victim" refers to a "state of mind" and not a person who has indeed been violated or abused in some way.  Somcone people feel legitimately victimized when in fact they have fallen into the Triangle.  This is particularly true if the victim stays stuck in their victimization and uses it to manipulate,  control, or to gain sympathy.  Victims need rescuers and persecutors, else why would they be victims?

Here are some sentences that describe some feelings and experiences of victims:

"I rely on people to make decisions for me."
"I hold in my anger until I feel ready to explode."
"When people try to help me, I think of reasons why it won't work."
"I have a tendency to blame others."
"I often feel unable or unwilling to handle difficulties."
"I'm not worthy of having good relationships."
"I act the role of martyr to get what I want."
"I find it difficult to speak up and assert myself."
"I often whine and complain about the way things are."
"I often feel in trouble."
"I feel like I can never please my partner."
"I feel my partner just doesn't understand me.

Rescuers

Often identifying themselves as helpers, fixers, and caretakers, rescuers are proud of what they are doing and believe in the rightness and goodness of what they're doing.  They do for victims what victims should do for themselves, enabling them to continue in their unhealthy behaviors.  Rescuers would like to believe that the victim will not make it without them, and as such justify themselves in staying in the "saving" role.

The truth is that Rescuers fear of being abandoned and attempt to make themselves indispensable to the victim.  They position themselves in a vertical, "one-up" position, which in reality is saying that the rescuer is stronger than, better than, smarter than, or more together than the victim, and a place of insecurity for the Rescuer.  

They project their own fears and insecurities onto the victim to avoid facing them.  It is a way to keep a sense of control.  They can also give themselves a sense of power over the victim by trying to make themselves very helpful--and even saintly.  This takes the focus from others off of them and their behaviors.  But they need a victim to rescue.


Here are some sentences that describe some feelings and experiences of rescuers: 

"I feel compelled to help others with their problems."
"I feel guilty if I don't take care of everyone's problems."
"I like to have people depend on me."
"I get offended if people don't appreciate how much I've done for them."
"I do for others what they can do for themselves."
"I'm in an unhealthy relationship with someone who has an addiction."
"I focus on others to avoid focusing on myself."
"I take on the burdens and responsibilities of others."
"I put everyone's needs before my own."
"I feel like my needs are not as important as others' needs."
"I feel unappreciated when I give and give and receive little in return."
"I feel superior to most of my friends and family."

Persecutors

Similar to rescuers who need someone to fix, the persecutor looks for someone to blame.  They deny that they have needs and deny that they have weaknesses.  Like rescuers, they shirk personal responsibility but instead focus on the weaknesses and/or problems of a victim.  Even though they likely have uncomfortable feelings in their own lives, they project their offensive, sarcastic, or even blunt remarks onto others.  They often spend time around people whom they feel justified in criticizing.

This dynamic gives the persecutor a sense of superiority and power, and are quite able at covering up their own behavior by preaching, lecturing, criticizing, or ridiculing the victim.  They can sometimes cover up their issues by being critical of them in others.

They are often known for bad moods, bad tempers, sarcasm, demeaning others, and being defensive.  Because they can be intimidating, they exercise control over others who would not dare confront them about their persecuting behavior.  But they need a victim to persecute.


Here are some sentences that describe some feelings and experiences of persecutors: 

"I often blame others for my problems."
"I lecture friends and family about their deficiencies."
"I verbally attack others."
"I tend to interrogate my spouse and children."
"I demand the respect of those around me."
"I often demonstrate passive-aggressive behavior."
"I often act like I don't care."
"I frequently make sarcastic remarks."
"I shame others for their mistakes."
"I like to feel a sense of power over others."
"I am very critical of those around me."
"I coach or manipulate my spouse, children, or co-workers to do things my way." 

Sadly, and somewhat ironically, some people enjoy drama.  Some people need drama for their disempowered. needy, selfish reasons of wanting and needing to feel important and needed.  At its core, taking up residence in The Drama Triangle is behaving in an immature way.  

People who live in the Triangle subconsciously tend to attract people into their lives who help them perpetuate the drama.  It makes them easier to stay within the role they've established for themselves.  It also makes it more difficult to move out of it.  Because if they try to get out of the drama, other people in it will often act out their own roles with increasing intensity in an attempt to pull the person back into the Triangle.

Once a person realizes what The Drama Triangle is and the role(s) that they sometimes assume in it, and begin the journey to extract themselves from it, they begin to feel empowered.  They begin to realize that they don't want or need it.  Introspectively, they see themselves and others assuming roles in it, and even begin to notice the drama in every day lives.  Recognizing it in ourselves and others is the important first step.

Love

It seems that events sometimes occur in my life that cause me to reflect on existential concepts of my life.  One concept that appears to be recurring in my psyche recently has been the the multifaceted aspect of love.  I considered how in the world to briefly write about such a profound subject, a subject that each reader will view through their own life's lens, and as such will likely be their interpretation of what I am writing and not necessarily what I want to portray.  I still don't know how.  So all I can do is to write about what has been happening and what I am introspectively thinking and how I am feeling, and hope that whatever comes out will be meaningful for me and for you. the reader.  It's the only way I know of at this point.

Some of these disparate recent events include some challenging psychotherapy sessions, particularly with certain couples, landmark events in the lives of my children, being asked to speak at Church on Easter Sunday, reflections on songs that the SCMC and I sang on Easter Sunday, discussions with my wife, a renewed connection to nature, viewing a new Christian movie just out called Heaven Is For Real.  The latter is based on a book written by the father of a young boy who nearly dies and reports to the father that he went to heaven.  Attending funerals in recent months has increased my love for my life and for each day that I continue on this planet. And celebrating my 36th wedding anniversary was very emotional as well.

I am becoming aware that the reason that I enjoy doing psychotherapy and life coaching work, is to a great degree because I see these people as sons and daughters of God, and as such see them as my equals.  I believe that because I love myself, and am loved by God, that they are worthy of my love and care.  When I see these, my fellow travelers, struggling with themselves or significant others, I want to help them.  I attempt to help them to love themselves, not necessarily by anything that I might say, but rather, to facilitate their journey of introspection.  

I find that I struggle inwardly when I see clients, children and relatives, or anybody, for that matter, struggle with their life and their circumstances.  As I get to know them, I instinctively find myself wanting to help them.  It is very difficult for me to see criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewallling with some clients.  They seem unable or unwilling to look inward at their own issues, and choose to focus on their partner's issues.  All that I can do is to point out the problem with their outward focus, teach correct principles concerning looking at themselves, and then hope that they "get it."

I desire that they learn from my knowledge, and occasionally, from my similar life experiences--because, I believe, I care what happens to them.  My challenge as a therapist is to share appropriately--to know and feel when they ready to hear what I know and what I have experienced.  Often, they are clueless as to what they are doing and as to their own motivations.  But that's fine; I have been clueless in the past as well and was ready to learn when life experiences brought me to that teachable moment. By giving myself grace, I try to extend grace to them. I earnestly attempt to not judge them.

Which brings up an aspect of love that is counter-intuitive.  Sometimes, in the right circumstances, the loving thing to do is to judge someone.  I am compelled at times in my therapy sessions to judge someone by telling them their thinking is flawed or even irrational, and to not tell them for fear of a negative reaction, is not showing love.  By not saying something, it becomes about me.  

Over four years ago, when my wife and I asked our son to leave the house for violating a house rule of not using drugs or drinking alcohol in our home, it took every bit of willpower to enforce it.  I had to judge him at that point, and while it broke my heart to send him away knowing that he would likely become homeless, I had to do the loving thing: what was best for him as opposed to what would make me feel better.  And what was best for him was to experience the consequences of his behavior, which I had not been allowing him to experience.  By not doing the loving thing at that time, I would remove an opportunity for growth and for eventually becoming. 

Such judgments can be a slippery slope, however, and one must have great integrity as to one's motivations.  I am learning that lesson as I watch my children sometimes make decisions that I would not make, and challenge my motivation for my judgments.  Are these judgments about me?

I have attempted to access this integrity as I have analyzed my feelings about same-gender attraction or so-called same sex marriage.  I struggled for a time with what I had believed and what practice my Church had inculcated and was judgmental of them, but when taking time to learn about, to appreciate, and ultimately to do what I feel is the loving thing, I became an LGBT Ally.  It is best for them if I care about and love them and not judge them, regardless of what doctrinally may be swirling around.  This has been a big transition for me.

Wanting to keep this blog somewhat secular, I will just say that I felt God's love deeply during my worship during the recent Easter season.  I have posted the entire talk I gave on another blog of mine: redashisdisciple.blogspot.com.  My feelings about deity are very much a significant part of who I am, and those feelings seem to be intensifying as I age.

As witnessed by my recent posting about my senses, and in particular, about hearing and seeing, I love being able to observe and listen to the world around me.  I try to not to take these abilities for granted.  And as stated above, I don't take my safety or my living yet another day for granted either, and express love and appreciation to God each day for His kindness and love.  

I am discovering again that as I give love through service to my clients, my family, and in particular, my wife, my ability to love increases.  It felt really good to make arrangements and to pay for a nice anniversary dinner at a nice restaurant.  It felt good to have a nice, beautiful bouquet of flowers waiting on our table as we sat down.  It felt good to arrive home and to show her the video presentation that I had worked on and helped produce celebrating the day.  I felt great love for her as I carried out these celebratory services.

To love and to be loved.  What great gifts!


    



  

 

 

The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse

Because two individuals from two different backgrounds—sometimes very different backgrounds—do fall in love, they bring to the relationship their life experiences.  Those experiences can be very different, complicated by differing ways in which they were parented in their families of origin (FOO).  The experiences they bring from past love relationships also color their communications and how they relate to one another.  Considering how different two people can be, it is a miracle that they can fall in love. They do, but then, romantic love is not enough; for a relationship to endure, the couple must learn to live together, to communicate, to respect the differences between them.  That process involves learning how to handle disagreements between them, and that takes time and effort.

The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse

Based upon more than 3000 hours of videotaped observations at the Gottman Marital Observatory at the University of Washington over a 23 year period, this research yielded some insights as to how couples relate (or don’t relate) to one another. So predictable are the insights that Dr. Gottman can predict pending divorce with 94% accuracy!  He named one of the most important and most predictable negative patterns to come from the research the “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.”  These four “behaviors” derive from a couple’s inability to deal with disagreements, and one "Horseman" leads to another.

·         CRITICISM – This can take the form of judgments, discounts, put downs, blaming statements, and “always” and “never” statements.  The implication is that there is something wrong with the partner.  Criticism is different from a complaint; a complaint is a statement of dissatisfaction with some specific event or circumstance (an action), whereas criticism is a judgment of one’s partner (who they are).  This leads to…

·         DEFENSIVENESS – This is an attempt to defend oneself from a perceived attack.  It takes on an “innocent victim” tone.  The person on the defensive often attempts to retaliate.  Defensiveness can deflect a discussion of the problem.  It denies any responsibility.  This leads to…

·         CONTEMPT – Any statement that puts one on a higher place than one’s partner.  It shows disrespect for them. It is a particularly corrosive form of contempt.  Another is sarcasm, often used by educated people.  Facial expressions and certain non-verbal behaviors can also show contempt.  Contempt shown to a partner is one of the most predictive of divorce.  Likewise, there is very little or no contempt in happy marriages.  Which leads to…

·         STONEWALLING or WITHDRAWAL – Occurs when the listener deliberately withdraws from interactions.  It manifests by fewer words being exchanged, looking away, and use of controlled facial expressions.  Men tend to stonewall more than women.

Ways to Counteract the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse

·         CRITICISM à POSITIVE COMPLAINT -- To make a positive complaint, you begin by giving compliments and appreciation.  The appreciation needs to be sincere and hopefully “bigger” than the complaint.   It helps protect the relationship by reducing the likelihood the partner feels rejected or insulted. Then using “I” statements, you ask for something to change, stating how the change would benefit you.  If possible, make it about you.

·         DEFENSIVENESS à DON’T DEFEND – Try to admit some role in the partner’s complaint.  Respectfully acknowledging your partner’s feelings is useful and lowers defenses.

·         CONTEMPT à RESPECT – Always assume good will and competence of your partner.  If he/she does not agree with you or does not do what you want, it is not because they are bad or stupid. He/she merely sees it differently, that’s all.

·         STONEWALLING or WITHDRAWAL à TIME OUT – As with young children, you take a break and get to an emotional or even a physical place to calm yourself, making sure that your partner knows you will return soon.  This reduces feelings of abandonment that simply leaving or not responding can cause.

Other Gottman Research Findings

·      Successful couples have a ratio of positive interactions to negative interactions of at least 5 to 1. according the research.

·      Research showed that a partner’s emotions will be negative (anger, sadness, bullying, contempt) after the other had been negative.  It showed that overgeneralizations in which everything was seen through a negative lens were disastrous to relationships and required attempts to be very specific in what was communicated.

·     When disagreements began, successful couples had “soft start ups” as opposed to “harsh start ups.”  Research showed that such “soft start ups” were more predictive of longevity of relationships as opposed to “harsh start ups” which were more predictive of divorce.

·      Sometimes disagreements flood a relationship.  When this occurs, one or both partners may think it best to work out problems alone, often leading parallel lives.  This leads to loneliness and the distance and isolation cascade are predictive of divorce.  The research showed that even though genders may experience negative emotions during such flooding, men were flooded more quickly and easily and it takes them longer to de-escalate.  Partners in successful relationships learned to soothe each other, and even though men must learn to self-soothe in productive ways, their partners can attempt to find ways to soothe them in non-condescending ways. 

·      Some disagreements are solvable while others are not, research showed.  Unsolvable conflicts will never resolve and they do not have to be resolved.  Instead of attempting to solve the unsolvable through interminable discussions, partners need to learn to live with the discomfort.  Choosing to not live with them will likely produce continued fights and will allow negativity to build up.

·     There are times when one partner cannot accept the influence of the other.  They cannot share power.  They hold fast to their own ideas and actions and purposefully do not allow themselves to agree with their partner.  Research showed that men in particular have trouble accepting the influence of women, and Dr. Gottman found that marriages work to the extent that husbands accepted the influence and shared the power with their wives.

·     The attempt to heal and injury or stop negativity from a disagreement, such as a positive commentary on a communication, expressing appreciation, supporting or soothing one another, or genuinely asking for forgiveness, are ways to repair.  According to the research, when “bids to repair” consistently fail, when there is an absence of “de-escalation” attempts, when there is little positive affect expressed such as humor, interest, or affection, these are predictive of divorce, because there is emotional disengagement.

About Anger & Arguing

Anger is often a secondary emotion; that is, it is a strong emotion that manifests because of some anxiety we feel inside, usually fear, a signal that something is wrong.  It can manifest itself quickly and can wreak havoc on relationships.  Often, when it comes on quickly, it is a pretty good indication that we have been anxious about something, and we project that anxiety onto those around us, often onto family or our partner, and often with disastrous effect.

When disagreements occur, anger feelings well up inside.  If they come on quickly, there is a good likelihood that we have been suppressing our anxiety and not talking about it, and our “fuse” is very short.  Feeling overwhelmed by the anxiety, we will say or do things that we often later regret.  All respect and good will and rational thought are crushed by the onslaught of our out-of-control feelings of anger.  We go into accuse mode.  We make our loved one the enemy.  We often raise our voices, or worse, become physically violent. 

It is natural and normal to feel anger.  Some of us were not allowed to feel angry as children.  Some of us were taught either consciously or subconsciously that we shouldn’t verbalize our anger but bottle it up inside, either verbally or through the examples of our caregivers.    For any number of reasons, some of us never learned the skills of what to do with this intense emotion and we carry this unresolved issue into our adult lives.  The feelings of anger often occur as a result of irrational thoughts that we experienced earlier in life.  As adults, we may have to catch up and learn strategies as to what to do with our anger and how to express it, especially those of us in marital relationships.

To begin, when there is a disagreement with our partner and anger is involved, we need to acknowledge that we are indeed upset and angry. We need to allow ourselves to feel the emotions, and allow our partners the same.  They are manifestations or reflections of our needs and they may be simple or complex.  But they are our feelings and we must own them.  Nobody can make us feel complex feelings but ourselves.  Often, our judgment causes the feelings inside of us.  Our spouses cannot cause us to feel anything unless we empower them to do so.

Our natural tendency is to protect ourselves by lashing out at our partner.  The anxiety that we experience internally is intense and can seem like a tsunami, completely uncontrollable.  The feelings want to manifest themselves in forceful words—usually judgmental, meant-to-hurt, emotionally violent words, words that in another calmer place would never be said.

But if our partners cannot cause us to feel complex feelings, then we truly must take responsibility for the management of our feelings and subsequent behaviors.  The most productive way of managing our anxiety and anger in the moment is to follow three steps: STOP à PAUSE à THINK. 

When we want to externalize our strong feelings, to lash out at our partner and say harsh words, we have to STOP, if only for a brief moment.  It may feel like a flimsy dam with a gigantic wall of water (emotion) ready to burst through it, but STOP we must.  The process of stopping can be facilitated by taking a few deep BREATHS which serve to calm us. It might even take the form of saying that we need a minute. This brief interlude will hopefully STOP the surge of emotion long enough to allow us time to THINK.  STOPPING and BREATHING or PAUSING will allow us to begin to THINK, to actually identify what is being felt.  It will begin the process of allowing us to stop feeling and to start thinking.  This necessary process of controlling our emotions allows us to cognitively question what we are feeling and why we are feeling it.  It allows us to cognitively address why our partner might have said what he/she said.  But cognition won’t happen if we are vomiting our feelings onto our partner.  The following is an actual situation that occurred.

Janeen’s mother had recently died.  Both Janeen and her husband Tom knew that as a result, Janeen was going to receive an inheritance from the estate.  Both of them had discussed the need to contact their financial advisor about resultant tax liabilities.  Janeen received information about the inheritance at work from her brother, the executor of the estate.  She called Tom at his work and informed him that they needed to further discuss what her brother had told her.  When they both arrived home from work that evening, she asked Tom if he would call the financial advisor, never thinking that he would do so before she had a chance to tell him the details of the conversation.  But because Tom had not yet been able to make the phone call, he made it right then.  As he started to describe the situation to the advisor as he understood it, in Janeen’s presence, he didn’t know all the details she had found out and was relating incorrect information. Janeen asked to have the phone.

Tom felt disrespected and a little angry and left her to speak.  A few minutes after she concluded, Janeen went to talk to Tom.  He wanted to lash out at her, but he stopped, paused, and thought.  He chose to articulate using “I” statements that he had felt disrespected and was hurt.  Through much of her life, Janeen had had trouble being accused of being wrong and felt a desire to lash out at Tom.  She paused and then thought. That allowed her time to realize that she had not explained to him what she had learned from her brother.  She realized through listening respectfully that Tom had thought the she had just “bulldozed” him and he was feeling disrespected and angry.  In a calm voice, she explained to her husband that she had wanted him to make the phone call after they had had a chance to discuss the new information.  Tom had surprised her by calling so quickly.  She knew that he did not have all of the pertinent facts.  She was positioned to explain things accurately to the financial advisor and had asked for the phone.  Because Tom had not lashed out at Janeen, and she had not lashed out at him, they were able to then calmly discuss the new information without the drama.

In this actual account, both spouses went to a cognitive place away from their emotional places by stopping, pausing, and thinking.  They both had empathy towards the other, and had been working on this three step technique. They listened respectfully to one another and had not allowed their feelings to get in the way of effective communication and conflict resolution.  They knew that they could only control themselves and not their spouse. They did not try to defend themselves.  They knew that wallowing in their angry feelings was counterproductive and that “feelings aren’t facts, they’re feelings.”  They did not want to make their spouse the enemy, but rather, they wanted to take care of their relationship rather than winning an argument.  They had assumed the best motives of the other.

To review, stopping, pausing, and thinking allow us to:

·         Cognitively identify what we are feeling

·         Cognitively question what we are feeling—why we are feeling it

·         Cognitively question why our spouse may have said what they said

·         Take time out from feeling the emotional tsunami

·         Develop empathy

·         Develop the ability to listen respectfully to our spouse

·         Control ourselves, knowing we can’t control our spouse

·         Gradually lose the need to defend ourselves

·         Develop the understanding that feelings aren’t facts

·         Not make our spouse the enemy

·         Take care of the relationship rather than win an argument

·         Develop the ability to assume best intentions from our spouse

    

Based upon Non-Violent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg, articles by Kendall Evans called Anger Management Guidelines, Feelings, Safe and Productive Arguments, Guidelines for Positive Relating, and original thought by Robert E. Davis.