Sensing the Past

In my field of psychotherapy, I often work with clients to examine their past in order to give context to their present.  Clearly, many of our behaviors as adults have their genesis in our childhoods.  We seem to place great effort as adults on living in the past, dealing with the past, escaping the past, wanting the past, or attempting to recreate the past.  I do not wish to delve into the dysfunction of my past or any other’s past in this posting, but rather, to look at some of my behaviors in the context of recreating sensory experiences of my past.  By sensory I mean what I have experienced with senses--my taste, my ears, my smell, my eyes and my touch--and how those senses offer me comfort in the present. 

My wife can tell you about some of my “comfort” foods from my childhood: pot roast, meat loaf, coconut cream pie, Jello Fluff (a dessert made on graham cracker crust topped with whipped gelatin), deserts in general, and peas.  I will sometimes order something in a restaurant that sounds similar to what I ate in my childhood with the hope that it will indeed by similar.  It rarely compares.  But give me some homemade pot roast on a Sunday afternoon….  (A confession: my wife’s pot roast while similar is better than my mom’s!)  Yummm.

Musically, we baby boomers love to listen to music from earlier days. For me, my longing for earlier music goes not only to rock music, what I would listen to on the AM radio, but to the music played in my home either before or concurrent with the likes of the Beatles and the Beach Boys.  For example, I have purchased the music or possess recordings in some form of old singing groups like The Mills Brothers and The Ink Spots.  It is likewise comforting to listen Perry Como, Nat King Cole, and to the western sound of Jimmy Dean.  I would also put in this aural category the monologues of comedian Bill Cosby  that I listened to growing up and which have likewise become favorites of my children.  When I listen to him now, it feels like I’m getting reacquainted with an old friend.  And just this week I purchased a CD recording of an obscure flautist, Thijs Van Leer, whose music I had on cassette in the 80s but which had gotten lost.  Ahhhh yeah.

               

As Ann and I gradually make interior and exterior improvements in our Tujunga home, I have expressed a desire to place some jasmine bushes in the back yard underneath our bedroom windows so that the comforting, strong smell of that flower can help me relax at the end of the day.   Whenever I smell cedar these days, I go right back to my room in my childhood days when I was surrounded by a cedar chest, a cedar armoire, and a cedar drawer configuration that had a 50s era round mirror on top.  When Ann cooks that Sunday pot roast and that wonderful odor fills the house, I feel a pleasant contentment that in that moment, all is right with the world.  Sniffffff.

More than once I have tortured my kids by dragging them in my car to see the empty lot in Salt Lake City where the house was to which I came home from the hospital after my traumatic birth, the house that I grew up in and the alley behind that house where I used to play, the streets and homes of my old neighborhood, the church building where I attended Sunday services, and my alma mater, West High School.  (Both my elementary and junior high schools no longer exist)

More than once I have tortured my kids by dragging them in my car to see the empty lot in Salt Lake City where the house was to which I came home from the hospital after my traumatic birth, the house that I grew up in and the alley behind that house where I used to play, the streets and homes of my old neighborhood, the church building where I attended Sunday services, and my alma mater, West High School.  (Both my elementary and junior high schools no longer exist) I have taken them by the Salt Lake Tabernacle where my high school graduation took place, by Ensign Peak where I used to hike and have fun adventures, and to the family cabin in Emigration Canyon where I played and had adventures, and where the kids had the “privilege” of living for a few winter months while a home was being built.  Some of these sites have often been the visual location of dreams, perhaps a deep longing in my heart for gentler, simpler times.  Yesssss.

Not much exists in 2011 from my childhood that I can touch.  Mom has long since passed away.  Friends have scattered to the four winds. The furniture is gone as is the clothing.  Vehicles have probably been recycled or are in some landfill.  All that is left to touch from those simpler days—is me.  And while the body is bigger and getting a little wrinkled now, my Bobby spirit, my inner child, still inhabits it, and occasionally adult Bob likes to feel in his senses what young Bobby used to feel so many years ago.  A transition to the past?



A Much Needed Interlude With My Siblings

The Salt Lake Valley

When Ann and I and our kids moved to Southern California in 1994, we did so to enable me to be where the used clothing industry was centered in the western United States.  At that time, Ann's parents and a cousin were living in Orange County, and we would visit routinely.  Her father passed away not many years after but there was still Grandma Paxman to visit.  Grandma's physical and mental health began to deteriorate and after being placed in an assisted living facility in OC and living there a few years, Ann and her siblings decided that it was best for her to be near Ann's brother Rick and his wonderful wife, Amy, in Ann Arbor, Michigan.

We moved after 10 years from the Santa Clarita Valley to Los Angeles, and specifically to Mt. Washington, in 2004.  What a wonderful house it was, but as the nest emptied, we decided to move to a smaller, lest costly home.  In January of 2010, we moved to our current little rambler in Tujunga, built and formerly owned, by the way, by the aunt of the famous pop singer Neil Diamond. (Neighbors tell us that in his getting started years, Neil Diamond would sleep nights in a particular bedroom of this, Aunt Sylvia's home.  As such, we have picture on the wall in the very room which is now where we watch TV.)

What I am writing about today is that in September, 2011, our four children no longer live with us (two are still in Southern California while one is in Washington state and the other lives in New York.  And while Ann's cousin Vic and his great wife Eleanor still live in Orange County, we have NO extended family.   This has been a challenging transition for me.  I sometimes wish that Ann and I could just jump in the car on a Saturday afternoon and drive a few miles to visit my brother Tom or my sister Darlene.  But alas, the Wasatch Front in Utah is a good nine hour drive from where we live.

One of the reasons for downsizing our living arrangement was to have money with which to spend on visiting farflung kids and extended family.  We have been able to do so, and that takes some of the sting out of being far away.  So I am excited to be able to attend a convention next week in cojunction with my profession being held in Salt Lake City, and then be able to spend time with my siblings in the evenings.   I'll likely be spending the nights with one of them, going out to dinner, and even attending a BYU football game on Friday night.  (Goooooo Cougars!!!)  Going to this convention allows me to write off traveling expenses as I spend much needed emotional connecting time with my siblings and their spouses.  I smile just thinking about it....   

My Favorite Non-Choral Classical Music List

If you've read the bio on this blog, if you know me personally, or if you are one of my children, you will surely know of my great love of music.  All kinds of music.  I must admit that I did not have much exposure to classical music until I married Ann.  To those who know little or nothing about classical music, it may appear like I have become an expert.  But anyone who knows a great deal about classical music will quickly figure out that this list is composed (no pun intended) of standards, although I have included pieces not normally found on such a list.

What genre of music I listen to depends upon my mood.  I can listen to classical, jazz, country western, rock, heavy rock, and occasionally some way out stuff like punk, trance, or drum and bass.  Whatever the genre, I like most of my music loud--except for classical.  But just let music accompany my life.  That will make me very happy.  But then, in the spirit of transitioning of this blog, who is to say what new genres, new film scores, new undiscovered classical pieces I may discover? 

40.  Rossini  "The Thieving Magpie"  Wonderful, whimsical music I came to love while living in Argentina. 

39.  Handel  “Music for Fireworks”  My favorite of Papa Handel, one of the major influences on Mozart.

38.  Barry  “John Dunbar Theme from Dances With Wolves”   Great new music being composed for movies.

37.  Faure  “Pavane”  Longingly, elegant, impressionistic music.

36.   J.S. Bach  “Suite #3 Air”  A very famous, lovely, sweetly melodic piece.

35.   Saint-Saens  “Symphony No. 3 in C minor-Organ Symphony”  This piece was made famous from the movie "Babe."

34.  Rachmanioff  “Prelude in C Sharp Minor”  A haunting, left-hand heavy, romantic piece, meant to be performed. 

33.  Grieg  “Peer Gynt”  Fun music from my childhood.

32.  Rimsky Korsakov  “Scheherezade”  Exotic and mysterious.  I can see a beautiful woman dancing in a tent... 

31.  Badalamenti  “The Straight Story”  The whole soundtrack from this movie is haunting, enchanting, entertaining.

30.  Elgar  “Pomp and Circumstance”  The uber famous graduation music.  Came to love this while living in Argentina.

29.  Strauss  “On the Beautiful Blue Danube”  This for me is the best waltz ever.

28.  Bizet  “Suite from Carmen”  The King's Singers do a marvelous acapella take-off of this.

27.  Tchaikovsky  “The Nutcracker Suite”  The old Christmas standby.

26.  Debussy  “Claire de Lune”  This is probably on many people's favorite.

25.  Satie  “Gimnopedies #1”  I first heard a cover of this from the jazz-rock group Blood, Sweat and Tears. 

24.  Mozart  “Overture to the Marriage of Figaro”  Famous piece that sounds like Mozart.

23.  Tchaikovsky  “Swan Lake”   A famous, beautiful piece of classical fair.

22.  Mozart “Ave Verum”  This number will appear on my choral favorites list I will do as well.

21.  Mozart “Piano Concerto #21”   Quintessential, perfect Mozart.

20.  Gershwin  “Rhapsody In Blue”  My favorite of Gershwin compositions.

19.  J.S. Bach  “Brandenburg Concerto #3  My favorite of all of the Brandenburg Concerti.

18.  Tarrega  “Recuerdos de la Alhambra”  Beautiful, emotional guitar music.

17.  Debussy  “Golliwog’s Cakewalk   A whimsical, fun piece.

16.  Copeland  “Fanfare for the Common Man”  Surely this will be played in the heavens.         

15.  Mozart  “Eine Kleine Nachtmusik”  This is a Mozart standard.  The "Lacrimosa" from Mozart's Requiem will be very high on my list of Choral music that I will make at a future date.

14.  Vaughn Williams  “Fantasia on Greensleeves”  Beautiful, lovely music.

13.  Rachmaninoff “Piano Concerto #2”  One of my favorites of all the romantic pieces.

12.  Sibelius  “Finlandia”  One of the movements of this great work was one of my first childhood exposures to music.

11.  Rodrigo  “Concierto de Aranjuez”  A majestic, emotion-evoking piece of guitar music.

10.  Copeland  “Rodeo”  I love Copeland's American sound and this work typifies it completely.

9.  Beethoven  “Moonlight Sonata”  A brooding, haunting, maasterpiece.

8.   Holst  “The Planets”  Different music for each of the planets.  I like Jupiter the best.

7.  Beethoven “Symphony #9”  This will also appear on my choral list for the last movement "Ode to Joy." 

6.  Debussy  “Reverie”  I've always loved this thoughtful work.  It is my favorite of all Debussy's music.

5.  Dvorak “New World Symphony”  The song "Goin' Home," sung at my grandfather's funeral, is based on the 2nd Movement of the NWS.

4.  Vivaldi “The Four Seasons”  I love all four pieces, especially when I am driving in nature.

3.  Rossini “William Tell Overture”   Hi-ho-Silver.  This fun music has been in numerous Bugs Bunny cartoons.

2.  Copeland “Appalachian Spring”  Hard to pick this my #2.  I'd like this played at my funeral.

1.  Barber “Adagio for Strings”   I cannot listen to this without feeling great emotion.

My next list will be of my favorite rock and hard rock pieces.  I have wondered if Mozart had been born in my generation, what genre of music would he have embraced?  Makes me think of "Bill and Ted's Great Adventure...."

One on One

ONE might think that because of the profession I have embraced, I would be a “people person,” someone who always loves to be with a lot of people.  If I am a “people person,” I very much prefer to be with just one other person.  Being in a group, whether it be of 4 or 400 or 4000 people, has always made me feel a bit uncomfortable.  I don’t consider myself anti-social and it’s not like I avoid groups.  And being in a group where I know everyone is no problem, such as with my wife and another couple, a therapy group, or attending religious services.  But being with just one other person is simply easier for me.

The discomfort may have had its genesis at not having siblings around as I grew up. Since there was not much interaction with my parents, I kind of fended for myself.  I learned at a fairly early age how to entertain myself and to be alone with my thoughts.  When not occasionally playing with a single friend, I would invent and play games with myself (and keep statistics on some of the competitive ones), build sheet and blanket playhouses using the clothesline downstairs, create a bunker in the thermally cool “fruit room” downstairs underneath the outside porch where our food storage was kept, or build a playhouse in the basement using numerous lengths of 2x4 wood.  I would outfit this boy-cave with a lantern, a Coleman cooler for food and drink, games, and any of my neat treasures.  It was just me and my imagination. 

The older I got, the more I interacted with friends, one at a time usually. In high school, I began to be involved in larger groups but I considered myself kind of socially inept.  I must not have been too inept because I was one of the more popular kids, but self-perception is everything, especially to a teenager.  By the time I attended college, I went back to my comfort zone and would routinely hang out with just one other person, male or female.

Looking back over the years, I have rarely spoken up in groups, choosing to watch and listen.  To this day, I will often watch and listen, but I am attempting to be more pro-active in my participation.  I am challenging myself to speak up even if I think that what I have to say is pretty routine or even self-serving.  Small talk is fine, and everything that comes out of my mouth does not have to be pithy or even important.  Occasionally, people in a group may even be interested in what I have to say.

This is an uncomfortable transition for me but I am doing better.  But the truth is: doing one-on-one therapy suits me!

A Place to Pursue Change

As I near 2000 hours of doing psychotherapy, I am becoming more comfortable with how I do it—my “style” so to speak.  When I was still enrolled at Philips Graduate Institute and started meeting with those first clients, I had all kinds of therapies floating around my head.  I was trying to identify which one I would embrace or which one felt right.  I was meeting with “generic” clients, individual and couples, with “generic” issues.  I was still doing pastoral counseling with the Young Adults.

I focused in my later semesters on Sexual Addiction, and I eventually became involved with LifeSTAR Network, a co-ed program for sexual addicts and their spouses.  That involved leading couples and groups and occasionally doing individual therapy with them.  About the time that I graduated I was released from my pastoral calling and asked to be a group leader (along with my wife Ann) of the Addiction Recovery Program of my Stake (my diocese).  Since then, I have been leading or participating in the direction of two groups a week that focus on the Twelve Steps.  Presently, I am leading or participating in four groups a week (two LifeSTAR and two ARP) four nights a week.



The Mechanics of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy

 A number of the people I see these days in individual counseling are recovering addicts.  That has been a function of people being referred for that specific purpose either by my agency for whom I work and by whom I am sponsored, Pilgrimage Counseling, or by local pastoral figures of my stake who know that I am a therapist and who have come to know me as an addiction “specialist.” 

I have become very comfortable working with people in addiction, particularly sexual addiction.  My “style” has evolved to be an amalgam of cognitive behavioral therapy, Imago therapy, narrative therapy among other therapies, LifeSTAR recovery, and a healthy dose of Twelve Steps.  

Harville Hendrix - The Creator of Imago Therapy

I use whatever I sense the individual needs to begin a new narration in their life.  I am directive.  I go to their past only to get context for the present and to understand what issues they need to be dealing with going forward.  If they have been exposed to the Twelve Steps or have some kind of religious foundation or sensibilities, I will freely discuss how their spirituality might affect their journey or their recovery.  I go a positive place with them and express to them my belief in their ability to change.  For better or for worse, I see my relationship with my clients as being horizontal rather than vertical; that is, I do not see myself as the all knowing, all wise poobah, but rather, a fellow traveler down the dysfunctional path who has learned some things along the way that have worked for me and that might be useful for them.  I am real; what you see is what you get.

So are there still oodles and gobs of knowledge and experiences that I lack in this new profession to be sure.  Do I catch myself occasionally saying things that perhaps would be better left unsaid?  Yes sir.  But am I improving as the days and months go by?  Undoubtedly.  It has been a gradual transition from where I started to where I am now and it will continue to be a transition to greater competence in the years to come.  But I am enjoying the journey and enjoying each session, and feeling like I (and God) are doing some good.