Robert Redford, You're Not So Big!

It's June 27, 1975.  I had just flown from Buenos Aires, Argentina and had landed at Los Angeles.  Just turned 21, I had spent the past 22 months in Argentina serving a mission for the LDS Church and was anxious to return to family and friends in Salt Lake City.

I was all alone for the first time in two years.  There was layover at LAX and I had found my way to the gate.  These were the days before all gates at LAX had jetways, those tunnels that now connect the terminals with the planes.   My gate did not have a jetway.  They weren't even at SaltLake City's airport.  

I sat down in one of the chairs not far from the gate's sliding door. Across from me some 7-8 feet were a bank of chairs.  If I remember correctly, I was there for some time alone.  I remember how strange it felt not have a companion near me, knowing that I had always had someone close to me every hour of every day for the past two years and three days.  As a missionary, the only time that I could be alone was when I took a shower or used the restroom.

As I waited for time to pass, I noticed a man with a briefcase coming toward the gate and he sat down on the chairs facing me.  As I looked at him straight ahead, I realized that it was the movie star, Robert Redford! Much too shy to say anything (what do you say to a movie star anyway?), I just sat there and watched him, trying not to be obvious.  I remembered that he lived in Utah in the mountains near BYU and figured he had been in LA doing what movie stars do and was returning home.

More people finally started arriving as the departure time got closer, but he had buried/hidden his face in what was likely some important document like a script.  Nobody but me knew he was there.  I realized that I knew something that nobody else knew and determined at some point to tell others that he was on the flight.

At last, it was time to board, and if I remember correctly, I would be in the fifth row, right side facing the cockpit.  When the announcement was made, he quickly jumped up, and took his place at the front of the boarding line in the terminal.   There were a few people in front of me. The sliding doors opened and we walked along the ground to the stairs that led to the front of the plane, which I believe was a Boeing 737 with no first class seats.

As he kind of hurried on ahead I walked a little slowly, informing some of the people I was my fellow travelers that Robert Redford was on this flight and was walking ahead of us.  The news somehow spread backwards in the boarding line.

I entered and stood at my fifth row seat, motioning to some of the people where he was sitting, which was on my right side but in the very first row and at the window. I remember some of the people looking over his direction and smiling with delight.  

More memorable was when a group of teenage girls entered into the plane. They obviously had heard my gossip that Robert Redford was on the flight.  As I pointed, they would look over his direction and start giggling.  I remember feeling kind of uniquely important that I had let out a big secret that only I had known.  As I relate my actions here, I feel kind of dumb, but then, I was only 21, right?

If I recall, the flight itself was uneventful, except that I remember how great it was to see the towering mountains of the Salt Lake Valley.  But it was hard not to deny the growing excitement of seeing family and friends that would be waiting at my arrival.  When the plane touched down I could hardly contain myself.

As we taxied and eventually parked at the terminal gate, without a jetway, I popped up and stood.  Looking to the front, Robert Redford had likewise popped up and was awaiting the opening of the door and for the people in front of him to begin the exiting process.  The door opened and I was not too far behind him as we all inched toward the door.

I reached the doorway and heard shouts and voices exclaiming "there's Bob!"  "There he is!" I was focused on the faces in my little entourage, looking to see who had come, and forgetting my famous travel companion.  I didn't learn until later the main reason for bringing up this tale of my return from my missionary endeavors in Argentina. 

 Someone in the group later told me that they had noticed Robert (Bob) Redford descending the stairway from the plane to the gate.  He apparently was approaching the bottom of the stairway when I appeared at the plane door and the shouts began ringing out. "There's Bob!" Supposedly, from his facial expression, "Bob"Redford thought that the voices were from fans. But NOBODY paid any attention to him; only the 21 year-old "Bob" with the red hair that had been gone for two years.  Reportedly, according to the group member, he turned around to look up toward the plane and smirked.  On that day, in that moment, I was the star!  I was more popular than Robert Redford!

NUM83R5

One of my first discoveries in the Bible was who had lived the longest--Methusaleh, who supposedly lived a whopping 969 years.  Gee whiz! That's a long time.  I've always been fascinated with longevity.

This June, if I make it, I will turn 60.  But then, my sister Darlene turns 72 tomorrow. Her husband Bill turns 73 in June. My brother Tom turns 77 in May and his wife Janeen already turned 77.  I'm just a greenhorn, compared to my siblings!  My wife is 57.  Her sister Jill turns 60 the week before I do. Her brother Rick is 61.  While not so remarkable by biblical standards, we're all getting up there, and luckily, we're all pretty healthy in spite of some aches and pains.

What is remarkable and arguably unique is how long marriages have lasted in our two extended families.  My wife's parents were married for 49 years, I believe, before my father-in-law passed away.  Rick and his beloved Amy, will have been married, I believe, 35 years this summer.  Jill and her beloved Richard Lin will have been married 34 years, I believe, this year.  

My parents were married 52 years before my dad passed away.  My brother Tom will have been married to his sweetheart 58 years in May.  My sister Darlene will have been married to her sweetheart 54 years in June.  And of course, I will have been married to my sweetheart 36 years in April.

And while I will admit that longevity does not necessarily equate to marital happiness, in an age of divorces and marital splits (where I live in my profession), our two families have established a high bar for marital longevity--staying together through thick and thin.  Adding together the two families' (and two generations) of years of being married, it comes to 318 years--with not one divorce!  Remarkable, wouldn't you say?

Reflecting on other issues of numerical longevity of my life, here are some other numbers :

• Years since starting kindergarten at Onequa School -- 54
• Years since I started singing in choirs -- 49
• Years since being in Junior High School plays -- 46
• Years since graduating from West High School in SLC -- 43
• Years knowing my best friend Bill Harten who I met my first day at BYU -- 43.  We still talk regularly.
• Years since I lived at 509 North 8th West in Salt Lake City -- 41
• Years since I've been able to speak Spanish -- 41
• Years since LDS mission was completed to Argentina -- 39
• Years since graduating from BYU -- 36
• Years since birth of our first born, Rebecca -- 35
• Years since returning from living and teaching in Japan -- 33
• Years involved in the clothing/textile recycling business (the "rag business") -- 33
• Years since the birth of our second born, Emily -- 33
• Years since purchasing our first home in West Jordan, Utah for $44,500 -- 32
• Years knowing my very good friends Jim Birrell and Loyd Stinson with whom I shared fences in that first home -- 32
• Years since the birth of our third born, Robert (BJ) -- 31
• Years since I've been to Hawaii -- 30
• Years of being a High Priest in the Church -- 30
• Years since the birth of our last born, Doug -- 29 (in October)
• Years since moving to Southern California and leaving the only home we ever "built" and owned new -- 20
• Years, off and on, of being involved with the Southern California Mormon Choir -- 15
• Years since moving from Newhall to Los Angeles -- 10
• Years since the birth of my first grandchild, Isaac -- 8
• Years since graduating with a Masters Degree in Psychology and doing psychotherapy and counseling -- 6
• Years since being a bishop of the Glendale 7th Ward -- 5
• Years of living in Tujunga -- 4
• Years since being involved in directing the Addiction Recovery Program of the LDS Church in my Stake -- 2
• Years since coming out as the naturally curly haired fellow I am, and having a black cat -- .25!   
  
    

Embracing Our Dark Side

               Western society and western religions teach us to remain positive.  The concept is to attempt to focus totally on the positive, the light aspects of ourselves, denying the dark and negative attributes we all possess, and are afraid to acknowledge in ourselves.

                In our entirety, we are a composite.  That means that we are both light and dark.  The character of Luke Skywalker in Star Wars is an archetypal representation of this composite.  To deny or repress the darkness within us is to deny a divine part of Self.  In Luke Skywalker’s case, it ultimately was to face his "dark side" in opposition to his Jedi self.

                Life is polarized.  The universe and its laws are polarized.  There is hot and cold, heavy and light, strong and weak, Light and Dark.  In our discussion, the Light represents what we see in life as good and positive, while the Dark represents what we see as bad and negative.  As we experience life through this polarity, this opposition in all things, it is natural to split everything into two camps of Light and Dark.

Why Embrace the Dark?        

In essence, our mission is to transcend this polarity by having compassion on ourselves, by loving ourselves unconditionally, which allows us to see the power and purpose of everything, especially both the Light and the Dark.  Such compassion and unconditional love allow us to see the positive in the negative, where there is no right or wrong.  It is the process of bringing Light into the Dark.

                Such compassion and unconditional love for ourselves allow us to view the Dark in a completely different manner.  In this mindset, we see that the Dark is not simply “bad”, but a place that requires love, healing and attention.  The Dark is a place where Light has yet to reach—it is an absence of Light.  As we endeavor to heal our darkness, we are offered great, explosive opportunities for growth, which lead to greater inner happiness.  Therefore, negative traits are really positive ones in disguise!  They are strengths disguised as weaknesses.

                The Dark provides the space for self-discovery.  By turning one’s attention to a part of ourselves that needs healing, we are focusing our Light on that Dark attribute.  What happens when a light is turned on in a dark room?  The darkness is immediately transmuted into light.  The dark does not fight back.  The Dark has no power over the Light.  It is only our fear of the Dark that energizes it further.  By gifting compassion and love to ourselves, we can turn any Dark facet we encounter into the higher frequency of Light.

How Is Darkness Recognized and Embraced?

                Embracing our dark side first requires us to not fear the darkness within us.  When we fear a part of who we are, or who we might be (i.e., when we suppress our insecurities), we project it onto another.  One way of spotting whether we are not embracing darkness and denying that part within us can be seen through how we judge others.  When we point a finger at another and label them as “evil” or “power-hungry” or “egotistical,” in truth we are denying a part of ourselves.  We have projected onto them.  For within each of us is the ability to be all of these qualities—we are all that is.  

If we heal those parts within us that are in pain (i.e., the insecurities), then we become compassionate, and understand that the other person requires healing themselves.  However, if we are in denial about our own insecurities and have not healed them or understood them, then we will usually find them in another.  Judging others is truly revelatory of those negative traits within us. 

  

Do we deny these traits, thereby allowing them to fester and grow?  Or do we see the importance of these virtues in teaching us valuable lessons about ourselves, thereby allowing us (and them) to grow?

When we feel a negative emotion or thought, it is important that we do not attempt to ignore it.  This may seem like a paradox because we are persistently told not to dwell on the negative.  Nevertheless, it is important to maintain positive thoughts in order to have this reflected in our outer reality and to learn love of self.  However, as we endeavor to be positive, it is our responsibility to deal with the negative parts (i.e., our insecurities) that we already possess.

As an example, look at a woman who strives to live her life positively.  Every day she endeavors to maintain positive thoughts and to be nice to those around her.  Assume that this woman is having a lot of trouble with her partner who belittles her about everything she does.  She does not want to be negative or cause tension and as such ignores the anger that is swelling within her at the way she is being treated.

This is a common situation among those who in an effort to be positive ignore the negative.  Without ever realizing it, by approaching life in this manner she has polarized to the other extreme—to the Light.

In this case, the woman is forgoing her own happiness in an effort to be “nice.”  She believes she is being positive by ignoring her anger, and might even consider it a virtue, but in reality she is suppressing her anger—her darkness.  This suppressed anger will then turn sour, like bad food in the stomach, and can affect other areas of her life.  When she ignores a negative attribute that emerges, she is ignoring the Dark within her that requires Light, that requires love of herself.  It is as if she is distancing herself from her true self.  Learning to love herself compassionately and unconditionally means loving all parts of herself.

By applying the power of compassion and unconditional love to all areas of our lives we see that there is purpose to both the Light and the Dark.  In the case of the woman above, she may see that her anger is a message from her soul saying, “This part of me needs to be healed!”  Compassion allows her to see the purpose in her Dark aspect as she uses awareness to evaluate what her pain is trying to tell her.  Maybe it is teaching her to be more resilient or to stand up for herself.  Ultimately, the feeling or thought reveals that there is a part within that is in pain and requires love and attention.  Using awareness, the Dark is transformed into Light; ignorance is transformed into understanding and wisdom.

Expressing and Releasing Your Dark Side

Embracing and releasing negative emotions are crucial processes both spiritually and psychologically.  The process of acknowledging and healing an insecurity can change our entire life experience.  Our subconscious mind affects every thought, feeling, and action as it draws on our beliefs of the world to help us interact with it.  Therefore, the fewer insecurities we harbor, the more confident, free, and happy we can be.

As has been stated, it is imperative that we do not ignore or suppress any part of ourselves.  The questions then arises as to how we actually deal with our darkness, for the main problem we face is that we do not desire to be negative or hurt another’s feelings in releasing our own. 

Encountering a negative emotion or thought—our darkness—we can undertake a thought process:

·         We acknowledge that we are feeling a negative thought, a negative energy

·         We give ourselves permission to feel the darkness

·         We allow ourselves to think about embracing the “Dark” in our thoughts, even imagining our behavior should we act on the darkness

·         We choose to not act on the darkness but to shine “Light” on it

·         We ask ourselves why the emotion has emerged

·         We ask ourselves if someone else is involved in our emotional turbulence.

Let’s look at Paul and Amy.  Paul is angry and feels overwhelmed by Amy’s energy.  He feels that Amy unloads her problems but does not seem to have time to listen to his problems.  Paul becomes increasingly upset and feels taken advantage of, but believes that saying something would be confrontational.

To begin, Paul can acknowledge that he is experiencing negative energy, and can give himself permission to feel it.  He can think, or even daydream, about actions he might undertake as he feels the “Dark” within, such as imagining that she has been restrained in a chair and must listen to him rant, even to the point of her crying, then smiling at her pain.  Because he loves and cares for her, he obviously chooses not to act on the darkness, but acknowledges that it is a part of who he is—his Self.  This shines Light onto it.

It is spiritually conducive for Paul’s growth to look within himself for the reasons he is feeling this way and not blame Amy for it; only something unhealed within us (a darkness) causes us to attack.  Such pain or darkness can only be felt if it is within us to begin with.   As Paul acknowledges his darkness and exposes it to the Light within him, borne of self-compassion and unconditional love, he would not be harmed by this external conflict for there is nothing within him open to harm.

In our example, Paul can ask himself , “why is the situation affecting me?”  Is the situation a lesson from the Universe or his soul telling him to listen to himself more?  Is Paul distracting himself from his own life by observing others’ problems and thereby ignoring his own life?  It is all very well to be concerned about others, but if we feel adversely, then we can know that something within us isn’t right.

Another lesson is for Paul to honor his own power and express himself compassionately.  As he looks within, it is important for Paul to inform Amy of how he feels, in a loving way.   Perhaps Amy may have something to learn from this; maybe it is a Dark part of her and she needs to listen more to others.  

By forcing ourselves to not express anything “bad” will only energize that emotion or thought further.  A negative emotion—a darkness within us—is only “bad” if we deem it to be so.  This is more polarity thinking!  By becoming compassionate and loving of ourselves, we can begin to see the positive in everything.  We acknowledge and express to ourselves the dark emotion or thought, and then release it, allowing it to be exposed to our “Light,”  We use our awareness and love to heal it, acknowledging to ourselves that we are developing a new learned strength!

It is important to release the emotion or thought before it becomes anger.  Anger is an energy that establishes blame, either on the perpetrator or on the recipient.  In essence, it is a belief that someone needs to victimize or is being victimized.  The subconscious mind can only read this as “I victimize people or people victimize me, giving others power over me.  I am weak!”  This thinking will likely permeate many thoughts, feelings, and actions in our lives.  The more we practice embracing and expressing what we feel, the more skilled we become at highlighting, and rapidly healing, the Dark within us.  Subsequently, we become more confident, secure, and happy.

 

Ways to Release Darkness

A very effective way to release our darkness is to write about it.  When we write our angry or upset words, we energetically release these words and allow them to come to the “Light” in our consciousness.   Too often, the thoughts and emotions that roam around in our heads are cluttered, chaotic, and formless.  As this happens, we can easily lose sight of what we are actually feeling.  This allows the emotion to constantly consume us and never be released.  Putting a pen or pencil to paper allows us to observe what we are feeling and thinking, letting the emotion out and releasing it.  (A pencil is arguably better because we can “bear down” or exert pressure on the pencil onto the paper, allowing strong emotion to flow through us onto our hand and be expressed through literal, physical, darker than normal words on the paper.)

Another way to release is through exercise.  It is an excellent method to release stored negativity.  By stimulating the physical body, we speed up the energy flow within and force negativity out of our normal positive states of being.  Some of have said that negativity is a “heavy vibration” and that our natural, usually happy and contented states are “high vibration.”  Running or even sprinting, kick-boxing,  hitting a punching bag, martial arts, swimming,  or even working hard in the “yard” are effective ways to release negativity.  And it really feels good afterwards!

Yet another way to release is through individual therapy or counseling.  This should be more than ranting about what is negative in one’s life.  It requires acknowledging our own darkness, not the perceived darkness of others or of situations.  It can be a safe environment in which to explore the underlying reasons of pain in one’s life, to explore why the actions of others affect one so greatly.    Making the connection between their behavior and our responses is not only insightful but also liberating.  A thoughtful therapist who recognizes his/her own darkness can help a person to identify his/her darkness, and can explore possible ways to embrace then release the various aspects of it.

  The darkness within us is a manifestation of pain within.   Luke Skywalker had to face the pain of his "dark side" in order to fully become a Jedi. Through embracing our "dark side," we offer love, healing, and Light to those parts of us, remembering that those parts of us are who we are in our entirety.  The more we face and love all parts of ourselves, the more connected, compassionate, and loving we will be to ourselves and to others around us.  Honoring our feelings, our whole selves, is a transformative, liberating experience.  It is the way to embrace the sacred beings that we already are!

St. Patrick's Day Musings

I took a "selfie" for the very first time this St. Patrick's Day afternoon.  I wanted to capture myself wearing a leprechaun hat given me recently at church.  Besides looking somewhat silly, the truth is that I do not know of any Irish blood in my veins.  My paternal grandfather's ancestry was from England (although those folks came to the US in the 17th Century).  My paternal grandmother immigrated to the US from Denmark in the early 20th Century.  My maternal grandfather's ancestry was also from England, and my maternal grandmother's ancestry is from Wales.  No Irish.

Some celebrate this day by wearing green (did you also notice the green shirt in the selfie)?  Some drink green beer.  Some municipalities with Irish populations put green dye in the local river.  It's a fun day to be a little silly.

St. Patrick's Day for me harks back to a time when Irish immigrants were just getting established and wished to connect with their culture and their home country.  As far as I have learned about their history, the Irish came to the US because of few or no economic opportunities because of the great Potato Famine, and when they arrived, they took whatever job they could find.  They were treated poorly by others whose forbears had immigrated earlier but who had become "Americanized" and assimilated into the melting pot that was the US in the 19th and early 20th Centuries.  In 2014, unless your last name is Macnamara or O'Grady, or some variation, you would be hard pressed to identify someone as being Irish (except on St. Patrick's Day!)

I was listening to talk radio this morning and the host had just returned from a cruise that stopped in a number of West African countries.  He made the observation, which was then confirmed by a man who had immigrated many years ago from Nigeria, and which I have had confirmed in years past, that Black Africans see African-Americans differently; that Black Americans talk and even walk differently.  It's almost like African-Americans have "swagger."  The host made the remark, that even though Blacks in the US call themselves "African-Americans," Blacks in Africa see them only as "Americans."  Men, women and children forced to the US to serve as slaves were treated very poorly, and while there are still economic challenges in their community and still some bigotry, much progress has been made, and many Black Americans have melted into the national pot.

Both the Irish and Blacks have had to fight for their rights.  They have had to overcome stereotypes, whispers, and economic challenges, among many other obstacles.  The majority, whose ancestors also immigrated at one time or another, have had to challenge themselves, and in some case, be challenged, to grant equality to all.  The world of 2014 is very different from that of the 19th and 20th Century in terms of acceptance of minorities; much progress has been made.  Who would have thought in the 1960s that there would be a Black President of the United States less than 50 years later, elected because of the support of the white majority?

Even though other minorities are struggling to lay hold of the American Dream in our day, the LGBT community (lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender) is most outspoken in wanting and demanding equality.  They too are faced with overcoming stereotypes, whispers, and prejudices, especially by some people who profess belief in a loving God, and if truly believers should reflect that love.  And while some may fear that the LGBT militancy is threatening the very fiber of society, those same thoughts were had by the majority, of the Irish and the Blacks, among others.  And here we are in 2014, with challenges to be sure, but with the greatest equality the US has known in its history.

So Happy St. Patrick's Day to all the Irish-Americans. You have successfully integrated yourselves into just Americans!  If I were a drinking man, I'd tip one in your honor.  Because I'm not, I'll just wear my silly green leprechaun hat, green shirt, and Happy St. Patrick's Day badge, and pretend I'm Irish!

   

 

The Fourth Step & My Son

For those readers who don't know, I am a psychotherapist who specializes in, but is not limited in my scope of practice, to sexual addiction.  I meet with people who often are powerless over their "inappropriate" sexual activities and whose lives have become quite unmanageable as a result. If that wording seems vaguely familiar, it is a paraphrase of the First Step of the Twelve Steps to Recovery.

From 2009 through 2012, I was involved with the LDS Church's Addiction Recovery Program (ARP).  Similar to Alcoholics Anonymous, Sexaholics Anonymous, and other addiction recovery programs, the ARP ultilizes in its group meetings the Twelve Steps to Recovery that the "Anonymous" world uses, only with an LDS spin. During this time, I led multiple "addicts" groups.

It was while I was involved with leading ARP groups that I came to really understand the Twelve Steps of Recovery.  Although the LDS Twelve Steps are slightly different than those used by AA, NA, SA, etc., the basic ideas are the same.  I came to understand the importance of the Twelve Steps, be they LDS or not.  I came to understand how important and necessary each Step is.  I came to understand the importance of their sequence. Perhaps most importantly, I came to understand their power in the lives of those who really "work the Steps."

This latter understanding was reconfirmed once again as I recently spoke again with my son about his recovery from chemical addiction (specifically heroin). I am so proud that he has four years' sobriety, as of last week. I know that sobriety does not always mean recovery; real recovery occurs when when the "addict" comes to understand the reasons underlying their addictive behaviors, and takes measures to deal with those issues. In his case, real recovery is occuring.

Happily and gratefully, my son is gaining ever increasing understanding about those underlying reasons.  He was ignorant of them during his thirteen years or so of chemical addiction, and it wasn't until he reached "rock bottom" and checked into the rehab in San Pedro, California, called Beacon House, that he was really introduced to them.  It wasn't until he fully opened himself to them that significant progress was made. He opened up to the possibility that his best thinking wasn't working; that he didn't have the answers; that if he didn't change course soon he would either be in prison or dead. (His words!)

He credits his intense work with the Twelve Steps, the literature of recovery, the staff and director of the Beacon House, his therapist, and God, for his progress thus far. He also credits being able to serve, and work with, new arrivals for helping confirm his new path.  But any recovering addict will tell you, however, that recovery is "one day at a time," and my son understands that completely. 

Because he and I share a great love and appreciation for the Twelve Steps, our recent discussion for me seemed to center on the importance in his recovery (and may I say, it must be in every Twelve Step adherent's recovery) of a fearlessly honest Fourth Step.  That step reads in the LDS Twelve Steps (it's almost identical to the non-LDS Fourth Step):

Make a searching and fearless written moral inventory of yourself.

It involves being brutally honest about yourself, beginning in one's early years and continuing to the present.  It involves introspectively looking at one's behaviors, one's thoughts, one's environment, one's poor choices, and writing it all down. Done correctly, one's life is laid bare in all its dysfunction, and the painful scenarios almost always begin in one's childhood.

With the help of others who had been through the process as "addicts" themselves and who knew when someone wasn't going "deep enough" into their Fourth Step family of origin issues, he came to realize just how dysfunctional he had become as an adult as a result of unresolved childhood issues.  He came to understand how deep those issues were.  He came to see that this process was his chance to make a significant change in his life. He also came to realize that ultimately he could not effect this profound change without God's help, because his own best thinking had not produced a good life.

That brutally honest Fourth Step made all the difference for him.  It helped create a kind of road map for him to follow on his journey to recovery. He finally began to reconstruct his life with God's help and the help of supporters at the Beacon House. 

The Beacon House staff encouraged him to have very limited contact with his mother and me--and for that matter, his siblings--because of the dynamics uncovered in his Fourth Step. That work involved putting me and the rest of our family dynamics "under a microscope."  Even after four years, my contact with him is on his terms, rarely more than once a month, as he continues to work through his family of origin issues that powered his addiction.  

Our recent conversation about the Fourth Step and family of origin issues was somewhat difficult for me because I felt that even though he was ultimately responsible for his addictive acting-out, I was part of the dysfuction. I had to own the concept that I had my own inadequecies as he was growing up--my own stuff--and that my own stuff sometimes got in the way of being the father that he needed me to be. I have beaten myself up about this in the past, and even though I have forgiven myself, it sometime still hurts to recognize what I did or didn't do for him. 

He owns the fact that, at the end of the day, he was/is responsible for addiction. Only he can do the heavy lifting of recovery work.  Only he can continue humbling himself and listening to veterans of the road to recovery. Only he can make wise, correct choices going forward.

But what a turn-around he has made!  His future is bright.  He is in the last semester of a four semester course at California State--Dominguez Hills University to become licensed to be a Drug & Alcohol Rehabilitation Counselor. 

I thank Bill W. and Dr. Bob for acting on their inspiration and authoring the Twelve Steps of Recovery so many years ago, ideas that have helped literally millions of people, and in particular, one person so dear to my heart.