Aloneness

Reflecting upon my early years, I have concluded that I was essentially raised as an only child.  My brother got married right before I turned three years old, and I have no memory of him being at home.  My sister got married when I turned five, and I only have a couple of memories from her time at home.  From five on, I had no siblings to interact with.  For that matter, I don't remember my parents interacting with me very much.  In this regard, I would refer the reader to view my earlier blog posting "A Long Time Ago," from October 29, 2014.

Since being alone was my "normal," I didn't think my lone life was abnormal.  There was no brooding, no "my life really sucks,"  I don't know that I really thought that it was a big deal to not have brothers or sisters at home, even though all of my friends seemed to have siblings at home. I had a few neighborhood friends and knew some kids at school, and it seemed like a pretty typical situation outside of my family. I remember thinking that my parents were a little old but that they loved me, not realizing at the time that they didn't often interact with me. I don't recall feeling very lonely, but then, that was many years ago and I don't recall a lot of things.

One of the results of my fairly solitary life was having a rich inner life.  That is, lacking significant interaction with others, and not having a pet, I would have interactions with myself--in my mind. I believe that I got used to thinking about things, to entertain myself with my thoughts, to basically talk to myself, although I don't recall that I actually had verbal conversations!  I lived in my head.

I need to express that I believe that my nature is to be shy and introverted.  I believe that I came to earth this way.  I also believe that the nurture I am writing about provided ample opportunites to be shy and unsure of myself, even though I learned to be "self-sufficient," to take care of myself, to try to make sense of my experiences.   

But because there was precious little emotional interaction, especially with my parents, I can see now that I was hungry for approval, for some response that I was doing okay. In fact, in retrospect, I wanted to have any interaction at all to break through the "aloneness" and shyness of my life.  In retrospect, I believe that there was a sense of emotional abandonment.  

I wrote in the blog posting referred to above about feelings of emotional abandonment from my father.  But there was an interesting dynamic in my relationship with my mother that likewise produced emotional abandonment, of my own doing to be sure.

My mother developed colon cancer when I was very young and had to have major surgery in which part of her colon was removed.  The result was having to have a colostomy for the rest of her life.  Another result was that my mother experienced a "nervous breakdown," or so I was told.  The surgery altered the appearance of her lower torso, and I deduce that it had a chilling effect on my father. I am not sure that there were not other emotional issues present before this occurred with her, but their relationship was not emotionally fulfilling for her. My father never spoke to me about his relationship with my mother. During my growing up years, if my mother thought that my father was either physically or emotionally attaching to something or someone else, especially a woman, it rocked her world.  She could not handle it.  It made her incredibly needy.

The result of this dynamic back then was that since she was unable to have a normal, healthy emotional connection with my father, she turned her neediness onto the only other person in the home--me.  Her neediness for me at times seemed completely smothering. Because it felt overwhelming as I became a teenager and even after I got married, I pushed back, throwing up an emotional boundary to preserve myself.  As such, I felt the need to retreat back into my "aloneness" because I didn't feel safe.

My adult life has been a journey of looking for attachment.  I have often said in therapy that if we do not deal with and try to resolve our childhood issues, they will play out in our adult lives, to our detriment. It has been a journey of hoping that people can reach through my solitude and connect with me, which is really unfair. It has been a burden I have placed unfairly on my wife, and for which I am deeply sorry.  

Because of my shyness and introversion, I costs me somewhat to reach out through my solitude to connect with others.  I have realized that if I want the dynamic to change that it ultimately is up to me to change it, to reach out.  I am responsible to for my own needs, not my spouse or anyone else.  I am not always successful at this endeavor, but "if it is to be, it is up to me." 

Hanging with the Servants of Satan

Like the initial Affirmation Conference which I attended in 2014, I came away from this most recent one held in Los Angeles on January 15-17 feeling somewhat sad, but hopeful and connected.   Some 125 people attended, held on the Loyola Marymount campus.  There were speakers, workshops, and of course, the special Sunday meeting where people were allowed to share “stories” or to bear testimony.

   

Being around LDS LGBT people is a emotional experience for me because of the good people I see and with whom I associate who are wrestling with the paradox of wanting to be faithful members but in many cases have been poorly treated by intolerant members and leaders of the Church.  I likewise wrestle in my own way with the paradox of wanting to be faithful to a Church that produces what it did in the Handbook last year and whose leader of the Quorum of the Twelve says what he did about it being revelation.   It pains me because the Church does so much good, and Pres. Nelson is a good man, but I digress. 

I was pleased that Ann decided to attend and that she likewise felt the Conference was very worthwhile. I am grateful that we could share this unique experience, and that we have been able to discuss it and how we felt about it.

It was nice to see people I met at the previous conference and with whom I am Facebook friends, some of whom are the movers and shakers in the LDS LGBT community.  For example, it was great to see and to briefly chat with John Gustav-Wrathall, the current director of Affirmation, Tom Christofferson, a brother of the apostle, Vicki Wimmer, Sara Jade Woodhouse, and Carol Lynn Pearson.  It was great to make new acquaintances and to see that the new Executive Committee of Affirmation is in good hands.

There were a few poignant meetings that had special meaning for me.  One was the workshop led by John Gustav-Wrathall that addressed the landscape of feelings about the recent revision of the Church Handbook and the address given by Elder Nelson and his wife about that revision.  Feelings were raw and candid, as would be expected, with many expressing confusion, anger, betrayal, and so many other difficult emotions. But there were also shared feelings of hopefulness, determination, and caring as well.  There were many tears but there were also many smiles.

I very much enjoyed listening to the address given by Christie Frandsen.  We know one another from our association in my Stake, and I suspected that her talk would be one of the highlights, and she did not disappoint!  This Seminary and Institute teacher was on topic, insightful, eloquent, and sincere as she discussed the LDS LGBT community and the importance of being knitted together in a wonderful multi-colored blanket.  I was very proud of her, and I am proud of how she has supported and loved her gay son Christian, one of her 11 children.

 

Another was the Saturday night meeting at which Carol Lynn Pearson addressed the Conference.  She has been in the struggle from the days her husband died from AIDS in 1984 and which she poignantly wrote about in the book Goodbye, I Love You.  She was graceful, eloquent, witty, vulnerable, and believable.  She represents what I believe to be the heart and soul of the LDS LGBT movement, the grand dame, so to speak.  She is all about loving, caring, and supporting each another; she says that these are the weightier matters of the law.  I particularly appreciated her tenderness as she sang a tender lullaby as she concluded her remarks.

Of course, the testimony meeting is always very significant and powerful.  There were a lot of tears shed, a lot of warmth and gratitude expressed, and a lot of strong witnesses of the love of the Father and the Son with strength and conviction.  Allies like me were encouraged not to share their testimonies because so many LGBT people are unable to do so, having been excommunicated from the Church for "acting" LGBT.  The Spirit was strong and I felt peace and comfort, and assume others did also.

It felt good to be around people who can find happiness in the midst of turmoil.  It felt good to be around people who are dealing with the label of being "Servants of Satan."  It felt good to listen to and watch an LDS bishop who desired to understand LGBT people and who self-reported that he came away a changed man.  It felt good to be around people who honestly care about each other and treat one another in loving, non-judgmental ways, as He would do.  It felt good to be lauded for being in attendance even though I do not have a close relative who is LGBT.  It felt good to see people who value the Church and its teachings (except for this one) and who want to stay attached to it.

I look forward to future conferences.  There is the main annual Affirmation Conference, this year in Provo, Utah, from September 22-25.  Who knows?  I may attend.

I wonder if I am a Servant of Satan....

One Mo Time!

Last November, I posted about my difficult preparations to take the Marriage and Family Therapist (MFT) exam once again in December, having failed it last February.  The test I failed was a 200 question multiple choice exam taken over four hours.  That failed test would have been the first of two required tests, the second one being a 75 question, multiple choice "vignette" exam.

I knew that new tests were being prepared for 2016, and feeing some anxiety about having to study for whole new exams, I was preparing to take at least one of the old exams in December.  I was hopeful that I would be grandfathered into taking the second exam in 2016 having successfully passed the first one.

Little did I know that there would be no grandfathering!  Little did I know that there would be no test taking at all during the month of December, because the test didn't exist anymore!  I was chagrined to learn that reality as I spoke to someone in the Board of Behavioral Sciences (BBS) office in Sacramento when I was unable to schedule a test time.  All of the practice exams (answering 775 questions in 31-25 question tests!) I had taken were for a test that now couldn't be taken!

There was absolutely nothing that I could do about taking the old test. Nothing. I decided that I would have to face reality and start studying for the new exam. I had learned that I must take before the one year anniversary of failing the original exam.

I soon discovered that the website where I had taken all of the practice tests now had practice tests for the new exam.  This first of two exams is now about the law and ethics surrounding my MFT profession. It is a 75 question exam. I have been spending a lot of time in this new preparation; all told, I have answered 435 questions of the online test prep examinations, plus I have spent many, many hours studying.  I feel like I have a pretty good grasp of the material, but then, I felt that way before the first exam.

Tomorrow morning I take the new law and ethics examination.  I am cautiously optimistic that my 61 year old brain will be able to retain what I have studied and will have the wisdom to make the correct choices.  I believe I must get a minimum of 50 correct....

The Year in Review -- 2015

As 2015 comes to a close, I wanted to review this eventful year.  It had many memorable events and people, and since this is a blog/journal of my life, it seems appropriate to now look back with words and some pictures:

PASS & FAIL

In the early part of 2015, my son BJ received his Certification as a Certified Addiction Treatment Counselor  He had taken his test in 2015, having completed a four semester program at California State University, Dominguez Hills.  I am very proud that he is using this certification to legitimately work at and for The Beacon House, the rehab where he finally overcame his drug addiction.  He and I both would say that it is never fully beaten, but I am proud of his work and thankful to God.

I, on the other hand, failed my first attempt to take the first of two licensing exams to become a legitimate, licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (MFT).  I was unable to try to retake it in the rest of 2015, but will take it in January 2016.

A TRIP TO THE DESERT

In the spring of the year, we decided to visit the area to the east of Los Angeles.  Using a little residence as a base in Morongo Valley, we explored Joshua Tree National Park and all of its wonders--which are many.  We spent more time in the Morongo Valley and then returned for a visit of Palm Springs.  It was a great opportunity to take pictures, and I took many, one of which is above.

THE BIG CANADIAN ROAD TRIP

Lake Moraine, pictured above, was on my bucket list.  We decided to see people and places on what ended up to be a 4600+ mile loop north in Northern California (we saw Emily, Adam, the grandkids, as well as my cousin Scott), Seattle (we saw Rebecca & Isaac), the North Cascades National Park eastern British Columbia, Banff National Park (home to the Lake above as well as other beauties), Glacier National Park in Montana, and Utah (we saw extended family).  It was a 16 day trip and I am so glad we took it!  We saw some of the most scenery I have ever witnessed, and I was able to photograph some of it. It spawned a coffee table book of pictures I have taken so far.

ANN'S DREAM CAR

Ann had a dream about driving a blue 2005 S-Type Jaguar, having downloaded a picture of one on her computer as a vehicle she would like to own some day.  I took that as a challenge.  Our son Doug needed a car, and so we decided to sell it to him and to buy a blur Jag.  Although it has experienced some mechanical challenges (what did we expect?), Ann loves it and it is really a luxurious,  lovely car!

THE JOHNSON MOVE TO NORTHERN CAL

In June of 2015, Adam and Emily loaded the kids into their van and drove across country from New Jersey to begin a new life in the Golden State.  We helped them locate a sutiable area, helped them move in, and visited for a number of reasons five times between June and the end of 2015.  By the way, the picture of Charlie above is at the Wonderland Park in Oakland, visited by Walt Disney prior to building and opening Disneyland in Southern California.  This little urban park reportedly served as inspiration for what would become the Happiest Place on Earth!

LIFESTAR CONVENTION
This is an annual event held in Salt Lake City.  I thought that it was important to attend to be able to learn more about the Lifestar program with sexually addicted clients.  It was also important to interact socially with my peers in counseling, and I enjoyed haging out and being with them there.  A couple of our activities were to see a concert of Big Bad Voodoo Daddy in Park City and to sight see Bridal Veil Falls up Provo Canyon, Heber Valley, and Park City again.  Nice.

A VISIT BY THE PAXMANS

Rick and Amy, my borther and sister-in-laws, held a family reunion at the beach in Oceanside.  It was nice to spend time talking with them, walking to the pier, eating, and just hanging out.  I wish we lived closer and could have more time with the crew.  All of the children were there except Suzy, and it was a chance to see Rick and Amy's new grandchild.  It was great to see Amy who continues to suffer from a bunch of physical ailments.

WATCHING THE JOHNSON KIDS

Emily and Adam were able to go on a company-paid trip for a week to Rome!  We gladly obliged to watch the kids here in Southern California while they had a wonderful time there.  BJ wanted to spend time with the kids, and they really enjoyed spending time with him.  At a nearby park, he was able to help them have the thrill of learning how to rock climb, as shown by Elizabeth above. Always physically draining, we enjoy spending time with these wonderful kids!

TRISH MORTIMER DEATH

Walking to and from the grave site at Forest Lawn Hollywood Hills was this lovely, tender sculpture. It reminded me of the tenderness of Trish, a woman from our church congregation to whom Ann and I had been assinged to home teach along with her husband, Bob.  This vibrant, dancing, cat and dog-loving woman contracted cancer which eventually led to her death and which caused her to lose a lot of weight.  Ann and I remarked that she physically looked like she belonged in a concentration camp, and it was a blessing from Above that she was finally taken.

POLICY CHANGE

Much to my surprise, the Church decided to institute policy changes regarding practicing homosexuals and their children.  These changes listed above greatly saddened me and Ann.  While we continue to support and sustain Church leaders on a local and general basis, we are saddened, confused, and on some level, upset and even angry at what has happened.  We continue to nurture our connection with Heavenly Father and His Son, and trust that we will have understanding of this change, and hope that He will make things right.  It is also a chance for us to be more loving, kind and repsectful to His children, no matter their sexual orientation.

CHRISTMAS TRIP TO SEE THE JOHNSONS

The Johnsons came to Southern California for Thanksgiving, and we went north to the Bay Area for Christmas.  It was wonderful to see Christmas through the eyes of children, to feel of their excitement and energy.  This gave us another opportunity to spend time with them, Adam and Emily, and, on the day after Christmas, to make a trip to the City, San Francisco.  It was a great way to end 2015!