General Conference Musings

I am always excited around the first week of April and the first week of October.  Not only are they harbingers of spring and fall, but they are also times of LDS World General Conference.  I am able to watch the broadcasts in the comfort of my home (sometimes too comfortable when the talks are not very interesting to me-zzzzzz) and often in my pajamas. I often refer to Conference as Pajama Church!

This past weekend was no different.  I was excited to hear of three new temples--in Thailand, Ivory Coast, and Haiti.  I always listen to callings and releases of Area Authority Seventies (my former Bishop/Stake President, Jerry Garns, will be released on May 1).  I always participate in the sustaining of General Authorities, raising my hand when called upon by President Uchtdorf.  I was not at all bothered my those few who verbally objected (although I am disappointed that they will not be interviewed by a General Authority as others have been in the past, but referred to their Stake President, who probably already knows about their objections.)  I always listen intently to the statistics offered about the general Church.  I listen intently to the inspirational singing of the Mormon Tabernacle Choir and others. And of course, I enjoy listening to the talks.

As opposed to others who accept ALL of what they hear at Conference as God's will, I listen to the talks with an open mind and heart, but if I hear something that doesn't resonate with me, I will try to glean some "takeaways" from the rest of the talk. If it is particularly challenging to me, I will pray about it.  Like others who have questions and harbor some doubts, I often find myself agreeing with some fundemental principles underlying a given talk.  I appreciate the fact that these good brothers and sisters attempt to prepare their talks with inspiration, and in fact, in the days leading up to each Conference, I pray that they may be so inspired.

But alas, some of their words do not feel necessarily inspired, filtered through their own biases and filters. The burden is upon me the listener to feel inspiration and to pray for understanding and personal revelation to know if and how to apply their words in my life. I believe it is incumbent on all members of the Church to get a testimony of what is said at Conference (and for that matter, at all Church services),  Accepting it all at face value seems almost like idol worship or/rock star worship, instead of worshipping Him, abrogating our responsibility to do what Joseph Smith did when after reading the verse in James 1:5 about asking God when we desire wisdom.

I always think of Brigham Young's statement in this regard:

"I am fearful that this people have so much confidence in their leaders that they will not inquire for themselves of God whether they are led by Him.  I am fearful they settle down into a state of blind self-security, trusting their eternal destiny in the hands of their leaders with a reckless confidence that in itself would thwart the purposes of God in their salvation, and weaken the influence they could give to their leaders, did they know for themselves, by the revelations of Jesus, that they are led in the right way. Let every man know, themselves, whether their leaders are walking in the path the Lord dictates, or not."     Journal of Discourses 9:150

It has been my experience that a couple of talks each Conference usually carry great weight with me and profoundly move me.  Such was the case of the talks on Sunday morning of Elder Jeffrey Holland and of President Dieter Uchtdorf.  I cannot wait to read them as they are published, feel the wonderful Spirit that I felt once again, and to make them mine.  They represented talks given about the nature of Christ or the Father, and their unconditional love for me, and not talks about how I need to do more, offering me a check-off list of to-dos.

For those who watched that session, you may recall that Elder Holland's talk dealt with His atoning sacrifice.  It was so meaningful to me, so nourishing to my spirit.  In part of his talk, he stated:

"So today we celebrate the gift of victory over every fall we have ever experienced, every sorrow we have ever known, every discouragement we have ever had, every fear we have ever faced--to say nothing of our resurrection from death and forgiveness of our sins."

You may also remember President Uchtdorf's talk on grace--always a favorite subject of mine, as evidenced by the number of my blog postings on the subject, and by the words I often say to my Christian clients in psychotherapy.  He mentioned in part of his remarks that:

"We cannot earn our way into heaven; the demands of justice stand as a barrier, which we are powerless to overcome on our own.  But all is not lost.  The grace of God is our great and everlasting hope.

I must admit to wondering if those who quoted or inferred doctrine from The Family: A Proclamation to the World, and the number of those who spoke of exclusive marriage between a man and a woman (a belief I am living) know that it was not given by revelation through the Prophet or any of the other 14 Brethren, but rather, it was written by a BYU professor, and accepted and embraced by the Brethren.  I also admit to wondering how many Conference speakers (beside Elder Christofferson) have listened to experiences, often profoundly spiritual and filled with personal revelation, of LGBT Mormons.  I wonder if they have any idea what it is like to be gay and LDS.  I wonder if people listening to Elder Perry know that he quoted an article by David Brooks which applauded same-sex marriages on the grounds that they represent a voluntary relinquishing of personal freedom in favor of obligation and relationship. Proclamation virtues!

Some LGBT Mormons who listened to Conference are actually living all of the Church's standards or are in mixed-orientation marriages.  Listening to the constant references made to the unique status of marriage between a man and a woman makes many of them turn off or tune out Conference.  Or worse, they turn them off to, or tune them out of, attending Church services.   They hear the relentless drone over pulpits.  And by the way, do members of the Church really want LGBT people in their services?  Does Christ want LGBT Mormons to listen/watch Conference and to attend weekly Church services?  What would be His attitude and behavior toward His LGBT followers?

For those who may be put off by the last two paragraphs, I challenge you to get to know the stories of LGBT LDS brothers and sisters.  Ask them what it was like to listen to Conference.  If they haven't yet given up on the hurt they feel from Church leaders, and sometimes from family or ward members, ask why some of them continue to attend services, even after they may have been excommunicated.  

Nevertheless,  even with the sometimes puzzling or difficult experiences of this Conference, there were profound spiritual moments and experiences of testimony building, reassurance, comfort, and peace.

The Aging Process, or Trying to Manage It

When I called my sister-in-law Janeen on her birthday on March 10th, I listened to a woman who sounds the same as she did 30 years ago, when I was 30.  She has this pleasant way about her, and our conversations are nearly always easy, and this one was easy as well.  But as I listened to her, I realized that I was speaking with a 78 year old woman. That I may be as in charge of my faculties and as optimistic as she is if I am allowed to reach 78!  Listening to her, 78 doesn't seem old--and I told her as much.  90 seems old, not 78.

But then, Janeen and my brother Tom, and for that matter my sister Darlene and brother-in-law Bill, have had their fair share of physical challenges as they have aged.  Bill turns 74 this year and my sister turns 73.  Neither of them seem old either.  But I know they have aches and pains, like Tom and Janeen do, and that just comes with the territory of aging and dealing with that "decaying" process.  

As a 60 year old who will turn 61 in June, I am beginning to experience more aches and pains.  And I know is that it is common. Whenever older people get together socially, the conversation will inevitably veer into a discussion about aches and pains, or even who is in the hospital or who recently died as their bodies gave way to that process.

For me, it is a rare morning when I am free from some little bodily complaint. I've come to accept it and not fight it.  Usually, the stiffness or those aches and pains subside as I get up and start doing things.  If they don't, I'll find my way to a chiropractor's office or I will pop some ibuprofen, and then nearly always I am good to go.

I'm am making a concerted effort to go for brisk walks five days a week, for a minimum of an half-hour or a maximum of an hour, and I try to not walk on flat terrain exclusively but try to access the numerous hills that surround my house.  And while I do spend a great deal of time sitting, whether in sessions and/or the computer (like right now!), I take stairs and I will walk to a destination if its fairly close.  When we go on hikes, I will set the pace, especially going uphill.  I was blessed with good lung capacity, and hiking is not a unpleasant experience for me no matter how difficult the terrain.

Furthermore, I am making great efforts to watch my diet.  For those who don't know, I am pre-diabetic and have been taking medication to control becoming diabetic for years. When I had a blood test earlier this month that showed unusually high blood sugar levels (for me), I became even more mindful.  I am eating multiple salads a week, eating fish regularly, trying to eat fresh vegetables and fruit, and laying off the sweets.

Sweets have always been a challenge for me.  I believe it was sweets (as well as a poor diet) that finally did my father in when he was diagnosed as being diabetic in his 60s.  I will always remember eating Dunford's Rocky Road Chocolate Cake that routinely was in our home that seemed to have a good 1/2 to 3/4 inch of frosting on top.  It seemed we always had dessert after every dinner, and that set me on a course for living for and loving my sweets.  But I can't and won't be a slave to my sweets.

I do not want to become diabetic, with all of the attendant maladies that come with that bodily state.  I want and need to eat well, continue losing a few pounds here and there, exercise, and generally take care of this body.  It requires mindfulness and purpose on my part, keeping focus when it would be easier to slack off or indulge.

Overall, I feel in pretty good shape, even with the aches and pains.  I am very grateful to be as well off physically as I am.  My hope is to continue to take care of this bag of bones so that my children, grandchildren--and who knows, even great-grandchildren, can call me at age 78, and that I too will be of sound mind AND body!

Exquisitely Spiritual Musical Moments

I have been blessed to sing music my entire life.  Since the Primary songs I belted out as a child and the 78 records of my parents I would play in the basement in my Salt Lake City home, singing music has constantly given me great joy.  I remember singing with my mom on a few occasions as we worked together in the kitchen, probably where I learned to sing harmony.

While I enjoy listening to orchestral music and other forms of non-choral music, most of my profoundly emotional moments have occurred when I have become emotionally involved with the lyrics of choral music. From West High Seminary Choir along with three other West High choirs, to the BYU Men's Chorus and the Oratorio Choir, to the Vernon Rose Chorale, to the BYU A'Cappella Alumni Choir, to various community choirs, I have been blessed to sing many wonderful songs along the way that have yielded numerous memorable experiences.

Besides my present involvement in our Ward (congregational) Choir, I have the privilege of singing in the Southern California Mormon Choir.  It gives me a chance to sing which affords me great satisfaction and happiness, and it also exposes me to yet more music with profoundly wonderful lyrics.  Occasionally in rehearsal or in a performance, I will get caught up in the experience, the interplay of beautiful music with beautifully meaningful words for me, and I will choke up and be unable to sing.

On those occasions, which are quite sacred to me, I have felt overwhelmed by beauty, by my many blessings, by the thought that I have ears to hear and a voice to sing, and by the ability to feel and be moved by the experience.  Sometimes at those blessed times, I feel that God is very near and that He takes pleasure in what I am feeling.

My intent is to share some choral music that I have the opportunity to sing, via others performing it on You Tube, as I could find them.  I'm writing the words so that perhaps you too can be moved.  Be advised that these songs are religious in nature, but then, I feel God's presence in my life, and I possess strong spiritual feelings.  They are very much a part of who I am.

My Shepherd Will Supply My Need (Old American Folk Hymn, arranged by Mack Wilberg)

My Shepherd will supply my need; Jehovah is His name; 
In pastures fresh He makes me feed beside the living stream.
He brings my wandering spirit back when I forsake His ways,
And leads me for His mercy's sake, in paths of truth and grace.

When I walk through the shades of death Thy presence is my stay;
One word of Thy supporting breath drives all my fears away.
Thy hand in sight of all my foes, doth still my table spread;
My cup with blessings overflows, Thine oil anoints my head.

The provisions of my God attend me all my days;
Oh may Thy house be my abode and all my work be praise;
There would I find a settled rest while others go and come,
No more a stranger nor a guest, but like a child at home. 

God So Loved the World  (John 3:16, arranged by John Steiner)

God so loved the world that He sent His Only Begotten Son,
That whoso believeth in Him should not perish but have everlasting life.
For God sent not His Son into the world to condemn the world,
But that the world through Him might be saved.

God so loved the world that He sent His Only Begotten Son,
That whoso believeth in Him should not perish but have everlasting life.
God so loved the world, God so loved the world, God so loved the world.

Death Shall Not Destroy My Comfort (Old American Folk Hymn, arranged by Mack Wilberg)

Death shall not destroy my comfort,
Christ shall guide me through the gloom;
Down he'll send some heavenly convoy
To escort my spirit home.

Chorus
Oh, hallelujah! How I Love my Savior,
Oh, hallelujah! That I Do.
Oh, hallelujah! How I love my Savior!
Mourners, you may love him too.

Jordan's stream shall not o'erflow me. 
While my Savior's by my side;
Canaan, Canaan, lies before me!
Soon I'll cross the swelling tide.

Chorus

See the happy spirits waiting,
On the banks beyond the stream!
Sweet responses still repeating, 
Jesus! Jesus! is their theme.

Chorus

Pilgrim Song  (Traditional American Song, arranged by Ryan Murphy)

My brethren, I have found a land that doth abound with fruit as sweet as honey;
The more I eat, I find, the more I am inclined to shout and sing hosanna.

Chorus
My soul doth long to go where I may fully know the glory of my Savior;
And as I pass along I'll sing the Christian song, I'm going to live forever.

Perhaps you think me wild or simple as a child; I am a child of glory;
I am born from above, my soul is filled with love; I love to tell the story.

Chorus

My soul now sits and sings and practices its wings, and contemplates the hour
When the messenger shall say, "Come quit this house of clay, and with bright angels tower."

Chorus

And as I pass along, I'll sing this Christian song, I'm going to live forever.

Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing (Old American Folk Hymn, arranged by Mack Wilberg)

Come thou fount of every blessing, tune my heart to sing Thy praise;
Sreams of mercy never ceasing, call for songs of loudest praise.
Teach me some melodious sonnet, sung by flaming tongues above;
Praise the mount! I'm fixed upon it, mount of thy redeeming love.

Here I raise my Ebenezer, hither by thy help I'm come;
And I hope by Thy good pleasure safely to arrive at home.
Prone to wander Lord, I feel it, prone to leave the God I love;
Here's my heart, O take and seal it, seal it for thy courts above.

Jesus sought me when a stranger wandering from the fold of God;
He to rescue me from danger interposed His precious blood.
Prone to wander Lord, I feel it, prone to leave the God I love;
Here's my heart, O take and seal it, seal it for thy courts above.

O to grace how great a debtor daily I'm constrained to be!
Let Thy goodness like a fetter bind my wandering heart to Thee.
Prone to wander Lord, I feel it, prone to leave the God I love;
Here's my heart, O take and seal it, seal it for thy courts above.

My Best Photographic Work So Far

My First Picture with My Nikon 1 Point-and-Shoot

My much older brother used to take pictures when I was young.  In those days, those relatively primitive days when there weren’t many prominent Japanese cameras, when Polaroid Instant Cameras were the rage and you could almost instantly see what you just shot—in not so good quality, but hey, it was quick—a time when you actually put film in cameras, he took pictures. 

As I recall, he didn’t print many of them.  Rather, he had them developed as a “slide,” the tiny image placed within a thin, square piece of cardboard.  They were then grouped in a tray, either rectangular or circular I believe, and projected onto a screen or wall.  I remember how great it was as a little guy to see large pictures that he took of people and landscapes.  It all seemed exotically wonderful.

I remember my mom and dad had two cameras in my childhood: a basic Voigtlander and a Polaroid.  I remember as a youth routinely looking through all of the scrapbooks from my family’s past and enjoying the old black and white prints and the occasional color prints.

When it came time for high school, I guess I saw myself as an aspiring photographer and took some Polaroid pictures of the Pep Squad at the beginning of my junior year.  I believe those pictures eventually got me the title of Photographer for the Red and Black student newspaper, which in my senior year I would be its Associate Editor.  I remember the thrill of composing shots, taking them, then seeing them in print in the newspaper.

My best buddy at BYU, Bill Harten, was more established as a photographer, and developed (no pun intended!) a business using his photography taking group pictures of girls living in the Heritage Halls dorm houses on campus.  He left for his LDS mission the next year, and at his suggestion I took over his business.  I would arrange a day to take the pictures when most of the girls were there, arrange the gaggle of giggling girls, take the picture, have them developed as an 8x10 color print in Florida somewhere for about a dollar, and sell them to the most of the individual girls for $5.00.  What a great little entrepreneurial job that paid well without a lot of work or upfront expense!

From then until 2012, a space of some 40 years, I always enjoyed looking at pictures, but never had the urge to buy a camera and start taking them.  I can’t definitively say why other than I was not emotionally connected with myself and was living a “shoulder to the wheel” provide-for-my-family existence.  I suspect that because of my journey in psychotherapy, both as a practitioner and as the one “being practiced on,” and because my wife challenges me to introspect and decide what I want, I became more aware of what excited me, and perhaps more importantly, that I could do something about it.  I remembered the excitement of photography and challenged myself to do something about it!

I was soon gifted a little “Cool Pix Point-and-Shoot” camera for my birthday, I think, in 2012, and began taking pictures.  The excitement quickly returned. I realized that I had an emotional attachment to landscape scenes as opposed to taking pictures of people, so many of the pictures then, and most of my pictures now, are of natural beauty that pleases my eye and which delights me.

I have become very attached to nature.  Besides my hobbies of bringing home rocks from hikes and growing bonsai plants, I love to take pictures of oceans, lakes, streams, mountains, rocks, and just landscapes in general. 

The benefit of digital cameras (I now have a high-end Nikon 1 “point-and-shoot” with a second telephoto lens, and I will in the future probably graduate to a “real” SLR camera) is that you can see immediately what you just thought you saw, as opposed to the old days when you never knew.  I like lying back after having taken a bunch of pictures and going through my camera, looking at the images, seeing what I shot, and congratulate myself for some outstanding pictures.

The Nikon 1 allows me to focus on the image and compose it without having to deal with f-stops and shutter speeds.  The downside is that sometimes the automatic nature of the camera does not lend itself to the image, and it doesn’t turn out as great as it might have.  The upside is that most of the time, the Nikon gets it right, and the image that is taken is pretty decent.  Usually, the only major decision I have to make is whether to use the telephoto lens or not, like the one pictured above.  Otherwise, I point and shoot! It’s so fun!  And I will occasionally bring out the old Cool Pix, and take pictures with my I-Phone if I’m without my Nikon 1.

I have been privileged to take pictures at Bryce Canyon National Park, Kodachrome State Park, and Grand Staircase National Park in southern Utah.  I’ve also taken pictures at Yosemite National Park, on our cruise to Alaska, at The Huntington Gardens and Descanso Gardens near where I live, at the ocean, and most recently, at Joshua Tree National Park and Palm Springs.  Sometimes, I just find natural beauty in my front yard (my beautiful camellias!) or along a nearby street.  God’s beauty is on display if you look for it.

So someone whom I respect and relies on photography for work that he does informed me that a photographer needs to take 10,000 photographs to really become good.  Since having my two cameras for nearly three years, I figure I’ve taken about 2000 pictures with my cell phone, Cool Pix and Nikon 1.  I’d believe that I am getting better and yearn to take the other 8000!

I long for opportunities to see nature in all its resplendent beauty, and often its majesty in the mountains, the deserts, the oceans, the local gardens. I want to see the loveliness then record the natural images. It feeds my soul! It also gives me satisfaction that I indeed am an amateur photographer—a pretty decent one!  

But I recognize my lack of knwledge, my limitations.  I'm sure they are evident to any professional who might look at my work.  For example, I recognize that often the lighting for many of my shots is not optimal.  But in the moment, I'm not looking to create a masterpiece of photography; I'm looking to record a memory in a wonderful way. 

I also recognize the limits of my point-and-shoot cameras; I cannot adjust f-stops, for example, to enhance some foreground images while blurring the background, or play with shutter speeds to deal with lighting issues, or use filters. 

So I am taking pictures for me and my enjoyment, such as they are.  I happen to believe that others as well might enjoy looking at my images and experience a measure of my joy.  Below are some of my best so far.  I hope you enjoy them as much I did taking them and now enjoying them!