THE YEAR 2013 IN REVIEW

As 2013 comes to a close, I wanted to review this eventful year.  It was jam packed with memorable events and people, and since this is a blog/journal of my life, it seems appropriate to now look back with words and some pictures:

• New Years Day spent at the Rose Parade with my siblings, Tom & Darlene, and their spouses, Janeen and Bill.  The six of us had planned on this for over a year, and we finally did it.  It was a great opportunity for the six of us to bond and strengthen family ties in a fun setting.
• Remodel of our kitchen into a diner.  Another thing that we had planned ever since we move into our home in Tujunga.  We decided to remove every remnant of the kitchen except our vintage and incredibly accurate O'Keefe & Merritt range/oven, our light fixtures, and the window shutters.  I wrote about this in an earlier posting. 
  
  Walls are variations on white, back splashes are white tile with primary colored (and some black) tiles, black Corian countertops, a custom red naugahyde breakfast booth with a gray, boomerang and chrome table, black and white vinyl flooring, and new refrigerator, microwave, and dishwasher.  It really is quite a stunning sight for our home built in 1950.
• My freeway car stall and brush with death #1.  This was anything but planned.  My Prius came to stop in a freeway lane of traffic.  It is by the grace of God (and finally a highway patrolman who arrived about ten minutes later) that I survived this terrifying experience.  I wrote about this in an earlier posting.
• Our weekend at Big Bear.  A delightful time in the snow with our friends, the Lees, in a cabin of one of their friends.  
• River Running the Kern River for our 35th Wedding Anniversary.  Ann and I decided to not act our age and celebrate our anniversary in a large rubber raft with paddles shooting the rapids on a river in Central California.  Unlike the last time we went, we did not have to stop the car on the highway to wait for some sauntering cows!
• A beautiful Descanso Garden Day.  I had read about the cherry blossoms of nearby Descanso Gardens, and armed with my camera from last Christmas and enjoying a warm day, I took pictures all over the place.  I displayed some of those pictures in an earlier posting.
• Attendance at exciting BYU volleyball games.  BYU, my alma mater, had a fantastic men's volleyball team.  Either accompanying my buddy, Ed Johnson, or going alone, I attended a number of games played in Southern California. The team won the title of their difficult conference, but lost in the National Championship game to UC Irvine.  Arrrrgh.  By the way, it was returning from their win over UC Irvine at UC Irvine's arena that I had my first brush with death on the freeway.  

• Trip to Maryland and New York for nephew's wedding and for spending time with New Jersey family.  We took advantage of attending a wedding and reception of my nephew, Philip Johnson, in Maryland and New Jersey respectively, to spend some time with Emily & Adam and their brood, and to walk around the Mall near the White House/Capitol.  

  

  Korean War Memorial Reflection

  Besides spending time with the Johnsons and Emily & Adam and their brood, we were able to also go to New York City and attend the Museum of Art, Central Park, and Ground Zero memorial.  I wrote about some of this experience and post some pictures in an earlier posting.
• Seeing son Doug graduate from Army basic training and from medic training.  Ann attended the basic training graduation along with Doug's son, Daniel at Fort Sill, Oklahoma.  I attended his graduation from medic training at Fort Sam Houston, Texas.  I wrote about this experience in an earlier posting.
• Surprising Ann with a Flamenco date night.  Ann had no idea as we began this night which involved eating at a Spanish restaurant specializing in Spanish tapas and then being treated to some honest-to-goodness flamenco dancing accompanied by guitar and drum.
  
   It was truly an amazing and magical night.
• The death of my friend, Stan Klock.  This was a completely unexpected event that happened as a result of Stan being killed while riding his bicycle.  I had known him from my years in the Southern California Mormon Choir.  I attended the funeral which was very memorable.  He was a good man, and loved by many who knew him.
• My head-on collision, brush with death #2, and my hospitalization.  I am still amazed that I cheated death twice this year.  My car was totaled, I suffered three fractured ribs, a hurt sternum, left clavicle, and right foot, and came dangerously close to a collapsed lung.  As it was, the medical staff was afraid that I might get pneumonia because of the fluid at the bottom of my right lung.  As it was, I spent four very uncomfortable days, but was visited by a number of friends and family.
• Our trip to the Palm Springs, California area.  I was still not at 100% physically when it came time to go to Palm Springs, but since we had made the plans to go with our friends, the McClendons, we made the trip. 

  

  The Above-ground San Andreas Fault in the Background

  We had a wonderful time riding the steep tram to the top and back of the nearby mountain (near Idyllwild), sitting in a hot tub, going on a Jeep ride (ouch!) to an above-ground part of the San Andreas Fault, eating out, and shopping (Ann bought two swim suits at one store; Marie bought three!). 
• Wonderful Thanksgiving and Christmas interactions with BJ.  Because my #3 child and first-born son BJ still lives at (and now works for) the Beacon House in San Pedro, California, he is limited as to the interaction we have with him.  This was our second year to go to the House the night before Thanksgiving to help him and some of the guys there to prepare food for their Thanksgiving outreach to the nearby homeless.  We decided to give BJ a Christmas present of cooking up goodies for him to give to the guys at the House.  We are so appreciative of the staff there that have helped BJ turn his life around, and feel to do whatever we can to help the House any way we can.
• Visiting the Huntington Gardens and taking grandson Daniel there on Santa Day.  I had only been once before and only briefly so it was almost a new experience to visit part of the grounds of the Huntington in nearby San Marino.  The grounds were breathtaking, and sensing that we could spend many days here over a year's time, we decided to buy a year membership.  As a result, we were invited to bring children to see Santa, and we decided to bring Daniel. 
  
  He did fine until it was time to sit on his lap.  No way!  But he did allow his grandmother to hold him in Santa's chair while Santa stood behind it.
• Experiencing work related connections and completing my 3000 hours for licensure.  I continued to work for A&A Wiping Cloth as a salesman and felt supported by Jeremy and the staff there.  They are good people.  I also had many memorable experiences with the staff of Center for New Directions, not to mention the increasing number of clients I saw in my one-on-one therapy sessions.  I really do enjoy working with these people although sometimes it is excruciatingly difficult.
• My involvement with the missionaries and leadership of my church congregation.  I was called to be a Mission Leader, and as such had the opportunity to interact with good people who are sincere and who really care for those around them.  I particularly enjoyed getting to know better the head of my congregation, Bishop Bob(by) Bigelow. 
  
• Great times with our friends, the Lees.  Not having much extended family in Southern California on either side, and with many if not most of our good friends living in Utah, we have felt somewhat isolated.  This year saw the intensifying of our friendship with Kent and Kathy Lee.  Kent was the person who called me to be the Bishop of the Young Single Adult congregation, and we have kept in touch since then.  In 2013, besides spending time with them at Big Bear, we have gone out to dinner and a movie with them (or seen a movie in their home), been invited over to partake in Cathy's French-trained culinary delights, and just hung out with them. 
• Our year-end trip to New Jersey for Christmas.  "Pumpa and Gee-ma" packed their winter woolies to journey east to spend "this most wonderful time of the year: with the four grandbabies.  They spent wonderful times with the kids in the brisk, chilly air.  We were blessed with snow on Christmas Eve and we were listened to carolers at the door.  Christmas morning was complete chaos, but then, what can you expect?  We were pleased to send Emily and Adam on a night away at a bed and breakfast the night before we returned home, giving them built-in babysitters.  The trip was a fitting way to conclude an eventful year!

A Tribute to Emily and Adam

It all started on September 3, 2010, when my daughter Emily gave birth to a fraternal set of triplets.  This event came after bearing a daughter Elizabeth some two years earlier.  The two boys and a girl came very unexpectedly; Emily had not taken fertility drugs nor was there any history of multiple births on the Davis side of the family,  She and Adam had planned to have a second child and make a decision about future children afterwards.  But they went from one to four children in one day, and this young couple's life was forever changed.

My wife had traveled to Brooklyn, New York, some three weeks before the planned "c-section" to help Emily in the last stages of her pregnancy.  I went to help out a couple of weeks after their births which came off without a glitch, all three near 6 lbs., and all healthy.  We went from the Pacific Coast to the Atlantic Coast because there was only Adam's mother and little sister in the area, some five hours or so north in upstate New York.  Adam and Emily had moved east from Utah after both of them had graduated from Brigham Young University where they had met.  He worked at the time and still works for a large international book publisher based in Manhattan, and as such were living some miles away in a second story, 700 square foot apartment.  

They quickly outgrew this two-bedroom apartment with no air conditioning, dishwasher, washer or dryer,  parking, or elevator to get the newborns from the second floor to the first floor.  If Adam wasn't there because of work, it was a major production for Emily to get four kids down to the first floor, much less to get them to their mini-van they had been forced to buy which was parked where ever they could finagle a parking spot. They fashioned a special stroller/wagon that allowed older sister Elizabeth to stand to the rear while the three babies sat in front of her.  They hired a mother's helper after the church members finally stopped helping, allowing Emily to go to the laundromat, go grocery shopping, or do a chore. 

In those early days, life was a perpetual round of diaper changing (approximately 6 changes X 3 kids per day), bottles (about that many also), sleep deprivation, and just trying to cope with everyday challenges.  That grind continued for well over a year, including two months when they came to California for Christmas and stayed.  (For a taste of this insanity, please read my posting of "Eddie's 24-Hour Diary,")  Through it all, Emily and Adam managed to keep their physical and mental health, coping with incredible challenges that would exhaust less committed parents.

They needed to move, and did so when the triplets were a few months short of the age of two.  It was a nice rented home in Rutherford, New Jersey, which made their lives easier--but not easy.  It had off-street parking, a fenced side yard with grass,  dishwasher, washer and dryer, a nice kitchen, and space to run around in.  It was a little bit farther for Adam to commute to Midtown Manhattan, but it was well worth the additional time.  During these better days, Emily managed to toilet train the triplets all at once, no small feat by any stretch.  She and Adam also got them into the routine of family time together, family prayer and scripture time -- such as it was, weekly church attendance, setting the table for the kids, among others.  

Their local church congregations had proved to be a godsend because of the young couples that also attended with similar-aged children.  Emily particularly made some good friends that made her life somewhat more bearable.  Adam faithfully fielded calls at work when Emily needed him, and after work hit the ground running when he arrived home, changing diapers, bathing kids, occasionally cooking, and always doing the dishwashing chore.  Adam asked for received a sizable raise to better support his family of six, but without a second income, their wants and needs were always modest.  

Regrettably, the woman who had rented out this nice home in a nice New Jersey suburb decided that she wanted to re-occupy the home, and gave them just a short time to vacate and find a new place.  As they have done all along in their capacities as parents, they put their game faces on and found another place to rent.  This place, some 15 or so minutes away from the previous place (but not much longer of a commute into the City for Adam), was not as nice with as many amenities.  It is at this three-story, four-bedroom lodging where I find myself at this Christmas season.

The older sister is five but missed the kindergarten age cutoff by less than a month and as such is home much of the daytime.  The triplets are three years old.  All four children are all incredibly strong willed.  All four children are all talkative and full of energy.  All four children behave as children do at their age, playing, roughhousing, fighting, sometimes refusing to eat, needing their bottoms wiped, wanting their own ways, crying and sometimes screaming, and testing Adam and Emily's parenting skills to the extreme.  Their home is in perpetual entropy, and it is all Emily and Adam can do to keep up with the kids and keep the house somewhat organized (which they do a great job in accomplishing).  Imagine being a stay-at-home mother of these four children five years of age and younger.  Pure daily exhaustion!

So at this moment, the din of the day has subsided.  My wife and Emily are wrapping the last of the Christmas presents, the live Christmas tree is sparkling in the reflection of the window that has lights around it, and our energies are spent having kept the home fires burning (and having taken the four energy packets to see Santa Claus at the library), I wanted share with my blog readers the difficult life these two have, and to pay tribute to my wonderful daughter and her wonderful husband.  I simply could not do what they do day in and day out, much less when I was their age.  I am amazed that these two thirty-somethings have the patience to deal with such energetic children.  And while neither of them would say that they are doing a great job as parents, or as spouses (the pressure that the kids put on their marriage is indescribable), they are managing well enough.  I would challenge any couple to deal with the non-stop challenges that this little family of six experiences every day.  

I am SO PROUD of these two kids.  I love this little New Jersey family.    

Late Fall at Huntington Gardens

Close to Pasadena where we both work, there is a breathtakingly beautiful place called Huntington Gardens.  We went there recently to enjoy natural beauty and to give me a chance to satisfy my artistic photographic yearnings.  We hope to return multiple times--we barely scratched the surface of what is available in this Edenic place. I thought I would share this first installment with you.  Hope you enjoy these!

Overlooking the Splendor of the Japanese Garden

The Beauty of the Arched Bridge of the Japanese Garden

Looking Up at the Tea House in the Japanese Garden.  Breathtaking!

A Tea House Room with Tatami (Rice Mat Floor).  What We Slept on in Japan.

Beautiful Irises

Fun Blooms I've Never Seen Before

Beautiful Golden Fall Ginkgo Leaves

Bonsai Look of a Planted Bush

Be Still My Heart!  A Japanese Rock Garden!

Wonderful Bonsai

Another Aesthetic Bonsai

One More Bonsai.  Can't Get Enough of Them

A Bamboo Shrouded Path

Love Bamboo!

Garden of Eden Beautiful

More Lush Beauty

Just Gorgeous!

A Breathtaking Pond

Seen From the Other Side

Barrel Cactus in Desert Garden

The Beauty of the Desert Garden

More Desert Beauty

Even the Rocks Were Beautiful

Listening, Learning, and Loving

The past three blog postings have dealt with the intense, heart-wrenching, challenging stories of gays and lesbians trying to reconcile their LDS religious beliefs with their un-chosen sexual orientation.  The stories have moved and profoundly touched me.  I could post more stories of others in this community, but I have other thoughts and feelings that I want to explore on my blog.  I want to share where I am  now, for better or for worse, in what I have come to call "The Struggle."  I do so unapologetically.

Some who read my blog may already be aquainted with a website titled: mormonstories.org.  It contains hundreds of hours of interview, most by John Dehlin, whom I have come to appreciate and admire for his courage to examine difficult (and some not so difficult) issues of life, and issues within the Church.  In one of his recent offerings, he posted a talk on Novmeber 21st given at Utah State University.  It was given under the auspices of TED Talks, a great resource for learning all kinds of things from all kinds of experts.  His topic was about why he is an "LGBT Ally," and in it he talked about three concepts that he has come to embrace over the past 15 years or so since being confronted by his own prejudices and biases regarding gays and lesbians.  He challenges his listeners to listen, to learn, and to love.  I have taken his challenge, and will spend the balance of this posting writing about my journey.

I have to believe that most members of the Church who are quick to condemn those with same-gender attraction, who talk disparingly of those who seek to have a normal relationship with someone of their own gender, and who bristle when opining on those who want to have the same rights and priviledges as heterosexual couples, have not actually spent a significant period of time listening to such a person, much less with a conflicted or completely out member of the Church.   They likely have not made the effort to listen, to try to understand what these people think and feel.  I find it ironic because I believe that if Jesus Christ were on the earth in 2013, he would not shun them, but would listen to them, engage them in conversation, and love them.  I believe that He is at the head of the Church, so why wouldn't I follow His example as I am taught to do over the pulpit and in my classes, and do what He would do?

I have listened to some gays and lesbians in the non-LDS as well as the LDS communities.   I am touched by their humanity, their realness.  Those who are LDS share the heart-wrenching conflict between belief and the reality of their lives, most having prayed to not have the feelings they have, and most having experienced some sort of suicide ideation at one point or another.  These children of God are not evil, sinister, filthy, perverted, sex-crazed individuals.  They are like heterosexuals, just wanting to be accepted and loved like I am.  Many do not feel safe to come out to family and friends; they live in fear of rejection and condemnation, or worse.

When we choose to not understand others, when we hide behind our rigid piety, and dismiss others as sinners or less than us, we do so out of fear, and not out of love--perfect love casts out all fear.  It is easier to not confront what we do not know, to not confront the legitimate thoughts and feelings of others whose behavior we find at odds with our own beliefs, to consider them less than us.  Look at how the Jews were treated at the hands of many Germans during the late 30s and early 40s of the last century, or how many Blacks in the US have been treated throughout our nation's history.  By choosing to not engage those who are different than us, we protect ourselves from having to deal with our own uneasiness and vulnerability.  Vulnerability takes courage.  It takes challenging the emotional wall we build around ourselves for emotional protection.

I have learned just how difficult their lives can be.  Many are told to pray a little harder, read scriptures a little longer, and to just fall in love with someone of the opposite gender.  Just imagine, my heterosexual readers and friends, what you would do if someone you really respected counseled you to engage in homosexual behavior.  How would that make you feel? Could you?  Too bad if you're gay or lesbian and can't find your way to make yourself do that.  You're consigned to try to function in a family-oriented Church as a celibate, never to enjoy the love of a caring partner in this life. It is very easy for heterosexuals within the Church to tell a gay or lesbian member to just get married, or stay celibate.  And, as I have posted previously, gay and lesbian people receive different treatment from Church leadership regarding chastity than heterosexuals do.

While some LGBT people do not opt for a monogamous relationship, many heterosexuals likewise do not choose to do that.  While some LGBT are militant in their "gayness,"  they are "out and proud," many long as heterosexuals do to find "the one" and love that person wholly and completely for the rest of their lives.  While some LDS are lucky enough to have a congregational leader who is supportive and loving, many gays and lesbians are not only afraid to talk about their sexual orientation with them, but if they are finally courageous enough to do so, are given counsel that is neither accurate, nor uplifting, nor consistent.  Having been an LDS leader myself, we strive to counsel with the "Spirit," but what comes out of our mouths can often be based on falsehoods, our own decisions, our own opinions.  Just because something is written in the Handbook does not mean that it is the correct and optimal counsel to give to a tender-hearted, conflicted son or daughter of God.  Weren't the Pharisees all about the letter of the law, and not about the Spirit of the law?

I am learning to love these brothers and sisters, LDS or not.  As I have written in other postings, I see people on a "horizontal" basis and not on a "vertical" basis.  In other words, I see them as my equal--I am not above them and they are not below me  I truly believe that Heavenly Father is my Father and that I am one of His sons, and the gay, lesbian, bi-sexual, or transgender person in front of me (yes, I have met and gotten to know and appreciate a transgender individual) is my spiritual brother or sister.  He wouldn't shun or avoid them, speak evil of them, ridicule them, or disown them, so why should I?  He would try to make their burden lighter.  He would put His arms around them and hold them tight.  He would speak words of encouragement and love to them.  And I believe He would tell them that they are not exceptions to His mandate that "men [and women] are that they might have joy."

So yes, I guess my journey has brought me to a point that I can say that I too am an LGBT Ally.  I don't know if this might somehow affect my membership in some way, but I can no longer be a fence sitter.  I know what my Leaders say, but like John Dehlin believes, I believe in miracles, and I believe that doctrines and practices can change, as some have throughout the history of the Church.  I believe this "doctrine" will change. I hope so, for these my brothers and sisters.

    

The Josh Weed Story

Josh and Lolly

In my continuing, intense journey about my feelings about "same gender attraction" in the LDS milieu, I chose to post the story of Josh Weed from his own website (joshweed.com).  Josh, who is gay, decided to go against the odds and get married to his long time friend Lolly (a 2011 study by John Dehlin at Utah State University of over 1500 LGBT people found that approximately 75% of gay people getting married heterosexually end up getting a divorce).  At their ten-year anniversary, (he had come out to Lolly many years prior their marriage) he decided to announce on his Internet blog that he was indeed gay.

As you'll recall from my previous blog posting, getting married to someone of the opposite gender is the Third Option a gay or lesbian member of the LDS Church has.  For much of the late 20th Century and beginning of the 21st Century, the Church promoted this path as the "best way" to deal with "same-gender attraction."  The Church has since backed off from this stance. (see mormonsandgays.org)  As you read his story, you will come to understand his spiritual values, and likely, underlying reasons why he is at peace with his "gayness" and how his marriage has lasted as long as it has.

What you will read regrettably does not deal specifically with his particular story of deciding to get married.  I believe he considers that a little too sacred to be put out on the Internet, and while he posted it briefly on his blog, he quickly took it down.  What you will read about are his experiences and thoughts about being gay.  You will also read the written tender feelings of a female lesbian Latter-day Saint in her thirties about whom Josh comes to know.

Be mindful as you read his story of the recurring theme in my recent postings of contemplated suicide  Josh likewise contemplated this drastic action which has become increasingly common among young  gays and lesbians in the Church.  Suicide is often seen as the only way out of the tremendous self-loathing and/or confusion they feel.  Also, be aware of the recurring theme of uneven, uninformed, inconsistent methods used by congregational leaders.

When I was a 14-year-old gay kid living in a home where my dad was a seminary teacher (Seminary is an LDS religion class) by trade and in the Stake Presidency of our stake (Stake is equivalent to a Catholic diocese), you can imagine my life was very confusing. I wish I could show you just a glimpse of how confusing being gay as a Mormon teenager is. I wish I could mind-meld with each of you so you could see how disturbing it is to be told your whole life that family is the most important thing on this earth, and to then find yourself, somehow, horrifyingly, attracted to your same gender. It's so confusing. It's so terrifying. It's so lonely. You don't have guy friends to relate to and bond over common sexual attraction because you're attracted to guys. Girls are into guys, and your relationships with them are weird and ultra-close, but somehow not totally fulfilling. You end up feeling very, very, very alone.

Let me take you through some of my youth. Put yourself in my shoes, for a moment.

Imagine being bullied severely at school for being effeminate. Imagine being taunted daily about being a girl in a boy's body, about being a faggot, and being queer and being a pervert. Imagine people openly mocking you. Imagine being thrown in a garbage can. Imagine being pointed at and laughed at and verbally assaulted as you walk down the hall. Imagine people calling you disgusting, not letting you sit by them. Imagine close friends no longer associating with you as unfounded rumors about your sexuality spread through your school. Imagine the horror as those rumors spread. Imagine the rejection, the humiliation.

This is seventh grade. I am 12.

Imagine not being able to form any authentic friendships because most everyone you know has joined in on the bullying. Not to mention that you could never let anyone know what is really going on inside of you--especially now.

Imagine having fantasies that you know are culturally despised. Imagine having secret crushes on the guys in your quorums and your classrooms as the years pass. Imagine that as they tell you about the girls they think are hot, the only thing on your mind is how you think they are hot. Imagine how isolating this is. How confusing it is. How humiliating it is to feel normal, romantic longings and to have them be towards people who could never reciprocate--who would be utterly repulsed to know you were attracted to them. Who might even respond violently. Imagine this awkwardness--the conversations it lends itself to, the moments of going red in the face and wishing you could disappear into nothingness. Imagine changing in a locker room and being sexually attracted to everyone changing around you--how embarrassing that is, how terrified you would feel that somebody might find out. How worried you would be that you'd get your face kicked in if anyone knew your secret--but what could you do? Gym is required. Changing is required.

Imagine how isolated you would feel to know that nobody had feelings like you--that you were an anomaly. Weird and disturbed. Perverted and gross. Imagine how you'd feel as you heard teachers say being gay was "sick and wrong" and heard peers talk about how they'd beat the crap out of anyone they knew was gay. Imagine how scary that real threat feels to a youth. Imagine having nobody to talk to or relate to. No normalcy, no camaraderie, no safe place.

This was my life. This was my daily reality. This was what my adolescence felt like, day after day after day.

Now imagine having a testimony of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. Imagine the peace you feel in praying and feeling answers to your prayers. Imagine feeling God's love and true acceptance. Imagine knowing, deeply in your heart through the spirit, that Joseph Smith really did see God and Christ in the grove; that the pages you read in the Book of Mormon are true. Imagine feeling that book's power every time you read it. Imagine getting confirmation after spiritual confirmation that the church is true, is where you belong. Imagine how comforting it is to know you belong somewhere, and the God really does love you.

Now I want you to imagine being this age, at this developmental point of crisis, and hearing some of the rhetoric of decades past about homosexuality. I want you to imagine reading books by prophets, or seeing pamphlets and conference talks, in which homosexuality--this thing that you already hate about yourself, and that you are already terrified of, and that makes you the target of ridicule and abuse--is called an abomination. In which you are told that it is comparable to bestiality and murder. That it is vile and repugnant. I want you to imagine reading, as I did at age 13, about how unfortunate it is that homosexuality is no longer punishable by death as it was in Mosiac law. That the fact that homosexual acts are no longer punishable by death is a sign of the moral degradation of our society. Imagine these words coming from apostles and prophets. Imagine them saying that my sexual orientation is my fault, is a perversion, is the result of my own actions, that I brought it on myself somehow as a 12/13/14 year old Mormon boy who had never even seen a rated R movie, and who grew up in a nearly perfect household with no history of abuse or trauma. Imagine them saying it was the result of selfishness, or that it wasn't real. Imagine them saying that if I just try hard enough it would be taken away, and then waking up every single day to the knowledge that, though I beg and plead and callous my knees at my bedside pleading desperately for that miracle, nothing has changed. Imagine how false those misguided words sound. How painful. How disturbing it is to read, from men I trust and esteem as prophets, that I am evil, that these attractions that I never chose, if I ever acted on them, should be worthy of death. Imagine how this compounds with all of the other trauma and abuse and harassment I am experiencing as a gay youth in this society.

I'm trying to be very, very careful as I write about this. I have decided not to include the specific, cited quotes in an effort not to disparage good men I love. Because I have chosen to do this, there will be a contingency of my readers who will say "that never happened! Those things were never uttered! Impossible." I am telling you, this happened. I am telling you, these were things that I read from our leaders as a 14 year old, coming to terms with my life as a gay Mormon. I am telling you that this is real. Research it if you must, but I promise you will find exactly what I just described. And that is not to mention the litany of horrible things said by local leaders and teachers, and, worst of all peers in the church as I was growing up--each time, piercing my heart, making me feel vulnerable and at risk and scared and horrible about myself.

There is a reason gay Mormon youth have an extremely high suicide rate. There is a reason I often contemplated death as I was growing up. And as I've stated many times before, I had it good. At very least my parents--even though they didn't know quite what to do to help me--believed me and supported me. Thanks be to God.

I'm sorry to take this post to such a bleak, depressing place, but it is in going to this place that you will understand why some of the talks we heard this conference about the issue of homosexuality, while being the current word of the Brethren of the church on this matter and therefore more important to me than any other writings on the subject (including a blog post by a gay married blogger about same sex marriage), are really, really hard to hear for some gay people. Why those words re-open old wounds. Why they feel insensitive. I'm not saying I am ignoring those words. I'm not saying they were wrong. I'm not saying I don't support my leaders. I do support my leaders. 100%. What I am saying is that it is more difficult and complex than you probably imagine for some people to hear things like that. I am saying that to hear declarative utterances about "not condoning" and "tolerance" of gay people brings back decades of trauma for many.

There is a legacy of harsh, incorrect rhetoric coming from the pulpit about this issue. It was rhetoric that caused great distress and/or false hope. That rhetoric, over time, has largely shifted and been corrected, and I'm so grateful about that. It is a miracle. However, as a gay person, or a person who supports gay family members, it can be very, very difficult to hear harsh declarative statements about anything having to do with this issue and not wonder if it is not an unfortunate continuation of that legacy.

I choose to support the brethren. I choose to give the benefit of the doubt. I choose to have faith and be believing. I choose to have patience and allow the Lord time to reveal to his servants that which they need to know. I have good reason for doing this. Doing so has brought great blessings to my life. But what I'm saying is that doing this can be a struggle for some good, faithful people at times--a true stretch--a genuine act of faith. And that's okay.

Recently I was at the gym with my friend Konrad and he said "you have to see this coming-out post of a friend of mine." He handed me his phone and I read it not knowing what to expect, but definitely not anticipating being as moved as I was by her words. I was stunned at their power. I want to share her thoughts with you as they relate to what I'm saying here.

Her name is Emily Stephens. She's in her thirties and is a writer. Her coming out was accidental. She responded to a thread on a group called Mormons Building Bridges, and didn't realize it was open to all her Facebook friends to see. Her words are powerful and very direct. In asking where the post came from, she said she was very moved when a non-SSA member was perplexed at some of the harshness that has surrounded the issue of homosexuality in the recent conference. Here are Emily's quotes below, in response to a posting of a girl named Jann:

I am active LDS, served a mission, attend the temple. I love to serve in YWs (Young Women--a girl's youth organization)! I love to pay a full tithe! And, I pray every night that Heavenly Father will be merciful and let me die. I've survived being LDS and gay for 13 years, sometimes barely. I figured it out when I was 22. The messages this weekend conveyed to me exactly what you wrote. I must acknowledge that. I'd like to ignore those talks and only think about Uchtdorf's (in the leadership of the LDS Church) talk, but I heard their words. My heart has felt their words. They aren't going away. They aren't even new words. It is what has been said for years. I have a testimony of the gospel. So, I don't understand why my church hates me so much. Why do they insist repeatedly that I am vile? Why am I targeted at all? Because I "love" wrong? 

 I am terrified of people in my stake finding out I am gay. Though I am more than sure they suspect. In the past, I had a loving and compassionate bishop tell me that if people found out, my calling with the youth would be in jeopardy. Just if they found out I am "gay." I have never been kissed in my entire life. Never held hands. I've loved secretly and deeply in my heart, but was taught to do so with the greatest of shame.  

It is often suggested that same-sex marriage is the root cause of the degradation of the family--how is that possible? If we are to be discussing vile at Conference (twice yearly world-wide gatherings of LDS members and guests), why aren't we talking about pornography, infidelity, deadbeat parents, addictions, abuse, the objectification of women, pregnancy outside of wedlock. And when we discuss those things which truly threaten the family, why aren't we doing so with compassion, asking "how can we help?" instead of the fearful, "how can I isolate my family from the world?"  

Jann, I want to praise members like you who are brave enough to ask these questions. I want to thank members who are courageous enough to see the disparity and deeply feel the pain it causes and are willing to succor people like me nonetheless. It is brothers and sisters like you that successfully place my backside in that pew every Sunday to partake of the sacrament. It is you who gives me hope, especially in a place where being willing to see us with compassion is an insurmountable task. God bless you.

She then started being asked why, if things are so difficult as a gay Mormon, she stays in the church. This was the response, which is what I read in the gym that morning that so moved me:

For those who saw my post on Mormons Building Bridges yesterday, someone asked me why I stay: I doubt just as many others do. I have so many reasons to quit. So, why do I stay? 

I stay because I have received a witness of the truthfulness of the Book of Mormon, because I believe in Christ's teachings we are meant to emulate, because I believe a 14-year-old boy's prayer was answered by God and Jesus Christ in the woods of NY. I have witnessed miracles wrought by faith and priesthood power. I stay because of the many good works I see. I stay because this goodness far outweighs the bad. I stay because of those kindred few whom I have told my truth that still love and support me.  

I stay because I made a promise to Heavenly Father in the temple to keep covenants that I believe in. I stay amidst the consensus attitude of "one must be adamantly against GAY PERSONS or else one is somehow condoning the ACTS of homosexuality" because there are people who have changed and show compassion, understanding, and unconditional love no matter how a person "acts." Christ commanded us to love, not tolerate. I AM my acts. I stay because I believe in people. I believe in the atonement. I believe hearts and minds can be changed. I believe we can improve.  

Lastly, I stay because I had no one like me to look up to when I was growing up--that is the loneliest of realities. I stay to give a face and a name, a testimony and sense of humor to Mormon and gay. I stay because I am equal parts Mormon and equal parts gay, and always will be. I stay for gay youth, who like me, pray every night for God to let them die so they don't have to feel this pain. I stay to make a difference, even if it is little.  

I stay.

Absolutely beautiful. In her words, I hope you hear what I hear. I hope you see the sweet faith of a good woman, and the profound pain of one of God's children. I hope you see why empathy needs to trump condemnation; why mercy needs to overwhelm justice; why, perhaps, my post on gay marriage resonated in so many people's hearts. Why it was important to have that post out there for a time, and might be important again at some point. I hope you see why this issue is not cut and dried, why it is rich and complex and complicated and very, very difficult.

There are no easy answers here. I definitely don't claim to have them. I have questions. I have questions and miraculous experiences of my past, and faith. That's what I have.

When I was 13 or 14 I decided to read The Miracle of Forgiveness. Before I "go there" I want to clarify that Spencer W. Kimball is one of my favorite church writers. Reading his book Faith Precedes the Miracle as a youth was one of the formative experiences of my life. The Miracle of Forgiveness itself is a book with a phenomenal premise--that even though we falter and sin, we can be fully rectified through Christ. In so many ways it is a beautiful book.

But, there is a section about homosexuality. And that section says harsh, unkind and in some cases untrue things about this issue. When I read the section about homosexuality I--a sweet Mormon kid with a good testimony--was stunned. It felt like a personal slap in my face. I was so hurt and disturbed by those words I actually took my copy of the book and threw it across the room in shock and horror. I remember feeling betrayed as I watched that book hit the wall. I was so wounded by the words about homosexuality. They were problematic. They made me feel horrible. They made me feel broken and unloved by God. They did not ring with the spirit of truth. This was not a case of "the wicked take the truth to be hard." I had not been wicked. I was just a kid. I wasn't trying to defend a "depraved" lifestyle. I didn't even know what life consisted of yet. I was gay, through no fault of my own. That's it. 

I was disturbed to the core. This was a prophet! And he had said things that were wrong!! Things about me!! I got in the car to go to a violin lesson that day with my dad. I was angry. I felt betrayed both by this prophet, as well as by my dad who had told me to trust prophets. "How could a prophet say those things?" I asked my dad censuriously. "How does that make sense? How could he call himself a prophet?"

My dad was patient. He had encountered many things in his career in CES (Church Education System). "He was a prophet, Josh. He changed the world for the better and was an incredible man of God who led the church exceptionally well." he said. "He was also a man living in a culture, and that culture affected his thinking. Some of what he said about that issue was not true. He was a man living in a certain cultural climate, and he experienced imperfection as a human."

In my sophomoric mind that sounded like a complete cop-out. I thought it was balderdash. "But what about revelation?" I asked. "This kind of thing shouldn't happen." My thinking was sweetly simplistic and my faith lacked nuance. It hadn't yet been tried.

Then my dad said something that has helped me many times since then. "Josh," he said, "prophets are men. They are not perfect. And this kind of thing does happen. It has happened for many years in the history of the church and will continue to happen. Your job is to support your leaders. Let God do the job of correcting them in the rare instances in which they err. As you support them, even when they err, you will be blessed, and so will they." It was a hard truth to swallow at that young age. But that conversation blessed my life.

My first direct application of this idea came two or three years later when I told my first bishop (local congregational leader) about being gay.

My bishop was a good man, of course. Very kind. However, he did not believe what I was telling him. He would hear my words, hear me pour my soul out to him about my struggles, and he would then tell me that I was making being gay up in my head. That there was some other explanation for what was happening. Maybe I just really looked up to the guys I was attracted to. Maybe I had accidentally fantasized wrong and made my brain start to think it liked guys. He would defend his words and beliefs with decades-old remarks of church leaders--some of the same ones that had been so traumatizing to me before. I would say "No, this is real. It's... real. I'm not lying. I'm not making this up. I'm only sexually attracted to other guys. It's actually happening. I promise." He would refuse to believe me.

I can't even begin to tell you how troubling this was for me. However, I really did take my Dad's advice to heart. I knew the church was true, and I knew that my Bishop was called of God. So I went home and prayed. I told God how hurtful it was to not be believed. But I also told him that I would trust my Bishop and support him in his role as my leader. And then I asked, and had faith, that whatever miracles needed to take place in my life would happen regardless of the limitations of that man, who was trying to do his best to serve God.

Over the course of my time with this bishop I:

--was accepted into a church school even though I was open about being gay, and he chose to recommended me with reservations.
--went through the temple
--prepared my mission papers
--was called on a foreign mission even though I was open about my homosexuality in my interviews, and somebody in the process had marked a sheet saying that I was only supposed to serve state-side with the quote "think twice before sending this young man to be with a male companion for two years." (I still have my mission papers--they gave them back to me at the end of my mission--and I still have that sheet.)

Kind of huge, right?

Those things are miracles that greatly blessed my life. The fact that my Bishop had no understanding or belief in me about my situation had no bearing. As I trusted God's servant and moved forward with faith, and as that servant did the very best he could, God allowed the miracles that needed to happen happen. I often think with gratitude of the Apostle who got my mission papers in order to issue my call, saw that it had been recommended that I only serve state-side, and then felt impressed to call me on a foreign mission to Venezuela anyway. His special consideration of my case, and his willingness to listen to the spirit and trust Heavenly Father, touch me deeply to this day. It is something I treasure--the knowledge that if I trust my leaders, no matter what, God will come through for me in the end and things will be what they need to be.

This is my manifesto. A post filled with heartache and hope and questions and stories and no easy answers and faith. A post filled with my experiences as a gay youth, the pain those caused, the difficulties of grappling with faith and truth and revelation. A post that is complicated and long, but has some moments of clarity. A post that communicates that I, certainly, don't have all the answers. That I, like Nephi (writer in the Book of Mormon), do not know the meaning of all things, but I do know that God loves His children. That he loves all of his children, including his gay children.

This is my manifesto. This is my truth. I don't get it all yet, but I do believe I will some day. And I believe you will too, if that is something that's important to you.

In the meantime, if I had some advice, it would be this: believe. Choose to believe the brethren. Choose to allow the Lord to work through His chosen servants. Choose to believe those things, those spiritual assurances, that you know in your heart to be true. Choose to have faith that the Lord will work things out over time. Choose to believe your faith and to doubt your doubts. Choose to believe that the Lord will hear your prayers of anxiety around these issues, and that he will guide things forward correctly. Choose to believe in His timing. Choose to surrender your will to His processes.

I promise you that amazing things will happen as you do that. I know this because I have seen it happen. This very blog is an example of this happening. It is an example of the Lord working in mysterious ways to share truth. Of the Lord making extraordinary things happen to bless the lives of his children--of him making extraordinary things happen to richly bless my life.

Josh, Lolly and their Kids

So Josh Weed decided to take the Third Path. Jann and Emily are on the Fourth Path. The odds are against him, but so far, so good.  I believe that LDS Church leadership would like for all lesbians and gays to take this path, rather than Emily and Jann's path.  But for every Josh Weed, there are three people that end their heterosexual relationship in divorce, with devastated spouses, children, and extended families in their wake. Ask LDS writer Carol Lynn Pearson.  But it is an option.

To be clear, it took a lot of courage for him to marry and to come out as he did.  Because he chose to do so, many in the militant LGBT community (and there are MANY who are) have been vitriolic in their condemnation of what he did and  have verbally attacked him personally.  Interestingly, many of those who want to be understood and accepted for their sexual orientation are often as intolerant or more so than the straight people they condemn as bigoted and homophobic.  If one chooses to do what Josh did, which goes against almost every tenet of the LGBT beliefs, watch out.

The Gay Law of Chastity

Here is another article passionately written by a confused LDS woman who really appears to want to be obedient to what she has been taught growing up in the Church, but who seems to be a victim of inconsistencies in the practices of the institutional Church.  She presents thoughts that I find very compelling.  And while some people think that people who commit suicide are mentally unstable or who are evil, she paints a picture of the despair she and many LGBT members of the Church feel, most of whom have considered suicide at one time or another.  I don't see her as either mentally unstable or evil, but rather, suffering from hopelessness and despair at the choices she is being forced to make.

The Gay Law of Chastity

By Hermia Lyly 

It’s been about three weeks since I met with my bishop (congregational leader) and sat numbly in his office while he told me I can’t take the sacrament because I have a girlfriend.  Yes, I know it was silly for me to have even the slightest hope of remaining worthy to take the sacrament while I, a woman and lifelong Mormon, have a girlfriend. Like many LGBTQIA (lesbian, gay, bi-sexual, transgender, questioning, intersex, asexual) members, I’ve read the Church’s stance on homosexuality dozens and dozens of times: “The experience of same-sex attraction is a complex reality for many people. The attraction itself is not a sin, but acting on it is” (mormonsandgays.org).  I was raised to see same-sex relationships as wrong and wicked. I’ve been told time and time again that the only temple worthy union is between a woman and a man. 

Yet the official stance didn’t fit with my understanding of loving Heavenly Parents and an inclusive Plan of Happiness.  Why was I raised to want an eternal companion and family above all else, then told that my “special mission” was to remain celibate for life?  Why did my Church criticize the Catholic Church for asking their priests and nuns to be celibate, using the argument that “it is not good for man [or woman] to be alone” (Moses 3:18, Abraham 5:14), and then tell me that celibacy was my only option if I wanted to remain a worthy member?  These questions swirled in my mind as my bishop forbade me to take LDS communion.  I tried to maintain my composure.  Maybe, I thought, he simply misunderstood:

“So, you’re saying that even if my girlfriend and I were to only hold hands with each other—no hugging, cuddling, kissing, or anything else—then the simple fact that I was pursuing this relationship with her would mean that I was breaking the law of chastity?”

“Yes.  As a woman, if you are actively pursuing a relationship with another woman then you are breaking the law of chastity.”

I felt my heart sink.  Here was a man whom I had trusted with my secrets.  I had told him that I am queer and have a girlfriend. For the most part, he was understanding.  I asked him tough questions about the Church’s stance on gay marriage, and I was surprised that instead of calling me to repentance for questioning, he had agreed with many of my beliefs.  It was for these reasons that I was even more hurt by his assertion that I was unworthy to take the sacrament, even if my girlfriend and I kept the law of chastity that is given to heterosexual members.

At this point I need to take a break in my narrative to explain my goals for this post.  First, I hope to share an authentic, heartfelt experience about what it’s like to be a gay Mormon in love. Second, I will address the difference between the gay law of chastity and the straight law of chastity.  It’s often fruitless to make a case for whether or not the LDS Church can abide gay marriage or not—either you believe it can or you believe it can’t. It’s not my intent to change your mind.  Instead, I want to simply share my experience as a fellow human, and hope that it can open a useful space for conversation and introspection.  Regarding the second goal, I believe it’s high time we admit that there is a huge difference between the law of chastity that we expect straight members to follow and the law of chastity we expect gay members to follow.  As I will explain later, they are not the same and they are not equally difficult to follow. For this reason, I will refer to the two separate laws of chastity as the gay law and the straight law.

Back to the scene in my bishop’s office.  I could feel my heart sinking as he told me I had to break up with my girlfriend in order to be worthy to take the sacrament.  I had entered his office so full of hope;  for about a year and a half I had guilted myself out of taking the sacrament because I was ashamed of my homosexual feelings, desires, and actions. 

Through prayer, study, introspection, and clinical counseling, I had begun to escape my self-hatred and accept myself as a queer daughter of God.  I began to see my sexuality as a blessing, and my relationship with my girlfriend as wholesome and healing.  I’d had great hope that if I discussed my emotional and spiritual journey with my bishop, he would encourage me to take the sacrament again so I could have the added strength that came from weekly renewing my baptismal covenants.

“Would you like to take the sacrament?” my bishop asked.

I didn’t know how to answer such a question.  Did he honestly think I was enjoying the burden of not taking the sacrament?  Was he trying to use the ordinance as a bargaining chip to make me break up with my girlfriend?  Or did he really not understand how much his little question meant to me?

“Not anymore,” I muttered.  I didn’t see his response, because I had to leave before the weight of his question crushed me.  I thanked him for his time and began to walk out, but he stopped me and asked if we could meet again and talk.  I tried to focus on his question, but I couldn’t. My life, my belief in a benevolent God, and my trust in sympathetic church leaders was caving in, and I had to escape.

There’s a quiet little alleyway behind the church that’s just private enough for a desperate young woman to call her girlfriend without fear of anyone overhearing.  I called my girlfriend (for the sake of the story we’ll call her Helena) and sobbed while she tried to convince me that I was still a worthy and loved daughter of God.  I sure didn’t feel like I was.

As I left the alleyway and made my way home, I remember walking along some of the very busy streets that I live by and thinking about how simple it would be to step out into the traffic: not only could I escape a homophobic culture that forced me to choose between my faith and my love, but I might even be able to rid myself of my sexuality.  After all, many Mormons—my mother included—tell me that they believe homosexuality is only a trial of this life, and that just as God takes away our defects when we die, he would take away my homosexual desires and replace them with heterosexuality.  I’m sure they thought they were comforting me by assuring me that my trial was temporary.  But like many gay Mormons, hearing that I could get rid of my homosexuality by killing myself only made suicide look more appealing.

Miraculously, my despair only lasted for a couple days.  I somehow refrained from throwing myself headlong into traffic for long enough to realize that if I was going to continue along my path as a Mormon who refused to choose between her religion and her girlfriend, I needed more support than going to counseling once a month and complaining to Helena over the phone whenever I was upset.  As wonderful as Helena and my counselor are, I couldn’t maintain my spiritual, emotional, and mental health if I only had two other people to talk to.  Luckily, I remembered hearing about Wendy Montgomery, a gay rights activist who also happened to be a Mormon.  In a moment of extreme boldness (or awkwardness, really) I contacted her on Facebook and sent her a long message about my situation.  I wish I could spend the rest of this post talking about how Sister Montgomery took me under her wing and showed me a welcoming world of loving Mormon members who are also LGBTQIA allies.  But, like a Book of Mormon prophet, I don’t have room to share “even an hundredth part” of the hope, love, and reassurance that these Mormon allies bring to my life. I will say this: if you are a gay Mormon or ally and you need a community who will accept you and love you for who you are, trust me. There are people who would love to help you.

I’d like to say that this is my happy ending.  After all, it’s great to not be dead and to have found a community of allies.  But is that really a happy ending?  I’m still afraid of being public with my sexuality and my relationship for fear of very probable retaliation.  I still am afraid to speak up when my family members fume about Satan and his minions fighting against “traditional” marriage. And I am still forbidden from taking the sacrament because I refuse to live by the irrationally strict gay law of chastity.

My experience with the gay law of chastity has led me to some very dark places.  My heart aches every time I think of another gay brother or sister who seriously considers leaving the Church or killing themselves because they cannot live up to its impossible demands.  The LDS Church says that they welcome and love gay members, but given the current gay law of chastity, this only seems to be lip service.  If we really want to show gay members that we love them and respect them as fellow children of God, we need to consider the following:

1)      The gay law of chastity isn’t clearly explained.  Think about it.  How many lessons and talks have you heard on the straight law of chastity?  How many articles have been printed in the New Era and Ensign to help members understand the purpose and requirements of the straight law of chastity?  Now ask yourself how many times you’ve had a lesson on the gay law of chastity.  Really, the only information we have about the gay law of chastity is what is at mormonsandgays.org—“The attraction itself is not a sin, but acting on it is”—and the section on homosexual behavior in the Church Handbook: “If members feel same-gender attraction but do not engage in any homosexual behavior, leaders should support and encourage them in their resolve to live the law of chastity and to control unrighteous thoughts.”

This may seem to be clear-cut, but is actually quite confusing.  How is a gay member supposed to separate their sexuality from the rest of their identity?  What if a gay young man decides he likes to bake cupcakes, dance ballet, wear pretty bracelets, and otherwise deviate from twentieth-century Western masculine gender roles?  According to the gay law of chastity, if these behaviors are a result of his homosexuality, then he is breaking the law of chastity.  What if my sexuality plays a role in the way I walk and carry my body? Again, just by moving my body I would be breaking the law of chastity because I was acting on my sexuality.  Do we realize how absurd it is to ask someone to not act on their sexuality?  Essentially, we are telling gay Mormons that if they can’t pass for straight, if they can’t completely mask the gay, they are unchaste. Furthermore, we are also implying to all members that sexuality is a button that can be turned on and off, or a part of our mind that we can cut out and kill if it doesn’t act the way the Church wants it to.  This view of repressing homosexuality is dangerous because it encourages members to see their sexualities as evil or problematic instead of natural and healthy. By teaching our gay members that their sexuality is a bad thing that should be ignored or destroyed completely, we reinforce unhealthy views of sexuality and damage the sexualities of all members.

2)      It isn’t universally enforced.  In some regions and countries, bishops tend to be a bit more lenient in their interpretation of the gay law of chastity, and are kind enough to give the same law of chastity to all of their ward members, whether they are gay or straight, male or female, rich or poor.  Therefore, if an activity would not be against the law of chastity for a heterosexual member (such as holding hands with their significant other), then it would not be against the law of chastity for a homosexual member either.  Luckily, my girlfriend lives in one of these regions.  However, there are other places in which bishops—like mine—take a stricter approach to interpreting the gay law of chastity, and make it their responsibility to determine whether or not a gay member is “acting on it.”  Does it make sense that my personal worthiness as a gay Mormon depends on geographical location?  This would be akin to saying that it some geographical regions, YSA bishops encourage dating, while in other regions YSA bishops discourage and penalize it.  This is an alarming inconsistency, and surely cannot be a strength to the Church or reassuring to its members.

3)      Statistically, the majority of gay Mormons choose not to follow it.  This argument is a bit more tenuous than my others because there have been so few reliable, academic studies of the gay Mormon population.  I only know of one academic study of gay Mormons: “Exploration of Experiences and Psychological Health of Same-sex Attracted Latter-day Saints” conducted by William Bradshaw, Ph.D. (BYU), Renee Galliher, Ph.D. (USU), John P. Dehlin, M.S. (USU), and Katie Peterson, M.S. (USU). (If you know of any more academic studies of gay Mormons, please let me know about them in the comments.)  According to this 2011 study, only 32% of gay Mormons surveyed were celibate, and of those 32%, only 14% were celibate by choice. Some might be tempted to look at these statistics and assume that gay members are just more sexually deviant than straight members.  But this viewpoint leads us to judgment, not understanding.  If a commandment has an 86% failure rate, then maybe we need to revise the commandment, not chastise gay members for not being “righteous enough.”  After all, in Mark 2:27 Jesus teaches that “The Sabbath was made for man, and not man for the Sabbath.”  Likewise, Heavenly Father didn’t create a huge list of commandments and then say to himself, “Gee, it’d be great to create some sort of creature that could obey all these.”  Rather, He created us—His children—first, and then created commandments that we could all follow, and could improve us and help us grow: “but God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able” (1 Cor. 10:13).  If a commandment has only a 14% success rate, then it does not seem to fall under the category of commandments that everyone can follow and that can help us grow.

4)      The gay law of chastity operates on a dangerous all-or-nothing mentality.  Many bishops use a slide as a metaphor for teaching the straight law of chastity.  The slide metaphor conveys two concepts: first, that there are different levels of physical affection; second, the further you go, the more likely you are to break the straight law of chastity.  Part of the wisdom of the straight law of chastity is that it allows unmarried people to show healthy affection in ways that strengthen relationships and let off a bit of sexual steam (let’s be honest). In addition, the straight law of chastity points to marriage as the fulfillment of sexual desires, which is one reason why so many single Mormons are motivated to refrain from sexual relations before marriage.  This is a concept that’s missing from the gay law of chastity, because it ensures that gay members have NO hope of fulfilling sexual relationships.  In fact, the best metaphor for the gay law of chastity would be a large pit: all levels of affection are breaking the gay law of chastity. If holding hands or flirting brings just as much condemnation as committing adultery or fornication, then there is little incentive for a gay Mormon holding hands with his boyfriend to refrain from premarital sex (besides, I’ve been told that sex is a lot more fun than just holding hands).  Surely we don’t mean to teach our gay members that for them, holding hands with someone of the same sex is on the same level as adultery or premarital sex.

5)      It’s a double standard, and is not equivalent to the straight law of chastity.  For the majority of straight Mormons, the straight law of chastity provides guidelines from dating to courtship to marriage.  If used correctly and reasonably, it can help foster healthy relationships, assist in building beneficial companionships, and possibly build a foundation for raising children.  On the other hand, the gay law of chastity leads to none of this.  In fact, many gay members trying to live the gay law of chastity find themselves in a catch-22: they avoid building friendships and relationships with those of the same sex because they are afraid of falling in love with them, and they avoid building friendships and relationships with those of the opposite sex because they don’t want to lead them on.  (Obviously building friendships and relationships is more complicated than this, but this is the general trend that I’ve seen.) Because of this, the gay law of chastity tends to lead to isolation instead of companionship or connectedness.  It simply isn’t fair that Mormons of one sexuality are allowed to follow a law that encourages them to love and guides them to fulfilling relationships, while Mormons of other sexualities must follow a law that tells them their love is wrong and leads them away from fulfilling relationships. 

Furthermore, how can we be sure that the way our culture constructs sexuality (the homo-hetero continuum) reflects the way God has constructed our divine natures?

Something must be done about the gay law of chastity.  At the least, we need more guidance from the Church—official guidance explaining how and why the gay law of chastity should be correctly and uniformly followed, so that personal worthiness no longer depends on geographical location.  But how do we get this guidance?

The Church listens to its members. If enough members speak up about an issue, it’s only a matter of time before they address that issue.  Too few members are willing to speak up about LGBTQIA issues.  It is our responsibility to be vocal about the injustice facing our LGBTQIA brothers and sisters, to facilitate conversations about the Church’s stance on homosexuality, and to ask our bishops and stake presidents about why the gay law of chastity is so different from the straight law of chastity.  We can’t change the way the Church operates, but we can start the conversation. We can show our Church leaders that our LGBTQIA members are just as worthy of love as any other member.

Sexuality is a fraught issue. Hawaii has just legalized gay marriage, with Illinois likely to follow. These changes come to the great consternation of social conservatives and many Mormons. The rhetoric surrounding the issue is often religious on one side, human rights on the other, with few attempts to bridge the two. Let’s build that bridge now. Let’s bring the conversation home to our own playing field—to our religion, our beliefs, our rights, our homes, our brothers and sisters.