Expectations--From My Perspective

Twice last year, I came awfully close to losing my life; the stalling of my car on a night freeway and the other in a head-on collision.  Last year, I lost a friend in a bicycle accident with a car.  A number of significant public figures from my life passed away in 2013.  Both of my siblings and their spouses are in their 70s, and I would like for them to have another 20 years, but I have no say if that will happen or not.

In 2014, I turn 60.  That is not particularly old now in the 21st Century, but it is not young either.  I'm trying to watch my cholesterol, my weight, my medication-controlled pre-diabetes.  I exercise, and get regular physical and dental checkups in an effort to take care of my body.  I travel in my car around 350 miles a week, which while not the great number of miles I have traveled in my employment in the past, it is still a significant number of miles, and miles in which there is always the possibility of being in an accident, perhaps a fatal accident.

Some might say that I am becoming obsessed with dying.  Perhaps.  But I would like to frame it in another way.  I see myself as being obsessed with living.  I desperately want to live for a long time, whatever age that is.  Secure in my religious beliefs, I am not afraid to die, and actually I look forward to it.  But not yet.  Not now.

Because I don't know whether at my next physical check-up the doctor will find a cancerous lump and tell me I have six months to live, or if some drunk driver will t-bone my car as I innocently go through an intersection, I am grateful each day that something terrible did not happen to me in my past.  Again, those ideas might be viewed as morbid, but I see them as not having an expectation--taking the day for granted, if you will--that I will be alive tomorrow.  When I do wake up and realize I am still around, I feel a great sense of happiness and appreciation--each day. Indeed, in my personal religious observance, I express my desire to God and plead with Him to live another day--I just don't expect it.

I believe, and have written about this, that gratitude and happiness are inextricably connected.  It has been my experience that the happiest people are those who are the most grateful.  Conversely, those who do not feel gratitude are often unhappy.  Look at yourself or those around you, and notice if the happiest people around you are the most grateful.  And I my opinion, being happy does not necessarily mean you constantly wear a smile (although you might!), but rather, you feel a contentment or peace that, at that particular moment, life is pretty good!

I want to connect gratitude and happiness with expectations.  To use my example above, If I expect to live through tomorrow, I may feel grateful tomorrow night, but over time, I will begin to take it for granted.  It is just human nature.  As I begin to take for granted or expect that I will live each day, my appreciation for that gift will likely diminish.  As my gratitude diminishes for this gift because I have come to expect it, I likely won't be as happy or contented as I was when I was more appreciative.

What I am proposing is that reducing one's expectations significantly enhances one's gratitude, and as such, one's happiness or contentment or peace.  

Does that mean that one should have no expectations at all?  We can have the expectation or take for granted that the sun will rise tomorrow--something virtually inevitable, because of the rotation of the earth.  This certitude can exist in some areas of natural life as well, but there can be no certitude in the uncertainty of human life.  We certainly do not have full control over most of the important things in life--our health and the health of those around us, whether we'll get a job we desire, or, in my example above, how long I (or any of my loved ones) will live.

We can control whether we give our best effort; we control whether we act appropriately or not.  Given health and ability, we can also control the quality of our work.  We have free will, or agency.  But we only have control over those matters over which we have complete control. especially matters of human behavior.  Even then, we should have fewer expectations of others' behaviors than of our own.

What about the future?  We can and should have goals, hopes, and ambitions for ourselves, and I believe it is acceptable to make appropriate demands on others, such as fidelity from a spouse or honest work from an employee.  But those really aren't expectations.

So what about expectations of our spouses?  Other than expecting fidelity and no abuse of one another in any form, I believe that should be minimal expectations--we have no control over their behavior.  The more we expect from a spouse, the more likely we are to take them for granted, and the more likely we will not feel grateful for all of the good things they do for us.  Taking a spouse for granted and not feeling or expressing gratitude for them places great stress on the relationship.

So what about expectations of our children?  We should have great hopes for our children.  We should help set goals with them.  We can and should make certain demands on our children because they need them, like doing homework.  But I feel we ought to maintain modest expectations of them, for their sakes.  They ought to be seen as autonomous human beings, not extensions of us.  Unintentionally or intentionally seeing them as a "Mini-Me" can cause them great harm.  That is done out of our own needs and not of theirs; it springs from our own unresolved issues.  Likewise, some parents give their children so much that their offspring come to expect more and more, depriving them of developing their ability to learn gratitude--because they won't feel it.

Also, keeping expectations of our children to a minimum reduces gratuitous disappointment when they decide to not do what we expected of them.  There are so many parents that live sad, ungrateful lives because they had such high expectations of their children who have "disappointed" them and have allowed this disappointment to darken their lives.

Simply stated, expectations are impediments to happiness.  When expectations are unfulfilled they cause gratuitous pain, and when they are fulfilled, they diminish gratitude, the most important element in happiness.  I am really trying to keep my expectations at a bare minimum, and only have them when I have control over the results.  I desire to be grateful because when I am grateful, I am happy, contented, and at peace.

   

Blocks to Listening

Listening is the most important communication skill.  Real listening is rare. It involves more than simply hearing your partner's words or being quiet when your partner speaks.  It represents a commitment to understanding and to empathy.  It is distinguished by the intention of the listener: to understand, learn from, help, or just enjoy your partner.  It allows you to see the world through your partner's eyes.

Many people think they are listening, but they really are engaging in pseudo-listening.  When we listen this way, there is a selective perception occurring in which listening is distorted by judgments about the character, behaviors, and the intentions of the person speaking.  These judgments create a number of real impediments to real listening.  Many do this, at least occasionally.  Honestly assess which of the following blocks get in your way of really listening to your partner.

Mind Reading.  You disregard what your partner is actually saying in favor of trying to figure out what he or she "really means."  Mind readers place great importance on subtle cues such as facial expression, tone of voice, and posture.  The actual meaning of the words is ignored in favor of the listener's assumptions.  EXAMPLE:  Your partner says, "I'm okay," but you hear, "something's wrong, but I don't want to tell you."

Filtering.  You listen to some of your partner's words but not others.  You may listen for what you are expecting to hear ("I'm angry") and tune out everything else ("I really need your support").  Filtering also is used to exclude things that you don't want to hear, usually something about you or the relationship.  EXAMPLE:  How would you respond to the following: "I'm afraid about being isolated from my family if we move out of state" or "I'm concerned about how much time you spend on the computer."

Rehearsing.  After the first few words, you stop listening to what your partner is saying because you're busy rehearsing how you will respond. You miss much of the information your partner is telling you because you are too involved to listen because you're preparing your excuse or justification or defense.  EXAMPLE:  How would you respond to your partner if he or she were sharing their feelings, one of which was about a growing distance between you?

Daydreaming.  Your attention wanders and you only hear bits of what your partner is saying to you.  This is a particular problem for couples who have been together for several years.  Your thoughts focus on your own concerns.  You may even be aware you are having trouble paying attention to your partner.  This sometimes is a passive way of demonstrating anger or resentment.  EXAMPLE:  You become distracted when your partner talks about a recent conversation with his/her mother because you don't like her.

Advising.  As soon as your partner begins to describe a problem he or she is having, you jump in and begin to give advice about how it should be solved.  (This is often done by males!) This can be a way of managing your own anxiety about a situation.  You are so involved in wanting to fix the problem that you ignore your partner's need for emotional support, or to have you just listen and ask for clarification. Advising gives your partner the message that he or she lacks the ability to solve his or her own problems.  EXAMPLE:  Your partner had a unpleasant conversation with a co-worker which he/she thought was rude.

Sparring.  You listen just enough to begin an argument or debate.  You take a position that is opposite to your partner's, and defend it, regardless of what your partner says.  This is characteristic of troubled relationships. There are familiar themes to the back-and-forth, such as money, sex, being late, neatness, or the children.  EXAMPLE:  Your partner states that you are not having enough sex, and you take the opposite position.

Being Right.  You feel the need to protect yourself from anything your partner might say that suggests that you are less than perfect or consistent.  You might engage in shouting, accusing, lying, criticizing, or rationalizing, in order to avoid admitting you might be wrong and your partner could be right.  EXAMPLE:  Your partner begins to talk of their concern that both of you are spending too much money, you break in and begin to defend your most recent purchases.

Derailing.  You make a joke or change the subject whenever your partner begins to talk about something that is too personal, too threatening and close to your core.  In this way, you avoid listening to your partner's serious concerns.  EXAMPLE:  Your partner approaches you with a concern about your health, and you respond by laughing and stating your fine or just too busy to contact the doctor, then you start talking about a problem at work.

Placating.  You agree too quickly.  You are so concerned about appearing supportive or agreeable as possible that you don't give your partner time to express a deep thought or feeling.  EXAMPLE:  Your partner expresses doubt, irritation, or anxiety, about a situation, and you jump right in and offer assurance that you will fix the problem right away.

Judging.  You stop listening to your partner because you've already formed some negative judgment.  You only listen for the purpose of assigning blame or putting negative labels on your partner's motives, words, or behaviors.  You listen to gather fresh evidence to prove the validity of your judgment.   EXAMPLE:  Your partner attempts to tell you about a problem they're having and you stop listening, thinking "here we go again."


Based upon the work of Carl Rogers (1951) and McKay, Davis and Fanning (1983).

The Elements of Equality in Spousal Relationships

ATTENTION. Both partners are emotionally attuned to and supportive of each other. And both feel invested in the relationship, responsible for attending to and maintaining the relationship itself.

INFLUENCE.  Partners are responsive to each other's needs and each other's bids for attention, conversation, and connection. Each has the ability to engage and emotionally affect the other.

ACCOMMODATION.  Although life may present short periods when one partner's needs take precedence, it occurs by mutual agreement; over the long haul, both partners influence the relationship and make decisions jointly.

RESPECT.  Each partner has positive regard for the humanity of the other sees the other as admirable, worthy of kindness in a considerate and collaborative relationship.

SELFHOOD.  Each partner retains a viable self, capable of functioning without the relationship if necessary, able to be his or her own person with inviolable boundaries that reflect core values.

STATUS.  Both partners enjoy the same freedom to directly define and assert what is important and to put forth what is the agenda of the relationship. Both feel entitled to have and to express their needs and goals and bring their full self into the relationship.

VULNERABILITY.  Each partner is willing to admit weakness, uncertainty, and mistakes.

FAIRNESS.  In perception--determined by flexibility and responsiveness--and behavior, both partners feel that chores and responsibilities are divided in ways that support individual and collective well-being.

REPAIR.  Conflicts may occur and negativity may escalate quickly, but partners make deliberate efforts to de-escalate such discussions and calm each other down by taking time-outs and apologizing for harshness.  They follow up by replacing defensiveness with listening to the other's position.

WELL-BEING.  Both partners foster the well-being of the other physically, emotionally, and financially.  

Beatles Top 40

In September and October of 2011, because of my love of all kinds of music, I decided that I wanted to make "Bob's Top 40" for two music loves of my life, classical music and hard rock music.  It was fun to do.  Since that time, I've thought about doing it again with my other music tastes. When my wife gave me a box set of Beatles songs--very comprehensive, from 1963 to 1969--for Christmas, and because I have been a BIG fan of theirs my entire life and know (and can sing from memory) nearly all of their songs, I decided to do a Top 40 of Beatles songs.

There were SO MANY songs from which to choose: simple songs, "transitional" songs, psychedelic songs, political songs.  It was a challenge to narrow the list to just 40, and then to prioritize them in ascending order as I did in 2011.  

My criteria was basically: a song's complexity or lack, the "tunefulness" of the melody, the instrumentation, the harmonies (if there were any), how they make me feel as I listen to and sing along, their uniqueness.  I understand this is 100% subjective; in fact, while some of their most well known songs make my Top 40, for the most part they are closer to the bottom than to the top of my list.

I love their songs.  I love how their songs have enriched my life since that fateful Sunday night on the Ed Sullivan show so long ago.  I love how fun it is to sing along to their hundreds of songs.  I love that their songs are on my brain's "hard drive" which allows me to sing along with no effort.  To me, they are the greatest rock group of all time.  

So here is my Beatles Top 40, with some commentary about each:

40.  Back in the USSR.  From the White Album, this harks back to Cold War days.  It has what I always thought was the cool sound of jet engines.
39.  We Can Work It Out.  The lyrics of the song's bridge resonate through the years: "Life is very short and there's no time for fussing and fighting, my friend."
38.  I Am the Walrus.  "Koo-koo-ka-choo."  A psychedelic masterpiece that seems to say in the chant toward the end "Smoke pot, smoke pot, everybody smoke pot."
37.  Fool on the Hill.  Another psychedelic masterpiece sung by Paul. "The eyes in his head see the world spinning round."
36.  Day in the Life.  This was Rolling Stone's #1 Beatles song.  It's innovative, interesting, political, and has the tremendous multiple piano strike at its conclusion.
35.  Hey Jude.  This song, dedicated to John's son, Julian, is a classic by any measure.  It is a crowd favorite at Paul McCartney concerts to this day.
34.  Nowhere Man.  John and Paul would occasionally start a song without instruments; this is one of them.  Great harmonies amid the "la-las."  Rather than just pointing out what this fictional person is missing, John finally sings "isn't he a bit like you and me?"
33.  Yesterday.  The most covered pop song ever.  This song began its life as "Scrambled Eggs" until Paul figured it out.  A haunting, wistful melody to be sure.
32.  All My Loving.  An early song that has a driving beat with a nice George instrumental interlude in the middle.  I like hearing Paul's soaring vocals and the harmonies of this piece.
31.  Honey Don't.  My favorite of songs sung by Ringo.  This, like "What Goes On," has an attractive (to me) country sound.  I like hearing Paul's "boogie-woogie" type bass on parts of the tune. 
30.  Michelle.  Another ballad sung by Paul, interspersed with French. Can't say the lyrics grab me, but it has a nice melody line.

29.  A Day in the Life.  This political song was #1 in Rolling Stone's top 100 songs.  It is a masterful musical journey with the memorable multiple piano strike at the end.  I seem to struggle with the words sometimes.
28.  Roll Over Beethoven.  This was my favorite song on my first Beatles album.  It sounds like it should be in the movie "Back to the Future."  That's because it was written by Chuck Berry, the original duck-walker!
27.  Savoy Truffle.  An obscure song from the White Album about a yummy dessert.  This tune sung by George has what sounds like baritone or bass saxophones--an unusual touch.
26.  Let It Be.  One of the best known Beatles tunes.  It was immortalized for a new generation when Sesame Street spoofed it, using the tune to sing about the"Letter B."
25.  I'll Follow the Sun.  Harking back to the beginnings, the hidden gem is a nice ballad sung by Paul, full of lovely harmonies.  "Tomorrow may rain, so I'll follow the sun."
24.  She's a Woman.  This song is not to be found anywhere in the box set.  Strange, because it was really popular back in the day.  There is a little time signature changing which makes it more interesting.
23.  Piggies.  You have to love a pop song that has pig sounds in it. This piece is full of vindictive railing against the "Establishment" and sung with snide by George.
22.  Norwegian Wood.  "I once had a girl, or should I say, she once had me."  Thus begins the lyric of this all acoustic song sung with relish by John.  
21.  Think for Yourself.  This is a song that I didn't discover until a few years ago, and I really like it.  I enjoy listening to Paul's fuzz bass throughout the song.
20.  Good Day Sunshine.  The tune is a upbeat, positive, happy tune that makes me feel good.  I remember thinking about this song on a vacation trip to Bear Lake many years ago.

19.  Day Tripper.  A great guitar riff starts out this song, and repeats again.  "Sunday driver, yeah."  Just a fine song that is easy to sing along with.
18.  Paperback Writer.  This song has a driving beat with a memorable guitar riff throughout.  Nice harmonies, but not a love song.
17.  In My Life.  This romantic ballad sung by John is a favorite.  It has had special meaning through the years since it was played at my California wedding reception.
16.  Eight Days a Week.  Another song from my early days, I always wondered why it wasn't called Seven Days a Week.  Nice harmonies.
15.  No Reply.  To me, this has a rather haunting melody, perhaps because it was written in a minor key.  I love the melody and the harmonies in this song about someone who is obsessed.
14.  Strawberry Fields Forever.  This psychedelic song is full of experimentation, the boys wanting to push the envelope musically.  It's most unique feature is at the end when the music is played backwards. Then to perpetuate the rumor, at the end we hear "I buried Paul."
13.  Here, There and Everywhere.  A romantic ballad sung in a fairly high register.  "When she's beside me I know I need never care."  This song was the title song of an infamous American-released album.
12.  You've Got to Hide Your Love Away.  A memorable song from the memorable "Help" soundtrack.  Sung by John, I do a pretty good imitation of him singing it.
11.  I'll Be Back.  This song also has a haunting melody.  A rather obscure song, it is also written in a minor key.  Except for the bridge, nearly all of the song's melody is joined with harmony, which I find marvelous.
10.  I Want to Hold Your Hand.  This was the last and for me the most memorable song of their first appearance on the Ed Sullivan Show. That first appearance was seen by over 73 million viewers--and me!

 9.    Tell Me Why.  Lots of harmonies in this early song.  I've always liked singing along with it.  I have unsuccessfully tried to imitate the falsetto notes in the middle of the song.
8.    I Feel Fine.  This song begins with one of the most well-known guitar riffs ever.  I've heard it in a number of other songs by other groups.  "I'm so glad that she's my little girl."  Hmmmm.
7.    Blackbird.  An acoustic beauty with just gentle tapping, Paul's unmistakable voice, and a blackbird singing.  This is a great song to teach yourself if you are learning to play the guitar.
6.    Another Girl.  A great song from the "Help" soundtrack.  I will always remember how cool it was to see Paul playing this song in the movie with a girl in a bikini and her arm extended as his guitar.
5.    The Night Before.  One more song from the "Help" soundtrack, it is full of harmonies and memorable lyrics.  "When I held you near, you were so sincere."
4.    I'll Cry Instead.  My favorite of their upbeat songs.  I've always liked this song from the early years.  Not only a great melody, but it has Paul playing down the neck of his bass guitar--which I've always loved.
3.    And I Love Her.   Paul is at his finest in this early love ballad.  Great lyrics, a lovely melody, yet another song in a minor key that finally resolves on the last note.
2.    Abbey Road--Side 2 Medley.  Comprising almost the entire 2nd side of the album, it is the Beatles at their best, able to comfortably compose and perform in a number of different styles with ease.  "And in the end, the love you take is equal to the love you make."  It was the end.  And #1 is...
1.    If I Fell.  A beautiful, romantic ballad full of harmonies.  I cannot control myself when I hear this tune; I have to sing John's harmony part. Is it the Beatles' best song?  I think so.

Three Blogs Now Instead of One

To begin the new year, I made the decision to take this blog and spin off parts of it.  I have sometimes felt as I have referred people I see in a therapeutic setting to this blog that I was sharing a bit too much of me.  It has sometimes seemed that I may have made myself somewhat too transparent to a client.  I also believe that because of my prominent religious beliefs, I may have made someone feel uncomfortable about my religiosity.

To that end, I will continue to write about the transitions in my life in this blog.  Obviously, part of those transitions will take place in the therapeutic and religious worlds I inhabit.  But those postings which are basically therapeutic in nature, or are basically religious in nature, will be posted on new blogs I've already established. 

The new blog for therapeutic postings is to be found at:

redmft.blogspot.com  (RED Marriage and Family Therapist)

The new blog for religious postings is to be found at:

redashisdisciple.blogspot.com  (RED As His Disciple)

By the way, regarding the religious blog, I kept a Book of Mormon Journal as I read the Book during 2013.  I have included it on that blog.

As of today, all of the postings on "redmft" are merely postings from this blog.  The same is true of "redashisdisciple" except the Journal. 

Again, I appreciate those few souls who have been reading some or all of my redintransition.blogspot.com postings, and the fewer souls who make comments.  As you may have noticed recently, I again changed the look of the blog (all of the blogs have the same look) to be RED in color.  I changed it from the original template (this is the 3rd) because comments could not be left. I've been told that is the case with this new template, which is very frustrating to me.  I have taken steps I believe will allow comments, but in case I still don't have the bug worked out, please inform me at my email address:

redintransition@gmail.com

I encourage anyone who may want to say something to not be shy but to write comments.  They are helpful to me.